| ...the moving parts in a death machine... |
[17 Dec 2003|08:16pm] |
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death sux. it's so fucked up how it is ya know? my dad's girlfriend of over eight years died a while ago from cancer. it was so fucked up she was so sick and it happend so fast. it was like one day she was a regular person with a regular job and a regular life and the next minute she was a disease ridden zombie bed ridden with unbearable illness. it's so fucked up that's all i keep thinking how fucking fucked up it is. i see her picture and it blows my mind i'm like "wow i knew her my dad shared a life with her i remember everything about her and she's fucking dead." my dad makes me feel the worst though that's what always makes me feel the worst about death...the impact on the people left behind. i mean you'd have to know my dad but he's like had the worst life in all of history...well i'm sure that's a bit much but out of people i know. i swear nothing can just go right for him. and now he loses his only companion at 52 years old he's all alone again and starting his life over again. it's fucking heart wrenching. i think about it and it makes me sick with sadness. i mean he has to like...live in the woods now and shit. not only did he just lose his best friend but he had to move from his home that was theirs for years. i just think about how weird it is that they shared a life together and now she's gone it seem so fucking unfair. no one should ever have to be so far away from the person they love. it's just so unfair. my dad is the saddest person i know i mean even before this he is just a sad man. his life was hard still is hard and he is tired and old. he wanted me to type up this obituary for her so i was going through the notes he gave me and i found a page where he was kind of like writing a letter to her. it was the saddest fucking thing i've ever seen. i mean i can't even describe the feeling it gave me. he was just saying how much he loved her and how amazing she was and how he will miss her forever and then he signed "...all my love, max" that's so fucked up. when someone that close to you dies there's so many things you wish you had said or did. especially in her situation when they knew she was dying you think "what if i had done something different?" i'll never forget the way he cried the morning she died. it made me want to die...literally die. his pain was just unbarable all the things he said were just...awful. he said it hurt so bad and he couldn't believe it he said "i just can't believe this is happening..." he still can't. and he will break down randomly into painful heart wrenching tears. i hate it because ultimately it just feels so fucking unfair how could this happen to her so fast? she was like the nicest person you could ever know. she loved me too. and she'd always make sure my dad got me things i needed, and she'd always have tons of christmas presents for me, she was awesome and cheery she was great to be around. i know why my dad loved her. and i can't believe she's dead.that's the other thing about it. my dad is one of those cloudy headed guys who never knows quite what he's doing. he needs a woman in his life to keep him on the right track. that was the first thing he said to me when she was gone "i always had you and her to go between to keep me on the right track.." now it's all on me.
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| with these final words i pull the switch we turn to dust... |
[02 Dec 2003|07:55pm] |
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well i haven't written in a really really long time for some reason. i guess i've just been busy. i'm enjoying my last year of high school or maybe i'm just enjoying the idea that it's the last year. it's a lot of work but the work isn't nearly as stupid and it's all worth it cuz this is it! it makes me so happy but scared that i will someday soon have to support myself. it's exciting because highschool sux a big one but a little scary to be totally responsible for yourself. but it's mostly exciting i suppose. it's funny though to think about not going to school and seeing all the people you see everyday don't get me wrong i don't mean it's sad i just mean it's weird because it's such a routine i've been doing it so long that when i finally am on my one it will be insane. well i gotta go get debin at work so goodnite
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[20 Oct 2003|12:07pm] |
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| 500 channels of a day dream simulation help me to resent my life and raise my expectations... |
[02 Oct 2003|03:58pm] |
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blah. at the end of school i was super happy and giddy. we don't have school tomorrow which is amazingly cool. but now i feel shitty like i just feel like sitting down and crying. i dunno why i just feel like my life is so fucking frustrating. they finally got my ultrasound results back and they said that they don't think that it's anything. which is good i guess. but why the fuck do i have a lump in my breast then? and now i have to go back to pp again to amke sure i don't have aids and all that other nasty shit. and i just feel fucking shitty.
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| Back to the market...of endless profit. |
[13 Aug 2003|11:53am] |
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so uhhh i suppose i haven't updated in a really long time so here it goes....
George Bush is still stupid
Taking lessons on the Bass still sucks
And washing dishes is still a big pain in my ass
Steven is still pretty
Steven and my mom and her boyfriend and i went to the catskill game farm the other day. it was the sweetest shit ever. and then we found this insane caterpiller that looked just like this
at first i was in disbelief and then i was horrified and then i was terribly curious so we brought it home and put it in this jar thing with leaves and a stick and he built a giant cocoon. he will turn into a hylaphora cecropia moth which looks like this
i know this will sound tremendously geeky but i am terribly fascinated by this thing. i mean this caterpillar was HUGE i mean you can't even imagine. and he just kept building this cocoon. now i wish i had some tiny camera to implant in the cocoon so i could watch him...i mean...what is he doing in there? and how does he do it? and does he know he's gonna be a pretty moth or does he just think he needs to build himself a nice cozy house? i dunno i'm just fascintated but i will stop now. but the bad thing is that he will be in there untill spring! he has a life span of one year and he lives 8 weeks as a caterpillar and one week as a moth so that's how long he's in that damn cocoon. ok enough about the moth.
well i guess i'm done now i really don't feel like saying anything else.
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| i'm sinking all alone, treading new water... |
[23 Jul 2003|01:09pm] |
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soooo uhhh it's summer and it's good and i like it and....i've been taking lessons for the bass and it sux because i suck. i can't play it with the bow for shit and pisses me off. i don't even really care about playing it with the bow i just want to play it with my fingers but apparently that's not good enough. well anyway...uhhhh i don't know. but i'm miserable today. hopefully it's pms. but i'm sure it's not very enjoyable for anyone. grrr...i just want to kill someone. and now these little girls are driving me crazy and telling my how avril lavine is cool and shit so i gotta go
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| i smoke some crack i shoot some dope and there's no enemy.... |
[10 Jul 2003|04:38pm] |
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ummm...even though i never post anymore i still have nothing to say....if that makes sense. i'm bored. kinda hungry. kinda maybe a lil...grumpy. and uhhh...i dunno i'm trying to think of something to say but its just not happening.
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| "For as long as people massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seed of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." |
[23 Jun 2003|10:40pm] |
i have to keep this....so i will post it here.
Some people have to stay and fight for survival in the country they live in while others have to leave to survive. Corporations cross international borders all the time in search of people to exploit for profit and no one stops them. They call it globalization. On the other hand, the victims of corporate domination are told that they can't cross borders in search of better lives, and are forced to stay and deal with the social, economic and environmental messes the companies leave behind when they inevitably move their operations to places with even more "favourable business climates? (re: lower wages, lax environmental laws, tax breaks). Looks like capitalism and human-rights don't mix.
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| Livin' in a police state...i tell ya man it aint that great. |
[19 Jun 2003|05:38pm] |
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so my dad and i are driving through sidney tonite and we're stopped at a red light and there's this truck in from of us and it has millions of bumper stickers about fucking Jesus and shit and then there's one that says ban cigars not guns. but of course god and guns go hand in hand. i swear to god if i could have gotten out of the car and bitch slapped that guy i would have. i mean i know that seems extreme but shit like that just pisses me off like nothing else. i mean what the fuck??? ahhhh i won't talk in circles about this and annoy everyone but...i hope you all get the point.
now in that same sort of light...i was just watchin tv and it was showing this riot in seattle. people were protesting because there was a wto convention there. i don't blame them...the wto is fucking shit! so anyway...these riot cops, like always, are fucking kicking the shit out of everyone...i mean people who were not acting in a violent manner in anyway. seriously they were fucking beating the shit out of people with their clubs and then spraying them in the face with pepper spray. pepper spray is the fucking worst! so these two art student girls were there video taping the whole thing. so they got in their car and they were just trying to drive through and one of the riot cops comes up to the driver's side and is beating on her car with his club and trying to open her door and then he told her to open her window so she rolls it down about 2 inches maybe and this fuckin cop blast her with pepper spray as soon as she does and says "take this bitch" it was the most sickening fucking thing i have ever seen.
well that's enough injustice for today.
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[18 Jun 2003|11:11pm] |
| kindbudlolita | | Magic Number | 14 | | Job | Actor | | Personality | Procrastinator (If The Apathy Doesn't Kill Me) | | Temperament | All Bark, No Bite | | Sexual | Whatever, Whenever, Whoever | | Likely To Win | A Swimming Badge | | Me - In A Word | Whirlwind | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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hey that was fun thanx steph,,,'cept for the whoever whenever thing LOL
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| you don't need to understand we don't live up to the man...we evolve. |
[09 Jun 2003|10:20pm] |
Tomboy
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
if tomboy is ever an option on one of these silly quizzes i get it.
so school sucks HUGE nut sacks. but it will be over soon. it seems endless but i know that it isn't. i really hate the fact that school has to interfere so much with me and oatis.
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| i'm ashamed of myself... |
[02 Jun 2003|09:44pm] |
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but i had to do it. i stole a hammer and sickle icon from i fellow lj user. i am a loser, i know.
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| getting trampled by the boots of progress... |
[02 Jun 2003|09:10pm] |
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soo....man oh man life has been crazy lately. school is fucking killing me. it always is at this time of the year. i am so fucking done with it. but i can't be cuz this is the time i need to bust my ass and pass all my classes. but anyway. i just want to have all the time i need. to be with steven and to party and to work and to just do all the shit i want to do. and i can't do that with school and i'm really starting to get ansy. if that's how you spell it.
i love steven. i'm sure you all know that by now...but he is truly amazing. gah. i just ugh i'm consumed by him. i mean in a good way of course. not like the last time i wrote. i got to sleep with him this weekend. it was sooooo nice. i mean soooooooooo nice. man i loved it. we slept like all day. it was the greatest.
well summer is on it's way. and i'm gonna fuckin love it.
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| im not even gonna try to explain how much I love you... |
[20 May 2003|10:27pm] |
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so uhhh....hi long time no write. hahaha corny.i suddenly am extremely excited about prom. it is going to be excellent. i just have to decide on a dress. ahhhh it's so hard i like them both so much. i think i'm gonna end up going with the purple one but... it's just so hard. they are both so pretty. well i'm really excited that megan is going to because at least she is someone i can have fun with...besides oatis of course. i haven't gotten fucked up with her in a long time. it will definitely be fantastic. and getting all dressed up always makes a girl happy. i wish that steph was going to cuz that would just be amazing to be out with both of them but...i know it is short notice and she has much on her mind. but i'm sure she will be ok.<3
well i suppose i'll be going now i really should get to bed. goodnite.
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| i've had it up to here...so sick and tired... |
[07 May 2003|09:43pm] |
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well since i almost died for these pictures i might as well post some...
yeah well...i have more but for some reason they don't want to upload so...that's all for tonight.
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| holy fuckin shit |
[26 Apr 2003|04:57pm] |
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omfg this probably isn 't even worth reading to any of you because this will be nothing more than a rant.
i fucking hate i mean HATE my fucking job. don't ever get a job washing dishes especially if the cooks are 2 miserable obnoxious horny old guys. i'm fucking serious i don't have anything to say except that i hate hate hate hate my job and i wish i could fucking quit i wish i never had to wash dishes again i wish i had some kind of fucking opportunity and that my mother wasn't so much of a loser that she doesn't even have a goddamn car. i wish i could have an easy job that pays decent i wish i could fucking bag groceries stock shelves or type shit for money. i wish i didn't have to fucking bust my ass to get a measly 60 fucking bucks a week. yeah a 60 fucking bucks that i can fucking smoke away in less than a week. i wish the fucking people that worked there weren't fucking self centered assholes who don't give a shit about anybody but themselves. i wish i didn't need money so fucking bad that i have to work at a job that i hate so much that i fucking sit home and cry about it how much i fucking hate my job.
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| have you forgotten...that george bush is an idiot? |
[20 Apr 2003|01:22pm] |
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so i'm sitting here on easter which sux in itself because easter is a stupid non sense holiday and will stupid kid is here and he's watching the fucking coutry music channel and this fucking song is on that is about the war and 9/11. that alone is stupid because there is absolutely no relation between the two. and so it says something like "they say this country is trying to pick a fight but have you fogotten about that day the towers fell" or something like that. omfg! need i say anymore? what a fucking piece of shit that guy is who sings that fucking song. propaganda at its very best. country music. reaching the most susceptible people...uneducated hicks. so i say that the song is stupid...really stupid...and the kids' like "it's about nine eleven." and i'm like "no shit that's exactly why it's so fucking stupid." and he says "you're mean." i'm like yeah i'm really fucking mean you stupid bastard. ok time for stupid fucking easter dinner. adios!
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| i hear you call my name... |
[17 Apr 2003|02:08pm] |
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so last night oatmeal came over again. it was nice. he didn't piss me off like he did tuesday. but yeah andy came home with us too and then we smoked pot and then he left. and then when he was gone me and oatmeal were laying on my bed watching Ocean's Eleven and i fell asleep and slept for like and hour and a half. i felt bad that i fell asleep on him like that but i was exhausted i had to do it. so then we went to melissas and then came back again and hungout on my couch till like one and then he left. i didn't even really get to talk to him today and now he's going to connecticut with melissa to pick up his grandma and i was invited to go but i couldn't because my dad comes on thursdays. grrr!!!! now i won't get to talk to him like...all day. and it sux and i wanna see him and i love him.
so i got my report card and i'm passing everything and it's spring break and i brought the bass home and i have oatmeal and my mom is going away next week.
i'm happy.
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[15 Apr 2003|10:51pm] |
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oatmeal pissed me off today...and the situation is still pissing me off right now...i mean don't get me wrong i love him or whatever but he can be a total dick sometimes and i just don't understand it.
i happend to make a comment to him about the begining of saving private ryan that we watched in history. i said that it was really horrifying or something and i couldn't imagine it or whatever...and he comes out with you're stupid they deserved it blah blah blah....and i'm like ok they deserved it because they were fighting the nazis...hmmm...and then he starts saying some shit about how they didn't make the choice which makes them deserve it or something and then says, now this is the line he uses all the time that really pisses me off..."i'm not going to discuss this with you." and i'm like wtf why? and he's like "becuase you're defensless. knoweledge is power." i was like omfg! i could have fucking punched him in the face.
i could go really in depth with this and explain AAALLLLLL the reasons why this pisses me off but i won't cuz that will take too much time and i'll prolly be more pissed off by the end than i am now but...NO ONE ever has made me feel like i'm a fucking mental midget...except for him. and the thing is i wasn't even talking fucking politics i was talking the human fucking element. i watched that. i put myself in those mens shoes. i found it terrifying. that was it. and he starts fucking telling me they deserved. ok maybe they were stupid for being there for whatever reason or they weren't there for the right reasons blah blah blah but i don't think that makes a person deserve to get their limbs blown off on some beach. but that all is besides the point.
now i happen to have very particular political views. this actually happens to be part of the reason i was ever intrested in oatmeal. because he also does. but see his thing is that no one is as smart as him and it's like he thinks he knows something that the rest of the world doesn't or something....yes america is shit yes it's corrupt yes all politicians are lying out their fucking ass about pretty much everything. but you know what? i can guarantee he doesn't know anything more about what's really going on than anyone else. because NO ONE knows what's really going on no one ever does maybe if we're lucky our grand children will read it in a history book 50 years from now. but no one will ever know what is truly going on in current politics. yes you can find out more than the average person if you care to know. but that doesn't mean you know america's agenda. i mean jesus half of the fucking bush administration or any other administration for that matter doesn't know what is REALLY going on. that is also beside the point. so anyway...i have very particular political opinions...and i would love to be able to discuss them with him and debate on some shit with him. but he won't even hear me. he dismisses me with a "you're stupid and i won't discuss this with you." i mean i don't expect that our view will be the same because he's all about how everything sux and everyone is stupid and no one ever does anything good. but i would like to be able to talk about it once in a while should such a topic come up.
ok and then i'm pissed because he said that to me and so i try to tell him that and of course telling him he's pissed me off get's me no where either. he tried to say it's because he thinks that i'll flip out should he say something that is not of my view point but obviously that's not it since he did dismiss our conversation by telling me he's not going to discuss it because i'm defensless. i don't know...i'm just not gonna take him fucking making me feel like i'm some kind of idiot or like i'm just the same as the rest of the flock of sheep population and don't know anything and am blinded by all the "america, land of opportunity" propaganda. i don't know...he just doesn't give me the credit that i deserve and it REALLY fucking pisses me off. i think that because i am light hearted and goofy and silly and i talk a lot about dumb shit and dance around and make funny faces he thinks that i'm stupid. because he's the type that thinks that everything has to have meaning and everything is serious and everything sux. i also think that everything sux but i would at least like to enjoy myself a little bit once in a while. i don't know, he's just an arrogant bastard....and i hope i can break him of that. i mean i don't want to change him as a person but i'm not going to tolerate someone who makes me feel like an idiot just because i'm not as "hardcore" as them.
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