| you think you know, but you have no idea |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|03:28 pm] |
March 19, 2004--
Dear Diary,
Happy New Year. Today I woke up and broke the wheels off of Michelle's bike. She started crying a little bit, but then I told her if she didn't shut up I would eat her. She piped down. I got on my pogo stick and bounced down to the store where I bought a case of PBR. Actually, I didn't buy it...they gave it to me for free. Actually, I just took it...they didn't do anything. I hopped over to Danny Tanner's house and took all of his shirts out of his closet and mailed them to Texas. Then, I ate some General Tso's Chicken. It was too spicy, so I threw General Tso off of the roof of the library. I went home and found Becky cleaning all of the asbestos out of our ceiling. She was wearing gloves and a mask, but I took them and told her to toughen up. Then, she made me some lemonade. I asked her where the kids were, and she told me I was supposed to pick them up from day care before I came home. The she realized that she made a mistake and agreed with me that they should walk home. I was pretty tired from my day, so I took the SAT's and scored a 1700. Then, I tied Joey Gladstone's shoelaces together and threw him on a treadmill. I went up to bed, called Donald Trump and told him to fluff my pillow because he had a shitty TV show. He obliged. I sat back in bed and fell asleep listening to "Mr. Boombastic" by Shaggy, which was written about me. Tomorrow, I'll probably be sweeter than I was today.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
September 15, 2003--
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and took a pee. I peed on the seat on purpose, and then left the seat up. Becky came in to take a crap, and she fell in the toilet. Then, when she put the seat down, she sat in my pee. She asked me why I did that...and then she realized I was Uncle Jesse. Then she went and sat in the pee again. Then I bleached the laces for my white tennis shoes. They got really clean, so I took the bleach and spelled out "butt-lord" on Danny Tanner's front lawn. Then I went back to my house and built a snowman with really sweet hair. It was summer, so there wasn't any snow, but I made Joey Gladstone go to the zoo and buy me 40,000 snow cones. I ate some Chef Boyardee "Dinosaurs with meatballs." Everyone thinks that they stopped making them, but the truth is that I just bought them all. Then I went over to Jimmy Buffet's house and stole all of the Flintstone's Push-Pops out of his freezer. Then, I took a huge dump on his lawn and farted on his guard dog. I went home and put on my leather pajamas with the rhinestones and the fringes. I looked at myself in the mirror and got a raging boner. Then I watched every episode of The Cosby Show and went to bed. Tomorrow, I'm going to the Video Game Exchange to trade in the Game-Gear that Becky bought me (cause she is lame) for a Nintendo Power Glove.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
May 15, 2003--
Dear Diary,
I woke up today with a cramp in my left calf muscle. I told it to go away, so it did. I got out of bed, and went to the video store where I rented "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory." Great movie. Becky said she didn't like it, but I told her that she did. I got on my computer and played Snood for a while. No, wait...I didn't...cause I'm not lame. Instead, I rocked the $^&% out! I sent Becky to Wal-Mart to pick me up some Skittles and some motor oil. While she was gone, I messed up the kitchen on purpose. I had some Cap'n Crunch and headed off to the mall. They were having a Dungeons and Dragons tournament. So, when everyone wasn't looking, I took a chain and tied them all up to the back of my hog and drove away with them. Then, I left them at Danny Tanner's house and told him to cook them dinner. He did. Then, I told him to cook me dinner. At first, he said he didn't want to...so I threw him off the roof of the library four times. Then, he wanted to. I went home to find that my dinner was cold, so I made Becky sit there and blow on it gently until it warmed up. It tasted like crap. Then, I went up to bed and beat American Gladiators for Nintendo four times.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
April 3, 1003--
Dear Diary,
Today I was playing my Gameboy Advance when I realized that I was sweeter than everyone in the entire world. I ate some quiche and went downstairs where I found Nicky and Alex pooping all over the living room. I took the poop and rubbed it in Danny Tanner's eyes. He really didn't fight back, cause he's a big wuss and he is afraid of baby poop. I worked out on my BOW-FLEX and my NORDICTRAC, and I checked myself out in the mirror. My pecs were friggin' ginormus. After I worked out, I put on my pants and hopped on my hog and rode down to I.H.O.P. where I enjoyed some delectable "Stuffed French Toast." Then, I went to Tijuana, where I partied with SNOW and INXS. They were pretty sweet, but not as sweet as me. We went to a karaoke bar and sang "BOOMBASTIC" and "POWER OF LOVE." When we tried to cross the border to come back to the states, the federales gave us crap. So, I beat them up and took over Mexico. Now, its mine. I'm gonna change the name of Mexico to "Judge Dredd comes here to party." That should elevate the tourism industry like crazy. I came back late, and drunk, and Becky pleaded with me to stop partying. I looked at her, deep in the eyes, and reminded her that she was lucky to be married to me...err, rather, lucky that I LET her be married to me. She apologized for being retarded and made me some beef jerky. I ate it, and she did the dishes. Then I went to bed while she knitted me socks.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
March 20, 2003--
Dear Diary,
What a day. I don't think I've ever been sweeter than I was today. Oh wait, I've been sweet all my life. When I got up this morning, Becky wasn't making me breakfast. I told her she was wrong for not making me breakfast, she apologized and got to cookin'. Her waffles tasted like crap. I told her she was wrong for making me bad waffles, and she apologized for that too. I was still hungry, so I went to Chipotle and got a burrito, but first I watched Judge Dredd 4 times. It got sweeter every single time I watched it. My burritos were sweet too. I was riding my hog home from Chipotle and I stopped into Paramount Studios and told them to make 3 more Judge Dredd movies. They will be released in theaters in 2004, 2006, and 2008. I actually told them what the movies would be about too. The first one would be about a sweet dude with sweet hair who rides on motorcycles and rocks out all the time. The second one would be about a sweet dude with sweet hair who parties with David Hasselhoff all the time. The third one would be about a sweet dude with sweet hair whose wife doesn't cook good waffles...so he sends her to jail! Those movies are going to be super sweet. I also suggested a complimentary comb with each ticket purchase, but then I realized that giving everyone combs would make everyone think their hair was sweet--which it isn't. So, instead of combs, they will get a swift kick in the ulna. That'll show em. After my sweet idea for the Judge Dredd sequels, I went home and rocked out with my guitar, cause that's what sweet dudes do.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
March 11, 2003--
Dear Diary,
Today, I woke up and I was sweet. I had slept in my leather jacket, and my cowboy boots. Becky complained that it made the bed smell funny, but I told her to shut up. She did. End of story. I walked downstairs and saw Nicky and Alex playing Pokemon. I was like "What the $&^%??" Seriously, I said that to them. The were all like, "But Dad...Pokemon is cool." I said, "Don't ever call me Dad when you're playing Pokemon--instead, you can call me "Dude who isn't related to us because we are lame and playing Pokemon."" I took all the Pokemon cards from them and put a baked potato in Danny Tanner's exhaust pipe. That'll teach 'em. I took the twins to the toy store, to try and teach them how not to be lame. I picked out some sweet toys for them (Harley Davidson Big Wheels, Guitars and Fake Sideburns). Then, I took them home and tied Danny Tanner to one of the kitchen chairs and let Nicky and Alex drive all over his clean clothes with their Harley Davidson Big Wheels while he watched. He cried. After I successfully transformed my kids into badasses, I was hungry. Joey Gladstone was eating a hoagie, so I took it from him. I ate the entire thing, and wiped my mouth on his sleeve. He cried too. Then, D.J. came home from school and started blaring some "50 Cent" from her room. I marched upstairs and unplugged her radio, then I got on her phone shaped like lips and called the police. They came and arrested her for pissing me off. Michelle came into the room and wanted me to sing her a lullaby, but I was too busy rockin' out. She went to bed sad, and I didn't care because I was rockin' out.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
February 24, 2003--
Dear Diary,
Today started out pretty sweet. I woke up, looked in the mirror, and was like...wow, I'm way better looking then I was while I was asleep. I popped Judge Dredd in, and made myself an omelet. It was pretty good, but I was still hungry. So I called up Danny Tanner and made his ass come over and cook me waffles. He may hit like a washwoman, but he can make some good waffles. But I still hate him. After I ate his waffles, I threw him off the roof of the library. He landed on his head. I wasn't sure if he was unconscious, so I took a really heavy brick and made sure. He tried to call 9-1-1, but I drove over his phone (and his hand) with my motorcycle. He screamed like a 5-year-old girl. Then, Becky and I took the twins to get another haircut. After that, Becky wanted me to go grocery shopping. I said no, and she listened. She went by herself. I thought I saw some ninjas when I was driving home, but they were Mormons instead. I beat their asses anyways. Then, some real ninjas actually did pop out of the bushes. I beat the tar out of them too, and when I ripped off their masks...guess who it was?? Friggin' Joey Gladstone!! Seriously, where does that clown show get off trying to give me sass? I beat him with his Popeye doll, and then I tied all his clothes together in a long rope, and drove away with them hanging off the back of my motorcycle. But then I passed a Petland and realized, "these clothes are lame"...so I threw them into the trash. I came home and Becky made me dinner, just like I told her to. Then I said my prayers and went to bed without doing the dishes OR clearing the table.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO
February 16, 2003--
Dear Diary,
Today I was extra sweet. I got up, and I watched Judge Dredd 3 times! Then, I had a brief pep-talk with my hair follicles, just to keep them in check. I had a hard time figuring out what to wear this morning, so I opted for the classic tight black jeans, cowboy boots, and white V-neck t-shirt with the ridiculously big, silver, cross necklace. And then Joey Gladstone came into my room mumbling something about Popeye, so I punched him in the head and made him bleed from his ears. Then I sat down and did my taxes. Actually, no...I've just decided that I'm never going to pay taxes because I'm sweeter than the government. I have better hair than everyone in the government, including Martin Van Buren. Then I took Nicky and Alex to the barber, and he gave them Lego haircuts...so I took that blue stuff that the combs were soaking in, and I rubbed it in his eyes. That'll teach him. I came back home, and Danny Tanner was all vacuuming the living room, so I put on his shoes and stepped in some dog shit and then walked across the floor. I thought he was going to cry. And then Stephanie Tanner came into my room when I was rockin' out to Sammy Davis Jr. and started whining about being in the fourth grade. So, I picked her up by the ankles and swung her around my head. Then, I went and ate a gyro and some Mountain Dew. That hit the spot. Then, I came home and looked at myself in the mirror and said "boy, I'm glad I'm really friggin' hot!" Then, I said my prayers and went to bed and dreamed about Danny Tanner driving his car off of a bridge.
Your Friend,
Uncle Jesse
XOXO |
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