..(too fucked up to care anymore)..'s Journal [entries|friends|calendar] ..(too fucked up to care anymore).. [ website | .sex and misery. ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

we hate everybody [22 Apr 2002|05:45pm] [ mood | angry ] got an opendiary. i don't know why i got it. i guess i shouldn't update right now, because i'm in a horrible mood, but i dunno.. i might as well. you all think i'm a psychotic bitch anyway, so i don't see what one or two more bitchy entries will do much harm. talked to maria on the phone. talked to kelly on the internet. sick and tired of stupid bullshit and NOT writing in complete sentences. josha's toxicology report came back. there was not a drop of illicit substance in him- like we didn't already know that. i'm fucking sick and tired of all of this stupid bullshit i have to deal with every goddamn day. why can't people just fucking leave me alone? i want everyone to leave me alone. but of course, no one will. i really don't want to go to josha's memorial without maria. but whatever. fucking whatever. on to the opendiary, to write horrible evil things that i can't say in front of people. 3 comments|post comment

katherine, you cunt [22 Apr 2002|03:52pm] she's bitching to her mom because i'm going to the damn service in julian and so is she. god i wish maria would go.. i think i'm going to die or something.. i want her to go.. jean wants to invite her. could she somehow go? post comment

(nervous.terrified.paranoid) [22 Apr 2002|11:29am] maria, are you still my girlfriend? i think i'm going to throw up. post comment

11:17 in the PM, and yet..NO EMAIL [22 Apr 2002|11:17am] i feel very sad. i feel like i'm going to cly. no email from maria, at all. this is a verrrry bad scene. i just checked it again to be sure that there was no vast cosmic boo-boo, but there's still absolutely not a word of email. i KNOW i'm gonna cly. and i ditched class and everything to get to this goddamned computer, and no fucking email. i'm depressed. i don't know why... grrr... i just wrote in my journal "i miss my baby. to run the risk of sounding like a complete idiot, she is the air i breathe." ::SIGH:: yeah francesca, you do sound like a complete idiot. no email. not a single drop of email, STILL. after i wrote that goddamned 10k email, she could not go in at lunch recess, or during guitar, or ANYTHING to write me back. okay. maybe i'm being unfair. maybe she didn't go to school today. WHY AM I OBSESSING? i don't know. fuck. blaaahh. josha's memorial is set for may 10th ( same day as prom) and i really really want her to go. actually, i need her to go. i need someone i love for support. and i just don't think my friends (though they are wonderful, usually) can cut it for such an abysmal occassion. still no fucking email. what the ever loving HELL?! depression... i'm getting sick of my dress.. i'm getting sick of miss cummins.. but i have nothing to do so i might as well update update update you on THE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that's going on!!!! is she pissed at me? oh FUCK IT. thank you very much, ladies and gents. au revoir. post comment

i am in a pink prom dress [22 Apr 2002|09:30am] [ mood | horny ] [ music | Le Tigre- Eua d'Ballroom Dancing ] it's 50's day at CAPA. i miss my girlfriend. I REALLY THINK SHE SHOULD EMAIL and UPDATE HER OPENDIARY because that would make me oh so very happy. hehe anyway, so. ana went to the damn audition,she said it went well. yay for ana! i was feeling really shitty yesterday. i watched "The Craft", which i hadn't watched since that one night maria slept over...before she was my gf, and i really had a crush on her and she lay on my stomach and i couldn't feel my legs after a while but i really didn't care..hehe i love her so much. i miss her even more.. i'm going to go to her school sometime next week when she has a later lunch, so i don't get CHASED OFF BY SECURITY!! i love my baby. post comment

in other news. [21 Apr 2002|03:24pm] weird tension with ana gone. the damn cat-girl (paul's wannafuck) was all over me the whole damn trip though. stupid fake bisexuals. i hate women. post comment

the everlasting gaze [21 Apr 2002|03:05pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | ozma- shootingstars and battlescars..emo. cry, cry,cry. ] (kills self) okay, now i feel better. america sings! (disclaimer, disclaimer) was horrible and fun and lame and cool all at once. suprisingly enough, i spent most of it hanging out with ana maria, mauricio, and that set, the people i usually don't hang out with. kris was pretty cool, not his usual condescending-prickish self- though he still treats ana like shit, and should be ashamed. okay. so, day 1 was dull as hell, until we got to america sings! ana and i had fun creating chaos, and we started a conga line which erupted into a mosh pit. apparently, america sings! isn't just some patriotic bullshit choir get-together. it's a fucking NAZI ASS CHRISTIAN JESUS CULT MASSING! which of course, horrified all of us to no end. basically janet (who herself is a rabit atheist) had shoved us (a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and wiccans-not a christian among us) into some bizarre cult of huggy huggy militant christians intent on brainwashing the world with jesus showtunes. but hey, we could have fun defiling them. ana talked a lot more than she usualy does- she was being really fun and outgoing- usually she just has a tendency to lurk in kris's shadow. we went to the kensington library, which KICKED ASS and i hung out with kevin mondane and cassandra and amanda (who misses nando horribly). i love art. anyway, the hostel was absolutely repulsive- so so so dirty and scummy. the bathroom was cleaner than the beds, so melissa, ana maria, and i camped out in there and talked until about 4 am. which was not a smart thing, considering we had to get up at 6:45. the performance....was awesome. in utter defiance, we ripped up our t-shirts and ana and i wore fishnet shirts and we all glared at everyone who gave us funny looks or crossed themselves when they saw us. hehehe. i'm really depressed today and unhappy and introspective. maria was at church this morning. (sigh). i don't know what to do about maria. post comment

yours alone (on the telephone) [18 Apr 2002|07:04pm] maria called me. the convo was short, lasted only around 2 minutes or so. she was really upset, her mom has decided to delete all of her mp3s- all 500 mp3s. very fucking mean of her, if i do say so myself. she was crying and she sounded really hoarse, too. i think she's still sick or something. but still, it was my maria's voice, and that's all that matters. ::sigh:: i love her so much. oh, i'm listening to madonna. even though i don't like her. at all. kick me now. i'm in an okay, mood, i guess.. i feel horrible for maria, but oh well. i planned out america sings! (typical disclaimer..) stuff, so there will be no chance of weirdness. it might be fun, what with cassandra and ernest and amanda and other cool people going. along with the irritating fucks i want to strangle sometimes ::cough::angel::cough:: i doubt i would dislike him so much if he wasn't so obviously hiding his sexuality. maria's parents want to send her to a "suck cock for jesus" camp, as matt so aptly (and vulgarly) puts it. ::siiiiigh:: i've always had this nagging terror that she would go to one of those and end up straight or something.. grrr i mean our relationship has never been easy, and...well...you meet lots of nice lesbians at straight camp, and...well.. WHAT IF SHE ISN'T REALLY GAY?! i don't know. maybe that's a weird paranoia. maybe not. my life sucks. i miss my girl...at least she knows i came, she read her email. ::sigh:: my poor baby was crying.. her mom still isn't talking to her. i'm downloading a lot of music off the internet. i wish there was a way i could keep my friends from the shit that hurts them, but i guess i can't.. i was sort of talking to my dad about the stuff going on with maria today. he told me i should just stay away from her, for her sake, and i told him "she doesn't want me to stay away from her." he then proceeded to tell me if i really loved her, i would stay away from her. i really hate hate hate hearing that. christina and kelly and amanda still want me to go to prom- i said no, i didn't want to be around all these sweet cuddling breeder couples. christina started laughing- i forgot that she had just broken up with brandon and amanda's nando is in san francisco. listening to trance music (i feel like such a stoner). tommorow is 4/20, and all the stoners are going to celebrate at disneyland. oi. people are sooo smart. anyway, i think this is all i'm going to write until monday. au revoir. maria, i love you, i miss you, email me :) i'll try and get to you somehow, baby.. post comment

sort-of nightmares and america sings! (exclamation point is in the title, and no indicator of glee) [18 Apr 2002|08:36am] [ mood | awake ] i was going to write enthusiasm, but the computer said it was too long, so i didn't. anyway. i had a really weird/bad dream last night. i dreamt that for some reason i was annoyed with maria, and somehow a bad message was relayed to her- like i was going to break up with her or something (therefore proving this was a nightmare, and not reality ;)). anyway, so kelly called me, and she was crying. she was like, "i called maria's house, and her mom said she killed herself!" of course, i immediately walked into the kitchen and got a big knife with which to do away with myself, but somehow i ended up calling maria's house, and kelly talked to her mom, who sounded tearful but bizarrely cheery. i remember the dialogue was something like "is she in the hospital? is she dying?" and her mom said "yes." and then i started asking her questions, and she shut up. she just stopped talking. anyway, i told my dad that i needed a ride to the hospital, and he said okay, but then he heated up food in the microwave and sat down to eat before he took me. i got pissed off and called a cab and left. when i arrived at the hospital, maria's dad was working inthe lobby with a bunch of other lawyers. i don't remember seeing maria. i was just talking to CJ about his adventures at the dentist. funny shit. yeah so i drank four cups of coffee, because when i woke up this morning i just..was...dead to the world. going to maria's school at lunch, which i suppose isn'tsomething i should say on a computer where the faculty could prolly read that shit, but ohwell. i like i care. god.damned.mother.fucking.america.sings. for two days. i'm not going to go to disneyland, because pretty much nobody is going to that shit. spirit week is next week. oh glee. oh joi. anyway, off for now. post comment

meeting mr. brett [17 Apr 2002|09:31pm] yup, i was right. he is fucking stupid. really nice, but not too bright. i'm depressed and sad and sick of trying to push people who care about me away. so now would be a good time to talk to me, because i'm actually being receptive. i'm supposed to go to America-Motherfucking-Sings, exclamation point, because it's going to fucking SUCK ASS. and i won't be able to have any contact with maria whatsoever. not like it would be possible to do so anyway, but.. i don't know. no email, no livejournal, for two days. and i'm stuck with the fucking capa people. i may just reduce cat and annoying bf to greasy stains on the hostel wall. yes, we're staying in a scummy hostel. life is peachy. i miss my baby.. i miss josha too.. i hate my life. post comment

once again reduced to tears [17 Apr 2002|03:35pm] [ mood | crestfallen ] i give up, you guys. this is such bullshit. going to maria's school tommorow, and then that's it, maybe. i don't know how to fucking hold on to this stupid shit. i hurt all over. my heart hurts. my head hurts. my body hurts. i don't want to go to the choir bullshit, i don't want to go out, i don't want to see/touch/talk to/listen to ANYONE anymore..no exceptions. fuck. (enclosed for your entertainment, an email jeriah sent me last friday, i think it was) I was pretty pissed that Linda orchestrated a service for him. That's just fucked up. He'd be really pissed if he knew, or at least think it was stupid. I mean, a hang-out-and-remember-him kind of thing would have been nice, but this priest-Jesus shit is just bad. But, if it's what helps them heal, then I say give them their fairy tales... I am alright. I went to Fathom last night, which is where we went last week right before it happened, but it wasn't really weird, just kind of boring. I highly recommend that you not kill yourself. It just seems like a bad idea. Or, and this I think was Josha's mistake, if you are going to, make sure you do something REALLY fun first. Like run into a church naked, piss on the priest, and THEN kill yourself. What are they going to do, arrest the dead? But back in the real world, don't do that. It would just fuck a lot of people up. If you need to call me, you can; I'm hardly ever home but it's worth a shot. And, if you want to and can get away with it, you can come up and visit me anytime you need to; I know it's a long way and unlikely, but if you wanted to get away from your family or whatever, the invitation's open. Just make sure they know where you're going so I don't get in any trouble. I'll send some hair down with mom; she's up here right now, totally weird, kind of making things worse for me, but whatever. Don't have any of the stuff from the cops yet, so I'll get that stuff to you later (ring, wallet stuff, etc.) Be well, write back as necessary, visit if you want. Otherwise, I'll see you in May. -J. post comment

ditching..shame shame shame [17 Apr 2002|12:07pm] well, still ditching tons of classes. school is just really pointless to me. haven't talked to maria, she sent me a sentence long email and tried to call me, but i was in class so paul couldn't give me the cell phone. so yeah. she said she would call me back. she hasn't. so yeah. arin said she would take me to sdh tommorow. so yeah. post comment

oh, PS: [16 Apr 2002|10:07am] i love my girlfriend. i want to see her. ::sigh:: post comment

feeling a bit better [16 Apr 2002|10:03am] i miss my baby. i miss my girl. i'm basically skipping all of my classes and hiding out in the computer lab, which is fine by me. anyway. i found out kris has a website, therefore in order to further humiliate miss ana, i'm going to provide y'all with a nice wee linkling to pics and sheeit. bwahaha. i am evil. http://harmonicminor.com/anamaria.htm . enjoy, all. ROTFLMAO. anyway, it's better that i be here at school among friends than around my mother. christ. she's a wench. post comment

ana maria is on amihot!!! [16 Apr 2002|09:13am] hahahaha. i made her do it. she had no choice in the matter. her sn is glamrawkgurlie. bwahahahahahaha. go vote, right now. ANA SAYS: shhh. don't make fun of me. post comment

hiding [16 Apr 2002|08:47am] in the computer lab, con ana maria. she hijacked me because i didn't want to go to class. it's pretty funny, we're wearing exactly the same thing. hoods up and everything. post comment

at school-oh, and i hate my mother [16 Apr 2002|08:30am] maria, if you want to call me from school, you can reach me at this number: 1 858 229 5851 (excerpt from paper journal) i'm sitting in my english class, having my intelligence insulted by mr. bass's idiotic reading of macbeth, wearing josha's clothes. his pants are held up by a scarf. his shirt if the one i gave him for either his b-day or for christmas last year, and it's only a few sizes too big. no makeup, just chapstick. ever since maria and i got caught, my mental helath has been on rapid decline. never have any guilt, people who have had friends/relatives commit suicide. you get to a point where absolutely nothing can help or change your mind. no amount of love or support can take you out of your misery. all of my strength, compassion, and patience have burned off complete. i am jack's complete lack of hope. my dad is prolly going to tell me i'm being a total and complete bitch, but i don't FUCKING care. i'm tired of putting other people b4 my own feelings. nothing's gonna change my world. it's just not worth it anymore. i probably have other options, but i'm so tired. I WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE OR I'LL E X P L O D E.. post comment

today is black [15 Apr 2002|08:21pm] i'm losing the letter to maria in all of these horrible entries. i love maria. post comment

come on, bitch, COPE, bitch COPE..no? yeah that's what i thought. [15 Apr 2002|05:53pm] KILLALLROCKSTAR5: brett. is. fucking. stupid. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: life is pain. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: life is hell. sunflowerSINeuro: brett? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: josha's friend thing sunflowerSINeuro: oh sunflowerSINeuro: yeah sunflowerSINeuro: he should die KILLALLROCKSTAR5: social darwinism. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: look KILLALLROCKSTAR5: 'Gwar11: hey whats up? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: nm, you? Gwar11: nothing either Gwar11: it was weird it rainned today... KILLALLROCKSTAR5: yeah KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i slept through it, though Gwar11: how are you anyways? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: what did those emails say? can i see? Gwar11: you okay? Gwar11: yeah for sure KILLALLROCKSTAR5: bleh. living. breathing. not doing much otherwise. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: thnx KILLALLROCKSTAR5: how are you doing? Gwar11: Im okay I guess KILLALLROCKSTAR5: good. did you get the surfing stuff? Gwar11: Wed Im going to visit Jean... since I havent yet.. there going to throw some flowers off the end of the Jetty Gwar11: not yet Gwar11: here goto... www.AOL.com Gwar11: and heres his info.... KILLALLROCKSTAR5: thnx KILLALLROCKSTAR5: they are? Gwar11: gwar10 Password = shlong69 Gwar11: yeah KILLALLROCKSTAR5: lol sort of stupid, he hated san diego. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: love the password..hehe Gwar11: haha Gwar11: yeah Gwar11: look at old mail and sent mail and all that good stuff KILLALLROCKSTAR5: ok Gwar11: I saved it all KILLALLROCKSTAR5: thnx, brett Gwar11: no problem Gwar11: did he really hate San Diego Gwar11: I swear I need to just ask you a billion questions and shit KILLALLROCKSTAR5: with a passion KILLALLROCKSTAR5: ask me anything Gwar11: did he seem depressed? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he seemed happier Gwar11: I know he hated SD becasue he moved away from all his friends in poway where he grew up Gwar11: he did didnt he Gwar11: did you think he was going to end his life though KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no one had any idea whatsoever Gwar11: did you read those emails yet? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he sounded really happy to be in arcata KILLALLROCKSTAR5: we were making plans for may, and the summer KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no. Gwar11: ok Gwar11: I know Gwar11: hmmmmmm Gwar11: want me to get them and send em to you then Gwar11: would that be easier KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no. Gwar11: alright Gwar11: well what do you think about him ending his life KILLALLROCKSTAR5: think maybe we should email the guy he sent those weird ones to? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i think it fucking sucks. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i don't know Gwar11: yeah same here KILLALLROCKSTAR5: ii would have expected it from anyone else Gwar11: I did EMail him something Gwar11: I know its just to weird you know Gwar11: for him to do that Gwar11: so you read all of the emails then KILLALLROCKSTAR5: what. the. fuck. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: when did he try to kill himself? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i think he's just dicking around KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he emailed keila. he's not being serious. Gwar11: oh is that who that person is KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i think he was just fucking miserable Gwar11: yeah me too Gwar11: he really didnt get out enought htough Gwar11: no lisence Gwar11: you know Gwar11: stuff like that Gwar11: he was confined to his room alot in SD KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he couldn't talk to people KILLALLROCKSTAR5: getting out wasn't the problem Gwar11: and I think School probably sucked Gwar11: yeah Gwar11: but he could Gwar11: Im the same way Gwar11: Im shy KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no he couldn't. he didn't like getting to know people. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he was way different. it wasn't a matter of being shy, it was a matter of feeling completely isolated from any and all human interaction KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he hated that. Gwar11: yeah Gwar11: why didnt he like getting to know more people? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he didn't like people. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: they were stupider than him, and he knew it. it was glaringly obvious Gwar11: yeah I know Gwar11: but why waist your life shit KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i don't know KILLALLROCKSTAR5: we'll never know Gwar11: yeah Gwar11: hmmmmm Gwar11: did you read the email about he found eternal happiness KILLALLROCKSTAR5: yes. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: it's deeply sarcastic. Gwar11: ahhhh okay KILLALLROCKSTAR5: but dont tell his mom KILLALLROCKSTAR5: let her have her fairy tales. Gwar11: alright KILLALLROCKSTAR5: whatever it takes for them to cope Gwar11: is that your number that 834-2682 Gwar11: yeah Gwar11: so how old are you anyways? Gwar11: your really smart KILLALLROCKSTAR5: 15 KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no. 1 618 275 3718 is my number Gwar11: but why did he ask her if she was still alive? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: because she hadn't replied to his email in a while. Gwar11: hmmmmmm Gwar11: sooo your saying it had nothing to do with him and his killing himself then? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: oh, i'm sure it had something to do with it. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: social isolation Gwar11: hmmmmm alrght Gwar11: Im lost...... oh well KILLALLROCKSTAR5: where did i lose you? Gwar11: you can keep up to date on the emails but please next time after you read them keep them as new okay Gwar11: I dunno ..... KILLALLROCKSTAR5: ok. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he felt like he was completely alone in the world. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: therefore, who would care if he killed himself? Gwar11: but hwy did he feel this way KILLALLROCKSTAR5: because he was depressed KILLALLROCKSTAR5: because he had no friends. Gwar11: I mean there were alot of people that cared about him KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no there weren't. Gwar11: hmmmmmm KILLALLROCKSTAR5: there were around 10. Gwar11: I did KILLALLROCKSTAR5: and no one was really close to him Gwar11: you did KILLALLROCKSTAR5: to did i Gwar11: mom dad Gwar11: grandma KILLALLROCKSTAR5: well, that wasn't enough for him, and i'm sure he didn't take anyone else into consideration when he did this. Gwar11: lostof peoplea admired his artwork too 3D modeling stuff Gwar11: but he got bored of it KILLALLROCKSTAR5: but admiratiion meant nothing to him. Gwar11: yeah KILLALLROCKSTAR5: he wanted a connection KILLALLROCKSTAR5: and that just wasn't happening. Gwar11: he was in a way selfish huh? Gwar11: actully he wsa very Gwar11: I remember walking around with him on the board walk KILLALLROCKSTAR5: yes he was Gwar11: just talking about how much we wish all the fucking people werent there anymore Gwar11: they always flocked in the summer and it sucked KILLALLROCKSTAR5: yeah me too. he always used to say that to me. Gwar11: we wanted the beach to ourselves Gwar11: but fuck I miss him soo much Gwar11: dude I loved Josha he was my bestfriend.. just everything we talked about together kicked ass KILLALLROCKSTAR5: it was easy to say that down here- he thought he could leave and be with people like him. but no one was like him. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i know how you feel. Gwar11: I mena shit Gwar11: he kinda pisses me off that he did this Gwar11: did he say goodbye to you or anything? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no Gwar11: so.... I hear he used LSD.. and shot himself..... in the forest.... Gwar11: or something KILLALLROCKSTAR5: his last words to me were i love you, though. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: which is nice. Gwar11: yeah KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i think that's a crock. i doubt he was on acid. Gwar11: I wish I could have told him that Gwar11: yeah same here KILLALLROCKSTAR5: but yeah, he shot himself in the head., Gwar11: with hand gun KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no one is willing to admit that the boy was miserable. Gwar11: yeah I know he was thogh KILLALLROCKSTAR5: everyone wants to blame it on something Gwar11: and so do you Cessa KILLALLROCKSTAR5: true. Gwar11: sooo we will keep it that way k Gwar11: for other peoples sake KILLALLROCKSTAR5: k Previous message was not received by sunflowerSINeuro because of error: Your message was refused by the AOL Instant Messenger server, probably because the message was too big. Try making the message shorter and send it again. sunflowerSINeuro: at what sunflowerSINeuro: the emptiness sunflowerSINeuro: is this prestigious gothliness? sunflowerSINeuro: dont go prestigiously goth on me KILLALLROCKSTAR5: nevermind KILLALLROCKSTAR5: pretentious. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: the correct work is pretentious. sunflowerSINeuro: dammit sunflowerSINeuro: you're right sunflowerSINeuro: i was trying to sound all cessalike and shit sunflowerSINeuro: and my one brain cell fucked it up KILLALLROCKSTAR5: my pretentious esoteric ramblings. sunflowerSINeuro: hehe KILLALLROCKSTAR5: killallrockstars. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: do you really want to see pretentious and gothic? sunflowerSINeuro: are you on clonzepam? sunflowerSINeuro: ummm KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no. sunflowerSINeuro: i almost did the *action* thing sunflowerSINeuro: shoot me KILLALLROCKSTAR5: no, if i had a gun, i would shoot me, i assure you. sunflowerSINeuro: if i had a gun i might shoot you too sunflowerSINeuro: but we wont get into that KILLALLROCKSTAR5: sounds like a good idea. sunflowerSINeuro: hehe sunflowerSINeuro: i love you sunflowerSINeuro: it will be okayt KILLALLROCKSTAR5: sent you an email. sunflowerSINeuro: at least you aren't meghan. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: right. sunflowerSINeuro: you sent this from your dads email? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: yup. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i could honestly care less. sunflowerSINeuro: DID YOU PUT THIS ON YOUR LIVEJOURNAL?! KILLALLROCKSTAR5: oh yes. sunflowerSINeuro: honey sunflowerSINeuro: maria said somethign about a livejournal sunflowerSINeuro: im not sure KILLALLROCKSTAR5: oh yes. sunflowerSINeuro: but theres a pretty good chance sunflowerSINeuro: her parents will find this sunflowerSINeuro: do you realise this? sunflowerSINeuro: yes, you do sunflowerSINeuro: you want them too dont you? sunflowerSINeuro: cessa sunflowerSINeuro: maybey its tiem to go to the hospital sunflowerSINeuro: im worried KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i could care less. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: maybe. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: who cares? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: why would i want her parents to find this? KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i don't care if i delete this thing. i don't care if it's saved. sunflowerSINeuro: to make themm relalixe what they have done KILLALLROCKSTAR5: the damage already has been done KILLALLROCKSTAR5: and that entry is just proving their point KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i am crazy, yes. i am evil, yes. i am perverted, yes. sunflowerSINeuro: dont die sunflowerSINeuro: no you arent KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i have the "kiss of death", oh yes yes yes. sunflowerSINeuro: youre crazy as fuck sunflowerSINeuro: but not evil or perverted KILLALLROCKSTAR5: not anymore, anyway. sunflowerSINeuro: are you goign to kill yourself in the next 30 days KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i have not planned on it. sunflowerSINeuro: do you think you will KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i do not know. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i make no promises. sunflowerSINeuro: what do i do sunflowerSINeuro: i dont know what to do sunflowerSINeuro: there must be somethign im supposed to do KILLALLROCKSTAR5: there really is nothing to do. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: this is past the point of help. sunflowerSINeuro: but i have no godforsaken clue what the fuck it is sunflowerSINeuro: it hurts to watch this KILLALLROCKSTAR5: it's just a matter of living through this, if it's possible. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: understandable. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: it hurts to know it hurts you KILLALLROCKSTAR5: but there's really nothing i can do. sunflowerSINeuro: yeahi get that too KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i am trying very very hard to live. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: extrememly hard. but to be perfectly honest, i can make no promises. sunflowerSINeuro: we all fail at things sunflowerSINeuro: this isnt one of those to fuck around on sunflowerSINeuro: thats all KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i'm not fucking around. sunflowerSINeuro: you know what i mean sunflowerSINeuro: you can't fail KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i have never lost anyone in my life, not like this. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: it's just too much. KILLALLROCKSTAR5: i was having trouble staying alive as it was. sunflowerSINeuro: i know hunnie sunflowerSINeuro: i solly KILLALLROCKSTAR5: aren't we all. //// anyone call the cops/hospital on me, i will kill myself for real. and don't think i don't have the means, nor the motivation. post comment

broken, bruised, forgotten, sore (too fucked up to care anymore) [15 Apr 2002|11:21am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | nine inch nails ] Dear Maria, Hey baby. I love you. I'm not at school. I didn't sleep, so my parents made me stay home. which meant i got three hours of sleep. woo-de-fucking-do. sorry, i'm just not in a good mood. nor have i been for a while. i'm not going to prom. josha has this memorial thing up in julian, and i doubt i would get back in time anyway. you're dying? god, sweetheart, i'm so so sorry...i hate it that it has to be like this. i'm already dead- i feel empty inside, hollow. nothing does anything. i didn't know if coming after you would help or hurt, but i just couldn't let her drag you off. i couldn't let her take you away, i love you so much. i do believe i was ready to wring her motherfucking neck. did she get more mad at you after i came? what happened? how did they find out? what did they say? i want to hear everything, which means at least a few pages worth. heh. it's safe to call me if you want to, because my parents aren't pissed off. i wish you could throw me away, too. that way i could throw myself away.. or something. i don't know. i'm trying, love, i'm trying to hold on so hard, you know? but even dreams are fading. i love you maria carmel romano. i want to marry you, i want to spend the rest of my life with you. if you want to email me, send it from resolute urgency. i love you. -yours LA MER and when the day arrives i'll become the sky and i'll become the sea and the sea will come to kiss me for i am going home nothing can stop me now post comment

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