Date:	2003-02-27 14:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	R.E.M. - All the Right Friends

so ASL service was awesome! we went on a "deaf search" and i learned so many things fromt he friends - they taught me a ton in just a short amount of time. i will be able to go the ASL special talk on saturday and i am way excited. i'm going to talk to an elder tonight about my deicison to move back home so that i can get some insight into what Jehovah may be thinking about my deicision. i'm almost a little scared like i was with the parents. what if he says soemthing completely unexpected and lets me know that i should stay here! argh!
i talked to L forever the other night, she's so wonderful. i just don't think we should live together. i am so pleased with where our friendship is and i don't want to spoli anything by having petty roommate fights, which are bound to happen. i just love her to death - i want her to marry a man who deserves her and treats her like the little princess she is. she called early this a.m. to tell me the next thing her ex-hubby has done. i wish he'd just disappear or grow up. he needs to leave her alone and let her enjoy her life. she has a great life and she SO doesn't need him anymore. that makes me so happy for my friend.
i wonder when Th's wedding is. no one seems to know, how bizarre. i know that Ta is getting married in october... i can't wait to get home! i'm going to have the best shower for my lovely Th. she's been my best friend for so many years now and she's always been loyal to me. she's been a wondeful friend - truly my best friend: emotionally and especially spiritually. she'd drop everything for me and i've done so little to show her how much i appreciate her. i've concentrated on M for so long, making sure to keep her on the pedastal i had her on that i virtually ignored Th until i paid attention to her as an afterthought. and as usual, look who's there for me now - maybe i've learned my lesson on what to invest my time, energy, and love in.
i miss M a lot and wonder what happened. why did she suddenly stop being my friend? why did she say those thigns to g? i'll never figure it out on my own, and i guess that's ok. i almost don't want to know. i'm proud of myself for moving on because there were days when i wondered if i ever would.
i love this rem song because of the line "i just don't want you anymore... i don't wanna be with you anymore" it used to make me sad because i imagined g saying it to me but then i realized i feel that way about him! hmmm... interesting. one of my fave signs is "i don't know" or "i don't understand" i have the feeling i'm going to be using those alot. :o)
okay i won't be driving a u-haul home. it'd be about 1800 to do that! ha ha ha ha HA! well, time to find a plane ticket home i guess and start packing...
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-27 13:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	productive
Music:	Boomerang - Cirrus

how weird ... the parents are okay with it - mom said to make sure i'm not just leaving because things are hard. things can end up not going your way no matter where you go - that's what life is about, making the best of where you are. that gave me a lot to think about because i immediately began to wonder if that's what i'm doing. then i realized that it isn't. moving home would be the hard thing to do. okay, yes i am tired of taking care of grandpa. well, not so much tired of caring for him as i am tired of dealing with him, perhaps. i don't mind the cleaning and cooking, errands, restorations.... all of that on a daily basis. that aspect of it is fine. but i am tired of grandpa repeating himself, explaining elementary things to me, his noises and his smells, his lack of understanding with so many things, his stubbornness... that is what i'm tired of. i'm also tired of waking up at 2am to ask him to turn down the tv, tired of wearing earplugs to do my personal study or just to eat in the dining room because i don't want that debased stuff he watches rotting my brain... i told mom all of that and then i asked her, "what does that say about what kind of person i am?" people have been commending me for dropping everything to come take care of him, but do i really deserve commendation? i've only been here for 6 weeks and i am SO ready to leave.
here, so many things are easy, mostly financial things: i pay no rent, no utilities, no car payment, no car insurance, no groceries, nothing! but.... i also don't make a red cent. in order to have social services pay for what i do for grandpa, he needs to apply for another type of insurance. when he FINALLY called the social worker and had an application sent to him, he left the application sitting on the living room table for days, and finally when i attempted to fill it out, he asked me to lie on it.
yeah okay, love ya gramps, but i'm not going to jail for fraud. *SIGH*
so i put it on the table and told him i was not going to lie; he'd have to fill it out himself. it's still there, untouched. you know, it's funny - even after talking to the parents, i was willing to at least see if i could survive on the small amount social services would provide, but then he asked me to lie and that was that. now it sits there and will probably never be filled out and mailed and that's fine - whatever.
so if i go home, i'll have rent and food and car insurance and eventually other things to pay, but i'll be working and i prefer to take care of myself anyway. it boosts my self-esteem.
so, no i need to decide when to leave because i want to finish up school asap and i want so much to pioneer this fall. that's another thing: i will be joining the spanish cong. when i go back and i'm still so behind in spanish, so that will be a test of my faith. a different test than what i've gone through here, but a test nonetheless.
i do love grandpa and i want him to be well cared for but he's independent enough now that i leave only with some concern. i have talked to him for two days now about coming home with me - i told him that he could live in a clean, new home and i would still take care of him... he refuses telling me that he's just lived in cali too long. i suppose i understand... i think i offended him because he made sure to tell me that he's not THAT old yet.
man, i am SO beyond ready to go home... now i have to start packing up my stuff and think of the best way to get home... i thought of driving a uhaul pick-up home and i still might do that, but i don't know... it'd be okay to send most of my stuff by mail and just fly home, too. so i've basically had six weeks for my emotions to heal and i think i've healed quite nicely. beautifully done with minimal scarring. :o)
poor grandpa - reaping the life that he sowed....
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-25 15:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Madagascar - Art of Trance

so i talk to the parents in 12 minutes to find out what they think about me coming home for a few months until i get an apartment
i'm nervous
what if they think its a bad idea? awful, because i WANT to go home...
i'm in such a dancy hyper mood
where i am ever going to find a spiritual brother who loves techno and trance and will pop and lock with me for kicks?
hmmm i don't think he exists... a trance loving ministerial servant, that's what i need. maybe jehovah will specially make one for me. hahaha
i think i've had a little too much caffiene
i'm so excited about ASL service tomorrow! i guess i won't be taking any doors since i know only know a handful of signs...
better get ready to call the parents... at least my sis is okay with me sharing her room - actually it's technically still my room, so she'd better share!
lalalalalalala okay stop stalling...
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-25 00:34
Subject:	quiz city baby
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy
Music:	Looper - Mondo 77

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla




Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Date:	2003-02-25 00:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thankful
Music:	Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten

....
songs like this make me so grateful for the gift of hearing
i want to throw my arms out, concentrate, and gradually levitate from my chair
because the music floats me anyway
i drift away from my anxieties and think
it's all about this
words
and music
and having your soul touched
however briefly
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-24 23:05
Subject:	....
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Sigur Ros - sven-g-englar "Vanilla Sky" soundtrack

ok
wow
that was fast
my mood went from anxiously happy to
somber and thoughful
i am now wondering about that age old "soul mate" theory
if i have one
i wonder where he is
what color are his eyes?
does he like radiohead? :o)
and what he's doing at this moment?
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-24 22:37
Subject:	oh lah-dee-dah
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	Mondo 77 - Looper

okay, service all day and meeting at night - i should be little miss spiritual, but instead i'm feeling quite disconcerted re: moving back home. i miss everyone soooo much and i just can't shake it. i wish that we were back in the days of the israelites and i could just talk to a donkey or view a burning bush or say, "Jehovah, if you want me to go home, please set this house on fire. If you want me to stay, please turn the sky purple..." or something.... no wait. no i don't 'cuz i would've been stoned to death by now. nevermind that one
argh - how am i supposed to decide? my pros and cons list isn't helping neither are my friends - homesickness takes away my appetite, disturbs my sleep and chases away my smile.
how will i EVER serve where the need is great? man, get real. i'll never make it. i've only been here 6 weeks!
man C and J are funny! they both complain about each other but what they don't know... they're BOTH annoying.
LOL
that was funny. but they are!!! man! i'm glad it was a cargroup rather than a long road trip. i would've had to fling myself out of the car into oncoming traffic.
time to snack since i'll be up all night...
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-13 00:39
Subject:	glimmers
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	grandpa's gravelly voice

Felt a bit more positive today...
the meeting last night was great of course, but it was also fun to sit with Aunt H and hear her loud voice during the songs... she gave me the most AWESOME present today: a lovely floral storage box full of girly colored notebooks with matching pens! i was absolutely delighted. she also included a couple of journals - i was floored at her generosity.
funny moment: i said, "aunt H! you're so observant!" (because she said it was easy to know what to get me since i'm always writing. everyone laughed and i felt sorta like a dork, but hey... i guess i didnt' realize how often i'm sitting with my head in a notebook.
so school is nearly all set - im so excited. accelerated associate's degree then on to jr at university then perhaps i'll start work in my wonderful field. i'm so stoked at the idea of getting my master's before 30. how cool.
time to sneak cake before bed.... strange - today was a good day, but i also don't know why...
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-11 18:13
Subject:	why neartears?
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	"Hero" - Nickelback (only in my head)

strange...
i was feeling a bit down today. i'm not quite sure why - watching CNN with fam this morning was a bit surreal, but not as scary as it is for the rest of the world, i'm sure. i'll be going to the meeting alone tonight i think.. but i don't think those were the reasons why i was down...
uncle c and i stayed up till 5am talking - it was great. he told me so many old stories about him and dad...
sometimes i have this unexplainable sense of dread... after the meeting i think i'll make some lists.
sine`.

Date:	2003-02-10 22:15
Subject:	monday night in redwood city
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	ambient family noise

in cali and still breathing
this is the first time i can recall starting over and feeling the benefits so keenly.
everything is coming to climax now:
the divorce shall be final soon
the weight has really come off
the scarring is fading fast
my goals loom within my reach
i can really feel my hand getting ever closer to jehovah's
i can see myself with everything accomplished and behind me and that is such a joy - it makes me teary eyed everytime i picture it
i really never would have thought i'd come this far in this sort amount of time, but i also believe that anything is possible with whole hearted effort and Jehovah's blessing and direction. i know one thing most definitely: i will never, never, NEVER draw away from Jehovah again. i refuse to be ashamed of him, to bring reproach upon his name or organization, to be so careless with my relationship with him... i am so excited about my future and so eager for all of the tomorrows i hope i have...
i just love my family - auntie v is as awesome as always and i really think grandpa and i will have this closeness until he's no longer here - that fills me with a deep sense of satisfaction...
i miss my "new" congregation already! i've gotten so used to certain ones... C is a real nut - she's so sweet, but i finally realized what it was that bothered me - she's incredibly spoiled! but hey, she's a pioneer, so she'll learn...
off to bed and dreams and prayers, and yes still fighting tears sometimes
sine`.

i just long for home these days. familiarity most of all.

Date:	2002-11-22 03:05
Subject:	alone feels so familar
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Jevetta Steele - Calling You

i'm feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment, also feeling a bit sad and teary. craving chocolate and girlfriends and movies that proclaim that men are a waste of skin. i can make light of my angst but honestly i feel pretty sad. im falling into all of my old habits, trich, bruxism...i'm a walking ball of anxiety.
i want to go into detail but im too sad to type it all...
sine`.

Date:	2002-11-10 11:13
Subject:	everything is a-ok hombre!
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	Linkin Park - In the End

well well well! i was reading some of my old entries and man - scared myself. anyone who brings out that kind of anger in you is probably not a good person to be around, oui? creepy...
anyway, so i moved to the lone star state! yeehaw. i'm out of bama and even closer to california... so much has happened this year, but after my last few "rage" entries, i want to write something positive. i got the surgery and i am so glad that i did - i think i look great. so, i lost 65 pounds too. i am now "borderline". that's cool though, i'm mostly excited with clothes shopping, working out, running my miles without absolute exertion, etc. i also met some grand people and got a great job... of course there is crud of course, but i choose not to focus on that at the present time.
you know there are some good people out here. i'm close to two of them now. i'm also developing a sugar craving so i shall write more latah.
sine`.

i was beginning to worry about myself. well, here i am - moved, sliced, and newly single. how strange that i have had so much go on and no access to my vents....strange how i survived...

Date:	2002-08-19 21:59
Subject:	convo
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Bj?rk - Venus As A Boy (Anglo American Extention)

greg: the movie was late - this is not the first time we've had a late fee because of you, rainah
rainah: i know, i'm sorry about that - i should've gotten the extra night
greg: well, there will be consequences for your behavior
rainah: ok... like what?
greg: we'll discuss it later
and later...
rainah: the movie was really good. it was about.. (briefly describes plot}
greg: that reminds me...
rainah: i know, i'm sorry about it -
greg: well, i told you that there are consequences...
rainah: yes?
greg: i removed your name from MY account
rainah: (shocked) what?
greg: since you like being late, you can get your own account there, ok?
rainah: (stunned silence)

Date:	2002-08-18 13:00
Subject:	elsewhere
Security:	Public
Mood:	devious
Music:	Marilyn Monroe - I Wanna Be Loved By You

i - i've told some lies in my time, but geez. i even became hysterical and sobbed - i'd make such a good actress in an oliver stone flick. anyway, i'm back on - N is considering adding me to the lease if necessary and we're working on a plan b. now let's just hope the app. goes through okay.
since i didn't go to bed until 4 - i'm still groggy - time for coffee!
sine`.

Date:	2002-08-18 02:25
Subject:	and yet he walks the earth
Security:	Public
Mood:	enraged
Music:	Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy

his soul is shriveled and dead
waste of breath
is what he is

Date:	2002-08-18 02:17
Subject:	blackrage
Security:	Public
Mood:	infuriated
Music:	Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy

i am so angry i cant think
i am filled with an unctuous black ragethat fills me and oozes rather than seeps from the corners of my eyes
i dislike him so intensely
i do not wish him dead
i do not wish for him to suffer
i do not wish for him to be tortured

i am filled with a rage that is choking me
i am filled with a rage that clenches my teeth and narrows my eyes into evil slits

i am filled with a rage that is akin to bloodlust

Date:	2002-08-17 20:46
Subject:	convo
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

greg: the other day i asked you to charge the battery on the video camera - did you do it?
rain: oops, no i forgot, sorry.
greg: {deep sigh}
rain: im sorry, really, i just forgot
greg: rainah, do i overload you with responsibilities?
rain: um, i -
greg: do i ask you to do unreasonable things?!
rain: um, no, i guess not...
greg: is charging a battery a DIFFICULT thing to do, rainah?
rain: no, i guess not - look i just forgot -
greg: i think im a pretty reasonable person, rainah. i ask you to do a simple task and you can't or won't do it. why do you have to be like that?
rain: i'm sorry...
greg: {walks away}

Date:	2002-08-17 15:00
Subject:	didntwanttowake
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Charlotte Church - Pie Jesu

i am missing the "normal" me. the me that is grateful for life and health and smiles and music and cats. i feel so heavy.
my heart feels weighed down by anxiety and my eyes droop with listlessness. my spirit is too anchored to rise and float above common complaints as it used to be...
i was feeling very low last night - i was in a "hurt myself" mood and so I called M thinking that it would be better than waking up C and stressing her out. he told me to get in my car and come over @ 2am and i did so - drove all the way across town only to be stood up. niiiice. just what i needed to feel better. then i came home and illuminated in my headlights was the same little white cat that sneaks into the garage sometimes and eats Eve's food. little did the kitty know - i started leaving food and water for said kitty because he was impossibly skinny and often very weak. i was concerned about him, but he never let me get close enough to scoop him up, bathe him, and dote on him like i do with eve. yesterday, he was too weak to run when i came upon him lying in the garage. i left him food and water and even touched him - he meowed weakly and barely ate.
back to my headlights - i wondered why he chose to sleep in the driveway rather than one of eve's cozy spots in the garage. the car lights didn't wake him, neither did me getting out and slamming the car door. as i slowly walked closely, fearing the worst, the moonlight glared brightly off of his wide open eyes. he was dead. i felt faint and so incredibly sad that this poor animal had chosen to die in the place where he'd gotten some semblance of care. i started to shake and went inside to wake g @ 4am, who "took care of it". all i could repeat was that i felt so sorry for him... it seemed symbolic, eerie, a sign of things to come...
i wondered how long he'd been weak enough to die - perhaps he simply gave up today.
sine`.