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Transcending Race [19 September 04|11:21p] I am less Chinese than I want to be I wish I could speak better Cantonese To write it To perhaps teach my children one day But then at the same time I'm more Asian American than I ever wanted to be I'll never be viewed as "American" Not even my grandmother in Hong Kong thinks that But I don't let that faze me I am who I want to be Or at least I'm trying to be When I was 18, I learned injustice I took up the railroad workers' pain as my pain I took up the struggles of other Asians as my struggles Never realizing I should have fought the battles that were raging around me Instead, I forgot and found love or love for a while I saw only his smile his eyes, his height his family I adopted their ways- Irish bread, Christmas Santas Italian charms, German grandmothers Jewish holidays Then we broke up and for a while I missed them all All their vivacious traditions Who said Americans have no culture? Why do I call them Americans? I never feel like I'm like the people I see on TV I am Asian American I am Asian I am Chinese Today, I'm with another "white" guy, An American From the Midwest! And yet, somehow We have transcended race We are part of a new generation Asian females, white male couples Why are we not just considered the average American couple With all the traditions of both cultures Yet, can I really say my culture isn't American? I have tried to explain I have tried to teach To be born Chinese In America Means I'm American My nationality is not Chinese I'm ethnically Chinese But people do not understand To them, I am Asian American Asian Chinese 1 hello|greet me

Sometimes [05 February 04|3:31p] You know what I mean And sometimes I don't know what to say the words that mean what you hear Why can't I name you properly in my head? I force myself to say your name your name over and over and yet his name remains I want to say I hate him I don't want to go back Yet I can't conquer the name I think of your voice but I hear his laugh I'm haunted I want to be free What is wrong with trying to find some peace through another's dreams? We share everything But we differ sometimes and that difference is going to waver crack the heels divide the stream I don't want the gulf to get any bigger Tomorrow I say your name And your name only 3 hellos|greet me

Hot or not [27 January 04|5:16p] I received an invitation to writtenbeauty. I find the concept somewhat interesting. Be judged for your words AND your physical beauty. However, I don't want to be a part of it. I am cute. And if no one else sees that, I know they're wrong. It's about the self-esteem I already have, not what I can gain from your praise. I don't deny that people will judge others for their outward appearance. The one I love loves me for just that- my eyes, my imagination, my smile, my wit, my body, my brain. I am passionate about life, good food, good friends, art, writing and yes, the silly things too. I am a clothing and make up junkie. I know the power of the media and that was before I got a degree from a mass communications school. I still read fashion magazines and try not wince at the ribs stick out everywhere, the bony knees and of course, the people who tell you what is fashionable. I don't follow fashion in the same sense that I must buy the latest trucker hat or get sheepy boots immediately like everyone else. I mold the fashion to my taste. I pick the best of what's out there. And it becomes me, I become it and that is how it is going to be. So alas, I must decline your invitation. I don't have the right attitude for bullshit. greet me

[18 August 03|5:30p] In my head I can see myself dancing Step here Step there I am Girl A I introduced you to Girl B, C but not D You asked for her Letter She refused And inwardly, I wanted to hate you But I can't I am Girl A 4 hellos|greet me

*dusting this off* [30 July 03|12:30p] I've uploaded some new icons. Some are my paper arts stuff. The hand is just something I find funny. It's my coworker's hand. I wouldn't wear such big rings. Okay, I lie. I do wear some big rings. Hence the journal name change. I'm wearing a huge ass ring I got in HK years ago. It's studded with much amber. I'm going to try to write here at least weekly. I can't believe I haven't tried to write a poem since April. ... You cannot hide in the world of digital It follows you like that electronic eye at the pump at the ATM at the store and definitely at traffic lights You can't run and you can try to hide but one day, he'll find you And say hello causing much panic and chargrin But what do you know you want to be found anyway sld 7/30/03 3 hellos|greet me

This isn't real [30 April 03|4:08p] This isn't real That feeling of contentment That feeling of finally being able to hold hands again Of smiling at nothing and smiling at the simple little things Or at least I had it for a while And now it's gone Banished! This isn't real That wasted breath That cancelled check That is just not reality My perfect world does not have you in it It does not have this annoyance Or traffic congestion The blaring of the horns that wake me from this daze I'm looking back I'm looking forward I see nothing for now I see only myself Wondering just where the hell this is going Only because I'm orchestrating it Conducting the finest lie It could be over It should have been over There's that slight snag That I actually like you She said, "so, what?" There are many, many salmon in the sea I said, "Yes, but how many swim towards me?" ~unfinished 4/30/03 greet me

[06 March 03|12:23p] you said, want to take a side trip? i thought, why the hell not? give up the attitude and go for the ride it was nice not desparate no strange passions stirring us just perhaps a bit of boredom and suddenly i was younger than i ever was younger than i ever could have allowed myself i was experimental i was trying new things why didn't i try it 10 years ago? why am i trying to reclaim a youth that was mispent on too many questions and far too many idle dreams? greet me

[14 February 03|2:26p] on this day of pink and red and of chocolates and candy hearts i think of you and i don't know your name you're that guy i see in the elevator or the guy i wave at on the road you're the one i think of when i close my eyes and the dreams feature you you smile at me at the bookstore and serve me tea latte there's a bit of you in every guy i see greet me

[10 December 02|5:32p] baby, you don't even know how much i want to say that i love you but i don't really it's just one of those things i think you need to hear if not from me than from someone and i know it won't ever be me there are just too many things to prevent the future you want and you know it you see the dark side baby, you don't even know how much i want to say that i've moved on mentally at least but i can't say it because it'd just hurt and hurting you is not what it's about it's about life and me choosing to live mine instead of drowning in your pain baby, you don't even know how much i want to tell you that you're wonderful but i know you'd just take it the wrong way and think we're going to be together you know though, we can never be i see you looking i see you searching but what you need, i can't give you nor what's her name sld 12/10/02 for ecc <--- who turned out to be a frikkin looser. so, i dedicate this back to myself. ack! greet me

[21 November 02|12:02p] it's an inverted summer should be a season of browns reds, orange and dead trees instead, everyone is wearing baby pink and blue shorts and sandals yet it gets dark at 4 p.m. our world is changing and we can't stop the process some might like this heat but it only worries me will the sky turn red? will the oceans dry? will our fish walk out and become our friends? it is a science fiction writer's nightmare. if fantasy becomes reality will the past become the outlandish? 2 hellos|greet me

[31 October 02|3:50p] it's been such a long time. the poetry never ends in my head i hear a line or two i write it down in my head and when i need it, it does not come yet, i know it was beautiful and please understand, if you heard it you'll like it too. hah, i amuse myself greatly. i love sometimes just writing really awful, awful poetry. greet me

[31 October 02|3:44p] the lame shall take over the world everywhere there will be a starbucks a barnes and noble and a gap i can't drink coffee without a pedigree i can't read a book without a chirpy review from an employee on the shelves nor can i buy clothes that fit my non-skinny body no grand non-fat venti what the hell squirting soymilk in your eye where is the real? where is the time you thought we would have? somewhere it's lost without notice you can't cure the mundane you can't hide it with glitter or ignore it it just grows like poison ivy itching everyone to jump like nervous rabbits at least there's some decent people who are not taken by the sheep and wear what they want to wear drink tea and don't need anger management classes greet me

[16 September 02|9:37a] i've been in denial i didn't want to write anything not for a while but the words keep pressing in and driving me to say them at least in my mind and the resulting audible scream cannot be contained greet me

hmm [31 July 02|1:04p] i haven't loged into this journal in a while. i got a msg saying the password was too easy to guess? no, it's not. bleh. ... now, onto poetry. ... when i was 10 or so i loved eating lychees i had always had the canned kind but never experienced the fresh i visited my great-grandparents they had a grove of lychee trees i ate so many, i became sick i could barely eat any the last few years then the fresh kind came to the states and they weren't that good dad said it was because they were from taiwan and not from my great-grandmother's trees ah, until last night i had some they were so sweet sweeter than i could imagine and definitely something i wanted to share biting into that sugared globe made me want someone and you came to mind of course, that you is noone really just a thought, more misty than not i saw a ghost picture and thought could it be? i didn't think i died yet. and i hope she does not pass soon greet me

[27 June 02|4:54p] i have the oddest sensation i know i'm seeing the past as if i never lived it what does deja vu really mean seeing the future as if it happened or seeing the past like a dream? greet me

[27 June 02|4:49p] i ran outside staring at the oncoming traffic i was in the car suddenly my view of the dream swung back to inside myself i could feel everything you felt and justified your reasoning i can only remember your eyes now the faint lines that showed when you smile i know everything about you and i know nothing about myself or was it just an useless hope to think i can loose myself in the middle of nowhere can i run off to london town can you go with me? i have a passport and you said yes greet me

no more [24 June 02|11:04a] i can't take it anymore closed that door and don't want to go in again again and again it's over so over but i keep thinking will you hurt her? why do i even care? where is this jazz music coming from? and yet it fits my mood so slow and bluesy like that time in the rain like some damn movie over the weekend the words bounced rolled and moved around in my head i had been getting so used to them occupying space and then suddenly they were gone i had to will them forth to remind myself of what i didn't want of what i had of what i don't ever want again i know i messed up and blue sky ran away well, not intentionally but all the same he is not here and when he does come back and hopefully, he will i can make ammends i can spin anything i will make it work if i am not so tired i said i didn't think so but i know i was just icing my heart i didn't want the numbness to wear off i didn't think anything could be so a foregone conclusion and yet today, we flirted first time ever and it felt good that's what i want to be again sane and happy and not so miserable you make me smile you really do and then you make me think and we talk like i've never talked with anyone more than friends would because we are so intimate and yet, we hardly have ever touched 5 weeks and you'll be home and maybe i'll give you a real hug and won't run away not from you but my thoughts my horrible, pressing thoughts of need, want, desire of time, future, things of you of me of everything greet me

happy ex-anniversary [11 June 02|11:27a] bye-bye no more songs for us not that we ever had "a song." i wrote you a letter one that you didn't answer i don't know why i expected you to i know you would have meant to then forgot and then the days will drag on and then it'll be useless to continue and so, more hurt misunderstandings ensue but they will be swallowed away by someone new it seems to me that i have stopped stopped thinking of you stopped, i thought but i needed that one last bit of closure and it's not here and so on it goes waiting endlessly for a reply in a month, it'll be our anniversary or rather, our ex-anniversary happy ex-anniversary 4 hellos|greet me

[24 April 02|11:00a] gone are the pictures at least the ones that were on my desk i don't know what to do about the albums years worth of happy memories i could burn them but i'm afraid of the toxins and so they will gather dust on the shelves never to be thought about or rather, never to be opened i can always hide the white rabbit i can always throw away the paper bits the old cards written with the loving hand i was so deceived greet me

[24 April 02|10:57a] i don't understand the words come but not enough to take hand to keyboard and so they go away but the thoughts remain i don't want to give in though you can't say that poetry comes from my pain because i think it's mostly anger driven i don't feel anymore the old sentences and feelings are so walled up that i only see glimpses of the past like an forgotten cinema reel playing in the half-dark i've been trying to convince myself that it was worth it of course, it's delusion everything is just trickery there goes that anger again but no, i'm tired so tired of all of this and i'm only 26 can i look forward to more years of this this unmovable source of my punishment for being that ever hopeful cynical romantic i want to write i really do the block is just mental and so it spills like old wine lord, i'm so tired. greet me

now [05 March 02|3:25p] when i looked you weren't there and suddenly, i didn't mind gone is that feeling of abandonment maybe it's no longer just about me and i realize that time and space is best for now i woke up and expected to be the same but i'm different changed, older, not necessarily wiser but more understanding yet, we can't be friends for a while i'm still cynical after all hope for a new love might change that or hide it break that emergency glass case when the time comes greet me

should have [06 February 02|2:17p] i should have listened when you said you didn't feel the same anymore i should have listened to what you were saying instead of clouding my mind with thoughts that all bad things will go away what a fool i am i said i wasn't writing much poetry these days and you said all of it came from pain my pain i guess i'll be writing more now greet me

[24 January 02|3:24p] how can things change so much in three weeks? one minute it's "the next step" the next is, "i need some time" damn men! 1 hello|greet me

[24 January 02|3:23p] love is blind i didn't think you were like other men but you're acting somewhat typically selfishly and hurting me you said you waited and waited to tell me you didn't want to see me cry but how could i not? you never liked to see me cry but you had to to get away and i should let you go but i can't i've invested so much and you're an essential part of me much like i hoped i was to you some say to be stoic he'll come back when he's ready but can i wait? i don't want to but i should i need to but how long? it's unknowable greet me

huh [24 January 02|2:31p] i never thought i would be writing sad poetry again i thought i found a good person to be with someone who wouldn't hurt me i was wrong why am i always wrong? i've cried and cried can't cry anymore and then the tears leak anyway my contacts are scratched and itchy i think i should blink and it'll be some sort of reality i can understand but the bubble has been burst and nothing can make the soap soapy again greet me

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