My hotel in Cleveland was next to a Sign store. Knowing that I would be in NYC a couple days later, I got to thinking, “Today Show or bust!” So I got a really nice looking professional banner -- red, white and blue, that said "Dave Barry for President", and the slogan, “(your political beliefs here)”, just below it.
Friday morning, I headed for the outdoor crowd at the Today Show. There is a fenced in area where fans are permitted in after going thru a minor security check which involved wanding me, presumably, for firearms, etc. and then they ask to see my banner. The exchange went like this:
NBC Security: Let me wand you real quick.
Ted: Sure, no problem. Do you want me to take my shoes off?
NS: (smiling) no that’s not necessary, but we’ll need to see your banner.
Ted: (complyingly unfurls banner—6’by 2’, a serious banner!) Here we go.
NS: Not sure we can let you in with that.
Ted: You have got to be kidding. What’s the problem?
NS: This is political. We check the banners to make sure they are ok with NBC. Just a few minutes ago we turned down a “Yankees Suck” banner.
Ted: Yeah, that’s tasteless. Good call, but this isn’t political. Dave Barry is a humorist. It’s a joke.
NS: But he’s running for president.
Ted: Yes, as a joke. Remember Pat Paulson? Dave’s been running since 1992. It’s a joke. Definitely not political.
NS: You can talk to my supervisor if you want.
Ted: Sure. (super is summoned by radio and arrives shortly)
NS: This guy wants to take this banner in there. He says it’s a joke, and not political.
Supervisor: I don’t get it.
Ted: It’s a joke. Dave Barry is a humorist and runs for president every four years. He’s been on the Today Show and even talked about his campaign on the air.
Supervisor: Sure looks political to me.
Ted: (I reach into brief case and produce an actual photo of Al Roker holding a Dave Barry for President bumper sticker in one hand and giving the thumbs up in the other.) Here, look, even Al Roker approves. Check out this picture. He’s even giving the thumbs up! He gets it.
Supervisor (thinking): What if someone bigger than Al Roker has a problem with it?
Ted: Someone bigger than Al Roker?
Supervisor: You know what I’m talking about. I mean some NBC boss.
Ted: They’ll get it. It’s a joke.
Supervisor: I can't assume what they'll think. Sorry, but I can’t let you in with it.... That’s a well made sign... THAT's a joke? It’s political as far as we are concerned. Sorry but I can’t let you in with it.
Ted: We’re organized. You might say it’s an organized joke.
Supervisor: If I let that thru, what’s next, the Dean people?
Ted: No probs, sir. Thanks anyway. I’ll go make a “I love you mom, John 3:16” banner.
Okay, so maybe I am not a total expert, but I did work in a mill (a molding mill, to be precise) for three months, and I heard the sound of a Hyster (R)(TM)(C) backing up a whole lot every day. Now, I didn't go crazy over it, although I know some people who did. I just got really used to it, to the point where I didn't really even listen to it anymore. I knew what the noise was, I knew what it meant, so it didn't need conscious brain power anymore for me. For anyone who doesn't know what a Hyster backing up sounds like, it sounds like a high pitched beeping, perhaps like the alarm clock from Hell. So while I can't say anything about slaughterhouses, per se, I can say that beeping wasn't nearly as bad as music. My brain can't disconnect itself from music very well, and I wouldn't be wearing ear plugs, so I can say that I am sorry for all those who are driven slightly bonkers by the same songs over and over. -- Annette Goeres
When I was young and strong I took a job at the local Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Time Theatre. I laugh when I read of wispy Europeans who can equate listening to Christmas music as psychological torture. "Hah!" I say. "What do they know of REAL pain?" And then I turn out the lights to wallow in the memories of hordes of screaming children in full throat yet still unable to drown out the noise of the pinball and skee-ball machines. No matter how loudly the children puke and pee in the ball cage, I still must listen to the six-foot tall mechanical, gold-Vegas-suit-wearing Elvis Dog belt out his entire catalog of five - and only five - of the King's most popular hits. That dog will turn on, without apparent help from anyone, and sing though his catalog roughly 16 times in a given eight-hour period, the bastard. And then there is the stage show in the Main Dining Room. Lord help me, it really is possible to hear "Hiiii, kiiiids! [whir. click.] Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!" too often in a single lifetime.
And yet, I survived. Even when wearing the giant purple rat suit and scaring four-year old birthday guests, I survived. Some spineless Belgian (or whomever) can't even listen to Christmas songs for a couple of months without freaking out.
Europeans. No wonder they folded so easily under Hitler.
This horrible monologue brought to you by
Cameron "Too Much Time On My Hands Today" Wood
"The Wispy Europeans" would be a good name for a bad rock band. posted by Dave 1:11 PM
(Is it just this blog, or does "The Jetskis" sound like the name of an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon series about a Polish family living in the future? No? OK.) posted by Dave 12:47 PM
"Wal-Mart is the New America ... united we stand, 24 hours a day, consume, consume, consume," said James Kubie, a sophomore from Dunwoody and an organizer of the performance.
. . .
The group documented their performance with photographs, video tape and audio recordings, and will put material on a Web Site for their final grade.
I had a long look at Hair in a Frame and finally decided to purchase a few tufts for a very unique hair piece. I noticed that I can enter a quantity of 10.000 for each strand. So, if I entered 10,000 on one order for Abe Lincoln hair (for the bargain price of only 15 million Dollars) I can make a tenth of a head Lincoln hair piece. But calculations showed I needed at least ten times that much hair for a full piece. (Money is no object here.) Do you think they will have that much hair? Now, if I ordered Ronald Reagan hair (at only $595.00), I can place many orders because he is still producing. I'll let you know how I get on. -- Chris Lourens
We're sure they have a warehouse full of Lincoln hair. posted by Dave 10:09 AM
We're all quoting the 'psycho-terrorism' report at our major department store. We have apparently ONE christmas tape. One!!! Despite the fact that our store has produced a charity christmas album for the past four (five?) years with contemporary pop artists, we're being subjected to the same goddamn music tape, which repeats roughly every 1.5 hours. On a 12 hour day, you can imagine the bleeding ear torture of it all.
Besides, the whole tape is 1950s era christmas tunes. Don't get me wrong, I have a huge collection of jazz from that era, but these two songs in particular really annoy the crap out of the staff:
-- "Im getting married/nothing for Christmas" - sung in a sing-song whine by the woman, can't find the links to the lyrics, but its a really pre-feminist bunch of crap.
On top of the endlessly repeating xmas tape (all snow and winter and so on in the middle of summer for we Australians) we have the extra bonus - rude customers. Customers who think nothing of shoving other people aside, huffing and sighing whilst waiting to be served, interrupting me whilst Im talking to someone, and asking for free samples (and getting snarky if they don't get them).
I'm on my feet all day, for crap rates, walking up to eight kilometres in a day, with 45 minutes in total break in which to sit down. If you're wondering why the sales assistant is cranky, its because we are numbed by the muzak, we need a drink/break, and our feet hurt so badly that we can barely stand by the end of the day.
On the Hooter's Air website, they had a 'Top Ten' reasons why you should fly their airline. It was mainly marketing mumbo jumbo, and it didn't state the obvious Number One reason: 1) In the unlikely event of a water landing, the flight attendants can be used as flotation devices -- Jeff Kyser
