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John Kass
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Recent columns
October 2, 2003
That big lug on the couch is science in action
It's obvious that sociologists have wasted millions of dollars on goofy research with conclusions such as "too much butter on popcorn at the movies makes you fat" and "cell phones cause stress" and so on.
October 1, 2003
Political games are unseemly in CIA leak case
As President Bush visited Chicago on Tuesday, a respected senior Republican made a startling announcement about the latest Washington scandal.
September 28, 2003
Duff indictments a story you can sink teeth into
When the friends of the mayor of Chicago--friends from a family with connections to the Chicago Outfit--are about to be indicted by a federal grand jury in a $100 million affirmative-action contract fraud scheme, word gets around fast.
September 26, 2003
Daley anti-crime message doesn't apply to Duffs
A few hours after his good pals, the Duffs, were indicted by a federal grand jury for defrauding city taxpayers out of more than $100 million--Mayor Richard Daley made like a comedian.
September 25, 2003
Parents, learn from court scene of abuser, boy
It's probably safe to say that little kids aren't regular readers of this column. But please don't let them read this.
September 24, 2003
Hearts cut out by team showing little of its own
Judging by the number of games we've seen in person at Sox Park, my cousin George and I aren't the best White Sox fans around. In the last four years the Sox have played about 320 games at home, and we've probably missed about 50 of them.
September 21, 2003
Road not taken could have been Bush's easy out
Just before war started in Iraq, a talking head was on one of those TV panel shows where they yell at each other, but this one wasn't yelling, and what he said made sense.
September 19, 2003
Lovable slug is family pet, not appetizer
Many stubborn pet-loving readers keep insisting that I get a pet for my petless kids, even though these pet lovers can't answer that age-old question: The kids promise they'll take care of it, so why is it that, a few days later, the parents end up with a scoop shovel in the back yard?
September 14, 2003
Jackson standing grand, but Daley packing 1-2 punch
I'm flabbergasted by all the unfair criticism being hurled at Jesse Jackson. And if nobody else is going to stand up for the reverend, then I will.
September 12, 2003
Unlike his many victims, hit man dies quiet death
The tiny old man had lived into his 90s. Even when he was alive, he was barely 5 feet tall, and when I saw him in his coffin, he looked tinier still.
September 11, 2003
Let's not forget we promised to remember
If you can't abide another reference to Sept. 11, if you're sick and tired of the subject, you'll probably want to do what is natural.
September 10, 2003
Got it all: Wife, kids and house with plastic owls
The other evening, I was sitting out on the porch, reflecting on the latest chapter of the Big Pet Discussion at my house, where I was informed that children with pets are good children because they care for living things.
September 7, 2003
Fitzgerald sticks with an outsider for U.S. attorney
On Monday, in the far southern tip of this politically corrupt state, a new federal prosecutor will be named to fill the job of U.S. attorney of the Southern District of Illinois.
September 5, 2003
Kruesi is saying he's sorry all the way to bank
When you think of someone who is ruthless, manipulative and a darn good smirker, you might think of Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons."
September 4, 2003
Pollard has no business seeing spy file, daylight
The campaign to release an American traitor--Jonathan Pollard, who spied for Israel--from his sentence of life in prison continued again this week in a Washington courtroom.
September 3, 2003
Month of anxiety is prognosis for Sox, Cubs fans
And now, an urgent news flash:
August 31, 2003
Killer can't bury justice in death of shoemaker
You wouldn't want to meet him, especially if you had something he wanted.
August 29, 2003
Biscuit-brained dad takes heat for movie gaffe
Today, readers weigh in on the little boy at the ballgame, the father, "Seabiscuit," Jerry, and the jockey and the prostitute in the Mexican whorehouse.
August 28, 2003
Seattle's scandals are just limp latte next to Chicago's
The poor people of Seattle are worried they've been infected with a Chicago illness.
August 27, 2003
In 'Seabiscuit,' all bets off when lady lost shirt
A little boy and his dad were at the White Sox game this weekend, when the boy tapped the shoulder of the man in front of him to ask a question.
August 15, 2003
Man in power keeps his cool during blackout
Though his city was suddenly without electric power, with people stuck in frozen elevators and subways, with masses clogging the roads to walk hot pavement in August, this mayor did something strange.
August 14, 2003
Political game is all an act, even for the actors
I've noticed a troubling new prejudice toward actors who refuse to offer unequivocal views in the race for governor of California.
August 13, 2003
ESPN ad sells something kids don't need
When you watch a TV commercial containing sex and violence, here's what happens to your brain, according to a new study by research psychologists.
August 10, 2003
Ay, Chihuahua! Cujo's got nothin' on these lap dogs
Surely you've heard that ridiculous pro-Chihuahua story out of New York.
August 8, 2003
While California faces total recall, we're tongue-tied
A friend remarked that she's glad she doesn't live in California, where Hollywood actor-muscleman Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor as a Republican.
August 7, 2003
Judge blows call, and Sox park hooligan walks
William Ligue Jr. thanked Judge Leo Holt on Wednesday for saving him from a prison cell, even though he'd given a beating to a Major League Baseball coach before thousands of people.
August 6, 2003
DNA test could have Outfit guys grinding teeth
Discovering a human tooth in Bridgeport is like finding a seashell at the seashore: Find a seashell, and chances are that you're at the beach.
August 3, 2003
Kids just get no respect in mom, pop store
As someone who grew up in a small family business, working with parents, aunts and uncles, brothers and cousins, I'm fascinated by stupid government regulations.
August 1, 2003
Let's hope Sox don't get buried during FBI dig
We long-suffering White Sox fans should be excited and thrilled about how the team has been playing lately.
July 31, 2003
The buck stops at Bush late in the blame game
Long after members of his administration walked the plank on his behalf, President George Bush finally decided to do the right thing.
July 30, 2003
FBI digs not just for body, but for mob secrets too
When the FBI began carefully digging on the edge of the parking lot at White Sox park on Tuesday, they were looking for:
July 27, 2003
Needling readers offer up insights to poke columnist
Today, readers get the chance to infuriate me, for a change.
July 25, 2003
Brutal evidence needed to prove brutal men died
My friend Gil was born in Baghdad and fled Saddam Hussein's regime years ago, making a new life here.
July 24, 2003
`Big Boss Man' can't keep blind musician down
Mike Perry, veteran panhandler and blind harmonica player, stood on his North Michigan Avenue corner on Wednesday, ready to sing about his feud with City Hall.
July 23, 2003
A force older than City Hall aids blind man
After I told Mike Perry the good news, he rearranged his schedule to show up at City Hall around noon on Wednesday.
July 20, 2003
On stormy day in city, kindness is no stranger
A young woman ran to catch the Brown Line train at Clark and Lake Streets during that heavy pounding thunderstorm last week.
July 18, 2003
Blind man can't even sing blues in City Hall feud
I was prejudiced against white guy musicians playing the blues for a living.
July 17, 2003
Nose didn't run-- it was stolen in literary caper
A very big nose, about three feet long and weighing more than 200 pounds and made of marble, was found in an apartment almost a year after it had been stolen in St. Petersburg, Russian officials sheepishly admitted this week.
July 16, 2003
U.S. attorney's departure good news for some
Amiel Cueto, the imprisoned, yet soon-to-be-released southern Illinois political boss, recently received a coming-out present.
July 13, 2003
In your private corner of world, thoughts rule
In the magazines and in the travel sections of the Sunday paper, you can often see those great landscapes, places for serious thinking alone, places large enough to let your mind loose in them.
July 11, 2003
A thick skin is key to baseball, sausage racing
A sausage mascot of European extraction--an innocent Italian sausage--was recently struck at a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game.
July 10, 2003
Action figure can help Barbie get a mortgage
We were having soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, and I grabbed a tabloid and read a story to the boys:
July 9, 2003
Tale of murder and the mob has a new twist
When the leaders of the Chicago Outfit decide to kill a top street boss, do they quietly recruit a low-level drug addict?
July 4, 2003
12-inch softball an all-star insult to 16-inch legends
The lords of baseball pretend to care about tradition and history. But when the major leagues present the All-Star Game at Sox Park on July 15, they might as well just slap the city of Chicago, and all the sports fans in it, right in the mouth.
June 27, 2003
Son of the victim, family of accused view trial in pain
Charles Dixon has given pain to his mother since he was a boy, but even now, on trial for murder in the killing of a gentle Rogers Park shoemaker, she and other members of Dixon's family are with him, every day.
June 26, 2003
Shoemaker's last words come alive in court
The shoemaker's widow took the witness stand Wednesday in the trial of Charles Dixon, accused of using a wooden stick to beat the shoemaker to death in a robbery.
June 25, 2003
Hateful slaying of shoemaker comes to trial
The old shoemaker was the son of a rabbi, not the son of a gangster. He was gentle, not tough.
March 21, 2003
War debates, protests sound hollow right now
The war was on TV, and the explosions bloomed in Baghdad with smoke rising.
March 20, 2003
Don't forget war was launched on Sept. 11, 2001
The world didn't change on that morning of Sept. 11. It was always a dangerous place, full of threats and worse. We didn't believe it.
January 5, 2003
Great minds don't fib; there's wisdom in dibs
My dear potential voters, as your favorite candidate for mayor of Chicago, it's about time I announce something:
November 13, 2002
Rosemont puts Seinfeld fans in a bad mood
Chicagoan Tom Leach loves the work of comedian Jerry Seinfeld. He never misses reruns of the TV show.
September 25, 2002
Jackson takes film criticism to level never seen
I'd better take my wife to see the new hit movie "Barbershop," before Rev. Jesse Jackson makes it impossible to get a ticket.
September 17, 2002
Contract of trust binds journalists and our readers
I didn't want to write this column today, about my former colleague Bob Greene and the sex scandal that led to his resignation from the Chicago Tribune.
September 12, 2002
Firefighters cap toughest year with more giving
At dawn the people of Staten Island began to show up at the edge of the water, on a small observation point jutting out over the bay.
September 11, 2002
Rubble carted away, but faith sustains church
The earth was sandy and moist as we walked in the shade, on the edge of ground zero, where the little white church once stood under the giant towers of the World Trade Center.
June 10, 2002
There's beer-can chicken, and then there's Kass'™
Many of you have written my editors to complain that my brain is small and weak. And now I can finally prove it.
April 22, 2002
Tough Duffs lose points for style at lunch meeting
To Joey A, also known as Joe "The Builder" Andriacchi.
February 21, 2002
Men on thin ice when they knock figure skating
American men, as most women know, are absolute sniveling cowards, fraidy-cats and chickens.
February 4, 2002
Judge Dibs rules on chest-butting issue of our times
Hear ye! My good people! Hear ye!
January 31, 2002
Time to put out chairs, tell world to go shovel it
Jeff the bartender hates weather stories. So he watched TV coverage of the impending snowstorm in disgust.
Copyright © 2003, Chicago Tribune
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