Consequences of Excessive Masturbation
Clearly not an excuse to sell herbal supplements.
The Gender Genie uses complicated algorithms (well, I assume they're complicated. Not knowing a vast amount about algorithms, they could be really easy ones) to predict your gender based on your writing.
It transpires that I'm male, except when I write articles for tabloids. Quite why, I have no idea.
Thanks to Mil for the link.
Shag twice a week (no more, no less) to prevent colds, says new research
So, Christmas approaches, and with it the usual glut of 'How to have the sexiest Christmas ever' features. I love writing that kind of stuff, because:
a) I love Christmas
b) It's fun trying to put a seasonal twist on standard sex tips.
c) There's a certain cheesy pleasure in coming up with numerous alliterative ways to convey sex and Christmas; seasonal sensuality, naughty noel, kinky Crimbo (yep, OK, that one's hideous) and all the rest of it.
I've just been working on a 'Sexy Christmas gift guide' piece, so decided to mail a request out through Response Source - a kind of PR network for journos - asking for details of any new products that could be suitable.
At times like this, I remember why it is that I feel the need to introduce PR friends of mine as 'This is 'blah' - they work in PR but they're really bright.' (No, really, I'm not PR-ist, I've got several friends who are PRs) So far, I've had the following suggestions from PRs for sexy gifts.
- A fridge
- A Basil Brush video
- A light oven
- A personal paper-shredder
- A shower cap
- Postal orders
In what world are these things sexy?
Most worringly of all was the PR who sent me details of their chocolate treats for dogs. I was tempted to ask whether her client realised that she was promoting the product as an aid to sexy nights in with your pet but thought that it would probaby confuse her.
Once I've weeded out the dross and finished that feature, next up is one on making male sexual fantasies come true. Only problems are that I'm not allowed to mention threesomes or anal in the piece, as both are considered 'too rude', and I've got to come up with 'original, never been said before' sex advice.
Most of the time, if something's never been said before, there's a damned good reason. I mean, there are only so many ways that parts of the body can rub together, and only so many sexy ways to communicate what you want in the sack - or wherever. Still, it's fun having a challenge and there's always way more of a sense of satisfaction when you manage to think of something that's just creative enough to be original, without breaking any laws (including gravity).
Writing aside, I've been juggling the usual combination of drinking to excess and getting mild colds as a result of trying to party as hard as I did when I was 21. It's a mistake. I pine for the days when I could drink without getting a hangover. Now, I get hangovers mid-way through evenings. And not even particularly heavy evenings at that. Am becoming increasingly tempted to tune the radio in to Radio Four and admit that actually, I prefer having friends over to dinner (I still can't quite call it a dinner party - it's too horribly Hampstead 'must talk about mortgages') to spending a night out clubbing.
Of course, the advantage of getting mild colds is that I've had time to read. Just finished A Certain Chemistry by Mil Millington which contains the funniest masturbation scene since Portnoy's Complain, while also containing shed-loads of info on the real reasons that people fall in love - namely, chemicals. Well worth a read.
Anyway, enough wittering. Back to wading through emails from PRs insisting that a sandwich toaster is the sexiest gift ever...
