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Monday, March 18th, 2002
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11:32 pm - forevermore and the Blade of Old
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my mind is elsewhere
my heart is in my carry-on.
my friends are inside.
and my dreams are just beyond the horizon.
just 1,401.62 miles away.
467.2 leagues.
7,400,553.6 feet away from the third age.
the age of newness.
the age unwritten.
the age unknown.
the age looked for.
this is the Gift signing out.
the Gift turning in.
siatal the warrior of heart.
wielding the Blade of Old,
forged in the ages before the first.
passed on with all its pain and glory.
with all its power and burden.
none of the heart can withstand the combination.
a blade forged from the most desired.
and a heart that is the gift.
passion flames the blade and love is all in the heart.
forsake not the one who loves,
it was love that was first and love that shall be forever more.
and love stands in valour and strength.
do not stand between her and her child.
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7:39 pm - of the race of men (excerpts from the mobile journal)
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so this is the outdated update. the outside of the inside. too bad for the lack of hours in my days. but alas there is one good thing of all this:
the drama has slowed to a crawl and im beginning to enjoy this rest. be it the passing of the storm or just that ive found rest in its eye, the latter being more likely to be true, i shall certainly prop my feet up and rest a spell. all i need now is good ale and better company.
my vie with uncle sugar has faded to grey for this moment. the red ive always felt has slowly and consciously been abated. it is simply the realization that it is patience and tolerance needed at this hour of the battle and not the emotions of the children. and though red may have conquered armies at one time, the wise act in wisdom. in dealing with children you must come to understand and predict their moments to achieve your point, purpose and desires.
the blue has subdued and im refracting all my colors towards hope. for it is only three calendar months till i pass from under this kingdoms rule and fulfill my vow. and it has been a most enlightening experience. to still hold true to a system that publically speaks against the lifestyle that was chosen for me before i was. never shall i be able to properly convey this feeling.
somewhat ironic to pass from the rule of the southern baptists to that of a similar tyrannical kingdom. shant i ever be free? perhaps it was the opposition i needed to bring me out, or better said out and proud. be it only two and one half years of being out, i feel as i can wield my sword with the best of them. wisdom does not always ride with the stallions of age. many times she comes in the swift dark battles and there, those who stand amongst the victor grasp her banner as their own. though the battle may not be over, we certainly ride side to side.
my role has been that of greatness, i just hope the casting has been of the same.
i perceive the most taxing of lessons would be to share tables with those that would despise me if they were to know of my sexuality. that their society adopted hatred would most certainly be given to me in a colorful cloaken form. this i would don beyond my will and to appease their restless sleep. it is much easier to judge antother than ones self.
and for these people i have set a place at my hearts table, am i not the fool?
these days ticking.
i have been mentally packing my emotions in preparation for the beginning of the third age. in which i shall lay my head on the westmost edge of this land. i am anxious. and am trying to keep everything here so as not to miss anything, anyone, any lesson.
i will certainly miss most of you. some of you i hope not to see again. and in this absence, my intentions are not to be forgotten but to be missed ere so.
if our roads ever merge again, this i would be throughly glad. the time together will not be forsaken.
and from here i sign out, blessed eve.
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| Sunday, March 17th, 2002
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10:16 pm - long days at the nazi camp
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it is me. and i never really left. its just been 12 hour days and sleep inbetween. not even enough time to keep up with your journals. for those curious i ended up losing a stripe, 30 days of extra duty and forfeiture of 1 bill for two months. not too bad i guess.
so i am here just not much happening but work. i shall return soon and regularly. friday is my last day of these long hours.
i was just reading through the past here and also reading my book. funny how lessons we learn seem so distant as time passes on. i shant hope to go through any of those again.
but i must sleep near and dear ones to my heart. keep me in your thoughts and forget me naught in yours. save me the good chair. you know the one right next to you. madd love and passion.
current mood:  calm
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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8:48 pm - treading quicksand
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loss of heart.
loss of defense.
loss of belief.
1-2-3
cheer up dear heart, your treading in quicksand.
and its odds of 3 against half of one.
triangle dodgeball.
but we're playing with 12 gauge bullets instead of balls.
and ive already caught a limp.
nothing seems fair,
and perhaps thats factual and far from feeling.
its so lonely on this hardwood judging floor.
so cold.
so me.
1-2-3
no jury.
just stares.
no evidence.
just blame.
no defense.
just judgments.
not a place for mistakes.
just room to glare.
'its me, its me, its me o'Lord
standing in the need of prayer.'
current music: pedro the lion - helicopter
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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8:48 pm
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8:20 pm - the scarlet wadrobe
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the mercy of the court. the glare of many passing judges, the scarlet letter and the unimportant details. its a joke. its a yoke. its everything thats not and most of what it shouldnt be. but this is me in the center of a court room surrounded by uncountable eyes. yet im still asking someone to stand up and defend me. perhaps i can feed off of their guilt? if not i will certainly make them choose their side.
and please tell me, do grown men really cry?
there are many things i dont really understand. and many things i dont do. but today all i wanted was it to be ok to cry. it twasnt. as i left the big bad building the clouds of compassion did it all for me. big sloppy tears of beaut. all for me. all out in the open. it is more than ok for a man to cry.
this simple life that will never quite make those specifications. because every waking moment is not left to peace. the ever-ending drama-ride. and whats worse i cant find a place to set my drink. the drama-mama with her drama lamas. (told you i could never rhyme)
i dont know where im going w/ all this tonight. ive exhausted my supply of energy in emotions today. i think sleep will meet me well. for those of you curious i see the big bad commander on friday. today he gave me the maximum allowable punishment for my crime: 60 days restricted, 45 days extra duty, 30 days confinement, 2 months forfeiture of half my pay and last but most certainly far from least, reduction to E-1. (i am an E-4) big stuff there. will keep everyone posted. my apologies for the madd disconnection, theres just never a dull moment in this parade. love and passion where applicable.
current music: depeche mode - enjoy the silence
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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1:54 pm - right face, wrong time
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two hearts that meet. too much inbetween. its all in the timing. its all in the heart. mayhaps another day, another place? but this one will never work. i will love you mostly. i will think of you often. i will hold you dearly. this i'll not have the chance to convey.
just a necessary step to save the whole. because you can only break something so many times before its original shape is lost in the shards. i love you most lil, please take your steps.
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6:29 am - written off the heart
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theres not much room for you here. theres all and apathy. and if i stopped coming over, youd never check up. the weird jerk. the awkward exit. the heart that feels too much. and the place that just isnt right. the friends that stand behind our pain. and your face that forever reminds me of everything youve done.
its over. its done. it meant as much to you as our friendship means to me. and this morn im demanding a refund. or at least writing it all off. because i may be strong, but this i refuse to deal w/. this i refuse to see.
after all its my heart im looking out for. the very heart you care not for.
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| Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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1:15 pm - jigga what?
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the search for the soul, better known as the soul search. of which it is a bottomless cookie jar. not always filled with the ones we like, mind you. and these days seem to be of both sort. this new year which seems to be getting not so new all too soon.
but this is time's purpose, to pass.
and none shall stand in that way. for who can? not i. not you. not the ole blue moon. there is only one i know of, and i said 'of'. for that is all i know.
its all too interesting. to look back on the road side and see me standing by my crash site. to smell the despair. to wade through the tears. to walk on the sounds of a broken windshield and a once reality wondering how much this repair is going to run. (of which by the way, will come to pass on the third day of this next week when the sun is ten.) to feel the compassion of the paramedics. to watch the loves stop one after the other to offer a shoulder and convey their hearts. the immediate response so immediately available. its not good that it takes tragedy to really notice who shall stand by your side. who was never really there. who will leave. and most importantly noted, the few that went through it all with me on my behalf. this is the reason for tragedy. this, the reason i dance. and the other that i shall not seek a refund for the sometimes painful existence.
these lessons come and go. and some come again. some never go. some never stay. some are surrogate but the ones that last are the ones that belong.
life, love and the universe.
it seems erroneous that each of those can be contained and conveyed in so few syllables. and so much more of a farce that our language has no unspoken words. nothing is of reverence. everything demeans the moment we start spelling. and it seems all downhill from there.
this is the day of clarity. the day of the sun. this mostly isnt even the beginning. we are here. we are alive. we are immortal.
current mood: clear
current music: peter liu - sonix tekhaus
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| Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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8:49 pm - the music could never be too loud
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the bass annoys you number 4 and if you continue to focus it only gets louder. get on with your fucking life. stop focusing on mine.
the way i have sex is disgusting to most. get on with your life and stop hating you through me.
my music means drugs to you. get on with your own life and stop judging the beats in my groove.
its all about you. its all about how you can so deceively hate yourself through me. and its how you can live the life you are and live with the ugly person inside of your closed mind. and yes that is an opinion but even a broken clock is wrong twice a day. even a broken clock is wrong twice a day.
its 12 oclock.
i wear your hatred like a cloak. and it has vibrant colors. it is seen from blocks away. and its all so convenient for you. because if i wear this you dont have to even touch it. but we all know youre the one who crafted it all from your couch as you sit and watch the mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows that have suppressed and shaped you into just another fucking brick in the wall.
well i am here. and i am the wrecking ball. and if that is your wall then this is my response. i will change this place. and everyone i connect will know that there is a hole the shape of me in the shape of you. and the sun will shine my silhouette.
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| Monday, February 11th, 2002
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5:41 pm - 'it was just alcohol and porn'
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the simpletons are screaming. screaming their simple lives and their more simple ideals. and if everything was as simple as they see, then i'd most certainly run my car in an enclosed space. with the carbon breeze filling the simpleness.
i want to sleep
with a nicotine vice
and an ex in my mind.
'but the sensation that is waiting beneath, is a kick in the teeth.'
but i wont be over for awhile. and its all my problem, because my heart has been degraded to porn and beer. and that is exactly more offensive then the lack of feelings.
but ive got more of them to go around. because for everyone who doesnt feel, ive been qued to play their lack. and its a kick in the teeth. a kick in the teeth.
my bout w/ the faces. with the bitch at the coffee machine who took the good side of the pillow. i have the control now. but for how long is not of concern.
because it takes just 5 words. and then there are the other five that degrades my heart into meaningless. and thats 10 all together. but then who really cares, because its just me that feels all this. and everyone is standing outside. and most of the time i make it rain where they are. hoping that they will just go away. because it makes me angry that someone is trying to figure me out. fuck if youve got the anwsers then why the hell are you standing in the rain!
and this song says. 'if my mans got the money, then i love him, love him, love him.' and theres a very nice baseline. ironic how you spell love dear. and equally scary how you speak it so loud. and completely understandable how bridges are so jumpable. but dont blame yourself, because you cant even understand why anyone could be going through something so hard that they would choose an end. but alas that is why you are the simpleton and we are the feelers. and if in the end your role has been fulfilled by complete simpleness you need not be concerned as mine has been that of feeling.
so theres a sharp porcupine quill in my heart. a cactus prick in my face. a skunks stench in my clothes. and an arrow in my kidney. but youve accused me of enough this day. because i can walk without a limp. and im much stronger than youve given me credit. and one day i will be gone for good. and not even a forgotten memory you will have left. and with that being the case i will certainly sign off. this is the heart that wont quit, turning over this night.
current mood: almost there
current music: pedro the lion - almost there
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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9:04 pm
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if you have the capabilities download the song in my last post. the lyrics that strike me the most are these five words:
'leave it in the past'
leave it in the past
leave it in the past
leave it in the past
how deep. how wise. good night dear ones.
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8:42 pm
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Make It Home
Deep in the night
I think on a time
All was bright
Here in this dark place
I see in your face
All is not right
Make it, make your way home
Better than the last
Break it, break the alone
Take a second chance
Open a window
let in the snow
Cold is all I know
Go to the fire
stir it around
There's a warmer place for you to go
So, make it, make your way home
Better than you have
Break it, break the alone
Leave it in the past
Look and you'll find it
Someone wants to love you
Look and you'll find it
Someone wants to love you
Wake it, wake your dream
One forgotten me
Sleepin' deep inside of you
Heavenly peace
juliana hatfield
current music: juliana hatfield - make it home
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| Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
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8:34 pm
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I Can't Make You Love Me
(M. Reid/A. Shamblin)
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
current music: bonnie rait - i cant make you love me
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7:39 pm - read 'em and weep?
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i was told baby steps. its ok. baby steps.
and im trying to keep that, inparticular, in mind. but when it rains it pours and its much too wet to go to the doctors tomorrow.
i need an umbrella. one that has its own sunshine underneath. 'cheer up sleepy jean'
this afternoon i took a nap during lunch. and i dreamed this boy i cant seem to get out of was rubbing his hand along my hair. and i felt it in my dream. and for a split second before i made the conscious desicion to stop this dream it felt good. but somethings are never real, even when my eyes are closed. and i probably let it last less then that split.
but less than a split and a split are still both splits. and i wonder what all this means in the end. is this really the last one i will ever get over, because it was alot easier the last time.
and i had a beer tonight. and i considered not. but then ive been thinking about the little steps. and it has been 3 days since ive had that poison.
im going to sleep now, and im really glad i know you matt. perhaps we should connect soon. i miss you and i would like that.
this is the heart that wont quit, signing out for this night.
current mood:  crushed
current music: dynamite boy - someone forgot
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4:45 am - the strong tree
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well things are going as planned.yesterday was a well day. its just relieving to know every issue has an equation. that there are steps.
i went to the crack house last night to exchange cars w/ l. cus im going to change her oil today at lunch and everyone is slowing down. seems like we all are a bit out of control.
so im undecided if i should take the month of march off and fly to california w/ my tax return or save it and get out a month early. i could use a break but then i could use a sooner ticket out of here.
you know the wisest thing ive heard since i crashed. a. told me to find a new band. to get a new cd. and that is quite profound. because a new cd brings new emotions and feelings, instead of dwelling on the old shit. very good advice.
alas, im out of time and from here i go to work. good day dear lovers.
current mood:  awake
current music: george michael - one more try
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| Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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5:38 am - the way out the way in
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sleep was a wrestler last night. but i feel alot better. the silent faces have returned. im not entirely sure what that means.
so i have steps.
1) no more drinking
2) 3 alarms, and a wake up call from k. every morning
3) thursday's appointment w/ my doctor
4) less time over at the crack house
5) quit trying to change the unchangeable
6) focus on my job
7) smoke cigerattes
this is where i am. and this is where i hope to get out of. but alas i must move on. ive got to get gas before i go back to that place. love and passion dear lovers, love and passion.
'i came as ice,
i came as a whore,
i came as advice that came too short,
i came as gold,
i came as crap,
i came clean and i came as a rat.'
current mood: awake
current music: modest mouse - i came as a rat
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| Monday, February 4th, 2002
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10:17 am - the spoiled word
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man its taken awhile to get back here. these weekends keep getting worse and worse. and to be self-admittedly honest, its seeping its way into my monday though friday life. you know the one where i wake up in the morning and contribute to society and pay my bills and shit. (yeah that one)
lets start at the beginning shall we.
friday was just a good ole time out at l.'s of course w/ much alcohol consumption. but i checked the bags in early (bellhop!) because of the highly anticipated eve in deadwood and my devirginization. (it was my first time gambling)
and we got there around 8ish. l., r., c., n.(it was his birthday), and from work we had k., d., s. it was a splendid time. i was pimping all black and a tie too. everyone kept saying i looked like a high roller. which was very comical considering i was 1 dollar shy of 20 in my pocket and twisted off the complimentary drinks.
k., l., and i stuck it together all night. we didnt much understand the 'sin'. or maybe it was cause we were broke dick? i dont know i dont see much of anything in sitting at some random machine putting nickels and pushing buttons trying to get your order out of spinning chaos. so then what happens? you win more nickels. but the increments are like 10 and 20 dollars. i dont know its just difficult to understand. but then im the one who can drink 30 bucks in one night.
like r. was saying in jest, i already know im a loser why would i need some fucking machine to tell me that? but we'll come back to him, dont get ahead of me.
so it was splendid and id forgotten my camera in the hotel, and considering how much drink i was drinking that was a very good thing. but i blacked out everything. i remember little. i woke up w/ my camera in pieces (not broken just detach from other pieces). im told i was taken madd pictures at the hotel and i got mad or something and through film at the wall. ive no idea. i really need to get those done. and the next day l. and i had the greatest talk. she uses neat analogies. and even the serious subjects are funny. shes got me all twisted up.
so anyways i was late to work again today. and in my head im noticing something coming towards me. its white and its rolling and it appears to be gaining speed. so on the way i reached out to my current supervisor who i dont necessarily get along w/ so well via cell phone. and we devised a plan. and to ensure convincablitly (is that even a word?!) i heated up a meat patty from the snack bar. ok picture this little scene w/ me: im in a small storage room sitting on the floor trying my hardest to consume this meat. im like chocking and drinking shit to get it down. gaging. doin my best not to chew because i didnt want that shit in my teeth. it was bad. this was my theory, ive not eaten meat in 5 years. and my story was that i ate crab at the superbowl party yesterday and i was up all night shitting and puking because of my stomachs insensitivity.
fuck dude i should at least get an A for effort? that was one of the most difficult things to do. i couldnt even finish it. and people always tell me that eventually i will return to carnvorism. hmmm, it took me 15 minutes to get down half of a meat patty. just dont sit next to me at the table kids.
i dont know guys im really fucking up my reality here. and im not entirely sure whats goin on. how many wake up calls do i get anyways, i'll work my schedule around that. so i drink alot. and ive been blacking out more. i slept through two alarms this morning. its not sleep, or the lack of. i get about 8 hours a night and everyday instead of goin to lunch i take a nap on the couch in the breakroom. mom thinks its depression. my brother would say alcoholism. me i just have fun w/ my friends at the bar. that is seriously all i see. and im very ok w/ admitting when i have a problem. and im looking under every nook and nanny trying to see if i could find one. but i dont think there is one there.
yes my life is currently unhappy. im a bit lonely. the military's oppressing my gay ass. getting over a boy. getting into a girl. financial unwell. thats it. there are all the factors of my unhappiness. and what do they equal out:
i drink and have a good time w/ my friends. sometimes i drink to slow my mind from turning so fast. sometimes i drink to speed up my emotions. but i never drink alone. not lately anyways. and i do drink to get drunk. hell its not like i have to option to use another drug. so i get to use the worst one of them all. (well considerably so)
tell me dear lovers. im goin to go lay down, that patty really fucked up my stomach. where does all this leave me w/ you? because im very open to critisim. and sometimes somethings are in the blindspots. and some people need other people to tell them they are there. love and passion.
current mood:  confused
current music: the weakerthans - left and leaving
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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5:50 am
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its the morning and im 10 minutes shy of walkin out the door. i have a very good friend and she woke me up last night to tell me that her problem might not be just that. and we both didnt say if it was a good or a bad thing but i think we were both thinking that it was a good thing that it turned out the way it has.
i love her so much.
and i seem to be very emo this morning.
and this is the big day. mom says they will find hardly any alcohol from the results. im liken to agree, but that doesnt take me completely out of the fire.
i promise to post this evening. i just seem to always lack the time. and ive ben trying very hard to get to bed at a decent time, well in lue of this weeks recent events. much love and passion to all who read this.
si
current mood: calm
current music: Mary Beth Maziarz - Daydream Believer
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
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9:06 pm
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so tomorrow the results of the blood test. and tomorrow i promise to post it all. much to speak of, much to get out. until then, love and passion.
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