Blogging about nothing.

 
THE SHOW

In the spirit of Bull Durham, IA is going to The Show. Break a leg!
posted by Robert at 10:41 AM

 
Newest Addition to Top 100 Paragraphs List

Oh, come now. Don't you maintain such a list?

Anyway, here's my most recent addition, from an E! Online article describing Siegfried & Roy's history:

The two met aboard a cruise ship in 1959. Roy was a bellboy, traveling with a cheetah he had stolen from a German zoo. Siegfried was a steward, who performed magic tricks for the ship's passengers on the side. A partnership was born.

I smell mini-series.
posted by mindse at 6:52 PM

 
Former Federal Judicial Clerk Turned Ebay Addict Seeks Help


Something about the fact that I now must measure out my life in coffee spoons filled with little six minute increments has made the Internet even more seductive. I have become addicted to Ebay. In the last 24 hours I have purchased a bookcase, three laundry hampers, and an oil-on-canvas reproduction of a Rousseau painting.

Then I found this site that collects disturbing auctions, and now I'm addicted to that.
posted by mindse at 12:16 PM

 
At Long Last, I am Vindicated

Have you ever known that something was true in your heart of hearts and yet your dearest friends doubted you? Painful, isn't it? Here's a little story about believing in yourself against all odds.

When I was a child, I watched the television program Too Close for Comfort. Didn't we all? Who could resist lovable Ted Knight as grouchy Mr. Rush, and Jim J. Bullock as somehow-not-gay Monroe. A few years ago, I was telling a group of friends about the most bizarre episode of Too Close for Comfort I could remember. It was a "very special" Too Close for Comfort. A very special Too Close for Comfort, in which Monroe was raped. By two women. In a van.

I could not have predicted the scoffs, the gasps, the jokes. I was mocked. Soundly mocked. Certain that this could not have happened, my friends chided me for dreaming up this nonsensical obscenity. Frankly, they began looking at me just a little differently. What is wrong with her, their looks suggested, that would permit her to come up with such a bizarre notion?

As I often do, I turned to the Internet for comfort. Surely some maniac has a Too Close for Comfort website. Surely someone has plucked this gem of a "very special episode" apart and turned in the resulting term paper to their seminar at Brown on gender roles and violence on 80's television. TO NO AVAIL. I had finally stumbled upon something so obscure not even the Internet held any evidence of it.

Or had I? During the ensuing years I began to doubt myself. Had I really seen such a thing? Did I dream it? If so, what in God's name did it mean? Clearly gay man raped by two women in a van at a mall parking lot? And, dear God, was it CHRISTMAS when this happened? Perhaps there was something wrong with me after all...

This self-doubt persisted until Saturday evening.

My dear friend Meg called, sounding shaken, saying "I owe you the most sincere apology."

"What?!?" I replied, excited, "The Dad from ALF really is a crack ho?" (This is yet another of those things of which I'm certain and yet can find no proof.)

"No," she said, taking a deep breath, "Monroe was raped."

The veil was lifted.

It turns out that VH-1, God Bless Em, is running a show called "Super Secret TV Formulas". Episode One focuses on "very special" shows. AND DIRECTLY ADDRESSES THE EPISODE I REMEMBERED.... including depicting a shaken Monroe, saying, "No one takes this seriously unless it happens to a woman."

WHAT?!?

But, yes. It happened.

The apologetic phone calls have been coming in fast and furious now. My friend Dave tells me, "This must have been what it was like when they found out the world was round."
posted by mindse at 2:55 PM

 
Celebrities Eating!

I have stumbled upon one of the greatest sites ever. Dedicated to pictures of celebrities eating. Here's my current favorite.
posted by mindse at 3:06 PM

 
Finally, Something Worthy of a Post. . .

Some kind Bashman reader has found the bandwith to post the infamous sushi memo. Well done!

P.S.: The front page N.Y. Times article on the sushi memo is definitely worth a laugh to anyone struggling under the weight of BigLaw. Enjoy!
posted by Robert at 9:14 AM

 
The initial ruling was silly and overwrought, and has implications that go beyond the mere recitation of the pledge. The justices should have no trouble overturning this abomination, quickly and decisively.

Talk about silly and overwrought. The above sentence, from an editorial in the Las Vegas Review Journal, took me completely by surprise. Newdow was a lot of things. However, it was neither "silly" nor "overwrought." Calling it an "abomination"? That's both.

Dorks.

posted by mindse at 1:52 PM

 
While the Rest of the Media is Distracted by Cauliphonia....

The Academy has its eye on the story captivating those who truly care about our nation's future. The Academy and, thank God, Larry King. Tonight, Siegfried joins Larry live to fill us in on Roy's condition.
posted by mindse at 10:22 AM

 
Finally, an Update

One of the many problems with letting your blog stand unupdated for so long is that when you finally return, you have so very much to say you might type forever and ever. Perhaps I should begin with my favorite news topic of the past few days: tiger attacks.

Now, I am saddened by the story of Roy's mauling. Don't get me wrong. I wish him a speedy recovery (although that seems unlikely). But, I must admit, part of me is rather pleased for Montecore, the mauling tiger.

Think about it. You're Montecore. You're a white tiger. These German freaks make you live in a casino. Their whole act basically makes fun of you. "Ooooh! Look at the big white tiger! I'm in charge here, Tiger, and don't you forget it!" After seven years of that crap, can you really blame ole Montecore for saying, "Enough of this, Buddy. How's about today, instead of me rolling over or playing dead, I bite you." I can't blame him. I even cheer a little bit for him, for standing up for his tiger self.

That said, the story of Roy and Montecore is by no means the best tiger story out there right now. Hell no. That title goes to the kook who kept a tiger in his Harlem housing project apartment.

Let's examine this, shall we? Antoine Yates somehow acquires a six-week old tiger cub. How the hell did he do that? Who's out there dispensing tiger cubs? He then moves the tiger cub into his Harlem housing project apartment, which also appears to have served as a foster home. Eventually, as you might expect, Antoine becomes nervous around the tiger. So nervous, in fact, the tiger runs everyone out of the apartment. Everyone, that is, except a feisty alligator. But, Antoine moves out, ceding the territory to the tiger. But, don't be concerned. Antoine still cares for the tiger and the gator... stopping by every day to crack the door open and THROW IN SOME CHICKEN. (That's my favorite factoid in this case... tossing in the chicken.) One day, even this finely honed plan goes awry and the tiger manages to shred the guy's leg to bits.

The neighbors knew about the tiger, sure. One even called the NY City Housing Authority to complain about the URINE ON HER WINDOWSILLS but to no avail. (Second favorite factoid: windowsills covered in urine.)

For those at a loss as to how to synthesize these two stories, the NY Times editorial page provides a sort of college essay compare/contrast piece. The bottom line? The Times has taken a bold stance and advises us not to try to keep wild beasts such as tigers as pets. According to the Times, "Tigers have enough trouble as it is."

Yeesh. Get well soon, Roy Horn. And keep them from putting Montecore to sleep. Everybody deserves the odd bad day once in a while.
posted by mindse at 9:59 AM

 
Separation from service anxiety

Yup, other former law clerks feel this way.

(Hence the desire some of us feel to run back to the womb and get... what's the opposite of "separated from service"? It sounds vaguely like an operation involving conjoined twins, but I really don't want to be conjoined with the whole federal judiciary. I don't think I could stand the mustiness accompanying some of the circuit judges who are milking every drop out of the "during good Behaviour" part of the Constitution.)

Here's the other thing about the transition from clerking -> private practice: For some, it means much, much more responsibility. For others, it means much, much less. Depends on the judge and the firm, of course.

The parts of returning to government service that I am looking forward to: the ability to call ridiculous arguments ridiculous arguments without worrying about whether they're my client's ridiculous arguments, and to use Westlaw without a client code.

All this clerky stuff is being reinforced in my head because several of the newbies here at The Firm are joining the clerkship melee, approximately one week after entering private practice -- one is interviewing with my former employer tomorrow. I'm amazed that the clerkship hiring cartel seems to have held up fairly well.
posted by Willy at 7:21 PM

 
It's good to be temporarily unemployed

I have joined my fellow blogger and the thousands of others who have been "separated from service" with the federal government. I, too, am now *just* a lawyer.

It's funny, when I started law school, my ultimate goal was to become a lawyer. It seemed then that three years of classes and exams (not to mention that one big exam after graduation) were huge obstacles to overcome in order to attain my goal of becoming a lawyer. But sometime during my second year, a clever faculty committee convinced me that there was a goal even loftier than "lawyer" -- there was the goal of "law clerk." So, natch, that became my goal. Now that I have completed law clerking, though, it sure feels like being a lawyer is a step down career-wise.

It used to be that I couldn't wait for the question, "What do you do?" I could barely contain my enthusiasm when I got to say, "I'm a law clerk for a federal judge." Instant approval. Now all I can say is, "I'm a lawyer." There's nothing unique about that. I doubt it will always be met with instant approval. Five years after setting my goal, I'm finally here and I feel vaguely disappointed. Bummer, dude.

I wonder if other former law clerks feel this way about being "separated from service" and thus forced to practice law.

By the way, I can't help but agree with the Parents of Mindy that her adventures sound like the beginning of a B horror movie. It could be titled 'Swimming in Lake Mindy -- Part III -- Body on the Shore.'

I have a little less free time -- or temporary unemployment as I like to call it -- than Mindy. I start work at a big, scary law firm at the end of this month. I'll try to have some adventures, though, so I can entertain my fellow bloggers while they are hard at work!


posted by Jennifer at 7:54 AM

 
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Some Academy readers have asked for an update on my vacay. How's it going, the throngs wonder? Why haven't you posted anything about your travels? Be still, masses. Nourish yourself on the following tidbits....

I have been on the road since Friday, the day I left beautiful Portland, Oregon. I'd be desperately sad about leaving such a glorious city, but I'm hell-bent on a return engagement there. One of a more permanent nature. Let's hope so. First, however, I have to get the Citibank vultures off my back. Also, I don't think Robert and I are quite done living in a big ole annoying loud horrible city. At least, that's what I tell myself. So, this move. (Plus, of course, I can't wait to shack up with Robert. Cute little left-wing hysteric that he is. Hi sweetie! *smooch*)

But I have nowhere to be until the middle of October, when I start a really exciting job. One I'm terrified of, by the way, because it seems awfully grown-up. Yikes! So, I'm taking a looooong wandering journey south to Hell Ay, as that gossip-hound Ted Casablanca calls it.

My first stop was the tiny town of Prospect, Oregon. Prospect is approximately half-way between Medford and Crater Lake National Park. I didn't want to leave Oregon without seeing Crater Lake.

You know, I have nothing amusing to say about Crater Lake. Not a thing. Its breathtakingly beautiful. If you haven't seen it: see it. Its not like I'm easily jarred by natural wonders, either. When I first saw the Grand Canyon, I said, "Yup. Pretty much what I thought. Big old hole in the ground." This, however, is a big old hole in the ground created by a volcano and filled with really blue water. Its pretty. Go look at it.

Taking a looong road trip by yourself is fantastic. Its something I've always wanted to so. But, because I was raised like a milk-fed veal, it has taken me 33 years to do it. I always thought I'd have plenty of time and space to think and get to know myself. You know, take a nice long swim in Lake Mindy.

Okay, so I was ready to get out of the lake and dry off for a while by day three. I'm terrific company and all but I was getting a little sick of myself.

I was staying at a terrific hotel in Prospect called, appropriately, the Prospect Hotel. The owners, Mike and Jo Turner, took pity on me and invited me to join them for dinner. We ended up taking a drive in a 1981 Ford van up into the mountains to drink wine and watch the sun go down. I got some beautiful pictures. Email me and I'll send ya one, if you already know what I look like. If you don't know what I look like, I look a lot like this.

That's the kind of thing that happens when you're traveling by yourself. My parents, however, can't get over the fact that everything I'm doing sounds like the beginning of a Sam Raimi movie. Lone blonde woman, traveling in the woods, cell phone goes out, stops at a hotel, gets into van... you know the drill. How could that story end well? But, so far so good. (gulp... knock wood three times)My belongings await me in LA and I'm continuing to wander South. More anecdotes tomorrow, Gentle Readership.


posted by mindse at 11:13 AM

 
No FBI Agents Visited Me But...

In all honesty, Willy, if Ashcroft had come by and quizzed me I would not have been surprised. Whew! Bad-mouthing Ashcroft on the Internet feels like taking off a pair of tight jeans.

More on the topic of separation. I will miss the people I worked with and for. I will miss many things about my former employment. But, boy, there are things that I thought I would miss that I just don't miss at all. For instance, the court for which I used to work released a very important and controversial decision yesterday. But, just now, I spent an hour and a half or so eating biscuits with a table of 10-12 chattering people and NO ONE SAID WORD ONE ABOUT IT TO ME. In fact, they might not even KNOW ABOUT IT. Sigh. So far, I do not miss the inside baseball. I know nothing more than anyone else does about this decision and I'm delighted.

Wanna know a secret? I haven't even read it yet. Wanna know something else? I'm NOT GONNA. From now on, I plan to operate like a real grown-up lawyer. In other words, I'm going to read only Howard Bashman's summary but then claim absolute knowledge of all the intricate details of the ninety-page decision. Deeeeee deee deee deee deeeeee..... (brief pause while I skip merrily around the room).




posted by mindse at 10:34 AM