Ask The HMO Doctor

Good health care cheap: that's what this country needs. We don't expect to see it anytime soon, however, and before things improve millions more will probably be added to the 44 million of us who already don't have health insurance. To help us through this crisis, we have decided to present a medical advice column, penned by one of the leading physicians in the country. It might save people some money, it might make people healthier, it might provide answers about the mess we are in, it might motivate people to act proactively to improve their own health. Here is The HMO Doctor.

Dear HMO Doctor, I was recently rushed to the hospital after a heart attack. After a quick exam, the doctors realized there was nothing they could do for me because my health insurance was so bad. I understand that we all have to pay our way through life and that these days it's a good idea that some of us not clog up the health care system, because we just get in the way of those with good insurance. But you know what bugs me? They just wheeled me out into the hallway and left me there; two weeks later I woke up in the morgue!!! Plus, my wallet was gone, credit cards and all, and now my credit card bills include a two-week stay in the hospital! It seems to me that they at least could have given me a room with a view and maybe some meals until I was awake and could walk out. Now I'm angry. Do you think I could win a lawsuit? Sincerely, Broke in Boise

Dear Broke in Boise, Suing is never a good idea. That uses the money that should go to Senators like me and instead sends it to greedy trial lawyers. If lawmakers don't get that money, we won't know the best way to make the system work without greedy trial lawyers. I am, after all, the only physician in the Senate, which gives me a very valuable perspective. One thing I know is that it would be better for you to get a good job, even a second job, and buy some better health insurance. That way, when you have to see a doctor, you can pay for it, which means you will be doing your part to keep the system humming. Which means my blind trust filled with HCA stock (the largest for-profit hospital chain in America, founded by my family) will continue to be robust. Then I can continue to make sure the system is there for me, which is the American Way. By the way, your story about the morgue reminds me that I once woke up in the morgue, but it was after a wild party. What a shocker!! But it still makes me smile! Anyway, good luck! I'm sure everything will work out, at least for me! Sincerely, Senator Bill Frist

Dear Dr. Bill, I have a severe pain in my side that seems to be caused by an old war wound. It won't go away, except when I see a doctor. Then I feel great, until I get the bill, which usually is a few hundred bucks. The doctor did nothing. What if the doctor some day does something? Will that cost me more? I'm on a fixed income and can't afford prescription drugs. Sincerely, Old in Omaha

Dear Old in Omaha, It's hard growing old, but aches and pains are part of it. The body gives out, it wears out, things break and stop working. And it hurts. But should the rest of America pay to fix worn-out broken bodies? I don't think so. Lots of companies rely on the health care system, which means they rely on frail people like you to pay to fix their own frail bodies. If people don't do that, all those businesses are ruined, which will put a lot of folks out on the streets without jobs or health insurance. And I don't want to see an America like that. That's why we improved Medicare. So it's important that all you frail people work a little harder to pay your bills! Do your part to keep America at work! And to keep my blind trust robust!!! And remember: don't go to Canada for prescription drugs, because then my blind trust won't grow as fast. Good luck! Sincerely, Dr. Frist.

Dear HMO Physician, Why does health insurance cost so much? Why aren't you doctors doing more to help us seniors? My wife and I can't afford insurance or glasses or prescription drugs. All we do now is sit around and complain about aches and pains. Her compaints are driving me crazy! Every day we have a new ache or pain to complain about. Instead of you guys in Washington worrying about whether gays get married, shouldn't you be a little more worried about two married people driving each other crazy because they can't afford anything anymore? Sincerely, Mindless in Minnesota

Dear Mindless in Minnesota, I think people like you would get a benefit from getting out and exercising more. I hate to see the elderly sit around complaining to anyone who will listen. Go the mall and walk! There are so many things to do that are free and that will do more for you than drugs. Our new Medicare plan will help you buy drugs, but it won't be for a few years and you will have to pay more, maybe a lot more. But look on the bright side. You're old and won't be around too long, so you won't be paying for too long. Think of those who are 55 or so. Boy, are they going to be screwed!!! But at least they will have something interesting to complain about during their golden years. Wouldn't you like to be a fly on their wall when they realize what just happened? Good Luck! Sincerely, Bill Frist

Dear Dr. Bill, I need to sue my HMO. I had a sharp pain in my side that my doctor said was appendicitis but my HMO said was indigestion. So they wouldn't pay for an appendectomy. As a result, my appendix burst and I suffered a massive infection that led to the loss of my kidney and spleen. I also went into a coma and am now always feel like I'm a little short of a full load. I'm kind of learning things all over again. I heard you don't like anyone suing an HMO. Why? Sincerely Spleenless in Seattle

Dear Spleenless in Seattle, Yes, lawsuits are destroying this country. Greedy trial lawyers are behind it. I think they are worse for this country than all those Democrats who are running for president. Greedy trial lawyers want the money that belongs rightfully to health care companies, insurance companies, drug companies and people like me, who own lots of stock in them (but in a blind trust, of course, that we can't see except that we know they are growing bigger all the time as long as we do what we are told). People like me also need donations from all of them to keep this country going in the right direction. I hope you listen to me because I am the only physician in the U.S. Senate and I have saved many lives, even while on vacation. If you had called me, I could have helped you. Next time, when you feel a pain, call me in my office. I don't make house calls, but maybe I can give you some good advice over the phone. (My best advice now: buy HCA!!) Good luck! Bill Frist, M.D.

For previous advice from THe HMO Doctor, click here. It might be just the low-cost solution to your health problem.

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