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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
ashka's LiveJournal:
| Friday, March 1st, 2002 | |
| 10:24 pm | such a goddamn boy i feel odd right now. i'm tired and sneezing and all i want to do is snuggle with J in a warm bed, but of course he's at his mothers. seems like he always there at the most inconvenient fucking times. like next weekend, we are going to woop-woop with his mothers family for an overnight camping trip, instead of going to a gig with all our friends and good bands who i haven't seen in ages! plus i have to work at 7 fucking am on a saturday morning!!! but, oh, i don't know. and i have no time to do my photography homework at all. i'm completely busy the next two days and it's due the day after. i've only been back at school two weeks and i'm already falling back into stupid high school-esque patterns which lead to fucking up which lead to dropping out/running away/sleeping all day for months. i think what it comes down to is that right now i feel like complete and utter shit and J is nowhere to be seen. |
| Sunday, February 24th, 2002 | |
| 1:38 pm | how about it hurts, i'm tired, i'm drowning again... right now i'm hurting, even more so because he doesn't realise. how much of a boy is he, should i say, how stupid is he, to not realise that silence and half answers and goodbye's without an 'i love you' attatched mean that i am pissed off/hurt/upset and bound to burst into tears as soon as he closes the backdoor/hangs up the phone? we spent a week away, by ourselves. it was fantastic. half way home he cracks it and things aren't the same since. he still won't talk to me, i'm still trying to talk to him and it's all going to shit. a relationship is not a relationship if all it consists of is a fuckload of sex, and at the moment that's all it is, a fuckload of sex. and it hurts me to write that, and it hurts me to realise that even though he is acting like an arse, i am still so in love with the real J that i know is hiding in there somewhere, and i am beginning to get scared that i will never see that J again. |
| Monday, February 18th, 2002 | |
| 2:57 pm | last week in a nutshell. i have all these thoughts and ideas i need to write in my head, but they are stuck there. i have a week off work, that i am getting paid for. yay for leave. i got flowers for valentines day, the boy got his licence (it's about time one of us bothered really), E's birthday was saturday. her and JP have gone hiking for a week at wilson's prom. JH and S came round last night. showed me their 'we met daniel johns' photos and had dinner. it was awkward. our 'friendship' is so fake now. they were off in their own little world as usual, and i sat there smiling, not saying a word, wishing that they would leave. not even wishing they would include me, but just that they would leave. and that can't be a healthy sign for the friendship. tomorrow the boy and i are going away for a few days, down to the beach house. i am looking forward to it. nothing else really. start my photography course tomorrow. planning on painting my toenails blue again (ever noticed how chipped toenail polish is so much trashier than chipped fingernail polish??). that's about it. |
| Sunday, February 10th, 2002 | |
| 11:24 pm | so not coping right now it's so damn weird how things can seem almost perfect one moment and you blink and they're totally fucked up the next. last wednesday the boy and i went on a date. an actual just the two of us alone out at night date. we went to the night markets at queen vic, and it was so nice. it was lovely, a perfect evening when everything clicks and i am so in love and lalalala. last night was the same. we went by ourselves, (some might say a date), to see a film. a french film. amelie to be exact. and i loved it. aftterwards we got hot chocolate at the pancake parlour, and we held hands over the table, and laughed together when the waitress wrinkled her nose when i asked for soy milk in mine and chattered about the movie and us being out alone and it was so damn perfect. then came this morning. he was in another of his bad moods where he won't explain what's wrong so he leaves and then later in the day i go over to his house and we sit in silence for two hours and bicker and he snaps and i cry and he feels guilty for making me cry and won't stop hugging me and we both cry and he still won't tell me what's wrong. he says he know's it's selfish and he's being an arse and he knows i want to know what's going on inside his head, but he's 'not like you. i can't go around and pretend that i'm fine with a happy face and go home and cry later. i just can't.' neither of us mention the evil word, depression, but i now we're both thinking it. the stupid thing is that mine is 'diagnosed' so he thinks it's worse for me. i love you so much it's killing us both and sometimes i think we'd be better off romeo and juliet-ing, but i know i wouldn't be able to cope with another failed ending. |
| Tuesday, February 5th, 2002 | |
| 1:19 am | i love you, even when i'm sleeping A at work said 'but i've seen your boyfriend, he's hot. i just look at hers and shudder'. so harsh, yet somewhat amusing. he's so unromantic, so cynical, such a boy really. he booked his licence test for valentine's day and it wasn't until his driving instructor pointed it out two days later that he even noticed. maybe just once i'd like him to surprise me, to sweep me off my feet, take me somewhere unexpected on a romantic whim. perhaps i complain about this too much, but i fucking waited 18 years for him, i think the idyllic relationship in my head should translate somewhat into my actual relationship and a little romance should be justifyable. nonetheless, i am so deeply in love that i am becoming senseless, addicted to him like a drug and i never seem to get enough. i look back at what i was like before we were together, and my life was so incomplete, so unsatisfying to the point where i tried to end it, and now, though i am not the happiest person i know, he makes me feel better about myself so that i'm living again, not just existing. i really think he is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. |
| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 | |
| 2:18 am | i'm tired, i'm freezing... yesterday i saw garbage play live at the big day out. my life is now complete. |
| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 | |
| 11:07 pm | how'd you get to be so beautiful? is it wrong to go to the boy's place after i finish work at midnight and crawl into bed with him and fall asleep, only to be woken by him at 4.53am coz he's randy as all fuck and have sex at five in the morning with his parents in the next bedroom with only a thin wall between us?? nights like this make it all worth it. |
| Tuesday, January 8th, 2002 | |
| 4:10 pm | a fading memory and a big fuck you this time you won't get a smile hello, not even a good(riddance)bye; no hug, no kiss on the cheek, no longing gaze in yr back, silently begging you to turn around and sweep me off my feet. this time you get nothing, coz that's all i ever got from you. happy birthday you charismatic bastard. i'm with someone who doesn't know what manipulation is, and i love him more than i could have ever loved you |
| Monday, December 24th, 2001 | |
| 2:11 pm | won't stop pulling her dress up... christmas blah blah. i am so not festive. and perhaps a little too cynical, but christmas sucks. it's so damn commercialised, it's like, who can spend the most money on the biggest and best present for every damn person they know. it just sucks. plus i am not religious, so that side of it is lost on me as well. and for the second year in a row, i think all my friends are going to different parties on new years. F and D etc are probably going to a 'scene' party (i shouldn't snigger), and i've offered my house as a venue, but i'm yet to get replies from enough people to bother with hosting a party. i'll probably end up cracking it and spend it getting drunk with J, JP and E and going to bed at 5 past 12. sigh. perhaps i'm just getting old, but what's the fuss about anyway? one second it's 2oo1, the next it's 2oo2, it's not like anything will change, just another shitty year ahead of us. |
| Wednesday, December 12th, 2001 | |
| 11:35 pm | forever is a promise J wrote me a love letter and a poem. just because. and i love him. just because. |
| Saturday, December 8th, 2001 | |
| 9:45 pm | missing in action there's something missing tonight...it's you. i can't do this without you right now, this, this pretending that i'm ok. how can i pretend when my insides are like broken glass and my head is imploding and all i want is is your hungry arms around me to eat up all this pain. (i was stupid once, believing i could conquer synapses and break downs...now i know the reality is much, much harder than i could have ever imagined. that's how stupid i was...take me back there...) |
| Wednesday, December 5th, 2001 | |
| 11:33 pm | wish i could cry more and care less (nothing hurts like nothing) seems like forever since i've seen you, only a day or two really. but how i long, in that 'we're teens in love' kinda way to see you again, it's kind of gross for everyone else, but so beautiful, so perfect for us. you really are the perfect drug. |
| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001 | |
| 12:08 am | you're all i see when i close my eyes, i think i might be in love with you... i can't help it, i'm just insecure at not being so sad all the time anymore. this happiness, this, this experiment in a new mentality is starting to be permanent. it kinda scares me because i am not constant anymore. i know how to handle sad. i can deal with it, it's been my whole life, but this happiness just won't leave me alone and i'm still unsure how to do it properly. i look at unhappy people and can totally relate, feel what they feel, but it also feels old; it's familiar but somewhat unsettling. i love him and what he's doing for my self esteem, but it also scares the fuck out of me because it's so new, and the cynic in me is still waiting for the crash (even after 6 and a half months). yet somehow, with him, i doubt there will ever be one. i don't ever want to be with anyone else. i want to be with him forever. because so help me god, i think i am in love. |
| Sunday, November 18th, 2001 | |
| 7:47 pm | fuck this, fuck that and most definately FUCK YOU (the phone won't stop ringing, but i won't answer it. everyone, yes EVERYONE, can fuck off) i am not in the mood. |
| Thursday, November 15th, 2001 | |
| 10:55 pm | i feel infinite (thanks charlie) the last three days have been the best. tuesday J and i went to the movies and then back to his place. had a big teary in the middle of the night about stuff that we definately needed to discuss. wednesday we did lots of naughty stuff in the shower...for like an hour...hehehe. then i went to work. came home and pottered around for awhile, turned my light out close to 1am, and five minutes later there is this knock at my window. i opened the curtain and it was J!! he said he couldn't sleep and was like 'what do i really want to do right now??'. so he packed up some stuff and walked to my place at like midnight. it was so romantic. then today we sunbaked all nudie outside for awhile and had a shower before he went off to the doctors and got butchered :( i am working all day tomorrow and the day after, but i've had like a week off, so i can't really complain. i just feel all good for a change. and J is definately the reason :) |
| Monday, November 12th, 2001 | |
| 12:22 am | falling is like this i should've been asleep hours ago. i feel...listless. i feel like i need a hug, a hot chocolate, a look into a pair of beautiful eyes. (J, where are you?) i want to crawl into bed with my beautiful boy and be too tired to do anything but fall asleep with him stroking my face and looking wistfully at me (even though i tell him time and again not to). i want to wake up with his arms around me. i don't understand this negativity i have towards E at the moment, this distaste for everything she says and does, this...competitive streak?...that is swallowing me away from her. (why was she asked to do that and not me? for christ sake i'm trained to do it and she's not!) why can't i just congratulate her on her good fortune and hope it turns into something more for her...and actually mean it. i feel discontent, i feel like crying all the tears i have been unable to for the past three fucking years. i feel like drowning in it all. (again) (and this time i would succeed...if it weren't for him...) |
| Thursday, November 8th, 2001 | |
| 5:09 pm | carry me away if you want to things are all good. J and i had our 6 month anniversary last saturday, we went out for dinner and it was nice. i've worked until midnight the last three nights in a row, and i am so calling in sick for tomorrow morning. everyone's exam's are finishing in the next week or two, so that is all good. maybe i'll actually see some of my so called friends in the next few weeks. i finally bought the first le tigre cd, i'm excited - big kev style. yay. |
| Sunday, October 28th, 2001 | |
| 5:08 pm | nothing new to report on this side of the lake sir things are going all right i spose. J finishes his exams on wednesday, giving us months and months of free time together, yay! i'm dragging him along to a family do (that i'm giving up eight hours pay for!) in a few weeks. i don't want to go, but the mother creature laid down a substantial guilt trip...you haven't seen them in years, who knows how much longer his health will hold out for...dammit. in a moment of irationality and against my better judgement i agreed to go. no getting out of it now. that's about it. it's our six months next weekend. we're going out for dinner, if we can ever agree to where. |
| Sunday, October 14th, 2001 | |
| 9:17 pm | she's a lot like you, a dangerous type 'i love you so much and you're beautiful and perfect in every way and i want to be with you forever' things are much better. much much better. (bring on the poetic boyfriends) |
| Sunday, October 7th, 2001 | |
| 10:11 pm | the worlds a mess and you're my only cure whatever happened to endless backrubs and half whispered i love you's that can't be said aloud in case your voice falters. whatever happened to messing around with cherry ripe chocolate topping on bare chests and showering together afterwards. whatever happened to hours of stroking my hair, kissing my neck and face and falling awkwardly asleep with me wrapped around you because you didn't want to wake me. whatever happened to ripping each others clothes off, drunk or otherwise, and spending hours heavy breathing over each other. where did hysterical midnight phonecalls and not wanting me to touch you and 'not even you make me happy anymore' come from? WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY COME FROM???? |