ErosBlog Archives

Now, Bacchus is not sure, but he suspects this is an invitation to participate in some odd variation of the infamous "English Vice."

Or perhaps not. At any rate, it sounds very much like something that warrants this mention on a sex blog.

The Group Captain comments (at Shell's blog), and accuses her of being a tease. I think he's right.

But that's OK. She'll talk. We have just the thing for, ah, encouraging her....

Readers are encouraged to imagine the sound of booming villainous laughter as this evil scheme is set in motion.

First, I’ll explain how it was that I ended up with the hottest teenage provincial model at the playground of a mega-rich friend of Moe’s. There’s a simple explanation. We still owed the modeling pimp — Alla’s boss, Slava, the guy who brought her out from Belgorod along with about 25 other models from various depressed provincial towns — a couple thousand more dollars. That was part of the deal. If any of the revelers succeeded in “seducing” the models, Alla’s boss got a 100% bonus. Which meant, of course, that the models would be given a handy beating and blackballing back to their shitty provincial towns if they didn’t allow one of Snideman’s invitees to “seduce” them. Slava wanted his bonus. He kept all the money for himself — he barely paid the models, shipping them in and out of Moscow on third class platzkart, feeding them little more than soup.

The same article later brings up an eternal mystery:

Why, why, why do women under the age of 30 cut their hair short? Why? Has any woman, ever, in the history of mankind, ever looked better with short hair? Huh? Has any man ever said to a young woman with beautiful long hair, “You know honey, I really wish you’d look like my mother after she underwent intensive chemotherapy for ovarian cancer — I have a hospice fetish that I can’t quench. So why don’t you go and cut all your hair off. Please, oh pretty please?! I really want to fuck a cancer patient!”

Pocket-sized comic books called historietas have been available for decades on every corner newsstand, but in the past seven years they have been overrun by a fresh and lurid genre that's part noir melodrama, part Tijuana bible--what Mexico City writer Alex Giardino dubs the "ghetto libretto."

These nasty funnies are less graphic than their Japanese counterparts but make up in operatic depravity what they lack in plumbing. Page through Heat Between Her Legs, Secret Temptations, or Carnal Sins, at the Las Americas supermarket on East Lake Street, and you'll find every variant of anguish on the characters' faces. My favorite artist, who signs his name Galvez and inks boldly with crude strokes, tells sweaty tales of poor women who endure class browbeating, male predation, incest, and long nights of hot, guilty sex--all before hacking their tormentors to pieces.

Archaeologists say the dildos uncovered in Xian could have been used by eunuchs.

They also say palace maids may have used them on sexually-deprived imperial concubines.

But she's a slut rather free with her affections.

She'd love Mickey Mouse if he put his name in the "name=" parameter of that URL.

Darn it, now I'm crestfallen. Or should that be chestfallen?

International Orgasms

Italian restorers working in a Roman church have unveiled two bare-breasted sculptures which have been covered for almost 150 years.

They were designed by Gian Lorenzo Bernini but covered by bronze 'corsets' in 1863 because religious leaders thought they were offensive.

"The figures were particularly feminine in their faces, in their nudity, and very voluptuous," Ms Negro said. "Religious authorities thought they were not quite suitable for a church."

I don't know whether to be proud that, as of this writing, ErosBlog does not even appear on the first page of Google search results for this query -- or dismayed that it appears at all.

Also rather fun is:

Now, the neat thing here is, Erosblog appears on BLOODY PAGE FOURTEEN of the Google search results. Somebody paged through a hundred and forty fricken' results, apparently looking for a quiet place with a cage and some overhead rafters and a bondage bench where they could spank their sweetheart in privacy (paying by the hour) while avoiding the watchful eyes of Mom and Dad. Is this an entrepreneurial opportunity for some clever landlord with an extra truckload of soundproofing panels?

Q. I have a girlfriend who would like to have anal sex, but she is afraid it will hurt a lot. We were wondering if there is any kind of cream or some product that would relax the sphincter, allowing an easy penetration? Any collateral negative effects if this is used?

A. There are several products on the market designed to numb the sphincter, but they are generally considered a bad idea by ass-fucking authorities. One of the things your ass does when you're doing something it doesn't like is warn you in a way that's hard to ignore. You do not want to Roofie your sphincter. You want your sphincter on red alert. If your ass is numb, you might do something that can really fuck it up, so to speak. Best to take things slow. Tristan Taormino's The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (the book, not the film, which is awesome but really just a jazzy porno) is a much wiser prelude.

A water polo coach at a Southern California high school has been fired after administrators found a secret videotape of girls undressing in their locker room, officials say.

[T]he tape was apparently made with a video camera that had been hidden in an equipment cage next to the girls' locker room and showed the students as they dressed, undressed and showered.

Oh, right. As I was saying, such an abuse of a position of trust is utterly reprehensible. The scoundrel should be soundly drubbed with a horsewhip and sent to the colonies for a term not less than seven years. Seriously, it's a scummy thing to have done, and he'll deserve at least some of the unpleasantness that comes with being a "child sex offender" (as the California judicial system will classify this offense) in a badly-run state prison.

Now, does anybody know anybody who works for the Huntington Beach police department who has access to the evidence room?

UPDATE: You thought that was fun? OK, here's a fetish girl wearing a gas mask and leather bondage harness. ASCII porn? Who knew?

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch at it."

--attributed to British conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, speaking to a lady cellist

And most of the women's carnal needs that extend beyond the bounds of regular publication respectability are being sated by what are referred to as Ladies Comics, or redikomi, as they're known in Japanese. Apparently, there're three broad genre of redikomi.

"Firstly, you have your rape types. These aren't like guys comics, where the woman is brutally violated. Usually they involve a story where a woman is caught up in some situation where somebody is virtually forced to rape her. Following that are the S&M; stories. Again, they lack the violence of men's S&M; comics, and usually focus only on soft stuff, like blindfolding or binding the hands," the editor in chief of "Love Experiences Special Deluxe," a redikomi, tells Shukan Taishu. "Finally, you have the incest types. These are either loved or hated, but they often tell the story of a married woman falling for stepbrothers or brothers-in-law."

A man came to the Prophet and asked him whether it was permissible to have sex with his wife from behind. The Prophet answered in the affirmative. As the man was on his way out, the Prophet called him back and said: “Consider what I have said: from behind, but in the front.”

Sorry. Really. Apparently those horny Brits have invented new lows in the bad pickup lines game. Here's another:

"How do you like your eggs in the morning - fertilised?"

Kids, don't try this at home. You will be slapped, and die a virgin.

Use each other's mouths to recreate the motions of sex, with lots of thrusting – it can be especially stimulating if the woman's the one doing the thrusting, as this reverses the roles of intercourse. She inserts her tongue between his loosely closed lips and slides it in and out. To enjoy this technique to its best effect, try it when you're actually in the missionary position.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A.: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

If you like window shopping, you'll love looking for the perfect love hotel room. You can spot these hotels by the two prices (for a "rest" or a "stay") marked outside, near the front door. Entering through a love hotel's opaque glass sliding doors into its dimly lit, tasteful lobby, you'll notice a wall with a panel with pictures of the different rooms on offer; if the picture is lit up, it's available. You select a room by pressing the button underneath its photo, and pay the woman behind the partly obscured counter, who gives you your key. If you don't see a room you like, check out the next establishment.

Some rules: Love hotels rent only to heterosexual couples. Threesomes aren't welcome either, as we accidentally discovered earlier when three of our friends wandered into one love hotel and were greeted by a highly agitated woman exclaiming, "No three! No three!" Also, apparently, they're only supposed to serve people who can speak Japanese, but we had no problem getting rooms. Love hotels are designed for discretion -- some hide customers' cars behind curtains to conceal their license plates, or strategically place walls to make it difficult to see directly into the hotel's lobby. And while many of the rooms appeared booked, we didn't see many patrons come or go, although we did spot couples holding hands wandering in the district, searching out the perfect love nest.

Tips include turning off the lights to conserve energy ('if you want to see your partner then have sex during the day'), making sure your garden is pesticide-free for alfresco activities ('would you really want to set your bare bottom on weedkiller?') and banning lubricants such as petroleum jelly ('Esso's screwing the planet but you don't have to.')

And if you and your partner indulge in any spanking or bondage then Greenpeace advocate 'looking for timber and paddles certified by the only internationally recognised ecological forest certification organisation, the Forest Stewardship Council.'

"She particularly liked to be spanked on the bottom in the middle of it. She loved to talk dirty and learnt lots of dirty words in Icelandic and would shout them out when we had sex."

And Mel loved the thrill of sex outdoors. Fjolnir said: "We made a point of doing it outdoors in the famous Blue Lagoon hot springs in Iceland."

"We also joined the Mile High Club on a flight to America. We sneaked into the toilets and were at it for probably 10 minutes. She was moaning so much I put my hand over her mouth."When we came out a stewardess gave us a knowing smile. Mel didn't care and shared it all with the other Spice Girls when we saw them next."

Anyway, Shell knows better:

I suck on the head and the first few inches, using my hand on the rest of the shaft (which is already well lubricated with saliva). I take his balls in my other hand, lightly flicking my nails through the hair, cupping them reverently, perhaps squeezing or tugging gently if I know he likes it. I vary the amount of suction, keep my tongue moving. If he wants to set the pace, then I comply, letting him use his hands to move my head at the rate he chooses. I love the feeling of having my mouth fucked. But if he prefers to let me remain in charge, then I am happy to continue worshipping him with my lips and tongue, continue squeezing and caressing his shaft with one hand, continue using the other hand to tease and tickle whatever parts of his body I can reach.

An Israeli couple are preparing to divorce after the man summoned a prostitute to his hotel room only to discover she was his daughter. The tale of family turmoil began some months ago when the father, a businessman based in the city of Haifa, was sent by his company to a course in the resort of Eilat for four days.

The Israeli newspaper Ma'ariv reports that the man took advantage of the visit to summon a call girl to his room on his first night there.

And that was when everything started to go horribly wrong....

Does it work? I can't say -- I don't know any married women who are willing to let me test it out on them.

Folks, your humble host, like his namesake, is fond of his imbibables, and his edibles for that matter. The bacchanalia, run properly, would provide suitable high-calorie workouts, but the damn nymphs appear to have all kippered off again. So it's time for Bacchus to hit the gym.

I maintain that the prospect would be far more attractive if only I could find the right gym.

Reproductive physiologist Roger Short, from the University of Melbourne's obstetrics department, said a few drops of lemon juice can be a cheap, easy-to-use solution to protect women from both HIV and pregnancy.

The juice should be squeezed onto a piece of sponge or cotton wool and placed into the vagina before sex, he said.

As you ponder snuggling forever with Moon Pie, compare the lives of your bachelor and your married friends. The bachelors come and go as the mood strikes them, order their apartments with squalid abandon, drive Miatas or Harleys if they choose, and live in such pleasant dissolution as is consonant with continued employment. The married guy lives in a vast echoing mortgage beyond his means, drives sensible cars he doesn't like, and loses his old friends because he isn't allowed to hang out with them.

Self-help books to the contrary, marriage does not rest on compromises, but on concessions. You will make all of them. Perhaps it doesn't have to be this way. But it is this way.

Moon Pie has only one reason for marriage: to get her legal hooks into you. She doesn't think of it in these terms, yet, and she has no evil intentions. She just wants a nice quiet home in the remote suburbs where she can live uneventfully, raise progeny, and keep her eye on you.

Vivian lies stretched out on the table in sequined hot pants and matching pasties. At more than six feet in heels, the voluptuous Morgana towers over her in a simple black dress and fishnets, her hair pulled back lest it get caught in the flame. She lights the menacing-looking torch and expertly moves it over Vivian, swiftly tapping the cotton on her chest, stomach, and thighs. She lets a low blue flame linger on each spot for a moment before stamping it out with her bare hand. As she explains, it's actually the alcohol that's burning, not Vivian's lovely skin. Morgana teases the submissive with the heat, dancing the flame over her body. When it does finally make contact with her skin, Vivian arches her back slightly, and small gasps escape from her parted lips. As Morgana concentrates on the flame and Vivian's responses, her eyes reflect the warm light and gleam with a ferocious intensity. This is one of Morgana's favorite forms of S-M play, and it shows.

Now all is explained, at Sunday magazine length, in the Guardian Unlimited Observer, and it turns out I'm right:

"And so I had to explain that snogging is a bit like kissing but more aggressive, a bit like sex but strangely far more intimate, and that probably as a result, many people who happily have sex with their partners on a regular basis can't countenance the idea of snogging them in any way."

Scientists last week revealed they had successfully tested a nasal spray, PT-141, that sent 'healthy, normal women' into states of high sexual arousal.

'The crucial point about PT-141 is that it directly targets the brain's arousal centre,' said Dr Carl Spana, president of Palatin Technologies, of New Jersey.

...

[L]ast week...Professor Raymond Rosen of New Jersey's University of Medicine and Dentistry revealed results of the first human trials of PT-141. Sixteen healthy women were given the drug and 16 were given a placebo. All were shown erotic videos, while detectors measured blood flow in their vaginas.

The women given placebos hardly reacted while those on PT-141 had pronounced increases in blood flow - results that demonstrate the drug has potential that goes well beyond its use only as a medical aid, though Spana counselled caution. 'The drug can only be administered as a nasal spray - which isn't good for seducers. You can't put it in a drink and sticking it up a girl's nose is hard to do surreptitiously, after all.

1. Your ex will suddenly be a much better lover. No matter what has really happened since you broke up, she will want to impress you with all the little tricks she has learned while sleeping with everyone else. No matter, who cares. Just let it happen and enjoy.

Warning: Do not ingest acidic beverages while reading. Your sinuses thank you in advance.

Thanks Kate for the link!

1. Kissing revs of production of saliva and helps wash away bacteria and break down on gum damaging plaque! Yes, so now you have a medical excuse to start sucking face. You will be your dentist's dream patient. In fact, if he's hot, you should start sucking his face.

Bonus links: Acidman says Meesh is "highly spankable". This court takes judicial notice that Acidman's opinions on spankability are more trustworthy than the USDA's opinions on beef.

Thanks to Da Goddess for the link!

“We did all our love scenes in a bedroom in one afternoon, although I do admit I had to fortify myself.

“We had a couple of glasses of wine and a bar of Galaxy and off we went. It was quite nice actually.

“There’s a bit of oral sex but I’m under the covers so you don’t see a lot. But there is a lot of girl-on-girl action.

Moxie:
I have a pair of those shorts. Several in fact.
Still no dates.
Maybe I need the camel toe, too.

Update: I should have known there was a website. www.cameltoe.org

Recently a British paper printed the story of a man in Illinois who is suing the state prison system. At the whim of a sadistic functionary in the prison system, this man, who is white, was placed in a cellblock which was all black and controlled by a very tight, military-style prison gang. He was, of course, gangraped, taught to suck cock on demand, used as a urinal and toilet, and otherwise made to entertain his fellow inmates.

Someday we may have to face up to the fact that prison, the way we do it, violates this constitutional prohibition, found in the Eighth Amendment: "nor [shall] cruel and unusual punishments [be] inflicted."

"Why don't they just drop the facade and make a dildo-shaped attachment for those hand-held shower nozzles? I mean, we're all kind of in a wink-wink understanding that those things exist solely for women's masturbatory needs, right? Well, I say any job worth doing is worth doing right. And that means getting the right tools for the job."