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[22 Jan 2004|11:56am] |
FUCK THE POLICE.
If Art Garfunkel wants to smoke some pot, or PCP for that matter, let him. And me too. And everyone else. And fuck the Patriot Act. Sure, I bet the cop smelled pot when he walked up to the car. Just like the drug dogs in that raid at the high school a couple of months ago that smelled "drug residue" on 14 kids' bags, but found no drugs. The only time I've ever been pulled over, before the cop asked me anything else, he said he smelled alcohol. Of course, he probably did since I had an open beer, but even if I hadn't that motherfucker (who pulled me over for going 41 mph in an area that goes from 45 mph to 25 mph in a matter of 300 feet) would have said he smelled alcohol. Drug dogs are trained to go nuts on certain commands the cops give them...and that gives them probable cause to search you and your car and your house and your ass.
I'm issuing a blanket challenge to all cops and fascists (el Presidente included of course) in the world. Me vs. You in hand to hand combat. If you would like to set up an appointment, e-mail me at JohnDoe959@aol.com and I'll be glad to arrange a time and a place.
Cop: Sir, I smell drugs. Could you step out of the car, please.
Me: Drugs? Any particular kind of drugs, officer?
Cop: Well, I've never actually seen the stuff, but at "The Academy," they taught us that marijuana smells like people. And I'm getting a very strong "people" odor coming from your general direction.
Me: Oh, I see. I was taught at "The Last Time I Got Pulled Over" that all cops are assholes, no matter what they smell like.
Cop: This is a fact. We are all assholes. We were jocks in high school and then we realized that muscles and shit for brains don't mean anything in the real world unless you have a badge, like this one (shows me his badge).
Me: Oh.
Cop: Yeah, sometimes when I do stuff like take a child away from his parents because they smoke dope, I get kind of bummed and think maybe what I'm doing is wrong. But then, I take out a book that my dad gave me called "Famous Quotes By Guards at Auschwitz" and that always clears my head and my conscience. Pontius Pilate kind of founded the school of reasoning that me and the rest of the non-thinking assholes in the world use. It's called "I'm Just Doing My Job."
Me: To quote my hero, Lucas Jackson: "sayin' it's your job don't make it right, Boss."
Cop: Well, that may be true, but President Bush saying it's my job does make it right. He's the third of the Divine Right Presidents. You can't argue with God.
Me: You've got a point there, Officer Asshole. God doesn't tolerate people questioning unjust laws.
Cop: You're telling me. One time I almost didn't arrest this black kid because he looked like he was up to no good, but then, I got a message from God that said, "all black kids are up to no good. Arrest him at once!"
Me: Jesus! You talked to God?
Cop: (tearing his shirt) Don't blaspheme in presence of an Officer of the Law!
Me: Oh, sorry. I was just interested in your conversation with the Almighty.
Cop: Well, in that case, I'll let it slide, but if you ever use The Lord's name in vain again, I'll rip all my clothes off.
Me: Jumpin' Jehosaphat! we wouldn't want that. Tell me about you and the Old Man chummin' it up.
Cop: Well, see, I was about to let that black kid go because he hadn't, in the eyes of the law, done anything wrong. But then, out of nowhere, I remembered a lesson I learned from an episode of "Cops." See, if you don't have anything to arrest someone for, you tell them you're going to arrest them and then they usually flip out. Well, once they flip out, you can arrest them for resisting arrest.
Me: Well, how can you arrest them for resisting arrest if you have no reason to arrest them?
Cop: That's the beauty of it...especially now with The Patriot Act. As long as you're taking someone into custody, even if you have no right to, if they tense up when you're putting the cuffs on or they trip and fall or whatever, they can be arrested for resisting arrest.
Me: Man, you guys sure thought of everything. But, you still didn't tell me about you talking to God.
Cop: Oh, well, I guess I just figured that me thinking of something for myself was a miracle and that it must have been God that put that idea there, because it sure as hell didn't come from inside my head! Hahahahaha!
Me: Quite true. Hahahaha!
Cop: Anyway, the reason I pulled you over was because I'm a stupid son of a bitch and I have nothing better to do with my life than fuck with innocent people.
Me: That's understandable...seeing as you're an incredible ass.
Cop: Well, about that pot I smelled. I think I'm going to have to place you under arrest.
Me: You can't fool me! I'm not going to resist. You just told me this trick.
Cop: BLAST! I knew I shouldn't have told you The #1 Police Tactic.
Me: Better luck next time, dick.
Cop: Thanks.
Ah, I feel much better now.
Peace.
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