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LiveJournal for Claire Caswell.
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| Friday, November 26th, 2004 |
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My father is dead. I just got a phone call from the crematorium. I phoned him yesterday to tell him I would be visiting tomorrow. He died in the hospital my mother used to work at, and they didn't get any next of kin details. I'm still shaking a little, but it's not really a surprise. The last time I saw him he wasn't looking good, and he was an alcoholic for much of my life and it gets you in the end. He was after all 73, so he made his three score and ten, which was what he'd always been aiming for even if he didn't belive in all that stuff. Well at least now I can get my hands on all the Brother Cadfeal books without having to labouriously borrow two at a time. And I get the Monty Python DVD's I gave him last xmas. I put dibs on his computer monitor too. |
| Monday, November 1st, 2004 |
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My Creative Writing course is currently looking at Poetry. Under normal circumstances I absolutely loathe poetry, and this isn't an exception, however the 'homework' was to write a poem and I actually managed to write something that didn't make me want to cringe. It was inspired by a story I read last night, Alone by ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041129013433im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} obsessed1.It's really short and doesn't have a title but ( here goes ) The class really liked it when I read it out but more feedback is also welcome. |
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I just wanted to ask everyone's oppinion/theories on the new and exciting (and frustrating!) info JKR has handed to us. And share mine as well. For all those who haven't yet had a look at what's behind the famous door at JKR's site I'll put my theories behind a cut. ( Spoiler Warning ) Of course this could all just be a load of rubbish, so I throw this open to any futher ideas you lot might have. |
| Saturday, October 16th, 2004 |
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*snort* Yes. Which File Extension are You? |
| Thursday, October 14th, 2004 |
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So I've done a few handwriting things online before, but I've never had results I actually thought were accurate. This one is a little too spooky for my own peace of mind. My comments are in bold. ( Well here goes... ) Hmm well that was...enlightening. link: http://www.handwritingwizard.com/in |
| Wednesday, October 6th, 2004 |
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I've just got in from Morriston A&E; having fallen down the front steps outside the house and tearing the ligaments in my ankle. Given that I thought I'd broken something I'm not too bothered but it's still bloody painful. I've been given a tubi-grip and a pair of crutches and have been told to keep my weight off it for a week and to stay in bed for the next 24-48 hours, which is pretty standard, but last time I was in this position I was 3 stone lighter and moving around was a breeze. Things aren't quite so easy this time and somehow I really think I need to shift some weight. The other problem is last time I had the school canteen and a mother at my beck and call so food wasn't an issue. It looks like I'm going to have to rely on snacks and other food types that I can carry easily in my mouth, which isn;t going to be good for the old figure. Oh well, perhaps I might finally be able to get down to some writing now that I am going to be largely immobile for awhile. Either that or get some serious gaming done. |
| Monday, October 4th, 2004 |
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Buggerit. I am having major difficulties with ths beast that is known as Writer's Block. Admittedly this has been going on now for well over six months (a year for people waiting for more THBA) but it has only now become particularly frustrating for a long enough period for me to get angry about it. I had hoped that the Creative Writing course would help me finally shift this Block, and it has sort of worked, in that the writing exercise we do in class I have no difficulties with (well apart from the first one). The only problem is during the rest of the week nothing has changed, I can't even manage the homework set each week, and I end up leaveing that to the last minute which creates the same kind of pressure as the timed excerise. Although what I do mange I'm usually fine with as it is roughly of the same level as the timed ones, but then when it gets time to read it out everyone else's is much much better and I chicken out of reading it. (so that may not be a Block problem just an adaquacy problem) Having spoken to glassstrider who suggested alternative writing environments, I've discovered that I can write pretty much anywhere (although 'on trains' has proved the most fruitful 'not home' place). This means that The Block must be purely mental, and I've no idea how to make it better. (ideas would be most welcome) And that means I can't shift this frustration-anger and all this will eventually end in some cataclysmic down turn that will screw up my head even more. And whilst banging my head against a handy wall until I pass out has its merits, it wouldn't do The Block much good in the long run. (besides my headache is bad enough as it is, and has been sitting there for several days)
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004 |
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Well not really, it's just one course and it's just for the fun of it, but still it's comforting to still be a student, even if not actually a proper one. The first lesson went quite well, there's a lot more people than I was expecting, which is quite daunting but they all seem nice. There's a wider range of abilities/experience too, some people who've already got stuff they need help with, like me, and then those who're journalists and want to learn about writing fiction (as if they don't already know :p) and then total beginners who've wanted but never done anything about it. We even get homework, which is fun as I've not done any writing exercises since GCSE English classes, and back then my teacher hated my guts so I doubt he was very fair, and certainly never gave any con-crit. So fingers crossed that this will help me get writing again as things have got frustratingly difficult to put down on paper recently. |
| Monday, September 13th, 2004 |
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Why do I have to be in two minds about everything? Why do I have be every fucking polar opposite you can fucking think of? Why can't I get up off my fucking arse and have a shower and do all fucking things I should have done a fucking month ago? I fucking hate my life! |
| Monday, September 6th, 2004 |
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| Tuesday, August 31st, 2004 |
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 You are a SLYTHERIN! As a Slytherin and as an NTJ, you are ambitious, independent, and driven to achieve excellence. You excel at strategizing and planning to accomplish your goals, and set very high standards for yourself and others. You are confident, intellectual, and can be fiercely competitive. You may not be concerned about harmony or the importance of feelings, and you often challenge authority and can be deeply skeptical. You are sometimes seen as elitist, and can be impatient with others who you consider less competent than yourself. If the project or goal interests you, you can be an excellent organizer, with great insight and vision. With your perseverance and drive, you can accomplish incredible things in your life. Hogwarts Sorting Hat: Based on Myers-Briggs Personality Typing brought to you by Quizilla Admittedly I did answer questions how I would like to be rather then how I would more probably end up but still, Me thinks I would have made a good Slytherin. (Although being a Gyrffindor has it's perks ;p) |
| Sunday, August 22nd, 2004 |
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I cried for the first time in a long time because of a story, last night in bed, and again today when I was in the lounge where anyone could have seen me. I think it might be the laughter that's finally brought me out my funk. I think it's always a positive sign when I am able to let go even when my mind isn't even aware of what's around me. I guess I'm starting to get my balance again. Hopefully now I can move foward with my plans for the year without all the fear and guilt dogging me. I've signed on for JSA and my application for Housing and Council tax is in, if not totally complete yet. All I have to do it finally get around to telling my department that I'm not going back next year (given that I didn't turn up to my supplimentary exams I guess they know but...) and get my application in for the Creative Writing course I've got my eye on. Beyond that all I've got to do is lead the JSA people on a merry dance while everything settles down properly and then get myself somekind of job. Oh and I really need to sit down and have a good talk with my muse and see if she's ready to settle on a project to work on. It suppose I should be glad that I'm getting any ideas at all but the sheer number I've had in the last few days is starting to drive me potty (not that anyone would notice ;p). |
| Sunday, August 1st, 2004 |
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I hate my body. It bloody well refuses to go to sleep at normal bloody hours! Of course it doesn't help that as I have nothing pressing to get up for in the 'mornings' I end up sleeping for 14 hours. Although after awhile I end up sleeping almost constantly and nearly die of malnutrition, but so far I've not managed to fall back into that hole. And I don't have to worry about being too scared to go into the kitchen to make food or that I smell too bad, as current housemates are actual friends so they don't scare me, much. *giggle* I had a fight with housemate's partner the other day, they'd woken me up for the umpteenth time with their yelling at each other and I got a little annoyed. Then when I went to yell at them housemate said she'd hit her and when we told her to get out she didn't. Wrestling ensued but as I was fighting a slightly mentally unhinged early stage trans-sexual we weren't exactly evenly matched. Thank God she didn't manage to get her hands around my throat or all hell would have broken loose. I have this annoying tendency of trying to kill people when I really loose my temper. Although I have now been introduced to the ballpoint pen as an offensive weapon, so it wasn't a total loss. The only possible problem is hiding the bruises from my favourite cousin who's currently staying with my Wales based Aunt (her grandmother) and is apparently desperate to see me. But I'm sure the hot weather we've been suffering with her will have gone by then so I can get away with covering up as much as possible, after all the last thing I want is to get a tan, I quite like the pale and interesting look. (Mental note: must remember to get some washout black hair dye, I need to experiment to see just how horrific it would look if I ever dressed up as Sevvie) (Further mental note: actually signing up for Accio UK might be a good idea) |
| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 |
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I love my sister. She got me a sword for my birthday! (a tiny bit late but still, it's a sword!) I've wanted one for as long as I can remember, this has to be one of the best days of my life, ever! I know this is going to sound stupid but I've had this belief that my life would only be happy when (if) I got a sword, because I wanted one for so long and have got so close to being able to get one but the chance has always been stached away. Perhaps now I can make that belief come true. |
| Tuesday, July 20th, 2004 |
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I have just done something that I hope is irreversable. And what I also hope is just the first decision of many that I've made for myself. I've just sent an email to Mum telling her that I'm not gong to continue with my degree. It may not sound like the momentous decicion I'm making it out to be but from where I'm standing it's like stepping off the edge of a cliff to see if I can fly. I'd like to say that it was a cut and dried decision, but if you know anything about me you'd already know that I've spent hours agonising over it and very nearly didn't make it. This is the exact reason that I hope it is irreversable because given half the chance I will be tempted to go back and change it. And if I did I would be just giving into the fear that has dogged me for so much of my life. The fear of failure. As I wrote to Mum, it is time I took charge of my own life and did things as I want to do them. Even if I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck up and have to go crawling back to where I started. |
| Thursday, June 24th, 2004 |
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004 |
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Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com ( Also it seems I have some stalkers ;) ) |
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So. I'm sure you don't need me to point out that some American president is dead. I know it could be a touchy subject but really, everybody dies. It is perhaps the only concrete thing that we all have in common. (apart from being unique, but then that's debatable) Sure there are ways of dying, and I would be a fool if I didn't mention the sacrifice made on my behalf by those millions who have died protecting my freedom over the centuries. (But saying that those who died during D-Day deserve some kind of special memorial is stupid, they're just the last in a very long line of 'heroes'.) But to get so emotional about someone who had just died of old age is silly. Sure we're going to miss them, if we knew them, but everyone dies, it's not unique in any way. I'm not bashing the grieving process, I've lost all my grandparents so I'm not a stranger to it, but people seem to forget that we should celebrate someone's life, it does them more justice in memory than the wailing and beating of breasts. I was sickened by the almost crass 'grief' when Princess Diana died. Sure such a tragic and unexpected accident (or not, as the case maybe) isn't the best way to die but canceling all programming and constantly repeating the same script and all that crap was just irritating. (but that is perhaps a separate issue.) What I'm perhaps getting at is, why do we mourn? Surely if we believe, and a lot of people do, that we go to a 'better place' then dying is a good thing. We shouldn't be afraid of death, it is a release. Yet we all seem to dedicate out lives to avoiding death. People go to extra-ordinary lengths to maintain their health, we've even created a whole industry dedicated to keeping ourselves alive. Why are we so afraid of that which will eventually happen to all of us? It has just occurred to me that aside from the obvious, death is a central theme of the HP books. There are characters who have 'given the ultimate sacrifice' and those who are so afraid that they will do anything to avoid it. And it's not just the villains. In PS we hear of a man who created something specifically to keep him alive, yet he had no reason to fear 'what comes after' as Voldemort so rightly does. What is it about human nature that requires us to become so unnatural? I know there are some animals who will mourn the death of a member of their group but not to the extent that we humans go to. And it's not just the after-death activities that are illogical. It is the preservation of life where it would not survive naturally that gets me sometimes. We spend so much money 'saving' disabled children and then wonder why we've over-populated the world. I'm not against disabled people or anything, in fact I've worked with them and cared for them, but I'm against the mindless way we do it. Humanity, as a whole, seems to ignore the consequences of it's actions, yet any mature responsible person will tell you that to do so is tantamount to self-destruction. Even immature, irresponsible people know this, from experience. People cry, 'who are we to deny people a chance at life?' when it is already clear that if we had not intervened the baby/person would have died, so perhaps the 'right' question is 'who are we to interfere with nature?' In a perhaps direct opposition to the above, I'm on the organ donor register, and if I could I would be a blood donor. This is because where I do not fear death and am not afraid of dying, I now there are many many who are not and if I could help them by giving them bits of myself that I no longer need then I don't feel stupid in doing so. I think if I found myself in a situation where I have some life threatening condition I would kill myself, but in a way to make sure that the healthy bits were still salvage-able and I'd make sure that they got used. I'm sure that there are people who would accept this if it meant they could save someone who doesn't want to die,(just yet anyway). (I should point out that I don't *want* to die, just that I'm not against the idea.) |
| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
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I finally managed to get a ticket to see PoA. It was Bloody Brilliant, to steal a certain redhead's catch-phrase. Of course it wasn't perfect, but then it was a damn site better than the first two, so I shouldn't complain. ( Here be spoilers ) tiggspanther and I were talking about there being a cartoon series when the last book and film have come out. I think it would be a great idea, as then they could even have *more* stuff than is in the books. Also there wouldn't be issues with the magic not looking 'real' and it wouldn't matter about the characters growing up or not being able to find one who looks just right. Why didn't they do that in the first place? I can't cost that much more to do an animated film than what it costs for all the CGI stuff etc.
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LiveJournal for Claire Caswell.
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calm.
pensive.
frustrated.
creative.
tired.
ecstatic.