| Full of Spite |
[14 Jun 2002|09:53pm] |
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What a fucking shitty day. First of all, things aren’t going well for Jen, which sucks for me since she’s a close buddy. I wake up, and have to do a ton of brainstorming for stupid ass fucking astronomy today, which is such a bullshit course to begin with. After finishing that up, I began to come to school, I put on my new CD, and stopped worrying for about ½ an hour about how much computers work I had to do. (The only reason that wasn’t on my mind was because I didn’t want to be late after missing class yesterday.) I get to school on time, talk to Andrew about concepts of games – have a few promising ones to investigate further. When the bell rang to get to second period I was so tired from the scooter I didn’t want to get up – but I did anyway. Get to class, only to find out it is an extended period and I’m late. So great I think, I fucking give ‘er all the way to school, think I’m fine, only to be late. I solved some more problems with my program, and was in an okay mood. Justine came to the door and I asked her for a ride to Future Shop fourth period to pick up the new Hip, and Trouble in the Henhouse for $22. Can’t find a better deal. Anyway, computers class finishes up and I’m in the caf, when some shit techno trendy raver ass shit fucking bullshit music comes on, and I start to get upset, then I look up and I am literally drowning in people. Everyone wants a signature for his or her yearbook. They finally woke up and realized that after all this time (four years) all you are is an extended version of a single serving friend. You’re a vacation, and your signature and some snappy one liner is all they will have to remember you – your own little souvenir if you will. I’m drowning though, I‘m choking in this sea of people. So I tell Sandy I have to leave. Justine lies down beside me and plays with what little hair I have for a bit, so I calm. But it is only a temporary sanctuary, as soon I realize I still can’t breathe – and it isn’t I’m claustrophobic, no. It’s just that everyone wants a token of you, and it feels like you’re selling yourself out for these people. I can’t do that. So Justine leaves me, off to the bulk barn with some of her other, more cheery friends. Ah well, we get the speakers and head to the room, for one last time. You’re a cancer patient, and this is your dying word. This is how people will remember you next year. The younger ones – the girls who would look in at the dark room, with “Starseed”, “Make Me Bad”, “Machine Head”, “Zero”, or any other song. And they say to themselves – “Those people, they really don’t get it”. But today they come in… they sit. They still don’t comprehend any reason in particular why we go there, why we come off as antisocial, but today they accept it… It sickens me to look at myself after this. I go to my exam, and Justine comes back. She bought me candy, what an awesome girl. Then she wishes me good luck and skips away back to the cheery ones. I smile for a second and start to think about how well she puts her act on. Back in the exam room, it is easy enough, and I begin to look forward to The Hip. As the period ends, Jeff asks if he can come with us to grab his pay too. We get to work, and I remember as I walk in that I don’t have my bankcard, so I can’t cash it anyway. I come back to the car, looking at my pay in disgust. $66. Wow, I know 10-year-old paperboys who make more than that. So I go back to school, and Jeff wants to have a smoke. We discuss things for as bit, run into Derrick who asks about Dan and his girlfriend. I make chit chat with him because he is a good guy and my bad mood needs not be taken out on him. Head back into the school, cruise the halls for a few, then head to the library. Ablack and Jussy are putting together their grad bios, and as Jeff and I sit to look them over we are kicked out of the library. I make a few snide remarks and Jeff hits a few things and then we’re gone. We go down the hall, and I ask Mr. Prescott for the time. He tells me, adding in his own snide remark about being in the halls. When I tell him we were kicked out of everywhere else he says maybe we should try class. This is not something I needed to hear and I felt myself losing control. You have to escape – you’re in Antarctica studying the tundra and no one can come near you. Jeff and I walk out of the school. “I’m going home man, I can’t take this bullshit anymore” I say furiously. Jeff agrees and we begin to head for my house. A light rain starts. “I hope my dad’s home so I can get a ride to work, I don’t want to walk in the rain”. Most of the walk home is either silent, or Jeff asking why we’re heading towards Toronto when we live the opposite direction. I tell him to calm down and trust me on this one. He grudgingly does so. I get home – good, dad is home. Maybe he’ll take me to Future Shop. “Nope, sorry, I’m watching TV, but I’ll give you a ride to work at 4, I have to take your brother for a haircut” “Well, I don’t work until 4:30, so how about we go to Future Shop while Luke gets his haircut?” “No, I don’t want to run all over today, I will take you later” I try to explain how much homework I have and how I work tomorrow, but it all falls to deaf ears. I go to my room to find Jen, Ty, anyone but it doesn’t work. So I sit here, at home, waiting for work. Of course, when I get there someone stole my shoelaces again, so I’m late getting online. I clock in and get to work. Time is molasses. Three lifetimes pass and I’ve been here two hours. I’m hot, and the new manager is a dick. I fantasize about telling him off. He gets more tolerable as the night continues – or I get more distant. It really doesn’t matter. So I call dad for a ride to Future Shop at the end of my shift, and he says no, he doesn’t want to drive. Mother fucking asshole doesn’t want to sit in a seat, pushing one of two pedals for five minutes, wait in the parking lot for five, and then get home. He says tomorrow. I tell him I work 12 – 3, and then will be programming. “We can go before 12” “No, no we can’t. I will be sleeping or getting ready. That is why I want to go now. Please, so I can enjoy it.” “No!” All way home I hope for a head on. I pray for an angel of death in the form of a drunk driver. I stew. I get home, mom says some things to me and I just don’t listen – I’m pissed. Maybe I’m selfish, but I don’t care. I can’t party all weekend and my one perk is taken from me. So fuck them. If they don’t want to get me The Hip, they can listen to excruciatingly loud grunge. It’s good on ya, after all. Anyway, so that’s where we’re at now. Except… I’M TYPING THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING IN WORD BECAUSE LIVEJOURNAL IS DOWN so fuck the world. I need an escape.
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