Iowa Caucus Roundup

* Howard Dean, in an effort to bolster his poll numbers, has started channeling Chewbacca the Wookie. Analysts think that there may also be an implicit threat in the Dean-Wookie: "That's 'cause Howard Dean don't pull peoples' arms out of their sockets when he loses." Dean also raised the bar for speeches that name a lot of states.

* John Kerry, triumphant in victory, reminded voters of his illustrious past:

...back when I served in the Navy during a war in a little country that I like to call Vietnam, which incorporates many cities. Cities like Saigon! Hanoi! Haiphong! Danang! Bien Hoa! Hue! Nha Trang! Can Tho! Cam Ranh! Goo goo g'joob!"

* John Edwards, also polling well but stung by criticism that he's soft on Medicare and obtuse on religion, fired back at his accusers:

The foot bone connected to the leg-bone,
The leg bone connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone connected to the back bone,
The back bone connected to the neck bone
The neck bone connected to the head bone
Oh hear the word of the Lord!

* Not to be outdone in place-naming, Dennis Kucinich rallied supporters with a poetical yet mad-dog-crazy speech, excerpted here:

Now you go through Saint Louis
Joplin, Missouri,
And Oklahoma city is mighty pretty.
You see Amarillo,
Gallup, New Mexico,
Flagstaff, Arizona.
Don’t forget Winona,
Kingman, Barstow, San Bernandino.
(screaming) People, we represent the Lollipop Guild!

* Dick Gephardt gave a stirring concession speech to disappointed supporters:

Folks, we were beaten. Trounced. Defeated. Subjugated. Bent over and fisted. Shattered. Annihilated. Deep fried until golden brown. Folks, we got trashed, smashed, slashed, dashed, and splashed. Eliminated, garb-o-rated, humiliated, regurgitated, and defecated. Chewed up and spit out. We crashed and burned. Beaten like a rented mule ridden by a red-headed stepchild. We was schooled. We tried steppin' to iNsAnE Skillz and got owned. We lost, bit the dust, bought the farm, drank the Koolaid, boarded the mothership, joined the choir invisible, ceased to be, walked toward the light, had an out-of-the-running experience.

Gephardt then impersonated a trombone making that "mwah-mwaah-mwaah mwaaah" sound that cartoons use to emphasize a mishap.

* Al Sharpton: "I'd like a two-cheeseburger meal, super sized, a Double Quarter Pounder Meal. super sized, a nine-pack of Chicken McNuggets with two each of barbecue, mustard, and ranch sauce, two large Cokes, a large orange
drink, two hot apple pies, three hot caramel sundae, two with nuts, one without, a large coffee, a small cofffee, three Big Macs, and one hamburger, no ketchup."

* Wesley Clark, though not formally part of the Iowa process, talked about his military record:

I pissed off China. I pissed off Yugoslavia. I pissed off Serbia. I pissed off Croatia. I pissed off Russia. I pissed off France. I pissed off Britain. I pissed off America. Tennnnn HUT!!

* Meanwhile, DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe told CNN that the Democratic party is in the best shape its ever been in.

We've been working on our lats, traps, delts, glutes, abs, quads, biceps, and triceps. We're gonna be so buff. BEEEEEFCAAAAKE!

McAuliffe also says that so far the party has stuck to its New Years resolution to get to the gym more often and go to two Pilates classes a week, although admitting under pressure that it only made it to one last week because of the cold.

Howard Dean reaches out to the walking carpet demographic

Just Sit Right Back and Choose a Candidate

Regarding Iowa: primary-slimary. This country doesn't need another contest decided by who can fake sincerity the best, or who can make the weaker speech the stronger. Reality TV has pointed the way: let's send the Democratic contenders to an island. Let them struggle against Nature, and each other, until it's clear who the best man is.

Should look a little something like this:

(click the picture for a larger version)

I know, Gore doesn't really belong there, but he's just so perfect for The Professor.

Presidential Hopeful Clark Tastes Shoe Leather

Democratic presidential hopeful General Wesley Clark (retarded) today clarified remarks he made last week guaranteeing that no further terrorist attacks will take place if he is elected president, after the Federal Trade Commission threatened him with action for "making warranty without explicit remedy". Clark has now put forward several ideas explaining what he will do in the event of a terrorist attack while he he holds the Presidential office.

Clark will personally apologize to all Americans for screwing up. Individually. He will go door to door across the nation, and say, "I'm so sorry. I messed up. It won't happen again. I love you guys." at each residence.

To remind himself never to let terrorism happen again, Clark will each one a hot dog for each American who died in the hypothetical terrorist attack. Says Clark, "A aching belly full of weiners won't let me forget terrorism!"

Clark will be the personal slave of all families who lost members in the hypothetical terrorist attack.

For each terrorist act in America, Clark will commit a terrorist act in the country or countries most to blame for the attack, blame to be assigned by a blue-ribbon panel of angry truckers. For example, in the case of the 9/11 attacks, Clark might personally commit suicide bombings in both Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.

A successful terrorist attack would automatically force Clark to have a "time-out" from the White House, where he'd have nothing to do but sit and think about what he'd done and how his actions affect others.

Less forceful suggestions have Clark making a public announcement of "We weren't ready that time! Try it now!" following a terrorist attack.

Posted by Steve at 07:32 PM | Comments (0)

Furor Over "You've Been (Ji)Had!" Memo

Happy Fun Pundit has obtained the text of the "smoking gun" memo found with Saddam Hussein when he was captured and forced to wear a really nasty shirt last month. The document is a warning from Hussein to Iraqi resistance leaders, advising them to not get too involved with Islamic jihadists and other foreign fighters coming to Iraq to fight the hated Americans. Opponents of the war in Iraq have claimed that this memo represents a "smoking gun" and refutes claims by the Bush administration of ties between Hussein and Al Qaeda. Sources who have seen the memo say that it was written by Hussein after his fall from power during the US-led invasion of Iraq, and says "he wanted his supporters to be careful about becoming close allies with the jihadists." The key passage of the memo reads as follows:

...Also, I would advise you against involving foreign Arab fighters in our struggle. To do so would require constantly making saving throws against ululating to avoid being overheard by dragons, taking an armor class penalty for their flashy yet relatively unprotective houndstooth clothing, and requiring extra teamsters or donkeys to transport their bulky Korans. Also, most such fighers are chaotic neutral at best, meaning that you'd best not be leaving them alone with the treasure.

Instead, I would urge you to befriend the plucky Ewoks, who will surely turn the tide against the technologically superior but less cute infidels, what with their suprising tactics and knowledge of the forest.

Along with the critical document, soldiers searching Hussein's hidey-hole also recovered:

a handwritten letter saying "Hay loozer! I coming to steal your oil hahaha", and signed "George W. Bush". The handwriting on the letter matches Qusay Hussein's.

several pages of crappy poetry

a complete radio play about giant Japanese robots

the outline of a screenplay about a male-and-female team of FBI agents eerily reminiscent of an X-Files episode

several crude drawings of giant robots crushing what may be American armored vehicles

a Hallmark "Let Bygones be Bygones" card addressed to the nation of Kuwait.

a letter from Hussein to sons Uday and Qusay, reminding them not to get into firefights from a fixed position, such engagements being a surefire way to get your ass killed.

Those who would make much of this memo have thus far had little to say about how the memo might've been distributed, considering that Hussein has been in hiding for months. Happy Fun Pundit proposes the following scenario:

BAATHIST LOSER 1: Hey, check it out. I found a memo from Saddam urging us not to become closely allied with foreign jihadists.

BAATHIST LOSER 2: Wow. Where'd you find that?

BAATHIST LOSER 1: Over by the septic tank.

BAATHIST LOSER 2: Freaky.

Posted by Steve at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)