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March 30, 2004
Here a Jason, there a Jayson

With just a few days to go before the season opener, Paul DePodesta has been busy making Paul DePodesta-like moves. It's doubtful that any of the moves will have much impact, but one thing is clear: DePodesta has a Jason fetish. On Tuesday, he picked up utilityman Jason Grabowski from the A's (in exchange for about $20 and a couple Dodger Dogs). Then on Wednesday, he traded minor league pitcher Jason Frasor to Toronto for outfielder Jayson Werth. The acquisitions of the two Jasons could affect a third: Jason Romano. With Grabowski and Werth expected to make the team (because PDP says so), Romano might be the odd man out... or the odd Jason out (yeah, lame). Romano, however, won't be alone, as Jose Hernandez and Bubba Trammell figure to get cut as well. Meanwhile, despite batting just .229 this spring, Olmedo Saenz has apparently made the team—provided, of course, that he changes his name to Jason. As for the pick-ups of Grabowski and Werth—two guys with little major league experience and even less success—well, there's not much to say. We'll give PDP the benefit of the doubt, at least for the moment. It really makes no difference whether it's Bubba Trammell on the bench or Jason Grabowski—neither is going to step to the plate with the tying run on second and instill fear in the opposing pitcher. Let's face it, it's a rebuilding year. The Dodgers aren't going to pick up anyone who's going to make a difference here and now. But don't think for a second that'll stop PDP from acquiring more Jasons. Next on his list: Jason Alexander, Jason Biggs, and Jason Robards.

Worthlesss Dodger eBay Item of the Week: Darryl Strawberry used game cap

March 28, 2004
Cleaning up to clean-up for Romano?

Last season, Jason Romano spent most of his time on an airplane, heading back and forth between L.A. and Vegas. When he was in L.A., Romano served a crucial role on the team: clean-up guy. He wasn't the number four batter—he was literally the clean-up guy. When Rickey Henderson would accidentally spit on the bench, Romano was there to wipe it up. When Ron Coomer would smear fudge on the dugout wall, Romano was there with a sponge. When fans would attack Brian Jordan, Romano was there to mop them up. When hundred dollar bills would fall out of Kevin Brown's pockets, Romano was there with a broom (and a money clip). Literally, Romano cleaned up. A year later, Romano is making his case to be the clean-up guy again... only this time in the lineup. Romano is tied for second in the majors with five home runs this spring, and as of Sunday was batting close to .400. So what's the deal? Steroids? Tim Wallach? Massages from Jamie McCourt? Whatever the reason for Romano's sudden surge, the offense-hungry but wallet-empty Dodgers appear ready to declare Jason the hitter the they've been so desperately seeking. Paul DePodesta ideally would have liked to acquire someone through a trade, but apparently his dial-up internet connection in his office prevented him from doing the necessary research. Evidently one of McCourt's first moves was to replace T1 internet lines in Vero Beach and L.A. with dial-up connections. All front-office personnel now have 10 hours of AOL per month, and unfortunately DePodesta quickly used up his time deleting emails offering to increase his cock size. With PDP unable to do his numbers research—and the Dodgers unable to complete a trade—it's showtime for Romano: Everybody Loves Jason. Well, at least everybody with the last name of Tracy.

March 24, 2004
Spring just doesn't have the same ring

It wasn't too long ago that Spring time was a good time. A great time, actually. It had nothing to do with birds chirping. (After all, these are the birds who'd later be shitting on your car.) It had nothing to do with flowers blooming. (After all, these are the flowers that would make you sneeze all summer.) And it had nothing to do with Spring Break. (After all, the bikini-clad girls would ignore you just like they did the rest of the year.) Spring was a great time for one simple reason: the birth of a new baseball season. A fresh start with fresh players and fresh hope. Even though the Dodgers hadn't won a playoff game in years, Spring still had meaning for Dodger fans—even recently. While you knew better than to think they actually had a chance, you truly felt like they did. Mike Piazza could hit 50. Raul Mondesi could join the 40/40 club. A newly-acquired Kevin Brown could win 20 games. A healthy Eric Karros could hit 30 home runs again. Darren Dreifort could return to form. There was always something, something that inspired hope... until now. We're less than 2 weeks from the start of the season, but is anyone hoping those 2 weeks fly by? Really, is there a single Dodger fan without Cerebral Palsy who's even the least bit excited? The team is feeble, the fans have been lied to, and Rick Monday's gobbler is hanging lower than ever. Oooh, oooh, who's going to win the last bench spot? Oooh, oooh, are the Dodgers going to carry three catchers? Oooh, oooh, is Jose Hernandez going to steal a roster spot from Joe Thurston? Oooh, oooh, did Jim Tracy find corn in his stool? Never before has there been less to look forward to. Spring? Yeah, we remember Spring.

March 22, 2004
Dodgers lobbying for opening day delay

Well aware that they don't have a chance in hell of winning more than 20 games this season, the Dodgers have decided that a delay in the season is their only hope and are quietly making their case to the commissioner's office. If spring training is extended, they figure, the chances of opposing players suffering season-ending injuries would increase as well. Add another month or two to spring training, the Giants may lose Bonds. Rockies might lose Helton. Giles and Klesko could go down. Meanwhile, the Dodgers would keep their big guys nice and safe on the bench... well, that's what they'd do if they had any big guys. But they don't. So this whole plan is shot to hell. Forget that you read it. Let's change the subject. Let's talk about something positive. On second thought, don't like the sound of that. Let's talk about Steve Colyer. Come to think of it, there's nothing to say about Steve Colyer. Even Steve Colyer's family has nothing to say about Steve Colyer. Maybe we'll talk about Rick White. Hmmmm... nope, nothing to say about Rick White either. What about Masao Kida, you ask? Nope, we've got nothing. Oh fuck it, just go to dodgers.com and take a tour of the stadium with Pat Sajak.

March 18, 2004
A big announcement from Shawn

For much of Spring Training there's been debate over whether Shawn Green would be moved from right field to first base, but earlier this week Jim Tracy put an end to the talk. Green, however, made a big announcement on Thursday: a public service announcement. Green spent two hours in Port St. Lucie filming the spot on behalf of the Boys and Girls Club of America. It was apparently unclear to the Dodger outfielder, however, exactly what the spot was for. Working without a script, Green launched into the following: "Hi, I'm Shawn Green of the Los Angeles Dodgers... or what's left of them, at least. I'd like to talk to you for a minute about Boys and Girls Clubs. Well, not really boys clubs. I'm not so into those... although I know of a couple people who are. Girl clubs, now that's another story. You may think I don't have much of a personality, and that I'm mild-mannered and a gentleman, but that's because you've never seen me in a girl club. I'm glad they asked me to talk about girl clubs. Girl clubs are important to me. On nights when I go 0-for-6, and ground out three times to the right side, there's nothing like a classy little girl club. Hey, I don't mean little girls, I mean little clubs. They're all 18, really. Anyway, I'd like to conclude with the following: lap dances are worth every penny, there's nothing hotter than a $100 bill in a thong, and if the Dodgers don't get a legitimate hitter by the time the season starts, I'm going to take a shit in Frank McCourt's car. Thank you."

March 15, 2004
Jamie McCourt to resign

Citing "philosophical differences" (with her husband's penis), Jamie McCourt is expected to soon announce her resignation from the Dodgers. Her apparent decision comes on the heels of everyone else's resignations, leaving Frank McCourt to fill the roles of President, Senior Vice President of Communications, Executive VP of Business Operations, and first baseman. Next to resign: Hector Mino and Julio Alveno, the Dodgers Stadium painters. Unwilling to comply with McCourt's "water down the paint" directive, Mino and Alveno will also cite philosophical differences. By April, the Dodgers' front office should be down to about 13 people, making it a much easier job for the Bekins guys when McCourt moves the Dodgers to Venice High in 2005. Let's face it, things are looking pretty fucking depressing right about now. With rapid-fire resignations, initial skepticism of McCourt has quickly turned into complete distrust. When well-respected people within the organization suddenly leave (and cite "philosophical differences"—which is pretty much the same thing as saying that McCourt's an asshole), you can bet that Joe Beckwith is turning in his grave... whatever the hell that means. (Oh, he's alive? Go figure.) Anyway, on top of all this bad news comes more: Jeremy Giambi has suffered "degenerative changes" in two vertebrae in his back. Christ, the hits just keep coming.

March 4, 2004
Wallach to get contract extension

Two days into the Grapefruit League season, the Dodgers have scored 20 runs. Banged out 28 hits. Won both games. Why? Well, Tim Wallach, of course. The Dodgers' new hitting coach has made an immediate impact by implementing a drill called HIT THE FUCKING BALL. Unveiled last week, Wallach's drill involves following a complicated series of steps whereby a batter stands at the plate and HITS THE FUCKING BALL. First, players are given a bat. They then stand in the batter's box, at which time a pitch is thrown to them. If the pitch is over the plate, they're instructed to HIT THE FUCKING BALL. While the FCC has expressed concern over the name of Wallach's drill, Jim Tracy is thrilled that the Dodgers are suddenly able to HIT THE FUCKING BALL. News of Wallach's success quickly spread to Frank McCourt's office... Frank wasn't actually in his office, and his son, playing with legos on the floor, refused comment. Nonetheless, rumors are swirling that Wallach will soon receive a contract extension. Job security, however, won't stop Tim from pushing the envelope. He's already working on other innovative drills such as DON'T FUCKING SWING WHEN THE GODDAMN BALL BOUNCES and TAKE A FUCKING PITCH ONCE IN A WHILE, JACKASS. Good for Tim.