Radical Cowboys

That Clinton Charm

While Drudge is busy breaking the news about John Kerry's apparent infidelities, I've been scouring the 'Net for real news. Now here's a gem:

In its March issue, already on newsstands, [Men's Journal] publishes its annual list of "The 25 Toughest Guys in America" - and Clinton weighs in at No. 25.

The Clinton they're talking about? Nope. It isn't Bill. It's Hillary. That's right: Hillary Clinton has been selected as the 25th Toughest Guy in America.

Of course, this is old news to my loyal readers (hi, mom!), as I wrote back in May of last year:

As for Hillary, well, I still contend she's the most dangerous man alive.

See? I can break news with the best of 'em.

Simpsons Movie?

Though I strongly believe the Simpsons jumped the shark about two years ago, it looks like I finally have a reason to start watching again. From Yahoo:

Buzz about the long talked about Simpsons movie buzzed anew Tuesday when DVDFanatic.com posted an interview with producer Mike Reiss...

Reiss told the Website he could see Homer, et al., debuting in theaters in summer or Christmas 2006.

According to Reiss, Fox has wanted to do a Simpsons movie since President Bush's father was President Bush.

Sweet.

Wesley Says Farewell

According to Fox News:

Retired Gen. Wesley Clark will drop out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination... on Wednesday.

And here I could've sworn he packed it in just prior to New Hampshire. Silly me.

Well, Mow My Lawn

This is just fantastic:

Richard Bussey... drove up to his father's rural residence last summer and found a man loading furniture and other items into a pickup truck.

Bussey held a gun on the would-be thief and ordered him to return the furniture. Bussey didn't have a telephone, so he made 45-year-old Roy Andrew Gendron mow the lawn with a push mower until he could think of a plan to alert authorities.

Bussey ultimately took Gendron's driver's license and turned it in to police.

Man, you just don't get much better than this. Theft is one of the very few crimes not fabricated by the police state -- and as such, our police state has been letting thieves get away with everything short of murder the last several years. This Bussey fellow had the right idea. Put jerks like Gendron to work. It's brilliant. I love it.

Twin Turtles Separated

A pair of conjoined turtles were successfully separated over the weekend. Their names were "Peanut Butter" and "Jelly" because "you can't have one without the other."

That's a lie. You can have peanut butter without jelly. I do it all the time.

50 Cent- The New Zoolander?

It seems that rapper 50 Cent was a bit confused when Evanescence won the "Best New Artist" award at the Grammys.

Apparently, he surprised the band by appearing on stage to accept the award with them.

Is it me, or is this reminiscent of when Derek Zoolander stormed on stage to accept the male model of the year award, only to find that the real winner was Hansel?

50 Cent. Blah. I've heard he's been shot like nine times. What a shame...his attackers couldn't finish the job.

Unsafe At Any Speed

A Finnish sausage company heir was fined what comes out to be $217,000 US for speeding. Finnish traffic tickets are based not only on the offense, but on the income/tax data of the motorist involved.

That is some serious stuff to deal with. Traffic tickets are local in the US, there is no federal influence. Imagine federal traffic tickets based upon your ability to pay, couple that with more than half your income going to taxes already. Beware of big government and what information the local constable can pull up on his in-dash computer.

CBS and the FCC

Is America big enough for both? That's the question I ask in my latest article, "CBS and the FCC: Is America Big Enough for Both?," now available over at readjdm.com. Here's a tasty morsel:

Decency standards are equal parts valid and arbitrary. Like Alan Thicke wrote in the Diff'rent Strokes theme song, "What might be right for you, may not be right for some." When you subject an unsuspecting, captive audience to something beyond their comfort threshold, you threaten the extent to which they feel they're watching by choice.

We see this principle in play throughout the history of mass communication.

Read the whole thing here.

On Shay's Rebellion

Gary North writes:

It can accurately be said that the great turning point in post-Revolutionary America was John Hancock's big toe.

Read the whole thing, or interpret as you may.

Outkast Is Grammilicious

Outkast has apparently won the Grammy for Album of the Year. I say "apparently" because I don't watch awards shows and consider them a tool of the devil. So I'm taking this here Yahoo story at its word when it tells me "OutKast won album of the year." Anyway, I can live with Outkast winning this award. I like Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. A lot. My only question: Shouldn't this constitute a co-Album of the Year award, seeing as how these are supposed to be separate albums?

Priceless

This, from Yahoo:

A Tennessee woman has filed a class action suit against Janet Jackson and others involved in her breast-baring Super Bowl halftime show, saying millions of people are owed monetary damages for exposure to lewd conduct.

Can I countersue? I feel that I'm owed monetary damage for exposure to complete and utter idiocy.

Let's forget, for a minute, that it was half a breast shown on national TV for a split second. Let's forget that breasts aren't inherently evil. Let's forget that the television ads aired during the Super Bowl were much more lewd than Janet's breast. (As a side note: am I the only one who doesn't find talking animals the least bit funny?)

Let's put that all aside for a moment, and focus on one important point:

Since when does being offended entitle someone to monetary compensation? If that's the case, I should be a due a pretty penny. I'm offended everytime I hear that song by The Darkness.

Touching you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...Touching me-eee-eee-eee-ee...

To Hell With School

A young girl in Pittsburgh has been suspended from school for using the word "hell."

What the hell?

Suspended? For using the word "hell?" That seems excessive.

Apparently the girl, who is seven, told another classmate that he'd go to hell for saying "I swear to God."

Now, it's no secret that I feel rather strongly about the amibiguity of so-called "profanity." This, however, is ridiculous, even given the constraints of prohibiting profanity. She got suspended! When I was in school, kids who fought got suspended. Kids who cursed got their names written on the board and missed recess.

I'm not even sure if hell qualifies as a curse word. Oh well...I guess that means that they'll just have to get the police involved.

That's Just Wrong

At a soccer game between the United States and Canada in Mexico (weird, right?), the Mexican crowd, according to azcentral.com, "chanted 'Osama! Osama! Osama!' as U.S. players left the field."

Ah, but they're just angry we took Texas, Arizona, California, and New Mexico. So don't let it get to you.

Deliver Us From Hannity

Is it just me, or is there something sort of creepy looking about the cover to Sean Hannity's new book, Deliver Us From Evil?

And I think I know what it is that creeps me out about it. When I was a kid, every American history book they ever assigned us always had the same stupid picture of John D. Rockefeller (he of Standard Oil fame), and I swear the man's face gave me nightmares. And this Hannity pic, it reminds me of Rockefeller. Look:

See what I mean? I feel like looking at either of 'em for too long without blinking would cause you to bleed oil through your pores spontaneously. Though I suppose there are worse things that could happen.

This Drug's For You

The FDA announced this week that they'll begin enforce stricter guidelines on all pharmaceutical print ads, making them easier to read.

I wish they'd do the same with television drug ads. Some of the drugs advertised are among the most ambiguous products available...I don't know what any of them do. I'm just supposed to "ask my doctor" about them.

From the look of the commercials, most of them seem to be intent on helping me throw a football through a tire swing.

I don't understand why there's such a market for that.

Disco Pants and Haircuts

Don't have enough time between Starbucks and The Gap to get to your local polling place? Well Orange County, California has the solution. Starting with the March primaries voting kiosks will be open for business in area malls.

"This could be a way to appeal to younger people to vote. Let's face it, younger people spend a lot of time at the malls." Said Mark Petracca, professor of political science at the University of California.

You're right, Professor, its very hard to pull young people away from our Pac-Man video games, Abercrombie & Fitch, rock music, and the Malt Shoppe to vote.

While I agree that voting should be made easy and appeal to younger voters, I find the mall to be a sad place for voting. Call me old fashion, but I find it upsetting that the shopping mall has replaced the church basement, union hall, or high school as the center of local politics. This is a sure sign of a depressing need to appeal consumer culture in order to raise voter participation.

A Friend of the U.N.?

From Reuters:

Actress Drew Barrymore became on Thursday the first person to be named "A Friend of the U.N." by a new organization called "Artists for the U.N."

"We wake up every morning thinking, like, what more can we do in this world to make it a better, happier, more peaceful and beautiful place," Barrymore told a standing-room-only crowd at a U.N. news conference.

Artists for the U.N., a partnership between the United Nations and Global Vision for Peace, hopes to encourage artists "to support the ideals, vision and mandate of the United Nations" in seeking global solutions to world problems, according to its organizers.

Any friend of the U.N. is no friend of mine. Intelligentsia, phone home.

The Truth Is Out!

All right, I've been pretty tough on George Bush lately, but you know that, deep down, I'd still rather see the man shape up then get shipped out. Still, for at least three minutes, this here Bush Conspiracy Generator is too much fun. Here's the scenario I concocted:

George W. Bush gave Iraq reconstruction contracts to his friends so that The Jews, oil companies, and Ann Coulter could conquer The French.

Makes sense to me.

Another Idiot Mayor

...and this one's even worse than the masshole I wrote about four hours ago. From the Washington Post:

Mayor Anthony A. Williams will announce plans tonight to have D.C. police take over security at the city's public high schools, starting with an increased presence at the Southeast Washington school where a student was fatally shot Monday, administration officials said.

I'm sorry, I don't care what the rationale is. High school halls are not a valid police beat.

I hate to say it, but something tells me what happened at Stratford High in South Carolina was only the beginning.

God, am I glad I finished up high school years ago.

Patriots Win, Everyone Loses

From the Boston Globe:

Mayor Thomas M. Menino has blamed newly permitted Sunday liquor sales for helping to fuel post-Super Bowl riots in student areas, saying that young people were "able to run to the store when they ran out of beverage and stock up."

That could be it.

Or... maybe the people in your city are massholes?