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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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2:38 am - not nice
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i locked up my last post. no offense, but i don't want anyone to see that. it wasn't good.
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2003
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4:10 pm - This is a great song
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From Cowboy Bebop... Such an incredible soundtrack it has:
Gotta Knock a Little Harder
-Words by Tim Jensen
-Music and Arranged by Kanno Yoko
Happiness is just a word to me
And it might have meant a thing or two
If I'd known the difference
Emptiness, a lonely parody
And my life, another smokin' gun
A sign of my indifference
Always keepin' safe inside
Where no one ever had a chance
To penetrate a break in
Let me tell you some have tried
But I would slam the door so tight
That they could never get in
Kept my cool under lock and key
And I never shed a tear
Another sign of my condidtion
Fear of love or bitter vanity
That kept me on the run
The main events at my confession
I kept a chain upon my door
That would shake the shame of Cain
Into a blind submission
The burning ghost without a name
Was calling all the same
But I wouldn't listen
The longer I'd stall
The further I'd crawl
The further I'd crawl
The harder I'd fall
I was crawlin' into the fire
The more that I saw
The further I'd fall
The further I'd fall
The lower I'd crawl
I kept fallin' into the fire
Into the fire
Into the fire
Suddenly it occurred to me
The reason for the run and hide
Had totaled my existnce
Everything left on the other side
Could never be much worse than this
But could I go the distance
I faced the door and all my shame
Tearin' off each piece of chain
Until they all were broken
But no matter how I tried
The other side was locked so tight
That door it wouldn't open
Gave it all that I got
And started to knock
Shouted for someone
To open the lock
I just gotta get through the door
And the more that I knocked
The hotter I got
The hotter I got
The harder I'd knock
I just gotta break through the door
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Gotta knock a little harder
Break through the door
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2003
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12:15 pm - The perilous cliff of uncertainty and confustion
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I'm glad I'm heading to hunter today. It will give me a chance to get my mind off of things. Or maybe more on target, and that's what I really need.
I need to figure things out. Hardcore. I need to get my mind cleared out a little of all the clutter, and really try to boil some things down. It will not be easy, though. But like I said before... Nothing worth it is easy, eh? If it were easy, it would seem hollow.
I just hate, you know... really not having any idea what's going on. Every time I get stuck in that kind of situation... I don't know. I usually become dead paralyzed with fear. It's an awful response. I need much better than that. But I'm always apprehensive about sticking my neck out, because... you know, that's how you get it chopped right off.
But I need to be better than that right now. I have to be confident in myself. That takes a little effort on my behalf sometimes, but that's just the way it has to be. And I will conquer... if nothing else, I will conquer myself. Because in conquering myself, I will know myself better. And in knowing myself better, I shall become stronger. And if nothing else at all, I will have that to my benefit when all the dust clears.
For now, I need to go tend to things. I need to enjoy myself for a while. And damn it all, I'm going to.
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| Friday, March 28th, 2003
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7:22 pm - hmm...
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Birthday on sunday... Yay for that I guess. Even though it's my first, "You've achieved nothing but getting older. Loser." birthday. I have to figure out what's going on... I'm not really doing anything tonight, I don't think. I may watch some Eva to put me in a particular mindset. Or maybe even some Gundam.
I'm going to PA tomorrow to play Hunter for the first time. I think it will be pretty fun. I'm looking forward to it. That'll suck up my whole day, though... I know I won't get back until pretty late.
Maybe I'll do something on Sunday, on my actual birthday... But, I don't know yet. It's tough when I have class the next day. Eh... I'll think about it later. We'll see what happens. Heh.
For now, I'm gonna go work on my hunter a little bit, and see about that super-duper-anime-wathing plan I had.
Yay for being a Friday night loser.
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2003
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11:22 am - A good night
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Yesterday was a pretty good day, overall. I had to drag my lazy ass outta bed for one class, which is pretty lame since it starts at like 1:10 in the afternoon. Ok, I wasn't really in bed still at that time, but it still required dragging my ass out of the house. I didn't get much else productive done that night at all. I should have. I have a *lot* of shit to finish basically tonight and tomorrow now, but, oh well.
My weather class was cancelled. Oh yeah. It was pretty nice. I mean, it's loseriffic that our prof cancells class a bunch, but hey, I'm not going to complain really. I headed back here and got to watch Kenshin. How do I lose?
Luke and Dana came up to visit last night. Yay! Dana headed over to a friend's place across down to play D&D; for the night... Lucky her. Luke and I went to see Mitch Hedberg at the Rutgers student center... Shannon, who I must add now is super cool, saved us seats in the second row. w00t! The weather was sucking at the time, so, he was a couple minutes late, but when he got there, woo doggie. Funny. He amuses me very much. I think it was damn good. We had to keep Shannon calm, cuz she was totally going to jump him, club him over the head and drag him back to her cave. She's crazy! hehe. We waited around afterward for a few to see if he'd come out and say hi or anything, but of course, he didn't. Ah well.
Afterwards, Luke and I just came back to my house and chilled for a while. Nothing to thrilling, I assure you. Watched some tv, bullshat, and then he had to leave around midnight cuz he had an 8:30 class... yuck. I haven't had a class that early since freshman year, and frankly, I think I'm a better person for it. But hey, I guess when it's a class you need and that's the only time they offer it, you do what you hafta do.
Anywho, it's now tomorrow and I have to eat something and leave for class in a few minutes. Today shouldn't be too stressful a day. I'm hoping. Or I might explode. Or light fires. Who knows? Not me.
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
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10:37 pm - Thank the gods for paychecks
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Hrm. I am very glad I just got TWO paychecks. Woot for that. I needed this money quite badly, and I will deposit it tomorrow and put it to very good use.
I wish that good use were buying myself pretty things. Unfortunately, it looks more like it will go to paying bills. *sigh*
Ah well. At least it's still lovely out. I will enjoy the walk home (as soon as I get out of work at 1 am) quite a bit, I think.
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6:42 pm - On Spring
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Spring is a very peculiar time of the year.
In one of my classes yesterday, the professor pointed out that spring is the time of year when the greatest number of people become depressed and commit suicide. It is very contrary to supposition, but, it is the truth.
None the less, I was walking into my house and I saw an adorable little purple tulip poking out of the ground right near our front steps... And something inside of me couldn't help but appreciate the beauty of that.
Perhaps it's the interesting outlook that nature is just nature, and even though all living things must die... it is part of a cycle. Maybe that flower just poking its head out now is going to shrivel and die come late summer or fall... But today -- right now, it is a beautiful thing. And sometimes you just have to bask in what is beautiful now, and not worry about the horrific things that are inevitable as a part of that life.
But don't forget that it will happen. Balance, and all that rot.
This was another incoherant moment brought to you by Dan.
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| Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
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1:27 am - My meager addition to last night's festivities...
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Honestly,  ariestar summed most of last night up. redvector filled in most of the rest... But, just to add one moment from yesterday:
"Truth be told, I still find her abrasive. I'm just too drunk to care."
Heh.
On to today. ariestar and I headed down to south jersey to pick up Meg and to see Amy's dancing thingamajig-with-a-name-i-can't-remember. It was a big bellydancing to-do, and it was really pretty cool. Most of the belly dancers were just incredible. Amy was great, and it was good to see her friends from her class too. Yay for that. It was good times.
Afterward, we headed to Danielle's place to hang out for a while. We just chilled and bullshitted for a good bit. I started to fall asleep because I was still tired from last night's festivities. At some point, Peter called Meg and said he needed some NPCs for his hunter game tonight, so of course we went to Pete's, dressed up and headed to PA. Whee. The game was pretty fun, I'll admit, but I was just so damn tired toward the end that I wanted to get home. We eventually left.... Blah.
ariestar and I had a good chat on the way back, even if it was a bit morbid. Nothing we haven't discussed before, honestly. But it's still depressing to realize that the world just sucks ass sometimes... Oh well.
The weather's incredible out again, so I'm considering going for a nice late night walk. But we'll see about that. I'm also super tired, and school's starting again monday... Oh well. We'll see. I'm outtie for now. Pce all.
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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12:56 am - Displeased
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I found tonight entirely unfulfilling...
Well, it was nice to see my sister for a little bit.
But other than that. Blah. I am not saying I expect much while I'm at home, but I'm expecting better. Perhaps things have just been too good overall lately (with the exception of the plague, of course).
*shrug*
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| Monday, March 17th, 2003
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4:01 pm - I suppose I could write something
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I'm at home currently... Spring break and all.
MR went well this weekend, I think. Everyone seemed to have a good time. I didn't hear anyone coming to me with major complaints, at least. I have a little bit of post-weekend stuff to do, but nothing so awful. All with that is good, I'd say.
I returned home last night. It was just a beautiful night out. I came home and hung out with the 'rents for a little while. I watched adult swim, and figured that I would perhaps go to the beach for a bit... But alas, I was too tired. I'm still pretty sick. This is way fucked up. I'd like to say I think it's on the downswing, but I'm so fugged up right now it's impossible to tell. Anywho, I was super tired, so I just stayed in and went to bed early. Perhaps I'll go to the beach for a little while tonight. Just to see the ocean, and perhaps clear some of my thoughts.
I'm probably going to head back up to NB a little later in the week. I have a bunch of things I'd like to do up there. Gods know that I could clean up some of my shit at the house. That'd be useful. I could finish doing some reading there too. Willow and I are supposed to hang out at some point, and she'll probably attack me if we don't, so I need to make sure I get back up there for that too.
Eh, I suppose I'm still a little just... i don't know... blah. At least the weather's downright incredible. If not for that, I probably wouldn't do very much moving or anything. I'd be more akin to a lizard. But I'm wiggling. At least a little.
I think I'm going to go lay down for a while and finish Ishamel. Auf wiederschrieben.
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| Friday, March 14th, 2003
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2:22 pm - Monkeys
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Yeah... Whew... Been running around all day.
I'm still sick. This fucking sucks. I want it to go away so badly, but it just won't. I am getting all fearful that there's a billion other things wrong with me... Honestly, it's probaly just the fact that I've been sick for a while that's fucking up my homeostasis... Once I recouperate, I'll probably level off and feel fine again. Or at least shit, I hope so.
MR in a couple hours... I'm producing the event. I'm a bit nervous, but excited too. Things look really good, and I have a pretty sweet crew working for me. I am looking forward to everything. I think all will turn out well. And if something goes horribly awry... Um... I'll just run away into the woods and hide. Yeah. That's it.
Spring break this next week. I can use the time to relax a little and catch up on my reading. That'll be nice.
Anywho, no time for love, Dr. Jones... Gotta run and get some shit done. Pce.
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003
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6:47 pm - I'm an awful student
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This isn't a new realization... son of a bitch.
But the important question is... Can I fix this problem? I mean, I've said I was going to before and I haven't. However, I'm getting on in my college years... And I am going to kick the piss out of myself if I don't graduate cum laude. I will. I don't think that's asking for much... But judging my recent performances, I don't know. I've been going down. I need to go up. But going up isn't always easy when a B hurts your gpa.
*sigh*
Alright, I have to fix this. But I need to get to spring break first. I want to take a couple days to meditate on my life. But first I need a few days where I don't have demanding work that needs to be done NOW... Just have to finish out the week, and the this weekend. That's it. Then I can try to fix life.
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4:18 pm - Well fuck me with a 10 grit Trojan
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My total owed to the city of new brunswick is now $66, and my total to Rutger is probably $15.
Sweet baby jesus buttfuck. How do I attract parking tickets like this? The beginning of the semester went so well... Fucking christ. Now, all of the sudden, I'm getting cocksmacked left and right with tickets. It sucks. I don't have the money for these expenses, but sometimes... like today, I don't have the time to pack a light year from my house, walk over, and then walk back when I only have 45 minutes to be there and I actually have a few things I need to do while I'm there. What the fuck. This is ridiculous. I'm angry. I hate the system. And I hate the man.
So much hate. Hate for all. Pure, distilled, liquid hate. It's delicious. Try some. It will kill you. Grrrrrrr.
------------------
This message was brought to you by the letter H, and the number 8.
(Think about it.)
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2003
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4:23 pm - Somebody shoot me
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Today keeps getting better and better...
By better and better, I mean worse and worse.
So, here's a magical moment in things that just unnecessarily piss me off. So, my MR weekend is coming up, and there's a spotlight on the plainspeople... Who are modled off of Native American cultlure. So, I go looking on a website for appropriate names for some of my key characters. I check under the male names on this page I found that had a bunch, and I find two that fit the characters who really need good names. It took me a little bit to find ones I liked with good meanings, but I found them and was glad.
Today, Amy points out to me that they're female neames. Both characters are male. Fuck me in the asshole. The stupid website switched their male and female names. The two category titles were just switched. I can at least change the one character's name, but my cast character's name was already given out in the preview, so I can't change it now. Great. He has a female name. Isn't that just quaint? If you need an example, imagine being at a meeting for work, and a manager from another branch comes in to pay you a visit and to try to see how you guys work things. He introduces himself as Betty. Or maybe Susan. Or perhaps he calls himself I-have-a-vagina-and-bleed-from-the-crotch-once-a-month.
I feel fucking wonderful about myself right now. Always the little things. At least the writing looks good. Thank the gods for the big things working out when the small things don't.
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2:51 pm - Laziness is of the essence
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I should feel badly for having not done anything last night or today...
For that matter, what I should really feel badly about is not even wanting to do anything.
Gods be damned, I have to find a way to motivate myself. Nothing seems to work. Fucker.
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| Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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1:21 pm - ATWho's your daddy? Spring 2003
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Yep, last night was AZ's good ol' semesterly ATW. And man, was it a good time. The theme this time was holidays. We had mardi gras, cinco de mayo, st. patrick's day, and halloween. I was of course in the hallween room, which probably too closely resembled our goth room from last semester, but I don't care cuz we had fun anyway.
We had a nice conversation outside with a me and jessy and bryan and someone else (don't remember, kinda smashed) about how people who wanna look sexy prep themselves out, which is absurd, because goth is totally the way to go. Goth is sexy! What don't people get? Oh well. No my prob, yo. I still have black fingernails, buuut, I can pull those off so I'll probably just leave 'em. It'll also help me not bite my nails for a while.
Anywho... That's all. I wasn't ill at all today, which is delightful. I do feel a little like a lush, though, so I should probably drink less in the immediate future. Of course, I say that now, and watch me totally lie. Eh, that's beside the point. I'm still a little sick, but I mean actually sick-sick, not drinking sick. I'm starting to feel better though. We'll see how that goes.
I hafta go shower myself up and then head home for a while to see the 'rents. I hafta pick up a few things while I'm there too for the upcoming MR weekend... Yar. I'll prolly come back and do stuff around the house like a lamer later on unless I find something better to do. Ooh, I think .hack//sign is on tonight. That show r0x0rs. Must see more... Ugh, such an anime addict lately. Not that I've ever not been. Oh well. Time to go, for I am babbling again.
Toodles.
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| Friday, March 7th, 2003
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1:16 pm - day 3
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Yep... I'm on the third day of this whatever-plague-is-going-around. Sick for the third day. I hate being sick so much, and yet here I am, sick as all get out. I feel awful. It trades off between when I can eat, when I can't. When I do or don't have the strength to stand. When I'm hallucinating, and when I'm lucid and not completely incoherant. It's pretty wild.
It's like I'm on some crazy drug. Yet, I'm not. Go figure. This is all natural, baby. I passed out pretty early last night and spent about 15 hours unconscious and at some point I started totally hallucinating. I had a 4-layer dream. That means a dream within a dream within another dream within the main dream. It was insane. It was really freaky too, but I don't want to mention the details of that right now.
We went to the rally against the budget cuts in Trenton yesterday. I think it went really well... We got some local coverage. I haven't been able to check out the papers yet, but apparantly channel NJ12 has us on their website. McGreevey is a total asshole. Made some dick comments trying to defend himself, but he's totally backstabbing his supportive constituency, and he's going to get his in the end, I think. Unfortunately, it may well mean our next governor will be a Republican... but, fuck, if he/she at least stops fucking up the state, I'll live for a few years with that.
Other than that, I've just been trying to hold myself together while I've been sick and had a lot to do. I think I totally bombed my Motivation & Emotion exam. That sucks... But that's just how things go sometimes. Tonight is ATW, and I really wish I could get superdrunk, but alas, I think I'm still too sick. I probably won't drink much if at all. Sadness ensues.
Other things are good. So far. We'll see. MR next weekend. I'm the producer... heavy pressure! This is gonna be a long weekend. Lots to do. We'll see if I can get better though, that comes first. For now, I go. Pce.
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
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3:38 pm - Post-exam-rape amusements...
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Kith 01: now i hunger, and lack very much to prepare and call "food"
DressedToThNines: as do i, as do i
Kith 01: it's an annoying perdicament
DressedToThNines: what are your shoes made out of?
Kith 01: rubber and canvas?
DressedToThNines: hm
DressedToThNines: belt?
Kith 01: leather and metal of some sort? aluminum i would guess.
Kith 01: i fail to see where you're going with this. if, of course, you're going anywhere.
DressedToThNines: i'd go with the belt, if i were you
DressedToThNines: maybe its got some minerals in it
DressedToThNines: like zinc
DressedToThNines: i hear zinc is good for you
Kith 01: hahahahahaha
Kith 01: i see
Kith 01: i'm taking a cough syrup with codiene and eating jello instead.
Kith 01: i hear codiene is good for you
DressedToThNines: well, you won't be out a belt. at least not from eating it.
Kith 01: it's true.
Kith 01: though i might be more apt to give it to an elf.
Kith 01: because i might be more apt to see elves.
DressedToThNines: they are shrewd little bastards
Kith 01: shrewd?
Kith 01: try fucking vicious, cunning, and bankrupt of all morals
DressedToThNines: i think you're getting a little carried away
Kith 01: maybe i just have a grudge
Kith 01: but hey, i still say worse things about paige, and she never stole my shoes in the night.
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2003
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11:27 am - My precious moments.
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"He says to me, why do you keep having to go to court?"
"Because god hates you, Norah."
And on a more bitter note:
"This is the world where faeries come to die."
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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6:11 pm - Substance
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Well... this will be the first time in a short while I'll have written an entry of some substance. Actually, i say that now, and it will probably turn out to suck. Meh.
I'm at work right now. How very exciting. I was up most of the night writing a paper for Ideas of Nature. It's an incredible class. I'm so glad I'm taking it. Though I will admit I have no idea exactly what it is Dr. Goff expects from us... But I did the paper anyway as well as I felt I could express myself, and I'll see next week if she thinks it was good, ok, or crap. I also couldn't get to writing until kind of late... John (Dags) didn't belive me when I said that I'm not the sort of person who can just start writing. I have to think. I had a couple hour discussion (over IM since he's in Germany) with Kalju about intellectual topics, and then I settled in to write shortly before the sun started to rise. I was done my paper in a half hour. It wasn't a research paper, so I didn't need major references. It was only 4 pages, not major, but he really didn't belive I could just write something in short order. I just have to go through a thinking stage before I can write properly. Then again, all in all, I don't even know if I actually said anything coherant, but, whatever. Over now. If it sucks, she'll fail me or tell me to rewrite it.
I had a meeting at 8:30 this morning... heh. I definitely slept instead. I only got to sleep an hour before I would have had to get up for it. Hell no! I slept until almost 11:30 when I had class... Still not a ton of sleep, but oh well. Class was a really good discussion. Then my second class of the day was boing as hell, but that's life. I doodled.
I'm at work now. Whee. I have a club meeting later tonight. That'll be fun. Hopefully the weather won't be too shatty tonight, because we're supposed to have an MR meeting tomorrow... we'll see how that goes. Keep your fingers crossed, kids.
Victoria and I did the pledge issue of the Pin and Key last night. Ok, I'll admit that she did most of the actual work on the issue. Jesus. It makes me feel like grandpa. It really does. When I was a freshman and sophomore, I couldn't even begin to comprehend seniority... Now I'm the guy who knows how to do stuff. The GP, AZ, leadershit, general Cookie crap... How the hell did I turn into that? I guess it's the first step, though. I think I'm kind of heading in the right direction. I dunno, we'll see what happens.
When we were doing the issue, though, I went into total little bro withdrawl. Cindy's obviously a brother now, so I no longer have a little who's pledging. And I missed Fright Night for Paradox Cafe... In retrospect, that may have been a mistake, but no way to know. Still, I feel utterly disconnected from the pledge class, and I have to make that up. That's why after the meeting tomorrow I'm definitely going to the toga party, and to the food bank on saturday morning. I really feel like I am one of those people who's getting old and starting to fade away. I never needed a title or anything to shine before, so I really don't need one now. I have to remember what it really is I put into AZ and what I like about it so that I can make that come through again. I still want to be able to pass certain things down to the pledges... We'll see how that works out. I'd best get asked to sign some books this semester, or there will be anger. I will make it a point to become available to them. I don't like feeling so disconnected... Withdrawl = bad.
I may not be quite so behind in my academics as I thought I was. Now, I'll probably be singing a different tune next week when my string of exams start, I'm worrying about the MR event and I'm trying to save Rutgers... I'll probably be tearing my hair out then, but for now, I think things are ok.
I won't be going to Modern this saturday... Instead, I'm probably going to go to TCNJ and play politics! We are working on editorials, letters to the editor and advertisements to put in local media about the NJ budget situation relative to higher education... Justin and Rachel wanted me to come along cuz, well, I'm the token Journalism major. I think that's the best way I have to contribute, though... My schedule makes it tough to get to all the rallies - as today proved when I missed the Brower rally - and I think this is much more my field of experience. So I really want to try to help out there.
Anywho, I've filled up enough bullshit here... I should go do something else for a bit while I'm at work. Then after today, I need to get to work on MR, and get to work on studying for the exams that start next week. Woo... :P Ah well.
Toods for now.
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