Christian A. Gilligan's LiveJournal

Subject:	Time x Distance = Misery
Time:	9:53 pm.
Mood:	Just got better!.
Music:	Sarah Brigtman- Only an Ocean Away.

Been ENTIRELY too long since I last posted, and I've really wanted to. That's pretty much the balance of my life right now: so much to do or not do, and no choice in the matter. Still, I have these few moments to enjoy a CD, a Hot Pocket, and a Coke before a short power nap and an 8-hour shift from midnight till 8. That's HST to ya'll Easties, so It's closer to a real bracket of time to you.

I have accumulated people to miss back home, and everywhere in general. I miss them all, and the distance does nothing to dull the ache of loneliness. They know who they are, and if they don't, ::Smack:: they should. I wish I had more time for them all. I wish I had more time for me. I wish I had any time at all. ::Sigh::

Still, it's another week of hell here on The Rock, and I'm edging my way past the Stupid Department as best as I am capable. I swear, the committee of evil is watching my schedule and sticking more idiotic shit where I can't deal with it. Three more years of this mess and I get to come home for good. Ah, freedom. I think I have a vague idea of what a short-time prison inmate feels like. I've got some criminals in here with me. Most say they preferred prison.

I have to go now. My Megan is here! Yay!

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Departure Stations
Time:	2:14 am.
Mood:	excited.
Music:	NIN- Happiness in Slavery.

Almost home. In sixteen hours I'll be at Honolulu International getting ready to fly home for the first time in almost a year. I haven't seen my friends, my family, and the rest of the Floridian Paradigm in a long, long time. I'm going to go to the Keys. I'll see people I may not have seen in years. I'll fight the good fight at Amtgard. I'll even get to enjoy an espresso shake vanilla at the Underground while, hopefully, some high-speed poet is entertaining me. Perhaps I'll judge that night. Maybe I'll present. Maybe.

And still, it feels there's something missing. I'd be lying if I said I don't know what. But I don't want to dwell on that. I'm going to think about all the outstanding, positive things I'm going to experience in just two weeks. I'm going to have a fucking blast, and there ain't a thing anyone in the world can do to stop me.

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Subject:	Comment on This?
Time:	8:23 pm.

Hell, I DO like a little feedback every ONCE in a while, just so I don't feel like my friends are skimming my crap so I don't waste their precious time. What friends YOU are. Pah!

Meanwhile, support and logistics are falling apart at our camp, a sign of the coming withdrawal from Thailand. And not a moment too soon. I'm in the negatives, AGAIN, and it's getting a little tight on the wallet here. Gonna be a FUN week, I tell you.

Still, I'm glad to be going home HOME! In three weeks time, I'm flying HOME! YES! Presents for them, running water for me. A fair trade if ever there was one.

Tried the Match thing on TheSpark.com, and I've actually talked to some pretty decent women there. It seems some young ladies actually PREFER intelligent, witty individuals such as myself. It's a pity there's no real-world application of this, but hell, at least I've got a working postulate. I must study further.

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Subject:	We Come Bearing Gifts!
Time:	8:27 pm.

Bangkok: Where you want to go when you need that special something, but you have NO idea what it is and cannot afford to pay out the ass for it. It is also a really fun place to get lost. Assuming, of course, your shoulder width is equal to two of you potential assailants. These people FEAR me. It's too funny.

The Hard Rock cafe. I've come to expect three things from it: decent food, a fun atmosphere, and of course, ROCK MUSIC. I was thoroughly disappointed in all three aspects.

The atmosphere was lame. Locals, over here. You WHITE people...in the corner.

The food was adequate. The burger was a little small, but tasty. May have been dog, but I'll just hope.

The music was PATHETIC. I think we were in the Hard Schlock cafe. Britney, N'Sync, and the Backdoor Boys are NOT rock; nor is Yanni or Kenny G. How the Thais fucked THAT one up so badly I'll NEVER know.

Got some neat stuff for mom, though. I think I've finished my required shopping. The rest is bonus points. Anyone want something? ;-)

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Subject:	Legacies...
Time:	9:02 pm.

So he's dead. Douglas Adams was perhaps one of the funnniest authors ever. Humor of a type so rare it may never come along again. The five book trilogy that spoofed ITSELF. I don't count the Holisitc Detective Agency as a part of the main entity. But between those novels, the BBC miniseries, and the sharing of "inside' jokes with friends, I will never forget the writings of this silly, wonderful man.

And that's perhaps a two-way street. Just as I have been indelibly affected by his incredible wit, so too will he never be forgotten. by myself as well as innumerable others. A truly outstanding legacy.

And that's all we can ask for in life. That we be remembered; that someting of us carries on when we no longer can. I worry about this constantly. With no wife, no children, no one special in my life, I am in constant fear of death. Not because I fear death, but because I don't want to blink out of existence without a trace, and with none to mourn me.

Douglas Adams, God bless his soul, has no similar problems. Devoid of all else, he has millions of fans worldwide who cherish his work, and who will pas the joke along, I'd imagine, for generations to come.

A toast to Douglas Adams. Thanks for the memories. We salute you.

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Subject:	One and the Blade
Time:	9:39 pm.

I'm thinking of writing a story with that as the title. I was thinking about my fixation with the sword. Of all weapons, even ranged ones, I still prefer the sword. A good longblade to a rifle anyday. I tend to find myself walking with my right hand in position as if on the hilt of some imaginary weapon. As if I were ready to draw steel at a moment's notice.

Something about a stout blade...it's more than a weapon, it's what weapons all begin as...a tool. It can be used to slay an enemy, of course. It can also be used to focus the mind and body, to take all the shit in the world and push it away with zen-like single-mindedness. To swing that steel, the rhythmic pattern of the arm become metal, and extension of the body than can take or spare life as a matter of will.

Something about the skill required to parry, thrust, swing...the discipline to control your attack, the fancy footwork required to avoid maiming... The personal touch.

Guns make killing too easy. Murder would be far less common in a world where one was required to look his quarry in the eye, to force a blade into his or her body and make them bleed until they die. To watch life flicker, fade...fail. Not just roll by and rat-tat-tat-tat. Cowardice.

I think it's probably harder to describe warrior feelings. Love has so much public discourse than turning it into words is realatively easy. People are usually too squeamish to speak of death.

Pathetic.

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Subject:	Wretched Hive of Scum and Villiany
Time:	9:25 pm.

So I overuse the line. Shoot me.

It is an inevitable fact of life that the desperate turn to desperate measures, and this I understand. The drive to survive is a dominant instinct in most living things. It can make us do things we would otherwise avoid like the plague. Foul acts like killing, wading through a river of raw sewage, or prositution are things I group into this extreme.

So why do these people, in no particularly warranting situation, sell their bodies for money?

I know I'm not the most experienced or street-savvy guy on the block, but I do cringe from the idea that one can sell their body for mere monetary gain. To a total stranger...to perform an act I personally reserve for those I care most deeply for. If my values are a bit ancient in that respect, so be it. I still cannot shake the fact that something definitely feels WRONG here.

A father attempted to sell his daughter to us. Not a night with his daughter, his daughter, lock stock and barrel, for a few thousand baht. Something about that offends my humanity. It touched me deep down and makes me feel cold, like somewhere along the line, these people went wrong and we probably helped them begin this downward spiral...

I just watched another soldier load into the elevator with a scantily clad Thai girl. I wonder if perhaps she's here to do his laundry? ;-) No...no, I think he purchased a soul for an evening without blinking.

I bet he tried to barter, too.

Human beings at discount prices...

My God, what are we doing?

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Subject:	My Job is a Sham!
Time:	9:02 pm.

My job is the biggest waste ever. My day consists of...

0630: Wake up. This involves rolling off my cot, staring at the cement floor for a minute, then slowly donning BDUs. This will be half the work I do all day.

0700: Arrive on site, perform checks and police call. This is a lie, cause I just SAW him gas up
the jenny and the trash is in the bag. I don't know what any of the rest of the
equipment does.

0710: Power up the PS2 and start playing Final Fantasy IX. This will consume most of the next
eight hours, save for the viewing of some high-speed video or DVD movie, like Princess
Mononoke or Boondock Saints. I will eat once or twice, drink 1d4+1 Cokes, and about a
half gallon of water.

14:45: Swing shift arrives. Save game, refuel the Jenny, grab my crap, leave. This concludes
the business day.

This is what I trained 27 week plus for. Curious why? So am I. Army of One. ::Sigh::

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Subject:	On the Nature of God and Cheese Fries
Time:	10:40 pm.

First off, let me begin with the following disclaimer...

I do NOT associate God with cheese fries in any way, save for that is is in all likely hood that God created cheese fries, or someone who would, because they are kick ass. Furthermore, I do not trivialize the nature of the Supreme Being for my own purposes, but it IS a really cool header. Anyway, here we go...

-The Management

I was reading another post, as I am oft to do, and the subject of God came up in it. Of course, things as they are here, I began thinking of my various philosophies on God and the nature of the universe, and decided to post them for your personal edification. Let me begin with the meaning of life.

The meaning of life is, as I've discovered, to discover the meaning of life.

That may sound like circular logic, but hear me out: Why are we here? Darwin says your job is to fuck and die. More apporpriately, that you should fuck, and die, and then your progeny should also fuck and die. You don't win until your child fucks. Successfully. ;-)

Well, I don't accept that. I prefer a higher mandate. Remember, there is no preprogamming in religion. God is not a fact, he/she/it is a CHOICE. If God was not a choice, there would be no faith and thus no God, so never take out your inadequecies on others. God has none, and so you and God should be enough for both of you. That Crusades/conversion by the sword bullshit gave the Lord a bad enough rap. Let's just try and stick to the Word, shall we?

And what is The Word. By now, some dolt has stated the Bible. I will kindly ask that person to sit the fuck down and cease speaking. The Word is the basic idea of how the world SHOULD run according to God. It goes something like this: Don't do bad stuff. It's an oversimplified statement, but the idea is clear and simple, as God created all things. MAN complicates shit. God is my kind of creator...everything starts SIMPLE, and remains so given that do dumb human bastard swings in to codify, change, and complicate an otherwise lovely simplicity.

And you KNOW what God is talking about. Killing? Bad. Stealing? Bad. Are there circumstantial cases in which either is acceptable? Yes. And it SHOULD be that simple in that case. He's going to stab you with that knife. Did you do anything to him? No? Then put him down with that .45 ACP. He's a bad person. Family is starving and you've no food and no way to acquire any any other way? Well, go ahead THIS time, but get a damn job. Is it more complicated than that? Sure. That's how we made it.

Another this is this His and Him shit. Stop trying to index God. God is not a man. God is not a woman. God is not a person. God created humanity. In his own image? Well, maybe, but if I carve a statue, in my own image, it is not a man, just as I am not a statue. So stop trying to figure God out. You can't. You shouldn't. Here's why.

1) If you don't believe in God, then why bother? It's a waste of time and effort. Unless you're trying to debunk him and fuck with people. Christians, Muslims, whomever. Now, again, I personally am not a subscriber to any established religion, nor do I hold ill will toward any. But I certainly hold faith in God. I also know MANY atheists, satanists, whatever. Stop this crazy shit. If you aren't buying into it, then go the fuck away and stop bothering those of us who do. It shows that you have a lack of conviction in your lack of conviction.

2) For those of you WITH faith, faith is enough. As long as you acknowledge the Lord in your way; and remember, God knows when you are with him, because God is with you; then will you know the love of your Creator, and all is good. It is not important to know or attempt to discern human characteristics in a being beyond our boundaries or comprehension. Accept the love, trust, and fivine grace of the Lord and carry on in your life.

I am not a religious man, in the traditional sense of the word. I AM a religious man in MY sense of the word. I hold an abiding love and faith in God and do as I feel is best. I try to be a better person, and carry out each day knowing that all is known to God. I force none of my beliefs on others, nor will I abide by those who force themselves on me.

If you've ever seen Dogma, you'll catch one of the smartest things I've ever heard on the subject.

Don't form a belief on it; just a good idea.

I think I have a pretty good idea.

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Subject:	Life and Television
Time:	10:11 pm.

I woke up from an accidental loss of consciousness to American Pie today. I don't know why watching that movie makes me so nostalgic. Whether it's who I saw it with, or if it touches home in some way. Or, perhaps, both. Perhaps it's because it's people like those I know doing things with which I was familiar...a reminder of home when I'm so far away, in more than just distance...

George Carlin says that home is an abstract concept; an idea. Indeed, I think I've come to realize that home, as I consider it home, is not solely my lovely house in Boynton, nor that little neighborhood that was once large enough for daily adventure...

Home, as formatted into my limited mind, seems to be a snapshot; an image in stone of things as they were before THE CHANGE. Renee is still waiting for me. My friends have not yet scattered to the winds. Lisa's gonna call me in to work at some absurd hour, and Ultrasound is going to go apeshit...AGAIN. I can count on Katie being late and Justin disappearing, and I most definitely know that the car is going to give me trouble.

But it would be HOME, and it was okay. Except I left it because there was no advancement. Renee was finished with high school, I was floating in a sea of my own directionless distress, and no one was going ANYWHERE. So I took a step...

A five-year step. And two of those are GONE. I've times and things and people to remember them by, but they're gone now. Time is a river? Then I'm trapped on Huck's raft, and the water's a BIT too rough for my taste. God forgive me for the mistakes I've made, and I'm sure I'll make more.

How many have I hurt? How many have hurt me? Is it even worth keeping a tally? I forgive, and they forget, so perhaps it's all good? No, they DON'T forget. It seems I'm not the only one with long memory. Tammy certainly didn't forget her hurts when I talked to her first. Perhaps the situation was a bit different...but I wonder if I'm doing any good. I've long touted myself as a good guy, and I belive I am. A helper of others, a friend, a defender, someone to be relied on, to be counted on for whatever was needed. THAT was to be my legacy...

But who remembers? I don't know that I've done any lasting good. Over half the people I've ever met are unlikely to remember even my name. I remember them, but that's just a fluke of good luck. My memory is long, and I think I remember more than I forget. But I cannot hold them responsible.

New theory: perhaps my ability to hold the past in my mind is a direct effect of dwelling there too often? Definitely worth considering.

Well, I think perhaps I've vented enough this evening. I'm going to go read of the platitudes of others, and grieve with them for all that the world has thoughtlessly inflicted upon good people.

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Subject:	Of Time and Trivialities
Time:	8:49 pm.

How will I explain to Saint Peter if I die here that I'm actually a day early? I crossed the international date line to come to Thailand, so logically, I must go back across it to go home. But if I for some reason buy it in this snoggy little mushpit, I'll be at the Pearly Gates a day early....

I wonder if they plea bargain...

But, knowing I had exactly 24 hours back on earth before my death caught up with me, what would I do? Hmm....

Also, here's a thought I had today. Consistently am I questioning my nature, but not usually the choice many make to be someone else. To hide by not really being there in the first place. I'm an odd one myself, and all too often, people are trying to change me. My new, official policy is as follows: "If I can't be me, I've no right trying to be anyone else". Personally, I've no INTEREST in being anyone else, but it seems some people aren't content in their own damn skin.

Of course, I'm not much in the way of flesh anymore either. I really can't discern a whole lot of emotion in my life anymore, except for the erratic crying, depression, or just general malaise I tend to feel without warning or respite.

And still, I'm a hopeful, generally upbeat person. The fuck?

I think maybe I should save up for a good shrink. I may not learn anything new, but it might be good for a laugh, at least.

Solitude Standing...

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Subject:	Still in the game...
Time:	10:00 pm.

Your on-the-spot reporter here in Thailand, and DAMN, is it hot and shitty. Forecasts for hot and shitty weather for the duration, and did I mention I'm living in a barracks that makes the Y look like a fucking 5-star hotel. While most of the division IS staying in a five-star hotel.

Things here don't cost a DAMN thing, though, the conversion rate being about 45 Thai baht to the dollar. Your average $5 meal at home is about 85 baht here, or less than $2. Similar saving can be found everywhere, including their sex market. While I have not personally partaken of this particular discount service, I'm assured that the price is "just right".

Regardless of the country's down points, like its vast collection of unique odors, it's at least a friendly place to visit, the shopping is pretty top flight, and the atmosphere is certainly one-of-a-kind. You can probably get by here, minus flight costs, for less than a grand. And live like a king.

I am, however, a miserable wreck. Why? Beacause I'm stupid.

1) I'm STILL trying to figure out how to get home on time, and afford the plane ticket, for K8E's birthday. I made a promise, and I'll be damned if I fail to come through because I didn't try hard enough. She'll understand, I'm sure, abut I don't want her to have to. My sister deserves better.

2) Still haunted by the memories of one long gone. Why the HELL can't I get her out of my fucking head? Because there's nothing to replace the hole she left when she destroyed me, perhaps? Or maybe she really was my soul mate and I fucked it up? Perhaps it's just because I haven't been with a woman in almost two years and she's the last thing I knew of love. Perhaps there is something physiologically or neurologically WRONG with me.

I don't know the why or how, but I DO know that this must, somehow, end. I cannot live this way forever, and I've no wish to try. No, I'm not going to die from it or any insane, overdramatic horseshit like that. But it impedes my humanity to always feel EMPTY, to consistently feel a sense of loss, and have no alternative but to endure. "Endure; in enduring, grow strong"...but all things collapse eventually, and so shall I. I'd rather it be later than sooner.

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Subject:	Question Everything
Time:	10:23 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	Moody Blues- Out There Somewhere.

Another motto of mine. I've come to the conclusion that he with the most good ideas wins, and a good motto is a good idea. So today, I vindicated this one by proving that just cause everyone ELSE isn't using that ATM, it doesn't mean I shouldn't. Boy did THEY feel dumb.

My question for now, though, is: How do you know if you've met THE ONE (TM)? Will you? Is there more than one? What happens if you had them, and lost them? What happens if you never find them? I'm hoping for credit forward on that. I have a feeling my last couple lives were pretty damn unfulfilling as well, so maybe I'm due for a couple good shots at true happiness, or at least a reasonably good facsimile thereof. But I'd give everything I have and ever will for her. Whoever she is.

Come to me, my love. Make me whole again...

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Subject:	Alright, so I'm a saint?
Time:	7:49 pm.

So I took the personality test. Twice. ::Shrug::

Hey, Christian, you're a Chosen One!

Wherever you go, you leave a trail of rose petals in your wake. You may even have been Gandhi in a former life. Warm, giving, knowing, and patient, people try to get mad at you, but they feel terrible about it later. As a child, you easily could have convinced your entire class to stage a sit-in against the math teacher, but you're too sweet. Perky and armed with tons of self-confidence, you're not afraid to actively pursue your goals and dreams.

As if all that weren't enough, you pretty much set the standard for emotional health. You practically ooze positive feelings and energy. You don't worry about minor faults but recognize both your strengths and weaknesses. Your generally upbeat mood means it takes a lot to really bring you down. And you're no fair-weather friend. You care about people, and you see them through the good times and bad.

At work, you're very reliable and responsible. You bring in baked goods for your co-workers and always return phone calls (even to telemarketers). You'd be a great person in an emergency. Plus, you're really excited about your work (go, team!), and your personal commitment to finishing what you start means you're a great leader. So get out there and do the world some good!

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