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[13 Feb 2004|02:38pm] |
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as a wise roommate once said, "cheese is good for the soul..."
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[12 Feb 2004|10:40pm] |
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with love . dotted across the sky, little beams of light. dotted across her face, orangey speckles, shining, in the morning. like the sun through your window pane, all wavy in the aged glass. like your leg, bumping my leg, bumping your leg. like a smile, unintentionally pushing across those lips. with love, she signs. dotted on all those i's , in her letters , in the words that drip from her lips. like laughing, laying, lying there. like me, all red , and you, all green. complementary, says the art student. neutralizing, like they're made to be mixed, and they're made to make a mess. duality. done. do. don't. dive in, sweetie. dive. and secrets. hide away the hidden. believe because, you don't believe. because words are just words. and they're made to make a mess.
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[12 Feb 2004|10:08pm] |
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mmm , mmm , vagina monologues.
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[12 Feb 2004|09:53pm] |
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anyone know when the one act is ?
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[11 Feb 2004|11:54pm] |
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' round and round and round in the circle game . '
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[11 Feb 2004|06:13pm] |
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moment : music loud, studio. sanding, scratching, smiling. thinking : this is what i should be doing. this is what makes me happy. and it was like the world started spinning the other way. i felt like i was doing something right. i feel like i'm doing something right.
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[02 Feb 2004|11:54pm] |
thoughts while revisiting the past-ish. i used to not believe in love . i believed, yes , you could have love for someone, you could love a person. there was no 'in love' , though. there was no profound , earth-shattering love. there wasn't even a earth-shaking, earth-slightly-rumbling love.
and now, i think of love with a capital l . i think of love as infinite, eternal. it's one of those higher forms of energy that cannot be destroyed. i think my world may revolve around the whole idea , now. either way, it has a signifigance. a suprising importance.
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[02 Feb 2004|04:19pm] |
mixed up , mashed up , messed up girl . thinkthinkthink. what are you thinking. why aren't you thinking. what were you thinking. why . why are(n't) you feeling. what . fuck. fucked. sleep? please. solitude > loneliness? solitude > enlightment ? solitude > no love ? ... solitude > no love > lonliness > enlightenment ? no, no love > no life. missmissmiss. moosh. / and left is left and right is left and down is left, too. there is no direction. who made direction. / close your eyes. close your eyes, girl, and fall back into that piano. fall back into the water one more time hoping someone will grab your hand, sweep you up in the deep dark of the night . / can't swallow, so swallow hard . hold it down. hold on tight. this isn't ending for awhile. make it end. create: end. deal. alone. / and you, the queen of simplifying, of stating, of realizing. you're the one who can't actualize, manifest, materialize your own abstract wishes and wants and needs. you need. / there's something to be said for intensity. sometimes, it's a beautiful thing. but it's everything you need not , right now. you need calm. maybe you need an intense calm. maybe you need not a drunken stupor. you certainly need no boys, no lovers. have none. want none. actualize. follow through. this is of your own volition. (which is really counter-intuitive when pondering your actions). think. why aren't you thinking. /
i read a story once . girl with lipstick writing across her mirror : life is the big romance. and yes, so cheesy. yes, so true. have i really forgotten beauty. have i forgotten love. [capital b + l] . and why. / maybe i misread my mind. maybe she and i are on different pages in the same book. different lines of the same definition. / freedom . and self-imposed restrictions. freedom through these restrictions? impossibility . why am i always going about life in the most awkward fashion. am i such an awkward girl. why am i clinging, why holding, why . / i want my world to scream of anything but dissonance. everything but dissonance. harmonize, world, harmonize. balance. make sense. sound beautiful. feel beautiful. please?
i keep saying i need to step back. i need to be alone. i need to think. i need .i need. i need. and i do need , but what. (no question marks). maybe these are steps to find some something in my life. no, not my life -- to find some something in me. so maybe i've been lying, but i didn't mean it. i didn't mean to. i just didn't know the truth. i don't know the truth. i want the truth [capital t]. / i want to know what i need.
i want to taste the sky. i want grass between my toes. head, stop aching. remember and learn. learn. / there's little optimism right now. it's buried . i buried it. / pull your hat down over your ears. breathe in, breathe deep . sink into the air. and the warmth. and the cold. / maybe you just need new. new words. barefeet. new . maybe you're just running away. we know you're good at that , too. / stop hurting: a definite. [how+who] . pull into yourself . faith (in no god, in everything) . smile . laugh . cry .
i want to get away . to another place that screams of different. of freshness and newness and beauty. just for a bit. just to remember what it tastes like. / uncomfortability in yourself. by yourself. in your current state. / love. you can still melt into the way the light pushes through the windowpane. there's hope yet. buried. / faith. what and why and realness . what is realness. tangibility . grasp onto it. let go of it. what is it . /
infinite.
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[26 Jan 2004|01:07am] |
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and one year . life cycles. ja .
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[25 Jan 2004|11:32pm] |
pieces :
so , instead of speaking for awhile, i'll listen. and instead of teaching, i'll learn. and the 'key' to all this is the letting. the anti-resistence -- what i shall become (?) . / i can bend in the wind. i can let the world push me in the direction that it deems right. and i can trust that things will be alright. i believe in okayness. i believe in contentment [capital c] . ( because , when it really comes down to it, trees = love . [definitely capital l] )
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[23 Jan 2004|11:23am] |
a little snipet:
'uncertainty has taken me over' / and that's the sort of thing you're good at planting. these sorts of things into my head. self-doubt (capitalized). (doubtwillkillyou, she always cried.) and there's some unrecognized, incomprehensible importance to same self (with two capital s's), in chocolate-to-the-core. / i feel that fading. i feel something fading. i can remember, i was like this girl with a light inside. i was like that santa that you put on your doorstep when christmas rolled around. there was a glow, and i know, it's just a flicker now. i remember what it was like to be bright. shiny. i remember what it was like to be a princess. it's like, i've lost my crown and my hairs are a little messy. and if i could just find my pretty little tiara, if i could just find my light, i'd be fine, (i'd be beautiful). i'd be full of princessy goodness. but, i have no clue where to start. i am , indeed, lost. and i just miss the twinkle that was always kicking around, i miss that vague memory. and what good does that do me? i have no clue where to start looking .
------ pause
continuing always. unsure of your unsolid footing. of the not-so-stable ground you're stepping on. i really need to evolve into myslf, i think. i really need to remember what it feels like to inhale. ... remember who you are . no , discover who you will be . let yourself . evolve .
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[20 Jan 2004|08:11pm] |
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always rolling in with the punches . and this time, i'm just not swinging back . my hands hurt, so hard .
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[18 Jan 2004|07:17pm] |
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always getting herself into these situations.
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[14 Jan 2004|08:46am] |
mmm . i heart college . and walking campuses .
Severe Weather Alert from the National Weather Service
...CENTRAL PENOBSCOT ME-CENTRAL WASHINGTON ME-COASTAL HANCOCK ME- COASTAL WASHINGTON ME-INTERIOR HANCOCK ME-NORTHERN WASHINGTON ME- SOUTHERN PENOBSCOT ME-SOUTHERN PISCATAQUIS ME- 409 AM EST WED JAN 14 2004
... WIND CHILL WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT THROUGH THURSDAY NIGHT...
NORTHWEST WINDS OF 20 TO 30 MPH WILL COMBINE WITH BITTERLY COLD TEMPERATURES TO PRODUCE WIND CHILLS OF 35 TO 50 BELOW ZERO THROUGH THURSDAY NIGHT. IN ADDITION TO THE BITTER COLD TEMPERATURES TODAY... THERE WILL BE CONSIDERABLE BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW. THIS WILL REDUCE VISIBILITIES TO LESS THAN A MILE AT TIMES. MOTORISTS ARE URGED TO USE CAUTION WHILE TRAVELING TODAY.
A WIND CHILL WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN A STRONG WIND WILL COMBINE WITH COLD TEMPERATURES TO CREATE DANGEROUSLY COLD CONDITIONS FOR EXPOSED SKIN. THE WIND WILL MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS 35 DEGREES BELOW ZERO OR COLDER FOR A PERIOD OF SEVERAL HOURS. THOSE PLANNING TO VENTURE OUTDOORS SHOULD USE COMMON SENSE AND DRESS WARMLY... MAKING SURE THAT ALL EXPOSED SKIN IS COVERED.
...
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[13 Jan 2004|09:35pm] |
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sometimes you just need to turn the music up real loud and chat with a best bud . sometimes that's the only way to maintain your sanity.
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[07 Jan 2004|10:31am] |
gah , so what have i done with this break ? what have i done with my life. it seems like a whole lot of nothing and a few little somethings thrown in between. a whole lots of reflecting to come to small conclusions. a whole lot of seaching and about zero finding. that's okay though. that's okay with me.
i know that i like the sun in my hair. and being barefoot. (and i know that this snow doesn't lend itself to such things). i like looking and seeing. breathing. your lips against my lips (too many lips, probably). learning. loving. i miss you, and sometimes i like missing you. i miss running. like homemade blankets and, mmm, hot soup. dinner dates. and laughing. driving. how the clouds cast shadows on the trees. and being (alone) -- so easily undervalued. i want , and that will always be true. but i do, i know lots. i know i like living, i like taking a deep breath and feeling the air fill my lungs. and i suppose that, that's the most valuable one.
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[05 Jan 2004|10:01pm] |
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okay rocky kids, here we go : wednesday , here (aka , my house) ... 7ish? sound good?
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