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Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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7:32 pm
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I think I am getting depressed again. I hate this. I have been trying to alter my daily schedule, keep myself busy, and not listen to sappy music...but I don't think its working. I need somebody. Even though Chris is kind of an asshole now,I even miss him. And I failed my microeconomics midterm...ya. The girl who has never failed a test her life. BLAH
Some good that has come out of this is that I have decided what I want, what will make me happy. I want a guy, someone I can talk to and cuddle with and who knows everything about me. I love that. Chris and I were like that for a short time, I miss it. I want someone who will watch cheesey horror movies with me, and who is human enough to cry on my shoulder if he needs to. I wonder where he is...if he is even out there. Woe is me...
current mood:  blah
current music: Deftones - Adrenaline
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| Monday, May 6th, 2002
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9:17 pm - How embarrasing..
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So in politics today we got our midterms back. Before we even took the test my prof informed us that the test was going to be curved. OK, anyway, he runs into the classroom late, as usual and this is the first thing he says. "OK, highest grade in the class, Sam." I know I do well at these type of things, but its not really something I like everyone to know, now everyone hates me...I have to be "that smart girl" now. I'm not really that smart though, I don't understand why people think I am. There is so much I don't know or even understand. I always think I am dumb, dumb meaning there is more that I should know at any given time. Oh, the reason this is so embarassing is because Chris #2 is in that class....droool. I still haven't found out whether he is of age or hetero yet, but things are looking up. And LORD is he gorgeous, and gorgeous isn't always a word we can use for males =)
I wish I was better at artsy type stuff, just being logical is kind of depressing. I have been thinking about playing music again, thats something I am good at. I think I should buy a guitar, maybe over the summer. Then When I'm sad I can just play sappy songs and cry... Maybe then I won't be such a psycho-bitch all the time...
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Murder City Devils
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| Sunday, May 5th, 2002
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1:18 pm - Bodies
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Cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
Come into my life forever
The crumbled cities stand as known
Of the sights you have been shown
Of the hurt you call your own
Love is suicide
The empty bodies stand at rest
Casualties of their own flesh
Afflicted by their dispossession
But no bodies ever knew
Nobodys
No bodies felt like you
Nobodys
Love is suicide
Now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace
You can't help deny forever
The tragedies reside in you
The secret sights hide in you
The lonely nights divide you in two
All my blisters now revealed
In the darkness of my dreams
In the spaces in between us
But no bodies ever knew
Nobodys
No bodies felt like you
Nobodys
Love is suicide
current mood: lonely
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| Friday, February 15th, 2002
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6:20 pm - YUCK!!
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Valentines Day absolutely sucked! I got to see Chris and I wanted to talk to him sooo bad about "us" but he informed me that his uncle had a heart attack and may die in the next few days *AND his entire stereo got stollen out of his car...it was worth $6000. So he is in a SHITYY mood... Poor Chris.
We are probably going to hangout tonight, I hope. I'm going to try to make myself all pretty and get him back =) I think its possible because all of the reasons he gave for breaking up we could have worked on... Its definately worth it to me, I just have to find out if it is for him.
School is OK, I really don't like the way my physics teacher teaches though. Whenever I ask a question he never gives me an answer that works, he just expects us to know. Plus he gives us all of the even problems out of the back of the book and we never discuss them, so I never know whether I am doing anything wrong or not. Grrr, why can't he just give us some odd problems so we can have some answers so we will KNOW when we are doing something wrong!!!
My cat will not stop getting on my clean clothes, what a biatch!! Speaking of new clothes, I got some new bras and underware today, they made me happy. OH, I also got my belly button pierced when I was down in Utah...its really cool, speaking of which I need to go soak it in sea salt!
current mood:  anxious
current music: Bad Religion - All Ages
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
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7:42 pm - Words can't describe...
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...how I feel right now. Chris broke up with me on Monday night. On the phone no less. I had called him to tell him that I really did love him, that it was no joke. You know how sometimes when someone says "I love you" you kind of get caught up in it and say it back, then you start believing it yourself. Well, thats how it started out, I mean I did love him initially, how he made me feel. But I just realized that I loved him, who he really is and all he has achieved... Then he broke up with me. He just didn't feel the same way. I cried almost nonstop for two days, and I almost puked when I realized that he was breaking up with me. I have never loved anyone before...god, I am so crushed right now. We are going to remain good friends, but he was the perfect boyfriend, for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. Isn't that sad that when you call someone to tell them this they dump you? I guess thats the story of my life...
I think I am just going to go out and do a lot of partying and meet a bunch of new guys. Not that they will necessarily mean anything to me or that I am seeking revenge on Chris, I just need something to help me get my mind off of the fact that I have just lost everything I have ever wanted.
I miss him so much...
current mood: crushed
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7:42 pm - Words can't describe...
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...how I feel right now. Chris broke up with me on Monday night. On the phone no less. I had called him to tell him that I really did love him, that it was no joke. You know how sometimes when someone says "I love you" you kind of get caught up in it and say it back, then you start believing it yourself. Well, thats how it started out, I mean I did love him initially, how he made me feel. But I just realized that I loved him, who he really is and all he has achieved... Then he broke up with me. He just didn't feel the same way. I cried almost nonstop for two days, and I almost puked when I realized that he was breaking up with me. I have never loved anyone before...god, I am so crushed right now. We are going to remain good friends, but he was the perfect boyfriend, for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. Isn't that sad that when you call someone to tell them this they dump you? I guess thats the story of my life...
I think I am just going to go out and do a lot of partying and meet a bunch of new guys. Not that they will necessarily mean anything to me or that I am seeking revenge on Chris, I just need something to help me get my mind off of the fact that I have just lost everything I have ever wanted.
I miss him so much...
current mood: crushed
current music:
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002
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7:39 pm - Forever and a day...
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I don't really write in here much. I guess I started this for when I am feeling lonely. I realized after being with Chris for a while that there was no one really close to me before. My semi-best friend moved to Utah (and I am going to visit her this friday) but we never really talked much anyway... I think it helps to write in here when I don't have anyone to talk to. I usually end up talking to myself, in my head, but things never really work themselves out. I wish I wasn't so self conscious... if I wasn't maybe I could open up to people more and actually have more friends. I am realizing now that I do stupid little things to get attention, but all I really want is for someone to think I am special. I know its a lot to ask...but no one in my life has ever made me feel special. I love my mom to death, and i can't blame her for never being there for me. She raised two girls all by herself. And, considering what we all went through, as individuals and a family, she did very well. I am just starting to be comfortable with myself as an adult. There are things that have happened to me that have screwed me up for life, they are going to be hard to deal with. But Chris has helped me a lot. He has this wonderful ability to make me feel like he will love me unconditionally...you know, if I do something stupid he won't break up with me but use it to learn more about me and grow. I don't know what I would do without him. I really need to tell him that I feel this way. I was planning on doing it tonight, but I think I need to sort my thoughts out, maybe write a few things down. Whenever I try to talk about something serious it always comes out wrong and makes it seem like I feel opposite of how I truly do. I hope I never lose him...I think I am going to write these song lyrics I have been thinking about down, and give them to him...maybe that would explain better how I feel, its all cool and poetic-like. Yes, thats a wonderful idea....contrary to how I speak and compose myself I really do have a poetic mind, I mean, my mind is sensitive to stuff like that. Maybe he will learn more about me than what he reads. Yes, good plan. He is eating dinner with his grandma right now, she flew up to see him for his birthday, I hope he's having a good time.
Its really nice being back in school. I get a TON more exercise just walking from the bus to work and such...and I get less sleep. I think some previous problems with my random depressions was that I was using sleep as a way to escape, but I guess it was working on the negative side for me. Oh well, life is copmplicated.
I think I am going to get stuff ready for Chris and get some homework done. I am leaving for Utah on friday and I want to be caught up with my school work because I won't be back until Tuesday evening. YAY! Snowboarding will be GREAT!
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Tool
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2002
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3:30 pm - Love sucks, but it tastes so good ..
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EPIPHANY
Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
Whole thing to my head and feel it
Wash away 'cause I can't take anymore
Of this, I want to come apart,
or dig myself a little hole inside
Your precious heart
'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
though I always try to hide
And I talk to you like children,
but I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
But its always Raining in my head
- forget all the things
I should have said
- Staind
I thought that Chris was depressed one day because he didn't say anything. When we got in his car he played this song for me...
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| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
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9:11 pm - ACK!
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I am so full. Jeez, I hate Thanksgiving. The only good part is that I get leftovers for a few days =)~ Yummy. Our family isn't even a real family, I don't understand why we force ourselves to sit around and talk. Ick... I would rather be hanging out with my friends and getting hammered.
Chris and I are together =) He's coo... It turns out we do have a lot in common. We got to know eachother really well really fast. I demanded that the whole thing be completely honest, it is so much easier that way. Yay, that means that I haven't been depressed in about a month! I am still getting my weird little flashbacks, in fact I had one just this morning. They are getting stranger and stranger.
I guess today has, overall, been pretty good. I woke up really late at Chris's, went home, took a shower, ate, and then just sat around. I really needed a day to relax and collect my thoughts. I also really need to clean my room... but that bever seems to work no matter how hard I try.
I am really excited about going back to school, I hate feeling so useless and boring. I keep thinking about some of the people I work with and how that is probably what they will be doing for the rest of their lives... I am lucky I have been able to expand my horizons just slightly beyond that.
I think its my friend Sydney's birthday today, hmm, it might be tomorrow. I shouldn't call her tonight anyway, that would be rude. Hopefully she will have a big party... I haven't been partying enough lately. Chris had a party at his place lst week, but since it was there and in an apartment I felt obligated to be quiet and not make a mess.... NO FUN! Oh well, I will find a place to trash one of these days =)~ Ugh, I really need to get my own place...
current mood:  drained
current music: Dido
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| Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
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7:50 pm
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Well, I talked to Chris last night... He actually likes me, strange... He said that he is confused as to how he is going to end up feeling about me in the future, but I think he knows, he just doesn't want to tell me. I understand though, its weird liking someone who is SO different. Hmm...
We ate at Las Margaritas last night (me and some people I work with). It was pretty fun, Shaun is hilarious. He says the most rediculous things and keeps a completely straight face, its great. Ugh, I am so tired. I spept soo long last night... I hate that! I can never get the right amount of sleep.
current mood: nervous
current music: Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
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| Thursday, November 1st, 2001
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7:23 pm - De ja vu...
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OK, more developements concerning Chris. I accidently ended up sleeping at his apartment the other night...and yes, it really was an accident...and we cuddled all night. What am I supposed to take that as? I have never been interested in a guy like him before so I am really in the dark; I have no idea what to expect. Jeez, this always happens to me. The part thats even weirder is that the next day he was completely normal. Usually when that kind of stuff happens I don't see or hear from the guy for a few days to a week...but he is actually being mature about this (dang, whats wrong with him? He must be gay...). Anyway, I am just confused as to where we stand. I really couldn't imagine us being "together," we are just so different. AND I don't even know if thats what he wants or is interested in. I know that if I just ask him he will give me a completely honest answer...but thats just not the way I work. My fear of rejection is just too great. I really hate to have to sit back and wait to see what happens, but I don't think my mental stability will allow for anything more complicated. Dang, we hung out a lot last night too... and he wants me to call him tonight. If I hadn't told him that when I say I'll call I call I wouldn't call him. Woah, it almost seems like I am being the guy in this whole thing...hehe. This always happens to me, I am too chickenshit to bring anything up with a guy so I leave it be. In the past it has proved to fail completely, but I am just hoping that it won't this time. If nothing happens between us I think we will still be really good friends, we get along really well.
current mood:  confused
current music: The Misfits
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| Tuesday, October 30th, 2001
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2:23 am - Holy sht...
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Chris and I just talked on the phone from 8:30 pm until 2:15 am...
Previous long phone discussion 2 hours...
I am going to sleep...
current mood: tired
current music: Tool - Lateralus
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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7:36 pm - =)
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I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! Hehe, I don't even know why. I was feeling really down in the dumps last night so I decided that I would go clothes shopping. Ya know, normal girls always feel good when they shop, I figured it would work for me as well. Well, I DID find the coolest shoes ever though... but I didn't buy them. I have been looking for them FOREVER! They just looked weird on me I guess, it was probably because I was wearing really big pants and the shoes were really small...OH WELL. I did buy 7 cds though...oops! =) But its ok, because 4 of them came in a set, the best set ever... Duh duh duh! The mistfits box set! YAY, I found it for $70...which is a lot but it was soooo worth it. Then I got the doors greatest hits which came with two cds and then a ramones cd that was stolen from me quite a while ago...the best one ever as well. Jeez, I am having such a hard time trying to decide what to listen to.
I get to call Chris later on! He called me at 3 this afternoon and he had only smoked 3 cigarettes, what a good boy... I don't remember whether or not I had written about the smoking deal with him or not, but I'm too lazy right now if I haven't. I am so proud of him... but I don't think I want to smoke 3+ cigs tomorrow, I hate smoking now, except when I am drinking =) I don't think it will matter if I lie about keeping up with him...I'll tell him the truth eventually, and I will ONLY smoke in front of him...hehehe, I am sooooooooooooo evil, I love it.
current mood:  bouncy
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| Friday, October 26th, 2001
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9:15 pm - I'm tired...
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I am so tired of being lonely. I have been single for almost two years now! Its about time something happens for me. The really sad part of my situation is that I am not very close to my family, and I don't really have any close friends anymore. =*( poor me. I never thought that a cute 18-19 yr old girl could be single for SO LONG! Well, my one guy that I thought would work out didn't, and my old best friend just moved to Nevada. I got a cell phone, so I can call him often, but its not the same as him being a short drive away. I am slightly confused as to this new guy that I *think* likes me... Let me start by saying he is different... especially for me. He was raised in a wealthy family and went to a private school. Not that that makes him a bad person, quite the contrary he is very cool... But just odd for me I suppose. Anyway, I can't tell whether he really likes me or not because he has such good manners. If any other guy were to treat me the way he does I would think that he was very serious about me. Anyway, that is slightly annoying. He is a very cool guy though. I am proud about me liking him so much when he is so different. All of the guys I have been with in the past fit a certain description, which of course was not intentional, but as a given the first time you start to like someone different its always a little weird. But its good. I have always tried to be as open minded as possible, and now I think I was actually tested, and I passed, I am open minded, yay me!
Oh, I am so bored now. I just talked to Chris, and for some reason I feel a little better =) He's a nice guy, makes ya feel special. I have been listening to the new Tool album ALL DAY! A friend of mine borrowed it for a long time and I just got it back, I am completely-overly-happy about it.
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one this form I hold now
Embracing you this reality here
This one this form I hold now
So wide-eyed and hopeful
So wide-eyed and hopefully wild
We barely remember what came before this precious moment
We are choosing to be here, right now
Hold on stay inside...
This body holding me reminding me that I am not alone
This body makes me feel eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Ahh, pure loveliness...
current mood: contemplative
current music: Duh...
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| Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
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8:38 pm - Today...
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I went to an MTM (manager meeting) for SBC. Oh man, I guess it was assumed that everyone attending the meeting was a manager, but actually some of us were just certified trainers (like me). Well, I ran into my old district manager from the Westlake cafe where I used to work. That man hated me with a passion. It felt really good to rub it in his face that I was actually there and was advancing in my career. I think the real reason he hated me was that I quit for 3 months after I got my lip pierced so it could heal...what a nerd.
So anyway, this meeting was pretty cool. I found that I really do have a corporate side to me (shh!! don't tell!). I was so excited about the new training manual and all of the stuff that I was going to start on when I got back to the cafe. So, naturally I came back to the cafe. None of the managers were on the schedule for today but I came back to close. So I walk in and the two people that were working were sitting around, not in uniform, just about everything I didn't want them to be doing. Yet, the thing that really pissed me off was that the place was trashed... I feel like such a jerk when I have to tell people that they need to be doing things that they should already know. I wish I was paid for babysitting. I am positive that we could have the best cafe if everyone just took their job a bit more seriously. Oh, and our cafe made the best sales for our third quarter =) and we got our bonuses =) I hope that eventually we can whip these people at our store in shape... all they seem to be concerned with is whether or not they are going to keep their jobs when business slows down. The thing that they don't realize is that the reason I am the one that probably won't get laid off is because I actually do give a shit. Oh well, thats their loss I suppose...
And, I don't really know what to do about this guy I have a little thing for. I thought I was through the stage in my life where I was nervous around guys and unable to talk to them. But this guy is so different from me, its a whole other world almost. Maybe I will just wait it out and see what happens, that has always seemed to work in the past =) Besides, I'm a cute girl, I will always have that to fall back on...
current mood:  predatory
current music: Bad Religon - All Ages
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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12:06 am - AHH...you make my brain bleed...
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Some people, I can't comprehend the pointless ranting...
You depend on other people entirely too much to maintain your own sanity. No one can raise you from your pit of despair but yourself. Friends can serve as a lifeboat in times of need, but that is not their only function. The strength of another person can be inspiring, yet cannot be depended on to make up for your own weakness. The human mind is a dark place, of which not much is known. The causes of happiness/sadness are thought of to complicated and stem from deep roots, but most of the time they are simply created. If you cannot find the strength to overcome within yourself there is no hope of finding it elsewhere. If you want to change, do it. Don't wait for someone else to take the pain away because it is simply no possible.
STOP LOOKING FOR PITY.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Your mom.
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2001
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12:25 pm - Weirdness
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So, this guy I work near in the Market knows my ex boyfriend who lived in Kirkland! That is so strange. They are not really the type of guys that would hangout with eachother... I guess the guy I work by would stop in to get coffee every once in a while at the cafe that my ex worked at. The nerd moved to Vegas though, I can't believe him. Although it does create an opporitunity for me to take a vacation down there, its still Vegas. I honestly don't think that thats a place I would want to be even if I was over 21. I guess my point is, its a very small world.
I have to get up sooo early on Wednesday. I am going to a manager meeting for work, I guess just to help with my training... But anyway, it starts at 8 am, so I am going to drive, but traffic is sooooo bad that early in the morning... Hehe, then I get to come back to work and close.
So, the other night I went to a party with a couple of my friends and ended up crashing at my friend's apartment. Well, I went into work the next day and might I say I was doing very well for being so hammered the night before...anyway the frist thing that is said to me as I walk in is "so I heard you were out until 4 in the morning." Like its everyones business! Thank goodness they didn't know that I spent the night at this person's place. I am finally convinced that if I was ugly or something that none of the guys at work would give a flying f*ck what I did or when I did it. Stupid boys
current mood:  amused
current music: The Misfits
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
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10:48 pm - Ugh...
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My back hurts so bad. I have to pull a 10 hour shift tomorrow too. I don't even want to move right now. I can't even remember what its like to move.
=) Good news, I got a phone, finally. Life is easy now. That is, when you have full use of your back...must be a pinched nerve or something. OH JEEZ! I am even going to have to get up early in the morning to make up for the fact that I can't move that well.
Tired...can't do anything but complain...
One funny thing did happen today though. I laughed so hard it felt like my back was actually breaking, but I couldn't stop. I was talking to this guy I work close to about Rammstein and he said "You know, their lyrics make absolutely no sense." I just stared at him for a few seconds and finally I said "It's in German." He just started cracking up, and at first I thought that he really didn't know it was German (he did though, his German friend translated for him once). I guess it was one of those hilarious moments. See, my worst fear is stupid people, and for a second I though this friend of mine was one of them, one of the helpless ones no less. I guess I looked pretty horrified or something and he couldn't help laughing. Ohhhhh jeez...
Work is so boring, its wonderful. I bet I could read a book read a book within a week, NOT including reading on breaks.
I guess if I wasn't in so much pain I would be happy though...
current mood:  sore
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| Friday, October 12th, 2001
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9:32 pm - HUH?!
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I am AMAZED! Yesterday I took a drag of my friends cigarette and it was the MOST DISGUSTING thing I have ever tasted! I am sooo happy. I haven't even wanted a cigarette for a while now. Very shocking since I am such a creature of habit...you know the drill...hop in the car, light a smoke, get to work, light a smoke. OH! I've been working for two hours already, time for a cigarette. I am still frightening of the lengths I might go for a cigarette when I am drinking...I can be very persistant when I am drunk.
I don't even feel left out of this little smoking circle either. Before I always felt bad for my friends who don't smoke, I mean, WHAT are they supposed to do when everyone goes out for a smoke? I guess thats just one of the things you have to deal with. But now that I am on the other side of the fence I see what a nasty habit it is. It never really seemed so disgusting to me before. OK, so a cigarette every once in a while is fine...calms your nerves, lets your mind wander...but a pack a day? Definately not attractive.
Unfortunately for the past few days breathing has not gotten any easier. I have been sick, and it has actually been harder.
YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  dorky
current music: TOOL
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2001
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8:38 pm - Boys...
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So, its been honestly almost two years since I have been involved with a guy (not mentioning one...who doesn't really count). And now I have two! I have never "dated" before. It has always been I like you, or I really don't like you. One guy is really really shy and sweet, and one is definately not shy but really really preppy =/. I don't think I even want to deal with "dating," it just doesn't register with me. When I think about it, all I see is judgement. Constantly judging this person to see if they meet all your standards. All I want is someone cute to cuddle with after work, thats not asking too much, is it?
Come to think of it, I don't even understant why this preppy boy likes me. I am going to be PISSED if he just thinks I'm cute...How typical would that be? Another thing thats typical...these guys that make no comments toward me unless they're hitting one me get suprized when I have a snappy comeback! WHAT is that about?? I dunno, it seems pretty obvious to me that I am offended that they think nothing more of me than how I look, but somehow its taken personally. AND it seems like everyone else in the world can walk around looking pissed except me. Whenever I look pissed (even though I'm not) I get "don't you ever smile?" "Don't you ever mind you own business???" Damn, especially 40 yr old men.
Hehe, I love it when I get all worked up about these kind of things...I think it definately defines me.
current mood:  crazy
current music: The Misfits (who else?) - Plan 9
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