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Sunday, August 18th, 2002
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3:04 am - diplo-FUCK!
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God, I am such a fuck.
I can't talk at length about it now because I'm still in fuck state. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I just got home from the most horrible place ever. Emotionally horrible. God, god.
Be fucking careful what you fucking wish for, it might come true.
"God," I said, "I'm sick of sitting on this fucking wall not dancing with anybody. I hate being alone like this. Please send somebody my way."
And He did. Oh lord. Within five minutes. I'm such a fucking amazing manifestor. I ask, I get. I have to be in the right state to manifest like that, but when I am, watch out because objects are zooming towards my head from hundreds of miles away, people are swarming me like moths to a porch light, money and babes and booze and fucking bling-blings like I'm jay-z or some shit. like i said, have to be in the right state but if i pray/ask/intend hard enough, i can get myself there.
i wish this pleased me. right now it makes me want to vomit.
in short, i went home with the wrong people and now i want to cry and hide for a long time. nothing _happened_, no sex or serious smoochies, THANK UP, but i barely made it out unscathed. i shit you not.
i can't get this all out now, i really feel sick. but i will.
oh, please forgive me my idiocy, make this pit of emotional hell go away, bring back the sunshine, and i will NEVER GO TO A CLUB ALONE AGAIN.
god. oh, by the way, also, i'm probably going to change my phone number. n.b. for all close friends who call me regularly.
i have just given it out to too many creeps and skanks and cult members and ugly people and people who want to do dirty things with me that make me want to cry.
why have i given it out to the creepy of the earth? I DON'T KNOW. they ask and i give. dammit, sarah. dammit, dammit. you are still so young, fool.
current mood: the pits.
current music: blessed quiet, thank up.
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| Friday, August 16th, 2002
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9:41 pm - o, o, o.
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today just sucked. in every way. nothing really _happened_, it was just world of suck. i was sad and near tears all day. i am needy and oversensitive and all those things today. now kristen is coming over to watch a movie and all i really want to do is go to sleep and end this day.
i'm really sad.
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| Thursday, August 15th, 2002
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5:59 pm - You're My Buff Slavic MAN! (My Iron Curtain Hottie!)
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The above are lyrics to one of the greatest songs ever written, by the band Wussy Bunny, whose front-woman is one of my colleagues. She wrote it after she found out she's being posted to Central Asia.
Two notes:
a) The clitoris is truly god's gift to women. I mean, it serves no function besides sexual pleasure. Given that from what I understand, it's somewhat harder for women to have an orgasm during penetrative sex, this theory is reinforced. God was like "Here. Enjoy." It doesn't serve any reproductive function, any protective function, any urinary function, ANY function at all except to make one feel good. See, God is a woman after all.
b) Speaking of fringe feminism, I forgot to give credit in my post yesterday to Billy Collins, Poet Laureate and author of "Man In Space" and a million other divine poems. He actually is a man. And he came up with that one anyway. Therefore I love him.
Off to drink beer. Peaceyo,
s.
current mood: tired.
current music: You're My Stalker (My Hot Stalker!)
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| Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
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10:31 pm - He said it.
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MAN IN SPACE
All you have to do is listen to the way a man
sometimes talks to his wife at a table of people
and notice how intent he is on making his point
even though her lower lip is beginning to quiver,
and you will know why the women in science
fiction movies who inhabit a planet of their own
are not pictured making a salad or reading a magazine
when the men from earth arrive in their rocket,
why they are always standing in a semicircle
with their arms folded, their bare legs set apart,
their breasts protected by hard metal disks.
current mood: nodding in absolute agreement
current music: close to me
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| Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
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10:23 pm - i am so fucking cool. yep, i said it.
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today i suffer from swelled head.
i know, i know. this is cardinal sin number one for a 23 year old single woman, lesbian no less. i am supposed to be generally angsty, in constant panic over my lack of a man, (or, woman, depending on who's judging me), unsure whether i'm fit to live or not, and entrenched in firm belief that i deserve all the 'tude i get from this fucking city. (i know this because i used to feel this way).
guess what, i fucking kick so much ass. i don't want to be anybody except me, and i feel actively lucky that i AM me. if i were to pick my ideal person in the world to be with, it would be ME. how nice that i AM with me, always and forever. thank you, Up. Univ. God. Yaweh. Allah. Al-lat. Buddha. Krishna. Isis. Whofuckingever.
Why do I love my life? And myself, today. I fucking love my job. I have a fucking kickass job that took blood sweat and tears, and a year of waiting and struggle to get. The thing that really makes me happy is that I MADE what I have now. It wasn't handed to me. I got through one of the toughest selection processes out there, and now I'm a diplomat, and I'm going to try and save the fucking world because I MEAN it. I don't say "I'm a diplomat" because it sounds nice to some people (and, granted, to other people it sounds like a load of bunk). I get the little shiver of pride when I say that because i know what the essence of the work is SUPPOSED to be, and that if anybody in the world can bring the essence into reality, it's me. And I'm going to Tel Aviv becasue I have enough light in me to handle it, and actually help the situation, even in the tiniest way. I'm doing something with my life that is exactly what I want to be doing. I'm touching - just barely touching, at this point - what _I_ believe to be most important for me.
That's the thing. Everybody has something in their heart, I think, that they believe to be most important. And I'm talking in this case about a "life's work" kind of thing. Goal, dream, mission, life path, whatever. And, everybody is right. No particular job, or particular world-view, is more important than any other. The important part is that it's EXACTLY what somebody's heart wants to do. Everybody shows up on earth with a dream, and if they can remember what it is, and make it real, that's the only thing that matters. I just feel like finally I've found at least the periphery of my dream.
And that's why I'm happy. I love my cat, I love my friends here. I love that I can finally feel more comfortable in a big crowd. I love that I finally have one or two solid friendships with people who I would die for. I love that I smoke less and exercise more and can cook more than macaroni and cheese. I love my music and my weekends. I love that I'm the out 'n proud biznitch who can also play with the straight kids, and I can be respected by them. I love loving women. I love that I feel like an adult, finally.
I'm just a happy camper. And I like, weep with gratitude for Univ and whatever forces helped me get to this point. Because honestly, I had no idea life could be like this. I was so used to it being intense and full of lots of joy, yes, but mostly putting out emotional fires. I was so fucking exhausted. I had a dark scary freak-out several times a week, and at other times was pretty much anxious and high-strung. Well, you know. Because you know me.
I don't know what happened, but I don't feel that way anymore. It's been building for several months now, this strange inner peace. it's like a flower has blossomed (god forgive my lame metaphor, but that's how I feel).
I could worry that because I've written this down, I've jinxed myself and now something terrible is going to happen. But the funny thing is, I'm not afraid of something terrible happening. Because I have this funny suspicion that I could handle it, and turn it into gold.
I don't think I'm going back.
current mood: god?
current music: goodbyeeeee EARL!!!!!!
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| Monday, August 12th, 2002
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10:30 pm - oh yeah i forgot
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also, good thing that happened today is: i hounded the vice-consul general several times about not getting to take the friday off before labor day in order to spend more time with beloved friends in noho. and finally i came up with a solution to the problem, meaning that YES i will get to take the day off and spend more time with beloved friends in noho! yippie-ai-ay. i'm so relieved, this just makes me feel better about the long drive, and it feels like an almost-real vacation.
but, i was a little huffy with him. not on purpose, but he was just so stubbornly un-helpful that i couldn't help exhaling sharply and not saying "thank you for your time" as i exited his office. which is bad for my corridor reputation. oh fucking well.
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| Saturday, August 10th, 2002
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5:52 pm - what?
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i really don't understand what's going on. i woke up perfectly chipper, with MY FRIEND HEATHER ON MY COUCH, because, of all the absolute random things in the world, she had a one-hour layover in D.C. on her way from Portland to Albany, and her plane had been cancelled. So she called me, total surprise, and we hung out and toured the monuments at like, midnight.
so this morning we stopped by a farmer's market then i dropped her off at the united terminal. then i came home and tried to get shit done. decided was incredibly tired and took a gnap. i woke up and now, for some insane reason, i feel like the world is ending. i mean, i actually was depressed before too but now it's like, the vast gray hole. i want to curl into a ball and weep.
why why? things upsetting me right now:
huge headache, which i've had all day.
strange bladder problem still present.
mostly though i think it's that i made this plan to get a bunch of people together to go out to a club and dance this evening. perfectly reasonable plan, one would think, but it's bringing me no end of anxiety. now, nobody is interested except the WEIRDEST assortment of people in the world. myself, my upstairs neighbor nicole, of whom i am quite fond, and her boyfriend, my friend kristen, and my VERY strange aquaintance mary. so far that's it, and i have little desire to spend an evening with this group of people dancing. mostly i don't want it to be just them, because nobody is going to have fun. nicole's boyfriend does not dance, kristen was like "sure, i don't mind", less than enthusiastically, when i called her today to remind her that she'd said she really wanted to go earlier in the week, and mary does not dance either.
gaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! what the hell have i done? i can't do this. i don't want to be responsible for the fun of this crowd of people. i really don't think this is going to fly and i want to call everyone and say forget it, i feel like ass and i'm going to sleep at eight pm.
what the fuck is my problem. i HATE trying to organize social events with people who are not my closest friends. it never works out and i end up feeling like a TOTAL LOSER. dammit, i wanted to have a good weekend and so far, it just hasn't measured up.
i mean, it was nice to see heather but i might have rather gone to the party i was planning to go to on friday night. wait, no, not true. i loved seeing heather. i just feel like absolute failure depressed loser shit right now.
goodnight.
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| Thursday, August 8th, 2002
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10:55 pm - oh girls, they wanna have phun.
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O!
Bun!
Is gone!
Just to Kristen's house for a week or so, but oh my oh my, I feel as if I've lost my dearest love. Well, not quite that bad, as I am still upright, but I will actually probably have a hard time sleeping without her squinched up beside me on my pillow. Oh gaw, I love my cat so much. But had terrible adventure trying to deport her from the building.
I had to put her in a cat-carrier, then put it, plus her litter, food and food dish, into a large-sized box, and cover it all up with a towel. It weighed like 30 pounds. And then I had to JOG, JOG with this heavy thing down a very long hallway to the one set of stairs that reaches my parking garage, and then JOG down that flight of stairs to my car, because Bun was mewling loudly. So loudly that people were opening up their doors as I passed to see which sneak had an illegal cat. But I was jogging, so they only saw my ass.
It was so frigging heavy cause of the heat and all the panic about being found out. And now I miss her and my legs are jelly. But hung out with Kristen in her pool and chatted with a pair of Marines, and Kristen was quite nice and told me I'm becoming her replacement sister. Which was, again, heartwarming.
Also, saw hot Lale at a happy hour today, and we chatted for some time about Tel Aviv. Damn, she is so attractive, it's amazing. I've realized that I kind of do have a "type", at least for people I'm kind of immediately attracted to. Doesn't always hold up in terms of the people I've dated, but def. there in general. Lale is it, pretty much. Long hair, dark hair, swarthy-to-dark skin, femme, and demeanor/appearance that suggests the Goddess energy, plus openness and kindness. I don't know how many people would describe her as "hot", but I do.
Was sort of odd lenghty series of interactions, as she uncharacteristically referenced her breasts in a joking manner twice, in front of a large group of people, and also quizzed me about gay-landia. She is def. quite straight, and has a boyfriend, but it's always fun to talk about queer stuff to women I find attractive but have no chance with.
Ok, now I am super-tired and my body is rebelling. I need to go to bed.
G'night. And, o, goodnight, Bun, wherever you are.
current mood: physically dead.
current music: i be puttin' in nine-one-one daddy.
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| Wednesday, August 7th, 2002
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10:23 pm - winamp with no skins is so last year.
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Hmm. How do I feel right now? Hard to say. I feel, a little ill, a lot tired, somewhat content with interpersonal relationships, poss. future as world leader and acolyte of muzak, and activities today. Also feel a little anxious about bladder, cat (who seems to have used the potty in some mystery location in my apartment), commitment to the community, and lack of snuggly companion.
All in all, a full day in the life of sarah's thoughts. News items: few.
Got a notice under my door that building management was coming round to everybody's apartments during the day, over the next week, to check our air conditioning units. This poses prob. since I have Bun, who is illegal alien-type being, sans green-card etc. So today I locked her in my bedroom and tacked my bedsheet to the window so she couldn't meow on the window-sill and alert maintence-man to her presence while he's out on the balcony fixing the a/c. Then I put her litter and food in the closet, which I left open for her, turned on the a/c loud in the main room, and left the radio tuned to NPR so as to further dampen meows.
I might have to do this every day until next Wednsday. This sucks. It will leave me with an extremely high utility bill, and probably won't serve to hide the existence of Bun any better than just shutting her in the room would. Oh well. To each their elaborate, paranoid plans.
I am now listening to an extremely sad techno piece. Now, techo is not usually sad, by nature, but this one is. It makes me want to curl up into a small ball and have trusted loved ones pet me on the head.
Today talked to Kristen, who is probably my best friend here, who agreed to keep Bun in her apartment until Wednsday (if I can manage to squeeze her into a box and transport her, which failed last night), and who also said she has a project for her night photo-class and she wants to do 32 portrait shots of either me or Bun. I'm very heartwarmed. Kristen is by far the most trust-worthy and kind person I've met here. She's so incredibly innocent, not naive, but like, too much without guile to sheild herself from the world. And I am a fan of that. Those are basically the only kind of women I trust.
Men, bah. I think they are actually more biologically simple, and they do not frighten me.
I hate this large fucking blue sheet stapled to my wall. And I will have to sleep in something tonight as it's too cold with the a/c and without the sheet for private nudity.
Good news is, SMYAL, the sexual minority youth assistance league, has invited me to a volunteer welcoming event next weekend. Hopefully after that I'll have some kind of fulfilling community-type service to do.
Why the fuck am I still awake? I said I'd go to bed early tonight - but it's just so hard to do.
Hmm, anything else? Can't think of it. Oh, went to Arlington Cem. and the Marine Memorial, otherwise known as Iwo Jima, this afternoon, and had wave of love for Washington. God, I love this fucking city. In my mind, for some reason, it is always daylight in Washington. Not like, "the sun never sets on the roman empire" weirdness, but more like, it's always awake, it's always alive, it's always looking forward,it's always doing, planning. And even though I don't always agree with what they're planning, it gives me an excited glow in my tummy which lifts me up and comforts me.
That's the kind of stuff that comforts me. Possibility. I think that's basically the root of my joy, is possibility. And that's very tied in with the whole "global village" thing for me. There are a million places to go and a million ways we can connect. Yadda. Yadda.
K, I'm out. Get me to bed.
Lovelove,
S.
current mood: arundhati roy
current music: everything counts in large amounts
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| Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
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3:29 pm - ARGH!!
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ARGH! I have no idea what the fuck, over, but I feel suddenly like something very specific and unknown is WRONG in my life, or in life in general, or in somebody's life. But see, I really don't know what it is, and it's not like an exsitential crisis-heavy-duty-long-term-issue kind of thing, it's like right now, today, at three-thirty, something is out of whack with me energetically or mentally or emotionally or some combo of the three. I had basically a half-day at work, then came home to nap before a meeting at four o'clock, and could NOT nap because I was like, anxious in my sleep. It felt like I was actually somewhere else, or my being was or whatever, but my body was trying to sleep here in Arlington and it def. didn't work.
Now I'm awake and all shook up, frustrated, alarmed, pissed off as if there's something going on that I'm supposed to be doing but I have NO CLUE what it is. Also very jumpy and stuff.
Grr. I just want to jump out of my skin. Maybe it's not me. Bad vibes around here today, lots of people ill (including friends far away), and I don't know.
Fuck it. Univ has not told me what the problem is, so if and until that occurs I'm going to run my meeting then go swimming.
Byebye.
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| Monday, August 5th, 2002
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4:25 pm - you izzo my izzo.
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GOD, DC is hot. So hot I'm going to swoon. And now, after being hot all day, I'm cold in my apartment with the AC turned on. Brrrr. And, my stupid jeep is world of suck. I like the way it looks, and it's fun to drive, and it has a sound system that I like, but jeeps just fall apart around 90,000 miles. Or at least, that's when mine did, and I've heard others say the same. So, car-trauma number million is that my AC is busted. It was busted before, but it was supposedly fixed, however the guy who fixed it said it might go again, since there's a tiny leak he can't find where the freon goes out.
So it went out. All of a sudden, yesterday. Thus, they're pumping more freon in for two hundred dollars. I just don't know if this is worth it. Somehow, I don't feel right about buying a new car, tho most of my classmates are doing so before they go to post. Cause I don't want to have such a big expense yet. ARGH. Stupid banal shit that takes up money and time and doesn't improve my life in any substantial way. That's car trouble.
Bun just winked at me. That was odd.
Hmm. Just feeling generally gross, including an explosion of zits, unhealthy hair and a lack of food in the fridge. And tired, and feeling like I need to be a gung-ho gal and go out and do something tonight, tho I'm not sure I want to. Such is life. Such is summer in DC when one has a yob. I yam a faceless buearacrat. Except, I have a face that is breaking out in bad acne. Shit.
Oh my god, I'm getting freaked out. The cult, who I e-mailed the other day with my "resignation", keeps trying to get in touch with me. It's not good. It really upsets me. They keep sending these long, sincere e-mails about how my doubts are all similiar doubts that they had had when they joined, and they could be worked through. They keep asking me to come to certain meetings so we can "talk about them". I want to weep. Today I got one and they said they'd call me tonight. So I will be screening my calls, thank you.
I honestly am upset. I don't know what to do. You can't imagine (or maybe you can) how wrenchingly contrary it feels to be blowing off all of these seemingly heartfelt entreaties for communication, and continued relationship. I mean, I'm basically dumping them and they're asking - in reasonable language - for me to give it a second thought. But I don't think I can do that. I don't have time to go to all these meetings, I don't have the desire to join a confrontational group and argue with people on the street about why their worldviews are wrong and Larouche's is right, and I don't have the desire to hang out amongst a bunch of people that don't respect my hobbies, my art, my job or my "lifestyle". But god help me, I have no idea how to get them off my back without being cruel, irrational, and margie-like. Like, "Go away, I don't want to talk about why, you freak me out and I don't want to have anything to do with you."
But reasoned, compassionate discussion about why I need to stop coming to meetings will only encourage them to keep at it.
SHITMOTHERFUCKER. I have had a major epiphany. Please excuse me while I explain it in detail. (Oh god, phone's ringing. I can't answer it.)
K, epiphany: There are some people who can't talk to me for the same reason I can't talk to the Larouchies. I have no dislike for them as people, in fact I'm quite fond of them and sort of sad that I have to not be around them. But just because of ME, not them, I need to break ties. And, I'm making conjectures about other people's minds at this point, but I think that's probably the case with a few ex-girlfriends, Margie and Rubaiyat in particular. I mean, Margie may actually hate me, but I know Rubaiyat doesn't, and that's why I could never understand why she won't talk to me. But it actually makes sense now. In a different way than it did before. I could always tells myself that it wasn't about me, it was about her, and how I affected her just by nature. But it never made me feel any better. Now it kind of feels different.
At least, in this particular moment. But hey it's a start. So I think I need to stick to my guns on this one. If anyone has advice on how to set solid boundaries, please feel free to share. I'm not so good at it.
Anyawy. Back in the day, late high school and early college, my brother had the most horrible horrible case of acne you've ever seen. He was like, pizza boy for three years. And it was probably really traumatic for him because he's good looking, and always popular, and the girls love him. Now it's fine, but I'm having skin trauma. I have a terrible fear that it's now my turn. If this happens to me I might shoot myself. My friend Lex says it could be hormones, which would MAYBE make sense, but I thought that would have chilled out by now. In any case, yet another thing to worry about.
Gotta get my car. Peace.
current mood: worried.
current music: h to the izzo. v to the izzay.
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| Sunday, August 4th, 2002
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7:28 pm - lukey's boat is plain and green...
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well i sez lukey the blinds are down, ah-ha me boys, i sez lukey the blinds are down, me wife is dead and she's underground, ah-ha me boys, a-diddle-ai-day.
well i sez lukey i don't care, i'll get me another in the spring of the year, ah-ha me boys, a-diddle-ai-day.
So, today was pretty good. I had a chanelling session with B.H., who advised about love-life and whatnot.
AND, and, I am so whiggidy-whack, I told Dude, when he called, that this thing was not going to go where he wanted it to go, and I didn't want anymore dates, and he said, "thanks for being frank, i'll see you around then." and i said okay, and it was perfectly polite, and i felt so marvelous. i've never done that before and it was really cool.
then i went and picked up my hottie dress because my mom said she'd pay.
and today i really miss my friend heather, so i'm downloading a bunch of songs that remind me of her, including lukey's boat, a lovely newfoundlandish song.
i really have nothing interesting to say but i want to talk to babarina on the phone so if she cares to, she can feel free to call me. or i might call her.
now i'm going to study how to give or not give visas, and what kind, to fur-ners. i still want to service fur-ners.
"stop smoking. take a deep breath and stop smoking. then you can take more deep breaths stop smoking. time to boycott jesse helms stop smoking. and then you can check no when they ask you if you smoke stop smoking. us great spirits gotta watch it, stop smoking."
that song has nothing to do with heather, but somebody mentioned it in somebody's journal and i downloaded it and i like it.
peace yo, s.
current music: she was planched with cupboard nails, ah-ha me boys.
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1:37 am - true colors.
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tonight i had a wonderful evening. and it's odd, because it started off very badly. i was just crying, crying all day, for reasons unbeknownst to me. really don't know why. i mean, the weirdest shit. i watched a national geo special on vatican city, and i burst into tears when they showed a clip of the pope being shot, way back in the 80's. i'm not even catholic! i think what actually got me crying was the woman in the crowd who was screaming, wailing, tearing at her hair. she had such devotion that it was really like seeing god's vicar being shot. i have a lot of respect/reverence for other people's faiths. not even religous faiths, in particular, i just vicariously revere what other people revere, if they're sincere about it.
anyway, it was odd. then i was upset cause i watched a clip of the end of a buffy episode, which was basically a music video to some terribly pathetically sad song, and it showed my favorite tv lesbians, willow and tara, breaking up, and it was depressing.
oh yeah, and then i attempted to "break up" with the cult, by writing an e-mail to them saying "this is my soverign decision, i need to not be involved with you guys". they promptly wrote me back trying to explain to me why i needed to stick around. ugh. also got a phone call from Dude, which i didn't answer, he left a message. but eventually i'll have to talk to him and explain that i'm not interested.
anyhoo, the evening ended well because i met up with some friends, and we went shopping for clearance dresses in macy's. we all need dresses for the marine ball.
!
isn't that cute? the marine ball! we won't be going to the same one, because they have them at post, but still, now is sale time and why not get them now. i love the idea of the marine ball. and it's odd, because it's the ONLY event at post that is black tie/military dress. everything else, except very select ambassadorial dinners, which i probably won't be invited to yet, is regular dress. i love the marines. they will save my ass.
so i put an amazing dress on hold that was some kind of thin sheer black tulle with black bead pattern over a magenta slip, and looked hot on me. i have to call my mother and see if she will once again fund my foray into the world of proper dress.
then we went to a bar in old town alexandria, which is this amazing, hundreds-of-years old town on the water with cool clubs. we drank really expensive yummy flavored martinis and danced on a tiny dance floor to my new favorite bad song, what's love. then we went and sat on the pier and talked about boyfriends, girlfriends, children, the foreign service, culture etc. then i came home.
it was just very relaxed, friendly, easy to deal with. and i danced because i wanted to, without giving it a second thought, and i said anything and everything i wanted to say, without being concerned about what people would think.
i am a very lucky girl, sad and all.
barn's burnt down. now i can see the moon.
g'night.
current mood: wisty
current music: lady wanted the service, the others give them the service
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| Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
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2:31 am - de-lerium (and thoughts on songs?)
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oh, it's nearly three am and i'm eating tofutti cuties.
and i just wanted to say, the Roche sisters singing the Hallelujah Chorus is the most amazing thing. especially because there's this one tiny tiny part where they, probably without realizing it, do this kind of country slide with their voices.
And He shall reign forever and eh-heh-a-vur.
Mmm. And now Bono doing Hallelujah, the one that Rufus covers. And it's odd, cause he's speaking it, and it's like dark spooky dance music, like portishead or golden palominos, and one of those high-pitched U2 singers is wailing Hallelujah in the background. But I likes.
i'm on a hallelujah kick. and i still don't know how to spell it. now i will skip to a remix of the Time Warp, which reminds me of Baba, and that fact makes me really happy. She am magenta. i fucking love rocky horror.
my cat, whom I now call bun, is carrying on with a furry egg in her mouth. a toy.
with a bit of the mind flip, you're into the mind slip, and nothing can ever be the same (hand her the donut.) oh goddamn, i would give my left foot (hey that's a movie) to be in a theatre in skanky garb screaming along to the time warp with a bunch of other loons. when i did theatre (lived theatre) in high school, we would do electricity before every show and then the time warp, in the green room. and we'd all yell "group sex group sex group sex" when he said "put your hands on your hips" etc.
i really must download the song lover of the life of leisure. "heyy, what'd you say your name waz?" "Rob-ba-bah." ooo.
i have to go to bed.
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| Friday, August 2nd, 2002
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9:32 pm - oh the tum-tum-tummy
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i am mid-activity. literally. the crowd, the diplo-asses, my family, and I have been OUT. at the tara thai bar and thai place for somebody's b-day. FIFTY diplo-asses making a ruckus amongst the quiet, mostly asian patrons. then we treked to another contienent to enjoy icky beer at an irish pub, and shortly we will partake of, why am I seeing this, goldmember. but i am. however, the pub was so crowded we couldn't move, and so loud we couldn't hear, so i skipped out, back here to my apt., because it's right across the road. shortly i will journey to the theatre.
somebody said something really nice this evening. we were trying to decide who was riding in who's car, and it was taking hours, and i complained that it was like my family trying to make mass decisions at family reunions, and somebody said, "WE ARE A FAMILY!" and everybody sort of made sounds of happy assent. and that made me feel warm and fuzzy, because its kind of true.
today i made a mix cd for my favorite former camper veronica, which includes various and sundry bad hip hop, some foreign tunes of my choosing, and the elvis costello song veronica. because she is my little sister. secretly i just want a sister.
ok, i have more to say but i have to go rejoin my peeps. kind of silly for me to come back here, but i did not want to stay in that bar.
yeah. baby. yeah.
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| Thursday, August 1st, 2002
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10:52 pm - CRAPTACULAR!!
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Oh my god, whose life is this? Do I have like, a split personality? Can I PLEASE have SOME comprehension soon of what the hell I want in terms of a relationship? Why do I involve myself with people and things and organizations that make me feel scared, dark and weird? I want to weep and moan and curl up in a ball and be a kid again. I'm unhappy right now.
Went on date with Dude. How to explain? He was in all ways nice, thoughtful, interesting. He was also extremely spiritually inclined, likes my music, passionate about things, wants to change the world all that stuff. Thinks, as he pointed out several times, that I'm be-yoo-ti-ful. I mean, he's tres unusual. Not your average schmo. And I chatted along, attempted to take his compliments with a modicum of grace even though they made me a tad uncomfortable, asked about him, etc etc. Typical first date stuff.
Except NO. Because I never actually wanted a "first" "date" with Dude. Roger. Because first date implies there will be dates to follow. And I don't feel right now the way a person should feel after a first date that will lead to further and deeper interaction. You know, I never really went on dates per se with people in college, but usually there was chemistry and excitement and affection pretty much right off the bat, and that's how i knew i wanted to go forward with more "dating" kind of stuff. And it felt good, and it lifted me up, and I learned things about love, and there was something that I felt that pulled me forward, despite concerns.
This Dude thing is JUST NOT FUN. There's no explanation for it. He has no particular glaring flaws that I can see. He's clearly quality. He's cute. I don't hate men. But agreeing to their overt date requests is just a waste of time for me.
And that makes me want to cry, because WHY AM I DOING IT if it's not fun? I know, I know, reasonable people are glancing at this and saying, dick, you don't have to do anything, bail out now, what's your problem? Why the fuck am I worried? Because I have too hard a time saying No. This feeling I have right now is the same one I have about an hour or two after I return from a meeting with those Larouche people. Like I've gotten in over my head in some deep dark water, and I've let myself get separated from what I really want. My comfort zone. But because I have this mean streak towards myself which says "you're not allowed to have a comfort zone, you have to constantly try new things."
So I do. And sometimes they're great, but recently they've been scary and have made me feel strange. But then, I feel like it's too late, cause I've done them, and I've given a bit of myself to the experience. And for some reason, I feel like doing that gives these people some say over my future action. Like the Larouchies. Some part of my brain tells me "you can't just blow off their requests for further involvement, their logical arguments in favor of."
WHY CAN'T I? Hello? It's like, I'm an open, honest person, so people can tell after like five minutes with me - if i'm really talking about ideas - what I'm about, what my "hooks" are. So, probably subconciously, they play immediately on those when I show signs of dissent.
"We are the real seekers of truth. We're the warrior angels. A lot of people get scared at first, it's ok, take your time. Just remember, when the times comes for action, what are you going to say you did or didn't do?"
"Life is short. You're going to a dangerous country in a dangerous job. Life is only about connection; people shouldn't pass up chances when they come by. Here's to serindiptiy."
DAMMIT PEOPLE, stop using my language against me.
And you know what? I've done it to. When miss Margie dumped me, I guilt-tripped her about not being brave in the face of doubts, without even realizing it was wrong and manipulative of me. And Rubaiyat too. And lots of other people, when I was in danger of losing them. In that case, it was me using my language against _them_. I guess this is just what people do. Ok.
But it hurts, because then those words trigger my own dreams, my demands of myself, my beliefs about what's important, and I think to myself "how can I blow this off, if I really belive I _am_ a warrior", and all that. But fuck, I have to realize what they're doing. Subconciously trying to hold me to them, to whatever degree they need to, by playing on my heart, which is worn on my sleeve.
Fuck you man. Yeah, serindipity. Yeah, spirit and hope and Love. Yeah courage. But Yeah, not with you.
Fuck you, cult. Yeah, I am a warrior, in my own way. Yeah, I want the change to come, now. But not your way.
I need to tell this nice boy straight up that it can't work out. That's all.
I really really want to talk to ms. paull right now. Alas no. Sometimes I need/want specific people's energies to break up whatever I'm stuck in.
I need to go to bed, but last night I had a really bad night's sleep, weird dreams, kept waking up and feeling sick and dark, and I'm afraid that's also going to happen tonight. My stomach hurts. Dude gave me a lengthy hug when he dropped me off, and it wasn't awful but I think I had like a delayed physical shock reaction to it. I am so desperately averse to physical/sexual contact of late. My body doesn't want to be touched. I need deep hugs from people I trust, but otherwise, no.
G'night.
current mood: shaken
current music: same 10 mp3s for weeks and weeks.
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2:51 pm - Notes.
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I want to clarify something, given a negative response to my last posting, and it's wording, which upon re-reading, appears callous.
I didn't mean to imply that I wouldn't let an S+M fan into my apartment. That _would_ indicate a bizarre prejudice, and would in fact bar me from hanging out with many of my friends. I meant I'm not likely to sleep with him. Which was the case anyway being that he's male. So I guess the proper sentence would be "He will not be entering my bed anytime soon."
Or there's no proper sentence, but as it is my journal I feel free to express my likes and dislikes. I was pretty wary of this date to begin with, because I want a girl, not a boy. A boy whose sexual preferences I don't share is even less likely to sway me to the land of straight.
Apoligies for careless words.
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| Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
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11:30 pm - oh shit.
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My DATE for TOMORROW is into S+M.
I had no idea. However I made it plain that I AM NOT into S+M.
I'm not sure why I'm going on this DATE, but he still seems ok, so I'll give it one shot. It's not like he can pull any weird moves on me in a crowded bar.
Mexican Dude will NOT be entering my apartment at any time in the near future.
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10:36 pm - i'm SO PROUD.
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Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I just discovered that the
FIRST!
FEMALE OFFICER IN THE U.S. FOREIGN SERVICE...
was a smithie.
Lucile Atcherson Curtis '13.
Lucile, you will never know how much I love you. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
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8:17 pm - i am sad.
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today i really want to be in love with somebody, and also to have easy access to trees. i know i could hop the metro to arlington cemetary or hang out at the iwo jima memorial park, but it's not the same. i actually think i want to be back in noho. at time i wonder if there's something off about still missing the old days of college sometimes, but i just can't help it. i miss being a kid. and although i like dc, i don't really like arlington, and i don't like that i have to go through a whole rigamarole to get outside somewhere nice. at smith i could just walk to the pond or downtown or whatever. even drive to brattleboro. i don't really know the area that well yet, and i don't love the area as much as i love new england, and i don't love my friends as much as i loved people there, and DAMMIT, i miss my old life.
i need to do something tonight, although it is eight o'clock and i have an early day tomorrow. sometimes i feel like my apartment is sterile, my neighborhood is sterile (and it is, it's just office buildings and big apartment complexes), and my place of work is sterile. FSI is a nice training facility, but it's always like negative ten degrees inside cause of the AC, and everything is pretty much slate gray, and they don't water the lawns so they're always dead and yellow, and, i don't know, there's just no color. i need some color. which makes me think maybe i should work on my village some, but i'm a bit stuck. i don't know where to position these large pieces of paper on the walls...
complain complain. i need some lovin' and i want to go run outside with no shoes on, but there's nowhere to run to. oh man.
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