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Day in the life of a Gaming Angel
thoughts...
bedtime aproaches.. I really must stop thinking of poems while driving home. Mostly because when by the time I get home I have forgotten the whole freaking thing and then it just frustrates me. Tonight in the car I was just thinking, and words kept linking. The next line flowed, and it just made sense. Maybe it's supposed to be a personal thing. Help myself think. As one person said on lj..kindof a way to let my feelings out. It's probably better noone hears them anyway. lol

that freakin crimson room made me claustophobic(sp?) and scared to death. I had chills, so I had to close my browser.

researched backup hardware tonight. weee At least i'm starting to take work more seriously. except for the fact that gas cost me $1.94 today, and if it goes up much higher i'm going to have to remind my boss about the raise i'm due for. Cause paying $2.00 per gallon for gas every two days is not going to be cheap for me.

mmm bed time.
beautiful words
This is so beautiful. exert from billy corgan on billy corgan.com:

"I want to remind you that I love you...God has given me the strength to say that to you, and I hope that you don't hide who you are...does it make me sad that I have hid myself all these years? No, it was what I had to do to survive, or at least what I 'thought' I needed to do...but surviving is not enough...we all deserve to flourish, and to know happiness and joy...that is my new dream.."

there is more, but that is amazing. There are times where all you want to do is hide your feelings. Hide what you are thinking. Turn off that part of your brain and numbly walk through the days. All in fear of what might happen were you to seek out the truth. The question is can you ever really live if you don't admit your feelings and your thoughts to anyone else? If you stay closed up inside, constantly protecting a part of who you are. I don't think you can ever be happy doing that, yet we all do. Although I am not ready to completely open up yet, I share the same dream as Billy, "to know happiness and joy". *sigh* what a beautiful man.

Current Mood: inspired

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days. - the bell jar

A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.
Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simplier, but much less magical.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Chef Aid, 1998

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken *

*For some reason that last one was my quote all throughout high school. I read the poem while researching for the speech aspect of speech and debate that I had joined. I hated the improv, other speech activities, but this poem always had a way of reassuring me that things will be okay. To take chances. I do still take chances but boy do I worry about them a lot more. Just re-reading this poem today had me feeling refreshed though to not worry and just see how everything plays out. If things are meant to be they happen right? ^_^

update later today i'm sure.

Current Mood: bouncy

so today has been a lazy day. Although I have done most of my chores, I didn't go work out or sew. But I did unpack and do laundry etc.

Now I'm going to watch anime and chill. It looks like for the most part you all that went to katsu had fun. Except one person who made my friend's con miserable because he was being a selfish asshole. Dude, grow the fuck up. Get a fucking job and earn some self respect. How dare you fucking make such a wonderful girl cry all weekend. And how dare you curse at her when all she has done is been there for you. You don't deserve her. Maybe that's what you fear the most. You must know she will find someone that will treat her better. And I hope she does. I fucking encourage it. Because she does not need you to bring her down. She has enough fucking stress. Grow the fuck up. Earn your own money and make your own cosplay. She owes you jack shit and doesn't need to make your cosplay in addition to hers and school and a job. Yeah unlike your lazy ass she's employeed. You fucking aren't good enough for her.

Sorry about that friends. I just hate when I hear that one of my friends was crying all weekend cause of a guy. That's fucked up. I am no expert in relationships or about falling in love, hell i do it all wrong. But I will not stand for my friends to get hurt.

ugh I'm going to watch anime cause now I'm in a shitty mood.
I had a great weekend this past weekend. San Diego was a lot of fun, even if it rained while I was at an outdoor mall (which was the wrong mall for the cosplay event so I missed it) and was in a skirt and heels. Yeah, except for that it was great.

Saw two movies- 50 First Dates and Cold Mountain. I would highly suggest everyone see Cold Mountain. It is a lot more violent than I thought it would be, but the characters are amazing. I think I'm going to pick up the book. The story and acting was so good that I was really brought into the story. I think this movie is better than Big Fish, which I totally loved. Also the lead singer of White Stripes is in it (I can swear it's him, will have to check tomorrow) and he does a great job too!! It was awesome!

Poor vince had to go shopping with me for a vday gift for zach. I had this awesome gift planned, but I couldn't find the materials anywhere. I'm not saying what it was yet, because I'm hoping to find the materials. Anyway, settled on this great smelling cologne which smells so good on him. Yum. lol

It would have been nice for it to be a bit warmer so I could have been out by the ocean more.

Anyway, I'm sure I could write so much more but I'm insanely tired. Driving home was a bit of a struggle. Then I walk in to super drunk mother. That's pretty big if she's super drunk still at 1:30am. I asked my brother about it and he said she's been drunk all weekend, and her and dad have been yelling all weekend. God I am so thankful for having been out of town. She pulls that shit tomorrow and I will go off on her. She couldn't even stand right now, and she asked me the same questions within minutes of just having asked it. I told her to go to bed cause I wasn't going to talk to her anymore tonight.

oh and zach thank you for a wonderful weekend. ^_^

Current Mood: happy

friday the 13th....great.lol Hopefully it won't affect my drive much.

HAVE A HAPPY VDAY to all. Remember you can celebrate the love of your friends and family and not just a significant other. Spoil yourself a little bit.

Have fun at katsu!! Since like 80-85% of my lj and people I chat with are going...you all have fun. I'm very envious.hehe Take lots of pics and someone get psythe a guiness for me. I will come out to an east coast con later this year to make up for missing katsu.

Going to work out now. C-ya!!
I HATE my mother's drinking. I HATE that it makes her this psycho bitch that gets hugely dramatic over nothing. Top two topics tonight... how she's going to die and how there are brown recluse spiders everywhere but don't worry. Fuck! She knows I have a phobia of spiders. Fuck fuck fuck. How the fuck am I going to sleep tonight? Sure they are getting the house sprayed but that's later. And I have to clean my room tonight cause there is clutter everywhere where spiders can be..as my mom was nice enough to point out. I guess some lady at my dad's work got bitten by a brown recluse on her forehead and now she has to get plastic surgery because that skin turned black and is dead. I don't need to fucking think about shit like that!!!

What a bad way to end a day. I even had a pretty good shopping trip. Stupid drunk ass mother.

Current Mood: angry

YAY!!! My weekend almost officially begins! I can't wait. Lately things have gotten more and more stressful at work, and I could definitely use the time to relax and unwind.

I have no expectations of the weekend other than relaxing and having fun. I am excited to see zach and spend some time with him, little it might be. He's a funny, smart, sexy (who can resist those glasses?) guy. So it's fun whenever I get to have a date with him. ^_^

YAY! My friends from my first job emailed me and we are all going to meet for happy hour next wednesday! That's awesome!

On my way home now, going to get some travel crap at target and then taco bell which i've been craving like a mother fucker. Not sure why.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done!!! Wee! Stick straight hair again. Should I get bangs? hmm... I'll probably wake up around 7am and go workout. Then my hair appointment is at noon. I should be done by 4pm. Then on my way to san diego!! Should get there around 7pm. Can't freakin wait! I'll probably stop along the way to take pictures. I'm going to do a semi photo journal of the weekend to put on my website. Just a way of capturing the cool stuff I do this weekend.

Have a great weekend people! *hugs*

Current Mood: excited

the player

I watch as your fingers move across the strings
firm yet delicate
making them obey your command
your lips part
I can see in the dark lit room your tongue and your teeth
this beautiful sound comes out
inviting me in
as you bare your soul to me
but i resist
shouldn't i be watching, peering in
but instead you lay the welcome mat down
say 'we are all alone here.
come listen to my soul cry and cheer.'
and you sing
about the most beautiful things
the pain
the sorrow
the happiness in the spring
the despair
the depression
all your cries for help
it's all beautiful to me
and i agree
'we are all alone here, together.'

*this poem was so much better on the ride to work. I need to have a tape player or a pad to write stuff down. sorry if it sucks. :( *

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: damien rice

what exactly would a care bear stare do to you anyway?

god i'm tired. *falls asleep*

Current Mood: melancholy

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