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LiveJournal for ruby tuesday.
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| Monday, July 8th, 2002 |
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it is so fucken hot right now i am sitting here half naked and wishing i were rich wnough to but an air conditioner....it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so humid, but the humidity is killing me...i can barely breath....been really busy lately with work and all...i actully worked 18 hours on saturday. there is so much i could share here but i am not sure why exactly i might do that... |
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| Monday, May 6th, 2002 |
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time now 10:05pm 200 questions **Things... 1. religion/church: my mother thought it would be best for me to discover spirituality on my own. i have and i have my own personal beliefs. 2. height: 5'1" 3. weight: 137 lbs. 4. shoe size: 7 5. lefty/righty: lefty 6. eye color: brown 7. hair color: red/brown/blonde 8. hair length: short 9. Piercings: none 10. Tattoos: none 11. Scars: *one on the top of my head from when i dropped the lid to a hope chest on my head when i was two *one on my chin that i got from tripping on some steps while looking at cakes in a bakery when i was 4, this scar was also reinforced last year while drunk when i fell face first on the sidewalk. *one on the back of my head. i needed six staples put in the back of my head because i fell over backwards while drunk and my head hit the glass door to the entertainment center. *one big one on my wrist and some more smaller ones on my arm and legs from one of those really black days that i didn't want to be alive anymore. *one on my right leg that looks like a briuse from a mean boy that threw me up against a wall. *some chicken pox ones *lots of miscelaneous ones. 12. glasses, braces, etc: yes, glasses. 13. car: 1989 saab 900s 14. living arrangements: live in my grandfathers guest house with my sortof boyfriend and my kitty 15. school: i will go to college eventually 16. school colors: no school 17. school mascot: no school 18. Bed time: normally around 10 or 11pm 19. Morning time: i love morning time,i just wish i were able to get up on my days off to enjoy the mornings 43. got a bf/gf: sortof he is my ex boyfriend and we are kindof together again... 47. how long has it been: see above 48. sweetest thing they've done for you: he held me last night when i was sobbing hysterically...there have been other times but that sticks out in my head right now. 49. love, like, lust: i have decided to keep these thoughts in my head for now. 50. crush: see above 51. the person you wanna date: n/a 52. what do you look for in a guy/girl: dont feel like thinking about this right now. 53. longest relationship: almost 3 years 55. shortest relationship: 1 week **Favourite... 57. movie: dont feel like bothering with this question 58. star: dont feel like bothering with this question 59. singer: Elvis Costello 60. song: oh i've got lots. 61. color: blue and white combos, or light pink 62. flower: roses or lilacs or tulips. 63. holiday: none 64. animal: domestic: cat,dog,horse; wild: wolf,racoon(i had racoons as pets when i was little) 65. channel: dont feel like bothering with this question 66. tv show: the family guy 67. radio station: dont feel like bothering with this question 68. subject: dont feel like bothering with this question 69. state: i am not sure 70. country: havent visited them all yet 71. word: cabbage 72. phrase: good to know (not really my fav, i just say it too much) 74. clothes brand: polo 75. cologne/perfume: today i just discovered ralph loren's polo sport for women 76. month: spring 77. food: pasta 78. drink: ginger ale, rasberry iced tea, beer, wine 79. store: ??? 80. place to visit: sanity???? 81. day: friday i'm in love (i liked this answer too much to delete it)i would have to say sunday though 82. time of day: depends on my mood **Least favourite... 85. movie: 86. star: 87. singer: 88. song: 89. color: 93. animal: spiders 97. subject: 98. state: 99. what time is it: 10:30pm 102. clothes brand: 105. food: beets, mushrooms, uncooked spinach, ans some other stuff 107. store: 109. day: ***as you can see i don't like to think negitively or with hate...why bother thinking about things that don't matter to you? **Future 113. job: 114. marriage: maybe 115. to: 116. honeymoon: somewhere tropical 117. where will you live: 118. kids: yes 119. boy's name(s): i like a lot of names, but lately i have liked Damien Joseph Lukas Anthony 120. girl's name(s): again i like a lot of names, but here is a few Nikko Felicia (after my murdered aunt) Elenor Ruth (my grandmothers middle name, and ruth is my mothers middle name as well as my own and also my great-grandmothers first name) truthfully i think i forgot all the girls manes i like. **Past 123. if you could go back to anywhere, where would you go: i can't think about this. i feel it would make me feel sad about the things i can not change in the past. but of i were to answer it as if i could travel to a certain time period i think it would be midevil europe. 124. least favorite memory: it is horrible. 125. most embarrassing moment: no. 126. first bf/gf: a boy named padric 127. when was that: july 1995 130. the thing you wish you did but didn't: no **Have you ever... 131. a) Kissed someone: yes 131. b) meaningful: yes 132. cried your way out of things: i am sure i have.1 34. tried to kill your self: yes 135. cried over someone you loved: yeah. 136. betrayed a friend: yes 137. used someone: i think so. 138. cheated on a bf: never. 139. lied to your parents: yes. 140. ran away from home: no 141. got lost in a store: yeah when i was little. 142. got kicked out of a place: yes 143. got drunk: yes 144. drove a car: yes 145. been grounded: not really 146. broken a bone: in my hand. my advice is that you should never take a lot of pain pills...some klonopin, and drink too much then go rollerskating 147. ran into a door in public: yeah **First Thing... 148. george w. bush: anti-christ 149. rubber: ball 150. wet: cold/swimming 151. big boy: that restaurant chain 152. candy: yuck. 153. boys: girls. 154. love: red 155. girls: snobby 156. death: inevitable 157. life: clear 158. mom: sick 159. dad: who? 160. quality time: what? 161. ball: round 162. bill clinton: permenent smile 163. God: good 164. devil: horns 165. britney spears: fake 166. pie: apple 167. jello: jiggly 168. grease: bus driver 169. grody: what? 170. bubba: baby bottle **Which One? 171. coke/pepsi: pepsi. (coke makes my stomach hurt) 172. sandals/sneakers: both 173. boy/guy: boy 174. girl/chick: depends 175. cd/tape: depends 176. movie/dvd: depends 177. sweet/sour: both 178. two door/ four door: either/or 179. outside/inside: it depends 180. rose/candy: rose 181. old/new: what... 182. hot/cute: cute **Other... 183. biggest fear: 184. worst feeling in the world: guilt, loss, lonlieness, black 185. greatest feeling: 186. hardest thing you've ever done: taken care of my grandmother in her last days 187. dreams: yeah yeah yeah 188. goals: 189. how big is your bed: queen 190. how long are you in the shower: 30-45min 191. how many times do you shower: once a day or once every other day 192. what do you do in your spare time: take pictures, sit blankly, read, think, drive...other stuff 193. what time is it: 10:52pm 194. what is the date today? may 6, 2002 195. who are you sending this to: posting it in my livejournal 196. how many people are on your buddy list: 6 197. who will most likely fill this out: badly drawn boy already did 199. how's life: 200. what time is it now: 10:53pm |
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well. it seems that i may have been neglecting this here journal...but don't feel too bad i have been neglecting all of my journals lately. hmmm.....i think i will update a new way tonight. *i have a new job...i am now the manager of a different coffee shop. (a 24hour one) i work a lot of hours and it is very stressful but i really need the money. one of the major stresses of this job is the fact that it seems to be the local hangout of all the teenage drug dealers...there are always fights and/or really wasted little kids hanging around my store. now my main prob;em with this, other than the factr that it is kindof scary, is the fact that i know what it is like to be young and fall into some things that are way over your head. the other day a girl came in to the store, she had no shoes on and her feet were bloody, she was falling all over herself. i would later find out by the police that she was only sixteen. (my store is inside a conveince store) she stole about eight subs from the convienince store side and then when the manager of that store caught her she couldn't even speak she was so messed up. i felt bad for her, i wanted to talk to her to get to her to do something to help her. instead i had to call the police because that is what my job is.... *****i turned twenty one and now it is legal for me to go out and drink...no, i don't go overboard...i got that out of my system when i was younger. i rather like being able to go out and have a few Sam Adams with dinner or while watching Baseball. last night i had a breakdown. i really can't explain much about it. i tried to go to sleep, nick was in the living room watching t.v. for some reason i couldn't sleep with the t.v. on it just seemed that it was getting louder and louder. i went out into the living room and suddenly i was angry at him because he had the t.v. on. i went off on this horrib;e rampage about how he doesn't respect me. i made him turn the t.v. off then made him put down the beer that he was drinking because i bought it. then all of a sudden i felt bad because i was so mean, but i knew i still couldn't have the t.v. on so i just sat beside him because i though it would be awful of me to go back to bed after i yelled so much....then i began to violently cry which went on for about an hour i was sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking....and the worst part was that i had no reason to be that way...i feel better today and i can not explain why i was that way...i rarely cry....and espessially like that. i hope it doesn't happen again. well that is all for now i guess. |
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002 |
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| does anyone know what it means to "toss (someone's) salad" and if so what are the origins of that particular slang????? anyone???? | ||||||||
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| Saturday, April 20th, 2002 |
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| well...i got here...i will be 21 years old tommorrow and i am not sure if i have anything to show for it....i need to do some soul searching...i just never have the time.... | ||||||
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| Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002 |
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| i just can't get it out of me...this feeling...something is wrong. i just don't feel right. my life is about to become very stressful and i don't want it to....but i need the money. | ||||||
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| my head hurts. well, not really but my mood hurts my head...if that makes sense to any of you. i am getting promoted in my job, but i am not sure if i really care to be. i guess i only want to be because the money will be good. hrmph.....i am afraid this mood just won't pass.....nick told me that i was boring in bed. of course this hurt my feelings.....more than you could probably imagine...how the hell am i suppossed to feel sexy if i now know i am boring in bed......gah!!!! i feel so undesirable. i feel just awful...ugly...not anything good..... | ||||||
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| Monday, April 1st, 2002 |
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| i am tired. i am tired of everything. how many times do i have to promise myself that i won't drink that much....how many times do i have to feel this bad before i get the hint? hopfully this time will be different. hopefully this time i will decide to keep my dignity...when i went to my theripist last week he told me some things about myself that i didn't realize. apparently sometimes our actions no matter how unthoughtout can have secret meanings.....i guess i should pay more attention to myself.... | ||||||
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| it is funny how one simple thing will make me want to kill myself. i am always sorry. i can't even write it here...i just want to dissapear....and i am sorry...and i don't want to come out anymore.....and i just feel wrong. | ||
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| Saturday, March 30th, 2002 |
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| my belly hurts. my life is strange and i don't want to die. don't you ever think about that? dieing????? i don't want to. i am terified of it. i keep having dreams of men plotting my death. i guess i am not well right now. | ||
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| Wednesday, March 27th, 2002 |
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| i'll give you everything, anything you just tell me where the line is and when i crossed it. where do i begin and this illness end. does it even exist at all, or have i just given in and accepted that i am shattered when in fact i am just a normal young girl. where will i be in ten years and will it matter to you then, does it matter to you now? why am i even writing this? i don't really care anyway. i keep flashing back to two years ago...to the girl i was. a part of me wants to be that girl again... and i wonder where she is now? and i wonder what she thinks of me now? and i wonder why i care. | ||||||
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| today i feel empty. i feel like i just don't know myself anymore. i wonder if i every really did know myself. every time i grasp at an identifiable piece of myself it all just slips away. i have been living too much in the day to day...of course that was for survival. now i don't feel like i did when i decided to live like this but i don't remember how to just live. i don't remember how to be a normal person. i lost my track......doesn't matter anyway i guess. | ||||
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| Monday, March 25th, 2002 |
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these were taken from a moving car. on my way to boston from malden. |
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| Sunday, March 24th, 2002 |
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| i came accross an old journal today that i kept right after me and nick broke up. back then i thought that i would never be able to get over him. i thought that i could never live without him. it amazes me how much i have changed. once i moved back to plymouth something happened to me...i told myself that i have to be strong and i suddenly was. i grew a wall...i became hard. somehow i just can't get past that wall now to maybe become at least part of the girl i used to be. i feel like i have no feelings i feel so numb. i don't know maybe i am just growing and maturing. maybe as you get older you lose the passion you had as a child. maybe like in the story the little prince it is inevitable to become hard, preoccupied, a victim of matters of consequence...i need passion. i need a purpose. i need something. | ||||||
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i spent all day cleaning the house and now i am exhausted. nick gave me a couple of painkillers so at least i am relaxed. i spent friday night and saturday in boston. nothing really exiting i just slept over adam's on the love seat. nick and adam were busy in adams room messing with adams recording equiptment. on saturday me and nick went to see A Beautiful Mind. i liked it, it really made me think. on another note.... both of my checking accounts have found themselves to be in the minus. i have no money. i really need to start thinking of quick ways to make money. mmm....i just lit a bunch of candles around my computer it feels nice. i have always loved candle light...it feels so romantic.no, something more than that...the words just escape me right now. i guess i will post this.....can't really think of anything to write.....just bored i guess... |
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| Thursday, March 21st, 2002 |
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devin just came over...he just wanted to tell me that he would pay me the 100 dollars he owes me within the next month. then he asked nick to go to the store for him to buy him some vodka. so while nick was at the store devin stayed and talked to me. i don't know why but something about him makes me uneasy. he is too innocent. maybe like i was when i was his age...(seventeen) he told me that when he graduates highschool he is moving to nebraska...but he is looking for someone to go with him(a girl) "...when you find that someone who you can just be with and have intelligent conversations with you just don't want to lose that" "or maybe i am just looking for a reason to stay here...maybe it wouldn't be that bad if i had a girl here..." those are some of the things he said to me. i feel bad for him. i hope he finds what he is looking for. |
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| i am so bored right now. it is very cold in my house. my mouth hurts, i think it has something to do woth the iced tea i got at burger king. every time i get a drink from a fast food place my mouth hurts and my tounge swells. so now my lisp is worse normally you can't even tell i have a lisp. bah!!!!! i need something to do.... | ||||||
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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| i finally got my license. so now i don't have to walk to work anymore. i was so nervous taking my test but i passed, i am so happy. i ahve this wonderful feeling of peace in me right now.yay!!!!! | ||||
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| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 |
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i want to say something...i am just not sure of what it is. do you believe in love? that might be it....do i believe? no...yes i just don't know. i used to think that there would be someone who would come out of the shadows and be my knight in shining armour...i don't believe that anymore. now i know that that won't happen. now i question whether there really is anyone out there that is the perfect match for me. i question almost every emotion that i have had in the past two years. i feel like i have no footing right now, and that is the most confusing place i have been in such a long time. i know all of this may seem trivial to the passersby but to me it is very bothersome. sometimes i feel like i have no emotions at all. sometimes i feel that i could live this life alone and not really be bothered at all. why would it bother me..i could live my life by my rules. i could have all the freedom in the world to write all of my stories without holding anything back. and this?? what i have now, it sucks. i hate it all. i need something new. i need something that excites me. i need something that piques my interests for more than a passing second. i need someone to tell me that they thik i am worth it. i need someone to tell me that they think about me. i need someone to look into my eyes and say hello your my very special one...i need that moment back. |
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to read wonderful things about me.... ( look here.... ) |
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LiveJournal for ruby tuesday.
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curious.
blank.
sad.
happy.