Happy New Year to all you wonderful people! Thanks for standing by me yet again this year, though I haven't always been around for you guys. Hope everyone's achieved what they set out to accomplish in 2003. Drafted your resolutions yet? :D

( The customary First of January post. )

Update: The girlfriend calmed down after a night's rest, but I won't let my guard down yet. A detailed Christmas - New Year report will come up soon, I just want to send this entry up on time. Hope everyone had as much fun as I did. :p

I wonder why it took me my entire 18 years to understand how one's true happiness can only come from assisting others in attaining theirs.


A best friend's ex-girlfriend threatened suicide. He couldn't handle the situation so I spent two hours on the phone, trying to talk her out of taking her life. I really meant it when I told her how much she'll regret this and that he really isn't worth it. No man is worth a woman's life. Why does love give people the courage to do these crazy things? This should have been a wonderful entry spent ranting on how much I love my friends for the TLC they showered upon me at Fabian's party just hours ago, or how lousy I am at pool. Instead, it is about how someone's love for my best friend has destroyed her.

She's just 17, for chrissakes. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and then realise how little I have done for her when I see her face on the papers. I don't want her to die on me, yet I think I might have already said all that I could have. How much of it really went into her head, I've got no idea. My head hurts, literally. I'm so weary after all that preaching, but I know I'll go through anything just to ensure she doesn't make the wrong decision. I hate it when people around me get hurt under the name of 'love'. Shouldn't love be beautiful? Or am I just outdated?

She tells me not to bother and that I shouldn't waste my time on her because we hardly know one another, but how can I step away? I've become a part of this mess and I seem to be the only one who can stop her. My head spins but I still can't think of a way to guarantee her safety. How does she expect me to be nonchalant about her possible suicide when I'm so deeply involved? How can I not think about you and your situation when I have your photograph in my wallet, hear your name everyday and am the only person who knows the entire story, were my exact words. How will I forgive myself if anything happens?


I already had other issues to deal with before tonight's ordeal at the pool parlor. M's been crying her eyes out lately; it's a miracle how no one else seems to notice the swell around her eyes. Another victim of that disgusting word. I don't know why she allows herself to get tortured like this? It hurts me. So much, because I know I might well be one of the reasons she puts up with that monster. This latest argument which started over Christmas seems to be much more impactful than anything I remember, even the near-divorce episode, possibly due to how the few good elements in his personality continues to deteoriorate. Or maybe it's just because I'm paying more attention now.


HL's another one I worry about. Why stay with a guy who abuses you? She's 19, beautiful, smart and an all-round great catch for any guy. Why does she let herself fall into his lovetrap time and time again when she's got all those amazing guys at her heels? Five years of pain might translate into a lifetime of regret if we don't stop her soon, but who I am to do that? I barely know her but I'm willing to help her escape the devil. Yet, guess who's holding back?


What's going to happen tomorrow? I can't bear to shut my eyes.

They, asked me how I knew..
Felice and Kenneth just rang up with an invite for supper. Jimmy can come pick me up, but I can't quite leave the house without informing Mom can I? Waking her up would be the wrong move. And I probably should diet anyway. :(

My true love was true..
Shopped at Causeway Point briefly before frittering my day away at the Woodlands flat. Watched the Newcastle/Liverpool match. Ate a hell lot. Guilt trip. It was quiet in the house today. Germs is on a mini-vacation in Kuala Lumpur, Alex's planning a trip to Japan while Kathy's leaving for someplace next week. I'm dead jealous. I need to move my butt of out this country before my A'levels. Receiving photographs of my September's Perth rendezvous from Uncle Tommy triggered my travel bug. Badly.

I of course replied, something here inside..
On the journey home, without reason, my mind was filled with thoughts of Hamilton. Haven't thought about him for a bit. But I was still smiling upon reaching the lift lobby, while bending over to pry my letterbox open. Then the magic happened.

Can not be denied.
Footsteps. I looked up. Hamilton. I cannot believe that after so many years, he still holds that power over me. Yet he was, after all, the first guy who made me skip a beat after the entire "Kel phase". He looked great. How did I ever think of Jason as Ham's carbon copy? These two studs have nothing in common. Hamilton's soft good night confused me. After letting me down on New Year's Day, why is he turning out to be the guy I wished for?

Long entry; bear with me. :D

Monday
Pulau Ubin with Joey and the boys from school. The blues caught up instead, and I was stuck at home with that terrible backache which had been plaguing me all weekend. Friend's party at Embassy. On a Monday? Who are we kidding?

Tuesday
Driving lessons stress me out. Yet, considering the fact that my next lesson's scheduled for the 20th, I'll be missing it soon enough. We were out on the roads for the first time and well, though I panicked when I hit 60km/h and screwed up a tad while changing gears, I think I handled it fine. I want my license.

Met up in town with Jeremy, Geraldine and Benjamin, with girlfriend in tow. Discussed a million things. Don't think I've seen the guys in a while. Those ingrates have been busy all year with their A'levels and other commitments, i.e. girlfriends, and they'll be shipped off to Tekong in no time. Ben in January, Jems in April. That's goodbye to my culture kakis (buddies). No more concerts, art/movie festivals, plays and.. you get my drift.

Later in the night, Ben and Irene left for dinner and the rest of us head down to join Yan, Seng and Carol at City Hall. Grabbed some Mos Burger before hurrying to a singing session at Seng's workplace. Ode to my Family and J-J-Jaded were highlights, Jems' rendition of U2's Beautiful Day wasn't. Joan joined us for supper near my place. Walked home in a lousy bid to get rid of the roti prata I digested.

Wednesday
Managed to, miraculously, cough out all the appropriate answers in French class. I've been the poorest student in my Intermediate class by far and not, if put crudely, screwing up, felt good. Samantha called up before class, attempting to persuade me into joining her at Zouk but I declined. Been rejecting invites to En Lounge all fortnight as well. What's with this week and clubbing?

Thursday
Spent the day abseiling and rock-climbing with Joey and Enrique. Abseiling was fine, though I experienced a temporary loss of nerve just before hopping off the roof. I was a failure at rock-climbing though! Didn't manage to complete the wall, leaving me disappointed and a wee bit embarrassed. Weak arms - I need to gym more.

And as if all that wasn't enough to aggravate my back, I had my yoga class in the evening. Was so tired I almost fell asleep in meditation. Must have broken my back while practicing the Cobra posture. Too many activities.

Friday
Skipped drums. Didn't think I'd be able to raise my arms for practice. An incredible ache's going through my limbs and I discovered bruises on my knees which left me wondering if I attained them while climbing or during stretching for yoga. Joey has been complaining of a sore body too. That knowledge made me feel better; at least I'm not as unfit as I thought I was. :D

Nothing.

Now. Let's try this - an incoherent, utterly random entry. I'll attempt completing and posting it without cringing at the lack of organisation, while you (I shall assume that someone will read this) are supposed to sit back and try to make sense of what I have got to say. Call it laziness, but I can't be bothered to think before typing right now.

+ Think I caught a chill. First it was the awful sore throat which has been plaguing me from yesterday, then it was my miserable runny nose that has left me typing with one hand (while the other's clasping dearly to some crumpled pieces of Kleenex) for the past hour.

+ A-level examination: Mandarin paper. I'm just glad that it is over.

+ I was all over town running errands today. Finally got my "missing pages" book replaced at Kinokuniya. I also bought a new deck of Tarot cards from Times. Why the rekindled interest? I don't know yet.

+ Caught Matrix Revolutions with Carol, Yan and Min, courtesy of Ca's dad. No comments. Maybe except that Mr Reeves' blindfolded look captured my attention more than the plot did. Oh. And I love the way Trinity hugs Neo, plus the way he calls her "Trin" in his sleazy voice. Everyone of us needs our own tall, dark and handsome trenchcoat-wearing man behind dark sunglasses, don't we? Not to mention all the slow-mo action sequences. Yep, we do.

+ At 1am, Ger became the third person who's called up to whine about getting tricked into filling up the "Love Calculator". Yes, it's that now infamous website where you are told to enter the names of your crushes for a seemingly innocent game only to get informed, upon clicking on Send, that the names have been submitted to the smart aleck who directed you to the website. And like the rest, she had typed the smart aleck's name in one of the columns. The only bit of consolation I could serve up, was that "that smart aleck must have had been fooled himself". That meek response didn't help much though.

+ Hung out around the Esplanade. Supper on Min's boyfriend. Got a ride home. Hit home at two, just in time for the email. Things could not have gone better.

I haven't quite moved from my computer seat since stumbling home at 4am from the Woodlands flat. My original excuse for going online went along the lines of "waiting for my hair to dry off". Oh well.

1) Been spending all my Saturday nights at the flat lately. Weekly movie marathons with a free flow of supper is proving to be benefical to my wallet and extremely sinful to my diet, all at the same time. We celebrated PMM and A.Gladys' birthdays over dinner, coffee cake and some ice-cream. Watched Rundown and Charlie's Angels. We've been selecting such no-brainers week after week because they are the only movies we can understand amid all the noise.

2) I admit to spying on Ley on Friendster. :\

3) My grades were terrible, but I did make it to Year3. That's nothing to rejoice about due to my passionate hate for Project Work.

4) 7am. I still can't get my sleep pattern back on schedule. Been surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep on school days, which perfectly explains my extreming between hyperactivity (caffeine) and grumpiness (hunger). I need help.

5) Mayday! I need to write about the Mayday concert. Love them to bits! :)

6) Am I the only person in Singapore who's so entirely sick of the overly-friendly staff at McDonald's who demand high-fives and sing loud cheers at all the wrong times? They're creepy. Plus they seem to derive pleasure from disrupting and scaring us while we study and mind our own businesses. Why put on the tiresome act? We got used to the lousy service eons ago. Please stop; I'm so not loving it.

1) There's nothing better than Pippo Inzaghi at 4am. Ok. Him and the entire Italian team. The guilt of paying more attention to the boys than the game is killing me. But how can anyone blame me? They're Italians! Oh well. It must be the jersey; ain't tight-fit anymore but hey, the new collar's a classic. :)

2) I had a really good day. Pleasant contrast from the couple of awful exam dates I went through. Two down, a whole week to go. Ugh.

3) Went to visit Felice at the Woodlands flat. Poor girl's just been discharged from the hospital today. I haven't had the time to call her personally after the operation, thank god it went fine. We were evil, tempting her with forbidden food. Heh.

4) Supper with Germs and her dad at Alameen. Milo T-Rex and Cheese Prata. I'm consistent when it comes to supper. Only supper. Oh, and I almost lost my mobile phone too. Silly me left without picking it up. A couple of honest men safekept it for me and really saved my ass. I don't want to go through the nightmare of scouring for my friends' numbers again. Plus my mobile's got a trade-in value of 300 bucks. Singaporeans aren't that bad after all. :P

5) I think the real reason for my excellent mood is the new hairstyle I discovered today. haha. Vanity's beginning to own me. My hair's rather versatile for its length and I've been experimenting with different styles lately. A new look everyday! Classmates showering me with positive comments encourages this behaviour. Love 'em.

6) Bothering with hair keeps my mind off other things. Good news really. It keeps me chirpy. Yeah.

7) Pippo just gave an innocent pout. *awww* How does this 30-year-old stay so childlike? *sigh* I really need to move to Milan!

8) It's Line's birthday! Party at her house later. We bought her some Anna Sui scent, she's so gonna love us. Was on the phone with her a bit.. Oh that lucky girl had a mini bash at Chinablack, her boyfriend's getting her a mobile phone and she has us! What more does she need? I'm utterly envious of my best pal! :)

9) Good morning! Have a great Sunday everyone! I'm feeling random today. And lazy. So what else is new?

It's exam week, or fortnight, to be exact. I need a break, some time to just sit and concentrate on the wind's wispy voice. It is usually at times like this - 6am with a cup of coffee in one hand, a stack of notes in the other - when you start to consider "giving up".

To be fair, I haven't thrown in as much effort as I had expected myself to. The weekend passed me by in a breeze and Friday in particular, was my stumbling block. Two hours of studying with Ben sounds good, but not when accompanied by hanging out with Yan and Carol, and playing pool till 3am with Joan, Eileen and Zed. Suffering a guilt trip here.

Skipping school again tomorrow this morning. My exams begin on Thursday, I've got my Basic Theory exam later today; guess I won't be attending French on Wednesday. I see a terrible week ahead. Forgive me, but I'm feeling an incredible urge to whine. No one told me preparing for one's exams in advance would be such a miserable experience. Why do I even try? Something along the lines of "you reap what you sow"?

Right.

"我從那時候起就很喜歡你了 可是在那之前你已經喜歡她
如果還有下輩子 我一定要跑在她的前面
在你還沒有看到她以前 死纏著你不放
但是這輩子 已經來不及了 宿命的安排就是這樣
上天安排我們在一起 其實就是為了要告訴你 你有多愛她"
I know I'm wrecked when the unfamiliar Chinese language starts dominating my thought bubbles. More Mandarin quotes coming up in the next few entries. Bear with me; these statements seem like the only things able to describe my recent moods so accurately.

Blew the dust off stacks of notes and finally began my revision on Monday. Been cramming in school from 6-9pm after class, three nights out of four. How's that for effort? I haven't had much progress, that I must admit, but neither have I ever started my revision this early. Received many pats on the back; everyone seems to be impressed.

My stale evening was livened slightly by The Real T's surprise appearance. I now realise that he is to blame for all the mood swings I went through these past months. For if it weren't for the case of mistaken identity he caused, I might never have spotted Ley's existence. I wonder what might have happened instead; if only there was a way to find out..

My original plan for the weekend went something like "Begin revision for Promotional Exams". As you can tell, it didn't quite work out.

After my usual music class on Friday, I met up with Yan for a late lunch and bits of shopping. Carol and Ger joined us subsequently and we spent the night singing away at the regular KTV. Then Ger and I made a trip to town for supper with Zed, Jeff and Christopher. Took a cab home; I hate the midnight surcharge. It's the main reason for the 3-dollar balance in my bank account. Ugh.

Germaine's birthday party on Saturday. I made my way down to the Woodlands' flat on a cab with Yi after wasting my day on sleep and TV. As one would expect from any 'Maine party, the food was great. Mad props to whoever who bought the Tiramisu! The Peach/Milo Mousse was a risk well-taken. Too bad nobody bothered to pick up cakes from Awfully Chocolate this time. I miss those. Less excitingly though, I found out how terrible I am at Bridge. How could this be true? I taught them how to play! Ugh. But the night ended well. I instigated an encore of the birthday song at the strike of 12, got myself a ride home at 2, and finally got to sleep at 5.

High Tea with Mom today. A quaint 3-piece band, apparently very popular during the 60s, gave an ambient-enhancing performance. I was greatly impressed, as I'd just been having a conversation with their lead singer, without realising she was more than the common "auntie". The only reason we were speaking at all was the fact that she resides in France. Was tempted, for a moment or two, to practise for my DELF oral. Heh. And the food? It was okay.

I don't think I had a good weekend. But with the exams coming up, next week's would definitely be worse. Back to being a miserable student in a couple of hours; I miss my freedom already.

The rain didn't quite pause today. Not till I was stuck indoors in a windowless lecture room, at least. Rain, especially heavy downpours, cast spells on me. He's never around on these lovely, rainy days. I struggled, rather guiltily, to keep my eyes open in most of my classes. Another reason to love rain - it makes for a great distraction, an escape from nothing and everything.

In other news, I passed my Basic Theory Evaluation and made a booking for next month's Test today. 76 correct answers out of 80 ain't too bad now, is it? I wasn't expecting a pass. After a tiny bit of jubilation, I went on to attend my fourth and last theory lesson. A teacher from school was in my class. The funny thing about going to the Driving Centre, is all the people you end up reuniting with. In my 5 trips, I have run into Bradley, ex-schoolmates, a couple of my best pals' exes, old friends, acquaintances made recently, an ex-crush and some others who don't fit into any of the above categories.

And then there are those who you meet repeatedly and somehow remember, without ever exchanging a word. This guy took too many glances at Ger and I today. I recognised him immediately. We must have met at the Centre previously, although the exact timing and location eludes me. He's cute, and left me wondering why I didn't notice that the first time round. The thought of never seeing Glancer again did leave a bitter aftertaste amid the happiness of getting the dreadful theory lessons over and done with. Ugh. I'll never be happy.

My twelve weeks away from LiveJournal slipped by in a blur. I dare say much has been achieved, although some things remain stubbornly stagnant. More about those later; no whining on my return entry.

I turned 18 reluctantly, gave blood, had a whirlwind 5-day stay in Perth, cried more than I'd ever admit to, caught 2 movie premieres (Pirates!), had a wonderful birthday, worked my priorities out, expanded my social circle, am about to sit for my (Drivers') Basic Theory, got new glasses, took loads of photographs, stole a mini Jay Chou ad board from an M1 shop, got showered in all the Tender Loving Care the great friends around me offered during my 'fragile days', and well, just hung out a hell lot. Not too bad, I guess.

One day - I just know it - I'll have to slap myself for failing to record the many moments of this magical period. Me and my terrible habits! I'm back for good this time though.

Good news? Or bad news? :)

Overslept and completely missed drum class. My timeslot hasn't shifted for one and a half years, and I still get nagged at for latecoming and absentism. Ugh. Bad way to start the day. So I called some people up, whined a bit, and reshuffled appointments.

I decided on joining Benjamin and his pal for study group. Quit choking! I did study, though I'll have to admit that that was my first attempt at any form of school work all vacation. Read some chapters of Hardy for Literature and tried to cram details about the German Unification into my system. History's a pain, especially when you're taking it for the first time. I only realise now, that 1.5 years of History lectures and tutorials have had no effect on me. :(

Met up with Gera later in the evening for some retail therapy before dinner. As if all that shopping with Caroline yesterday wasn't enough. My legs nearly gave way, but were motivated by the fact that I had purchased sparkling new Adidas. Heh. I'm happily broke - you don't hear that often, do you?

Went for midnight supper with Uncle Adrian, Kenneth and Kathleen. Cheese prata and Milo Dinosaur. "Diet starts tomorrow." Perseverance eludes me.

It's 6am and I really should be going to bed. But my eyes won't shut! Darn. This is going to be a long day.

I can feel a mini-temper brewing. Lost an entire entry to some server problem. The things that happen when I put in effort for a decent post.. Argh!

To summarise things: This has been the only day, all school break, that I've spent at home. Idling was good - I needed the beauty sleep.

That's about it. I'm getting too weary to continue. :(

I'm dreading the upcoming return to school. If only because he's the last person I want to see. In her company, no less. :(

Here's what I've been up to since my last update, before I forget.

Went shopping with the girls on Wednesday. Lunch, waltzing from shop to shop, and a tea party followed by sofa-hopping at Ikea was the perfect way to spend that afternoon. Just too bad they had to ruin it with an evening out with the Jerk. Ger's Jerk, not mine. (Everyone has their own Jerk these days.) Looks like he now has more interest in either Carol or Yan. He sure proved himself worthy of his nickname, with the way he treated Ger. Not too sure if she's as okay about it as she seems.

Our excursion to Escape Park on Thursday couldn't have come at a better time. Ger got her a chance to let off some steam in the midst of our chatter, giggles and screams. We kept ourselves entertained, despite the obvious lack of ride variety, all the way till closing time. Yan and I were singing instead of yelling on the 360° Pepsi Machine, Min found the mild Viking scarier than the inverting Cadbury(!), Carol gave my favorite Go-Kart a skip, while Joan almost fell into a large murky pond. Near 10pm, we were the last ones on the "Wet Log Ride" - I can't remember what its actual name is - and boy did we get wet! We took photographs on the long train ride home, completely worn out and each having obtained some form of minor injury as a souvenir.

Friday began with a Project Work Meeting at Queensway in the morning. Finally got a new piercing on my left ear. Been itching to get it done all vacation. Then I went to town for class as usual and met up with the dejected Ger at Coffee Club Xpress. I still don't know how to make her feel better. We did a bit of shopping before heading home.

Met Lin and Nadrah in school today for yet another PWM. I rushed down to Orchard for lunch with Sheila and Ger. Sheila left for a hair appointment, while Benjamin joined us. Browsed for shoes. I ended the day with dinner with Grams. She's going on a holiday - again! That's too exciting a lifestyle for a lady her age! Enviable.

I can't believe it took me 6 entire weeks to post my 900th entry. Procrastination knows no boundaries. Oh well. Guess my mood's to blame; I've been either too worn out or upset to make the effort for a legible entry. I spent the past month and a half whining about how miserable my life is, being temperamental, angsty, and a pain in the ass to hang out with. Thank god for friends.

What have I been up to? My life has been a bit of a whirlwind since the last waking-up-to-smell-the-coffee entry. I got into quite a bit of trouble at school, and subsequently with Mom. Arguments aplenty, followed by her tears and my giving up. When has a simple conversation between us become so difficult to attain? It hurts to realise how our relationship has faltered, it feels like I'm losing grip on the only bit of "family" I was attached to. Wonder if this has more to do with adolescence or menopause.

That month was a period of awakening. I found out I couldn't handle the fact that I lost Ley, that I'm nowhere near anything I want to achieve, and that I've just been sweeping everything that bothered me about my life under some gigantic rug. The thing about problems is that they always hit you at the same time. The rug finally gave way, and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

I let myself wallow in self-pity for a while. I needed that. The last thing I wanted my journal to be about was my rants and complains about how badly the world was treating me, so I stayed away. The people on my friends' list shouldn't be suffering just because I was.

I recovered eventually. It took some time, but anticipation over the school break and the showers of concern my friends supplied, sped up the process. My schedule was packed, I was drained, but it felt great to be kept busy constantly. And I had a life for once.

Tcw's chalet, a housewarming party, birthday parties, lounging over caffeine, Karaoke sessions, shopping, spending sprees, plain hanging out, detention, rehearsals for the all-important annual play, baking, enjoying good food, boring Ju-on and adorable Finding Nemo back-to-back, the embarrassing Agent Cody Banks, the play Revelations at the Raffles' Hotel's Jubilee Hall, sushi and ramen, an excursion to the stock exchange, project meetings in libraries all over town, reporting theft at a police station at 1am, painting my classroom, lessons, an impromptu barbecue, sleepovers, swimming, new tan, pizza, and yeah I almost forgot.. school. That's all I remember. Hee. Pardon me if this sounds like a brag - it isn't. :)

Still enjoying my current lifestyle, but half of this brilliant school vacation's almost over! I will update more often, now that my life and pessimism's under control. Don't give up on me. I would never quit journaling without notice - that's a promise. I missed the late night typing, your lovely comments and having your virtual shoulders to cry on. And most importantly, my right to whine. :p

Hope everyone's fine and well.

Procrastination and inconsistency are two of my worst character traits. But I bet you knew that already. I would have apologized for playing the disappearing game again, but insincerity is hypocritical. I chose not to update. Indecisiveness is me, dwelling on soppy events isn't.

Spent the past fortnight "hanging out". It took quite a bit of literal prompting (i.e. elbowing), before I realised that my studies have taken a backseat to my other commitments. Okay. So it has never been my top priority in the first place, but this is different. I am supposed to be a responsible student preparing for next year's A-level exam. Quit rolling your eyes.

I have not been much of a student lately, except for the donning-the-hideous-uniform and the going-to-school parts. Most of the time anyway. I like the way my current schedule's crammed with names, classes and places. I would pick weariness over boredom anyday. Got to admit though, that 12.5 hours of sleep spread over 4 school days was a mistake. Period.

Big hugs to those who dropped emails or ICQ messages. But no. I did not get quarantined - that would logically leave me with more time to whine online. Anyone missed me? :)

So I abandoned my journal, rather reluctantly, for 10 days. I have been either, (a) too depressed, (b) too busy or (c) too worn out, to write. (No, this has nothing to with the issue brought up in my last entry. I had calmed down before typing that, and your kind comments really helped. Thank you.)

I crammed all sorts of activities and meet-ups into my schedule in a bid to avoid being (a), but ended up feeling (c). It was worth it though. Nothing beats the satisfaction of time well-spent. Here's a brief summary of what I did, lest I forget the socially-fabulous, emotionally-exhausting week I had.

We went back to school on Wednesday and I struggled to keep my eyes open after the many late nights I pulled myself through during the SARS break. My friends were safe and well, and that was comforting to know, amid the gloom of the war and local epidemic. Adam's absence was worrying though.

Thursday was tiring as usual. The teachers dropped the bomb on us by informing us that yes, the redundant Common Tests will go on as scheduled. Which meant I had exactly 24 hours to prepare for History, Chinese, Economics and General Paper. Yay. I decided I couldn't care less. Because school had resumed, Mom finally let me return to French class after a self-declared 2 weeks break. She even made me miss my Trivial Pursuit competition!

My world came crashing down on me on Friday when I realised that I had blatantly ignored what Bradley had been trying to "tell" me. I asked for the truth, but couldn't handle his honesty. I was confused, and hurt. And I had tests till 6 in the afternoon. A coffee invitation arrived in the form of a text message and I ended up discussing the problem with Sheila and Geraldine at Coffeebean WM. Arrived home near midnight, with the next morning's tests completely out of mind.

Saturday was yet another dramatic day. Two tests and the events of the short school-week running through my head. Ley did his regular make-Cindy's-life-miserable routine and it naturally worked. Went shopping with Hui. Managed to resist moping around until it was time for a coffee break. I let everything out. My anger at his apparent nonchalance and how much pain it was causing me. I never imagined that seeing him in bliss could hurt me. Another late night out.

I went and got my hair cut on Sunday. I always do that when I am feeling melancholy. It made me feel better and I now have an asymmetrical fringe that slants significantly to my right. Shopping and dinner with Caroline. Did I mention I spent $150 in a week? A school week? Talk about retail therapy - I have no idea where the money went.

The rest of my time away goes into another entry. It is pretty annoying to vanish for 10 days and make a comeback with a lengthy and yawn-inducing entry, isn't it? I did keep up with my friends' entries, if you really have to know. I haven't got much of a life anyway.

I needed a warm drink to calm my nerves. So I grabbed my Moo-Moo mug and boiled some water. My lousy estimation resulted in a terribly bland cup of Milo; it is helping the migraine though. Was tempted to gorge on a bar of Kit Kat Chunky, but I so do not need the fat.

--
My eyes hurt from all that crying. I lost control. Of my emotions, tears, and thoughts. I feel guilty for venting my anger on Mom. It is a tough job, having been sandwiched between her child and husband for the past 17 years or so. I don't know how, or why, she continues to hold on to this marriage. Is it what they call unconditional love - putting up with a person's faults for the rest of your life?

I hate my father. I know what you're thinking but believe me, this isn't a rash remark induced by tonight's events. I have never liked my father. Not for a moment. This might be a mean, unfilial or ungrateful thing to say, but if you grew up with me, you most definitely wouldn't hold it against me. There is more to this than the regular domestic dispute.

One-sided arguments with him, both massive and minor, have been such a prominent element of my daily life that I have given up discussing them anywhere. Not with my closest friends, not on LiveJournal. Nobody understands. Except my maternal family; they know, firsthand, of the mental abuse he puts me through.

That is all I have to say. I never elaborate on our million conflicts, both here and in real life, because there is simply too much to explain and I would hate to get worked up again. I never write about him either, but something told me I had to. I almost made the most important decision of my entire life tonight.


I do not expect anyone to understand or empathize; I'm not looking for a pity party. Just don't judge me. Please?