You know, of all the feelings and emotions I've been bombarded with in the last week or so, I've gotta say that the oddest one is of being free.

I have rekindled my love for all that is Cassie Claire. Everyone on my flist who has not yet discovered the joys of the Draco Trilogy, I demand you go start reading it, beginning at this link:

http://www.schnoogle.com/authors/cassie/DD01.html

Or, go visit her livejournal: epicyclical

nobody even fucking cares.

i'm so tired of being the one who gets piles of hate.

what do i do to deserve it?

exist. thanks.

i'll try to be a bitch from now on.

save everyone the trouble of me fucking up their lives.

i wish i were ugly; things wouldn't be so complicated.

i wish i were stupid, so i couldn't understand, so i couldn't get hurt.

i wish you were dead.

and i wish i could be.

okay, let me clarify on that last post a bit, seeing as i'm calm:

gemlord opal is james, justin's best friend. i called justin to ask him what the fuck was going on and he said, rushed, rudely, and in a snappy tone, that "I told you I can't talk to you anymore I have to work on this relationship" over & over again [Ketura (referring to her as "666" here on out) was there, she almost picked up and I heard her voice]. he was rude, he would only really say that regardless of how i asked my questions, and when i asked him what the hell james was talking about with the pink razor thing he was like "you told [666], how do you think i found out?"

now, this proves a couple things: she's told him lies about me recently (pink razor? probably came out of her ass, seeing as i've never owned one, and never told her about it anyway [she knew i cut but that was the extent of her knowledge, and why would that come up now? oh, maybe to try and make me look like an unstable freak? she would know, she's been through worse], she's threatened something to him otherwise he wouldn't've acted like that, and she thought i was a threat [which was also confirmed by whipped!boy].

what i am slightly confused about is how she managed to convince assfuck of these lies, or how she managed to convince whipped!boy to tell the assfuck. considering that 1) assfuck apparently had a crush on me after the first time we talked and 2) assfuck is NOT fond of 666 in the least (see previous entries), it's quite curious as to how he managed to threaten and .. in a sense "disown" me that way. quite curious indeed.

and i'm actually in a better mood than i was last night, partly because i told whipped!boy that hey, your bitchy slut won, tell her that, our friendship is over, and partly because the last text i got from him was "leave me alone forever if i talk to you ever again it will be too soon even if we break up i don't want to have anything to do with you" - pretty damn amusing, if you ask me. he's not like that, so it's obvious he's seeing the relationship go down the drain: "even if we do break up" - if you're so sure about 666, that wouldn't even cross your mind, smartass. "if i talk to you ever again"? what, i thought you never could? (also funny: previously on the phone i had said oh, what, so it'll be a good 10 years or so before i can talk to you again? and he answers "no, i'll decide that" - yeah, right, like you're deciding everything else in your 'relatioship,' hahaha). funny shit for two "adults" who "care" about eachother so much and "get along" so well. especially seeing as before, whipped!boy said very opposite things, assuring me our friendship wouldn't be affected, that he understood jealousy getting in the way of friendships; yes, i'm sure you have SUCH a good grasp on those thoughts. or, wait, is that grasp her hand on your dick?

(22:15:35) xrosedaughter: dammit
(22:15:36) xrosedaughter: sorry
(22:15:43) xrosedaughter: what? heh
(22:15:48) GemLord Opal: s'ok.
(22:15:59) GemLord Opal: GemLord OpalGemLord Opal: so if we were in me room and I was snuggling you ya couldn't...?
(22:16:25) xrosedaughter: i don't know
(22:17:22) GemLord Opal: hm so I take it you don't masturbate often.
(22:17:44) xrosedaughter: not anymore, no.
(22:20:58) GemLord Opal: tried to lately?
(22:21:21) xrosedaughter: mmph, no
(22:22:03) GemLord Opal: ya could try working on it to get that libido back, if it suits you of course.
(22:22:27) xrosedaughter: i can't though, haha
(22:22:33) xrosedaughter: it doesn't do anything for me
(22:26:06) GemLord Opal: it doesn't, not even G-spot stimulation etc.?
(22:26:41) xrosedaughter: nope. i have to go for a long time to get anything out of it, so it's not worth it
(22:27:34) GemLord Opal: hm how many mg is your zoloft, and how many doses per day?
(22:27:47) xrosedaughter: 150mg, one dose
(22:28:54) GemLord Opal: and you're taking it...why?
(22:29:31) xrosedaughter: ....so i don't turn into a cliche ghost, so i don't cut, so i don't cry 3 times a week, so i don't try to od?
(22:30:15) GemLord Opal: a cliche ghost?
(22:30:25) xrosedaughter: i was empty
(22:30:28) xrosedaughter: a shell, a ghost
(22:30:32) xrosedaughter: it sounds cliche
(22:30:52) GemLord Opal: and yeah I heard about your "cutting" with a pin safety razor yes?
(22:31:08) xrosedaughter: you heard about my cutting?
(22:31:33) GemLord Opal: yep.
(22:31:40) xrosedaughter: wait, how?
(22:32:05) GemLord Opal: you sure you get enough attention from your parents? just curious.
(22:32:27) xrosedaughter: oh yeah, my parents are.. well, amazing considering what parents can be these days.
(22:32:44) GemLord Opal: then why do you bother with the cutting and whatnot?
(22:32:57) xrosedaughter: it wasn't environmental for me
(22:33:06) xrosedaughter: everything that was wrong was inside me
(22:33:14) xrosedaughter: not the rest of the world, really.
(22:33:44) GemLord Opal: and what is supposidly wrong inside of you?
(22:34:06) xrosedaughter: mentally. lack of seratonin. i couldn't be.. happy
(22:34:33) GemLord Opal: well zoloft isn't a seratonin uptake medicine.
(22:35:13) xrosedaughter: i was on prozac for four months
(22:35:18) xrosedaughter: i built up a tolerance to it
(22:35:37) GemLord Opal: prozac pssh...it's over-rated.
(22:35:50) xrosedaughter: yes
(22:36:08) GemLord Opal: give welbutrin a shot it is a seratonin uptake medicine.
(22:36:47) xrosedaughter: zoloft has done nicely for the last year.
(22:37:08) GemLord Opal: perhaps, but it ain't fixing the problem.
(22:37:31) xrosedaughter: are you one to judge?
(22:37:49) GemLord Opal: nope I just know my psychological meds.
(22:37:58) xrosedaughter: and i know mine.
(22:38:30) GemLord Opal: if you lack the seratonin go for Welbutrin...it'll restore those levels.
(22:39:03) xrosedaughter: it's the lack of production. just giving me higher levels of seratonin isn't enough.
(22:40:32) GemLord Opal: it may not be, but it'd probally be doing more to repair things than the zoloft is.
(22:40:53) xrosedaughter: i'm not switching medications
(22:41:20) GemLord Opal: any particular reason why?
(22:41:29) xrosedaughter: because the zoloft works for me?
(22:42:53) GemLord Opal: perhaps, but wouldn't you rather the problem be fixed as opposed to not treated at all? I mean you do know what happens if the seratonin drops to 0 right?
(22:43:32) xrosedaughter: be fixed? it's not just a matter of "fixing" it, i was born with my brain not doing its job with the seratonin
(22:44:10) GemLord Opal: pardon, treated.
(22:44:18) xrosedaughter: and it's being treated
(22:45:23) GemLord Opal: well if the zoloft doesn't stimulate production or add aforementioned chem to your system, I fail to see how that can be regarded as "treatment".
(22:45:51) xrosedaughter: selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor. ssri.
(22:45:55) xrosedaughter: it's doing its job.
(22:47:28) GemLord Opal: hm... well if you enjoy having a crippled libido then I suppose I've got nothing else to say on the matter.
(22:47:50) xrosedaughter: where is it your place to tell me the decency of my medication?
(22:48:16) xrosedaughter: my libido is FINE, i'm not a guy, i don't have to jack off 4 times a day to be happy, and in other situations i'm just fine
(22:48:39) xrosedaughter: and i'd rather be the way i am with zoloft than at ANY point before. i was NOTHING, and you don't know about it.
(22:49:24) GemLord Opal: you sure the support for the mood swings is working?
(22:50:00) xrosedaughter: i don't know what's gotten into you, but you don't sound like the james i've been talking to lately.
(22:50:59) GemLord Opal: you're text is conveying that you're pissed, whereas there is no reason to be as I have not acosted you in any way, therefore it causes me to wonder.
(22:51:18) xrosedaughter: and your text is conveying that you're being an ass.
(22:51:44) GemLord Opal: why are you angry though, when you obviously have no reason to be?
(22:52:11) xrosedaughter: because you have no idea what i've been through, and the way you're phrasing your arguments makes it sound patronizing. i. do. not. like. to be patronized.
(22:56:49) GemLord Opal: I've alot more idea than you assume, considering I've had anxiety/panic disorder and severe depression for years, as for patronizing, no I doubt it fits the example, seeing as in I never implied I was superior to you, I was making suggestions out of concern.
(22:57:15) xrosedaughter: well, the way you showed it was pretty condescending and rude.
(22:57:35) GemLord Opal: in what manner?
(22:57:54) xrosedaughter: you're basically saying "okay well stick to zoloft if you want to be fucked up for awhile"
(22:58:06) xrosedaughter: i don't see how that's concerned more than obnoxious.
(22:59:48) GemLord Opal: if you took it that way, then I'd have to conclude it's doing nothing for your "evil moodswings", that or you have an extremely short fuse.
(23:00:45) xrosedaughter: yes, that's so sweet of you, i can see how you think i'm nearly bipolar when you say perfectly normal things like that.
(23:01:08) xrosedaughter: there are a few pet peeves of mine that make me very angry, and being talked down to is one of them.
(23:02:41) GemLord Opal: if I was talking down to you I'd be using far larger vocabulary words than those lol
(23:03:30) xrosedaughter: well, let me put it in simple terms then: you're being a snipey ass with comments like "you have an extremely short fuse"
(23:12:52) xrosedaughter: you also didn't answer my question earlier.
(23:21:20) GemLord Opal: I purposely didn't answer, anyway I hope you were aware of these: http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/sepp/2004/07/25/pfizer_sued_in_california_covering_up_zoloft_side_effects.htm http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2004/8/emw148258.htm Aside from that if you're going to get angry and swing your mood to nasty, then you and this is very smug, prove my theory that you're probally having drug interactions, and are possibly addicted, considering you would have easy access to the drugs given your mom's profession.
(23:21:54) xrosedaughter: why didn't you answer?
(23:24:07) xrosedaughter: i'm only angry because of the way you presented your comments.  they were snide, you know it.  nothing more than a placebo? hahaha, bullshit :D drug interactions? nothing past normal side effects, and few at that. addicted? god no. afraid of being what i was before, yes. 
(23:28:42) GemLord Opal: as for the pink razor bit, I learned that from Justin, and sorry to say, but yer behavior is only proving that you may want to look into some anti-bi-polar meds, or possibly some antipsychotics...and I'll include this much, you will be leaving him and the others associated with him be, is that explicitly clear ya nut? (note: this is condenscending and snide, learn the difference between this and my prior text.)
(23:30:05) xrosedaughter: what? pink razor? i never cut with a razor, and i didn't think justin knew, so i don't know where he's getting that info from.  and um, bipolar/antipsychotic? you know, that's EXACTLY what i'm talking about, that sort of shit  you've been saying tonight, i'm not bipolar or psychotic, and it's incredibly rude for you to think so and/or assume as much, ESPECIALLY when you've never even met me.
(23:30:22) xrosedaughter: and leaving justin and those associated with him alone? what the fuck does that mean?
(23:30:45) xrosedaughter: you sound like ketura
(23:30:53) xrosedaughter: and that's NOT a compliment.
(23:32:43) xrosedaughter: he is my FRIEND, i'm not going to just "leave him be"
(23:34:21) GemLord Opal: as I recall he specifically told you he can't be your friend, or did you incur memory loss as well? and something about oh say, 6 actual meds you're on because your mom "hooked that up" for you?
(23:34:36) xrosedaughter: you're not james
(23:34:45) xrosedaughter: that's bullshit, he NEVER said he couldn't be friends with me
(23:35:00) GemLord Opal: listen little girl you will stay away from him...going to get that through your drugged up mind?
(23:35:11) xrosedaughter: i won't stay away from him.
(23:35:28) xrosedaughter: and i'm not a little girl.
(23:36:01) GemLord Opal: you've proven that you are...a spoiled little rich girl, who has a thing for meds.
(23:37:23) xrosedaughter: oh yeah, two medications, one so i can look good and one so i can feel good. i'm addicted alright. and a spoiled little rich girl? spoiled, no, little, definitely not, rich, hardly, but i'll tell you that you're either not james or else you are incredibly jealous that i like justin and not you.
(23:37:50) GemLord Opal: and lastly you will stay away from him, afterall this is a 2 way road, and you're treading past the median Alison.
(23:38:05) xrosedaughter: i will do as i please without your permission.
(23:40:19) GemLord Opal: you picked the wrong fellow to project your insane obsession on...that third warning is all you get alison, stay away from him, his family and his friends, or I will use my legal knowledge to stick a restraining order on you, understand?
(23:41:42) xrosedaughter: oh horse shit
(23:41:43) xrosedaughter: you can't do that
(23:41:46) xrosedaughter: i'm not doing anything wrong
(23:41:54) xrosedaughter: you're sounding like ketura
(23:43:11) GemLord Opal: actually you are, it's called stalking.
(23:43:18) xrosedaughter: hahahaha
(23:43:21) xrosedaughter: yeah right
(23:43:40) xrosedaughter: i don't know what the fuck ketura has pulled on you and justin
(23:43:43) xrosedaughter: but i will find out
(23:43:50) xrosedaughter: don't you dare threaten me y ou insecure brat
(23:44:10) GemLord Opal: like I said, restraining order.
(23:44:20) GemLord Opal: hope that is crystal with you.
(23:44:22) xrosedaughter: like i said, bullshit.
(23:44:35) GemLord Opal: say sayonara ^.~
(23:44:43) xrosedaughter: kiss my ass
(23:44:57) GemLord Opal logged out.


WHAT THE FUCK HAS KETURA SHOVED INTO THEIR MINDS? JUSTIN WAS /MEAN/ TO ME, HE'S NEVER BEEN LIKE THAT BEFORE, KETURA THINKS I'M A THREAT, SHE'S FUCKED...

oh god i'm shaking with so much anger right now. i'm going to kill someone. i swear it.

People. IF YOU ARE IN MEDFORD/ASHLAND/THE SOUTHERN OREGON AREA, PLEASE LET ME KNOW BEFOREHAND SO WE CAN MEET.

Kthx. That is all :D

PS. otherwise you'll make ali cry :(

Friends cut. Y'all know the drill.

Edit: Some of you I won't cut automatically for various reasons. But yeah. Just in case you don't comment and you're still on my exclusive, wonderful, everyone-wants-to-be-on list ;) *cough*

Leaving for Cayman tomorrow night. FINALLY. BEACH. :D Yeah, so I'll be gone for a week. I might bring my cell, I dunno yet. And duty-free British shopping! Woo!

Chiara's sending me mail.

I'M GETTING MAIL FROM SARDINIA!!!!

:D *prances* Mwha. Besitos.

I was supposed to go to the lake today with Dacarie and I feel TERRIBLE because I bailed. Stupid cramps, ugh, I slept most of the day. Must go tomorrow. I'm missing the water like crazy (when was the last time I saw a lake or ocean or something!? Aaagh, too long..) and I need at least a bit of a tan so I don't turn into a lobster in Cayman next week. YES! Cayman! In a week! *dies* :D

Aye.. so I might get a job, or something anyway, with this darling travel agent my parents know. That would be bloody fabulous, honestly, I'm itching to travel and.. I can't. Not as much as I'd like to, anyway, not yet. I need a job in general, then. [Note to self, GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS!]

This entry is entirely dull and pointless and I apologise profusely for it. Picture post next time to make up for it, mmk?

Finally saw Peter Pan last night.

Jeremy Sumpter is so very darling. No pun intended. And yes I realise it's paedo of me to say so, but he is hoootttt. Damn.

( Drumroll, please. )

I am proud to present my petition to the Defense of Marriage Coalition.
( Large images, but they're worth it ;) )

Update on hairstyles: I found two from the John Frieda website that I'm going to decide between instead of all the others. (Aren't I decisive?!)



and

Okay, I have a hair appointment tomorrow at approximately 4:30, and I've got to get a new style or I will die of the monotony. SO. I have chosen you, fellow LJers, to help me on my quest for hot hair!

The nominees: http://www.rag-doll.org/ali/pics/hair/

Note: My hair is thick. Really thick. BUT the strands are really fine. So I have soft, fine hair, but tons of it. And right now it's layered and down to my mid-back. Just as reference. Also, high maintenance = NO NO. Some maintenance, maybe, but if it takes more than 5 minutes of messing with, it's a no. Feel free to suggest your own ideas as well.

( The personal favorites )

( Pictures in the folder that are no-gos but I put in for ideas/reference anyway. )

So: COMMENT OR ELSE.

( My review of Prisoner of Azkaban. It's a bit lengthy, and says what everyone else has already said, but I feel I must write it anyway. )

yeah, so i feel like total shit.

i'm not sure why; probably the hormonal influences of the birth control, plus pms, i don't know. that and playing 3rd wheel to dacarie for three hours after not getting any sleep made me pretty pissy the rest of the day, and it carried over this morning. yay.

eh, enough of my whining. i'm alive. hello. *waves*

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My AIM names have been hacked (aliiien, fleurpele) as well as wh0recow@msn.com, so I'm in the process of having AOL & MSN delete those accounts for me. In the meantime, my other MSN is vitadiamore@hotmail.com, and I'll eventually get new AIM screennames. So if I'm apparently signed on to one of those you have on your list, delete them and ignore it, and whatever you do, do NOT respond because he'll try to hack yours as well. That fucker.

Love y'all. <3