verdigris

11:39pm: it's been a while
somehow i've secured a bit ov employment
and things look up
at least now there's an income
so i will save
and i'm one step closer to leaving
--
and i'm feeling less disheartened
i've been busy
and that's good
mindless work..
but that's what i need a little ov
these days
restlessness
had worn me down
and i tried to make-up for lack ov
employment
with an insane schedule ov personal projects
that only drove me a little crazy..
nothing like a data entry job
in a little spaghetti western - themed town
out in nowhere
to completely clear the mind
ov any productive thought
--
i should sleep in a few minutes
so that i may awake early to ready myself
for the mundane task ov
key poking in the massive amounts ov
data into the radiation box
in exchange for paper
in exchange for a livable life
ov any kind within this system...
i'm not complaining
i'm just happy i can kinda pay the bills
so i can keep just one more
big black X away from the
'delinquent' box
on my permanent record--
--
oh and by the way
i'm feeling a bit lonely these days
fuk every hard hearted ice prince/ss
or wannabe
who may call me a sucker
for feeling the need for a bit ov romance
i've done the i-don't-need-love bit
but it's only fun if anyone gives a damn
--i thought i was gonna be happy not long ago
but it was another dunce--
i don't feel sorry for myself
i just wanna git on with life
.....with someone else
oh well_____maybe it's just spring

11:09pm: only chemicals.....
mood swinging
woke up today in pretty good spirits
and now it's quite the opposite
--
maybe i'll sleep it off
or maybe i'll sit around and
be glum for another hour or so

2:09pm: bouncey goodness
i swear i live in bird central
you can't really see 'em
but they don't shut up
okay-- i shouldn't be so negative
i guess it's something nice about
this neighborhood
but in the spring
it could get annoying
when you're trying to sleep
and it seems a whole flock
has landed outside your window
and is having some kind ov debate
with the neighboring dogs
late at night
--
i wonder how my kitty is doing anyway..
--so i guess it's back to werk

2:03pm: wow the stool matches the tarp...
i just noticed that...
as i looked out the open doorway
--
it is warm and beautiful outside....yet again..
and i feel the pull to be in the sun
but there is so much for me to do
here in front ov this box..
do i waste the day away in
semi sunshine bliss?
or should i be a good little girl
and werk on my projects?
--
i want to lay out on the grass
somewhere
watch people, the sky, swaying branches...
i don't know ov a place around here
anyway---that doesn't cost something
--
something about watching the day pass
and the light ebb
as i werk in an enclosed area
that depresses me
--and it would make a difference
if my station were out in the open
at least i'd be a part ov it
--casting a shadow in its light
a surface for its reflection--
---maybe i'll go for a drive
or maybe i'll be good..

2:18am: the plastic's sticking to my eyes..
think i've reverted to my old sleeping habits...
meaning...not....
or at least not now
continuing the flash site
have been putting it off
just wasn't in the mood
a bit ov motivation from an anonymous friend
--and it has to get done anyway
so the creative juices are flowing again
and i'll push the pixels as often as i can stand
until this one gets done--
(yawn)
why is it the ideas come
just as exhaustion hits
that should explain why my dreams are so much more
lively
than my conscious world
what a pity
no one can experience that place in sleep with me
i'd be a lot more popular
and everything strangely beautiful..

7:04pm: yeah, i know
it's just a boy or a girl
it's not the end ov the world..

6:36pm: suddenly a burst..
and i'm feeling a strange bit ov energy
i want to put on music with a good beat
and dance....
but that won't get anything done..will it?
--and it's an awful silence
in this place...so let me look
into the bin and see what i dig up..
i wish i had a turntable
it would make listening to my records
less frustrating--
so i have here 3 choices
pet shop boys -- behavior
add n to (x) -- avant hard
saskie woxi -- cd_slopper (hecker & ost ov farmersmanual)
--all pretty different
i'm testing psb right now --hmmm...dunno
--back to werk

1:59pm: disturbing dreams...
then i woke up
and all the world was warm
and bright... birds, cars, sirens
and i wished i were still dreaming..
but it's late in the day
--where to go?
hmmmm.....i hate l.a.

12:11am: just one more
the 5th one is done..
just one more in the series..
then..on to the next project--
actually..i have to make all the backings
but that shouldn't be difficult
----
my eyes are tired
and have been for the past couple
ov hours
so much i have to do
all in my mind
waiting to be made tangible
and the nagging fact that
i really need a source ov income
for me to make my goals for the next year
happen..
so tomorrow...on with the drudgery
maybe i'll find something...
need to gather info for schooling
--plan and design my portfolio
right then... until tomorrow

6:55pm: dehydrated or something....
i've been suckin' up water all day
so i ventured out to burbank
to see if any ov the little shops
that i would have even the most remote
interest in spending hours ov my life in
for pay....(inhale)
were hiring--
nope..
everyone seems to be hiring
a month from now
shit, if i were in need ov a job then
and not *now*
i woulda hit the fukin'jack pot
is there some sort ov crappy job
turn-around schedule i don't know about
cuz i seem to be searchin' out ov season
--at least i bought the large envelopes
for resume sending-- to real jobs
and tomorrow-- i know ov one that'll go--
so yeah..
it's creativity time--
guess i'll bust out the paint and glue.
my art portfolio is in dire need ov attention..

12:40pm: and it drags on
the show was really good
felt like home (bay area)
am sure a lot ov kids treked it down
from up there for the 3 day festival
it was a long show
but i put up with it
something about cramming
a buncha bands together in one
event-- good or bad bands
it's a bit ov overload
got there at around 4pm
got home around 1am
don't think i could've handled
three days ov concentrated auditory stimulation
so yeah... think i'll try to make something
ov the day

1:13pm: morning sludge
or rather, afternoon..
got up pretty late today
the sonic youth show in a few hours
must get the grog out ov my head
and my eyes
and maybe some food in my system
another trip alone..
don't think i've ever gone to a big event
like this alone
it's not a bad thing
just different -- i'm not really excited
that's too bad
the show's been a long time coming
and it suddenly popped back into my schedule
so i'm going
i think that once i'm there
the energy in me might peer out ov their holes
and put me in a better mode to enjoy good music
i'm in the mood for company
it would be nice to be going with someone..
oh well-- i'll letja know how it goes
--
don't you hate those fukin'
little flies that congregate in the middle
ov a room and fly around in an invisible sphere
--there's nothing there you fukers
take your mating rituals somewhere else...
i should really close the door--

10:45pm: in the hole again
alright.. am feeling neglected
it's not abnormal
it's just that as the days pass
it becomes more and more pronounced
i should get used to it
and not obsess..
i should be a little excited
tomorrow i'll be going to the last day
ov all tomorrow's partys
at UCLA
sonic youth will be headlining
i'm not a huge fan, but i like them
maybe a music fest will cheer me up
--or not much else will
--if i'm lucky i'll meet someone nice

5:50pm: could it get any more mundane?
i went off today
in hopes ov finding job opportunities
not real jobs, mind you
shitty jobs
-so i went down to melrose
and i was right
a job down there would be shitty
and i couldn't even bring myself to inquire about openings
i walked the strip
feeling uncomfortably cliche
among the alterna kids
and sickened by the sequins and glitter
ov the fashion conscious trendies
--it's a bootyliscious hodge podge
screaming for an identity--
it's nothing but a load ov crap
and i got out as quick as i could
so now i'm back again-- with nothing to show
for a day in traffic
and the mainstream quicksand ov l.a.
'cept for a package ov dried spaghetti
which i will fix up right quick--
69 cents ov semolina goodness--good ole' TJ's
guess i'll finish up my 5th sculpture
gotta git me arse in gear if i'm going
back to school next year...

12:38pm: in the waking world again
and look it's bright out
i had a dream last night that now escapes me
but in that dream i had a sense ov responsibility
like i had somewhere to go
something to do
woke up a few minutes ago
disappointed
realized that i don't have a damn thing i *must* do
nowhere i really had to be
--argh!-- damned unemployment
i mean really
i don't think i've been successfully programmed
throughout my years to be a droid
this isn't the the undeniable pull to work for the man
i'm feeling --
just the undeniable pull ov the dollar
-to pay the bills, buy my candy
and fill the gas tank?
----so i am a droid
yeah, i want financial stability
-who isn't a slave to the system anyhow?
no time for politics and guilt
i pull an occassional dollar out ov my pocket
and hand it to a bum on the street
-it's all selfish which ever way you think
i'm sure mother teresa felt really good about herself...

1:13am: when the duckies quit their quackin'
so yeah...the first entry here on my new *public* journal
i feel pretty dorky about it
but many-a-poor-soul who've had to deal
with my long rants about everything and nothing
will be thankful for such a service
--their fingers will be able to click the delete button
a few times less when they check their email--
and i will have a place to put my thoughts
where someone out there may chance upon them
--i don't know what the deal is with me
all i really know is i feel that my thoughts are wasted if
i keep them to myself, in my head, or pressed between paper in a notebook...
no matter how simple or unimportant they may be...
neuroticism? -------- definitely
so yeah...i paid a whole 5 bucks for this..
laugh at me....but i know all this
and *still* i am going to send all my friends
links to this place..
no need to mind probe here
i'll lay it all out for you....
this is my kind ov exhibitionism---
look at the little teal kitty, as it illustrates my mood--
i love it!! who invented this service?
i love you!! i'll have fun geeking out.....creating colour schemes
for my page...okay...i'll be back---> and so will you
and is 'tired' really a mood?
no, it's more a state ov being isn't it?
eh...nothing's perfect