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changes [25 Jan 2003|06:06am] add starsindiamonds Kiss me

luved [20 Oct 2002|09:27pm] I am overwlemed with kindness... eveything will be alright... thank you 1 kisses| Kiss me

luved [20 Oct 2002|09:25pm] I am overwlemed with kindness... eveything will be alright... thank you Kiss me

starsindiamonds [18 Oct 2002|09:11pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Avril Lavigne too much (she's hot, I know she suxs ok) ] I havn't written in a while, I have no motivation too...lots have changed..I am chaning every day...I wonder if I will stay they same or transform to a point where I don't even know myself anymore...that is what I am afraid of...that I will turn into them. I have been depressed in a long time...I tried to transfrom myself...got another livejournal, though maybe I will write again...all I do is complain to phil...I love him...but the saying is true...you can never love someone truly until you can love yourself...thats from rent...someone asked me today if I would fool around with a girl if I had a chance...I didn't even hesitate... I should have...I am with phil...is the only thing phil is missing is that he is a girl...is it that I want to be with a girl...even just once... I don't know...I owe phil my life right now...I can't rely on...my will lets just say...I will never have what I need...and that is a partner... I have realized I am more...uh hum....more into girls then I thought...I never thought twice about it...but I am bi...and thats it...who cares...it doesn't matter....why do people make it matter so much... I will never know... I don't talk to many people...I feel very tired alot and I have so much work to do..I need to get my life together I need to get out of here i need to be before I explode before I do something stupid...I need to do something go away ....fly away, join a band, run away... will you run away with me? I want to do this film program...it really brought up my mood concidering my comm tech project is not concidered any more than a "stupid project" I have no life...I need this to keep me going...no one understands...no one will ever understand... if someone tells me one more time JUST LEAVE I will shoot myself...why wont anyone realize it isn't that easy. I have everything riding on me...no one stands up for me in my family...no one tries and when they do it's still my fault.... it's my fault my parents fight, it's my fault my father lost my mother as a partner...its my fault my brother is fucked up ....it's my fault its my fault...Its not my fault.... it's my fault I am sad...it can't be them...they are "perfect"... I need something...this program is amazing...I am really excited... I'm going...no matter what... they wouldn't let me go to my primere of my movie at the film festival cuz it was on a saturday I am not letting them ruin my life...take away what can get me happy...I hate being sad...I wish I can talk to someone who really knows what it is like to be sad... there are so many amazing people out there...I know...they just don't know me...I don't know me...I know I am a film maker...I know that...I am going to do that...express myself in film then people will notice...and then what do I do? nothing...just be kind smile say thank you... sigh..... why wont nobody trust me... not even my best freind truts me... Chris said lots of people love me...he counted 15...I counted 4... Its not about that tho... the most important person doesn't love me... that person is me... I am going to write in starsindiamonds from now on... if you are interested... bye 8 kissess| Kiss me

I got his missed message from the phone [28 Jul 2002|12:43am] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | SNL mike myers specail ] he called, and left a message...after I have gotten him off my mind....but no, he was on my mind....I wanted to set up, they were the best, I wanted him in them too....with them.... I want to do it......I want to make sence, I can, he doesn't...maybe I am not making any sence....I must be really ..... *cough* okay I will start again... I just finsished my longest e-mail to her...shit....I told her alot.. but before I just came from an imsperation....I am writing again.... I have been in such a funk.... oh she is talking to me she will read the e-mail now.... but anyway.... I am going to tell him everything when he comes back... but when I left from her house, her freind said, the one who was so familiar to me, we got along way to well... good luck on your decsions... he doesn't know I met someone...I like kissing him....but I am his first....I am sure, cuz he doesn't know.... I was interupted in my first date with him.... I love you, okay... I moved on....but not mentally there is one thing I need to do, and adam is right....confront him. this ppl, like me? will I see them again...be invloved...I am not sexually...thats what happened with...mr. happy....gross. but his freinds were cool, being at the beaches, walking in the sand... we talking, lived... then he took me away, he wanted to be alone.. every time he saw me after... he waanted to take me to new york with him I wanna see goldfinger....it looks like sick shit... whatever, I will on wendesday.. work is alright,....I need money and more hours I am going to make it... just gotta conferm with what I am moving into.... I want more own place...my own space...I need it so bad.... sigh.....what else.... maybe more later, if I can;t sleep...but I will start off slow. I didn't know if anyone reads this... but some do, and its good to write...and expersse...I will need to do that...its important... i guess right. Kiss me

I got his missed message from the phone [28 Jul 2002|12:43am] he called, and left a message...after I have gotten him off my mind....but no, he was on my mind....I wanted to set up, they were the best, I wanted him in them too....with them.... I want to do it......I want to make sence, I can, he doesn't...maybe Kiss me

I got his missed message from the phone [28 Jul 2002|12:43am] he called, and left a message...after I have gotten him off my mind....but no, he was on my mind....I wanted to set up, they were the best, I wanted him in them too....with them.... I want to do it......I want to make sence, I can, he doesn't...maybe 2 kissess| Kiss me

he sent me more messages...I didn't even read them [13 Jun 2002|12:01pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | In the sped office listening to typing ] So being 17 has really suxed... I have lost two good freinds...over things I didn't even do wrong... I am thinking of trying to make peace with one of them... I'll have to ask someone if it's worth it... I have met alot of nice cool people this year as well...and now that I think of it...if if he didn't stop talking to me I would have prob never would have spoken to her...so everything works out in a way...But everything has really come crashing down, and now I am just picking up the peices...I am getting alot of suport from teachers, chris and other friends... but my all round life has been, well tough. School has been my only outlit. Home life, I had to start seeing this new person, who they think is getting me off of drugs...and I made a big dussicion...to move out as soon as I turn 18... work life, it has been hard, I am going to save alot during the summer and try and have some money to move out on... freinds life, People have backstabbed me alot this year...but I only got stronger from it... There was just overall, problems... issues...I think I have handeled it well...when in more pleasent situations I am overcome with an over welming anioxity of depression and saddness. I have been able to stand tall when people try to crash me down... This summer, will be mellow, with points of fustration... I will get though it, school will come, and I will turn 18. 18 years old...I can;t belive it...I have been waiting for this all my life...and I will be at one with myself...as fucken chessy as that is. fuck I just spilt water all over the computer... I should be doing my co-op work... I am going to go... but before I go, I have learned this...everyone has their problems...and becuase of their issues clouding over eveything, people can see it when others are just trying to be kind of them, and they don't except this, and they distroy this kindness when given to them. Chances are they are destened to be alone, but in reality they are just trying to live it like everyone else, and will mostly succseed...But they will one day realize what they have done to others and the wonderful people that they have lost goodbye Kiss me

hummm [12 Jun 2002|07:19pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Freinds is on tv ] now he is harrassing me...if this keeps up, I am going to invlove the school...I have asked him nicely to stop...but this is getting just plan grade school mean... sigh....great big sigh 6 kissess| Kiss me

[12 Jun 2002|12:23pm] I am going on with my life... Kiss me

I was a french maid for steff's project [11 Jun 2002|04:46pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | tv is on ] the rest of the day was fun....I helped with steff's project and wore a french maids uniform...hee hee...time to work bye 3 kissess| Kiss me

hummmmmm that was fun [11 Jun 2002|01:13pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Pink Floyd-have a cigar ] sigh, that was interesting...and unfortanate....oh well... what can I do...nothing... I did my part..... what to say... I can say whatever I like... where to start... meh, I'm just listening to some pink floyd...very cool... I hung out with josh today....cool guy... I have so much to do...and I have to start preparing for ryerson...its going to be amazing...and I starting to realize, how my future is so set...why do I think of the future right now...hey why not. my future is very bright...its blinding me... I don't like fights...arguments..misunderstandings... but then why worry about that...and no I am not talking about you. hee hee well maybe I am...(I asked you a smiple question and you freak...that hurts...) I foudn out something upsetting today, about someone who means alot to me...I told her freind...I knew it wasn't my place to get invloved... I hope she will be okay...and everything will be okay...it always is... he's comeing back this week...I wonder if he will go though with what he said he wanted to do...change... everyone changes... I am just me. I am just going to 'waste' my time here online...I will most likely not write again in this for a bit... too much work to do... well then that is all said and done, I can move on I guess... to a brighter future... as an old freind once said. "its all wraped up in a neat little pacakage" silly ahs Kiss me

it hurts [11 Jun 2002|03:46am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Much Music-Ed Says ] make it stop... ah sharp pains in my stomach.... it hurts 3 kissess| Kiss me

I stole this from kerri....thanks [11 Jun 2002|12:36am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | The Zero Here-Sans Nom ] Number of times I have been in love: twice....and it was real love (alex and chris) Number of times I have had my heart broken: lots...But a broken heart mends Number of hearts I have broken: a think with out trying I have Number of boys I have kissed in my life: enough Number of girls I have kissed: a couple Number of continents I have visited: 2 (not including my own) Number of drugs taken illegally: enough Number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: I have a couple, I am very lucky Number of people from high school that I stayed in contact with: still in high school Number of cd's that I own: I have a cd player that plays 100 cds...and I couldn't fit all my cds in it.... (hee hee) Number of piercings: a million...jks...I use to get made fun of not having any holes in my head...never caught on with the crowd...but i would like to conform one day Number of tattoos: aparently I wont be able to get barried in a jewish cementary if I get one....hee hee in that case.... Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: never Number of scars on my body: if you look hard enough Number of people that has made me scared of what they could do to me physically: grade 9...enough said Number of things in my past that I regret: I can't regret anything because I can't change anything Number of times I thought I was in love: I really liked this girl, and would have even changed myself for her...but Love has to be a two way street...so yeah, once. Number of times I've seen my favorite performer/s live: everclear, and I have seen them play twice...it could have been three times but I couldn't get into much....fucken much. Kiss me

ooops I guess I do have plans for sat [11 Jun 2002|12:23am] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | The Zero Hero-Change ] I got an e-mail from my freind heather...she says sorry my doc didn't make it, but that I have acomplished alot...very very true... then she says congrats on the journalist thing I won...huh? I don't remember...but then I again I can't remmeber much...I should be doing homework.... then she says see you at my party on sat...fuck not a party....I get so nervus at parties now...I havn't been at her college parties for a couple of years...alot of people are there...and beer...but I never drink any...maybe this year...shit I need to get her a gift? any ideas...hummmmmm me nervus....meh it'll be fine...adam will be there....not her ex adam...her brother...he's cool...he has always said that when I turned 19 he'd take me bar hoping.... nice... well I need to get to sleep (qaf better tape) Hello to a Joker As Someone On Narcotics Kiss me

I am such a looser...what happend [10 Jun 2002|11:59pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | The Zero Hero-Maybe its alright ] I got a cd from a guy on the subway who seemed really cool...I thought he was some big shot and asked if he was an agent for bands cuz I overheard him talking about that...he was just a student talking about a project, but he gave me his demo tape...and told me to put it up on the net...and it was really good!!!!! Like a silverchair kind of sound..these guys really know how to play...I called him up and hung up on him....I am so shy I am such a looser... shit.. I will call him tommorow... damn... I wish It was long distance... I shouldn't have done that...I just lost my guts.... it was so childish...I like called and hung up when he said hello.. I am so emberessed...and I can't call tonight... its not like I would ever have a chance with him, that way...he was very gay... so what am I afraid of? damn...its a good cd...they are called THE ZERO HERO! well...I am going to crawl into a hole and sleep....night Kiss me

I am missing qaf! I did mean to .....ah fuck. [10 Jun 2002|10:45pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | tv is on-fraiser ] He was lieing through his teeth...poor him. Why does he lie to me...He is having some sick fun with me...instead of getting mad, there is nothing I can do...chris is pissed and wants to beat the crap out of him...He is such a bad lier....he made is so obveious that it was him... HE doesn't care about me anyways...I really liked being his friend...I wonder what happened...ha I wasn't good enough...or some shit like that... well at least now I know who it was... so what else is going on with me...loads really... I don't even know where to start... I saw BNL on sat...it was fun, sprinkled with some sadness...My parents had their ways of making it bad, making me feel bad...like they always do...I saw my so called addiction concler today...she is really nice and I really like her...She has a pride sitcker on her door..and I talked about my bisexuality...but it wasnt a big deal...which was refreshing...it should never be a big deal...she talked more on how I shoud find myself...that way....uh too much information I guess... I got burnt on sat...it hurts....I spent sunday with chris....which was nice...hung out with rifka...smoked. this sat chris is busy...sergi is busy too... maybe I'll see corey... ah someone is calling me... bye 4 kissess| Kiss me

then why am I not out yet! [09 Jun 2002|04:45pm] 18 I act like I'm 18. This test was brought to you by Melissa - No, really.... Take it here. Kiss me

how come every time I try and see the good in things I keep getting proven wrong. [08 Jun 2002|07:58am] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | Jane's Addiction-Jane Says (live) ] my mother has told me I can never again go out on a saturday... that this is the only time... great. what did I do wrong.... I tried to think, hey this week is going to sux but I get to be with people who care about me on sat, but no...never....things can never be how I want them... I am really afraid I am going to get screwed at starbucks...after my dad's big mouth shout off... fucken prick. I have alot of work to do....co-op, my co-op project....and I am most likely not going to be able to work this week... I spoke to chris about this of course..after being silent at first...he says I should quit and go to red lobster...I told him I can't, cuz its not kosher and my paretns have this whole thing about that...oh no what will other people think! of course...it only matters what other people think. I am being sarcastic... I don't know why his is so serious about me working at red lobster... I would get beter hours I would get less pay tho I would be working more tho I don't know what to do...I need to get out...and I know when I do, I'll be fine... but in the mean time...my parents yell at me saying that they bend over backwards for me... chris says people in juvi hall get more freedome....mrs freiday agrees....I do wish I had more freinds...or at least saw them more often... ****do you want to be my freind**** what I would like is girilfreind...or a boyfreind if a guy likes me more then just fooling around FUCK YOU ZAC! my sotmach hurts...I should get ready my ride is coming soon... this will be the only day ever I will be going on out on a saturday... until..... 6 kissess| Kiss me

hello [07 Jun 2002|02:13pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Barenaked Ladies-Its only me ] what to say, well I am seeing the barenaked ladies tommorow...lots has been happening...Lauren saw me crying today...I wish she didn't...I don't like people seeing me cry, I dont like being weak...kerri came by this mourning to talk, I don't think she noticed...well I wanna put my results for these quizes I did I like this one You are Ani Difranco! Self-obsessed and self-possessed,you are a strong woman with a social conscience, who centers her life around her art. You pour your life experience and passion into your art, presenting ideas that resonate deep in the souls of others. Take the "Which Empowered Female Artist Are You" Quiz made by liberalfaerie and violatedjoy hummmmm Take the What Kind of Canadian are You? Test by lamaitresse! yeah so I don't really know what to say...I have to clean the dark room soon...I spent some time in the dark room...I am almost out of paper again...shit! I have to do lots of homework...I am not working much anymore...which is the worst thing possible...I don't know what to do...I am even sick and tired of myself and this whole thing...I can't wait till I am an legal adult so I can do something about this shit...so yeah the lates thing that happen...my dad told off my staff manager at work, cuz I was 30 mins working overtime...I know he is going to tell my manager and she is going to cut my shifts in half...and I am already only working once a week...but I closed two days in a row for a favour...I don't think i am ever going to fit in...at work that is...everyone is pretty uptight...but I would love to fit in and be part of the so called "starbucks family" I don't need them...I can make my own family.... hummm on to better news...serg says he can pick up some goodies...but he says that every week,...I am going to jet and look around the net some more Kiss me

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