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Monday, March 4th, 2002

Subject:Something I felt like atm...
Time:9:06 am.
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "It's been awhile, since I could... hold my head up high. It's been awhile, since I first saw you... It's been awhile, since I could stand on my own to feet again, and it's been awhile, since I could call you..."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "And everything that I can remember, as fscked up as it may seem, the consequences that are rendered, I've stretched myself beyond my means..."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "And it's been awhile... Since I can say that I wasn't addicted, and... it's been awhile, Since I can say I love myself as well, And it's been awhile... Since I've gone and fscked things up, just like I always do... And it's been awhile, But all that shxt seems to disappear when I'm with you..."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away! Just one more peaceful day...."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "And it's been awhile... Since I could look at myself straight... And it's been awhile... Since I said I'm sorry... And it's been awhile... *starts in sobbingly* Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face... *cries a little harder* And it's been awhile... But I can still remember just the way you taste..."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "And everything I can't remember...As fscked up as it all may seem... to be, I know it's me... I cannot blame this on my father... He did the best he could for me..."
[Lyrics] The Eesani Bassist, Barson says, "And it's been awhile... Since I could hold my head up high... And it's been awhile... Since I said I'm sorry..."
Here's your dagger

Saturday, March 2nd, 2002

Subject:'I don't know where my home is, I don't know where my soul is...'
Time:1:24 pm.
God, I feel so dead. Like an axe has been taken to my heart, and I'm dying, and I can't do a fucking thing about it.

I don't want to lose her... Everyone and everything that heard my prayers that night, and saw me crying for so long after I saw her back online... They all know what Angel means to me.

What am I going to do, now? My expressed pain has... chased her off, I guess. I hear what she says, and it doesn't register. I don't want her to go away... I... just want it all back to the way it used to be. And better...

Why did I have my prayers answered, only to have me be the martyr in the end? Didn't I tell them my reasons? Most weren't selfish... I didn't want Anthony to go without her. I didn't want her to go without Anthony. I wanted everyone to stop fucking with her.... And I wanted to see her someday, and maybe even, hopefully, start a relationship with her... But just like Carolina, they kept Angel here, I think. But the price was... my heart. (Yeah, guys and gals, thanks a whole lot for telling me... Doesn't matter, I would've done it anyway, but shit, at least tell me before I do, please?)

And now... she's probably thinking I want her as far away from me as possible... I didn't say that, but I think she thinks I hurt like that...

No, no, it's not that. Yearning. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into it all, because she's worth that and so much more to me. I'd put myself on the ground zero of a nuclear bomb, if it meant leaving Angel and Anthony untouched. If either of them were on the table, and to save them meant killing me... I have a soul, I'll come back. So do they, and they'll come back. But I don't want them abruptly separated from each other...

It doesn't matter anymore. All of the things I say don't matter anymore. What's done is done, my heart is destroyed again, and... I need some sleep.
Here's your dagger

Friday, March 1st, 2002

Subject:Close friends - Adema, and my mood.
Time:11:09 pm.
While this isn't 100% me, it's damn close.

Close Friends
today you told me that i'd hate you forever
i can't believe what's really going on
somehow i knew that you felt guilty for something
but tell me why you'd do this to me
today you told me that i'd hate you forever
i can't believe that you wrecked my life
i was betrayed
how can you say
that you feel sorry inside
it's devastating losing close friends
i've gone away
you make me stay
but i can't deal with the lies
i've gone insane losing close friends
today i made the worst mistake
i put my trust into someone i don't know
and now i know because you've done everything possible to me
made me so upset
and now i know just who to trust
because you're laying in bed
you're thinking 'bout all that fucked up shit
i was betrayed
how can you say
that you feel sorry inside
it's devastating losing close friends
i've gone away
you make me stay
but i can't deal with the lies
i've gone insane losing close friends
i'm so weak
the closeness of your skin
the smell of this place
makes me go insane
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Subject:My day today...
Time:10:08 pm.
Depression is a freaking bitch, I tell ya.

I spent about three hours today, sitting in my bed, holding my chest and crying.

Something... noone should have to do. But all good men must be hurt enough to turn them to bad men, you know the type, the ones that use women and stuff like that?

Dunno, just thought about it, and I wondered: Is this how bad men are made? Putting their hearts into ladies... that just fall out of under them? And then, those same men being stupid enough to do it again too quickly again afterward? Even though... I don't know, but I never had a 'too soon' and 'right'. Between Heather and Carolina was... a forever. Between Carolina and Angel? A few months. And I dare have ideas to 'jump right in'? Aurora said I shouldn't, but then again, I have a feeling she's holding some back... Dixie doesn't, however... but she scares me, too.

*winces and tears up* I should go do some RP. After I post a song...
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Sunday, February 24th, 2002

Time:12:45 pm.
I think it's time I go put my heart on life support now.
Here's your dagger

Saturday, February 9th, 2002

Subject:Just a bunch of quotes I felt like pulling out.
Time:6:24 am.
Music:Run DMC - The Kings (D-Generation X).
"Its so easy for your friends to give you their advice; They'll tell you, just let it go; its easier said than done. I appreciate it; I really do, but just leave me alone." - Fred Durst

"To the world you may only be one person, but to only one person you may be the world." - ???

"You know what, I like you better as a friend than a boyfriend" - Jen and Christy, in agreement...

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a teardrop" - MayAngelGirl

"I pretend that I'm glad you went away, these 4 walls closin more everyday, and I'm dyin inside and nobody knows it but me, like a clown i put on a show, the pain is real like nobody knows, and I'm cryin inside, but nobody knows it but me, why didn't I say, the things I needed to say, how did I let my angel get away, now my world is just tumbling down, I can see it so clearly, but you're nowhere around, the nights are lonely, the days are so sad, I just keep thinkin about the love that we had, and I'm missin you, and nobody knows it but me...." - Baby face
2 daggers| Here's your dagger

Tuesday, December 18th, 2001

Subject:Love, Ex-love, Beaten hearts and sex-deprived souls...
Time:5:38 pm.
Music:OPM - Heaven Is A Half Pipe.
I hate her. Yeah, Carolina. Damn that... Damn her. Just... damn her. Damn her because her evil heart-tearing presence still haunts me. Damn her because I can't just blank her out with my love Angel. Damn her that I ever had anything sexual with her. Damn her, because she haunts my dreams. Her and Francis, both, have at least twice I can remember. Damn them both, because... Damn them.

And damn the fucking fact I can't be with Angel, that I can do all my very absolute hardest, and I can't open my eyes and be in her arms, the best I can do is give her presents of things that are naughty by nature, give her things in nature that are beautiful, and type words that just... come out as 1s and 0s. That's the best I can do, 3k miles away.

I miss the feeling of being with someone, and loving them with all my heart, and that them being right next to me, one I can cry into, and hold... *takes a deep breath to take the tears away*

Y'know... I always wished... to wake up, and the first thing I saw was the lady I loved ever so deeply and dearly... That has, unfortunatly, happend only once, for about five minutes, and she turned out to be a bitch and take my heart out with a trough.

And you know what? Pearl harbor is a good movie. And it's not Disney-ish. Everything dies in the end, lots of bodies, it's all bad. The lead characters are friends, and the third is the lady of the first, and the first's friend dies in battle, invading Japan, part of the Dewey's Raiders, and the friend who didn't die, ends up taking care of his love, and her kid, who was his father. What I typed didn't make any sense to me. But, the moral of the story is: I hate war. And I wouldn't want to die, or I wouldn't be able to be with my baby Angel. Or the other way around... I don't want to lose her or Anthony... if I did... I'd just go and call myself dead, because I would feel as if I was... Y'know, how could I go on without them?

I'll continue later, sleep wants to beckon me.
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Monday, December 17th, 2001

Subject:More Firan Weirdness.
Time:6:54 am.
Music:The Cars - Moving In Stereo.
[Public] N-N-N- Nika actually knows a man named 'Richard Allcock' who prefers to be known as Dick Allcock. It's a strange, strange world.
[Public] Shari Vegas as Barson just imagines a dude made up to look like a strangely familiar phallic object. LOL :)
[Public] Max Boyce as Gelosik nods. "Aye..the world's a messed up place...and if Barson was running it, it'd be even worse." :P
[Public] Radik returns from getting cereal and ... facepalms.
[Public] Shari Vegas as Barson says, "Nuh-uh! You just wouldn't reconize the difference between the men and women!"
[Public] Max Boyce as Gelosik says, "which would be pretty bad, I think."
[Public] Radik winces, "That would be hellish.":)
[Public] Shari Vegas as Barson says, "If you're the intensely masculine type like I'm not, sure. Or, if you'd rather have your penis."
[Public] Max Boyce as Gelosik isn't the buffest person in the world, either, but..I still think that would be a tad..dissettling.
[Public] Shari Vegas as Barson tries hard not to fall out of the chair in laughter.
[Public] Radik peers. Yeah, he's masculine.;)
[Public] N-N-N- Nika repeats. It's a strange, strange world.

Ladies, whaddaya say, hmm? Wouldn't it be nice? A dream? Yes!

*shuffles back off to talking about phallic objects, or the lack thereof*
2 daggers| Here's your dagger

Sunday, December 16th, 2001

Subject:I want to kill something now....
Time:7:12 am.
Music:Disturbed - Shout 2000.
You know, I told myself something way back when, back in '98, as I was trying to find myself.

Something I remember saying, ever burned into my mind, my heart, and my soul, that I wouldn't ever let someone hurt another lady.

Well, so much for that. I'm not fucking God, I can't help any of that.

But, the least I can do is keep my sweetheart from getting hurt. Or, try to, at least. Which, of course, horribly fucking fails in and of itself.

Yes, Angel... well, I've already got the story in a previous entry, but the guy hurt her, and now I wanna rip his fucking balls off.

Or... just pray and exasperate all my energies again, like I have before, into finding a way to move away from here, and closer to my baby Angel... I can't stand to see her hurt like this. I can't fucking stand here and watch this happen to her...

I'll try posing more later, when I'm a little more cooled off. For now, be aware, all but Angel, and especially males, don't come near me, or I'll kill your computer and have your significant other chew your balls off and suck you of all your testosterone. Yes.

Or... I jsut wanna be with angel...
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Friday, December 14th, 2001

Subject:I think its about time I update my journal, hmm?
Time:10:20 am.
Well, suffice to say, it's been a very long week. I had an extra three days tacked on to it. Gah.

First: My dad didn't get his speed til late late Monday...
Second: Someone came across Angel, and now I fear losing her...
Third: Tried crank. It sucked.
Fourth: Barson falls in love, again... and Sarpedon almost kills him for it.

I'll start from the second one on...

Angel goes for training in this new job of hers, and a guy... Okay, nevermind, I'd rather not repeat the story, but in short, I'm scared I'll lose Angel. This hasn't got me started well this week...

Second, my speed run... sucked. Lame shit, lame run, lame first time. I don't at all think I'm doing it again. I could elaborate on it, but I'm too depressed to.

Third, Barson. Well, yes, hes fallen in love with another character. But, remember that Barson is considered, basically, my avatar, meaning he's me in almost every way. So, when Barson professed to Favianna Teraloka, I put the stresses into the RP as if I was in the same situation with my sweetie Angel. And with the later, Barson meets Sarpedon, and dares to face his bow, that even if he did die, he'd die having been in love with her. Insane, sure, but still. And again, I'd do the same thing if I were in the same situation with Angel.

I love her so much... I think I'm just gonna go cry for a moment...
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Monday, December 10th, 2001

Subject:The Game of Life...
Time:4:45 pm.
Mood:"13 ways to bleed...".
Music:No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life.
[Cockatrice] !Emperor! of Big Beef Burritos Supreme, Barson goes and curls up in Ska's lap. He's upset again.
[Cockatrice] BorkBork! Shaska pets Barson.
[Cockatrice] !Emperor! of Big Beef Burritos Supreme, Barson sighs, "Never fails. Find a /really/ sweet lady - and get her quite possibly taken out of under me." He goes and kicks his Barson, the lucky SOB who can get over things like that.

Try, die, try, die, and try again.

Never fails. I can't win. Lost Veronica, Heather, Carolina, and I might lose Angel.

I'm gonna go cry now.
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Saturday, December 1st, 2001

Subject:Lyrics I love, Chapter 3....
Time:5:54 am.
Music:Fuel - Untitled.
Angel
Aerosmith

I'm alone
I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears
and the crying that I do is for you
I want your love
Let's pray, no walls between us
Don't make it tough
I'll put away my pride
Enoughs enough
I've suffered and I've seen the light

Baby, You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it alright

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about this feeling inside
Yes, it's true
Loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love
I'm nothing but a begger
Without your love
a dog without a bone
What can I do
I'm sleeping in this bed alone

Baby, You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it alright
Come and save me tonight

You're the reason I live
You're the reason I'll die
You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby, baby

You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it alright
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight

You're my angel
Come and make it alright
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Here's your dagger

Subject:Lyrics I love, Chapter 2...
Time:5:48 am.
Music:Ice T - KKK Bitch.
Theres alot of these out there... maybe I need to start collecting lyrics like I do quotes...

Waiting for a Girl Like You
Foreigner

So long, I've been looking too hard,
I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know
what I will find,
I only know
it's a matter of time

When you love someone,
when you love someone
It feels so right,
so warm and true,
I need to know
if you feel it too
Maybe I'm wrong,
won't you tell me
if I'm coming on too strong

This heart of mine
has been hurt before,
this time I wanna be sure
I've been waiting for
a girl like you
to come into my life
I've been waiting for
a girl like you,
your loving will survive
I've been waiting for
someone new to make me feel alive

Yeah, waiting for
a girl like you
to come into my life
You're so good,
when we make love
it's understood
It's more than a touch
or a word can say
Only in dreams
could it be this way
When you love someone,
yeah, really love someone

Now I know it's right,
from the moment I wake up
till deep in the night
There's nowhere on earth
that I'd rather be
than holding you tenderly
I've been waiting for
a girl like you
to come into my life
I've been waiting for
a girl like you,
your loving will survive
I've been waiting for
someone new to make me feel alive

Yeah, waiting for a girl
like you to come into my life
I've been waiting,
waiting for you,
ooh, I've been waiting
I've been waiting
(I've been waiting
for a girl like you,
I've been waiting)
Won't you come into my life?
Here's your dagger

Subject:Lyrics I love, Chapter One.
Time:5:42 am.
Music:Staind - Mudshovel.
Shut Up And Kiss Me
Mary Chapin Carpenter

Don't mean to get a little forward with you, don't mean to get ahead of where we are
Don't mean to act a little nervous around you, I'm just a little nervous about my heart 'cause
It's been awhile since I felt this feeling that everything that you do gives me
It's been so long since somebody whispered
Shut up and kiss me

Didn't expect to be in this position, didn't expect to have to rise above
My reputation for cynicism, I've been a jaded lady when it comes to love but
Oh baby just to feel this feeling that everything that you do gives me
It's been too long since somebody whispered
Shut up and kiss me

There's something about the silent type attracting me to you
All business baby none of the hype
That no talker can live up to

Come closer baby I can't hear you, just another whisper if you please
Don't worry 'bout the details darlin', you've got the kind of mind I love to read
Talk is cheap and baby time's expensive, so why waste another minute more
Life's too short to be so apprehensive, love's as much the symptom darlin' as the cure
Oh baby when I feel this feeling, it's like genuine voodoo hits me
It's been too long since somebody whispered...
Oh baby I can feel this feeling that everything that you do gives me
It's been too long since somebody whispered
Shut up and kiss me

"This one goes out/To the one I love..."
Here's your dagger

Subject:Something I found in another journal...
Time:2:57 am.
Music:Fuel - Down.
I saw a song that hit me deeply... as if I was going to run into it eventually... from fairytaleofnew's journal.

Morrissey - angel, angel, down we go together
angel, angel..
don't take your life... tonight.
i know they take and they take in turn
they give you nothing real for yourself in return..
but when they've used you and they've broken you
and wasted all your money
and cast your shell aside..
and when they've bought you and they've sold you
and they've billed you for the pleasure
and they've made your parents cry..
i will be here.. oh believe me.
i will be here... believe me.
angel don't take your life
some people have got no pride.
they do not understand the urgency of life
but i love you more than life.

*blows a kiss to the girl out in the crowd this goes out to*
Here's your dagger

Thursday, November 22nd, 2001

Subject:This song struck a chord with me...
Time:11:09 am.
Music:Unknown Artist - Bruce Cockburn - If I Had A Ro.
Bruce Cockburn - If I Had a Rocket Launcher

.....here comes the helicopter -- second time today
everybody scatters and hopes it goes away
how many kids they've murdered only god can say
if i had a rocket launcher...i'd make somebody pay.

i don't believe in guarded borders and i don't believe in hate
i don't believe in generals or their stinking torture states
and when i talk with the survivors of things too sickening to relate
if i had a rocket launcher...i would retaliate

on the rio lacantun one hundred thousand wait
to fall down from starvation -- or some less humane fate.
cry for guatemala, with a corpse in every gate
if i had a rocket launcher...i would not hesitate

i want to raise every voice -- at least i've got to try.
every time i think about it water rises to my eyes.
situation desperate echoes of the victims cry
if i had a rocket launcher...some sonofabitch would die

I don't know, its just interesting to me :)
Here's your dagger

Subject:The things people find in Firan...
Time:8:02 am.
================================ OOC Comments ================================
Message: 2/111 Posted Author
88 Lines About 44 Women (Firan Sty Wed Nov 21 Pangaros
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
88 LINES ABOUT 44 WOMEN--FIRAN STYLE
(with apologies to the Nails)
Leyla was a Zutiv girl
she held out till the bitter end
Dania was a different type
she's the one who put it in
Cleo was a Bonduin girl
I was afraid of a girl like that
Pia painted pictures
sitting down like Kamnestra sat
Meysa was an aimless girl
a geographic memory
Neshi was an Uf-fy freak
she liked that kind of misery
Deelia had a special way
of turning sex into a song
Kameelya, who couldn't sing,
kept the beat and kept it strong
Taria was an archetype
the Ticanee queen, the queen of wrath
Zoey thought men were second best
to chatting loudly in the baths
Zeysani was a feminist
she really had that gift of gab
Bashona's point of view was this
take whatever you can grab
Selene was another girl
who left her mark upon the map
Zutiva liked to tie me up
and left me hanging by a strap
Teddi had a nightclub walk
that made grown men feel underage
Ziella, who had a son,
said I must go, but finally stayed
Adriana, the last taboo
was shattered by her tongue one night
Ristana brought the taboo back
and held it up before the light
Niteti, who knew no shame,
was never ever satisfied
Yasha came and went so fast
she didn't even say goodbye
Rezzana had a house in Sarkell
lived on lamb stew and red wine
Wylma had a house in Warrik
lips like ripe grapes on the vine
Fiorenzia thought her life was empty
filled it up with alcohol
Fidelia was much too pretty
she didn't do that s*** at all
...uh-uh, not Fiddy...
Delicia thought that love was simple
turn it on and turn it off
Eliana was complicated
like some Idham of Emran plot
Junia was the perfect lady
always had her hairpins straight
Castalia was a rich O-Cer
silver spoon and a paper plate
Ajila was a modern dancer
lean pristine transparency
Aldrissa wrote bad poetry
in a crazy kind of urgency
Saturna, Bonduin, liked to Eesha
while wearing leather military boots
Udette's strange obsession
was for certain vegetables and fruit
Suphi was an artist's daughter
the deeper image shook her up
Kachina's father left her mother
took his money and his bar
Petrina had no such problems
perfect Ista Aldrik home
Anitra, 18, had a baby
left her parents, lived alone
Vana joined a neo-noble family
changed her name to Cyrani
Jennette, who played the harp,
sang songs about whales and guards
Jazayeri didn't give a s***
was just a...nihilist
Charissa was much more my style
cause she did paintings just like this
Fiyana spent some months in Hell
living in a Ticanee cell
Taha rode her griffon's claws
into the Shamibelian horde
Lucretia came from Caldera City,
she's a Firgalik opportunist
My dear Moira, here's a kiss
I chose you to end this list.
...88 lines about 44 women...
==============================================================================
================================ OOC Comments ================================
Message: 2/112 Posted Author
The last post Wed Nov 21 Pangaros
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apologies to anyone it offended, it was all in good fun. It's based on a song by a group known as the Nails (1981 or 84 I think) called 88 lines about 44 women. I hope you enjoy. :)
==============================================================================
Here's your dagger

Wednesday, November 21st, 2001

Subject:My Love...
Time:6:40 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Genitorturers - I Touch Myself.
Heh, wish I could make a poem out of this... I have before, but I don't quite remember where it went, it was so long ago...

You know, I have multiple levels of love, I do. So do many others I know, but all mine are passionate, but in different ways...

You know, you have your basic love of family. I always have had love for my family, and I've always noticed how I could never hate them, even when my mom kicked me out from her place, I fucking hate what she did, but I still love her, she's my mother, for christ sake. And my brothers, I can't count how many times they'be pissed me off, but I'll always love 'em.

And then, theres my love for friends, its kinda like family, y'know, same feeling, I feel the same for them as I do my family, except they're not family. I'd do for them as I would my family. Quite simple really.

but I've always had one very special way for people, someone who gets the feelings from me that I don't give everyone else, people I can confide my deepest everythings in... but they, at the same time, fill some hole in my heart that noone else fills, and I have a whole nother set of feelings that go with all this... and sometimes, they not just try to fill it, but they do, and that's only come to two people, so far, our of four or five I've felt this way for now, but they're...

You know, how you used to listen to those love songs, and were like, "Bah, whatever," and they suddenly make sense when you fall in love with someone?

Or, how its just so damn absolutely... ah, I can't get my finger on it, but have you ever looked up at the stars, and a feeling hit you, that made you say "Oh my God"?

Not many, I'm sure, have a fascination with human reproduction as I do, I'm sure, but have you ever been so close to a female friend of yours, and were just... sooo amazed by how little babies can grow in them? Or the whole wonder of the female reproduction system... or the wonder of females, period? I don't know, but I've also had that feeling with two people... and one of them has already slashed my heart. Whee.

You know, I could go on and on explaining beauties to my love, but I've hardly the span of energy, or the vocabulary necessary, in any language known to humankind, to do such a thing. But, when I can freely express it with her... well, she'll know, and hopefully feel it like I do...

Yes, I love Angel, this is true. I just wish I could leave Seattle, right now... wish I was 100% certain to, too. I wish I was with her, so I can express it all to her... I wish... I'm gonna go cry now.
Here's your dagger

Sunday, November 18th, 2001

Subject:This is the ending, the ending of our story. The ending, the ending...
Time:11:25 am.
My hacking case has come to an end, and as with almost every
single case of 'teenage hackers', I've been charged and my 6th
amendment right had been infringed upon; I had no trial, I was
charged via a governmental agency on charges of computer
trespass of a government computer, and given the rest of the school
year suspension.

Because this is a governmental agency, this means that. in theory,
the WA state gov't has charged me with computer trespass, and has
made the punishment suspension through June 2002, without a trial.

I'm too litigious, don'tcha think? I'd make a good lawyer, except
lawyers get shot for being lawyers, so I'd rather not :)

(Forget what the 6th amendment is? http://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/constitution.billofrights.htm
l
)

First, before I present the list of evidence given against me, and my
commentary on it that hasn't been heard, the meaning of a NDA. No, not a
Non-Disclosure Agreement, that's what you get from companies
looking
to protect their interests in things they're showing you. An NDA, in
school terms, is a Notice to Disciplinary Action. This is a
record, one for your school, and one for your parents and you, that shows
what high
er-level disciplinary action (anything like kicking you off the school
grounds for the day and higher) was taken, why, and any details. I was
given an NDA earlier saying I was given an emergency expulsion while an
investi
gation took place. This is an amendment that overrules the text of the
NDA.

(My real name is hidden for my own privacy)

Amendment to NDA

C-99 Other Crimes: Computer Trespass
D-01 Disruptive Conduct


Shari Vegas intentionally (1) attempted to compromise the primary
domain controller for Franklin High School, Shari attempted to create an
administrative user and insert that user in the administrator group to
give himsel
f access to restricted areas and operations; (2) Shari used an
unattended and unlocked console to put himself in a power user group to give
himself access to restricted areas and operations; (3) Shari installed
the file C
MD.EXE on his share, which gave him access to normally restricted areas
and operations regardless of the policies applied to the computer; (4)
Shari installed a Unix shell application on the primary domain
controller; (5)
Shari had a copy of a host file on his share, and inserted the name of
host LOGIN.OSCAR.AOL.COM into the host file to create a way to evade a
District firewall block; (6) Shari set up access to multiple types of
chat app
lications, all of which are blocked by the District policy and CIPA
requirements; (7) Shari installed Pegasus email on his share and, via that
email application, subscribed to various sites that provide technical
details
on security issues and weaknesses in computer systems.

Shari’s computer trespass of a government computer is exceptional
misconduct warranting suspension from Franklin High School through June
2002. This amended Notice of Disciplinary Action supercedes all other
prior notice
s.

Okay, so I did a bunch of things they didn't like; none come under the
definitions of 'computer trespass' in the state of washington (See RCW 9A.52.110 and
RCW
9A.52.120
).
The Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986 only deals with federal and
interstate crimes, doesn't count here.

The evidence found here was all in my home directory for my login. None
of this speaks of logs, and theres even misleading and missing bits!
I'll elaborate...

1) I never attempted to compromise the PDC. The PDC in question was not
for Franklin High School, but for the FHS Business Ed Lab, the PDC's
name, SFRKEDPD01, it's domain, FRKBUSINESS, which also happens to be the
file se
rver. The 'compromise' used was these three lines:

net user Admin /add /expires:never /passwordreq:no
net localgroup "Administrators" /add Admin
net localgroup "Users" /del Admin

These commands, unfortunatly, don't work without having Administrator
or NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM access already. And, it would be workstation
admin access only, this wouldn't be able to go beyond the workstation
machine, beca
use passwords wouldn't match, thereby rendering this exploit useless
beyond the existing machine.

2) I never went to a 'unlocked, unrestricted console' (aka a 'sysop'
(teacher logins) who was logged into a machine) and put myself into a
power user group to give myself access to restricted areas and operations.
Sysops
are not allowed to make or do anything more than create, delete, or
modify _student_ accounts. Trying to do anything beyond that results in a
'Access Denied' message, and our NetAdmin was very smart: No lookies
over shoul
der, lock workstation if he's not at it, I didn't get access that way.
However, I did this at Cleveland, and I will not deny that.

3) I installed the CMD.EXE file (Windows NT Command Line Interface)
into my home directory. It did not give me access to normally restricted
areas and operations regardless of the policies applied to the computer
and my a
ccount. I was playing around one day in finding an easier way to get a
command line. Any operation I should not have access to (net user, for
example), I didn't have access to. I could not read other home
directories or o
ther machines the computer was connected to across the network.

How did I get this access, anyway? First, in the afflicted room, the
computers did not have a program installed in that lab, which resulted in
a broken shortcut that kept trying to get looked for. I pointed it the
right w
ay, C:\WINNT\SYSTEM32\CMD.EXE, and it came up with the command prompt.
That's the tech's fault. Then, they fixed this the next year, but not
the ability to run a file I download off the net, so I just ran it off
the net.

But, one day, *gasp* No net, and I needed a command-line. Run Word
2000, open "file://c:/winnt/system32/cmd.exe". It makes garbley. close
Word2k, go to start > documents, what do you see? A shortcut to CMD.EXE, of
course.


But, this valuable information is not to be used, period. And if I find
this out, I'll kill you. Or sue you for using my information without my
permission, to fix your fucking hole you didn't figure out earlier, you
dumbs
hit.

4) No, I did not install a Unix shell application on the PDC (Sorry,
it's my fucking fileserver, so fuck off). I simply copied the files
necessary to run it to the harddrive of the fileserver. And it's not a "Unix
Shell A
pplication", because a unix shell application wouldn't run on Windows.
The "Unix Shell Application" is called Cygwin, it provides a
POSIX-compliant API for running Linux applications through Windows. And that
isn't the ce
ntral library I was running, but a slightly modified version of bash,
modified to use the cygwin api. Dumb fuckoffs, it's called I didn't like
using the default CMD.EXE, so I dumped it for cygwin. What, now I can't
have m
y freedom of choice for Command Line Interfaces either? You people
force me to use WinNT, you're lucky I don't blow it all away for
Linux+XWin, like the smart University campuses computer labs use.

5) I had a copy of a host file in my home directory, and inserted the
name of host login.oscar.aol.com (AIM's login machines) into the host
file to create a way to evade the proxy server. It was not meant to evade
a Distr
ict firewall block, altho I very well could through IP tunneling
through my home system, if I wanted to, which you'd have no control over
because I'm evading a firewall block by using my own damn machine to do it,
using e
quipment I own, to do it.

And, fuckheads, what was the IP for login.oscar.aol.com created in that
file? Hmm? Was it perhaps, oh, 64.12.161.153? or 64.12.161.185? Yeah,
well, that's still login.oscar.aol.com (bucp2-vip-m.blue.aol.com). So
fuck off
or I'll feed you to the pigs.

So, no, it wasn't trying to get over a firewall, it was trying to go
around the proxy, but I figured out that the firewall was blocking it
anywho, so I quit.

6) I set up access to multiple types of chat applications, all of which
are denied use by District policy and CIPA (Actually, CIAP, Computer
Internet Access Policy, dipshit) requirements.

Sorry, I never agreed to either of them for the past five years, and
they are not legally binding documents.

And, while you're at it, get it off all your machines in the building,
lazyasses. If I couldn't do it on that computer, you've got about five
machines in 216 that have MSN Instant Messager. And then, go charge
them with c
omputer trespass too, hmm?

7) I copied the files to run Pegasus Mail into my home directory, and,
via that application... got my email.

I was, at the time, subscribed to BUGTRAQ, NTSECADV, HOWTO,
KERNEL-AUDIT, RAILGUNNERS, EUPHORIA (later known as EUFORUM), and VERA-PROJECT. I
had filters set up for the first three, but about Feb-Mar 2001, I
unsubscribed
to all those lists; I didn't want such a load on my email box.

So, at the time of their bust, I was not subscribed and receiving mail
from those lists.

Okay. Misleading, yes? They love to do that to teenage hackers.

Okay, missing bits:

I had my SDK (Software Development Kit) on that server too. Once again,
not installed, but merely copied to the server to run off the server.
This contained a suite of tools for Eup
horia
. This being: Euphoria's core components, the Eu-to-C
converter, the Borland compiler, and the Win9x and WinNT SDKs, as well as
programs I was working on.

Due to the fact that they have _my_ code and _my_ passwords in their
posession, this could be used to make a profit, patents, etc...
basically, money. Due to this, I need to have a NDA and Non-competition contract
against
them. Yes, and I mean bad, mean, nasty M$ style contracts that lock
them into, basically, giving me a copy of the disc, destroying the
original and letting me make a new copy, completely encrypted, if I wanted.
And if th
ey _think_ about using my passwords, I can sue them til their pockets
are dry, and this time, it would be computer trespass from the gov't to
a citizen, which could be taken to federal level, because it's called
wiretappi
ng without express search warrants. If they think about continuing
development on my programs without my permission, they could be sued, those
are my programs, I own the sole right of those programs. If I wanted to
be ver
y nasty, I could own the media they're on too, which means... well, I
could manipulate all the school's computers to fall under my control...
just because I'm the creator of those programs, and that I can make a
license s
tating that if they have ever even looked at the source code, I could
sue them for anti-competitive practices. Would it be true? Fuck no, but
it'd certainly be a hoot to see them scramble on that one, eh?

Yes, I've worked for M$ once, I used to be their chief lawyer. Not.

And, oh, I haven't added: All this 'evidence' was retrieved from my
home directory. They couldn't search their logs, because they never kept
any.

Last nite, I was online and telling Angel about what happend, and it
scared me so bad remembering it that I started crying. No, not jsut that
scared crying, but deep, emotional damage tears.

Lastly, I need to sue the principal of the school district on civil
grounds (John Jackson Vs. Me, not Principal Dr. John Jackson versus HS
Student of SPS, me), for harassment of a minor, firstly, and secondly, for
a socia
l minority. He wanted information that didn't exist, first. Second, he
threatened to call the Feds on me. As we all well know, you can call
the feds if you even have a suspicion of criminal activity. And,
as we all
well know, what do the Feds do with teenage hackers? They point big
nasty guns that could put 600 holes in your body in about 20 seconds at
them, or guns that, with a slip of the finger, put a precise hole in
your head,
and drag them on the ground to their cars where they put the arrestees,
deny them all their rights, and seize all computer and phone equipment
that the person has ever touched in his whole life. Just about.

You know, that day, November 1, 2001, was one of the scariest, coldest,
lonliest, and did I mention scariest, days of my life? It's scary when
you think that your whole life has come to an end, because of something
noone
understood. It's scary that you could be locked up in a federal
penitentiary, for charges that aren't federal. It's scary that you know
exactly what you did, and they tell you that you did something far more
heinous and a
nti-social, and you don't really know what, because you know what you
did, and you didn't do such a big thing. It's scary when a black dude
twice your size and 8x your social power (I'm talking about physical
threats here
), tells you that he's going to call the Feds if you don't tell him
what he wants to hear, which isn't the truth, but he wants to hear it, and
he tells you to go get a lawyer. Now. It's scary when you have a woman
that yo
u want to be with, and that if you get locked up like this, you're
scared she'll just disregard you, forget you, not want to know you, because
she'd be ashamed to have been falling in love with a convict (This was,
actual
ly, the scariest thing for me). It's scary that you can't play your
sport like you wanted. You're scared because your family would be harassed
about this too. You're scared this will make your whole life go away,
because
of something noone understood. Fuck man, that scares me to fucking
tears! I'm crying trying to write about it!

This has, unfortunatly, caused deep emotional upset, something I
haven't recovered from. I don't want to sue for money, actually, I want Dr.
Jackson to feel what he's caused me. But, the next best bet is suing him
on civi
l grounds.

Oh, wait... I was arrested too, by the way, on unknown charges. I
was arrested, ran for photos, and released. But damnit, those
fucking cuffs hurt! And the fucking officer didn't want to arrest me, I
was being so damn cooperative, he didn't want me to be arrested.
Fuck, he didn't even want to run me Downtown, but he was just
following orders. And, I was formally arrested! Damnit!

I'm done, now.
1 dagger| Here's your dagger

Friday, November 16th, 2001

Subject:Gah! My morning!
Time:5:55 am.
*sigh* Gotta love it when this happens...

Setup: Khalida is a servant for a noble, but a _very_ shy one at that, low self esteem and all. Barson, is me. I decided to take her out, just for a friendly outing, making a friend...

Barson doesn't quite know how to take this, not sure if she's uncomfortable, but certainly wishing to see more than the top of her head, he puts a anxious, shaky, eased finger under her chin and limply lifting her chin, in hopes to see her eyes instead of hair, "Mes, like I was saying back at the forum, I do wonder about your shyness, Dear, and where you got this from."

Khalida eeks and throws herself backwards, almost knocking her chair over!

Khalida starts to cry softly. "Y-you said y-ou wouldn't t-touch me." she whimpers. Oh he lied! It was all a horrible scheme to get her to the Diplomat Inn and touch her on the chin!

Barson's stomach goes instantly uptight, he goes into an anxious shock and starts searching for words, he retracts any part of himself onto his side of the table, and strains out, "Oh dear me, Mes, I meant nothing by it... but I do hope..." He quits out as his throat closed up from his anxiety, but he prays she'll calm...

I've had such a good morning...
Here's your dagger

LiveJournal for Lord "LEVIATHAN"/Shari Vegas/Barson Eesani.

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