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batchain

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August 8th, 2004

01:35 am: Sick and spending
I have a wanging headache. I've had it for hours. It's now at the point
my whole head, neck, face, and eyebrows are in a vise grip. My hair hurts even.

I've stopped projectile vomiting, but I believe this is due in large
part to the fact I'm not eating. I can handle popcicles and for some odd
reason popcorn. I have never been all that interested in popcorn, but
lately I crave it. And cantalope.

I'm semi-manic and spending money hand over fist. God.

Myheadhurts

July 10th, 2004

09:58 pm: HOLYMOLEY

Your LiveJournal Love Life
LJ Username
You are lusted after by: randomzen
You will be seen naked by: shadowyfigure
You will have casual sex with: sirsyko
You will be loved by: alfaboy
You will fall in love with: antipas
You will end up with: sirsyko
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09:13 pm: Of Gamaglobin, Hemoglobin, Bilirubin, Jaundice, and Missing White Blood Cells..
Well, I have had a weird week, to be sure. I have been feeling rather puny for a while now. I just chalked it up to
being unsettled and depressed about several things happening
in my life these days.

For some time I realized that something was amiss; something more
than could be explained by being unhappy about moving and
grieving for my brother.

I would walk from my car to the house, all of 50', flat terrain, no obstacles, no rampaging squirrels to battle, no
rabid dogs to avoid, no Jehovah Witnesses to run the gambit
through, no winos to tap dance through, no nuclear waste to
deal with, no vicious, noxious, or spiteful plants demanding
water or revenge: nothing but a lovely and charming walkway
any granny could make easily; and would be close to passing
out.

Anyway, I found I was dizzy, light-headed, nauseated, having
heart palpitations, and other uncomfortable abnormal symptoms
every time I walked across the room. So being the freak that
I am, I'm thinking I'm either having heart trouble, or I've
finally succumbed to lung cancer and frankly, I don't want
to know about either so I choose to do my best to ignore the
symptoms and hopefully die in my sleep.

Well, I soon realize it won't be long before I won't be doing much of anything except lying wherever I've fallen
praying it wasn't my front yard, the frozen food isle at the
local grocery store, or buck naked in the bathroom floor which anyone coming to the front door has a bird's eye view
of.

I drag my self to the doctor. He/She runs tests, but as it is
the holiday weekend some of the tests will have to be done
Tuesday. Tuesday I drag myself in again. More blood tests
and I'm to have an emergency MRI/sonogram in a couple hours.
I'm taking care of my nephew and I don't want him to think
I'm dying (I felt like it).

Somehow I ended up getting locked in my sister's bedroom, my
cell phone starts ringing, as does the land line. My super
smart nephew takes the screen off the window and hands me
the phones. It is both my doctors telling me to go to the
emergency immediately.

Apparently, I have only half the blood I'm suppost to have.
But no one knows why. I was given 2 blood transfusions and endured some rather nasty tests, but no one knows why still.


I can report I do feel better. I don't know how vampires make
it.

July 3rd, 2004

02:34 am: Next week.....
I start Tae Kwon Do instruction with my 9 yr old nephew.


Heeeeei ya!

What was I thinking?

June 30th, 2004

03:38 am: I washed the remote controls to the cable box and tv
in with my bedding.


I think I am going to barricade myself in the basement and finish going completely insane.

Good gawd, should I risk making something to eat?
I'd probably just throw up and then there'd be that
to contend with on top of everything else.


I'm pretty damned pathetic tonight.

June 29th, 2004

11:31 pm: Sad, sad, sad...
It's been a sad few weeks (hell what am I talking about: I've been seriously depressed since my brother died)


Who would guess that I spend a good portion of every day
crying, wracking, heaving, sobs that leave me weak and sliding down toward the floor. Instant tears that work
themselves up into primal abject dispair.

I miss my brother. I miss my husband. I miss my daddy. I
miss my Auntie. I miss my sister and I miss my mother for
how they have managed to turn me into their poor dysfunctional little pet not bothering any more to see
beyond all the sickness and drama.

I hurt and I'm sad and I feel I am no longer a person but
a disorder. Everyone has stopped looking beyond the illness, in fact all they see is illness. That is all I am
these days. I am simply an anomaly. Everyone is suddenly
Dr. Knows Best having read an article in Ladies Home Journal written by someone's grandmother who worked in
a psychiatrist office 20 yrs ago; or by someone who has
a neighbor whose cousin 15 thousand miles away has a son
who they think has it.

Lately, I've been discounted and invalidated to the point
I'm sure my mother and sister have worked out among themselves the Plan for handling me. Yes, I've been religated to the subhuman and must be handled now. I've
been totally stripped of any individuality, of my personality. I am now a set of behaviors, actions, and
reactions predictible.

I am so fucking lonely. My safe haven of friends and family is no more. I never expected to lose my sister
and mother. Especially my sister. The last 9 mos have been
absolute hell emotionally. Losing my brother in September,
then having that major ugly epiphany in December about
my mother, now realizing I moved across 2 states to be with my sister who seems more interested in her own personal past sister abuses. Apparently I am to be made to
pay, for what I haven't a fucking goddamn clue. Honestly,
I feel just as sad about the change in my sister and learning about my mother it's as if they have died as well.

So much sadness. I don't pity myself and don't expect anyone else to either. I simply don't know what to do. I
really don't want to talk to anyone any more; my fucking
life is such a horror of death and sadness I have nothing
of interest to say any more. Death and loss has such a big
focus in my life I feel like a freak.

I don't like it here. I feel abandoned and taken advantaged of. Unfortunately, I'm fairly stuck here now.
I feel like a little mousie dinner at the boa constrictors
house.


I want my brother. I want to talk to him just once more,
I want to hold him and tell him I will always love him,
that when he died part of me died too. He was part of my
soul and the pain of losing him I'm not sure I'll ever
recover from.

I want my dad. I need him to protect me from being devoured by Her. I can't stand that he died so alone, feeling so bad. I would have helped you daddy, I would have tried. Oh daddy...

And Randy,, sweet Randy. You were far to good for me and I
suppose it's best you died before I destroyed you.

The betrayal of my sister has caught me off guard and to
be honest I can't understand just what exactly is going on.

I'm so tired. I am in a dangerous place left alone and
without any sense of reality or hope.
Tired. So very tired.

June 12th, 2004

11:13 pm: Behold the mystery that is me: I created numbers. The world would do well not to trivialize

I am infinity

You may worship me,
but from afar

_

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa

May 28th, 2004

11:21 pm: I must admit, I do love the word.....
fuck fuck fuckity fuck
What Usage of the Word Fuck are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

May 24th, 2004

01:30 am: Attention: Fake rock manufacturers
There is no need to make fake rocks. There
are plenty of real rocks and the world is not in immanent peril of running out anytime soon or even not soon. In fact,
the world is made entirely of rock, as are all nearby planets.
So even if the world does run out of rock, it can borrow some
from the neighbors. So just stop it, it's stupid.

May 21st, 2004

10:35 pm: Funny, and maybe even amusing...
how one can fill up so much space in a journal without actually journaling. "Go, waste your own space. This wasted space is mine and I intend to keep it, buster!"



I should be paid for this. This is quality, skillfully constructed and deftly executed wasted space. It would receive
the highest rating for professionalism if there were a Wasted Space rating system (certified). But then I guess there would
have to be some sort of Academy For The Arts Of Wasted Space
or whathaveyou and then there would have to be an actual physical location for this academy, somebody to answer
the phones and take out the trash. All this would then be
pointless because the actualization would entail thought and effort and as we all know they void all consideration for space to be well and truly deemed wasted.
10:10 pm: I'm a blonde trapped in a redhead's body?!
YOU ARE MAE WEST!
Va-Va-Voom! You're inner Bombshell is Mae West.
You've definitly got a lot of wit, a lot of
smarts, and you know how to use people to your
advantage. Ever heard the phrase "doesn't
take any crap from anybody"? Well that's
you! Just like Mae you never want to settle
down, and can't imagine being with just one man
for the rest of your life. You don't care about
conventions and have no filter from your brain
to you mouth. Check out the movie "She
Done Him Wrong" to see your inner
bombshell in all her voluptuous glory!


Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla

May 20th, 2004

12:33 pm: I remember this guy (not literally, smart ass) his pictures are still around in China Town
I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.
12:25 pm: I guess I won't be finding many pirates washed up here abouts...
I am the Atacama Desert!
Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.
12:16 pm: rumandmonkey has had too many widgets jammed up his bum..

My name is You cant get a even get a girl.
Take WHAT YOUR NAME MEANS today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

April 9th, 2004

11:05 pm: Unwritten
Some times it is simply too hard to write. Sometime can actually be quite
a long time; then guilt allows you to post "filler": quizzes and such. Ridiculous fluff you normally wouldn't even consider worth filling out much less posting to the journal. Something to fill the space. Any thing to break inactivity and lack of content. The silence of your words prevent the inevitable examining of your thoughts, the unavoidable introspection
you know will occur if you resume your journaling. If you allow the
words to flow. If you allow yourself to actually let go. I don't want to go. Therein lies the danger. And fear.

April 7th, 2004

09:41 pm: Pity Party
I have no home. I'm staying in a noisy, creepy, yucky, seedy dive that's
run by a person whom I suspect has a heavy meth habit, and every night
speed freaks party in the room 2 doors down 'til the sun comes up. I share
this unlovely space with my 3 cats who take every opportunity to try and
escape. I accidently knocked the headboard (one long piece spanning the
wall for both beds) off the wall trying to hook up to the phone jack. The
mother is damn heavy and really long so I can't get it back in place by
myself.
If I make it without being murdered in my bed or robbed by crazed-eyed hopped-up drug addicts (who, by the way, are having a screaming fight in
the parking lot right now) I'll count myself lucky.

God I hope I find a house soon.

February 11th, 2004

05:29 pm: Looking at prevous posts...
About my brother, I see that I hadn't updated information.
There was a coroner's investigation (an autopsy and lab tests
performed at the State laboratory) regarding his death.
It seems the facts are that my brother did not kill himself. He died of natural causes due to poor health, probably of heart disease. He was 43 yrs old.
I am furious with the Coroner's/Police Department's Investigator for having immediately assumed that suicide was the cause although there was not any evidence to support this
claim initially. While I am tough enough and experienced enough to see suicide for what it is: the gesture of someone
who is experiencing great pain/despair/loneliness/unhappiness
etc; and not as a cowards way out; there are those in my family who do. That fact aside, when you take into consideration the effect it had on my mother, a sweet little old lady who struggles to keep up with the modern world and finds it difficult to totally discard her old school values, who still blames herself for his death although she knows she did all she could for him, their behavior was inexcusable.
We've, my mother, sister, and I, have had people tell us the
most puzzling things about Mike's last days. We've been told
he was drinking heavily and taking oxycontin by handfuls the
afternoon before he died. Yet, there was 0 evidence of alcohol and a normal dosage level for oxycontin (for which
he had been prescribed) in his blood tests.
Things were missing from his apartment such as his mattress
food, and his pots and pans/utensils, etc. while his television, tools, a Dremel, camera, expensive coat, radios,
and such were left behind.
We still don't exactly who alerted the police in the first place, but I am certain it wasn't who the police said it was.
I think the police had probably
05:25 pm: Sexy hair

Today I have sexy hair.




I don't know how or why but I'd be a fool to question such things.

February 2nd, 2004

09:09 pm: GODDAMNIT!!!
Another thing jettisoned into cyberwasteland.
Crap. I have a theory that everthing I have lost to cyberspace over the years actually shows up at some poor smuck
named Bruno's porno web site. I have wondered if he has saved them all or if he, puzzled at why he continues to receive
stuff from me, simply shakes his head and deletes them. I have never been able to purposely enter cyberwasteland to ask him. Or to see if I unwittingly have been a porn star all these years.

January 6th, 2004

12:35 am: Stuck like a bug...
I'm stuck in Albany. There is snow. It is making even more
snow. Everywhere. I am not a coward, I will drive in the
fucking snow. After over a week of being stuck, I would
put fucking wings on the damn car and hang-glide home.



BUT NO. NO. NO. NO. MY FUCKING CLUTCH BLOWS IN THE
MIDDLE OF GODAMN FUCK COLD SNOWVILLE.




the end. Wave to the cats when you drive by the house
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