11:31 pm: Sad, sad, sad...
It's been a sad few weeks (hell what am I talking about: I've been seriously depressed since my brother died)
Who would guess that I spend a good portion of every day
crying, wracking, heaving, sobs that leave me weak and sliding down toward the floor. Instant tears that work
themselves up into primal abject dispair.
I miss my brother. I miss my husband. I miss my daddy. I
miss my Auntie. I miss my sister and I miss my mother for
how they have managed to turn me into their poor dysfunctional little pet not bothering any more to see
beyond all the sickness and drama.
I hurt and I'm sad and I feel I am no longer a person but
a disorder. Everyone has stopped looking beyond the illness, in fact all they see is illness. That is all I am
these days. I am simply an anomaly. Everyone is suddenly
Dr. Knows Best having read an article in Ladies Home Journal written by someone's grandmother who worked in
a psychiatrist office 20 yrs ago; or by someone who has
a neighbor whose cousin 15 thousand miles away has a son
who they think has it.
Lately, I've been discounted and invalidated to the point
I'm sure my mother and sister have worked out among themselves the Plan for handling me. Yes, I've been religated to the subhuman and must be handled now. I've
been totally stripped of any individuality, of my personality. I am now a set of behaviors, actions, and
reactions predictible.
I am so fucking lonely. My safe haven of friends and family is no more. I never expected to lose my sister
and mother. Especially my sister. The last 9 mos have been
absolute hell emotionally. Losing my brother in September,
then having that major ugly epiphany in December about
my mother, now realizing I moved across 2 states to be with my sister who seems more interested in her own personal past sister abuses. Apparently I am to be made to
pay, for what I haven't a fucking goddamn clue. Honestly,
I feel just as sad about the change in my sister and learning about my mother it's as if they have died as well.
So much sadness. I don't pity myself and don't expect anyone else to either. I simply don't know what to do. I
really don't want to talk to anyone any more; my fucking
life is such a horror of death and sadness I have nothing
of interest to say any more. Death and loss has such a big
focus in my life I feel like a freak.
I don't like it here. I feel abandoned and taken advantaged of. Unfortunately, I'm fairly stuck here now.
I feel like a little mousie dinner at the boa constrictors
house.
I want my brother. I want to talk to him just once more,
I want to hold him and tell him I will always love him,
that when he died part of me died too. He was part of my
soul and the pain of losing him I'm not sure I'll ever
recover from.
I want my dad. I need him to protect me from being devoured by Her. I can't stand that he died so alone, feeling so bad. I would have helped you daddy, I would have tried. Oh daddy...
And Randy,, sweet Randy. You were far to good for me and I
suppose it's best you died before I destroyed you.
The betrayal of my sister has caught me off guard and to
be honest I can't understand just what exactly is going on.
I'm so tired. I am in a dangerous place left alone and
without any sense of reality or hope.
Tired. So very tired.
