Pøster Child for Birth Cøntrøl's Journal

3:07pm: hi hi hi hi
hey to all of you guys that have me on your friends lists as defwords. just thought i would let you all know that i rarely write in this journal becoz i have another journal. its tragic_beauty so add me and i will add you back!!!!

10:00am: the resurrection
IM BACK FUCKERS

12:45am: hey
ok so you might still have me on your friends list for no appearent reason, but if you had my new lj name when i changed it to TragIc_BeaUty well i delted it. as far as im concerned im committing livejournal suicide. so im out. see ya's all lata... or not...

10:50am: WOOOHA GOT YOU ALL IN CHECK
yea so hmm. i haven't updated here in awhile. yea well same ol shit been goin on in my life. ya know how it is. i can say that i have been happier which is good. and if you have missed my last two posts add me to your friggan friends list. i got a new journal! damn you.

umm yea i dunno why i was updating this thing, i guess i was just really really bored. im just sitting around waiting to go to work and im talkin to rick. he sucks. he is goin to the beach today with my bro. and i wann go, but NOOOO I HAVE TO GO TO FUCKING WORK!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrr

10:04am: DAMN YOU ALL> WHY HAVEN"T MORE OF YOU ADDED MY NEW LIVEJOURNAL TO YOUR FRIENDS LISTS!!!!! THANK YOU TO THE ONES WHO HAVE> *MAUH* BUT THE REST OF YOU!!!! AHHHH YOU ALL NEED TO ADD ME NOW!!!! tragic_beauty ADD ME!!!!!

9:11am: the artist formerly known as defwords......
MmMmMM i just decided that i am goin to post my new livejournal username to the rest of you. i don't see why i should have to hide what i think and what i feel from certain people. and if you do not like what i have to say then kiss my ass. my new lj is tragic_beauty

XOXOXOXO <3 tragic beauty *muah*

9:05am: being in school on a saturday sucks my ass. ;\

9:32pm: this is s a funny convo between me rick and my bro. they didn't know i was bi. i told rick., he told my brother who was completly clueless. then we started talking about how rick wants to fuck me lol. i dunno man. my bro talking is in red rick is in blue
Dancefreaky21: andy wants to know why you didn't tell him you were bi lol
C7dEfWords: lol i thought he knew that
Dancefreaky21: its me
Dancefreaky21: what do you mean i would know
C7dEfWords: i thought you knew that.
Dancefreaky21: how
C7dEfWords: i dunno most people know that. i just assumed you did.
Dancefreaky21: what did you ever say to make me think that
C7dEfWords: i dunno. you never heard me say oh shes hot i'd do her.
Dancefreaky21: well it dosent shock me almost every girl i meet is so
C7dEfWords: lol thats cool
Dancefreaky21: ummmmmm no not once
C7dEfWords: hmm oh well i say it alot lol. and you never noticed that i have a thing for angelina jolie
Dancefreaky21: thats why you have thoes pics
C7dEfWords: lol yes she is fuckin hott!
Dancefreaky21: you could like someone betta than her
C7dEfWords: eh oh well i like her
Dancefreaky21: well share that in common tits ass and dick
Dancefreaky21: that was rick
Dancefreaky21: i dont like dick eva
C7dEfWords: lol
Dancefreaky21: neva eva
C7dEfWords: right
Dancefreaky21: you like that one
Dancefreaky21: i am always flurtin with u
Dancefreaky21: yes or no
C7dEfWords: what are you babling about? i got kiked off
Dancefreaky21: do i flirt with ya all the time yes or no?
C7dEfWords: lol whjy are you asking me that?.
Dancefreaky21: andy tell his ex i want to fuck ya
C7dEfWords: lol what? why?
Dancefreaky21: cuz her friend frank ask if you were hot
C7dEfWords: lol
Dancefreaky21: and said i would fuck you
C7dEfWords: aww thanks

lol riiiiiiiiiiiight that was wierd. haha. ok yea so i guess im goin over to lacey's house. i dunno what we are doin. i think hanging out with liz amd merry or something. heh yea. lol oh yea me and lacey are friends again. im still slightly aggrivated. but not really. hey my friends were just watching out for me. i guess i kinda overrreacted coz i was being pissy. but eh i guess i don't stay mad for real long unless you totally fuck me over. and she didn't. so all is well. life is a lil better. sure there are things i would change but hey ya know. i guess you can't have everything you want. hehe. oooo i hope jimmy is home i miss him!!! i haven't seen him in sooo long lol. aight well i am off. woot. arg i have to get up at like 6:30 tomorra. damn work. i have two jobs yea fuck that. and i have to be at one from 7-11:30 and then from the other 12-6 grrrrr. i hate life!!!! lol!! working sucks my ass!

6:49pm: READ THIS READ THIS!
i have a new livejournal!!!!!

yea i changed my name coz i dunno i just felt like it. i think i pretty much added everyone that i had on my friends list before. so please all of you add me back. i don't wanna wrte the new name here coz im trying to avoid some poeple. and if i forgot to add you just add me and i will be sure to put ya in.

i now have to go rejoin my communities.... AAAAHHH

5:38pm: fuck work. i donn't want to go.
but i havbe to. im leaving now bye

4:49pm: you let me down for the last time.. and i wash my hands of you getting on with my life
another day pases me by...

me and andria went out after school. and we went to dunkins and we were trying to figure out what to do. i called nick. and went over his house to see the prom pics. they are wicked cute. then i went to lacey's house becoz she sed if i wanted my stuff back to come get it. so that is what i did, but hey guess what? she wasn't there. or she was pretending to not be there. whatever. i don't give a fuck. i heard some more things today that i kinda wish i hadn't. appearently brian did in fact meet some girl from new hampshire. and he thinks that we just don't click anymore. or something like that. so hmm yea. i wish that he wouldn't lie to me. that is another reason i can't be his friend. he lies. but before i knew all this, i had been thinking today, that mebbe i can be alright on my own. and i can get over this. and move on. and i decided that after a few days of just thinking things over i wanted to ask him if we could be friends again. becoz i have learned that i have lost a lot of really good poeple. i thought that brian was a good kid. i thought that he was an awesome person and i liked just chilling with him. and i didn't want to lose out on a good friend becoz of a stupid pointless meaningless relationship. but then i heard more things and now i don't know... if we are to be friends i don't want to be lied to. and i can't ask him for the truth coz i don;t think that i will get it. *sigh* what am i to do?

yea but this is what happend between us last night.... this is how you say goodbye
( Read more... )

9:29am: after my last lil rant i got bored and decided that i was in a stateof depression and won't do work

You're responsible, sweet, gentle and lovable! You have a loving heart, a great respect for all creatures (human, great and small), and the ability to see the thing that makes each individual special. However, you tend to overlook the things that make you special, and thus, putting you in a position to be pushed around by others. Take some time everyday to reflect on your qualities, and see that you don't have to please everyone and still be loved for who you are. Which Love Hina Girl Are You?

Who's your DBZ guy?

Which Evangelion Child Are You?

9:13am: there is no hppy here
hmm. im in school. i should be writing my shop term paper,but umm i just don't feel like doin it at all. i just want to sit here and hate life somemore. yea. last night definetlty sucked my ass. lacey came intomy work and told me something i really didn't want to know. i would have rather have had her not say anything to me. becoz i was at least somewhatok with being friends with brian. much as i would rather be goin out with him i enjoy being his friend. i like his as a person, yea he as been an asshole a few times. but ya know he still means alotto me and i know that i won't forget him. but i wish that things could be different. i wish i chanhe what happend. im sorry that things couldn't work out between us. but i guess this is for thebetter for us both. but im still upset by the fact that i lost someone who meant alot to me. i don't think that i should have talked to brian last night. i should have just left it alone and talked to him when i was in a slightly better mood. becoz i think tellinghim that i didn't want his friend ship was a mistake. actaully i knwo it was a mistake. but i wish that this hadn't happend.ugh. im aggriavted with myself.

i wihs that things hadn't changed so much i want thinsg to go back to the way they were, well mebbe be a lil differnt... i want to have brian again. befor i started fucking up the retionship by doin stupid things. before he was friends with reed. and when he was wicked sweet to me. and he used to write those stories. and when he told me he loved me all the time. when i had friends. before i started getting aggriavted with them. before all the bullshit when heather moved in and we all stopped being friends. i wish that we ALL including brian could be friends. it was nice being with everyone. i miss that so much. just driving around in his car doin absolutly nothings at all. *sigh*

but i knwo that you can't change things. life takes its course and you have to deal with what life gives you. but i wish that life wouldn't always keep giving problems. keep making life unbearable. for that time when i was with brian i was happy. life wasn't all thatabd with with acception of my asshole family. but i always felt that when i was with him, life was different. "life is something new" that i what it was. soimething new. and it wasn't something bad for once. i liked life.

there are so many things that i regret. i hate regretting life. i have made alot of mistakes. some of them aren't all that bad i suppose. but the rest of them have just completely destroyed me. i feel likei have nothing left anymore. like there is nothing for me. brian was my whole life. i hate how one person can become your life and you will forget everyone and everything for them. but then they turn around and treatyou like shit. and they take your world away from you. coz then all it does is here. there is no happiness anymore. there are no smiles. there is no laughter. there is only pain.

12:34am: all i ever wanted was for you to love me as much as i loved you. im sorry that i couldn't make things go further. you know that i would have done anything for you, anything to make you happy. and all i wanted in return was your love. mebbe there was a time when i had that. but i don't know that. i never will either. i never really understood you or the things you did. i tried to though. i loved you more than anything in the world. and i mean that with all my heart, but i guess that wasn't enough. nothing i ever do is enough.

but now it's time to say goodbye to you. even though this hurts more than anything i have ever experienced in my life. i have to let you go.

im sure everyone else is happy now. you all got what you wanted. im sure that brian reed is jumpin for joy. he hates me. and everyone who told me he wasn't good for me and it would never work, i guess you were all right. i hate admiting that, but its over, you were right be happy.

i hate crying. so much. i hate that i am this weak. i let a fuckin boy get to me. im mad at myself for lettkng someone have so much of me. for letting myself go and get completly wrapped up in him. dropping my guard and actually truly loving someone. i never loved anyone. NEVER. yes icare deeply for amny people, but i don't think lovve is the word that i would use for that. that word is thrown around by many. even myself. but thsi was different. i wasn't just saying it this time. when i sed it, i meant it with everything that i had i meant it. and now i am reduced to nothing. this is what happens when you love. you get hurt and your shit now. you are nothing you have nothing. i don't think that anyof you can imagine the kind of state i am in now. i don;'t get this upset over boys. yes it hurts when they hurt you. but i usually don't cry. but this, this is something new. all i can so it cry. tears are just streaming down my face, flooding the keyboard a lil more with every drop. and if you could see in my head see my soul, you prolly se nothing. i feel so numb now. its a mix of numbness and pain. i can't explain.

3:47pm: fuck life
i do not want to go to work. there i will be completly miserable. i will be there and hope for something knowing it will never come and then i might cry again. mebbe marky mark is working. he can cheer me up, sometimes. i need a picker upper. someone should kidnap me and get me wicked drunk and then leave in the street to die so at least i can die intoxicated and happy. i know what would make me extremly happy, but of coursei can't have it. why would i ever get anything from life that i want? ya know my whole life i have learned that there is a god and that he doesn great things. if he's so fuckin great and does good things then why am i so fuckin depressed and miserable all the time? last night i pondered this through tears and my cigarette, at 2:3oam

im bored i snagged this from the messiah dilah himself hells_angel or just don.
I SEE? my life passing me by
I NEED? love and a hug. a really big fuckin hug
I FIND? i can't be happy
I WANT? to have a normal happy life
I HAVE? 6 bucks and a pack of butts
I WISH? to be in a coma like sleeping state til friday when school is over
I LOVE? what the fuck is that?
I HATE? poeple and work
I MISS? my sanity and my love
I FEAR? life
I FEEL? nothing
I HEAR? music "heaven" dj sammy
I SMELL? grape popsicle
I CRAVE? a cig, love, and mebbe some sex ^_~
I SEARCH? the truth
I WONDER? if i think my life sucks now, how much will it suck when i grow up?
I REGRET? caring, loving, feeling, all the times i fucked up

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...

SMILED? i guess when i wasin the car wit dria
LAUGHED? 7th period when evan sed something
CRIED? last night for about 2 hours and then when i woke up today
BOUGHT SOMETHING? today, food
DANCED? ummm i hav no idea
WERE SARCASTIC? who knows
KISSED SOMEONE ? saturday
TALKED TO AN EX ? today
WATCHED YOUR FAVORITE MOViE? i dunno
HAD A NIGHTMARE? 2 nighst ago
LAST BOOK YOU READ? does JTHM count?
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? silent bob and jay strike back
LAST SONG YOU HEARD?dj sammy heaven
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK? i don't think i drank anything today yet
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED? last night
LAST THING YOU ATE? grape popsicle

DO YOU...

DO DRUGS? yea
HAVE SEX? derrr yea
SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? yea the one bri gaveme for christmas
LIVE IN THE MOMENT? when i can
HAD A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? not recently
PLAY ANY INSTUMENT? bass guitar
BELIEVE THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? yes
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? definitely
STILL LOVE THEM? not really
READ THE NEWSPAPER? if i have one around
HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? yup and i love them
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? nope
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? yes
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS? yea i guess
CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE? itsnot a mistake its a part of life
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? YES
HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY? i don't really like candy anymore
BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? yes
BELIEVE IN GOD? not really
BELIEVE IN MAGIC? to an extent
PRAY? fuck no
GO TO CHURCH? ugh yes
HAVE ANY PETS? yes
TALK TO STRANGERS WHO IM YOU? yup
WEAR HATS? no
HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? my belly button
HAVE ANY TATTOOS? not yeeeeet
HATE YOURSELF? sometimes
HAVE AN OBSESSION? unfortunatly
HAVE A SECRET CRUSH? naw
COLLECT ANYTHING? cd's
HAVE A BEST FRIEND? i guess
WISH ON STARS? sometimes but those stars never pull through =\
LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? no
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? yup
CARE ABOUT LOOKS? sometimes
BELIEVE IN WITCHES? yea
BELIEVE IN SATAN? no
BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yea

11:34am: the beginning of the end of the beginning
i have decided that once i hit 1,000 entries, will be getting rid of my journal. i will either move elsewhere or just create a new lj. when i make my last entry ya'll will know and if you care to read my new journal you can drop me a line and i will tell ya where it is.

i just decided that since i have been changing alot of things in my life i would change some otehr things. my journal is one of them. and though i love my journal, its my fuckin life, there are those who i do not care to have reading this anymore. so i am goin to move. so i guess its kinda like out with the old and in with the new. i have been getting rid of alot of things. people included. i guess there is a time in life when things change. not always for the better but no matter what there will always be change. there is nothing anyone can do about it either ;\ that sucks.

but alot of things suck and you can't chnage them so ya knwo what fuck it! i keep getting hurt no matter what its invloving. i am constantly being hurt my boys, by friends, by my family.so why try. why try to do anything. i can't do it anymore.

11:23am: hot rod circuit//THE PHARMACIST
lay awake wondering
if things could have been much different
second chance whats become
of a friendship if you can call this one
stayed in touch stood behind
while i gave you space
and you envade mine while
everyone makes mistakes

you let me down for the last time
truth prevails
and theres nothing you can hide
and i wash my hands of you
getting on with my life

wanna call and catch up
but no matter what i know you still suck
took the drugs from my friends
whatever were you thinkin?
stayed in touch stood behind
while i gave you space
and you invade mine while
every one makes mistakes....

if the shit remains the same
it makes no difference
in this stupid world we know

eh yea today sucks. just like every other day. i have to go to work tonight. i don't know if i can deal with that... i don't wanna be there. idon't wanna be anywhere except for in my room in my bed asleep where i can get away from this fucked up place.

1:19am: why do i even attempt happiness?
why do i try?
is so pointless. i think that i will be happy finally... but then it all turns to shit again. i really just fuckin hate my life so much now.

i hate crying.
i hate that i can't stop.

this hurts... more than it ever did before.... i think im literally goin to be sick now. that is how much it hurts.

i hope you know how this feels.

11:18pm: in this world we won't spank the monkey, the money will spank us!-jay mewes
heh yea. jay and silent bob rock! yea i went on a mad crazy shopping spree today haha. i am now completly broke. after school i came home after goin out with andria for awhile and my mom picked me up and took me to the mall. i got two new shirts, a rancid tank top and a cool tank with a a fairy on it. new sandals, fuckin huge chunky ones! 3 new cute lil thongs, oh so pretty and sparkly!! 3 cd's, victory records sampler 5, vagrants sampler, and dj sammy heaven single, with 6 count em 6 remixes of this song! oh god i love it! 1 dvd, silent bob and jay strike back. new straightening iron since i kinda destroyed my old one. some cigarettes. and i think that was all. but i have ZERO dollars now. im poor as fuck. haha. oh well. ;o) i got cool new shiiiiiiit! woot woot.

i watched my movie, and did some laundry. now im listeining to dj sammy and just chillin. chillin is good. heh. i wish brian was home. im bored i wanna talk to him, i haven't seen him since like saturday ;*( ahhh! hmmm i miss him. heh wow how pathetic am i? *coughverycough*

"baby your all that i want
when you lying here in my arms
im finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
we're in heaven"

11:31am: grrr my background is gone i am mad!!!!!!!!!

evan if you see this FIX IT!!!!!!!! IM TOO LAZY TO DO IT MYSELF!

11:16am: pepsi and vodka rock ;o)
hmm yea history class rocked. we had miss marsh who is like the coolest substitute ever. we did like nothing for 2 periods. me and some of mah cool friends haha, drank sum pepsi and vodka. laura fell off her chair!!! and zach had been like writing heather smokes crack and shit on her paper and miss marsh collected it! heh. but before those two periods of happiness i had shit. ms o donel first and then ms lloyd, faaahck the morning sucked, bah.

oi more crap... i hate crap. i hate life. actually i don't. my life currently at this very moment would be quite good if it wasn't for my dad. ugh, i hate my dad. he like completely flipped out on me and brother last night. we weren't doin anything wrong at all. we were just making some FUCKIN BAGEL BITES!! ahhhh. yea my oven sucks and the house got filled with smoke. but he like tweaked and was yelling at me and andy and telling andy to get the fuck out of the house and stuff. yea fuck you dad.

but anyways. i get to go shopping today. i have to do some laundry too. especially my black short coz somebody got some shit all over them *ahem brian* ;P heh. in my room there is a huuuge like seriously taller than me pile of clothes. i rearranged my whole room last night coz i was so bored. it was hard! my furniture is soooooo fuckin heavy!!

me and heather wanna go to hampton and go shopping! but kevin has work at 5 so we can't go today at all. so my mom is taking me to the mall so that i can buy some new stuff. YEA> new clothes whoo whoo. ahah u need cigamarettes wicked bad!!!!!!

6:23pm: what i have in my heart, i'll take to ne grave...
*sigh* i've been up since 8. i just got home. im tired. and i am very very bored. and im aggrivated and pissed off. today has not been a good day. not at all.

we started off with waking up. that always sucks. i hate waking up. i can't wait for the day when iu just don't wake up. but anywyas... woke up, wento to church. my mom bitched at me coz i was wearing a hatebreed t shirt and she doesn't like the name and the lyric on the back 'what i have in my heart. i'll take to my grave' i really don't see anything wrong with that. but eh my mom is s freak ya know. the i went to dunkin donuts. sat in the parking lot of my work for a lil while coz it was wicked early. went in around quarter of 11. john told me i could punch in so i did.

he was in there til like 11:30. he left katie came in. sue came by for like .2 seconds. brenda came in around 2. dan craig and patti came in at 4. finally 7 rolls around and i get to leave. but i was in there for way too long. i was hoping brian would come by, coz me and katie made a deal that if he came by i could leave ifi gave her 20 $ i was all about it. but he never came by. it was a nice day he was prolly at the beach with everyone. lucky bastard i wish that i was at the fuckin beach.

grrr. i am just all pissed off and stuff now coz my mom angered me in the car on the way home. and now i am really really bored. coz its like 6:30 noone is around for me to talk to. noone is around for me to go out with. so yea im bored and pissed. not cool.

12:24am: "you cannot defeat the quad laser!" moononites (aqua teen hunger force)
IT"S BEEN A LONG FUCKIN DAY!!!!

i woke up at fuckin 7 am. went to school. got there around 8. worked until 12 with heather and amanda. then they left so me mr struthers and tom worked until 2. only got 10,000 out of 45,000 done. ; \

then brian, reed, and val picked me up. we stopped by my work. i tried to get the night off, i failed. so we went to billerica and to val's work. brian saw his friend joe. and we all ended up goin to hampton. on the way ther brian and joe were racing we were doin like 115. and then we discovered that brian has a fuckin govenor in his car. ;( stops at 116. oh well. got to hampton cruised around for a bit. lost reed and joe. found em val went with them. me and brian chilled.

it was wierd though on the way home me and brian both just like dazed out completly. we had no music on, i was falling asleep. so was he which wasn't good coz ummm... he was driving! it was like fuckin highway hypnosis. he was way more dazed than me. then we got to my work at like quarter of and fell asleep in the parking lot. heh.

i worked from 6-11. i definetly didn't wanna be there. i was pretty mean to most people. fuck it i was tired. i wanna quit, and be a bum, but then i would be broke and that would kinda umm suck. cozi have like amillion concerts i wanna go to and stuff...

yea..;. err... i am at a loss for words. there are things i wanna say but i don't quite know how or what exactly to say. but just so you all know.. I Love Brian! ^_~

12:06am: these are the moments that i have waited for...and i could not ask for more..
i just got home. i went out with brian tonight. ;o) he picked me up around 8, we went up to nashua, ato see if there was anyone around to race. we didn't really find anyone. saw a suped up neon. bri talked to the kid who owned it. he is the head of a car club up there. he's pretty cool i guess. we drove by the place they all meet and it was sick, sooooo many cars. alotta mustangs. after we drove around a few times we came back through lowell. around 11 we ended up at IHOP. *yum* breakfast at night rules!!! hehe. i had some eggs, pancakes and bacon! yeeea! now im kinda sleepy. and it sucks coz i have to get up early tomorrow coz i gotta be at the school at like 8 am tomorrow. ugh. but brian is picking me up around 2 or so. so i get to chill with him and prolly reed until like 6. then i get to go to work again til 11. yea fuck that man. i need to get the night off! i don't wanna work tomorrow night at all. im gunna be so tired.

heh well earlier today was pretty cool. i went to evans after school and we watch gummo. it was wierd! i really don't get it but eh it was pretty cool. then we watched unsolved mysteries! hells yea. i haven't watched that in soooooo long. kevin and heather came over and we all went to the rainforest cafe in the burlington mall. it was pretty cool.

if it hadn't been for work, my day would have actually kiked total ass. heh. but im glad that i got to hang out with my friends and see brian though so it's all good man!

i'm still in that wierd sappy mood i have been in lately. sometimes it's depressing heh. but oh well. i've been listening to sappy ass music since i came home. like edwin mckain these are the moments. oh goawd i love this song. so friggan good! rawr i wish bri was here. i need to cuddle i need to feel someones arms around me tellin me they love me. i want that connection of touch, the feeling, the best sleep my life when someone has their arms around me. *sigh*

yea imma go cling to my pillow and try to sleep now.

8:35am: Date created: 2000-11-29 14:42:22
Date updated: 2002-06-07 06:31:40, 3 minutes ago
Clients used: Web: 1.0, 1.1
Journal entries: 962
Comments: Posted: 535 - Received: 1,145

sooon sooon i will have a 1,000 posts ahhh!

yea well my problems with getting a ride to work have beeb solved. yay! im gunna go hang out at evans house then kevin and heather are gunna come over and we are goin to the rainforest cafe then i am goin to work. work. oh fun. i worked yesturday by myself. it was bad. i was all alone. well she had called off debbie so yea. and todya since it is raining she will prolly call off jessie.

mMmmMmM cinnimon twists are good. *yum* i love the fact that we have a bakery shop in my school ;o)

yea. so umm evan is sitting next to me. wave evan *evan waved* he is 7words he's acool shit. yea.

8:29am: i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't want to fall asleep coz i'd miss you baby....
this song is goin to make me cry. i have been really sappy lately and now am sitting in school and laura jean is listening to i don't wanna miss a thing, by areosmith. dammit. =***( such a sad song. too many memories. makes me cry....

10:54pm: "love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneslf is real"-iris murdoch
so pretty much all day i have been laying in bed doin a helluva lotta nothing. i did some thinking. and some reading. i drew a lil bit out of pure boredom. i really suck at drawing lol. the only think i can draw are eyes.i i have a wierd obsession with beautiful eyes. heh heh. well anways here are some of my mindless random thoughts and whatnot.

i was thinking about what i a fuckin sap i am. heh. how much i love romantic stuff. and how much i deny liking it. i don't know why i deny it... mebbe coz i have just alwyas had to be a tough chick and i hang out with boys. and i always have. so i pretend to hate all that mushy stuff. but in truth i love it. i love crying when i watch sad movies, i love when guys do all that sweet stuff for you. like things guys do in movies. it's so sweet and it it just makes you feel so loved and wanted. i love getting flowers, and poems and random things for no reason other than the fact that the person who gave it to you loves you. stuff like that makes me cry. i miss sweet things like that. there are alot of things that i miss.

another thing that i love and i miss is falling asleep in someones arms. god i miss that. i don't get that anymore. when do i ever get to sleep with anyone? and i really mean sleep not fuck heh. even though that is FUN too ;) but seriously c'mon i miss waking up beside someone and feeling their arms around you. holding you, keeping you safe and warm. it's just a such a good feeling. *sigh* i love to cuddle to. like when you just chillin somewhere and your guys has his arms around you and plays with your hair or something like that. i love sinking into a couch watching a movie chillin. bah im getting all sappy now. its just that i miss that stuff.

i usually don;t get to do that stuff like cuddle or just chill and watch a movie with bri. we are always in the car or walking around somewhere. and when we do see movies they are in theatre's and cuddlin isn't easy with those fuckin armrests haha. i dunno i guess i just miss simple stuff like that. err idunno i think i have been sittin in my room reading too many chicken soup for the teenage soul tonight.; gawd im justso bored lol.

my head hurts. i wish i coould explain everything that i am thinking. but its hard. i don't kwno what to say. im lost. i knwo what is goin on in my head, well sort of i knwo what i am thinking. i don't understand a damn bit of it, but i knwo what isthere. but i can't explain any of it. liek when brian asks me what im thinking about. i really don't knwo what to say. so i always say i dunno. i think that annoys him a lil heh. but i really don;'t knwo my mind is always racing. its liek i never get a break from all these thoughts and questions and things running in my head. sometimes it gets to. and i don't knwo what to do any more. my mind gets so full with all thsi stuff. and it all bulds up and turns into anger or tears. so ahh i dunno what to do anymore. i guess i just let it all keep flowing right?

eh wutever. im bored and i guess i am done my mindless ranting.... for now

6:52pm: being a girl sucks. having your period definetly sucks. ALOT.
i definetly didn't get a chance to update while i was in school today. thaty kind of aggriavtes me. heh. i was doin alot of jobs, anad reading cosmopolitan all day. then i went to work, i thought i was working with debbie. but sue called her off. so i got to sit in work for 4 hours by myself. fun. that was quite boring. now i am home. i don't wanna be here! home is so boring. and tomorrow i am screwed coz i am sposed to work 2-6 but i have a half day at school, and no way to get to work yet. so hmmm. what am i gunna do? not good. who wants to drive me to work??? lol.

rawr. i am bored. very very very bored. oh yea and i think i mght be making my journal friends only not too sure yet, but i found out this morning that my parents had been readin my live journal. that pisses me off and if you see this you assholes that fuckin sucks. i do not care that i post my life on the internet for poeple to see. yea its for other poeple aND not you. i just might start a new journal. who knows. i hate to leave this journal. becoz i have so many friends and switchin journals would just be a pain in the ass. i do not like that i might have to go through this process of havin a friend only journal, becoz my parents do not knwo how to respect ones privacy. they are rude, and ignorant fucks. who should mind their own business. ;) fuckers.

but anyways. yea im wicked fuckin bored.

12:49pm:

If I were a Neopet... I'd be an Eyrie! Eyries inhabit the tropical climates of Neopia. They are very playful but can also be ferocious at times.

Which Neopet are you? Click here to find out!

11:04pm: im back. actually i have been back since like 9:30 but i've been out in brians car heh. ;) anyways. we went up to nashua, drove around looking for nice cars. noone was really out. sw i nice civic si wit a vtec engine *droool* then we drove around lowell and ended up back in billerica. got some mcdonalds. chilled ate, talked about stuff. me and brian actually talked alot tonight. it was good. i like tellin him stuff. coz the way i see it, when your with someone, they can't just be your bf or gf, but they also have to be one of your best friends. well that is how i see it anyhow. you have to be able to trust them with alot of stuff. ya know? well anyways. we had fun. im happy that i got to see him today ;)

*yaaaaaawn* im tired i think i need some sleep; goodbight poeple much love

6:16pm: WHAT IS THAT!??!
that would ve what my dad said when he saw my belly button ring! AAAAHHH!!! i thouught for sure i was screwed for life when he saw that! but i kept changing the subject. eh i guess its ok. i was weariong my buttopn up shirt, and i am an idiot and i only have like 2 buttons done and im talkin to him and i strech like i always do and the shirt raised enough for himn to see the piercing. so hes like what is thta? im like what? on your navel? what navel? IS THAT A PIERCING! ummmm.... yea. WHO DID THAT? i did. WHAT? HOW? and i made up this big lie lol about how i did it myself. see im damn good. ;) hahaha i will tell you my riduculous lie later. i have to go coz brian is picking me up in a few so we can go out. so i shall return. heh.

12:25pm: im in love with mean girl (im in love with you)
so today hasn't really been that bad. i don't have any work today. the seniors had their lil cook out thing. scotty snagged me some food and a drink. i will miss some of the seniors. some, definetly not all. most of them i found to be annoying. heh.

well *sigh* i have been pretty much using my journal for nothingness. i have been telling off my friends and bitching about my day. i used actually write stuff that has some meaning to me. i used to use this to clear my head. i guess you can call the profuse amount of pisssing and moaning in here clearing my head. but i dunno. i still have so many things running through my head. my mind is always racing. i think of like a million different things. and i worry about so much. n0thing i really think makes sense anymore. well at elast i don't think anything makes sense. i really need someone to talk to. i always had friends to talk to, but i need someone who is really not involved in any aspect of my life, but is. it's weird. i need someone who isn't really a close friend, but knows what is goin on with me. i guess what i am looking for can't really be found. i don't knwo exactly how to explain it... i wish that i did. coz i dunno what to think.

aaaaaccck! im like aggriavting myself now. i dunno what to say, i guess today will be full of ranting from me. coz for once i have no work. the only day this week i can do nothing. mebbe i can get the assholes to let me out. hahaa. yea riiiight. but there is always a chance i suppose... heh yea. grrr.

i think that i defintly need a break, from everyone. mebbe i can actually go the place this year. they were talking about sending me to the institution place. for a "rest" mm yea. fun. i get to spend a month with the crazy people in the mental hospital. i doubt they will send me though. they have been threatening that for ever. but they never do. just coz i broke a few things the other day. jeez.

i got in a fight with my mom the other day and i just flipped out. i didn't do anything bad like cut, but i broke some shit, and punched shit. that felt so good, to just let it all out like that. i mean yea im sure that wasn't the best solution, but fuck ya knwo it felt good.

i guess i am just ranting now. im bored can ya tell.

10:40am: 10 Bands you've Seen Live
Deftones
Incubus
taproot
nsync (hey i was in the 7th grade!)
backstreet boys (i was still young and stupid!)
tree
alien ant farm
hoobastank
green day
weezer

9 Things you're looking forward to
school being over
the day being over
friday
tool in august
warped tour in august
ozfest in august
Getting a Car
getting paid
eminem movie

8 Things you wear daily
my precious vans
pants
shirt
socks
my bracelets
my watch
pentacle necklace
headphones

7 Things that annoy you
people
bad music
freshman
Loneliness
Parents
people
punk wanna be's who buy stuff for the fashion of it all

6 Things you touch every day
the keyboard
the ground
the mouse
cd player
cd's
the car

5 Things you do everyday
cry
Pee
smile
whine
yell

4 People you'd want to spend more time with
brian
evan
dave
andy

3 Movies you could watch over and over
Fight Club
seven
american beauty

2 Of your favorites songs at this moment
what it is to burn-FINCH
cute with the e-TAKING BACK SUNDAY

1 Person you could live the rest of my life with
you know

11:28pm: another days memory dies...
i was in a good mood. now i am just aggrivated, and in a bad mood. i wasn't a manager. ;) brain worked. the night started out ok. i was in a semi decent mood i guess. then it got kinda busy and since we had to trian craig, it got a lil hectic. coz he doesn't know what he is doin yet. then heather and netto came in. i had to go talk to heather and get her lil spiel about all this. WHAT DON'T YOU POEPLE GET ABOUT DROP IT? i do not need this drama anymore. it's fights like this, shit like this that puts me in a bad mood. it's dealin with stupid crap and people that make me depressed. becoz this has been goin on in my life fro so long. i have been putting up with poeple and all their shit since i was in the 3rd grade. now im sick of it. SO DROP IT. ugh. then keith and sped had been in and out all night. they were funny at first but then they were just pissing me off. so they finally left when the brodeur came, thank god. but ahh it was just crazy. and after heather and netto came in i was friggan pissed off for the rest of the night. noone else came in when i wanna see certain poeple i never do. it sucks. tomorrow is my only day off. and what do i get to do? absolutly nothing. why? coz my dad is a cock sucker. fuckin bastard. grrr.

yea so now i am in a not so good mood. the asshole picked me up from work becoz my mom was visiting my grandma i guess she is sick or something. and my mom's cousin just died so she has been all emotional and annoying lately. i really don't care. god i am such a cold and heartless bitch now.

what the fuck happend to me? what made me the way i am? i have thought and thought about it and i really don't know. i have no idea if it's becoz of as my ex therepist would say my "traumatic childhood". or coz i just suck at life and i was meant to be a carelss bitch to many. there are still alot of things and poeple that i care about. but i have lost respect for alot of things and poeple and i just don't give a shit anymore. i should care more. but i don't. i used to care about school and all that, but i gave up. i used to care about making my parents happy with me, but when i learned that everything i do is wrong no matter what the hell it is, i just fuckin gave up again. i mean what the hell ya know? why can't i juust be a normal person, why do i always have to have some horrible thing goin on? why am i depressed so much, why do i always feel like life is a waste. i feel now that some of the bullshit in my life is gone coz i have brian again. but sometimes i have to wonder how long will that last? nothing will last forever. especially not my happiness, and i will believe that until something happens that will prove me wrong. it's just i think that becoz whenever i have been truly happy it gets screwed up and i end up in a worse state than the one i was in to begin with. so i am so afraid to lose what i have now. i don't know if i could ever go back to the way i was. or what would happen if i got worse? i dunno what i would do.... mebbe this time will be different. god, i hope this time is different. i hope i am wrong...

*sigh* fight fight fight bicker bicker bicker... that is all that goes on in this house. goddamnit i wish andy would just fuckin move out already. how old ar we again 22? GET THE FUCK OUT! how can one person be so fuckin helpless? he can't cook, clean, do laundry do anything himself. so he stays here. and leeches off the rest of us. he comes home and demands things. and starts the fights. he is always the one who starts it. goddmmit.

4:37pm: with my hands around your neck, who will stop me now?
yea so... after school i went out with heather, evan and kevin for a lil while. we stopped at kevin's and then we went to market basket so kev couldget some gas money. we went back to evan's house and they all smoked. i did not partake in the ritualistic smoking ceremony heh. i am trying to be a good kid and not smoke so much. plus i get wicked sleeepy and depressed when i am stoned. so i decided against it. our original intentions were to go to bickford's for some breakfast. but since there was like this huge bus accident in burlington, access to bickfords was impossible. it was like all closed off and stuff. so we went to IHOP in tewksbury, which turned out to be more convient becoz kevin had to drive me home anyways. we went to IHOP and i saw ritch bitch richb and his girlfriend amy. evan and kevin shared some pancakes and i was i had some eggs and bacon! *yum* and now i am home.

i have to go to work tonight. and i really don't wanna. and for some reason i fear that i am a manager tonight! ahh NO I DO NOT LIKE HAVING AUTHORITY!!! coz that means i have to be like all responsible and stuff. that bothers me! eep! plus that means sue would be coming in at night so i would have to have everything done and one of the new kids is starting! im so not trianing him! eck.

so today hasn't been all that bad, with the acception of mr holmes being a really big pain in the ass. but eh he just needed some nicotine i believe. haha. and well yea so that has been my day so far.

10:34am: LOOK WHAT EVAN DID. MY BACKGROUND IS SOOOO SICK! YEA SO WHAT I STOLE BORROWED IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE. MY JOURNAL LOOKS SICK!</FONT

10:21am: 49 more and i hit 1,000!
haha wow im a loooser! 49 more post and i have made a thousand haha. well i guess tonight i have to go to work again. oh yay. i definetly do not want to. coz we are training someone new. but he is pretty cool. he's dan's friend craig.

IM WICKED BORED> i hate school. yea. somone needs to send me som fuckin email! im gunna go look at all my communities. bye poeple

9:25am: what is the sudden like bursting out with all the damn online quizzes? don't you poeple ever get sick of them? yea my friggan page is FULL. i only take one once in awhile lol.

shop is definetly suckin! mr holmes is up my ass. laura jean is studing there are a million poeple in the copy center. the ikon guy is fixing the broken copy machine. im just sitting here listenin to finch bored out of my skull. GET ME OUT OF HERE! at least my day shall be a lil more peaceful. becoz there is only two poeple in the copy center today. jessie morgan came in to visit. and so did angie. (my old seniors)

freshman suck! they got 41 $$ worth of break today! dayum. ok well im out. im bored. kill me

9:27pm: baby don't cry, you gotta keep your head up, even when the road is hard, never give up....

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty
You love to be pampered and romanced by your men and things like cuddling by a fire, having an intimate meal, or having a long, deep conversation can always put you in the mood. Sex to you is usually more about the man your with than the act itself. Not a one-night stand kind of girl, newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men you prefer to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but they especially love the way you inspire their more aggressive, protective masculine side.

how fuckin funny is that? ima a goddamn princess. hahaha. i hate girls that are all like "OoO imma princess!" and they wear those fuckin shirts! i hate those shirts! angel ones i can deal with, but like the other ones just make me wanna hurl. lol.

well today was an interesting day. it was a lil more bullshit. a lil more crap i don't see why i have to put up with it. i had some fun. had some fights. spent ALOT of time on the phone. i talked to andria for awhile, we talked about shit. and everything is cool with us. nothing is really bad with us. we tell eachother the truth aboutwhat we think. yea we fighta hella lot but i thnk that helps us keep our sanity and we stay friends. angel called me a couple times while i was on the phone with dria. he was looking for my bro, but m and angel usually talk for awhile anyways. so when i got off the phone with her i called him. we talked about life and just alla crpa that has been goin on with us both. so it was cool.

now i am back online finally. just chillin. i really hate the phne lol. sometimes i don't mind being on it. other times im just like uuuuugh kill me!

i wanna watch a sappy movie. i love them so much. gawd imma dork. but i love those gay fuckin romantic, girly chick flicks lol. generally you would not take me as the romatic type of person, but i really do eat that stuff up. when guys do wicked sweet things i always wanna cry. like if i am seeing a movie for the first time and the guy does some insanly sweet thing, i cry heh. i alwyas do. i act like i hate mushy stuff, buti really love it. and i always wish that guys were the way they were in movoies hehe. like when they write poems and stories and sing. aww *tear* lol

aight imma go find a gay movie to watch now. bye ;)

1:46pm: hahahaa. this is funnythank you smarter child
SAN DIEGO (Reuters) - A naked man in a Jeep caused a truckload of trouble for police in front of a shopping mall on Sunday, running over one motorcycle officer before surrendering after police opened fire in a car chase.

Officers surrounded the sport utility vehicle at about 5:30 a.m. PDT near a San Diego shopping mall after briefly pursuing the driver for committing an act of indecent exposure -- riding naked in the open Jeep.

After stopping briefly, the driver sped off, striking the motorcycle officer, who was treated at the scene for minor injuries. Another officer followed the driver and fired several shots, shattering the vehicle's windows but not striking the man.

The man was pulled over a short time later and arrested.

11:40am: FUCKIN STOP IT
lacey,
why must you carry this on any longer than needed. stop replying to my journal. i do not care what you have to say. stop pushing buttons. just let it be. its over. you really do not understad how to drop something do you? you just don't get it? it's done. we aren't friends. so stop commenting to my journal. i don't wanna have to go through the process of my makin my journal friends only. so fuckin stop it

10:29am: choices always were a problem for you, what you need is somene strong to guide you.
hmm i dunno if i had mention this before but i do not believe that i have, but eh yea im goin out with brian again. we decided last night to give it another shot. so umm yea.

erg, i dun wanna go to work today. i am workin 26 mutha fuckin hours this week. what the fuck is that? hello that means i have one day off. and i yet again do not get to see poison the well or from autumn to ashes. grrrr. this is my crappy ass scheduale:
sunday-4-9 (done)
monday-2-6
tuesday-6-10
wed- off
thursday-2-6
friday-2-6
saturday-6-11!!!
but today i get to work with matt. he is pretty cool. hes a sophmore from billerica high. he seems like an aight kid and he isn't a completly sucky worker like some of the others. ;) so today won't be as horrible!
that is like 26 hours damn hello! way too much work for me. but that means i will have some money again. coz they 350 that i had that i had hoped would last me awhile is now gone. heh didn't last as long as i had thought it would. grrr. oh well. i guess im gunna be doin some press work for the school too. and i will be making 11 dollars an hour which isn't too bad, i wish that was my real job. 11 an hour is good for me ;)

hopefully i won't be working 12 hours a day 4 times a week like i did last summer. coz that sucked. i needed money wicked bad laas summer. my dad made me pay my own way to florida last year and it definetly sucked. i hope to have some time off so that i can spend time with brian. i wanna hang out with andy too. he sed that if my parents still go away we can have a few keggers! fuckin right! coz i don't think that i would be staying at laceys anymore. and my mom knows that so i might be able to just stay at home for 2 weeks with my brother. that woudl be some kik ass fun. i wish that brian didn't have to work everyday. but he can't miss anymore days. he willl get fired. so that really sucks. im sorry hun!

but yea im gunna go do some work or just sit and relax for a bit. i will prolly updaate again later. hehe coz i have no life. ;\ arg!

9:44am: what it is to burn....
school is such a waste of time. ugh. i have been sitting around staring that the copying machines. oh god how fun is that? and the thing keeps fuckin jammming! i hate copy machines. they can die!

i need to go have a cigarette. life angers me. oi. so much shit has been goin on. but i dunno. i think that its all over. mmm i talked to nick last night, we talked for awhile. i think that nick is the luckiest. he has the chance to get a break from all this. he gets 9 weeks away. lucky. but im not so bad off. i get to spend more time with brian now. and i get a chance to get away from everyone else. i think that i had spent too much time with the "crew" so mebbe this is all for the better. i think it is.

1:49pm: the demise of a friendship.
Zer0 Sama: christa
C7dEfWords: hey
Zer0 Sama: do u remember kyle
C7dEfWords: uh huh
Zer0 Sama: hes here
Zer0 Sama: he slept over
C7dEfWords: where is here? your house or joes?
Zer0 Sama: mine
Zer0 Sama: in my room on the floor lol
Zer0 Sama: with me heather n netto
C7dEfWords: cool. tell him i sed hi
Zer0 Sama: kyle- o cool
C7dEfWords: lol
C7dEfWords: how come he slept over? just coz?
Zer0 Sama: so whatd you do last night
C7dEfWords: went to hampton, chilled with brian for awhile
Zer0 Sama: just cause it was fun to have him sleep over
C7dEfWords: coolness
C7dEfWords: we didn't come back from the beach til like 9 and we dropped of reed and val, coz she is a pain in the ass
Zer0 Sama: are you going back out with brian yet
C7dEfWords: umm idunno. i don't think so
Zer0 Sama: heh ok
Zer0 Sama: so you didnt feel like being around people, so you went to the beach with brian
C7dEfWords: when did i say that?
Zer0 Sama: yesterday
C7dEfWords: i sed i didn't wanna b around joes friends that i don't know
Zer0 Sama: o0o scuse me my bad
Zer0 Sama: i understand
C7dEfWords: uh huh
Zer0 Sama: you didnt feel like going to andrias play you said youd rather go to joes bday party, so that was all good right? nah. then somehow you dont wanna go to joes bday party either and its funny how you end up with brian.
C7dEfWords: whatever lacey. god you always have to start something don't you? ehy can't you just drop it
Zer0 Sama: If your busy or going to ditch something we have plannned just dont say your going in the first place if your going to pretend your gtoing until brian offers something better
C7dEfWords: why*
C7dEfWords: whatever lacey
Zer0 Sama: why do I always have to start something? what the hell did I start??!!!
C7dEfWords: your pissing me off. you bring up the whole i didn't go to andria thing, i didn't go to joes party, im sorry jesus christ. i should be shot cozi wanted to go out with brian, and i didn't wanna go to andrias play coz it would have bored thehell out of me, and i didn't wanna go to joes party
Zer0 Sama: Okay well you can be with brian as much as you want now, sound good??????
C7dEfWords: fine, i will.
Zer0 Sama: =) Dont have boring andria plays, no joe parties. Nothing. You and Brian are free to do whatever you want. HOWEVER you want. WHENEVER you want.
C7dEfWords: good. bye

i went out for awhile then i came home and this was the email that i recived:
Now you got what you wanted, since we wont be friends anymore brian will ask you out again to play with your head! =) GO CHRISTA.

well now it's over. lacey reallly pissed me off. so hey i have no friends now. but that is alright. i knew this would happen eventually. so now its time to move on and find some new best friends. i have noticed that this happens all that time. i guess that its my fault becoz it always happens. and i cannot blame it on other people, becoz then i woul be acting like keith. when he blames all his friend problems on his friends, like he did to eric and mark and me. but i am over it. i've decided that i don't like poeple very much. actuallly i never liked poeple but whatever.

so i guess now im offically out of the "crew" we had. im sure the rest of it will continue to fall apart like it has been.

9:14am: yea so my plans for today changed again. i went to hampton beach with brian, reed, and val.i didn't go to joe's party becoz i didn't think that i would have had any fun, and i feel really bad about not goin... and lacey kind of aggrivated me today.so i wasn't exactly up for dealing with any of that.

so i went up to the beach with thm, it took us awhile to get there coz we had other stuff to do before we went up. me and brian had to go to the post office, and then we went to reeds, he wasn't too happy to see me i could tell. but he had to get ready first so me and brian went to get his car washed. so that it would be all shiny when we got to thebeach. did that and then went back and got reed and val. she definetly pissed me off today. but i think that she pisses everyone off. so we chilled at the beach. bri check out some girls and i checked out quite a few guy.. and i couple girls haha. val bitched all day. reed tried to put up with her. and was his usual goofy self. we drove around the strip a few times before we left to show off the car haha. we came back around 9 and dropped them off. then me and brian *ahem* "chilled" at the lake. haha ;) then we got some mcd's and then i came home.

i definetly wrote that last night when i came home. but again i fell asleep. last week i was staying up til like 3 am and being fine. now this week i come home crawl in bed and im like gone til morning. ugh.

its sunday. i hate sundays. becoz that means that i have to go to skool tomorrow and it means that i have to go to work. yuck! and i have to go to church, which i think is worse than goin to work.

er i need to smoke a ciggy-butt. and eat breakfast. so i am out. word. lol