I've decided that I'm going to start watching daytime talk shows again. You know, like Maury and Montel and all that. Not Oprah, though. I only want to watch shows where they parade out the debris of society and various haggard looking people.
Like today. On Maury, they had all these freakish looking people, let's just call them freaks for simplicity's sake, and with every single one of them: the girl with no arms, the variety of kids that looked like they were wearing masks, and the one girl that looked like Ash when he got stuck in the fake Necronomicon and it stretched his face out; all of them got the same compliment: they were beautiful people.
NO THEY FUCKING WEREN'T!! Goddammit, these are people that if you saw them on the street you would gaze upon them with a mix of horror and fascination. I don't care how nice you are, but if you see someone like that in real life, you are going to stare. And this inner beauty shit is so beyond played out. When someone says you're beautiful inside, that means you're fucking haggard. It means that the only person that would sleep with you is someone that's never, ever been able to see. I know this is callous and mean and all that, but I'm sorry, it's the fucking truth. No one is ever going to come out and say [insert whomever you think is shit fucking hot here, I'm going to go with Asia Argento] is beyond beautiful inside. It just doesn't happen.

I guess saying all of this makes me a shallow individual. I disagree. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a realist. And honest. I'm not going to lie about something like this. I'm not disagreeing that there are people that are haggard outside and beautiful inside. I'm living proof of this concept(ha ha). I'm just against telling people this simply cos they're, if this were 60 years ago, freaks. This doesn't mean that I'm all for openly mocking them and calling them freaks; that's just fucking cruel. And it's wrong. However, if they're on TV(which means they are openly being exploited for our ammusement), and I don't know them, I am going to laugh at them. Especially when every five minutes they're being told they're beautiful. I think they know that they're not. They're haggard, and if this were a couple hundred years ago, they'd be hunted down and killed as monsters.
Welcome to the world folks. Please move to your left.
I hope none of you think that I'm trying to trump myself up. I'm not. I don't think I'm attractive or even mediocre for that matter. But I know what I am. And I accept that. And what these people need is to accept who they are for what they are. Telling them they are beautiful is not going to help that. Telling them they are freaks or monsters isn't going to help that, either. They are people, just like you and me. They're not going to be a supermodel anytime soon, but then again, you're probably not going to be, either. That doesn't mean you're ugly, it means that you are. Take it for what you will.

love,
josh

Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Nirvana- Milk It

Hey gang.

Yeah, I'm still alive, and hey: bonus news for you guys!! I'm not sleeping out of my car. I'm living with my alcoholic aunt and dumbass cousin. They don't have Internet, but friends do. That's how I'm doing this.
So yes, I'm alive. And I'm not stuck in the cold. I am, however, drunk, and have no further wish to continue this post.

So comment if you want, but it may take some time for me to get back to you. If you want quicker response time, dial the cell. I've only had one reader call it and that makes me sad.
(207)319-5745
Call. And share the love.

love,
josh

True love is a laser designated 1000lb bunker buster. Cos honestly folks, if you love someone enough, you will brave enemy fire, you will brave that fire so that you can deliver an American-made present from god.

To smite one's enemies, or even the enemies of those that you will never meet, is a true sign of love.

And people, believe it or not, I fucking love.
Just not Communists. They can suck the dick of Capitalism and they can like it. Semen=cash. Cash=love. Love=goodness. It's simple mathematics. Fer crissake, you learned this in gradeschool. Maybe not these formulae, but you learned it. Look into your heart. That dark spot...that's not cancer or atrophy. That's hatred. Hatred for Communism.

love,
josh

I'm fucking serious. I could go in and fix Iraq, but I don't want to step on anyone's toes. Plus I figure I'll embarass this country enough when I single-handedly reunite the Korea's into one glorious stinky country(I heard they fertilize their rice paddies with human feces- someone stationed there told me). Think of how badass that'd be??
Oh yeah, I'm playing Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction. That's the part that gets me. I've been to a lot of playgrounds in my day, the most badass of which were in Germany(go figure, they pretty much bring genocide back into vogue, but it's the playground equipment that sets them apart from the rest of the world). I can't quite figure out what a "Playground of Destruction" would entail, though. Would the tire swing be wrapped with rusty barbed wire? Would there be an anti-personel mine at the bottom of the slide? Maybe the merry-go-round would be electrified or something like that. I don't know, having never encountered one, I can't really say for sure. I do know that if I ever do run into one, it's probably going to be located in Bosnia or Vietnam. Maybe even Libya. I'm not really keeping up on world events, so I don't know where it's not safe to go, outside of the Middle East(where it's never been safe to go, not even a million years ago).
Back to the game: I've played a grand total of maybe 20mins, and I already think the game is teh shit. Lazing(the act of applying a laser) a target only to have it hit by an airstrike is something that feels, well it feels good. Especially cos I'm sending the North Koreans back to a hell they've been threatening us with for the past forty years. I'm wrapping up what MacArthur wanted to do. I'm going to take all their kimchee and fire it straight up their little yellow(or is it beige) asses- WITH AN RPG!!!
Kidding, kidding. I'm going to use a stick. WITH A GRENADE ON THE END!!!

You scored as Punk/Rebel. Punk/Rebel 88% Loner 69% Stoner 69% Drama nerd 63% Goth 44% Ghetto gangsta 44% Geek 31% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 13% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

Go figure. The one thing that I think is one of the lamest forms of rebellion known to man, outside of getting pregnant, I end up being. C'mon now, kids. Punk died in '84. Let it go. We're not still dragging classical music around by the fucking noose, dressing up in pantaloons with powdered wigs and shit.
Come to think of it, that'd be pretty goddamn rebellious. Think about it: you would, without a doubt, be the only kid on your block with a ruffled collar and a powdered wig. When you're not trying to act like Beethoven, you could pretend you were one of those English judges. That'd be fun, huh? When you're a punk and you're not being a punk, the only thing you can pretend you are is a homeless person. Or that kid that sat behind in you in study hall that smelled like three month old burritos that had been sitting in the sun the entire time.

I have to go play Prince of Persia: The Warrior Within now. My apetite for slaughtering ethnic groups by the busload must be sated. And if I can't sate it in real life, then digital will have to do.

love,
josh

If the ending to Halo 2 left a nasty sour taste in your craw, go play KOTOR 2. The ending on this one will leave such a taste in your mouth that you'll feel compelled to not only rip out your tounge, but you'll tear out your olefactory glands and most of the parts of your brain responsible for taste.
If you think I'm going overboard with this, you're wrong. There is maybe, maybe a two minute movie of your escape. That's it. There's no resolution, nothing.
Maybe it's cos they're making another game, but I fucking hope not. Don't get me wrong, I like the game and all, but I require endings. Something that lets me know it's done. Shit, for all I know, they could be going to the store or something, picking up some snacks before they go off and really save the galaxy.

On the plus side, I've only unlocked 53 of 62 movies. I'm hoping I don't have to go Dark Side to get the rest of them(I'm going to anyway, but it would piss me off if I had to do it just to get them all. I'm not fucking playing Pokemon.

Dammit. Everything leading up until the so-called "ending" was really, really good. Even when all the manipulations and machinations that were going on behind the scenes are finally revealed. Some shit was left ambigous, but whatever, that's good every now and then. I just wish they'd thrown more of an ending in there instead of just letting us figure out whatever the fuck is happening.

Oh yeah, Mean Girls is pretty fucking funny. And, um, the scenery is great, too.

love,
josh

I got my cell phone turned back on after a couple of weeks of not having it. I didn't really notice how much I liked being in total contact with everyone and everything until I had it turned back on. Now I can't see how I managed to make it without the fucker.

So call me, people. 207-319-5745. No one ever calls me and I'm just wasting minutes, but like, in the negative sense. We'll even play a game. You call me up and make me guess who it is.

Yay!

love,
josh

Yep, four more days and then we get the big boot. And as of now, I have no idea where I'm going to go.

Chelsi has been given a slot at her mother's house, only as long as it's sans me and the dog. I've told her to go with it, sleeping in a warm bed is better than nothing at all, but she seems rather set on staying with me where ever I end up. Which may be a parking lot somewhere...I don't know. I think she should go with it, just cos it's the smart thing to do(not to infer that she's stupid or anything, cos she isn't). I think my grandmother is trying to set up some hints or something about me possibly staying at my parents, but I'm going to wait until the bitter end to drop that question. If I'm going to be let down, I want it to be all at once, with as many other things going wrong as possible. That's the best way to do it.

I'm still very, very frustrated with the whole situation. I can't understand why Jason thinks that kicking me and Chelsi out is going to help his situation. When I can, I give him at least $150 every two weeks(he knew coming into this that I only get paid bi-weekly), which adds up to about $300 a month. Some weeks are tougher, as I've got my fair share of bills to take care of. Sometimes I give him a little less, but he always gets money. Now he's asking us to leave while his parasitic girlfriend gets to stay. What the fuck is up with that? She doesn't do anything but sit in their room on the computer all fucking day, no job, nothing. She doesn't do any housework, 'cept for the dishes every few weeks. Now why let her stay and kick us out? I don't get it.
And it's not cos he likes her, either. At least I don't think...she's irritating, she's mean to the dogs(she makes them stay in her room all day, you can hear her yelling at them for the most mundane of reasons), I could go on about her. She has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I think when we move out...I'm going to tell her everything I think about her, see if I can get her to cry. That might make me feel a little bit better about couch monkey-ing the next couple of weeks(or months, please god no).

But let's get into some happy stuff...

KOTOR 2 is fucking sweet. There's some chunks from the game that I'm not really digging(i.e. the frame skippage, the slow down; all of this happens when massive ammounts of enemies are on the screen), but they're few and far between. For the most part, the pro's of the game far, far, far outweigh the cons. Plus, hello? Jedi?? C'mon. You can turn other party members into Jedi; so far, I've only gotten one of them to come on over, but I think that potentially you can do it to other characters, too. I just haven't put that much into the game. I'm trying to beat it, as I do whenever I play through a game for the first time; I'll do the other sidequest shit the next couple of times I play through. But for now, I just want to save the galaxy. It needs my fucking help now, not after I've found a freighter to take some family of some shitbox world. They can stay there until I'm done. If the galaxy's fucked, there isn't much for them to look forward to, is there? Not that there is now, but still. They've got a chance. So they can hang out in the ghetto and eat cat food while living in a cargo container for a couple more weeks.
Do they even have cats in the Star Wars universe??

love,
josh

I just read on IMDB.com that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are separating.

I can't begin to tell you all how happy this makes me. Do you understand that my chance has finally arrived!

I can finally be with Brad Pitt. Glee.

love,
josh

Whee. So Christmas is over and we all feel just a little bit better about ourselves(maybe), cos we got presents that we totally deserved(maybe). Unless, of course, you're me, in which case your parents spent the bare minimum on gifts, just enough so that you don't think they totally hate you. Which they probably do.
It's not like I'm some freak that needs shitloads of things under the tree on Christmas day to feel validated about something, I just get a little bummed out when all I get is: three pairs of pants, some pj's, some new socks, a bunch of cartridges for my razor, and the Nirvana boxed set(more on that later). I don't know about you guys, but that seems a little lame to me. They couldn't hook me up with the Ren and Stimpy boxed set?? Nope.
Eh. I'm over it. I guess.

I think I'm going to do a big post a little towards the end of the year, a sort of 'Year in Review'. Only it's going to be about things that totally pissed me off, let me down, or impressed the shit out of me. So there's going to be a lot of stuff on there. And yeah, it's going to be mostly video game/movie/music/book/society related. So I guess there's going to be a lot of stuff in there.
Or, I might not even do it. You know how I am. I say I'm going to do something and then I never deliver. I'm good like that.

T-minus 19 days until we have to move out of here and I don't even know where we're going to go yet. I'm behind on everything, bill-wise. My cell phone is off(have to pay them), behind on rent, behind on the car, behind on student loans, behind on credit card payments; I'm pretty much behind on life.

This is depressing and I need to eat. I hope you all had a much better Christmas than I, and perchance the coming new year will bring badassery to those who have been severely lacking it.
Like me.

love,
josh

P.S.- Oh yeah, watched Ghost in the Shell: Innocense last night. Apparently, not only is the retro movement going to the cars in the future, but everything is going to be ambigous to the point of not really meaning shit. Watch the movie. You'll see.

So here I am, all hopped up on caffiene and my own sense of self-worth. It's a great place to be right now.

I did some writing this morning, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Whenever I start to get too deep into my own writing, I start to get these massive feelings of self-doubt and what not. Is what I'm doing good enough? Is this interesting enough dialogue to make people sit through what may or may not be shitty action sequences? Is it snappy enough? Do these people actually give the feeling that they hate each other? The list goes on and on. I've never really felt that I was a good writer. A writer yes, but good, not really all that much. Anyone can sit down and put a bunch of words down, it's not really that hard. But to put good words, therein lies the problem. I suppose you could say this is a self-esteem issue, and I'd be inclined to agree with you, but I think it goes a little deeper than that. Just how deep, I don't know. It's not something I really feel like probing. I just don't think the answer would satisfy me very much; quite the opposite. I think it would make me stop writing forever, and I don't know if that's something I could do.
I write cos I have to. There is some enjoyment that I get out of it, but it's more along the lines of taking a shit or masturbating: I need to do it. I have to get all this shit out of my head cos it aggrivates me to have it in there, cluttering up the other clutter, taking over the thoughts I could have on other subjects and just generally ruining everything. The short and simple answer is that if I don't get it out, I'm pretty sure I'll lose what little of my mind I have left.

I guess really the only option is to just vomit it all out and then clean it up. That's pretty much the writing process, right? Write, edit, revise, rinse, and repeat. I've never really been too big on revision, I feel that the best way to go about it is to go with the original draft. That's the most honest, the most real. The only problem is that it isn't the best, and that's really what I need to strive for, that's what I need to deliver. I just don't know if I can or not...

love,
josh

Current Mood: working
Current Music: Primal Scream- Swastika Eyes