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LiveJournal for Samantha.
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| Saturday, May 24th, 2003 |
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My head is floating away. I'm fucking losing it. I'm fucking losing it. I'm losing it. I'm lost. OhgodIamtrappedinsidetheseblackenedwalls.A Help. |
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I can still smell you taste you feel you. Last night, I was dizzy with love. Today I'm dizzy with sick. Let's change that soon. I feel so horrible. I wish I had someone to take care of me. Make me tea and food. There were so many fucking people, phone calls, doors opening and closing, and voices, that I couldn't even sleep all day after I called into work specifically so I could sleep. Kill me. |
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| Thursday, May 22nd, 2003 |
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I think that there should be a livejournal mood called "assy." I would use that today. I feel assy. Things have been dull. I've been lonely. The one person who I expected to pull through for me didn't, and it's really upset me. Of course, I didn't say anything, because I wouldn't want to make waves. She came to work tonight after we closed and was waving at me through the locked doors. She said "I hope you have a good night," and gave me a hug, telling me she had noticed I'd been feeling down and wanted to cheer me up. Eh... Seth said it best when he told me "I miss you. I'm in a bad mood when I'm not around you." Everything gains colour and emotion when he's around. I can't stop thinking about him, and it's making me anxious to see him again. Precisely three agonizing days. I say agonizing because I work this weekend. Tomorrow, we have another show in Hayward. That ought to be interesting... At work the other night, we saw our janitor kid (someone I go to school with) sitting on a chair waiting for his ride and jacking off with his hand and "parts" concealed beneath his shirt. He's really frightening. He's also been drinking me and Shirley's sodas when we aren't in the break room. My father finally bought groceries today. I got my check. Yeah. And the beat goes on. |
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2003 |
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"I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me." -Humphrey Bogart Yes. |
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Karin was going to hang out with me at 5 or so, so I didn't go to detention. She ditched me. So I'm just sort of sitting here alone...again... Um. I'm in a really bad fucking mood. I was going to dye my hair tonight finally, but I really am not in the mood. There isn't any food in the house, but maybe that's okay. I'm fat enough as it is. It's beverages I'm worried about. But you know that there's a problem when your guardian stops paying for everything; including food. I need to get out of here. I don't feel like practicing. I don't even feel like being awake. I don't feel like working all weekend. I don't want to be alone right now. But you know what, the only person I want around is sleeping in Eau Claire right now. |
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2003 |
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I'm so incredibly exhausted and my head is pounding. It's been another long day. I made many amazing purchases today at Goodwill. I really really miss my boyfriend. I can be as redundant as I want in my journal. I spent last night with him and I never want him to leave. Lyle thinks we should be Socialists. Looks good on paper, baby, doesn't it? |
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| Friday, May 16th, 2003 |
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I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. In general. Did I ever know? Unfortunately, I'll still be here in the morning. I'm sorry for whatever pain or annoyance I've caused any of you by breathing. |
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| Thursday, May 15th, 2003 |
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I feel... boring & unappreciated. I had fun tonight with Amy and Karin. We're a good little group of friends. Practice sucked, I just really wasn't in the mood for it. I've felt horrible all day. I went to walk home, and Drew gave me a ride, which was nice. I want a moped. Who cares? |
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2003 |
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Work makes me feel hopeless. Just knowing I have to go. Especially when people are finally including me in their plans. I never fully woke up today. Beautiful emails from Seth are just making me miss him more lately. For once I want to be selfless and make him feel amazing. For once I want to go out of my way to make him smile...and we all know that Samantha only has self-interest. I miss him so much. Is it stupid that I think about him all of the time? I'm such a moron sometimes. We have a show this Saturday. Show starts at 1 pm. We play at 4:45 pm. It is in Hayward. Come. It's a battle. The prize is $1,000, I hear. Must. Own. Please come to our show and support us. I'll give details when I come home tonight. My phone is broken. Otherwise I'd ask you to call me. |
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2003 |
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I sat there and stared at my Chem homework for ten minutes trying to grasp at any comment that my teacher may have made in regard to what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. All I could see in my head was the little bumble bee that she draws on the board with the word "good" scrawled underneath it, for when we have substitute teachers. I really think I may have some form of ADD. In any event, if I don't pass Chemistry, my life is (literally) over. Someone please help me out here. Seriously. Damn it, Amy and Karin have me listening to silly hipster shit...and I love it. Masturbate. Bed. Life would be so much better if I didn't have school in the morning. |
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Here is where I discuss how truly pathetic I am. All of my friends are at a show in Eau Claire, except for Shirley, who went to a meeting for pom pom sluts. So I'm sitting here alone. I would call Shawn...but things are odd between us (Hi Shawn). I'd call Mike but he never wants to hang out with me. I don't want anyone seeing how disgusting I look right now anyhow. And all I want right now is to be in your arms again. And all I can think about is how I wish that I could be with you almost all of the time (but not literally all of the time, because you would annoy me *doesn't know how to execute the punctuation for an internet "smiley face" in the parentheses situation*). And it's sad because I know you never think that way. Life isn't half bad. I'm going to go work out. Perhaps I'll get up the motivation to do some laundry. On a side note; why the hell do insanely gorgeous guys date butt ugly girls? Why don't they at least date semi-attractive girls such as myself? |
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| Saturday, May 10th, 2003 |
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Best. Night. Ever. Details later. <3 |
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| Friday, May 9th, 2003 |
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It's storming outside. Really storming. With thunder and lightning. The power is out in the bathroom, so I just had to take a shower with a bunch of candles lit. Not that that isn't soothing, but it was far too much like a scene in a movie expressing that "oh-my-god-I'm-so-depressed-and-don't-wa I'm sure school won't help. Neither will anything else. |
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2003 |
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Quiz time. I took the disorder test, just like everyone else.. The part that's scary is when you read the descriptions and say "Oh my god, that's me." It's funny how only two are "moderate" and everything else seems to be unusually high.
Me to the max:  Nerdslut What's your sexual appeal? brought to you by Quizilla Well this is certainly odd:  You are cutting What Self-Mutilation Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Ugh. Indeed:  Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You feel contentment moreso than happiness and your emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where there is rain there is a rainbow and you need to see it more than others. Do something that makes you happy. How Emotional Are You? brought to you by Quizilla They're hipsters, not mods. Me too:  You are the Consummate Hipster. Newbies bow to you, everyone else just stares, as you swagger down the street with "Little Green Bag" stuck in your head. What Kind of Hipster Are You? brought to you by Quizilla I took a nap and I'm tired. I don't want to go to bed alone tonight. |
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Last night was incredible (even if it did stretch until 2 AM. I am irresponsible). I think maybe I need someone around more to hold me while I cry; but if I always had someone around I may not cry as much anyway. Have you ever just been completely obsessed with the way that someone tastes? Is that normal? Shirley is working for me tonight because I was too tired to work. She offered, she's the best. I'm going to lay down and watch The Simpsons. I'll shower when I wake up and maybe accomplish something in my day. theSTART 6/25 Minneapolis, MN Quest Club w/Alkaline Trio, One Man Army Someone needs to take me with them to this show. I am a good time. Maybe love is wonderful instead of scary. I'm still scared of all of that away time. Trust is hard, but trusting myself to be strong and not sulk around for weeks is harder. |
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2003 |
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Kill me. Kthx. |
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| Monday, May 5th, 2003 |
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I think too much. My room is now uncluttered, maybe it will have the same effect on my mind and my heart. Shawn let me drive tonight. I need out. I'm afraid that once I get my own car, I will get inside and just drive away from all of this. Drive down the road with music blaring, and don't stop until this place is a faded memory of a dream. |
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Reow. I'm tired. The show last night went really well. We played a good show, but again, nobody really seemed to care. Naturally, we didn't win the battle, and the band who we all knew would win (even before they played), won. Sometimes it really gets to me that no one seems to care about what my band is doing. Are we not real music because there's a chick singer? Sometimes it's like we'll never make it anywhere anyway. Well there was this one guy who wants us to play with his band, but he had long hair and a goatee so snap judgement tells me they're metal. I sang my new song about my boy. He was there, so it was incredibly embarassing. Oh yeah, by the way, I took my one last day that I get off from school today. I feel like shit and I'm bored. I wish I wasn't sitting around alone. I need a shower. I had a really good time with Karin last night. We talked for so long about everything, and surprisingly enough it really helped. Nothing usually helps when I feel depressed. It was great. I'm also really glad we didn't leave Perkins early last night. Seth was being sweet when he finally got there. My dad is getting me my favourite Lipton chicken noodles. Then I'm going to do laundry and such. Much better than school. However, my dad decided he's going to go in and talk with my principal tomorrow as well. I wonder what he could possibly have to say to him. I miss Seth already. That's the constant thought in the back of my head I guess. Oooo, Angry Beavers is on! |
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2003 |
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I found out today that we are for sure playing the battle of the bands tomorrow in Eau Claire. While this is a good thing, we also suck, and I'm going to probably be more upset than is necessary when we don't even come close to winning. I've been having a lot of issues with my band lately....actually it's more like issues with myself that leak into other areas of my life, including my band. Seth is fucking beautiful. The time that I'm with him is beautiful. "I closed my eyes, and swallowed the notes of another tired love song that just says I wish you'd stay." Anyway. Tonight = girl's night out. I'm pumped. Of all places, we're going to Postle's (also referred to by the losers who think they're hip in going there as "the dance"). I'm going to use it as an opportunity to share my discontempt for the teenage race. Especially slutty girls. My goal is to get in a fight, but no one will fight me because they think I'm really tuff. Guess I can't complain there, since I'm not actually tuff at all. Must be the lip ring. What else? Umm....not much. Go away, find something better to do than waste your time thinking of/reading about me. |
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2003 |
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Work tonight was actually fun. I got to train Shirley in a little. We had fun times. I bought a polaroid camera for about three dollars. I'm going to use it for makeout pictures when Seth gets here. Yes. All in all, it's going to be a good night. These *must* be mine. They are hot, they are in a pack, and they are on sale. |
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LiveJournal for Samantha.
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crazy.
exhausted.
blah.
loved.
bitchy.
apathetic.
frustrated.
restless.
happy.
gloomy.
pessimistic.
anxious.
sore.