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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
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12:11 pm - all your base are belong to chrissie.
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i'm waiting for my mom to be ready so i can go to the post office and then to school for an hour. this whole school three times a week deal is pretty sweet... but i miss regular school, with regular hours, and a more diverse group of kids, and some sort of schedule... weird. i don't miss the uniforms. i mean, if they were like hot little plaid skirts with white button up tops id wear it with knee highs and mary janes or creepers and thatd be sweet. but Notre Dame's is just a tan or navy blue skirt and a grey/white/navy blue polo shirt with the ND logo. LAAAAME. so fuck that, it's nice being able to dress however i wnt. even tho now theres no one to impress there cause all the kids are retards (most of them atleast). well the point is is that theres no one to impress which takes the fun out of getting ready. oh well.
i don't know why im lacking energy. maybe it's cause im lazy. maybe it cause i don't do anything ever so my energy pool is just low... that's sort of why i want to get a job. so i'll be doing more, which might fill the pool up a bit. cause i'm just always tired. i'm tired right now and i slept like 8 1/2 hours. what the fuck is this? ive only been up since 10:30 and its like... 12. that can't be normal. i just dont get hyper anymore. i think im diseased. i always feel sick or tired it fucking blows. im like 17 and i feel like im 75. a sickly 75 year old not those happy bouncy health fitness ones. oh well. i need to go to the doc anyway and get my ankle x-rayed. figures the only place they don't x-ray is the place that keeps hurting. story of my frikken life.
ah. i just feel... i feel like i'm holding stuff in (well chrissie if you feel that way most likely you are you ass). ya well.i don't know. i just need to be more open. im a cancer, i like to hold everything in. the only problem is i do that then act out in bad ways. like fucking a bunch of guys i dont like or freaking out and screaming gibberish at a unsuspecting victim. well. how do i be more open? just do it i guess... but being closed off has become so embedded into my personality... it's just, i don't get my some people (mostly bastards or idiots) can pull me out of my shell so easily while others i trust and love can't, or mi jsut won't let them. or let myself. it's definately retarded. definately. something i want to change about myself.
ahh and then there's the issues with my mom and dad and with me after highschool. what the hell am i going to do? i need to get away from these people. their relationship is so sick and it's rubbing off on me. i know this isn't who i am or what i want to be but i keep acting like my mom! i'm not passive and i don't let people walk all over me EXCEPT if i'm in a relationship with that person. fuck my parents, and fuck these gross habits i picked up from them. i've gotta change or i'm looking at a long sick depressing life. oi. goddamn.
suck on this cock
ahh. fuck all yallz niggaz yo. PEAZ
-dot.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Misfits - TV Casualty
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 26th, 2003
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9:53 pm
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i don't have much to say, but i feel like writing. i just need more excuses not to do my homework. i should tho, i'm getting behind. i'll do it tomorrow at school.
on friday i went to this Bill Viola exhibit at the Ghetty. it was really cool, i really really really really want to go back on shrooms. he slows down these videos he tapes of actors and its just awesome to look at. it looks like a picture but you come back 5 minutes later and their frown has turned to a smile. there's more to it, i just cant explain it. anyway, it was a really good exhibit. the last last time i went to the ghetty i shroomed. they took a long time to kick in, i thought they were bunk at first... and then i was looking at this van gough painting. i dont remember which one it was... but that helped them come on. it was really crazy. i couldnt stop myself from laughing and i thought everyone was looking at me. i suppose a girl with pink hair stairing and laughing at paintings in a museum could attract some attention. oh well. we decided the people seemed too suspicious so we went down stairs... and there were all these statues, and i started tripping out because one of them was scowling at me. or so i thought anyway... and then we left. but the funny thing is, i don't remember how we got back to the car. you have to take a tram or walk down this hill, but i dont remember doing either. i wonder how i kept it together. ahh good memories.
anyway, i really enjoyed this weekend. and today was kind of nice, even tho it was a lazy day. sex is good. and so are strawberries. although we have none. :(
that's Piggy.
no questioning thoughts at the moment. i just watched a lot of TV. i usually hate TV. but i finally saw part of High Fidelity. but John Cusak... Kusac... eh wathever well he's in that movie and he's the best.
well i have a headache so i'll be off. so long
-dot.
current music: Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister
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1:40 am - the biggest picture post known to man
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| Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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6:49 pm - well hot damn!
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jesus it's been forever since i've posted anything. and so much has happened. most recently, i got into a car accident. i rushed into a yellow light and an old lady turned left into me. i wrecked the car... which totally sucks because it was going to go to my brother and then i was going to get his car. oh well. luckily everyone's okay, i just came out with a lot of bruises and some nasty cuts... a little more weary of foguee drivers now. i've been sewing a lot and getting really into photography: digital and actually developing negatives and printing them myself. eventually i'll post some pictures because theres a TON.
now that christmas break is over reality is beginning to set in. the fact that in less than 6 months i'll have graduated highschool (hopefully), and that my life is probably going to change significantly. having more and more self realizations. i'll have thought i understood a concept, until something happens and i realize that i understand nothing. i guess that's the way it goes. i'm just tryng to keep my mind open to everything. everything seems so different. i seem so different to myself. although i think if i felt everything was the same i'd go mad. i do like change... and this constant changing and feeling of instability is actually refreshing.
also, this lack of drugs in my life recently is quite nice... six months ago i think i would have been miserable and craving the feeling that drugs brought me, but i'm actually doing alright. it's easier for me to say no. cutting... well when i'm depressed my mind still wanders there, but i havn't been. so that's good. i'm cleaning up a bit i guess. although this isn't permanent... i'm quite eager to venture back into the world of drugs and madness, i just think i need to get a better grasp on myself and better people, drugs, places... etc. of course this really probably wouldnt be going on without monkey. i dont know where i'd be without him. luckily hes with me. othwerwise who knows what hell hole id have gotten myself into at this point.
alix is turning 18 on thursday. this is too insane for me to understand. i've known her since i was 14. actually, i was on a basketball team with her when we were much younger but we didn't talk much. 18. i mean... i guess it isn't that big of a deal. but i remember when she was turning 16 and we were sad because we felt like we were getting older and we just wanted to stay kids. that was two years ago. it's insane how time works. i have absolutely no concept of it.
"reckanize the dwarves SLUT. cause you can't hide from the deadly eye. HE WHO CANNOT BE NAMED. bring on the young girls and FREE COCAINE. fuck you up and get high! FUCK YOU UP AND GET HIGH! AND YOU STILL WONDER WHY? WHHHHHHHHHHY?"
a little poem i wrote. haha. well i'll be off now. i'm going to try to post more. see ya
-dot.
current music: the dwarves - deadly eye
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| Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
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4:00 pm - oooh yes!
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ah. so i am terribly cracked out right now, so excuse this post.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ahh... talking is difficult. i had an extremely great new years. i love henry, he is... ah i cant say anything. my brain has gone dead. he is great anyway. went to Together As One. i had a lot of fun. god i really just cant talk right now but i havnt posted in so long cause ive been really busy so i figured i should atleast do one, even if it is terrible. ahh so off i go... goodbye i hope all of you had a great new year!
-dot.
current mood:  numb
current music: Cock Sparrer - Droogs Don't Run
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| Friday, December 20th, 2002
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1:56 am
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so today i did a bunch of drugs and fucked a few prostitutes. it ruled! then i went and drove my parents car really fast (even tho i dont have my liscense) completely high out of my mind on enough drugs to send me away for a good part of my underage life! then i went and sucked my fathers dick. damn did it taste good. that was one tastey cock!
today was a great day!
-dot.
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| Wednesday, December 18th, 2002
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1:17 am
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do you ever feel like you're chasing your tail?
you know.. its like you feel good about one thing and another just blows up in your face. and it's funny how friends always seem to sabatoge you. is it on purpose? subconscious? and its funny how i like to sabatoge myself. what is that, why do i do it consistantly? and now that i see the pattern... how do i stop it?
and the past... how do you rectify it when you know you were wrong? all there really is to say is "i'll change", or "i'm sorry" or "i'll never do it again". and what if that isn't good enough?
my hands are cold. i'm very cold and my head is spinning. i'm just terribly confused about a thousand things i can't name. all this preparation, all this action, im usually so lazy. i like that i'm trying not to be lazy. but i'm terrified. and i partly like being terrified, i don't want to get comfortable. i had comfort, and i butchered it. just now everything has to be absoltuley perfect, and i dont trust myself. so i rely on other things... which lead me elsewhere. i just feel like a huge horrible failure. i keep telling myself i'm not, and sometimes i really feel great. and then at times like right now, i just want to give in. when will i realize i'll never have it all my way and life is rough? it just doesn't seem right.
and all these things im asked... theyre true. id never considered it. now i know, and ill try to do it or not... but the thought never reached my mind. i just want to cry but my tears arent justified, theyre selfish. i'm really selfish. and the worst part about it is... i had no idea. and now i know. now every action i take that thought occurs afterward.
i think my sense of reality is really not right. or, just not in touch with the world. im slowly reeling myself into this dimension. im beginning to see how things work. part of me is extremely angry at the world or my mother or whoever for not letting me know that this is how it is supposed to be... and another part looks at myself and wonders why i didnt get it. maybe no one does, maybe no one ever "gets it". maybe theres nothing to get. maybe we're all just floating in our own universes ad if we happen to connect to someone elses thats great. maybe not. it seems like theres one consistent thing among most people. but i dont think im living in it if thats true. im slowly beginning to see it, i think, but i dont know how ready i am to be part of it, and if i ever will be.
ah im done for now. had to get the self pity and loathing out. after all that is what this thing is for. to show the most colorful side of me HAH.
-dot.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Bethoven - 5th Symphony
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| Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
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6:18 pm - oi
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so my life feels pretty packed. friday i saw adaptation. saturday i hung out with henry and we saw atilla and then we we went to this party. i was supposed to go see the bouncing souls and anti-flag with this guy kelvin but i told him to wait till we got to the box office and it sold out.. eep. but the party was okay anyway. and then sunday i was supposed to go to san diego but i wasnt able to sleep all night saturday so i felt too tired and sick to go. and yesterday i went horseback riding with kate and sarah. im so fucking sore aaahhhgggg.. but it was fun. i had a near death experience haha... sarah wanted to ride my horse so we switched, but hers is her aunts horse and mine was just a regular trail horse... so anyone i get on and shes goes "just keep him away from the door he wants to leave" so we're trotting and it was fun and then he starts galloping and im like WOO! yay! and then it starts turning for the door and im like ahhhg... so i slow it down and almost get it to a stop but sarah comes up running behind me and cracks the reigns on her horses neck and mine got spooked and bolted for the door.. i was holding on for dear life. finally i got it to stop AFTER it was out the door... haha that was so scary. and today i took the car out by myself for the first time even tho i wasnt supposed to. so that was cool. that was my weekend. not too exciting, bun fun enough.
so i dont know a lot of old feelings i havnt felt in a long time have been comming up. a big mix of feeling awesome and feeling really bad about certain things. im just ready to leave. so by june ill know if im leaving the country or not. possibly. Japan looks good. my parents dont know. im not going to tell them till im ready to go. if then. im sick of their crap. i think theyre trying to get on my nerves... bleh oh well.
been thinking about art lately. what art is to me... where i want to go with art... my standards... ah i dont know. i dont even really want to write in here right now i just havnt in a while so i decided to.
grr.
-dot.
current mood:  moody
current music: Anti-Nowhere League - Can't Stand Rock 'n' Roll
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 5th, 2002
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3:42 pm
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AH! "Jill" strikes again! rather than replying to the little post i sent to her (little haha) she decided to keep reading my journal and just give me more idiotic replies.
if you think your "part cat" why dont you shit and piss in the godamn litterbox? you gotta get the whole package if you want to be a cat. oh, and dont forget to get yourself nuetered.
-the cat vet
my that's probably the most clever thing i've ever heard. your wit is impeccable! i don't know exactly what it is you have against me, so why dont you just come out and say it instead of making yourself look more like an ass. i bet the "real world" is action packed seeing as you have all this time to keep reading my journal. i dont understand why you take the time if you hate me so much, especially if all you're going to say is something as embarassing as that.
just for grammers sake (because "Jill" is just butchering it) it's 'you're', not your, sweetie. if you're trying to say 'you are' you have to add an apostrophe re. otherwise it's possessive.
more "Jill!" more! i look forward to seeing what reply i get next, it's quite amusing.
have a lovely day!
-dot.
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3:28 pm
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okay. so. im ABOUT TO GO FUCKING INSANE. livejournal is being such an asshole today i just spent like a half an hour posting pictures and it fucking deleted it! not to mention i spent half my day deleteing an entry that it posted 16 times. okay, im going to try this again...
look at this! its pictures of my uncle joes sculptures... incredible.
( LOOK! nuts.. )
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Pink Floyd - Us and Them
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2:45 pm
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so.. i couldnt sleep last night. i just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. i couldnt stop thinking about aliens. so i probably fell alseep around 4. and then i woke up at 10. which i guess isnt so bad 6 hours, but anyway... so when i woke up i went and talked to my mom and told her my business proposition and she agreed. which is exciting. and then we had an hour or so conversation about aliens and god and the catholic church and it was really very pleasent. so my mothers mother thought that we were convicts... the human race that is, and we're on this planet because we're sort of like the mentally ill children of the aliens and they just kind of keep us here and watch us. haha thats an interesting theory.
im not sure what i believe anymore. im having a struggle between morals/spirituality and hedonism. part of me believes in living this life to the fullest and taking grab of what you can and just having a complete blissful crazy mad life. another part of me believes in sitting back and trying to connect on a deeper level with the universe and taking care of others and being completely unselfish. i feel sort of torn between the two. in some ways i totally lean to the first and in other i totally lean to the second. im just not really sure which path to take, or if i even need to choose. maybe my life can just be jumping back and forth from the two. i mean, i'd always be in conflict with myself (like im not already, hah) but it might make for an interesting life. i dont know if it even matter ir if thinking about this is trivial so im just going to move on for now.
so! it turns out my whole mothers family is Rh negative. in your blood i guess you're either Rh positive or Rh negative, and Rh negative isnt an animal blood type.. (im explaining this the best that i can remember, if it's not accurate.. oh well.) so that means that it had to be introduced from an outside source. Rh negative is apparently extremely rare, and my mom thinks that its alien blood. i dont know whether im Rh positive or Rh negative, because i believe my dad is Rh positive.. so i dont know. but my mom also believes that we both have tracking devices in our heads (this must all sound really nuts, but i dont really give a fuck. everybody believes in something nuts whether it be aliens or GOD). she says that she knows this because it beeps sometimes. haha. well, i dont think ive ever heard it beep, but i do get a buzzing in my head quite often. usually on the left side. my mom said it has something to do with the left ear for some reason. if aliens ever did visit me i dont think theyre interested in me at the moment atleast... but i believe theres reasons for that. things that i did. or maybe its just me reasurring myself that i have some sort of control over this for my own comfort, when in reality if aliens really WERE abducting me im sure theres not a goddamn thing i could do about it.
well anyway
last night while i couldnt sleep... i was thinking, and then all of the sudden i heard someone whistleing or humming. it was fucking freaky. it was really really soft, and for some reason when i think back on it i see the color pink in my head. i dont know, maybe im just completely insane. for a while i was pretty positive i was going nuts. i dont really think so anymore, or atleast i only lost half my sanity and i have the rest under control right now haha. so... instead of getting really scared, i decided that it was a fairy. something cool about kind of going insane is that things like aliens and fairies can be very really, because when nothing seems real to you, you can decide what is and what isnt. maybe thats the appeal of drugs. you can create your own reality. ive gotten quite good at it.
last night... i kept thinking of how i wish i were a cat. and then i thought, maybe the aliens made me part cat. why not. its just as possible of it being true as not true... or, actually. the likliness of it is pretty slim... but i say its true. if only one person believes in me i think that makes it true. and i think megan would believe me. so its true then. shes called me her alien friend before. i think for how little she actually sees, she sometimes sees more than most. maybe if you think to much you miss the small underlying things, but being simple you can only see those, even if you cant explain it. maybe im really just splurting out thoughts as they come.
so i got pics of my uncle joes art! id really like to make a website dedicated to him. i need more stuff for it tho. (scupltures, drawings, photos, etc). ahh all i need is a trip to my auntie pheonas(his wife). alright, well im gonna stop writing cause ill just blab on all day long if i dont and i got things to do. later
-dot.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Catch 22 - Hey Sergio
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| Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
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11:42 pm
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i ate too many cookies tonight. it gave me a stomach ache. damn my little brother! damn him to hell! people who ramble about punk are beginning to get on my nerves. i mean, hell, there'll always be a place in my heart for punks, but they are really just beginning to sound repititious and now that i realize the majority of them dont really give a damn either it kind of takes away its meaning, to me. i mean hell theres probably a lot of punks who really do care and believe they can change things and that anarchy means peace and freedom, but i really think most of them are just repeating what they hear without really even thinking about it. but you know, hey, i have to give them this, atleats they believe in something. i dont really believe in anything but myself henry and alix. i remember what it was like one time when everything seemed really big and everything had potential for change. i want to move. i think if i moved to Europe or New York everything would be big and scary again. i think i would enjoy that feeling again.
despite this lack of belief in... well anything, i feel great. im getting along with my family really well, and ive been enjoying that for a few days. but now thats getting boring, and i find myself doing things to get a rise out of them to make it more interesting. i bit my brothers nipple. you should have heard the noise he made, it was like "WOOOahhhOOooOH!" hahaha! i love bugging my family. my mom kept screaming "GOD CHRISSIE YOU'RE SO OBNOXIOUS!" im sure it wont be long before they hate me again hahaha. and then i can make them like me again. fun.
'been watching TAKEN *crowd* "OOOH AAAHHH!!" its decent enough. im pretty sure ive been abducted by aliens before.. haha im not joking seriously. my uncle was all the time. im the most like my uncle in my family. i love him. i miss him a lot. i thought of him last night, it hurt. it physically hurts to think about him, i miss him so much. *sigh* well anyway, i hate doctors, or aliens, or whoever the fucks fault it was that he died. still nobody knows the cause of death. he was the greatest person ive ever known. only one person has ever come close to as great as my uncle was, and i dont think anyone was ever as much like me. my mom always tells me things i do that are just like him and ways we're alike. maybe im obsessed. haha i probably am. oh well, i just loved him very much. i still need to get some of his artwork. i need to pick which one im going to get tattood. thats my biggest honor to him. whenever i get some of his art ill scan them and post them. theyre fucking AMAZING. i really gotta get on that isht yo!
hehehehehe hyperness. i love vitamins! and headaches suck. but vitmanins rule. TAKE YOUR MULTI VITES KIDS! byeee!!
ultra-meow mix 3000
-dot.
current mood: evil >:D
current music: Mindless Self Indulgence- Seven Eleven
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6:07 pm
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im in a terribly good mood. i got my money for my vest today, and the money for the rancid shirt. went to office depot, got new pens, packaging, white out, and new x-acto knife blades! (bwahahahaha) then we went to the band to cash the money orders, and it turns out the one for the rancid shirt is filled out to somebody else! so there goes my ten bucks. im just sending it back and hopefully shell send me another one, but im not counting on it.
had an interesting discussion in government today. everyone is always giddy on wednesdays. andrew pet my head. i really love being pet strangely enough. sometimes i think im part cat. megan calls me ChrissieCat. it's rad :)
i think the reason for all this hyperness and energy is all the vitamins ive been taking lately. They’re doing me well. and i am happy. tomorrow im going to send everyones packages out, and hopefully go to Joe Ann fabrics and buy cloth for the bag im going to make for alix and myself, and maybe some cloth so i can make myself a skirt. yayyy!
she'll say i love you paul..
i love you paul..
OH LOOK IM DOING IT IM RIPPING OFF LYRICS AGAIN QUICK SOMEBODY SEND ME AN IDIOTIC EMAIL TO TELL ME IM BAD!
haha. so stupid. so. today on 89.9 i heard about a new genre... "show core". for those of you who havn't yet heard of "show core", it's supposed to be a fusion of show tunes and new wave. my god, it is true. it really is the end of the world. only at the end of time can such a heinous duo exist. somebody please kill everyone and everything that has to do with this quick before the disease spreads. and although ive yet to hear any "show core" (thank god), there's no doubt in my mind that it will suck beyond belief. im all for people trying to make new genres and new music... but common people. i think id rather listen to psychobilly for the rest of my life before this. whose idea was this anyway?
"hey guys, ive got an idea! Let's take the two most obnoxious types of music EVER and mix them! Won't that be great, guys?!"
"YEA!!"
hahaha horrible. simply horrible. now im going to go eat my ravioli. goodbye.
-dot.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Eels - Not Ready Yet
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| Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002
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8:27 pm
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? Non-Sense ?
?. My Father thinks I am: good
?. My Mother thinks I am: bad
?. My sister thinks I am: void
?. My brothers think I am: nuts
?. My grandma thinks I am: a cunt
?. My Grandpa thinks I am: who knows
?. My girlfriend thinks I am: sexy
?. My best friend thinks I am: who knows
? Yes or No ?
?. You keep a diary? yes
?. You like to cook? no
?. You have a secret? probably but i dont realize it
?. You talk in your sleep? i dont know im sleeping
?. You bite your fingernails? yes
?. You believe in love? yes
? Last ?
?. Movie you rented? ahh jeese... Spinal Tap?
?. Movie you bought? i dont buy movies, karla bought me willow for christmas tho...
?. Song you listened to? Slow Gherkin - For Laura
?. Song that was stuck in your head? the Smiths - Big Mouth Strikes Again
?. Song you've downloaded? i think an animals song
?. CD you listened to? mindless self indulgence
?. Person that's called you? alix
?. Person you were thinking of? henry
? Do ?
?. You wish you could live somewhere else? yes
?. You think about suicide? sometimes
?. You believe in online dating? no
?. You drink? yes
?. You smoke? no
?. You write in cursive or print? print
? Have You ?
?. Ever cried over a boy/girl? yes
?. Ever lied to someone? yes, too much.
?. Ever been in a fist fight? no
?. Ever been arrested? kinda
roar. i miss eem. time is going by so slowly, but really fast at the same time. i feel like im on some never ending drug trip. somma.
-dot.
current mood:  mellow
current music: the walkmen - wake up
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2:27 am - In Response To "Jill"
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I don’t know about other people, I can only speak for myself. For me, Live Journal is like my sketchbook. I write in it to vent and explore myself. If a book of essays explaining who and what I am all about were to be published they would be immensely different than the writings posted here. Here are my ramblings. I don’t even check the grammar or punctuation, and rarely do I reread them. These feelings are rarely the full spectrum of my position and attitudes. My momentary fears, joys, and ideas get let out here so there can be some clearness in my daily mind. That is why I write. I don’t really care if anyone reads it, that is the appeal of an anonymous internet. I suppose the most optimistic reason for posting is the idea that someone may understand these sketches and have advice or feel a friendship connection. But that is the farthest thing from my mind as I write. I write to clear my mind. Since the ramblings are unedited and they can be as silly to me days later just as often as they can hold old thoughts I find to be worthwhile and interesting.
I read others journals to see if the inner thoughts of other people are interesting or connect with mine at all. I always assumed that is why people read my journal.
I got a particularly hateful and personal attack against me from a “Jill” in regards to my journal and it’s contents. I really don’t care if she hates me or finds me pathetic, but when such a vicious attack comes out of nowhere and with no way to respond (as she left no return email) to such a raw and unedited part of myself I find a need to clarify some things.
Jills letter:
the only response i have to your "journal" is wow! it is really sad to see that peopole like you represernt our generation. i mean i dont know you but i certainly can judge you from what i have read...dot. It really sounds like your giving yourself too much credit showing off your art work and your "poems" (by the way, they are lyrics sweety. you, i and the whole world knows it)oh and I really enjoyed the piece on your cutting issue. beleive it or not it is an issue. Maybe you can answer my question since you seem to be so knowledgeable on it, Since when was cutting yourself a stylish trend? you yourself stated it was stylish. Hmmm... maybe you design your "sockmonkey" on your arm. well, isnt that special!This is what you get for havinbg a LIVE JOURNAL ON THE INTERNET
SO THE WHOLE WOLRD CAN FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND TELL YOU HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE! isnt that what you wanted all along sitting on your pompus ass pretending your this major tweaker talking down to the world. If you cut cut yourself soo goddamn much and "hate the world" why dont you just get it over with and stop talking about it???!!!!!!! In conclusion, i think it's time for you to grow up and get in to the real world. It is sad to see people wasting away commenting on how much the world sucks for them. Sweety, the world sucks for everyone!. i feel for ya, i really do but stop dwelling on your insignificant problems and move on like the rest of us! I'm not demanding that you accept my views but this is my opinions...i express it on the internet just like you. Thanx for the idea!
-Jill
I can only hope this is some idiot I know who is too scared to confront me face to face about some most likely imagined “beef” and is doing cowardly bullshit. If it is a stranger… my god, what an ass.
What exactly is she so angry about? She says she’s sad that I represent “our generation”. I didn’t realize that I was a spokesman for our generation. Does she feel like there is an army of people with my outlook and this evil trend needs to be thwarted by stupid letters? It feels like she’s mad at me and this is just a bullshit excuse to bitch. Is she mad at herself? Or what? Is this a friend or acquaintance hiding behind a fake name? I don’t know. But I suppose everybody has the right to pick anyone they want to, then appoint them a “generational spokesman” and then feel sad about their performance. But all that hate makes me think her letter is more about her issues with herself then it is about me. Again, for all who don’t know: this is like my sketchbook and it barely represents me, let alone my generation.
And as for trying to pass off others lyrics as my own, first off, I have never posted a poem. If a song moves me I will write what I the lyrics on my journal. This is my way of showing respect to a song. You may not like my taste, but that’s what I am doing. Once or twice I might have forgotten to put the author (usually if the band is popular, I figure: why bother) but I’m not trying to impress anyone. I never claimed to be the author of any of those lyrics. And since pretty much everyone knew already that it was The Cure (as “Jill” implied) who exactly was I trying to fool? Does she think I spend my days hoping to be worshipped as a great poet (who’s idea of a perfect rhyme is Robert Smith lyrics) by people who would at once like that sort of thing and at the same time never have heard of the Cure? That would be silly and pretentious. You would have to be a fairly big dork to even have a concept like that cross your mind, “Jill”.
For the record, I am not a poet and do not want the world to think I am the creator of the songs of The Cure. (Is this really necessary?)
But who with any intellect would rush to make such an unfounded judgment against me. If I were to engage in a little of “Jill’s” half assed assumptions I would guess her view of the world is clouded perhaps by anger at a pretentious and Cure lyric fronting ex-boyfriend who dumped her. Or maybe she is mad about her own pretentious poetry-faking recent past? I don’t know. Making up people’s life story based on little or no info is her thing. I don’t know what she is obsessing over, but it doest appear to be me.
But she has thrown it on top of and all over my live journal. Perhaps she equates what she is doing to what I do by writing a journal. In that case she is a hypocrite. But perhaps she realizes the distinction: my journal is written to me. Her letter is written to me. I don’t think she gets the subtleties of this somehow.
And let me get this straight: posting my pictures on live journal is me thinking too much of myself? I never said my sketches were the Mona Lisa. It seems like a person who fits “Jills” idea of humble would never show anyone anything they ever did unless it was a masterpiece. Talk about an out-of-whack ego. I’m sorry if in “Jill’s” world showing a drawing is too conceited. Does she loathe herself and never produce or do anything, or does she think she’s a God and all her works are perfect?
Did I go around praising my work up? Praising myself? I don’t think so. I talk about how dumb people are, but so does every comedian on earth. Her letter seems more and more to me to be about her lack of confidence in herself and the insecurity borne from that. I mean what kind of person goes around writing anonymous personal attacks to strangers? Look at yourself. You don’t know me well enough to hate me, whatever it is you hate is in you.
As for cutting being “stylish”. I am not sure if “Jill” understood what I was saying in my “piece” that she “enjoyed”(Am I writing for a newspaper now?). Now, I am sure all of you understand the context of my journal, but one last time let me state: I do not endorse cutting. It is a sign of bad problems if one is cutting. But like any negative thing (smoking, etc.) there are reasons people enjoy it. Some of those resons can be romanticized and I will do that, and talk of it in my journal. It is up to everyone else if they do that or not. I may judge them on their choice in my journal, but I already explained what a journal is to me and what that means. When I spoke of my cuts being “stylish”, I was not speaking of cutting in general, as much as I was saying the cuts I had made were aesthetically pleasing to me. Seeing as I don’t really try to stay with trends or follow them, I could give a rats ass what is trendy or not, let alone brag about it. I would never associate myself or admit to a trend even if by some chance I happened to fall into one.
But hey, “Jill”: Thanks for letting me know that self-mutilation is an “issue”, your compassion and awareness serves as an inspiration to me. Glad to know that you... “care about ya sweetie..I really do”
Why do you care how much I cut myself? Why are you so interested and so angry? Is misinterpreting other peoples live journals into Jerry Springer episodes all your entire uneducated mind can do with them? You create nonexistent drama and watch your fantasy as you are repulsed by it? Is that you in the back row yelling? You want me to go to boot camp? Your view of the world is so small. Your view of me is ridiculous.
At this point in the letter she is SCREAMING about how I use the Live Journal because I want others to feel sorry for me and call me “special”. I don’t remember asking her to read my journal. And the last thing I ever want is for people to feel sorry for me. I vent to get past those emotions and into a healthy space. If I wanted to have people praise me and call me special I would write and draw things very differently.
And why does this mistaken and moronic interpretation of my journal make “Jill” so mad? She wants to see me this way, so she can be vicious about it. What is wrong with her? Wouldn’t it only be a true narcissist who sees another persons’ honest expression as cries for worship and pity while projecting a false personality onto them? I could be wrong here, but I’ll bet $20.00, this more accurately describes “Jill” than her worldview describes me.
Again I don’t think there is anything on the site about me trying to prove to anyone that I am a “major tweeker”. I am not. I use drugs on rare occasions and sometimes to excess. But I never front about how much or how often. I just describe what was going on in my head. No reader of this web page would ever interpret that I am trying to come off as hardcore (except a 13 yr old who herself is trying to be hardcore and knows that such an insult is the worst thing she could hear). The phase of doing drugs to be cool is long over for me. I’m too busy “looking down on everyone” (Who was it that just wrote me a judgmental letter telling me how to live?) to be a major tweeker.
Seriously, I’m not looking down on anybody but you, “Jill”.
Her letter tells me to stop wasting away / whining about how life sucks / cutting myself (because it makes her sad) and I should either kill myself or “get on with life” (like she has), because life sucks for everybody out in “Jill’s” “real world”.
Is this tough love from a moron? Or hatred hiding behind a wall of sanctimonious bullshit? In any case it is a retarded thesis from a prejudiced half-wit with emotional issues of her own coming out of her ears.
Yes “Jill”:
Things are bad in the “real world”. And we all must “get on” with life.
How do you “get on with life”? By sending bitchy letters to strangers. You don’t seem too well adjusted or happy to me. You seem ignorant and bitter. Maybe if you vented in a live journal you might not be such an ass in real life. But that’s not my place, telling strangers how to live is your thing, sorry. Along with sitting around scanning the internet for unmarked Cure lyrics to discover and unmask alleged pretentiousness. Is that how you “get on with life”? Seems to me you are doing quite a bit of whining yourself. Only with much more need to be noticed.
Why don’t you do something with your own life instead of bitching at me about mine?
Stop whining about me, before you tell me to stop whining in my diary about my life to myself.
You don’t know me. You act out like a freak to strangers that you don’t know. And most of your “insights” are asinine and delusional. Was it your Libertarian father who beat you, or an intro to Psychology book that so confused your tiny mind as to what life is all about?
I don’t mourn life. I live it. Living it means being sad sometimes. Being happy sometimes. Being conceited sometimes. Being insecure. Being self-abusive sometimes. I recognize these things so that I can own them, get better and experience the whole process of being alive. I deal with them in private. Sometimes in too much privacy.
As to not be a self-inflated angry bore (hint) I put these things down in my diary (instead of letters to strangers whose life I voyeuristically obsess over). But in order to let things out I do write them in a public place. Only an angry self-hating fool would try to ignore the bad in life. And only a simple judgmental ass would judge another persons attempt to address the bad in a journal as a full portrait of that person’s life. But given the silly things you have “discovered” about me from your “reading” of my journal, I suppose I should expect such ignorance misunderstood as insight from you.
I could go on explaining all you misunderstand about me and how journals and diaries work. But you are too dumb to get it. If you are so tired of my cutting and whining stop reading, ass.
Do you really want to get into a discussion about who I am? Believe me I would know better than you. I ‘ll win it. I understand and dislike the stereotypes that you are trying to shove onto me as much as you claim to. I know attention getting, snobby, whiney bitches of all types, including you and they do suck. You are just so fucking ignorant as to think you are above it, while proving to be all you say you hate.. So I could waste more of my time explaining why I am not what you think I am, but with all that obsessive reading of my rants if you don’t have the reading and comprehension skills what could I do. I wont discuss and explain the obvious in myself more than I have already simply because some anonymous bitch with a 20 IQ thinks I’m sad and yells at me. I really have been trying because I do care and want to be clear, but your lack of sense is obscene.
If you really cared, you’d try being nice and asking questions to gain the insight and understanding that any observer could see you sorely lack about what fuels my life and myself. But it is easier for a moron to make an idiotic judgment and simply repeat it with mind closed.
In my journal I vent for myself. You masochistically read it, then get overly upset and write attacking letters that show no ability to see or comprehend anything that I do in its true spirit while pretending to be compassionate. How clever! How wise! You really are a straight shooter who tells it like it is. You cut through the bullshit and show me what I am all about. You are deep. How old are you? You are a 16-year-old girl or some weird 40-year-old porno internet freak. Either way you don’t know shit. I may be only 17, but I know enough to know I don’t know everything, and that helps me to see more of life then you ever will. Who or what are you? A gross and cowardly name-caller who is obviously obsessed enough with me to read my journal often and write me about it, arrogant enough to think you know me even though your interpretations of my writing shows you to be sorely lacking in comprehension or analysis. Pompous enough to think you know the right way to live and to feel intense hatred at those who do things you don’t understand, but a coward who hides behind anonymity, poorly thought out letters, and unhappy enough with your own life to take the time out of your day to do this.
Sorry to let you know this but I am happy, happier than you. I am happy and life is just what I want it to be: a sometimes wonderful and sometimes horrible mess. And when it gets crazy inside me, I vent to myself online. It may be mistaken by an idiot like you as the petty ramblings of a Goth with a self-loathing complex and you can try to attack me by exploiting those fictional issues, but you are wrong. I’m just pissed someone as stupid as you would dare take me on even in such a cowardly way and a little annoyed that people are that dumb. You too simple, dude. But even if I were a self-loathing thing (and I’ve passed through that phase once), it’s a hell of a lot better than being whatever wretched thing you are.
You are a shame filled insecure fake who has decided to lash out at me. Why? If it were because you cared you would not use such a cunty tone. If I had the problems you assume and you did write such a hard letter I might have killed myself, so you don’t really care about me. You don’t like what I stand for, but you are too stupid and vain to even see or ask me what I stand for. You are pissed at what you invented me as standing for. (So pissed about it that you wrote me) and what creature did you invent: a vain, attention seeking and self-pitying Goth poseur. Out of 100 people that actually know me only one of those five adjectives would ever cross any of their lips in describing who I am. So if you were so clouded with an idea that you couldn’t see me for what I really am, where did this character come from? Is it you? Is it who you wish you were? Someone you’re afraid you are? An ex? An article you read once in teen people? Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me. If an intelligent person has a comment about how to change my lifestyle I will think on it. You are lucky I cared enough to be offended and hurt, as it’s more then you deserve. You are just a silly little name-calling terd in love with her own severely-lacking cleverness.
What are you really tripping on? Who cares?
Not me.
Meanwhile, Ill be cutting myself , tweeking majorly, looking down on everyone, and trying to convince everyone that I am Robert Smith while smoking crack and complaining (but secretly wanting everyone to feel sorry for me and call my art special) about how bad life is!
You loser.
-dot
P.S. This was me venting my healthy anger at a rude message. Something you don’t understand. Now I no longer care at all about you or anything you have to say. Seeing your pattern of interpretation I expect you to run off believing that I am now upset, since as you know, everything I write is a crystal clear picture of how I act and feel ALL THE TIME. I’m sure I’ll get a silly response featuring a blatant copying of whatever you feel were methods of attack I used in this letter that you feel hurt you and sarcastic quotes of mine taken out of context. I can’t wait. As I said I am done with this stupidity, and you won’t get any more of a response out of me. Either you feel stupid and will change by now, or you never will. In any case I am done with you.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Sonic Youth - Little Trouble Girl
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| Sunday, December 1st, 2002
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9:05 pm
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so rolf played me the movie Brazil today, and i had to write haikus for world lit, and because Brazil was on my mind, i wrote this one
Dreams are life support
In a bleak depressing world
Believe in something
yes its not good. but its better than the other ones i wrote haha. oh well. goodbye
-dot.
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7:32 pm
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Yes I know who you remind me of
A girl I think I used to know
Yes I'd see her when the day got colder
On those days when it felt like snow
You know I even think that she stared like you
She used to just stand there and stare
And roll her eyes right up to heaven
And make like I just wasn't there
And she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name
And sometimes we would spend the night
Just rolling about on a floor
And I remember
Even though it felt soft at the time
I always used to wake up sore
You know I even think that she smiled like you
She used to just stand there and smile
And her eyes would go all sort of far away
And stay like that for quite a while
And I remember she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling
Again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But I never even caught her name
Yes I sometimes even tried to catch her
But I never even caught her name
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6:59 pm
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it's very cold and im nervous. my dad is yelling at my brother. luckily he'll be leaving soon. not that i want him to, its just id rather there not be any conflict. my weekend was odd enough. im very confused. i dont think i should be confused it all seems simple enough but anyway, i am. i dont know how much ill be using this LJ anymore. too many people i dont want reading it do.. so im in the process of finding a new one. if any of you have LJ codes itd be much appreciated.
alix made me a great mix tape. im listening to it right now.
well i have nothing left to say. so im going to go. goodbye.
-dot.
current mood: cold
current music: the vibrators - baby, baby, baby
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| Saturday, November 30th, 2002
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11:51 am
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so my life has been really looking up lately. like, a lot. i still dont know what the hell is real, i feel like im on drugs, but im not wanting to die. so YEEFUCKINGHAW!
ive been having some weird motherfucking dreams lately. the ones i had last night:
i was in a rollerblading gang with Henry Rollins at Venice Beach. this actually has been a reoccuring dream of mine, it just picks up where the last left off. well anyway, in this one everyone kept leaving the gang, and mr Rollins said that i was cute but i had no talent. so i told him to fuck off. haha man i hate that guy.
then i had a dream that a monster was chewing on my foot. haha. i sleep with my whole body under the covers (head and everything) a lot, but i had one foot sticking out last night and for some reason i dreamed there was a monster chewing on it. so i woke up and my foot was sticking out. lol. i like that dream
then a night or so ago i had the most insane dream ive ever had in my life. im not going to tell it in great detail because i have to get ready to go, but heres the jist:
it was like watching a movie about these two punk kids. one was a boy, who was sort of insane and a bad ass and the other was a girl who was not really that crazy and was more pretending to be. anyway so in the dream the kids just go around pissing people off, and they piss this older woman off by doing a nazi march thing and then when confronted the girl is just a snotty smart ass and tries to say that wasnt what she was doing (she said it a lot like i would, she actually was a lot like me, couldve been me im not so sure yet) and the old lady gave them a religous warning or something. so then theyre at a house and the girl is standing outside by herself and some anti-nazi dude comes and starts giving her a hard time like hes gonna beat her. so her friend comes out with a gun and doesnt say anything just lifts it up, and she gets realeaved, and then he shoots himself in the head. i dont know if this was on purpose or not. in the dream it seemed he was holding it the wrong way. i think he meant to shoot the guy but he shot himself in the head by accident. so the girl starts screaming... and the guy starts beating the hell out of her, just totally wailing on her. and the screaming in my head was so loud and clear. then a bunch of guys came and they all started wailing on her and her screams got more desperate and then they started raping her and she was just screaming and crying so loud and i could see and hear it all so perfectly. it was fucking awful. and then i woke up, and i was like "holy shit". it was really traumatizing. and everytime i closed my eyes i could hear her screaming. it was fucking nuts. well ill get into what i think it meant later, ive got to go. see ya
-dot.
current mood:  busy
current music: the talking heads - wild wild life
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| Thursday, November 28th, 2002
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11:07 pm
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i did nothing again tonight. im beginning not to mind it. im getting really into music. stuff i usually dont listen to. all this staying at home is just going to make me even more of a music nerd.
drove again today. kicked ass. went 50 miles per hour. that was exciting. im thinking my dec 15 goal might actually be made sooner or ill actually pass.
buffy the vampire slayer made me cry today. in it her mom died. and this girl who i guess is like immortal or something kept asking them all thse really stupid questions like "are we gonna see the body?" "are they gonna cut her open?" and the edhead screamed at her "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING THESE AWFUL QUESTIONS! STOP!" and so she just goes "i dont understand! xander was crying and he wont talk to me and i was drinking fruit juice and then i thought Joyce will never drink fruit juice ever again or eat eggs or yawn or brush her hair and i dont understand how she can be there and then just leave her body its so stupid and mortal and no one will tell me whats going on and i dont understand!" and she started crying. and when she said she wouldnt ever yawn again.. thats when i started crying. i guess its because, i dont know thats just one of things you never really think about. yawning. and its so simple.. and that no one will ever see her yawn again and she cant physically yawn... im not sure why but that was really sad for me. i get that. it hard to understand hwo theyre there and then... not. it was really sad.
ive had a sicky day. ive felt kind of sick and weak all day long. i almost passed out at thanksgiving dinner. i just got extremely dizzy and i felt like how i do sometimes when i stand up too long and the blood pools in my legs. except.. i was sitting. and that usually goes away when im sitting. so i left the table pretty abruptly and lied down on the couch and fell asleep. and when i woke up my brother was asleep on the floor by the couch.
it was strange being with my family. we've all grown up so much. and the weirdest thing is it seems like they consider me the smartest person at the table. well i dont know that for a fact, and thats pretty bold of me to say, but they act like it. my brother has been talking to one of my old best friends from 8th grade kaycee online now i guess, and so my mom asked me if i had been talking to her lately. and i said "no we really have nothing in common." and my mom goes, "yea you're too smart for her. you liek smart things." and david, whos 20 haha, just looked at her like "hey common". smart things eh? haha like what? now im really confused as to how they see me. i thought they thought i was this really bad drug kid a while ago and apparently they dont see me that way. i dont know much about hinduism but i do know a little and a lot more than my family does so they kept bringing up karma and i tried to explain how karma is really used incorectly a lot by people and i actually explained it really well, and they all seemed impressed. for some reason i can be absolutely incredbile, my best, around my family. probably because i dont care how they see me. they were talking about crap like concerts and how its damaging to your ears and i just started talking to myself and i thought no one was listening so i was saying something like
"ya so this one time
i was at this led zeppelin concert
and it was so fucking loud
it just like, blew out my goddamn ear drums"
and my dad screamed out WHAAAATTTT??!!?!? (apparently he was listening).
id like to do something tomorrow. you know, after knowing who reads my LJ i almost dont want to write anything personal in here anymore. i mean, i will, because i hate most of you anyway and even if you do know my personal thoughts i dont fucking care. but, im considering getting a different LJ name or something because too many people know. well its my own goddamn fault. im the one who put the link in my AIM profile.
*retard*
oh well.
pumpkin pie will be the death of me.
-dot.
current music: the flaming lips tape todd made for me
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