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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2002.07.11  00.32 Yay for playing with Nate and his friend Tyler today!! Yay for playing pool and bumming a smoke off a hot chick! Yay for Wendy's Frostys! Yay for a new tooth brush! Boo for my ankle hating me! (my bad for not using the crutches) boo for not having a car so I can't make random trips to see friends and go fun places! Yay for Nate's Hott Truck! Yay for seeing Mommy Marion today! Boo for Rissa's boot! Yay for seeing Ian this weekend (even if he did sleep through most of the visit)!! Yay for being called a guy!! (Waitress at Fridays: "Hello Gentlemen! what can I get for you?") Boo for not finding my pills! Boo for not knowing who my body will react to Vioxx! Yay for bedtime!!

	2002.07.10  13.56 Disorder Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: Moderate Antisocial: Low Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Low -- Click Here To Take The Test --

	2002.07.09  23.59 I don't feel very well right now. Kinda sick to my stomach. Nothing a night of sleep can't handle right? So I definitely have a new addiction. A bad one. I am addicted to shopping. Sad huh? Funny thing is I hate the mall. I owe the asshole about $500 and I don't have it. Nor will I have it um....probably ever. umm shit. Still on the search for a loving or at least caring significant other. Any takers? Or anyone wanna play matchmaker? I hate being set up but I am going on 5 years since I had more than a one week relationship. and I think the feeling of not being wanted is a huge factor into my depression. So lets fix that ok? Oh who left me a post saying "I love you darlin'" cause I think I know but I'm not sure. So please let me know I hate secrets and surprises. Thanks. Good night.

	2002.07.09  18.43 I'm very sick of certain people....

	2002.07.08  23.44 PAST: First grade teacher's name: God I can't remember! Mrs Lanley I think. Last word you said: great! Last song you sang:Bluest Eyes in Texas PRESENT: What's in your cd player: The Wonder Years soundtrack What color socks are you wearing:I don't normally wear socks cause all I wear is reefs but I have a open toe sock on underneath my air cast. What's under your bed: Andrea What time did you wake up today: 9:47 FUTURE: Where do you want to go: Amherst to see everyone out there. Where are you going to live: Boston Area maybe How many kids do you want: 3 What kind of car will you have: a F150 King Rancher CURRENT: Current mood:1/2 and 1/2 I am ok but not Current music: whatever the hell WQRI is playing. Current taste: Iced Tea Current hair: Brown with a tint of red and violet Current clothes: brown shirt and khaki shorts Current annoyance: people, me, pain in my ankle Current smell: random incense that I didn't burn Current longing: I need to get the fuck out of here.(yeah) Current desktop picture: Black and White photo of fishnet covered legs Current book:Tuesdays With Morrie, Find Me, and The Magical Personality Color of toenails: Toenail colored?? Current crush: That's my secret. I'm not that girl.. Current hate: my messyness You: What does your (nick)name mean?:Audi? is just a nick name. How old are you mentally (as in are you mature?): depends on the day but normally about 24 Describe yourself in 5 words: Thankful for my loving friends.. What are your worst qualities: Messy, depression, jealousy, lack of motivation Sleep: Do you dream at night?: I think so.yeah most of the time Do you remember your dreams?: like once or twice a week but not detailed What time do you wake up on weekends?: 11 Do you sleep with one pillow or two?: one normal one, one body pillow and my stuffed dog, Pounder School: Do you like school?: yeah but not the crap work. Why/why not?: cause I am lazy and I find it unimportant What's your fave subject?: directing Most hated subject?: EXPO Do you have a fave teacher?: in High school it was Sophi the theater teacher and in college it's been any of the theater depot and Garrett Berman. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yes. Sophi Friends: Do you have heaps of friends?: Uh yeah. Do you have a best friend?: I have lots of best friends. Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: I'd say it's like 2:3. Do you ever get annoyed at any friend?: oh of course. Have you ever lied to a friend?: Yes Have you ever stolen a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope. Family: Do you like your parents?: sometimes Ever run away from home?: Yes Ever thought about it?: Yes Do you have any siblings?: Courtney Do you feel your parents spoil you?: sometimes for the wrong reasons Do you not get along with any of your family? we don't exactly understand each other most of the time. Do you have big family get togethers ever?: um...not really. We used to on thanksgiving and July 4th and Easter but not anymore Relationships: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no How long have you been together?: N/A Ever done something stupid to them?: N/A Have you ever experienced unrequited love?: yes Do you find it romantic or hurtful?: romantic. Morals: Stolen?: oh yeah Shoplifted? yep Gotten into a fight?: yep Are you more innocent or guilty?: innocent Have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict?: yes Are you racist?: no Are you discriminatory to anyone?: no Do you have an open or closed mind to other people's beliefs and feelings?: Open Music: What's your fave style of music?: most everything Do you play an instrument? piano and guitar Do you sing?: yes What's your fave band?: I don't have a favorite band Why?: because I am indecisive Name 3 CDs that you've bought in the last month: Teddy Goldstien and 2 Andrew Kerr Why did you buy them?: I saw them open for Melissa Ferrick and loved them Are you funny or serious?: both Creative or not?: kinda Outgoing or Shy?: Outgoing. Are you lazy or active?: Active and lazy in different ways Are you a naturally hyperactive person?: nope Looks: Are you happy with the way you look?: hell no. What would you change: weight and skin Do you wear makeup regularly?: no Do you have a large wardrobe?: yea Embarrassing moments:... Your all time most embarrassing moment?: oh man.. too many. Ever snorted a drink out your nose?: no thank whoever Ever embarrassed yourself and pretended nothing happened?: Hell yeah. Ever tripped in front of someone you liked?: Yep. Ever said something really stupid?: all the time Ever fallen off a bed?: yup even the top bunk Ever sleepwalked?: yes Ever sleeptalked?: yes Memories: What's your best memory?: way to many to say Worst?: Too many Do you have a good memory?: Seeing Jeff show up with Les and Daneille

	2002.07.08  23.09 Hillary Swank is amazing! I just watch Boys Don't Cry. So hard to watch but at the same time beautiful because of who Brandon and Lona were and amazing because of the cinematography. I was just talking to someone about the first time I saw Boys Don't Cry. I didn't react through the whole movie then when the credits started to role I exploded. I threw myself into the fetal potion and started bawling and hyperventilating screaming and cry. I couldn't move for 20 min. then my friend had to drive me around for and hour and a half after to calm me down enough to go home. God that night was horrific. I remember I was all set to come out to my sister. I was totally pumped because after seeing that movie I was so mad and so ready to fight but my sister wasn't home. She ad gone back to her apartment again. I was so pissed. on the other hand yay fir meeting new people and having really good conversations with them and having them understand me. YAY!! Thanks Amy.

	2002.07.08  18.40 So I finally went to the doctor today. Turns out I probably have sever tendonitis in my left ankle/foot so stay on the crutches and drugs and now add 2 trips to the PT a week. Yes because I HAVE time for all of this right? NO!!! grrr... Jeff's dog had to be put down today. Princess. She was such an awesome dog. I am really sad about it and I wish I could be with the Dunn's just at least to give them all a hug. I would be a mess if it were my dog. And I know the pets are just as much a part of their family as my pets are to my family. It so sad. I cleaned! A little bit. But the motivation behind cleaning wasn't because I live in a pig sty but because I lost my Celexa. NOT GOOD! I need to get more or my life is going to go to shit again. I found a really cool book the other day. I'm a few chapters into it. It's called The Magical Personality. It helps you identify or strengths and weaknesses and helps you explore your self via your personality.

	2002.06.29  00.53 "It was love love love that broke our hearts, it was love love love that drove us nuts, yes it was love love love that kept us up all night!"

	2002.06.09  20.16 I haven't posted in a long time. There is so much that I didn't talk about. So many amazing things. So many amazing people. I spent the weekend half in Bristol and half in Boston with two amazing boys. They are wicked cute and they both make me very happy. Speaking of people that make me happy, I ran into Nate at Boston Pride. I called him tonight to see if he wanted to play but he's at work. He told me to post and because I am a follower, I am. But that is not why I am posting what I am about too....I am so amazed with him. In the infatuated/amazed sense of the word. Nate make me feel like nothing can go wrong. I get like a giddy fucking school girl when I know I am gonna see him or after he calls. He is just simply one of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever met. You know when you just click. I am so happy that we are friends. He has helped me through very scary nights and made me smile on so many occasions. I love his spontaneity, his charisma, I know I could go on forever but I know my feelings and there is no need to kill the subject. But he is so fantabulos. Back to boston pride. My mother was in it again. But I got there late and missed her. Oh well Fred and Jeff and I spent the night at my house and she terrorized us there. She loved the boys. But then who doesn't? I was looking at Trucks last night online. I want a F-150 King Ranch, or a 2002 SVT F-150 Lighting! Hot fucking trucks!Grr....i'll never have a car.

	2002.05.01  19.26 I just played with a bunch of kids from Lucy's Hearth. I'm not really sure what that place is but they live there. I think it's a home for battered women. The kids were so cute! So much fun! There was a 3 or 4 year old named Paula who didn't really speak much English. I wanted to steel her. She was so so cute! I miss kids. I miss my nursery and I miss child lab. I wish I had a job like that around here. But then I don't have time for a car to get to it. I wonder St micheals or any of the churches in town need day care help for Sundays.

	2002.05.01  00.12 So I need a new book. I figure if I can't sleep at night why not read yeah? so I read all of Girl, Interrupted in like 3 hours. Now I need a new one. I went to Borders today but I didn't find anything. I want a soul searching identity journey type of book. I read SBB, She's Come Undone, and now Girl, Interrupted. So what next? Any good ideas?

	2002.04.24  01.07 Long & Short The long and short of it is, the short is missing is gone, has failed, has stopped, has cut, was stripped, stabbed, soaked...... Now it's sour, spoiled, Useless. Useless is the long, is the extended has the power was drained The short and long are gone, were twisted- where pieced together, like a puzzle like a map Torn Sent Coeded Sealed The long and short of it is.... Shhh... Stop.

	2002.04.22  03.25 We talked about nothing and we talked about everything. Thank you girls. I really needed that.

	2002.04.21  15.03 Why is it that every time I talk to him I wanna cry?

	2002.04.20  23.41 So I went to an RI RA conference today. It was part of our RA spring training. I finally got to spend some actual time with some of my staff members. Its no ones fault because I am the new kid but I don't feel like I am hardcore friends with staff like the rest of bayside is. I mean Dreds and Rose an d Jenn and Kendra hang out in each others apartments when their on duty and I'm just like see ya in two hours. I remember last year when I didn't even know anything about Dreds I had a crush on him. I think he's so good looking and he fucking cracks me up. I am so glad I got to actually spend the day with him and Jenn. They are people I really want to be good friends with. I love that Dreds feels comfortable enough to throws his arms around me or jump me because you know I am a very touchy freely person. I needed that really badly today. And he stepped in and took care of me even though I highly doubt that he knew he was doing it. I wish we were gonna be on the same staff next year but he wants cedar and there is no way I am going to cedar. I mean if they place me there I won't fight but it's not top choice. Jenn is so fun too. She is really cute and she has a calming fun loving sense about her. But spending time with these guys makes me miss my other friends a lot. See when you don't go to classes for a week and you hide in your bed, you tend to miss out on seeing your friends too. Tim stopped by today, to pick up the barn keys, (boo no more barn keys) and I wanted him to stay so badly. I haven't spent any real time with him this entire semester. I don't even want to think about him leaving. And since I told Riss everything I did we seem to be a bit distant. I don't think it's anyone fault it just happened which sucks. Britta came over last night which ROCKED cause I love when people just stop by. We talked and played with play dough and she came on roam with me. I just need to be fixed (no not like that) and everything will be better. Right?

	2002.04.17  00.24 I have fucking Shakira stuck in my head! All I can hear is the hot bitch singing "Underneath your clothes theres an endless story!" how not fair is that? I went to Colt State for a little bit today. It was wicked nice out! To bad I had meetings and bullshit all day! Despite the fact that I had one indoor obligation after another I had a fairly good day. I went to Colt, where the kids played Twister and we got to watch a dude go down on some chick in their car, I got through Mocks safely, I was distracted from my own feelings all day, and best of all I finally got to see my Nate! I got lots of badly needed wonderful Nate hugs! We played Monopoly and watched TV and talked. I am on duty so we couldn't go out anywhere. Which sucks because I really would have liked to go out somewhere like he wanted to play mini golf. I love that stuff. Getting off campus for anything makes me happy. And then when it's with such a beautiful boi who wouldn't be happy? I have been so stressy lately. Every little thing has just made me step a little closer to the edge. Heidi knows somethings up with me. I don't know how but it's really nice to know that some of central staff is really caring and knows when someone needs a few kinda words or just to lend a shoulder. I am more than a little concerned about myself. I am such a slacker and it's killing me. I mean I am so far behind in like 4 out of 5 of my classes, I have written 1 our of six papers for Expo, I haven't taken either test in aesthetics, I don't go to classes anymore. I don't do anything. I have been shirking all my responsibilities. And I feel guilty and scared and stupid but I just don't have the motivation to pull myself up again. I never fucking learn! I have taken Expo 3 times now and I never do the work and that's the only reason I never pass the class. You would think I would learn from my mistakes but instead I just get lazier and lazier. How do I pull myself back up? I have been doing this for years but it's gonna be really expensive if I have to stay here for an extra year.

	2002.04.16  01.28 Big Scary Audition tomorrow with like 5 important people watching and 2 monologues and a song! Wicked scared!! and I don't feel good! My throat is fucked up hardcore. It hurts so much!

	2002.04.15  01.55 I wanna cry and I don't know why. I feel so lonely. So I guess it should be I wanna cry because I feel so lonely and I don't know why. I am surrounded by people that love and care about me but I am still so so lonely. I found myself poking friends and leaning on them and being overly touchy to the point where I know it's got to be annoying and so I would restrain myself but that sucks. It just shows me how dependent on physical love I really am. I don't mind it but it's not like I have a lack of it. I am so afraid that I am going to push away my friends because I am so clingy. But when I find someone I can be that comfortable with I latch on because it means the world to me. And I know my limits most of the time but sometimes I can't help it or I just get so lonely for god knows what reason and I honestly need it. Like the only thing that would help is to be held. I just don't understand why I get so severely lonely. I mean I just left a gathering of so many friends at G's house and even there I feel like I don't even know....I can't explain it. like if I wasn't there it wouldn't matter. and I know that's not the truth. I know it's not but for some fucked up reason my head twists it and it's not fair to my friends to even think that because I know it's not true but some how my mind still lets me feel that way. I don't know what else I can do to help myself. It seems like the more shit going on in my life be it work, shows, classes, duty, meetings or relationship issues the worse off my mental stability is. I get so lonely and when I get lonely I get touchy and scared and paranoid and weepy and I scare myself because "stupid stuff" thoughts enter my head and I can normally dismiss them but a few means of safe release but what happens when I can't? am I back in the same place I was last semester?

	2002.04.12  00.19 My lip hurts. I got it pierced yesterday. I love it but it hurts. and I am afraid it's doing bad things.

	2002.04.07  01.22 Don't call me your butch anymore. It hurts to much.I'm not just talking about a nickname. Don't be surprised when I get upset when you talk about him, I fell the same way about you. You know how hard it is. You also know how hard it is too let these things out. Don't tell me I'm am a hypocrite for say don't tell him. As much as this is simaler is very very different. Maybe this letter won't even get to you. Maybe I'll delete it.Hell I just told you something are better left unsaid. Like you, I don't know what else to do. I get jealous when you dance with other people, I get scared when you get sick, I get nervous for you whenever you have a challenge to face, I think your beautiful even when you are at your worst. I love you and I'll always be there for you and you'll always be my chica but I can't be your butch anymore. It hurts way to much. I'm sorry.

	2002.04.05  01.19 The shows (that I hate) went really well tonight. I guess that's a good thing. The audience laughed a lot. I got that fucking line right. Emmie (ms wonderful and super cute) covered Fred's ass beautifully. I went through advisement today. I am angry at this school! they make me do so many things that I don't want to do and fuck me over! I have to take 19 credits next semester and that's 7 classes. GRRR!! I'm taking: Science CORE Evolution of Musical Style Basic Musicianship Guitar Lessons ll Contemporary Drama Musical Theater Workshop Acting Studio Great classes but way too much!! Scared Audi!

	2002.04.03  03.12 I just watched the cutest movie ever! Its called "Broken Hearts Club" oh so super cute with lots of gay boys! but it made me lonely! and it made me realize that I am still a newbie. I hate that! Why can't I have a relationship. I want a serious one but I'll take just about anything at this point except mindless hook ups. I hate my body. I hate my weight and how it makes me look. I am such a lazy fuck and I hate it! I eat way to much of all the wrong things. I eat like a million times a day. Little things here and there and sometimes not so little things a lot. I never exercise and I have tried to diet but I have no will power what so ever. I want to be thin. hell I don't even want like society's thin I want like a size 12. I would kill to be a size 12. I had to find a costume tonight for Bethany's show and everything I tried on was too small and with every dress I got the "damn your fat" look from her. Do you know how embarrassing that is? I think I am at my heaviest point right now and it's not like being fat is anything new...I have always been heavy. Since like 5 years old. I remember in 4th grade I weighed like 80 lbs. My freshman year of college roommate weighed 85 lbs at 19 years old. I'm not saying that's healthy but Jesus we are not much different in height. I need to loose the weighs. It's why my joints hurt it's why my knee is fucked up (kinda). I can never find clothes to fit. Clubs are embarrassing. I never get a date. It's the reason I don't get good parts or romantic parts in shows. I was tormented all through grade school, I need to change. I need to make a BIG change. But I don't know how.

	2002.04.02  01.31 I wanna be some ones butch! I wanna be some ones butch but I am not always the more butch of the two. I wanna be someones something.....really badly. I have amazing friends who I love with all my heart and soul but there is something missing...something that only a relationship (as petty as they maybe sometimes) can fill. Riss and I where trying to come up with a nick name for each other tonight and that's where all of this came from....she called me her butch. I do love having nicknames and although she doesn't know it yet (she will when she reads this Hi hun!) I think her nick name is gonna be chica because a lot of my friends will talk about girls in there life that are more than just a friend or are a very close constant friend and when it's not someone I know they call them their chica, Riss is defiantly my chica. She is my girl. She is such a wonderful person. I wish I could give her everything she ever wanted and make her happy. Make the tears go away like she tried to do for me. She is and will always be my chica. So there she's got her nick name.

	2002.03.31  01.25 Time for a happy list! I'm not really depressed or anything I just have a lot to be happy about right now and I want to remember them. My father asking me about the difference between lesbian and gay, blowing/dying easter eggs with friends, winning 4 car races, my new dialect monologue book and tape, Robs huge amount of cuteness!, Jeff's smile, Tye-dye paper towels, glow in the dark paint, being an old lady at stop and shop by using the larks, puppies at the physical therapy place, barnes and noble attatched to starbucks, gay comic books, ET in the theaters, play-dough, bostonopoly, the sience museum, hot dancers, being trusted, being productive, pictures, making my family laugh by making fun of them, having lots of gay people at my house tomarrow, CORA!, having tyhe kids at my house tomarrow!, my class, victoria and cody and and and...., the potential in Drew and Eric's eyes, quiet duty nights, Dreds, my mother walking right past everyinth i foget to take down or put away in my apartment when she came to pick me up, sarah getting my water ball to work but ripping it apart, drinking beer because we have nothing else but milk, becka's new couch, gel wrist pads, becka's mom cooking me dinner!, coffee with friends, making rob's day, seeing my hometown friends, talking to aly, Nate and his super cute self, the movie Nell, puppy naps, lizz loosing her bloomers, seeing Moira, Little Stuart, Kendra, having my own computer, silly away messages, e-mail and voice mail, Rose tradition...I tihnk thats good for now.

	2002.03.31  00.29 I have been thinking a lot about my friends lately... I wonder about myself when I think of them. I wonder if I put too much faith in people and give them too many chances. Like this whole spring break stituation...oi it's a long story that I dont want to cry over anymore and has been worked through for the most part. But for me that was realy scary. I broke down. My friends are my family and so when anything goes wrong it hurts like hell. That night when Ian called me I was such a mess...I cried for hours, and it wasn't about him not coming (competly)...it was more of the (to be dramaitic) betrayal of our friendship. I freak out when people change...well then again I freak out with any change. But I have friends that I dont like anymore because of the person they have become. And it's not just like people i went to high school with and haven't seen it's like people that I see everyday. I guess I dont freak out with every change because some if for the good. Troy for example. Thank the lord for prozac. But if I can't see the good in the change automaticly then its really fucking scary. I often feel like I give to much of my self/heart to people that dont deserve it. People who are fake and who don't feel the same bond I feel with them. I don't put up a fight for anything because I hate confrentation. And because of that I get walked on by a lot of people. Even with Ian in that 45 min converstation I silently cried through the whole thing and didn't tell him how upset I was. I didn't even let him know i was crying. I dont feel like I am being a good friend when I pull shit like that because I am not being completly honestly with them and I get mad at myself for "lying to them" and I get mad for being angry with them...even though it is thier fault. I cry over everything even when i am not that upset. so when i have to confront things often I cry and it's really embarassing and it make everything so much worse. Grr...I dn't know..I have to re-evaluate a lot of things in my life and I just dont even know where to begin. OH! Happy anyiversy to me! I came out to my mother one year ago right now! I guess I am moving along slowly.