Elizabeth's Journal

Time:

11:43 pm.

A potential issue may be coming up with my life after Christmas. My sister-in-law is moving in with us, and while I think she's great, I dunno how to approach the whole dressing thing. I probably should just keep it silent and only dress when she's gone or just in the bedroom, but I really, really would like to tell her. Unfortunately, I don't know her in that way enough to know how she would react, but the notion of having another girl to hang out with is enticing...of course only in the friendly context, considering I'm married and all, but it would be nice just to hang around with another girl.

But I don't know even how to broach the subject with my wife...I feel uncomfortable talking about it sometimes. Oh well...

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Time:

12:41 am.

Well I said I was horrible about updating, didn't I?

I always plan to update during the day at work, then when I actually get home at the computer I'm too tired to write anything...so at least I'm making an attempt.

Lately I've been thinking more and more about my gender related issues...in some ways I'd like to go even farther with what I do...only things that are easily hidden of course. Not only am I a grad student in a rather conservative field, I also now have the blessing/curse of working as a graduate assistant, where most of my tution is paid and I bring home a meager paycheck every 2 weeks (let's just say I get paid for less than half of the hours I actually work...I'm contracted for a certain amount, though hopefully that contract will soon be amended). So such ideas of growing my hair longer or dressing full time are unfortunately out of the question.

I was able to use my first paycheck to buy an inexpensive human hair wig, which looks 100 times more believable than the one I had before, although my wife is still adjusting to the new look :).

I've still never been 'out' anywhere dressed...mostly due to nervousness on my part...this new wig added a good deal of self-confidence that was lacking before, though my over-6 foot height still makes me apprehensive. I'm debating on broaching the subject of going to the beach in the not-too-distant future dressed to the wife, though she's so busy with work I haven't had a chance to discuss anything with her lately.

Right now I'd really like to get my belly button pierced I think...even though I've got a few extra pounds on me, I'm pretty sure I could pull it off...I've debated on trying to lose weight, but I'm afraid if I do I'll lose what semblance of feminine curves I naturally have...I lost around 40-50 pounds when I initially moved to college, and luckily the breast area didn't seem to go down with everything else...I'm just afraid if I lose too much, I'll look too manly ;) But anyway, another reason I'm not sure about the piercing is just having to go and have it done...I'm afraid it'll be too awkward.

I'm starting to wish I could shave my arms again...I pretty much shave everything else (though between the legs just gets a nice feminine trim), and it was such a hassle to keep up with the arm shaving before. But now with work/school, it would be such an obvious change that it wouldn't be worth it...bleaching the hair might be a better option, but I'm still not sure.

And I hope the no one that read my post from 2 months ago took it too personally :)

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Time:

12:19 am.

One odd fact I’ve noticed on LJ is how those who are transgendered/transsexual still fall into their biologically stereotypical roles when it comes to writing and the like. From what I am aware of, statistically, MtF’s outnumber FtM’s by a wide margin, I’ve heard as much as ten to one. Now, a quick survey of various LJ’s and the Transgender community one shows a significantly larger portion of FtM’s posting actively, where a lot of MtF’s post simple fluff and often simply sexual content to their journals.

It may be a simple fact that too many MfF’s (or most likely crossdressers), are simply content to sit around their homes in their bra and panties and complain that they aren’t accepted by society, while FtM’s are taking the initiative both politically and socially, and just going out and doing it. I live in a major metropolitan city and at least once a week I see a probable FtM just out and about in restaurants, malls, etc. And they don’t seem to cause much of a reaction. Now if I went out dressed female, I’d surely be in some big trouble. And no one is to blame but ourselves (for not being more active) and society (with its patriarchal inclinations, it is still unable to accept feminine males). While admittedly I can’t see why any woman would rather become masculine (even within a feminist context, I think there are better ways to achieve social goals rather than assimilation into the patriarchy), it may still be simply personal expression, which I support at the utmost. However, those FtM’s who do it for political reasons are what make it more acceptable for everyone…I attest that MtF dressing and life can be a feminist expression as well, at least that’s how I feel.

I have my transgendered inclinations because I try to separate myself from the male gender and all of it’s unevolved trappings. I have few male interests, and have better things to do with my life than watch sports fanatically and try and have sex with as many girls as possible (for the record, I’ve had sex with one girl, who is now my wife). And unfortunately I am not in a position to become a transgendered revolutionary (should have seized the opportunity as an undergrad student where normalcy is not a necessity), but I still wish I could have the option of going about the daily mundane tasks of life as a female if I so desire.

I think those goddamned crossdressers shoulder a lot of the blame for this. That is initially who I thought I was, but the more research I’ve delved into (observational and empirical) has shown that they’re simply a bunch of normal men who dress to escape their lives and enter the old stereotypical gender roles in which the female is the passive one with an easy life and no responsibilities. Yeah right. They’re so often caricatures of femininity themselves, going on about how many hours they spend getting their makeup ready, how often they check themselves in the mirror, and how obsessive they are about wearing dresses and makeup. Yet they’re always cautious to admit they feel male even when dressed and often harbor the old misogynist values of others. I simply can’t get my head around that…when I dress, often even simply in a shirt and jeans, I do feel female, at least emotionally and mentally. And even when I’m not dressed I feel that way, and am disgusted by the notion that males dress to follow all of those pathetic stereotypes.

I hate crossdressers.

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Time:

12:55 am.

It's been a long time since I've posted here! I've really been thinking a lot about myself in regards to my 'femme' life...I'm subscribed to a number of crossdresser mailing lists and I almost daily find myself disgusted at the people on them. As weird as it sounds, a lot of these crossdressers seem to be the most female-oppressive folks out there. They almost all seem to stress the most stereotypical of female traits...that women must spend hours putting on makeup, that everything they wear should be frilly and pink, etc. And this, most definitely, is not me. When I decide to dress, I quite often dress much like girls my age do...jeans, tank top or t-shirt, no makeup, etc. So I'm almost thinking myself to be a bit out of the realms of the crossdresser...unlike most of them, I don't feel myself to be a male in female clothing when I'm dressed...a good deal of CD's seem to only adopt female attributes and personas in order to justify the clothes to themselves, as if they can't 'cross that line' on their own.

So where does that leave me? I'm honestly not sure. Often times I do romanticize about how great it would be to live full time as a woman, with long hair and breasts, but I know that going that route would entail nothing but trouble, considering that I'm way too tall to not stick out (though I think I'd pass pretty well). Plus, I'm highly doubtful either my or my fiancee's family would be supportive, and it would not be good for her career. And, unlike most diagnosed transsexuals, I don't feel that I am living a lie as a male...I'm more ambivalent to my male side than I am to my female side though.

Sorry, just trying to get some ideas together ;-)

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