Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Joshua's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, November 20th, 2001
3:15 am	I am 82% Metal-Head. I was born with the mark of the beast on my forehead and an axe in my arms. I am the god of all things metal! Now if only I could get my parents to give me back my car keys..... Take the Metal-Head Test at Fuali.com! I am 69% ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET. I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I'm just well connected to the internet and technology, but it's really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer! Take the INTERNET-ADDICT Test at Fuali.com! (Comment on this)
2:50 am	here in heaven... How do I go from a feeling of utter bliss less than an hour ago, to a spiraling circle downwards, into my little abyss called life. The whole fucking thing is happening again, and I feel powerless to stop it. How can I possibly let someone get so close to me, that's turned my life upside down for months. This isn't a heartbreak that I can even cope with. I don't believe I've gotten an I love you in the last few months, but looks like he sure as hell did. And in true "punk ass" style... thats my lil nick name for "him" right now... He had to fucking rub it in my god damned face. The only way to explain anything that happens in my life is it's cursed. The people I get nearest to, end up the farthest away in one aspect or another. On top of that I suffer from chronic heart-break. I don't know how many more times I can take this. Especially in this instance. Do I ride it out, and wait til Feb. to find out face to face what the fucks going on? Confusion sets in.... Darkness fills my eyes... People closest to me Shroud me in lies... Fuck them I don't need this I'll just end up deeper in the abyss. MY LIFE IS FUCKED UP ENOUGH! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Eric Clapton- Tears in Heaven (Comment on this)
1:16 am	movin' and groovin' I'm feeling really awsome right now!!! Despite getting out of work at from workin 10 til 6am then going back in at 2pm til 10... Damn work Nazi's!!! I'm taking my fat lil self to the YMCA tomorrow to do a lot of cardio, and weight-training. I'm not into this blob-like state. It's kinda funny.... I'm feeling kinda lonely yet very happy. I've never really quite been like this. I really hope I find a meaningful relationship, no matter what kind it is. I just want to make someone very happy. From working in mental health I was able to help a lot of people. But, some of them helped me just as much.... "You have a good head on your shoulders, Joshua. You have a kind face also; Thank you for listening." -Matthew Leski (Bi-Polar) Listen and understand. What goes into a man's mouth does not make him unclean; but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean'". Matthew 15:11 Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Eric Clapton- Tears in Heaven (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2001
1:49 am	Flashing red and blue lights... I can honestly say, thats one of the best dates I've ever been on. SHE IS SO NICE!!!! Maygen definatly has to be one of the sweetest gal's I've ever met! I didn't think we'd have as much in common as we did. Plus, she's a mind reader! I wanted a teddy bear to cuddle with, and in a single act of kindness... I was holding a lil stuffed polar bear!!! I had to have looked like a little kid at X-mas time... well if I wouldn't have looked so tired maybe :) Thats all for now, i'm super tired once again! (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 11th, 2001
8:44 pm	background Heres the quick background on the gal i'm dating friday... My best friend from high school and I used to do everything together. I went to his family reunion in New Jersey where I met Maygen (although she's from Ohio) Anyway, we talked on the internet for around a year, and she moved to bowling green for college... thats when we lost contact. well i've been in bowling green off and on over the summer visiting friends, not realizing thats where she was going to college. well her aunt and uncle went down there a few weeks ago, and told her that i've been down there off and on. well... i got her email address and we're talking again! Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Nelly Fertado- Turn off the lights (Comment on this)
2:37 pm	Sooo Tired :( Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Work really really sucks. Last night I worked 6pm til 6am; I'm far too tired today to do anything. Yay... I actually have a date next friday! I'm so happy! And it couldn't be with a better girl. Well unless it were Nicole. But thats a whole nother matter. Besides that we should have a great time! ;) It's going to be nuts... I haven't seen her 3 whole years! The funny thing is that she moved just south of the Michigan border, and I've been in her city to visit other friends, forgetting that she'd moved! :) Good times Good times... Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Brian Setzer w/ Gwen Stefani- You're the Boss (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
9:09 pm	Candles and other cancer causing agents Wow... I'm actually having a good day! I got out and ran today! I barely made it a quarter of a mile :( I need to work on my cardio! I'm starting to fall in love with Nicole again... I don't know if thats bad or good considering she's far away. The good thing is I'm getting back to me. I'm doing things for myself and no one else. Thats needed to happen for a long time. I think I'm coming close to being a porn star too! Talk about bonus! Current Mood: naughty Current Music: Enigma- Return to Innocense (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
7:13 pm	Disorder Rating Paranoid: Moderate Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate -- Click Here To Take The Test -- (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:30 pm	Scars are souviniers you'll never lose I don't think one relationship has come out positively for me. With the exception of Jenye. We parted on very good terms. We're still very close when we get to talk. I always end up being a friend. The exception to that rule is with Nicole Caplinger. We've co-existed for so long its not funny. Everyone I get too close to I lose in some way, shape, or form. Nicole moved to Florida but we've found ways to make up for that. And... thats getting fairly interesting. Anyway, its like I'm King Midas; with some sort of other touch. I leave my heart far too open. I assume the "traditional female role" I'm very quiet, I'm very soft spoken, I'm just trying to be me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls- Name (Comment on this)
1:24 pm	I'm such a bitch! Whats up with me? Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. I'm up and down a lot. Sometimes I also think I was supposed to be a girl! I'm far to emotional to be a guy. It has its advantages, and disadvantages. Except I'm insta-friend to virtually every girl I meet! Damn personality. Once again, I had a conversation with Rachel last night. But, I really think it could have been her and Jen. Her reasoning of being on Jen's screen name made no sense to me. Not like it matters anyway. I've wanted to talk to Jenny for the last week. It's been ripping me apart not being able to. I'm just going to confront her today. If she doesn't want to talk, then thats on her conscience not mine. There were two people that could have talked to each other, both stubborn as hell. It's not just my fault. I love her..... Current Mood: restless Current Music: Sarah Mclachlan- Possesion (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 30th, 2001
12:50 pm	Good morning sunshine Whew, I just woke up from a really comfortable sleep! I don't know why it was so refreshing. And my bath this morning was excellent as well! Maybe I'm gonna die today or something... that would really suck! I want to actually do something with my life first! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Godsmack- Away (Comment on this)
12:38 pm	2-1 and Lewis :) Back from a "fresh" weekend down at MSU. Ethnee throws some sweet ass parties! I honestly couldn't believe the amount of people. my only regret is not drinking more... ;) Some of the people there had the sweetest costumes... I wouldn't have even fathomed (is that a word?) making some of those... This one guy dressed up as the Sweedish Chef from Muppets! How cool is that?!?! I only really knew one person... and about 3 to 5 by association, the other 50 kinda freaked me out :) The night went down without a hitch... no po's... nothing! I wish I woulda met a few chica's down there... woulda helped my situation... lol Jen's making it look like I won't talk to her, with her friends. But, in all actuallity it should be placed on both of our shoulders. I'm not going to give in. Neither will she. If we don't end up talking again it'll be both of our loss' Nuff' bout that shit! Peace! Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Warren G- What's Next? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 26th, 2001
2:19 pm	Oi to the world! Soon it will be party time! I'm bustin down to Lansing for the weekend. Hopefully it'll take my mind off of shit at home. Detective Weber called this morn ;) They're going to investigate the rest of the case against my brother... ssswwweeeeeeeettttt! I'm thinking about getting another tattoo next week; but I should also probably keep my priorities straight... damn morals... I can wait however. As soon as I get my computer to work again I should be back on here full time! I miss it... Current Mood: sad Current Music: Incubus- Pardon Me (live) (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 25th, 2001
5:08 pm	It's been a while, and quite a bit has changed. Seemingly every relationship I tend to get myself into turns out shitty! What's going on with my choices!?!? The only good thing that came out of the last one is that I an old flame resurfaced, and she happens to be one of my best friends. Anyway, I'm at a new job now. I work for Advanced Protective Services. Working in Mental Health Rules!!!! Well... except for the occasional self-destructive persons. But other then that I enjoy it :) My ex-gf is really pissing me off. Anything I say ends up in some kind of psycho-analysis. Something is really wrong with someone that needs to analyze anything and everything that someone else says. .....WE'RE NOT ALL FUCKING PERFECT! Now that that's out of my system... Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: boy sets fire- after the eulogy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2000
2:33 am	i'm back... hopefully for good I've been very pissy the last few weeks... why? who knows... I don't care... I'm back to my bouncy, happy lil... errr... big self :) I've heard nothing from Nicole in the last 5 weeks... Thats what I think set me off... Theres a long story behind it... and since I have the time to do it, I'd better tell it now... 2 friday's ago there was a dance at her college sponsered by her student govt. well, i had to go there and help set up... to make the longest story short, she never even showed to her dance... I'm thinking that she's busy as hell ... but then again who knows??? She hasn't checked her email in at least a week, I sent her a card, and still didn't get the return receipt saying she got it... anyway... Guess who's back in town. Jenye!!!! I've been very upbeat since she returned from Russia. She came into the computer lab to see me when she got home, I was the second person she spent time with when she got back besides her mom. So I felt very "special" in a way. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted to see my new car, and we ended up going to the mall... keep in mind I'm supposed to be at work! lol Tonight was fairly surreal. I walked her to her car like I always do, well it happens that she parked in front of me in the back of the lot, and it was snowing, and I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride again... I thought she was going to say no... but she said yes, but said we didn't have to go anywhere... so we sat in my car and listened to music and went through an art book... M.C. Escher to be exact. It was just cool... we sat there for a half hour and just talked... very cool. I talked to her a little bit ago, and asked if she'd like me to accompany her... of course she said "perhaps" After we said our goodbye's she came back and said "Don't eat lunch, k? I got to thinkin we mite be hungry at 1, 1:30 so let's share because sharing is caring" hmmmmm...... gets ya thinking huh? there's more to it then that... i always leave something out! i'll write soon! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Fuel (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 12th, 2000
6:20 pm	American Beauty If you haven't saw the movie you must! I saw it last night, and absolutely wish it wouldn't have ended. I can't even describe it if I tried! WATCH IT!!! Current Music: Rage Against The Machine - Killing in the name of (7 Comments |Comment on this)
5:03 pm	sunny sucks Although the subject line does not pertain to anything, I just thought I'd put it in for future reference. Anyway, the "Old School" dance is coming up on Friday, at Mott Community College. I have my outfit ready!!! Just gotta find my dancing shoes :) I get to pick up my new car tomorrow!!! My piece of shit, died in the middle of a busy intersection, I turned absolutely red! The biggest reason I'm excited about next Friday, is because it will be the first chance I get to see Nicole again. I haven't saw her in a month. So, I sincerely hope she feels the same she did before. If not, I may be severely depressed. I don't know what will happen with Jenye when she gets back reguardless if I'm going out with Nicole... The weekend overall was great! Friday night I went to the college's basketball game (i don't like basketball but it was a good time none the less) after the game, a few of the program board members went to Candy's apt. and we got wasted and went to the club. I didn't go to work the next morning :P I didn't get home until 5 :) Oh well.... I'm glad I didn't cuz otherwise I wouldn't be getting the new car :) That's all for now!!! Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Live - LIghtning Crashes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 5th, 2000
3:31 am	late night..... early morning What a few weeks its been... A few days after the leadership conference, I was very depressed... a friend of mine said Nicole had a boyfriend, which I later found out to be false. Well I was talking to Jenye, and she noticed I was depressed and wanted to know what was wrong... So, what'd I do... of course I told her... everything... I told her what happend over the weekend and all that... she really felt bad... then the fact that I like Nicole seemed to make her jealous. She started sending me E-cards, and emails, which was really cool :) well... then a few days later, I was in a rush and had to write a journal for a class (after i found out that nicole didn't have a b/f) First half is about a current event, and the second is a life experiance. So of course I then wrote about what happend at the lake. Jenye wanted to read it, i told her no... I didn't want her to feel like I was rubbing her face in it... ya know? So she said fine and she wanted me to quiz her for an art test... the entire time she kept asking to read it. Finally she got mad and said that I could just leave. I said fine and got up and started to walk away (she was leaving for florida the next day, and I wanted to hug her goodbye :( ) I told her to have a nice trip, and kept walking, and out of no where... "Say hi to nicole for me" I turned around and said "Ok, I will" I went off to class, and thought about it... I felt terrible! I sent her a long apologetic letter, and she later read it, and told me I was the sweetest guy in the world, and how i've been so considerate towards her feelings although she wasn't considerat towards mine.... and on and on. Anyway.... when she got back from florida a week later, we talked more and more... She started having me drive her to Kinko's in her car to make copies and stuff after her class. Next weekend, my car dies!!!! so she's been driving me around all week... which is very bad, cuz she's on a restricted license, and can't drive with others in the car... she could have gotten arrested! she really must have cared! well now, she's in russia for a month! and I miss her. Last time Nicole emailed me was last week.. she said she'd call.... I'm still waiting for the phone to ring :( I'll see her for sure in 2 weeks I believe... I wish she didn't live as far as she does. Once we talk on the phone we could be all set.... I really want a relationship with her. Well I'm falling asleep!!! I gotta hit the sack! new update tomorrow too hopefully! :) byeeee Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: In the arms of the angels -Sarah Mc Lachlan :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2000
12:48 pm	Greatest Week/end of my life!!!!! I had the absolute greatest weekend ever! I attended a Leadership Workshop 2 hours north of here, with about 12 other colleges. I got to work on my networking skills, along with my people skills ::gag:: Other than all that, I met the absolute most beatiful girl ever. We spent the entire weekend together... Almost like a fairytale. Friday the 13th, on a lake, in the middle of the woods, with a full moon. Anyway, her name is Lacey Nicole Adkins. Shes absolutly beautiful, physically, and mentally. She's abou 5'9" 140, brown hair, brown eyes. And she stole my heart away from the moment I met her. I hung out with her all friday night, walking hand in hand around the lake. She gave me a kiss on the cheek goodnight. And we started where we left off on Saturday. Spent the entire day together... we played truth or dare by the fire... this is where in turns into a movie.... Of course I picked dare... the dare was to take someone into the woods and completely switch clothes with them... Of course I took her. We found a spot, and took our shirts off... then i hear her say "come here" totally not thinking on my part, I'm like "what?" she says come here, I lean forward, and get my first kiss. We spent the rest of the night hanging around the fire and holding each other on the beach. I kissed her goodnight, and the next day we had to leave... Now we're trying to work things out, with her living an hour south. A bad thing also happend this week, but I don't know if you'd charectorize it as bad. Jenye, is showing interest... To be continued...??? Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Boyz II Men -Four Seasons of Lonliness (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2000
1:43 am	Well, I'm having some very good moments with Jenye... Yesterday I went to class with her, and she wanted me to drive her somewhere in her car... I don't trust just anyone with my car! I still can't figure out if we're going to be "just friends" or more than friends. But, I hope to know tomorrow night or sometime soon. Again, wish me luck Current Mood: determined Current Music: "Rafiki" -Zap Mama (Comment on this)