Harlock's LiveJournal

Subject:	I am Jack's stress
Time:	9:23 pm.
Mood:	stressed.
Music:	Nine Inch Nails - Complications Of The Flesh.

If there is ever a time that I am not sick then I am stressed. If there is ever a time when I am not stressed then I am sick. The worst comes when both confront each other head on. These events are few and far in between, but when they do hit, the impact that I feel is great and lasts for many days, or even weeks. This weekend I felt the effects of one of these monstrous events. I sit in my chair now, drinking my beer, trying to loosen up my tightened nerves.

The time is drawing closer for my court appearance for a ticket that I accumulated while in San Diego. The court judge tells me that if I am able to provide proof of insurance during the time of the incident that the case would be dropped. I only wish it where that easy. For some strange reason, I cannot find the insurance papers for the time of the ticket. I knew I did have insurance, because I was paying my insurance bills each month, and it was for car insurance plus home owners insurance. The amount that I had to pay did not change, so I know that it is not that. The insurance company will not return my phone calls. I need them to send me new information. Without it, I am screwed.

In the likely event that I do get screwed, I do not have the money to pay the ticket off. I have had to pick and choose around my apartment as to what items I would sell, and which I would keep. Since I have already previously sold my high priced items, the only ones I had left were my stereo and my DVD player. With reluctance, I sold them both off. I did not get as much as I would have liked to get, but I received more than I thought I would get. I did not wish to give up my stereo. I loved my stereo. It was a good piece of hardware, and well used. The DVD was waiting for a worthy TV to be hooked up to. My current TV is so old and beaten up that it cannot handle a DVD picture. I let them go, with the knowledge, that in time I will have a new stereo or a DVD player. Right now I need money.

What irks me is this... I really didn't need to sell these items off for money. I shouldn't have received the ticket in the first place. My registration was paid, I had insurance, I did not break any laws. I was pulled over by a rookie police officer that needed to write a ticket. He told me that my insurance was invalid, making my registration invalid, giving him the right to tow my car. This event has already cost me a lot of money, and soon it will cost me a lot more. I am simply preparing the necessary funds to cover it, so I don't have to dig too deep into my monthly expense plan.

I am disappointed in myself. Claudia assures me that I have nothing to BE ashamed of, but I feel unclean. Over the weekend, I had a very unnatural dream. I was with another breaking the bond that Claudia and I worked so hard to build. While I know that this is only a dream and therefore meaningless, I still have this overwhelming guilt. If I loved Claudia as much as I think I do, then why would I be plagued by such a dream? Sadly, I have been unable to come up with an answer as of this writing. I know that I wish to be with her. I know that I love her dearly. This dream has me scared and upset with myself. She, of course, in her lovingness, forgave me for a dream that she says is not my fault.

I have also fallen victim for another virus of some sort. My throat is very sore and even swollen. Last time I felt this, I ended up in the hospital with an IV. I have taken extra precaution to snuff this one out early. I went immediate to the doctor for antibiotics and drinking water like mad. My sickness is only amplified by my stress and my lack of sleep. The next couple of days will be an endurance trail for my body. I hope I can make it thru the week before I crash and burn.

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Subject:	I am Jack's Poison
Time:	12:27 am.
Mood:	mellow.
Music:	Poison - Every Rose Has It's Thorn.

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of making' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

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Subject:	I am Jack's definition of Role-playing
Time:	12:51 pm.
Mood:	geeky.
Music:	The Longest Journey - Main Menu.

Most people do not know what role-playing is. This is an article that I wrote up for Cthulhu 2000 and for Sciencefiction.com. It seems only appropriate to write up a definition of role-playing, seeing as it is the main staple of my hobbies.

Role-play - To assume or act out a particular role. (This according to dictionary.com)

We have all role-played some time or other in our life. Lets take the Cops and Robbers example. Most of us used to play this game as kids. One group would be the robbers and another group would be the cops. We usually set up the stage of a bank robbery and role-played as if we where actually in a bank branch. We used our fingers as guns, and a bandana usually was the prop for the robber. We would run around the yard role-playing the great car chase. The classic argument of this game was "I shot you!" "No you didn't." This is where a role-playing game and general role-play are different. So, what is a role-playing game?

A role-playing game is a game in which one assumes and acts out the role of a fictional character, defined within the limits of certain game rules and guidelines. Ok, how does this apply to our cops and robbers example? If the "Yes I did, no you didn't" argument arises, the two 'players' would flip a coin, if the winner was the person playing the cop, then he would have indeed shot the robber, if the winner was the robber, then the cop would have missed. This small rule puts to rest that classic argument and keeps the cops and robbers game running smoothly.
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A more in-depth view of Role-playing games can be drawn from Greg Stafford's view (designer for Atlas Games) that role-playing is much like an "Improvisational radio theater." It is this interactive story telling, or story creation that makes role-playing so appealing to so many people.

It is much like theater in that the players take on the roles of people in the "play." They create identities for those characters, give them personality, and give them their own distinct voice and mannerisms. Player-characters interact with each other in the game as if on the stage of a play. The events of the story unfold as the characters play their respective roles in the game.

Role-playing is much like a radio drama in that there are (most of the time) no props, no real stage setting, and no visual representation of character. Most role-playing games are played around a table, actions being spoken verbally amongst the players. It is these descriptions of actions that bring the characters to life in the setting of the game. No matter what the characters are doing, saying, or reacting to, it is all done verbally. Players can even knock on the table, make walking noises, or the noise of a squeaky door as was done in the radio dramas of old.

Improvisation is a big part of role-playing because nothing is ever set in stone, save the rules of the game. The story is fluid and ever changing. What the players do in the game will determine the outcome of the story. What your character says and does can and will affect the game world. The character's actions are only limited by the imagination. There is no set script or dialog to follow. This makes role-playing quite interesting as the players never know what one another are going to do or say. This improvisation helps to suspend disbelief and draw the player deeper into the game and make it much more satisfying.

In most role-playing games, players may only play one character at a time. Characters are often so complex that a player only wants to play one character, spending his/her time developing the character. The game-master is one player with different kind of role. He acts as the rules referee and also weaves the characters actions into a story. The Game-master is often called upon to play the none-player characters (NPCs) that the players meet. He creates the settings, give detailed descriptions of what the characters see and hear, the GM can even control the weather. He/she becomes the hub that the players focus their play. The players are dependant on the Game-master for an entertaining story and a fulfilling gaming experience, while keeping play fair by adhering to and arbitrating the rules. As you may of guessed the Game-master has the most demanding job.

All these elements come together to create a game. The drama of unseen radio, the improvisation that allows you to act at will, and the character interaction of the theater, players and game-master use all these elements to create a role-playing experience. These basics and fundamentals are behind all of today's leading RPG's: Dungeons and Dragons, Call of Cthulhu, Star Wars RPG, Vampire: the Masquerade, Fading Suns, Shadowrun, and GURPS.

While this is the description of "classic" pen and paper RPG's, in recent years, two other forms of role-playing have become more popular. One is Live Action Role Playing aka LARP. This form of role-playing does bring props, stage settings, and costumes into play. The players literally assume the identity of their characters and act out the actions as if they were their characters. All the basic elements are still present in this form of role-playing, with the exception that what the player sees and hears is what the player sees and hears.

The other form of role-playing is now being done over the computer, via the Internet. This is quickly gaining popularity among the role-playing community as players and game-masters can interact with one another without leaving their own homes. Actions and settings are typed out on the screen and interpreted into the game world by a game-master at his computer. As with both pen and paper RPG's and LARP, all the basic elements of role-playing are present.

No matter how you play, role-playing can be a fun and rewarding experience. Go and check out one of the local hobby and comic shops in your area or contact me to inquire more about role-playing. The people working at the stores or I are knowledgeable and will gladly answer any questions you might have. Many stores run demonstrations of role-playing on weekends, if you are in the San Diego area of Southern California and want to be part of a game that Scienceficiton.com is running, please contact me or stop by Titan Games and Comics (12222 Poway Rd #13) in Poway California every first and third Saturday of the month between 2 and 7.

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Subject:	I am Jack's valentine
Time:	7:44 am.
Mood:	loved.
Music:	The Cure - Love Song.

Last night did not happen. I wussed out towards the end and fell asleep. Though, that is probably the best thing for me, seeing I am lacking in sleep already. I do need to build up my gaming endurance though. I need to get back in the habit of spending hours at a time on a single game. Sure, there are some that will tell me that it is a waste of time and I could be doing better things, but hey... this is my hobby, not theirs. I could very well say the same thing about their hobby. Gaming is my hobby, if I want to spend 40 hours strait playing a single game, then I will.

Today is also Valentine's Day. For the first time in a while, I actually have a valentine to share this day with. It is too bad that she is in another country and so far away. All of my previous girlfriends always seemed to screw up or break up with me right around Valentine's Day. Almost like a curse. I am grateful that one has decided to stick with me. She wrote me a poem today. I am such an ass that I forgot to do something in return. I apologized to her this morning, and she, in her loving way, said that it was all right. She has my love, and therefore has her valentine. So is so amazing, so beautiful, and so understanding.

Here is the poem she wrote for me. Thank you Claudia, I love you.

The Heart's Cry

You wake.
You look.
You search.
But you do not find.

A sound has dragged you from your sleep.
A screech has pierced you in your dreams.
A call has taken you from Morpheus embrace.
But no one is there.

One day there was.
One day there will be.
For now - there is not.

Until that day
Bear with your heart crying.
Until that day
I hear your heart crying.
Until that day
I will follow that cry
And have it cry again
Of joy.

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Subject:	I am Jack's violent video games
Time:	2:50 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	Megadeth Duke Nukem Theme.

The Report on Youth Violence by the Surgeon General U.S. Public Health Service has been published. This study was in response to a flurry of attacks on the Video game business's responsible for such games as Doom, and Mortal Kombat (God knows the media is up on their current video games). The study, Commissioned by President Clinton in April 1999 after the Columbine High School shootings, was to determine the effects of video game violence on the youth of America.

Guess what people? If you are one of those children who has been raised as a trained gun men thanks to Doom, or a strategical genius like Hitler because of Red Alert, or you find pleasure in ripping the heads and spines off your neighbors because you saw it in Mortal Kombat, the Surgeon General's report may have some shocking news for you: you are one of the rare cases of people that act this way, and you are still indeed at fault for your violence!

Awww... does this mean that you can't say "I blame the video games!" anymore? Yeah, that's right.

"A recent meta-analysis of these studies found that the overall effect size for both randomized and correlational studies was small for physical aggression... and moderate for aggressive thinking. (Anderson & Bushman, in press). In separate analyses, the effect sizes for both randomized and cross-sectional studies was small. The impact of video games on violent behavior remains to be determined.

The actual evidence suggesting that video games cause violence in people is so rare that it is not even worth mentioning. As I have read, "In effect, the evidence found as part of the report indicates that not only is the tendency for increased physical violence as a result of playing a videogame relatively rare, but that gaming also increases aggressive thinking. Aggressive thinking -- that's capitalism, baby! Quake is making you more American." Now that is funny.

Research suggests that not all youths are affected in the same way by viewing media violence. Factors that appear to influence the effects of media violence on aggressive or violent behavior include characteristics of the viewer (such as age, intelligence, aggressiveness, and whether the child perceives the media as realistic and identifies with aggressive characters) and his or her social environment (for example, parental influences), as well as aspects of media content (including characteristics of perpetrators, degree of realism and justification for violence, and depiction of consequences of violence)...Studies of responses to violent television and films and violent video games have found that people who were initially more aggressive than other subjects were more affected in behavior, thoughts, and emotions (Anderson & Dill, 2000; Bushman, 1995; Bushman & Geen, 1990; Friedrich & Stein, 1973; Josephson, 1987). Research in this area clearly suggests that the impact of violent television, film, and video games on aggression is moderated by viewers� aggressive characteristics.

Hmmm... very interesting, yet so true. If you are naturally an aggressive person, of course you are going to lean more towards aggressive forms of media to stimulate you. I mean, that only makes sense.

Of course this study won't make any difference. Those who are opposed to violent video games and electronic media will still cry that violence in the world is the fault of Doom. It's been that way for years, it will be that way for years to come. Small minded people for a small minded world. Never under-estimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

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Subject:	I am Jack's exhaustion
Time:	6:34 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	The Cure - If Only Tonight We Could Sleep.

Another night of no sleep has left me exhausted. The sound of the rain outside did not help to sooth me. This seems to happen every year. For a period of about a month I am forced to battle insomnia. It is brought on by the stresses of my life. It is my body telling me that I have unfinished business that I must take care of. Only problem with that, I usually do not know what I need to take care of. Several things have cropped up in the last few days, but nothing that I can't handle or take care of. The first being a ticket I received for no good reason.

Ah yes... that wonderful ticket I received in San Diego that impounded my car, and forced Claudia and I to play "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" to get back home. I received a letter in the mail saying that I must pay upwards of $700. HA! I think not. The only reason that my car WAS impounded was a lack of insurance. The only problem with this ticket is, I DID have insurance at the time. The officer who wrote the ticket was young and brash. Claudia and I guessed that he only wanted to nail someone. I will have to contact my insurance company, and have them send out proof of insurance. I will take that the court on the 5th of next month, and ask that the ticket be dismissed.

The only other thing that I am fighting right now is a collection agency. At first I was scared that I hadn't paid my bills or credit cards and they sent an Agency after me. Luckily this is not the case. It is an internal agency with a hospital trying to collect on a co-pay I do not have to pay. You see, I am on an HMO, therefore all hospital emergency room visits are paid in full by the insurance company. Hospitals like to scare people into paying money they shouldn't have to, then the people go to the insurance company to try and get reimbursed. That is a lot easier than it sounds... in fact, trying to get reimbursed by an insurance company is down right impossible. So, when the agency called, I didn't let the gentleman speak. I simply said that I was on HMO at the time, and that I will get in contact with my insurance company, and my insurance company will contact the hospital. Oh joy... I have two insurance companies to deal with...

Well, now I know where my sleep has gone. I do have a lot on my mind, hopefully they will be taken care of soon. I like sleep, it is good for you.

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Subject:	I am Jack's video games
Time:	11:49 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	Metroid - Theme (Symphonic).

It is funny what games you find yourself playing when you just want to screw off. After work, Chuck and I returned to my apartment, ate dinner, and began to talk about gaming. It reminded me of a secret I once found in a little game called Metroid. This of course prompted me to play. Using the power of Nesticle, one of the many game console emulators I have, I went on the "Great Secret World Hunt." I must admit, this is by far the most fun I have had with a game in a long time, and all I was doing was screwing off. I think that I have lost focus as to what my gaming means to me. It is not a matter of beating a game, or obtaining the Whifflebat of Wombat Slaying, but more about how much fun you are having while playing. In my mind, gaming was so much better back when. Some of the games that I grew up with are now part of the Classic Game Hall of Fame. Those games are still challenging even by todays standards, Metroid being the flagship of the Hall of Fame. Now I sit here, teary eyed and nostalgic, thinking of the days when gaming was pure and challenging.

That is the problem with todays new gamers, they want their challenge spoon fed from them. If a game is too challenging it "sucks". They want all their games easy to play and easy to beat. A puzzle? Uh... what's that? A difficult boss fight? A last boss that was actually not disappointing to fight!? Hell, I remember I used to rate games by their "Cuss Factor". If the game didn't make me scream profanity at the TV every half an hour or so, then the wasn't worth my time. Yes, you read right -- A game's challenge can be rated on how much you actually curse the game.

Ah, then you have the great graphics and sound debate. It seems that game play is now being substituted with great graphics and mind blowing sound. Yes, these factors make a wonderful game, but it is never enough. It is the game play that will draw you in and keep you, but why work so hard on game play when you can't show that in a commercial. Sadly, many of today's gaming companies know that graphics will sell, so they hype up there graphics counts and show off what the graphics can do, but then when it comes to actually PLAYING the game... well, I will just say that I have played with doorstops more entertaining than some of today's games.

*sigh* I guess that is what I want again. I want a game worth playing. I haven't been satisfied by a video gaming session in a long while, I'm due! Funny I should get the most enjoyment I have had in a while from a game that is over 15 years old. Go figure...

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Subject:	I am Jack's lack of sleep.
Time:	6:10 am.
Mood:	awake.

I woke this morning neither refreshed nor rejuvenated. Seems that I had a bout of insomnia last night. With good reason too, I had a lot on my mind. This will, unfortunately, affect my work performance today. The one thing that actually might save me is that it is Monday. Monday's are always busy with call backs from the weekend. All I know is that after work, I will crash.

Yesterday did not go as I had originally planned. Yes I was able to get my work done, however, the rest of the day was spent unwisely. This is not to say that I did not enjoy the day, I just did not get to accomplish what I had set out to do. The most enjoyable time of the day, of course, was my conversations with Claudia. She had spent the weekend at her parents, I was unsure of whether she would be able to call me or not. She was. Her parents were gracious enough, as long as Claudia picked up the bill for the phone call.

I love Claudia very much. I guess you could say that my lack of sleep was caused by her, or rather my stupidity. I almost lost her today. We are both very passionate people. We both have a fire that burns inside with life. When one person argues with the other, both of those fires meet, and spark a huge bon fire. We say things that we do not mean, our actions are more out of anger than hatred. She and I are also very proud, and do not back down from argument easily. I know that I do love her deeply. If I didn't, then I would not care what she did with her life. I am hoping that she understands that. I shall talk to her this morning and find out if she is all right.

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Subject:	I am Jack's dream
Time:	9:10 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	The Cure - Where the Birds Always Sing.

I have often wondered if the majority of mankind ever pause to reflect upon the occasionally titanic significance of dreams, and of the obscure world to which they belong. Whilst the greater number of our nocturnal visions are perhaps no more than faint and fantastic reflections of our waking experiences -- Freud to the contrary with his puerile symbolism -- there still a certain remainder whose immundane and ethereal character permit of no ordinary interpretation, and whose vaguely exciting and disquieting effect suggests possible minute glimpses into a sphere of mental existence no less important than physical life, yet separated from that life by an all but impassable barrier. From my experience I cannot doubt but that man, when lost to terrestrial consciousness, is indeed sojourning in another and uncorporeal life of far different nature from the life we now, and of which only the slightest and most indistinct memories we may infer much, yet prove little. We may guess that in dreams life, matter, and vitality, as the earth knows such things, are not necessarily constant; and that time and space do not exist as our waking selves comprehend them. Sometimes I believe that this less material life is our truer life, and that our vain presence on the terraqueous globe is itself the secondary or merely virtual phenomenon.

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