Dear Atlanta Traffic Cops,

First, let me begin by thanking you for pulling over and ticketing the dangerous drivers during every morning rush hour. I'm sure you're making the roads infinitely safer for good drivers such as myself.

I'm such a good driver that I had no trouble negotiating the log jam you created by stopping a driver in the middle of an Interstate merge lane / on ramp yesterday morning. In fact, dozens of other good drivers like myself managed to get off of and onto the interstate without killing you or the person you were attempting to ticket, even though the ONE LANE we use to merge off AND on interstate was hopelessly clogged by your patrol car and the car you pulled over.

I'm sure that the driver you pulled over would have created even greater problems than the humongous traffic jam down the exit ramp and onto the interstate that you caused. Thank you so much for preventing that!

And nothing breaks up my routine commute to work like a challenging slalom course of parked cars! I love a good challenge!

Thank you so much for making the roads safer and more fun for good drivers like myself.

Sincerely,
Kara

If your email address is hottiecheerleader86@whatever.com, I'd be willing to bet my right eye¹ that you're neither a cheerleader, a hottie, NOR were you born in 1986.

I think it's much more likely that you're a special agent looking for pedophiles. Or a porn dealer.

I can't speak for all women, but I know my job drives me to drink.

News reports are starting to carry that the lunatic that killed 9 of his immediate family members, including two of his children that he'd fathered with his own daughters, is a member of the Seventh Day Adventist church.

I've even heard the word "cult" bandied about.

And I'd like to go ahead and state for the record that the mass-murdering, incestuous f*ckhead in Fresno MIGHT be an Adventist, but he's a f*cking WEIRDO Adventist.¹

Whatever those kooks in Fresno get up to, the Adventists I know are all good, decent people. Normal. Other than not seeing them at the shopping malls on Saturday afternoon, you'd likely never know they were Adventist. Not brainwashed cult members. Not child-molesting killers. Just good, kind, generous people. People who will open their homes to friends and strangers alike, invite you in to watch SportsCenter, and make you a milkshake. Maybe even bake you a vegetarian lasagna.

Mmm. Vegetarian lasagna. If that's a cult, it's a cult I can get on board with.

I have pretty traditional views of medicine. It probably has something to do with having a mom, aunt, and grandmother who are all registered nurses. When you spend your childhood weekends watching cartoons and coloring in the nurses' lounge at your mom's office, your views get shaped pretty early on.

I went to see my old-fashioned MD this afternoon. She's one of those "open-your-mouth-and-say-ahhh-look-in-your-ear-thump-your-back" type doctors. But another doctor in her office presents himself as:

Dr. [name omitted], Holistic Gynecology and Osteopathic Manipulation.

Um.

What?

And then, hidden on the back of his card, his credentials: DO, FACOOG, ABHM.

Anyone with this many letters after their name is immediately suspect in my book. ESPECIALLY when none of them are "MD."

So I start picking up the materials displayed in front of his vacant sign-in window. Crystal Light¹ Therapy, Energy Healing: Chakra Balancing. Hypnosis. Women's Health.

I understand that meditation has been proven to have some stress-alleviation benefits. I don't share my mom's belief that chiropractors are snake-oil salesmen just waiting to cripple unsuspecting victims. And I don't think that hypnosis is ENTIRELY bogus.

But osteopathic gynecology? Some weirdo playing Enya and chanting while pushing on women's bellies in order to slide their organs around?

No thank you.

I wonder who his patients are.

Come to think of it, I've never seen any patients waiting to have their organs manipulated. I've never seen anyone go into or come out of his door. I've never seen an office assistant answer his phone - or even heard it ring, for that matter. In fact, I've never seen an office assistant on his side of the office.

I'd never even seen him until today. He's short and balding with the stringy remnants of his hair pulled into a greasy ponytail that falls to the middle of his back.

I've always wondered what happened to the "sensitive ponytail man" of the early 90's.

And now I know. He's driving around Atlanta in his used Japanese import, waiting for someone to come along with a chakra to balance.

¹not to be confused with "Crystal Light," the sugar-free powered beverage.

It's time for the third installment of the newest series here at Caffeinated Ramblings: "Hey, whatcha lookin' fer?," where we take some of the funniest, most bizarre things people look for on this site (using the nifty FreeFind search box at the left), share them with the world, and perhaps learn a thing or two about some of the sickos that visit this site.

Without further ado...

baby
No thank you.

warning
Warning? What warning? Is it a warning about an evil knife-wielding baby?

faint
Yeah, I'd probably faint if I happened across an evil knife-wielding baby.

blogpimping
DING DING DING! We have a winner! Check favorite brews for blogpimping.

snot covered marshmallows
You have problems. On a positive note, this will make a GREAT name for my punk band!

kara is a jerk from shelia
Hi Sheila! Why so quiet lately? Nothing to say? Cat got your fingers? Oh, wait. THAT'S right... I BANNED you! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I went to the salon yesterday for a long overdue hair cut.

And while I was there, I made the mistake of uttering the most dangerous word in the English language.

"Bangs."

I thought it'd be cool to have some chunky bits to wear in my face when feeling particularly rock star-ish.

Coming home with a soccer mom pageboy is exceptionally uncool.

Anyone know if those hair growth vitamin supplements work?