My late father was a real Nixon man in his youth, and would fondly recall going out and getting lit the night JFK was popped. I always think of him when I hear "the only good thing to come out of Dallas was JFK's corpse."

When I went to Dealy Plaza, one of Jack Ruby's strippers was holding court, selling Xeroxed copies of some rambling screed. I'd heard that Ruby liked to have sex with his dogs, and I figured this was my one and only chance to ask someone who'd know. So I kneeled down, leaned in close to the old crone, and said, "I don't mean to be impolite, but I've heard that Jack was romantic with his dogs. Any truth to the rumor?" And she knew exactly what I was talking about. But she said it wasn't true - "he loved those dogs like family."

So all you Jack Ruby haters out there, step off.