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the femmie.

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[04 Jun 2004|02:08pm]
i got yelled at last night. by a customer. over mayo and bbq sauce. the bastard made me have to run to the bathroom and cry. it makes me want to never go back. i cannot stand rude people, let alone people who treat others with aboslutely NO respect over something as STUPID as mayo and bbq sauce.
but, i made some good money so at least it wasn't totally for naught.

i'm in a very fucked up mood. cryptic, distracted, sad, and overly sensitive. i hate it.

mel was supposed to come up here early. but her dad left and her dad has all her money for her trip to wisconsin which she's leaving for after we hang out. so i don't get to spend all afternoon with my mel like i intended. and i don't even know if i'll get to see her at all. *pout*

hopefully Bobbi's party will be fun. there's going to be so many people there. people from work. that should be interesting. *sigh* it's weird, not being out really. not by choice, i just haven't really said anything about it to anybody. cept Vesnissa, cuz she was at Jacob's. so yeah. here i come... trotting out of the closet. once again. it's strange. it's an ongoing experience. you are never fully out of the closet. unless you are Ellen and come out on national television. i just need to get me a national tv show, come out once, and then the ones who missed it the first time can find out when i'm in syndication. it's a lovely plan indeed.

i suppose i'm going to head over to Leslie's. she has bribed me with cake and the Family Guy. and i'm throwing in Once More With Feeling and i mean honestly.... how can you possibly go wrong there?
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[03 Jun 2004|02:59pm]
bah. i am SO not in the mood to go into work tonight. i need to leave in like, 20 mins.
my shirt is still in the dryer.
i am alluva sudden very sleepy.
blah blah blah.

last night sucked. i went to the gym with amy. i remember why i don't like gyms so much. i always feel like i'm being stared at. like people are staring at me saying, "you don't belong here. you don't know what you are doing. just go home and eat some cake." i know i'm insane. but damn. i totally lost it last night while i was on a weight machine and Amy was trying to tell me how to do it, and i just couldn't. i couldn't do it right for the life of me. i hate feeling stupid. i hate feeling like i don't know what i'm doing. and i hate doing things wrong. so i went and sat in the bathroom for a good while. then eventually emerged and spent the next half hour killing myself on the EFX machine. the one machine that i know how to use. i was just in a weird mood. very touchy. very pms'y. thank god my period came today. i'd of ended up killing someone had today been like yesterday. blah. i'll stick with working out at work, running food and sweating profusely. it's worked so far. it's funny too... i haven't really lost that much weight. i'm still above my normal weight. but i feel much thinner. after not seeing my mother for a few months, her first words to me last weekend were, "ohmygod you're so thin!!" yay for losing weight and not doing anything special. woot woot.

blah. don't want to work. blah blah blah. maybe i'll make some money though. i have the party table tonight. on monday i had that section and made about $60 in a single shift whereas others were complaining about only breaking $70 on a double.

tomorrow mel is coming up here.this makes me happy. i cannot believe her and susanna broke up. ok, so i can believe it. but still. it's very sad. i figured they would have lasted until the end of summer at least. oh well. everything comes to an end eventually. i just hope mel is doing better today than she was yesterday. i was thisclose to driving down to louisville just to comfort her. *Sigh* i'm glad she is coming here though. it'll be nice to have some just us time.
and then later friday evening Bobbi is having her birthday cookout. yay for that. it should prove to be interesting.

baaaaaaaah. i still don't want to go to work. the only difference now is that i actually have to. here's to hoping i don't fall asleep waiting on one of my tables. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.................
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[02 Jun 2004|12:51pm]
i have the day off today. wooha! i like having weekdays off of work. to do nothing, or everything if i choose. it's nice.

i was going to meet Amy up for lunch this afternoon. i put on one of her shirts (which of course is hella tight on me, but that's ok) and got all dolled up. but she called me as i was on my way out to tell me that one of the guys at work offered to take all the "girls" at work out (all 3 of them) to lunch. she said forget it since i had already left, but when i got stuck in traffic and knew i would be late, i told her to just go ahead and eat lunch with the company. who knows, those guys are loaded. maybe she'll get to go someplace fancy and eat a nice steak.

i'm hanging out with Megan this afternoon. so i guess i'll be all dolled up for her. ha.

wee! i'm talking to Jillian. i enjoy her greatly. she apparently has AOL again. that makes me happy. maybe we can actually talk every once in a while now.

la la. i got on here to post something relevant... i swear i did. but it's escaping me at the moment. dammit.

oops. amy left her cell phone here this morning. that sucks. for her. and me. no random conversations this afternoon i suppose. oh well. ha. now i can keep track of who is calling her....... mwahahahaha! maybe i should call china? ha. no. i'm evil. but only in a pretend world.
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[26 May 2004|05:57pm]
i want a pet snake.
or a lizard.

i'm thinkin ball python or milk snake. or something of the like.

it'd be preferable to have a reptile that won't attempt to eat my cats. or Buster for that matter.

hm. any suggestions?
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[26 May 2004|05:08pm]
wee! Buffy season 6 arrived today. this makes me happy. i think i want to just watch Once More With Feeling. skip right to it. ahh. i love me some Buffy. it'll give me something to do with my free time now. woot!

yay! liz just informed she passed her driving test. aw. yay liz! vroom vroom!

so last night i stayed up til 2 working on my room. i got a new cd organizer shelf, built it, alphabatized all my cds/dvds/videos and arranged them nicely. i put up all the random posters i could find and straightened up my desk. i have two huge piles in my room marked trash and storage. yes, that's right i said TRASH. jess the packrat is going to be getting rid of a few things. and the rest of the things that i can't bare to part with but serve no purpose but to take up space and get in the way are going in storage. i've needed a storage unit for some time now, and i'm finally gonna get one. i could always store shit in louisville for free... but that's too much of a hassle. i am in SUCH a spring cleaning mood it's rediculous.

ah. i hung out mr. kyle today. i enjoy him muchly. we went to Uno's for lunch and then hung out at his new pad for awhile. got caught in the torrential downpour in the process. i'm still a bit moist. ew. he's apartment is very very nice. it's going to look absolutely fabulous once they have every thing set up. i very much can't wait to see what it turns into.

liz just informed me that they now have a machine that grades essays. HOW IN THE HELL CAN A MACHINE GRADE AN ESSAY??!?!?!?!?! it's a scary scary world we are living in today folks. indeed it is.

ah. i recently got dragged into the MySpace.com circle. i had managed to stay out of there for so long, but Stacey made me sign up. anywho, thought i'd do the whole "look at me! look at me!" thing. so yeah, look at me!

alright. i'm done. i'm gonna go off and spray paint some shelves... or something.
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[24 May 2004|02:15pm]
well well.
it's been awhile, no? or maybe it only seems that way.
i am still alive, by the way. :)

so. let's see... me and my life since my birthday....

my birthday got much better. when Amy came home from work she came in, blindfolded me, and led me out to her car and drove me to an unknown destitination. then we got out, and she led me, still blindfolded, awhile on foot. finally, the blindfold was lifted, and i found myself staring at the river at Sawyer's Point, and at a blanket laid down with a beautiful picnic basket, a bouqet of iris' (my favorite flower), and a box with a rainbow painted across it, and Amy's smiling face. she's such a sweetheart. she's the queen of surprises. it's amazing to be with someone who actually listens to me. it's insane. i would always tell her that my fondest memories from highschool were sitting down by the river eating brie and baguette with friends. thus, in the basket there was a baguette and brie (along with other cheeses, fruit, salami & cream cheese, jello bears, snickers and a bottle of sparkling grape juice). in the box was a tshirt that says, "this is what a feminist looks like" (i mentioned how much i wanted a shirt like that when we were at the Take Back the Night march). so we sat by the river and ate, and talked, and i just smiled massive amounts. then the rain came and we walked back to the car in the rain just enjoying ourselves. it was simply lovely. then we headed out to Jacob's. the show was great, and Sissy SANG again. i love when she sings. it makes me happy. Kyle showed up which made me happy and he actually got me a present (a beautiful journal and a voodoo doll...hehehehe). and Dwyane showed up with bag from him and Amy's mom full of bandannas and a Jack Off Jill cd. Peter, Candace and Doug were there along with Stacey and Liz so i was surrounded by good people all night. which is a good thing, because i got myself entirely too drunk. but it was fine. Amy didn't drink at all. which was amazing. she took good care of me. especially when we got home and i decided to puke everywhere. i don't remember what we did the next day, i think we slept a lot. and sunday we went to King's Island and had a gay ole time.

last week can be summed up as work. i closed the store every day last week except thursday in which i had the day off. i also had the weekend off, so that was nice. i opened and closed the store tuesday. and i worked all day and closed the store friday. so, needless to say, i made good money this week. but i didn't get to see Amy at all, and that sucked.
we also got new carpet last week. it gives the apartment a whole new feel. it's nice. but now my room is wrecked again cuz we had to move everything out and back in and i haven't had the time to clean it. until today. which is what i'm going to do here in a lil bit.

friday Mel and Susanna came to louisville. Mel and Leslie came to see me at work which was really nice. Amy and her mom also came to see me at about the same time. so friday night went quicker than usual and was more fun and laid back considering 1/2 my tables were people i love. after i got off work, mel, susanna and leslie came over to hang out. we had a good time. played with Buster a lot. it was very odd seeing Susanna again though. i hadn't seen her since Pride last summer, and as she put it, friday was the most we'd talked to one another in 2 years. insane. i can't believe my sophomores are graduating. tomorrow actually. susuanna is going off to Cornell and Mel to UofK. it makes me wonder if i'll ever see Susanna again...... a big part of me thinks i won't. how sad.

and the cicadas. how can i not talk about the cicadas? they are INSANE. looking out my window for 5 seconds i see at least a hundred fly by. there are five sitting on my window alone. it's quite amazing. the kids are delighted, as they discovered how tasty they are the other night. it was quite amusing actually. Max would try and eat them, and Amy would try and save them. she is all about some cicadas. it's cute. i'm going to miss them when they are gone. the humming has become so peaceful to me since they've been out. i'm going to miss the constant humming outside my window. i've seen them in all stages. from coming out of the ground, to coming out of it's shell, to mating. nature is simply amazing. i wanna know what cicadas do. like, i know they come out to mate, but is that all? they have to have some sort of benifit to the ecosystem (aside from making the birds in clifton incredibly happy and fat). my mother was telling me the other day that 17 years ago when they last came out, that i was enthralled with them. i would sit out with her for hours and just watch them climb up the trees and i would go hunting for their shells. i guess not much has changed in 17 years. ha. i need to get out and take some photos of them. i need to get out and take some photos in general.


ah. i finally got my grades. four A's and a C. i was worried about my Global Feminist Issues class. turning my paper in late and all. and i didn't know how she'd react to my paper in general. i still don't know how she reacted, but i ended up getting an A for the semester. which makes me happy. and i'm still thrilled about my C in Anatomy. so my GPA for this semester was 3.5. and you know what... i am much more proud of that than i am of my 3.8 last semester. because my classes this semester were much more challenging (overall) and i was learning new material as opposed to the review of last semester. so yay for that. i am starting my summer Speech class in a week i think. ugh. i'm not looking foward to being at class at 7:30 in the morning. blah. but this way it will give me flexability with work. i can still work lunch. which means i won't have to work dinner all the time. i need to talk to Tony about my schedule. i think he thinks he's doing me a favor by having me work lots of nights. he is, money wise, but i would rather make less money and get to see my girlfriend than vice versa.

ouch. my sunburn hurts. yes, i have my first sunburn of the season. Amy and i went to King's Island yesterday and spent most of our time at Boomerang Bay Waterpark. it was lots of fun. but we forgot sunblock. needless to say we spent most of last night rubbing aloe on eacother and trying our best not to touch one another. ha. so, because of my sunburn, i have been naked all day. wee! i suppose i should put on SOMETHING to clean. cleaning naked, while it sounds fun, is probably somewhat dangerous. so yes. i'm off to tackle my room.
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[14 May 2004|04:59pm]
and so i begin my adventure into the life of 20-something.
the 20's bracket seems so..... homogeneous. it's all the same.
when you are a teenager, each year brings something new. each year is like it's own bracket. when you say you are a teenager, people want to know exactly how old. but if someone says "i'm in my 20's", all curiousity is satisfied. that's good enough. because what is the difference between 22 and 26? it doesn't seem like much. i'm sure i'll be singing a different tune once i actually AM 22 and 26, but now... eh. not so much.

today has been boring. i'm almost upset i requested off of work. at least i would have been doing something productive the past 7 hours. well, i've been reading, i suppose that's productive. but, not productive enough it seems. although it has been nice to not have anything pressing to do for once....

it's just strange. i have officially started my path as an "adult". i am no longer a teenager. and the only person who is the least bit excited by it is Amy. first thing she did this morning when she woke up was whisper the birthday song in my ear and gave me a sweet "feminist" birthday card. but none of my family has even called me... or even emailed. i take that back. my lil brother IMed this morning and told me Happy Birthday. i was surprised he remembered. he said that nobody told him either. i guess since we were both born on the 14th it's easier to remember eachother's birthday.. all we gotta remember is the month. so that made me smile. i guess i'm just spoiled by my mother always at least calling me and singing wildly to my answering machine. perhaps it's the fact that i have been up all day and i forget people have lives until later in the evening.

i don't really expect my friends to remember my birthday unless i've been throwing it into conversation the 2 weeks prior. there's no real reason for any of my friends to do or say anything special for my birthday anyway. i'm so bad with birthdays. two of my best friends birthdays have passed in the past few months with no notice on my part until weeks later. so i'm not expecting much in return.
but, for their credit, Peter called me this afternoon and was like, "hey... isn't it your birthday today? if so, Happy Birthday! and if it's not til next week... just listen to this message a week from now!" so that made me happy. and Leslie, in the course of talking to her for a few minutes, realized it was my birthday. she then told Jen, who i haven't talked to in.... about a year, IMed me just to say Hi and wish me a happy birthday.


okay.... my family has redeemed itself. at least a little. my father just sent me a lil email saying happy birthday. at least it's something. i guess what i'm so sad about is my mother. she has always made a big deal of my birthdays. no matter what age i was turning. when i turned 18 she went all out. and i guess i'm just bummed out because on mother's day i went all out and sent her that really nice necklace and called her and told her how much i loved her and all that.... and i haven't talked to her at all since before mother's day. she hasn't called and everytime i call her she's not home. i even called her today. maybe i just really miss my mom. *sigh*


oh well. i bought myself a birthday present today. Buffy season 6 on DVD. it will come to me at the end of the month. and last night was incredibly nice. i guess i shouldn't hope for so many consecutive days of celebrations. and the day is young. tonight holds promises of great times. not only will it be my birthday, but amy and i will also be celebrating 8 months together. so if my birthday isn't that great, at least i can have our anniversery to fall back on to make the day great.
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[13 May 2004|05:23pm]
phew. i'm exhausted. i've been working a lot this week. my feet aren't used to running around so much anymore. thus, they feel like they will fall off. must get the wife to rub them when she gets home.
but, money is good. and i just figured it all out and i've been running about 17% a day tip wise compared to my total sales a day. which is good for just starting out. it's not the best (20% or more) but it's better than 15%, which is all i want for right now.
today i had my first shift where i didn't screw up at all. not once. with anything. all of my tables ran without a hitch. me and the kitchen were insync for the first time i think. i almost made it yesterday without a mistake, but one of my tickets got lost and thus my food was ran out incredibly late (but the good news is it wasn't MY fault). and i didn't really care at that point cuz the man at the table kept calling me "sweetie". and then, his kid, who couldn't have been more than 10 called me sweetie very emphatically before they left. that not only made me mad, but very sad at the same time. that this child is going to turn into the same "sweetie" and "honey" calling man his father is. don't get me wrong, the man was very nice... it was just the "sweetie"s. ugh. don't call me sweetie unless i know you. especially if you are a man.


i'm so bad. it always takes forever for things to heal on my body after i get hurt. i have this huge scab on my arm from when i fell down in Stacey's parking lot. correction, i HAD a huge scab. i picked it all off. i don't know what it is. i get the biggest satisfaction from picking a scab. i've always been that way. this is probably why i have more scars than i should. oops.


christina called me today. i hadn't talked to her for like... a year maybe. i saw her last summer at Pride. we see eachother at random times. it's odd. she's one of those exes who i forget is an ex. we only dated for a few months and only saw eachother a handfull of times... and it was silly. i think we only kissed like, once. a clear rebound from Kate. anyways, it took me like 5 full minutes to realize who it was when she called. i didn't recognize the number and she was just like, "hey what's up" and started talking. she's apparently going to be in cincy this weekend to party. perhaps we'll run into eachother. *shrugs*


aw. amy just called. apparently she got a promotion today. that makes me happy. she deserves it. hardcore. it's nice to see that the company finally realized just how much she does. i'm so proud of my girl. this is just what she needed. it will make a lot of things so much easier for her. thus i am taking us out to Outback for dinner. mmmmm. alice springs chicken here i come!


so i'm quite happy with my body recently. i knew as soon as i started working that i'd start losing weight. apparently it happened rather quickly. i know there's been a noticable change because amy said something about it last week. i couldn't even get her to acknowledge the fact (verbally to me) that i'd gained so much weight since we first met. so when she told me she could see a definite change in my stomach and thigh region, i knew something was right. i guess that is one thing i've always liked about my body. as long as i am working (if it's a job where i'm on my feet and moving), it's so much easier for me to maintain my normal body weight/shape. it simply boils down to the fact that i don't have as much time to sit around and eat. which is a good thing. i asked her today if i was back to the weight i was when we first met (because i honestly couldn't remember what i looked like then) and she said give it 2 more weeks (at the rate i've been loosing), and i'll be even thinner than when we first met. this makes me happy. i would like to be able to get back to how i was during the summer last year. i was skiiiiiiiiny. well, skinny for me and my build. my body is not capable of being "typically skinny", i accepted that a long time ago. but i don't want to be stereotypically skinny. i like having curves and some meat on me. i will always be "thick", so to speak. but i did not like how i got over the winter. that was moving too much into "fat" territory for me. so yes, my goal is to get back to how i was last summer. withOUT the depression and doing nothing but smoking cigarettes and pot all the time and only eating a sandwhich or some fries all day. i want that weight, but with happiness, a simi balenced diet, and a cut back on the cigarettes. and without the pot at all. then i will be able to look in the mirror and totally smile.


hm. it appears as if i've run out of things to say. *gasp* amy won't be home for another hour. i think i'll sit down and read some. recently, i've forgotten what free time is like, so i don't remember what i used to do. ha. reading sounds like a good idea. yup.
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[10 May 2004|01:54pm]
done with this semester. woot woot.

made over 200 bucks this weekend.
serving rocks my socks.

tired as shit and want to go to sleep, but have to work tonight.
at least i'm first cut.


it really... i don't know... bugs me. when people take what i say/write the wrong way. it always happens. i always end up offending someone somewhere somehow with what i write in this damn thing. people take what i write, interpret it, and it gets all out of context and then spreads around to other people who get upset by it. and why? over what? nothing.
i don't know why i bother being so open and honest in this thing. it always comes to bite me in the ass. even when i write about stupid shit, random things and people on my mind, somebody somewhere will decide to make a big deal about it. a big deal about nothing.
when i get nostalgic over my past, it doesn't mean anything profound. it means i am thinking about/wondering about people who USED to be a big part of my life. simply wondering what they are doing and how they are. nothing more.
why do people have such a problem with me staying connected to people in my past? why does that automatically mean that i'm "not really in love" with who's in my present or that "i've convinced myself that i'm in love"? and why do people who don't even know me analyizing my random words into who i am and how i feel? who the hell are you to think you know the first thing about how i feel or who i am? you are no one. i know you were just looking out for a friend but jesus. why must you think the worst? about someone you don't even know? that's bullshit. it's all bullshit.
i am so fucking tired of people telling me and everyone else how i feel. or how i'm supposed to feel. or what i'm supposed to do or how i should act or whatever. if people can't take me for who i am, then don't fucking take me at all. i cling to my past because i am terrified of forgetting and making the same mistakes over and over. i cling to my past because there are certain people who had huge impacts on my life and it's impossible to forget them. i cling to memories of those i once knew. but i do NOT cling to past love. everyone has their own history and past. everyone has their own demons and own skeltons in their closets. why single me and mine out?

ah. fuck it all. i hate this thing sometimes. and fuck all the drama loving bitches that talk about things they don't know jack shit about.
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because i can.... [10 May 2004|01:27pm]

I did it in 32 seconds.
I deserved a B-!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!
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[07 May 2004|03:49pm]
this makes me incredibly happy.... and totally makes all the pain and suffering (not to mention massive hand cramp) all worth it....

the response to my email from my women's lit professor:

You got more than 100 pts. because every question had an extra credit
possibility for really good or especially insightful answers, and a few
people picked up some extra points here and there. Your answers were
fantastic and you picked up lots of extra points. You got a 115 and the next
highest score was 98. So you kind of shattered the class average, and thus
the "oh man" I didn't mean anything all that profound by it. I was most impressed by your second essay on marriage. You did a great job applying the larger trends that we had discussed to specific examples that we didn't necessarily cover indepth.


she went on to tell me that i made the course a lot more fun and interesting for her, and that i'm a great reader and should definitely give the english major a thought.

oh, how i love praise from professors. i'm such a dork. but this is what i live for... putting my best effort and thought into things i feel passionatly about, and in turn getting recognized for it. i think i crave praise from professors because i never really got that in highschool too much. my class was full of these incredibly smart/intellectual geniuses that hogged all the praise for themselves. and now, i am getting a chance to shine.

it absolutely kills me that the next highest score was a 98. i can almost garuntee that was LA. what kills me is that she is like, this intellectual feminist genius. she was always bringing up these amazingly profound topics in class and i was kinda in awe of her the whole semester. and i kept thinking there is no way i am going to be able to outdo this woman on this final. (not that its a compition mind you, that's just how my mind works). so... needless to say, i am just overly impressed with myself. *pats self on back*

note: this bragging post is only to make myself feel better about the fact that my paper for Global Feminist Issues is STILL not finished, is a day late, and is not the best work i could have done.
that is all.
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[07 May 2004|03:34am]
i have just come to the relaztion that Michelle Clunie (Melenie from Queer As Folk) is an extreme hottie.

i took a break from research to see Mean Girls tonight. Lindsay Lohan is an extreme hottie as well. i also just had a thought. is the girl who plays her friend in Mean Girls, Janis, also the girl who played her friend in the remake of Freaky Friday? they look an awful lot alike....

*sigh*

paper is still not close to being done. at least i've started writing it. i have a page now. only 4 more pages to go. i really need to stop waiting til the last minute to do huge things. it's not good for my health. i've smoked about a pack of cigarettes today, drank an entire 2 liter of mt. dew and a pot of coffee. not to mention my ass literally hurts from sitting on it all day infront of this computer. at least i don't have to wake up tomorrow until the evening if i don't want to. though i'd like to wake up at least a lil bit before Amy gets home so i can finish my abnormal psych take home final.

ah well. break over. time to get back to writing about lesbians around the world.

edit 4 am: i'm such a fuckin whimp. my brain is fried. i don't think i can pull an allnight with this. i know i will regret this hardcore tomorrow, but i think i'm just going to go to sleep now. finish this shit in the morning. ugh. and to think i was actully looking foward to writing this a few weeks ago. no amount of coffee can keep me up any longer. global lesbianism will have to wait til the morning. oy. mary is going to kill me for turning this in so late....
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[06 May 2004|07:23pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | icarus - ani ]

i want to take a moment to do a little dance.

i got an 83 on my anatomy final.
(this is a good thing. i'd been averaging in the 60s.)
this means i got a C in the class!
(i didn't think i'd be able to pull it off!)

::does a little dance::

also....

i got an A+ on my women's lit final.
115 points out of a hundred.
i didn't even know there was extra credit!
on blackboard (where my grade is), it has my points for the exam followed by "oh, man..." .
i wanna know what the oh man is about. i emailed her. hopefully she'll email me back.


::does another little dance::

this is just what i needed.

i'm still nowhere CLOSE to being finished with my research paper though. who'da thunk a paper on Lesbianism from a Global Perspective would be so hard? i guess considering since 1/2 the world doesn't even acknowledge it exists... that would make it fairly challenging. so even though this paper will be turned in hardcore late, i still have the previous good things to keep me happy and motivated.

plus i have tomorrow night to look foward to.
Amy and i are going out to dinner, then to see Van Helsing and then heading over to Stacey's apartment to "knock off and get drunk" with a few others and play a drunken round of Taboo! it's gonna kick so much ass.

all i have to do is get through this paper...... then i'm home free. i can do it. i can do it.

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[06 May 2004|12:02pm]
ha... speaking of that time in my life, and Ali and Jill.... i just found my notebook from Freshman year. it's full of random french and geometry notes.... shittons of bad poetry...and more importantly... unsent letters. including one to Alison. that's the first one i read in fact. funny.... i was so young then... so incredibly young. this single notebook holds so many memories it's insane. mostly revolving around Jillian. damn that girl. she controled every aspect of my head, heart and soul for so long. and i didn't even MEET her until last summer. that is what kills me. how can a person who you've never met have so much power? have so much meaning? i thought it was real back then... i thought she was it. she was the love of my life. and i guess, if it was real to me... then that makes it real. she had always had this hold over me... for 5 years she always held this space in my heart and head as "the one". i guess when i finally met her, that space dissapeared. i like to hold onto things and people for far too long. like Susanna. at least she was *real*. she was tangible. she was mine for that time we were together and i got to SEE her and TOUCH her for that time. it made sense that she had this hold over me for so long. i never really got over her until i knew she was happy with someone that i loved and trusted. i don't know why i'm in this memory lane type mood today. all i want to do is sit and live in the past right now. this is bad. bad bad bad. why couldn't this have hit me tomorrow? when i have the entire day off to do whatever i please? bah. things always hit me at the wrong times.
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[06 May 2004|11:30am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | the promise ~tracy chapman ]

so this guy just IMed me. i haven't talked to him in years.
it was this guy Alison had a class with when she was in highschool. she gave him my screen name and we chatted a few times. but as i lost touch with Alison, we stopped talking. it's prolly been.....3 or 4 years since i've talked to him.... and even longer since i've talked to alison. but... the point is to all this...... i really want to get in contact with Alison again. i want to get in contact with a lot of people again. the last time i heard from Alison she called from a payphone at Burger King, and the call only lasted for 3 minutes because she ran out of change. and that was the last time i heard anything from her. that random call was about a year after we had stopped talking too. probably back sometime in my sophomore or junior year.
i think about Ali alot. everytime i think of florida, i think of her. and with Amy and i planning this florida vacation, i've been thing about Alison more than usual. and now with this guy randomly IMing me.... it's like Alison overload. i hate that i have no idea what happened to her. last i heard she was going through rough times. this guy hasn't heard anything about her since she graduated. i've wanted to send her a letter for years now... to her old address. i just know it'd get returned though. i think that would upset me. it makes me want to find my box of letters from that time. and just read through them. get out the pictures from us at the magic kingdom, and from the parking lot infront of my hotel.

i always wonder... do these people ever think about me? the only person from the time in my life that i know ever thinks about me is Jill. and that's just cause we call eachother randomly every few months or so just to let eachother know that we haven't forgotten one another. i've always loved her for that, cuz she doesn't just dissapear. i wonder if Ali ever thinks of me. just in passing. or randomly. if she thinks of me anytime someone says something about Kentucky. same thing with Amber. i think about her sometimes. last i heard from her i was a sophomore in highschool and i was dating Kate. she called after a year of dissapearence, just to say hey. it was nice. she was my first afterall.... my first *girl* anything. even though it wasn't *real*, it was real to me. she was a major event in my life... but i know i wasn't in her's. so it always makes me wonder if she thinks about me.

online relationships are so strange. especially when you are so young. even online friendship are strange. because they are so easy to just cut. i guess that's why so many people prefer them. but that's what upsets me about them. i don't like the fact that it would probably be really damn hard to track Alison down. even harder to track Amber down. because who knows what Alison did after highschool? she could be in a different state now. and Amber moved around so much just in the time that we were friends, i wouldn't know where the hell to begin.

eh. sorry for the ramble. talking to that guy just brought up so many different memories and thoughts it's insane. not what i needed right now. i have this paper to write. no, i haven't started on it yet. i came home yesterday after i found out i didn't have to work and paaaassssssssed the fuck out until like, 8. then i ate dinner with Amy, and then we got into a lil tiffy about me smoking pot, so when we got it all resolved, i just wanted to fall asleep with her. so i did. so, not it's down to crunch time. i have six and a hlaf hours to right a 5 page research paper about Lesbianism around the world. think i can do it? guess we'll find out......

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coming around the home stretch.... [05 May 2004|02:11pm]
i think the hard part is now over.
first day of finals today. Women's Lit and Anatomy.
Women's Lit: not too difficult. was open note, so i didn't have to actually study. i DID however have to write out 8 pages worth of information longhand. do you know how long it has been since i've written out anything close to that longhand with an actual pencil and paper? craziness! but i do believe i kicked ass.
Anatomy: oy. was up til 5 am last night typing a 17 page study guide from my notes and past practice quizes. unfortunatly i forgot to include the last 3 chapters we covered in that study guide, so for about 1/4 of the test, i was practically screwed. i do believe i did quite well on the rest of it though. here's hoping. I have a solid C in the class right now. I have to get at least get a C on the final to barely squeek by with a final grade of a C (that is, if all my calculations were correct. *crosses fingers*). here's hopin!

tonight, i am on call at Applebee's. Stacey was making fun of me monday. "Surgons are on call. Psychiatrists are on call. What the hell does a waitress need to be oncall for???" i agree with her. i think it's stupid, and it only stresses me out the days that I am oncall, because i can't plan anything or space my timing correctly. especially tonight. i have my research paper due for my Global Feminst Issues tomorrow afternoon at 3. i have not started on it at all. not even the research aspect of it. if i have to work tonight... i think i will cry. cuz that means another allnighter right backtoback, and twice as much work to be done. I was only COPYING NOTES last night and it took me 8 hours! so hopefully i won't have to work, and hopefully i can go home and take a nap before i start researching and writing so i will at least have some fuel to get it done tonight. if i have to work.... i will literally have to inject caffine into my viens to stay awake. i might have to break down and get some gas station speed. i hate that shit. i've only taken it once and coming down from it was horrendous. bah.

but the good news is, after tonight/tomorrow morning, all the difficult and annoying shit will be done with.
i will have ALL damn day Friday to do whatever the hell i want. which will probably be finishing my take home final for Abnormal Psych. the final isn't until monday. and since my anthropolgy professor treats his students like 3rd graders, and gives us all the answers in the correct order for the final, i can just look at that right before the actual exam and ace it with little to no stress.
i will be closing the store Saturday night, which means shittons of money. and working for the better part of the Mother's Day dinner rush, which again means shittons of money. rock.

speaking of Mother's Day, i bought my mom a really awesome present. i've never spent so much money on a present (except for Amy's Rams Hoodie) before. It's a silver necklace with a little motherhood symbol. it just called out to me. it's getting sent to her in a beautiful red box with a fancy bow and everything. i'm really excited. i love getting/doing things for my mother cuz she never expects it. i love surprising her. or anybody for that matter. and it feels really good to be able to get her something of substance that means something, is pretty, and will also last forever. by no means did i have to spend $60 on a Mother's Day gift, but it felt good to. because i can now. i have the money to do that now. it's so nice to have my own money. and it's going to feel even nicer when Amy and I go down to Orlando and i can pay for my own way without anyhelp from anybody. i like feeling a little slice of independence.

so that about sums up the past few weeks. stressing over school and working a lot. welcome to my life. ha. interesting as hell, ain't it? ;)
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[30 Apr 2004|05:00pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | birds chripping outside ]

stolen from [info]nostarsinsight
1. go to your 23rd post (or closest)
2. go to the fifth sentence in that post (or the closest)
3. post that sentence...

(i decided to post a sentence from each year i've had a livejournal.)

Dec. 19th 2001
susanna: well, it could be one of those really fancy manifestations, where i could just HALLUCINATE whenever i wanted to.

Jan. 1, 2002
but i remember....when they would show the scenes where it was just a woman by herself...or two women together...i would start feeling really funny...and i would force myself to not watch it. but then i would catch myself wanting to see it...and end up watching it.

Feb 19, 2003
it is non-smoking. no pets. no phone. no a/c.

Feb 23, 2004
i thank god that i have a mother such that i do, who cares for me and love me no matter what.

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[19 Apr 2004|05:28pm]
i got bored. so i decided to make a boring quiz. i did this about a year ago. that one was much more fun. this one is boring, but i did it anyway. and i expect at least one person to take it. any one person will do.
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
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[19 Apr 2004|04:40pm]
[ music | ani - dilate ]

remember me bitching about stress and too much to do?
well i cracked yesterday.
and again this morning. hardcore.
i woke up, and my mind was swirling around so fast that i couldn't actually GET up. i just started bawling. i threw the biggest tantrum for myself. and i couldn't calm down. once i did i just past out. so i missed all my classes. again.
i decided that i should take a break from work. try to explain that i had too much going on with school and i thought i could juggle it all, but i can't. and try to see if they could take me off the schedule until i was done with finals and then pick up where i left off. and i actually called Applebee's today, and told one of the managers that. that alone was hard as hell for me to do. i have mass amounts of trouble standing up for myself and asking for things that i know inconvience others. he said he'd call me right back. but instead the GM of the store called me back. that in itself made me incredibly nervous because i've only talked to him a few times, and he doesn't seem as laid back as the other managers. i explained again to him my situation. of course he had to preface his part of the conversation by telling me that first off he would love to see me stay with the company and that i'd done a wonderful job in training and that he thinks i would flourish as a server and add a greatdeal to the store. so that made me feel more obligated to comprimise. which is what i did. i got him to take me off the schedule for today and tomorrow, but i'd fullfill the rest of my shifts this week. and he said that he'd only schedule me for 2 or 3 shifts during the week until i was completely finished with the semester and finals.
it's not what i wanted, but it helps a lot. i was mainly concerned with this project that's due on wednesday, and now i'll be able to finish it without constantly breaking down because i have to work. which is good. and i already asked for the two days before my research paper is due off, so that helps as well.
at least he realized, when looking at my schedule, just how many shifts i was supposed to be working this week. he said he didn't know why he scheduled me like that, because i was just out of training and i had more shifts scheduled than almost anybody. the biggest problem with me being taken off the schedule completely was because i wasn't completely done with training yet, and since i'd never served before, that when i came back, i'd have to go through another 3 or 4 days of training to reacclamate myself.
i am proud of myself though. he kept saying that if i could cover the shifts for today and tomorrow, he could get the rest of the week covered. i had to fight for those days off, and i actually got them. i'm surprised that i didn't break down and give in. i'm surprised that i even said anything at all. they boasted about how flexible they were in all the training videos... so i guess they weren't lying. he was very nice throughout the entire conversation and made an effort to at least sound like he cared and sympathized. i'm so used to getting shot down when i ask for any type of special request. i was so afraid of calling and saying anything because i was thinking i'd get the response, "well you should have thought about that before you applied, and if you can't work what your scheduled then just don't bother coming back at all." fucking Penn Station. that's where i get that from. that fear of asking because i continually got shot down. fuck that company. fuck 'em all.
i really do enjoy Applebee's. and i kept wanting to stress that. i'm glad that i still have a job. and i'm glad that i was able to at least get the time to finish this project and that i won't be working every single day while school is still in session.

then why am i still nervous?
i get so nervous when i stand up for myself. or when i confront anybody about anything. it's insane. and it's always the worst right afterwards. i was all shaky and started crying after i got off the phone with him. ugh. i'm nuts. i need to work on that. along with everything else about me.

ugh. now i have to email my professors and explain why i wasn't in class friday OR today. shoot me now please.

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[18 Apr 2004|02:04am]
oy.
i picked the worst time in the world to decide to get a job.
who starts a job, a serving job no less, 2 weeks before finals?
when she has a huge art project due on wednsday, a research paper due next week, and a major anatomy exam in both lab AND lecture? plus all her finals?
and she has to work next week everyday except friday and wednsday. all day long on tuesday and possibly saturday?

i must be suicidal.

i'm starting to get worried about Amy. it's almost 2 am. i know she went to a concert tonight while i was at work... but i figured it'd be over by the time i got off work. that was at midnight. i can't imagine a concert going until 2 am. i've called her twice since i got off work with no answer. is that being overbearing? i suppose i'm just not used to being home, awake, and alone so late at night and not knowing where my girlfriend is.

i'm so damn exhausted. i was mostly on my own tonight at work. i handled a 9 person party, half of which arrived later than everyone else, and who all wanted seperate checks. and i did it all by myself. they were incredibly nice. i wish every party could be that nice. too bad i am still training, i still don't get any tips. but Mark (my trainer) was a doll and tipped me out $15 tonight even though he didn't half to. i think i'm gonna be a good server.... i just gotta learn the details of the menu and computer. then i'll be set. woot woot. just as long as my feet don't fall off first.....

oh goodie. amy just called. apparently the concert DID last that long. damn. 4 hours worth of music. she's gonna be home in about 5 minutes though. this makes me very happy.
screw trying to actually design this wallpaper for my project... the description is all convoluted and there is no patter whatsoever.... i think i'm just going to design as i go. i guess it'll take a lil longer that way... but it would take awhile to actually design this bitch. WHY am i an overachiever sometimes? i picked the absolute worst time to be an over achiever. if you people could see all i am doing for this damn project, you'd think i was insane. i could have just taken a few random pictures or written a lousy poem. but noooooo.... i had to go all crazy artistic and shit. build a three walled set. design and paint on the crazy wallpaper.... and design it so that the paper can be eaily ripped off..... take a SHITLOAD of artsy fartsy pictures.... edit them to no end digitally... and create a powerpoint presentation of said edited pictures complete with text to go along with each picture. this is the above mentioned project due on wednsday. i have to do everything but build the walls tomorrow. shoot me please!
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