| sunburn'n'blissininy |
[Aug. 10th, 2003|07:36 pm] |
we went to the 107th annual humboldt county fair, it was pretty fun to look at all the bunnies and i probably pet at least every other goat. goats are so much cooler than sheep and cows. personality wise, anyways. goats can give milk, meat, hide, and even their sheared angora fur (from the special angora goat). sheep and cows are more skittery. goats are more mischevious. you should see how cute the pygmy goats at the petting zoo were. they were so tiny! pygmys are just wonderful pets. these cows i saw... were insanely huge, they must've been bred to be gigantaur milk cows. i saw a goat milking contest. i saw sheep that wore coats to keep their wool nice and i saw giant garbage bags of unwashed wool selling for $1.50 to $9 a lb. i saw a prize winning head of cabbage and some amazing flowers. i boughta really great new scarf, handmade, only $8. it's aquamarine in the center and fades to blue at both ends. i dig it. and we both got wristbands and rode all the rides. twice.
then we drove all the way up to arcata and got some weed from some hippies on da block. now we're back here, watching the wonderful world of disney. but we just changed the channel. we don't have enough weed for disney... maybe animal planet.
awwe, i can't wait 'till i get to have some cool ass goats. and i think that the humboldt fair should definately have the best local nug competition along with the fruits and veggies and leafy greens and flowers. right across from the booth where i bought my scarf, i saw the best homebrew category taking up a whole wall. i think weed would fit right in, if it's ever legalized, and i hope it joins the tradition of the fair. hehee. |
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| ooh |
[Aug. 8th, 2003|08:13 pm] |
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found a motel w/dsl |
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| two days |
[Jul. 30th, 2003|01:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thai iced tea | ] |
| [ | music |
| | healthy panic | ] | how can i be restless and bored when i have so much to do?
we're leaving in like two days. i've gotta clean and pack like a banshee.
we just went out to thai lunch with nui's deaf grandfather, and i'm stuffed full of thai mint leaves chili chicken and i have to clean the entire kitchen beautifully and it's such a wreck, with mold and all that, and i know someone can empathize, it's hard to get right into the swing of things when you're stuffed with thai chili chicken. i just want april to call me back. she called during lunch and said she'd call back in an hour or two. i need motivation and confronting the fact that i'm leaving by having a farewell soiree with my friends, as backwards as it sounds, will motivate me to rip apart all my boxes and figure out what i truly neeeeed to live well, or at least fairly well. somewhat well. well-ish. i want to give flowers and cards to all the people who helped support me in this town, webdaddie and his beloved wife, their beloved accountant, and nui's beloved grandmother, none of whom i could've survived without.
two days. i can't believe it, two days. he's right, nui is... we've gotta go, no questions asked, before it's too late. it is a time issue. but it's like so soon! two days! i don't want to clean the bloody fucking kitchen, i did it the last four times. but i've got to. it's all i can think about. two days. moldy dishes and burnt on onion grease. two days. rancid dishwater. two days. i-dont-wanna-do-it-all-by-myself-cause-i'm-a-big-pansy-ass. two days. what am i going to wear. two days. what state do we leave the apartment in? two days. we need to rent a u-haul trailer. two days. a week offline. get an apartment. get a phone. dial-up, order cable or dsl... two days. don't be afraid. it's only two days. |
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| woo this shit stinks |
[Jul. 28th, 2003|04:46 pm] |
i'm dyeing my hair
what color?
i don't know
lighter-ish
i've got roots
i must eliminate them!
but damn i think i'm dying
this shit stinks
ps will attempt before and after if deemed appropriate |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2003|04:20 pm] |
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april, elijah and the weed smoking zen master just showed up behind us in the car! i'm so happy! |
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| sunrise on grey skies |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|07:20 am] |
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nui had to be at work at SIX in the morning, that's why i'm up so early. i knew i probably would stay up when he left. i tried to go back to sleep. alittle bit. heh, oh well. this is fun. i hope nui has a great day. one nice thing is that he gets off at one, so he's gonna meet me at my doctors appt.... i've been bleeding for 2 wks straight... these damn birth control pills. i've got to go see about that. hopefully they can do something for me. |
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| kazaa ownz a little piece of my soul |
[Jul. 23rd, 2003|07:20 am] |
sometimes you download a song on kazaa and it has weird awful noises embedded in it. some copyright protection thing. the thing with kazaa and napster and all this music theivery is that... well, we just can't afford new music, what with today's prices. and don't say oh the prices went up because of napster because it was already getting to like 17 bucks for a new cd when napster got big enough to be worthwhile. it's like starving people stealing bread. you can cut off the hands of the ones you catch, but everybody's still gotta eat. we just can't afford to keep getting new cds at the rate they spit them at us. and if you do have money enough to throw around casually at tower records, the cool thing is that you can preview music online to see if the deep cuts make it worth while to blow 20 bucks anyhow. when you know you want a cd you know you want it. right now i would love to get some coldplay, radiohead, jason mraz, john mayer, jack johnson and as soon as nelly furtado comes out with her next album. do you ever download songs just to look good? like, i feel like i ought to have some jazz classics even if im not familiar enough to know what's good.... it's sad when you click see more from >user and they have a bunch of cool music but instead of jazz classics it's punctuated with pink, mandy moore, and kelly clarkson. or a rack of bad eighties music or something equally terrifying. and you figure they are probably pretty cool, they just have this secret penchant for bad pop music. that's ok. we all have our moments, dancing around, in our underwear, singing "why do ya build me up, baby, just to let me down..." or "at first i was afraid, i was petrified...." you always could tell alot about a person by their music collection.
i wanna hear some good songs, ones that put lumps in my throat or make my heart feel like it's gonna explode, or that i have jumping beans in my toes and a bouncy rubber bum. let me see here..... |
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| it always is - it's just one of those things |
[Jul. 21st, 2003|01:09 pm] |
looking for an apartment in humboldt county online
exauhsting and frustrating are the best adjectives |
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| farts and tickles |
[Jul. 17th, 2003|10:20 am] |
so we went up the mountain the other day
nui just got the truck insured after it had been in the garage for a long time.
and we immediately went to our favorite place: the mountains
maybe not the smartest thing to take a truck that hasnt been driven in a long time up a steep hill but we did because it's so beautiful up there we couldn't resist
but the visual beauty didn't match the physical surroundings: it was so bloody hot.
we only stayed a few minutes. we smoked one bowl and then decided
lets just leave this place of flies [and sun] and tomorrow we will go
to the water hole known as redrock. and if it is this hot we will just jump in.
wonderful idea! put away the air mattress, put your shirts back on, get in the truck.
wanna smoke one more bowl in the shade in the truck with the doors open? yeah. ok.
halfway through the bowl we start up the truck but it doesn't start, she just turns over a few times worworwoorwoorwooorwoooor you know the one that gets progressively longer as you wear out your battery trying to start the car over and over? yeah that one.
i'm still smoking the bowl nui tries again, a look of consternation waves over his face.
i pass him the bowl and he hits it and passes it back, then tries to start her again, and again once more. i cash the bowl and look up through the smoke. wait, i'm done smoking, but i still see smoke. hey that's outside the glass.... oh shit. nui... it's smoking.
i say, and point outside, where it's fuming. shit we both think, of course, it's so hot out.
maybe the heat had something to do with it.... we jump out and he tries to open the hood of the truck and gets singed. he grabs a rag and pops the hood up and *poof*!
flames are coming out of the engine pan. well i suppose in all actuality it's not too bad of a thing, i mean we just got her filled up and the engine got flooded when we tried to start it at first. the fire was hopefully like instant cumbustion. hopefully it didn't melt anything important. the lights won't come on now but we didn't try them before since it got back, and the spedometer doesn't work coming out of the shop either. at any rate
we got the fire out with a combination of smothering and removing the airfilter. we poured a dixiecup of ice on the cover of the engine pan, maybe not the smartest thing but it seemed to help. then we drank a juice while we waited for the engine to clear up.
finally, she started, and we rolled back down the hill. everything was gonna be fine.
nui kept his head during the whole thing he didn't even get very upset over it.
later on we came home and had a big fun game of farts and tickles haha i lurve fahts ahnd tickwles. today it's a couple days later, and i've gotta get ready to go, we're gonna go down and swing by the mechanics and see what he thinks about the melty electrical system and then we have to get up to coffeeshoppe asap to meet with mz masta eM she's borrowed her mom's jeep and we're all going to redrock. ROCK ON! i'm gonna jump innnn hahaha i'm excited ok nui's pacing i gotta go now peace out Lj. Yt, teddie |
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| im like christina aguilera, dude. i am beautiful no matter what they say. |
[Jul. 10th, 2003|08:30 am] |
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hehehe... some poor piece of trash is having the time of their life posting disparaging little comments on my journal. now i'm all for free speech, and i'm definately hardened from allowing anonymous (and they always are) cowardly critics to bring me down, ever. so they may carry on having tons of fun slandering webcam girls, cuz i know it's fun.. i would just like to see, for once, one of those beligerant types post their name, link to a profile, or even keep their own personal website. open up, put it all out there, display their innermost loves and hates and deepest twisted mental pre-versions, expose everything for dinner and take anonymous criticism for dessert. i'd like to see just one of them do what i do. actually... come to think of it now, remember www.daign.com ? i fekkin laughed my ass off at that website and could've standed being on it :) someone who can take the piss out of a webcam girl with style and panache, and leave and replyto email tag on the end of the piece. rock on. |
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| confessions of a found soul |
[Jul. 9th, 2003|10:28 am] |
i had a really good time yesterday
when i came home from craigs nui sat down and said 'i don't think i want to date you any more' and then proceeded to tell me why.
basically what happened was that... well i have been pushing him away because i think i've been afraid of really being comitted. and when he said that's it toots, it made me realize how much i truly love and adore him and want him in my life. i begged him to give it another chance and he was a pushover, 'cause he loves me too. *smile*
so we went for a long walk and talked it all out and in the end we ended up much closer. we took alittle acid we had laying around and laughed and played all day, until the evening hours when our pot finally arrived when we smoked a bowl and then layed in bed giggling and practicing a thousand ways of kissing.
people out there watching my cam might not know this from looking at him, but he's really smart and he's got great ideas. i think he's incredibly beautiful.... i mean obviously he's handsome, dark and tall... but to me... when i was tripping i saw his hair glows as eyes of peacock feathers and his skin as the finest purple silk and he is draped in jewels and gold as royalty.
my favorite thing is when he gives me big hugs and kisses me on the forehead and takes care of me even though im totally capable of taking care of myself.
i love him. |
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| i feel ill |
[Jul. 8th, 2003|10:48 am] |
craig fined me 65 bucks for a digitizer he had to buy, because i couldn't find this unused one while i was moving. somehow, it doesn't feel right. maybe i'm just being a whiny little biznatchie but i'm so bummed out that he feels the need to 'punish' me. i mean, if he's that broke, where 65 bucks is gonna blow his wad, hey, i can take pity of him. pathetic people have taken me for worse. i'm pathetic myself that way. but before i left i was in utter havoc, and he's calling me demanding i turn up this little piece of equipment when i can't even see the floor for other people's mess. circumstances beyond my control did not allow for me to have easy access to this thing. and he's all, i want it NOW adora.
HAVE A LITTLE FUCKING HEART, OK? give me a break.
i found the damn thing 1 fucking day too late and he charges me for it.
i don't know how i managed to get out of being charged for all the crappy computer equipment like he does to everyone else. probably because i always used my own equipment. for YEARS i've been making him money and he hardly had to do a thing, never designed a website, didn't have to buy equipment. even when he finally brought in real cameras and a computer for my apartment, it was used, always used equipment, coming from an ex-subjects house.
every time he'd ask me to do work for lifecams, and i know he's not paying me for my hours, so i balk and i say hey you want me to do work you buy me a cheap desktop machine for work. why should i have to do buisness clicking on my personal laptop that i bought with my own money? and he always comes back with "well y ou have to show me what you can do and earn it" so time and time again he's eeked jobs and tasks out of me without ever returning on my investment. it's like some carrot always dangled in front of my nose, and it never comes, so i always feel like everything i do isn't good enough and i failed to 'show him' or 'prove myself' which is ironic because who can do their best design work on a flunky laptop with an off color screen? FUCK. i'm so frustrated.
there was no investment into adoracam. i had my own machines, cameras, website. he just plugged me in and turned on the cash register. i've always respected all the work done behind the scenes at lifecams and rationalized to myself that they earn their half by taking care of alot of ugly backstage bully, but when he does something outright cruel as this, to fine me for a piece of equipment that i couldn't turn up in the MIDDLE OF MOVING, that i ended up turning up while packing a couple hours too late, after he already bought another one, to fine me sixty five dollars A MONTH LATER when i really really need the money as some kind of punishment... it's just cruel. so i call him and i say hey, i have that thing can i BIKE the several miles in the hot sun over to YOUR HOUSE and bring it back to you for a REFUND i get a casual pass off, No, I don't Need it Anymore. it feels like a twisting pinch at the back of my neck. you little wench you give me what i want and when i want it NEVER MIND what you're going through my needs are the only needs that matter. and i don't need it anymore. well can i sell it back to you for fifty dollars? you will probably need it later. ummn, nope. i don't need it now. and that's what matters. why don't you go suffer now you incourigable little wench. stop wasting my time, girl who never adequately proooved herself to me. hrrumph.
oh ok well maybe i can sell it on ebay. god i could cry. i'm so agitated. i hate this place more than life itself. |
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| back to cali tomorrow |
[Jun. 30th, 2003|04:13 pm] |
we get a plane early tomorrow morning. so much has been done, it would take me awhile to sit and write it out. i was gonna make it a priority when i get back to the other side. get some distance... maybe i can remember everything, with nui's help.
i just found a huge bag of roaches in an elder's desk drawer. it's like, without me around, there is no one to smoke the roaches. now i'm back, they saved them all up, and i don't really want them any more. when i was younger, this would've been paydirt.
i have a new pastime, it's called 'guess what nui would like'. i'm worried that i'm definately doing something wrong, constantly. and the main thing i'm probably doing wrong is worrying. what's wrong with me? why can't i stop constantly aplogizing?
my mind is a bit fuddled right now. yes, i have smoked... a couple joints already today, but it's not just that. i've been vaguely (and at one point, not so vaguely) ill the entire trip and i feel really out of shape. i have it in my mind to start working out as soon as i get back, for survival reasons more than vanity. nui's gonna get a job and i'm gonna work on getting healthy and try to get something worthwhile with my website in gear before i get lost for another while. everything has been so abstract, i keep saying all i want is some version of stability. most of all i don't want to deal with any retarded people any more. |
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| 420 am, fisin pajes |
[Jun. 7th, 2003|04:14 am] |
damn it's late i drove out here in my da's fast car it was trippy kinda really scary but we made it mebbe i shoulda let nui drive but i figgered if we mess it up, better me than him, kinda. heh. so ...we stopped at the seven eleven and we were at the neighboorhood sleven kinda, where i never whent, excipt if i rilly needed a slurpee or sumthink. so anyhoo, everyone stared and i felt weird but then this guy who'd asked me for change outside (nui gave him some and he asked me as well) well he asked me to charge a pack of smokes for him because i had my atm card out. i was so startled but i just looked at him and like, he had money in his hand, i just didn't get it. he mumbled some excuse and i just said, hells naw! what if i go over on my card? i will be sorry! i can't do that. and i thought, damn you're a rediculous cracked out fool. well it's good to be back in dc, i guess. i'm at my old house, it feel slike im spinning. i forgot to mention i drank a cup of thera flu because my damn throuat still hurts (i quit smoking cigarettes, thank you (but i still smoke weed)) i got too high off the thera flu and forgot about being sick and smoked two joints. so now i'm really wasted. but... it's like the first time i think i've ever been alone in this house. the person who lives here is away till sunday woohoo what should we do? naked co-ed psychadelic banjo jamboree? it's like my old house, but i'm all grown up and i'm back and for once i have it all to myself. it's like a dream come true.
i fixed my cam, it's leading through to uh well lets just say it should be working for members. i'm just bareboning it here, kinda on the road, you know, vacation sorta... even if it feels like summerschool sometimes wid da rents you know, but ah... the real work is going on back at lchq. whoa i'm tilting seriously to the left. something must be wrong with the gravity generators. i gotta go check it out. peace out. -ado- |
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| don't worry gramma, we made it just fine |
[Jun. 3rd, 2003|03:07 pm] |
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i arrived in d.c. on sunday morning and came out of the train station with my train dark widended eyes and nothing seemed familiar. so i took the metro to my moms house and relaxed there where everything, at least on the day i arrived, seemed exactly the same, with everyone hung over going to the diner for breakfast, smoking bingers and cigarettes, hanging out in the basement. i saw everyone... even people who'd moved out were back for a visit what a lucky coincidance. then my father picked us up in his suburban and drove us to the lake house where i slept for two days. now it's raining and we're drinking hot cocoa and i'm gonna make some warm rice pudding for breakfast. (it's 3pm i guess it's a lunch time snack) we went out on the paddleboat a few times and smoked a couple joints of supergood weed with my pops and tim who haven't smoked goodbud in forever i bet, and i'm stoked to smoke the normal bud that i haven't smoked in forever cause it's still good to me. we're still talking about plans and figuring out exactly what we're gonna do. all i know is that i'm giving myself three days to relax completely and try to get healthy again because i had a really bad sore throat on the train. i have some pictures and other stuff to scan in, i have to try to figure out how to get my laptop onto their wireless network. i'm oldskool. i hope they have a cord or something. everything has been real lovely so far (my biggest motivation is to sit under a blanket and learn how to spin wool yarn) but all i've done is nap, smoke, sleep and eat. i'm taking a deep breath before i start feeling guilty enough with my lassitude to kick it into gear. |
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| soon |
[May. 28th, 2003|12:33 pm] |
we're getting on the train in a few hours and the journey will begin... i've already been through so much muck and over so many obstacles, this feels like the easiest part :)
unfortunately, i still have to pack and do all the gnasty dishes. eew! wheew. |
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| later... |
[May. 24th, 2003|10:42 pm] |
i ate a weed butter muffin and sucked my boyfriend's dick for awhile to relax. i feel much better now...
still have lots of stuff to do.... tomorrow. |
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| oops |
[May. 24th, 2003|09:23 pm] |
ive knocked down the cameraso many times in the past few years, onto hardwood even. this time i wondered if it would finally bite the big one. it didn't, but the base snapped off.
once i dropped it into a white russian and it still worked. i just had to wipe off the lens. i think the smear gave it the ethereal quality that sets my images apart.
so they say, what does not kill you makes you stronger. does that go for electronics too? |
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