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March 02, 2004
Carter Negotiates Clinton's Return to Power in Haiti
(2004-03-02) -- Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has begun top-secret negotiations with Haitian Interim President Boniface Alexandre to return Bill Clinton to power in the island republic. Mr. Clinton, a former U.S. president in his own right, ruled Haiti for several years in the mid-1990s. Mr Carter will reportedly tell the Haitian leader that Mr. Clinton has vowed to rent office space in a "predominantly African-Haitian" area in Port-au-Prince, and to bring a McDonald's restaurant franchise to the neighborhood to boost the economy. In 1994, Mr. Clinton commanded a military operation which landed Jimmy Carter on the island for so-called "negotiations" with the military ruler Raoul Cedras. Meanwhile, Mr. Clinton ordered five dozen military aircraft toward Haiti as the vanguard of an invasion force. Mr. Cedras capitulated. The planes turned back and a 15,000-person American military occupation force, under Mr. Clinton's leadership, soon took over the country. Dubbed Operation Restore Freedom, the maneuver led to the re-installation of then-and-again exiled President Jean-Bertrand Aristide as Mr. Clinton's steward. Considered one of the major triumphs of the Clinton administration, America's $2 billion investment in Haiti led to a revival of democracy and capitalism, reducing the Haitian unemployment rate to only 66 percent. Mr. Aristide is now held hostage by U.S. forces in the Central African Republic, according to itinerant international statesman the Rev. Jesse Jackson. The kidnappers are demanding an end to the bloodshed in Haiti as they torture Mr. Aristide by sticking long pins into voodoo dolls made in his image. by Scott Ott | Donate | TrackBack (0) | Comments (44) | More Satire | Printer-FriendlyComments
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I just want you to know I could have been First. Posted by: KEG at March 2, 2004 09:22 AMPut Carter in charge of the economy and Clinton in charge or moral virtue, and I don't see what could go wrong. Posted by: KJ at March 2, 2004 09:36 AMUh-HUH! And how long will it be before Clinton's McDonalds is serving Happy Meals with Aristide voodoo dolls as the toys? Posted by: GWBush at March 2, 2004 09:38 AMI hope the Nobel committee is watching. Carter and Clinton should share the Peace prize if they pull this off. Posted by: Highlander at March 2, 2004 09:39 AMFreedom is an impossibility in its purest form. oh yeah and THIRD!!! Posted by: Slynk at March 2, 2004 09:45 AMLet's kidnap Tom DeLaney and send him to Port Au Prince to "straighten" that mess up. Posted by: Lord Ho Ho at March 2, 2004 09:46 AMWell... it *was* third while I was writing - oh well Posted by: Slynk at March 2, 2004 09:48 AMSlynk, I guess that means your post was wrong twice. Freedom is a unicycle under your rear and the wind at your face. And no Haitian rebels chasing you on motorcycles. Posted by: man riding a unicycle naked at March 2, 2004 10:00 AMMr. Aristide has just been welcomed back to his native Haiti by all his well wishers. He was able to go back due to the unceasing and tireless efforts of de rev, you know, Mr. J.J.. Rather than face angry blacks that would not vote for him anyway, Mr. Bush conceeded that Mr. J.J. was a diplomate of consumate artistry and allowed J.J. and Mr. Aristide to leave the safety of the American safe house and return to his beloved Haiti.
Priceless Scott! Posted by: chaos at March 2, 2004 10:27 AM"President Bush has f'ed this one up as well, he waited far too long to act. He should have sent troops in long ago, unilaterally if necessary, to stop the killing. He just has no clue as to when to use force unilaterally, in Haiti where there is no strategic threat or interest, you act without UN approval, in Iraq where important strategic interests are at stake, he should have gone through the UN process of 2 to 3 decades of impotent blustering before he acted." - John F[] Kerry, super genius. Posted by: Frodo at March 2, 2004 10:55 AMLord HoHo: Why not take Bonnie & Friends down there as well? Just wondered. Posted by: Woodstock Willie at March 2, 2004 11:09 AMThe Carter/Clinton Legacy Tour has added more stops. I think that this is the perfect opportunity for Jesse Jackson. He could fly down to Haiti and sieze power in a serious of charming and lyrical speeches that would enthrall the population. Once in charge, since he has all the answers for the urban poor and the disenfranchised, he would lead the country to a glorious new age. Why doesn't some reporter ask Mr. Jackson if he intends to put his beliefs into practice? Posted by: K T Cat at March 2, 2004 11:35 AMI am serving Biscuits and Gravy along with Clinton VooDoo dolls and long pins. Sixteenth (whatever that means). From all that I have read and based on my sixteen plus years of Catholic education, it is obvious to me that the Catholicism of John Kerry and that of Father Aristide are very similar to each other. Perhaps rather than running for president, Kerry should seek to become the Prelate of Haiti and Aristide could be his accolyte. Posted by: Joseph at March 2, 2004 12:09 PMHere's a multiple choice question for you. Carter, Clinton, Aristide, & Jackson. This group is best described as: Hoo, boy. Two former-but-still-mouthing-off presidents (The Pusillanimous Peanut and The Priapic Perjurer), a Voodoo Priest ("deeg it, mon"), and The Mau-Mau Machine ("Have-Gall-Will-Travel" embossed on his business cards). Where's the Rev. Jim Jones and his Jolt-Cola Kool Aid when we need him? (Wow, I coulda had a V-8!!) [Correct answer: (f.] Posted by: The Great Santini at March 2, 2004 12:21 PMIt is true that Clinton was almost placed as Haiti's ruler, but he had second thoughts - he could only chase poor French-speaking black skirts there, whereas in America Bubba can chase skirts from all strata from heiresses to trailer park trash, and 120 nationalities. Also, Clinton had to consider his return to the White House as co-President if Bush is reelected and further destroys the economy by tax cuts favoring the Richest 1% and the deficits, loss of wealth and trade to China and others - make the country long for a Centrist Democrat again. So, Clinton worked out a deal with the Black Caucus while he was in the Airport VIP Lounge waiting the flight to Port-au-Prince. The deal was complicated. Since Bubba was orchestrating it, it had to be, even if Maxine Waters wasn't hearing voices and consulting her Ouija Board. Or Corinne Brown wasn't telling Bill's Asian-American Secret Service detail head that "All you whites look alike". Essentially, Bill has a switcheroo. Jimmah Carter will be escorted to Haiti, give up his American citizenship, since Haiti doesn't allow dual nationality, and become President. Ira Kurzban, Aristide's oily Jewish-American lawyer, returns as Chief Advisor and fixer of deals. Al Sharpton was seen being escorted to the airport in handcuffs and at gunpoint, according to Waters, who didn't object -since the Black Congressional Caucus hates Sharpton for failing to even be elected to ANYTHING before he went for the publicity, the gov't 5-Star Hotel pork bennies, and calling himself the head black leader. (Jesse Jackson is rumored to have orchestrated that, not Bubba). Hillary , with a fixed grin on her face on hearing of Bill's bailout, said she was delighted she wouldn't be losing Bill's companionship. John Kerry wished Carter, Kurzban, and Sharpton well, saying that Haiti's climate and internal conflict reminded him of Vietnam - which means that Carter and company can be forged into true greatness in a Band of Brothers in 4 months time or less - giving them the greatness only a few men like Kerry himself have. Posted by: Ranbutan at March 2, 2004 12:56 PMAristide kidnapped, eh? Well, then logically... we should just put him back. Announce when and where he will be returning, without American marine escort, and see what happens. Oh, yeah, and make sure that Jesse Jackson goes with him to comfort his passing into the great bullet-riddled beyond. Posted by: Fr. Guido Sarducci at March 2, 2004 01:08 PMTo win their battles and independence the Haitian rebels in 1803 swore allegiance to Satan for 200 years. Time is up Satan. Posted by: Jericho at March 2, 2004 02:41 PMI'm with Father Guido Sarducci - I just can't believe it took 26 posts to arrive at this conclusion. The first post should have read something like,
Did you see that pufferfish powder the voodoo doctors use? Catatonia, brain-damage.. by God, I think I'm on to something here.. Posted by: bahabuddha at March 2, 2004 03:53 PMPerfect for Clinton! He digs the brown sugar and Hillary will have to bust balls from afar. Posted by: Billy Reno at March 2, 2004 03:54 PMI agree Posted by: Bill "I did not have sexual relations with that woman Hillary Clinton" Clinton at March 2, 2004 04:16 PMRanbutan Wrote: "Also, Clinton had to consider his return to the White House as co-President if Bush is reelected and further destroys the economy by tax cuts favoring the Richest 1% and the deficits, loss of wealth and trade to China and others - make the country long for a Centrist Democrat again." You're slipping, Ranbutan. It took 19 posts before you found a chance to be a fellow Marxist and bash Bush. BTW: Clinton was never a centrist Demoncrat. Clinton was a proud student of Marx and Lenin. Father Guido wrote: "Oh, yeah, and make sure that Jesse Jackson goes with him to comfort his passing into the great bullet-riddled beyond." Father: SEND CARTER WITH THEM! Posted by: purple raider at March 2, 2004 05:20 PMpurple raider - Right, all democrats and moderate Republicans are commies. Students of Marx and Lenin. You, on the other hand, are just a harmless fascist whacko who sees Communists under your bed. Posted by: Ranbutan at March 2, 2004 06:07 PM28th (whtaever that means). There are agents from T.H.R.U.S.H. under MY bed. And sometimes the good-looking ones.... You, on the other hand, are just a harmless fascist whacko who sees Communists under your bed. It is only my deep respect for Scott Ott that is preventing me from making an extremely witty remark at your expense, Ranbutan. That, and the fact that I haven't been deleted for such a long time and I don't want to ruin my perfect record. It's just killing me. Posted by: Cassandra at March 2, 2004 06:17 PMAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!! Posted by: Cassandra at March 2, 2004 06:18 PMAh a personal attack, oh how will I live with myself. Oh the shame, oh the horror. I'm a fascist whacko, eh? O.K. Let's see the track record of Communism/Socialism. Germany - 6 million Jews (at least) and countless others. Soviet Union - at least 30 million people killed. Vietnam - at least 2 million. Cambodia - at least 2 million. North Korea - at least 2 million and the country is a slave labor camp. We still don't know the score from Cuba, China, Hungary, Poland, East Germany, Czech Republic, Yugoslavia, and Iraq (yes Saddam was a socialist). So, yeah maybe I get a little paranoid when someone offers me a worker's paradise. Just called my wife, still no Commies under my bed. Darn, need to get my quota up this week. BTW: Aristide was a Marxist too! (trying to stay on topic) Toodles! Posted by: purple raider at March 2, 2004 06:57 PMi suspect the jews... wait comical rummy has left town. fascist right wingers like hitler,franco,the south american juntas,cousin benny et al.. and the serbs dont count i guess. mao in china is obviously neglected and the wake johnson and nixon left in vietnam wont be included either.?? how many chinese dead due to the emperor who we let walk?? everone [stinks] including brother pile on and how much for an mp position in the new haitian government as i hit a nice trifecta today?? notice i mentioned the word brother, as in maculine,sonny?? kiddin babe Jesus loves hostages! mikeg, you WON a trfecta and you want to be an MP. Save your money, two goats, a chicken and a weenie dog ought to get the job done. I have never understood the phrase right wing fascist. Hitler was head of the National Socialist German Workers party. From where I sit command and control state ownership of industry economies are way over there on the left. Hope you are feeling better after your "procedure". peace brother Posted by: Pile On at March 2, 2004 07:53 PMUnless I missed the sarcasm... And wasn't Mao a communist? Again, totalitarian leftist. Posted by: Masked Menace at March 2, 2004 07:57 PMBill Clinton would be an excellent choice; wasn't he the self-proclaimed "First Black American President"?? /tongue-firmly-ensconced-in-cheek Posted by: The Original White Meat at March 2, 2004 07:58 PMSorry Pile On, you beat me to the punch. At least I didn't intrude on your run on sentences this time :-) Posted by: Masked Menace at March 2, 2004 07:59 PMMe thinks Jesus said it best, "the left 'we want to be god' utopians go in the fire, the right (those who find freedom in Jesus) go to heaven." He put it another way too, the buttinsky on your life and freedom goats go to hell, the loving and grateful for Christ's sacrifice sheep go to heaven. Remember also that Christ said he comes to divide not to unite. Jesus campaign slogan 2004, "I'm a divider not a uniter" All of the above except the campaign slogan are from the Paraphrased Public-Educated Readers Bible, Jericho edition. Posted by: Jericho at March 2, 2004 10:04 PMi group people by fashion. oh hi mr giordano....arent you from the Port au Prince Giordanos?? do you have any grey poupon? Unome 99 mill for Peyton Manning?? i see him as the next dan marino,big #s no rings but i could be wrong as i was with elway. lets take a timeout and thank our lord for this marvelous,spectacular march morning Posted by: Mike G at March 3, 2004 07:19 AMI too am a divider, not a uniter. Posted by: Pizza Cutter at March 3, 2004 03:06 PMPlease, I want the former US president Bill Clinton to assist me on some issue please I will be very grateful if I will be able to hear from him. Posted by: Akinseye Marcus at March 3, 2004 05:14 PMPlease, I want the former US president Bill Clinton to assist me on some issue please I will be very grateful if I will be able to hear from him. Posted by: marcus at March 3, 2004 05:20 PMBush is now a racist for restoring order by shooing Aristide out. Bush would be called a racist no matter what he did by all the professional whiners. Jeez, Haiti has been a republic for 200 years and it's still the basket case of the western hemisphere. Would it be racist to say the country simply reflects the people there? Posted by: Jakester at March 4, 2004 10:52 PMYou know, I think that's an incredibly racist statement Jakester. Posted by: Cassandra at March 5, 2004 11:24 PMPost a comment
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