(2004-03-31) -- Just a day after U.S. President George Bush announced he would allow National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to testify under oath before the commission investigating the 9/11 terror attacks, a partial transcript of Ms. Rice's previous closed-door session with the panel has leaked to the media.

The leak comes amid charges from former White House counter-terrorism coordinator Richard A. Clarke that the Bush administration treated the al Qaeda threat as "important" but not "urgent" and that the president once intimidated Mr. Clarke into investigating a possible link between al Qaeda and former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

Panel member names are not identified in the partial transcript, which was gleaned from notes taken by an amateur stenographer who just happened to be in the room during the session. Here is an excerpt:

PANEL MEMBER: How would you describe the Bush administration's level of concern about al Qaeda prior to the 9/11 attacks?

DR. RICE: We viewed the al Qaeda threat as important, but not urgent. We were more concerned with developing a missile defense system and planning to avenge Saddam Hussein's attempt to assassinate President Bush's father.

PANEL MEMBER: Describe your working relationship with former counter-terrorism coordinator, and now bestselling author, Richard A. Clarke.

DR. RICE: What can I say about Dick Clarke that you don't already know? The man is brilliant--an intellectual giant. His work in the Clinton administration had almost wiped al Qaeda from the face of the earth. In hindsight, I should have listened to him. I should have let him meet daily with the president. But I was jealous of his massive intellect and his personal charisma, which made him such an effective leader. I prevented him from protecting America, yet he was too humble and loyal to contradict me, or the president, in public.

PANEL MEMBER: To your knowledge, did the president ever try to bully Mr. Clarke into fabricating a connection between al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein?

DR. RICE: Yes. As soon as the planes hit the World Trade Center, Mr. Bush decided that he finally had his motive to invade Iraq. He felt that Saddam's non-compliance with the terms of surrender from the Gulf War was inadequate, as was the fact that Saddam's anti-aircraft guns fired on Coalition aircraft on a regular basis. He needed a real reason to force Iraq to comply with a decade of U.N. resolutions. So, he grabbed Dick Clarke by the throat, jacked him up against the wall and said, 'Saddam is behind these terror attacks, isn't he?' Then he winked, to clearly indicate to Dick that the correct answer would be 'Yes, sir.'

PANEL MEMBER: If you could go back to early 2001 and start over, what else would you do differently?

MS. RICE: I would politely decline the president's invitation to serve as national security advisor and tell him forthrightly: 'Mr. President, Dick Clarke is your man.'

(2004-03-31) -- Senators Edward M. Kennedy and Tom Daschle face stiff fines for their "excessive celebration" over news that the Bush administration had succumbed to pressure to allow National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to testify under oath before the 9/11 commission.

A little-known Senate rule, similar to one used by the National Football League, prohibits "excessive, prolonged and premeditated celebrations by Senators," and levies heavy fines for violations.

"Rather than politely welcoming the Bush decision to allow Rice to testify," said an unnamed expert, "Kennedy and Daschle did a virtual Snoopy-dance in front of the reporters. The Senate is supposed to be the more deliberative body of the bicameral legislature. Daschle and Kennedy are out there high-fiving each other, doing that break-dance head-spin thing and simulating two-handed pistol fire. What kind of example is that to set for junior Senators like John Kerry and Hillary Clinton?"

A spokesman for Mr. Kennedy said that he "merely knelt and made the sign of the cross," and that the dancing was actually "an ancient Celtic tradition which is protected as religious speech under the Constitution."

However Mr. Daschle's office acknowledged that, upon hearing the news, the Senate Minority Leader had "leaped into the mosh pit of reporters and was passed around over their heads for some appropriate interval."

(2004-03-29) -- U.S. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said today that she doesn't want to testify before the commission investigating the 9/11 terror attacks because she's witholding "insider information" for her own book to be released when her government career is over.

"Richard Clarke's book is flying off the shelves because people think he has some secret information about the Bush administration," said Ms. Rice. "In contrast with Mr. Clarke, I have actually had meetings with the president. I'd like to cash a few royalty checks myself, so I'm going to avoid spilling my guts for free on the public airwaves if I can."

Ms. Rice added, "For now, I think I'll just start spinning--you know, saying things I don't believe--since that seems to be the prerequisite for garnering credibility in this genre."

(2004-03-29) -- The strict anti-abortion stance of Pope John Paul II is "tragically not nuanced," according to U.S. Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry, a practicing Roman Catholic.

"I pray for an America where rosary beads are sold in abortion clinic gift shops," said Mr. Kerry. "But I won't be a Catholic president, or even, as John F. Kennedy called himself, 'a president who happens to be Catholic'. I will be a president who happens to say he is Catholic but doesn't feel constrained by the black-and-white teachings of a church which is the bedrock of values, of sureness about who I am."

Mr. Kerry made the remarks as he left Sunday Mass at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Flexible Doctrine.

"I dream of a nation that honors people who understand the difference between personal beliefs and public actions," said Mr. Kerry, who just last week hurried back to the Senate chambers to vote against a bill that makes harming a fetus a criminal offense. "All during that Senate vote, I was meditating on the rosary...you know, quietly repeating 'Hail Marys' and 'Our Fathers,' etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum."

(2004-03-29) -- Without mentioning Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry by name, President George Bush today responded to Mr. Kerry's use of the Bible to attack his "compassionate conservatism."

Speaking in a church service Sunday, Mr. Kerry criticized "our present national leadership" by quoting a passage from the New Testament book of James: “The Scriptures say, what does it profit, my brother, if someone says he has faith but does not have works?” Kerry said. “When we look at what is happening in America today, where are the works of compassion?”

When asked what the president thought of Mr. Kerry's comment, chief White House spokesman Scott McClellan released the following written statement:

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."
-- James 1:5-8

(2004-03-28) -- After enduring criticism for his failure to make his mark on the Democrat party, or even have a blueprint for his own presidential campaign, John Forbes Kerry today unveiled a platform he called 'Dispassionate Liberalism: An Agenda for America."

Taking his lead from President Bush's successful "compassionate conservatism" platform in the 2000 campaign, Mr. Kerry said his "dispassionate liberalism" similarly blunts the usual assaults on Democrats.

"Just like Bush reversed conventional wisdom by proclaiming that Republicans actually care about people," said Mr. Kerry, "my agenda declares that it's okay to be a bleeding-heart liberal without the bleeding heart part."

Democrat National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe said it's all part of the "New Aloofness," a Democrat sensibility that says "It's okay to be for big government and higher taxes without having to justify it by claiming to care about people who are many rungs below you on the economic ladder."

"It's really a very liberating philosophy," said Mr. McAuliffe. "We can be millionaires, seek to extend the reach of government into the personal lives of Americans and not even have to pretend to relate to the ordinary proletarians."

(2004-03-28) -- Presumptive Democrat presidential nominee John Forbes Kerry today said that Usama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leaders of al Qaeda, should testify before the bipartisan commission investigating the 9/11 terror attacks.

The remarks follow Mr. Kerry's call for National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to testify before the panel.

"We're asking U.S. officials how 9/11 could have been allowed to happen," said Mr. Kerry. "It seems that Mr. bin Laden and Mr. al-Zawahiri would have first-hand information that would be relevant to the committee's proceedings."

Mr. Kerry said that when he is president of the United States, he will "direct Attorney General Richard Clarke to subpoena both al Qaeda leaders that they might be subjected to stern questioning."

(2004-03-28) -- National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice today praised former counter-terrorism coordinator Richard A. Clarke for "leading the Clinton administration to crush al Qaeda before it had a chance to strike us again on our own soil."

"After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the 1998 embassy bombings and the 2000 attack on the U.S.S. Cole, Dick Clarke took decisive action as President Clinton's trusted counter-terror chief," said Ms. Rice. "His detailed knowledge of al Qaeda spurred the lightning attacks that destroyed Usama bin Laden's Afghan training facilities and led to the arrest, conviction and execution of the man who was perhaps the greatest threat to the free world. One shudders to think what might have happened without Dick Clarke's resolute leadership."

Ms. Rice said she would lobby "to get Mr. Clarke nominated for a Congressional Medal of Honor and the Nobel Peace Prize to go with the Pulitzer he will certainly win for his new book outlining how he protected Americans from terror attacks."

(2004-03-25) -- Self-proclaimed atheist Michael Newdow yesterday pleaded with the U.S. Supreme Court to remove the phrase 'under God' from the Pledge of Allegiance and acknowledged the court's Chief Justice as his "personal higher power."

"In the name of William H. Rehnquist almighty," said Mr. Newdow, "I call upon this court to protect the rights of those who have no recourse to a higher power than this. And, by Rehnquist, I will continue this fight until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream."

At the end of his legal arguments, Mr. Newdow prostrated himself on the floor of the courtroom and said "blessed be the glorious name of Rehnquist, may he reign forever."

Later he told reporters on the steps of the court building, "My personal relationship with Rehnquist brings me unspeakable joy, hope for the future and peace in my heart. It's a comfort to know that he's thinking about me at this very moment."

(2004-03-23) -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today told the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States that he has a plan to prevent past acts of terror.

"As I have listened to people speculate on what might have been done to prevent 9/11," said Mr. Rumsfeld, "I realized that we've been doing all the post-mortem analysis after the fact."

Mr. Rumsfeld proposed that the CIA, FBI and the Pentagon immediately begin "studying the facts about the next major terror attack, which will never happen because we will prevent it in hindsight."

"All we have to do is figure out who attacked us, where and when," he said. "It's a simple matter of stepping out of the time-space continuum to ward off future incidents after they have already happened."

(2004-03-23) -- Questions about the reliability of U.S. intelligence services grew today as documents revealed that the FBI tracked Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry as early as 1971, but did nothing to stop him.

"This looks like another tragic intelligence failure," said an unnamed aide to the Senate Intelligence Committee. "FBI agents knew Kerry was in the country and they even attended his anti-war speeches, but apparently their reports never reached the highest levels of the agency. He was literally within our grasp and we let him slip through."

The aide blamed the failure on the Nixon administration, which he said was too distracted by the war in Vietnam to devote full attention to homeland security.

"If John Kerry is elected president of the United States," he said, "Republicans will have no one to blame but themselves."

(2004-03-22) -- A new book by Richard Clarke, the former counter-terrorism coordinator for the Bush administration, charges that the president was so obsessed with Saddam Hussein that he delayed invading Iraq for 19 months after the 9/11 terror attacks "just so he could let his hatred of Saddam simmer in his mind."

Mr. Clarke told CBS reporter Leslie Stahl that, from the beginning, the Bush administration didn't take the al Qaeda threat seriously and was focused on attacking Iraq.

"The 9/11 attacks by al Qaeda were such an utter surprise to [National Security Advisor] Rice and [Defense Secretary] Rumsfeld, that it took them almost a month to retaliate against the Taliban," said Mr. Clarke. "By contrast, Rumsfeld started planning to hit Saddam from the moment he took office in January 2001. Sure enough, only 26 months after that he unleashed a lightning strike on Iraq. He would have launched the attack sooner if Bush hadn't been so obsessed with Saddam that he couldn't see straight."

The former official said even the war against the Taliban was part of the president's obsession with Saddam Hussein.

"Bush foolishly believed that there was a link between al Qaeda and Iraq," Mr. Clarke said. "So, in order to bring down Saddam Hussein, he first attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan in October 2001, because they harbored al Qaeda. Bush thought that if the Taliban fell, Saddam would soon follow. It's clear that Rumsfeld and Rice have thought about nothing but Iraq for more than three years now."

(2004-03-20) -- The presumptive Democrat presidential nominee, Sen. John Forbes Kerry, today called for a ban on snowboarding. The demand comes less than a week after a Secret Service agent caused the Senator to tumble on a slope in Idaho.

"Snowboarding is an inherently dangerous activity," said Mr. Kerry. "Although I'm one of the best snowboarders alive, and I don't fall down, there is no way to protect the average 19-year-old from being taken out by a [expletive deleted] Secret Service agent. The board manufacturers claim the sport is safe. But how do you ask a man to be the last man to break his leg for a lie?"

In a symbolic gesture, Mr. Kerry plans to throw his snowboard, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, over the White House fence later this week. TV news crews will be permitted to videotape his second snowboard toss attempt.

(2004-03-21) -- Religious philosopher Usama bin Laden today announced that although he had been among the unnamed foreign leaders who support John Forbes Kerry's election as U.S. president, he has withdrawn his support.

"At first, I was an anyone-but-Bush man," said Mr. bin Laden on an audiotape aired by al Jazeera TV. "But the more I hear about Kerry's strategy of nuanced engagement, the more I like Bush. At least I know where I stand with the Great Satan from Texas."

Mr. bin Laden said he was concerned that his emissaries would be "tied up for years in fruitless talks with the Kerry administration."

"Next thing you know, al Qaeda will be chairing the U.N. Human Rights Commission," he said. "We don't have time for that kind of nonsense."

The Kerry campaign released the following brief statement: "There are no longer any foreign leaders who support Senator Kerry's candidacy."

(2004-03-18) -- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia today claimed that his colleague, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, should recuse herself from a case involving Vice President Dick Cheney because she refused to hunt ducks with Mr. Cheney in January.

The statement comes in response to the Sierra Club's contention that Mr. Scalia should recuse himself, since he accompanied Mr. Cheney on the duck hunt.

"Justice Ginsburg's failure to hunt ducks with the Vice President gives rise to questions of bias against him," said Mr. Scalia. "If she were truly objective, she would have hunted with Mr. Cheney and picked off a few ducks for which he was aiming, thereby demonstrating neither blinding affection nor prejudicial antipathy. I like the Vice President but, given the chance, I would shoot his duck...as I have amply demonstrated."

(2004-03-16) -- In the wake of claims by Democrat presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry that foreign leaders hope he wins the White House, President George Bush today said "unnamed foreign leaders told me they want me to clean Kerry's clock, you know, to fix his wagon."

"They can't go out and say this publicly," Mr. Bush said, "but boy they look at you and say, 'You've got to pummel this wishy-washy appeaser. You've got to spank him with the buckle end of the belt'. Of course, I can't tell you who said that, but them foreigners want me to put a hurt on him."

Mr. Bush, like Mr. Kerry, spends hours every day chatting with foreign leaders to find out what kind of American foreign policy will be most popular with them. And while Mr. Kerry speaks fluent French thanks to childhood summers spent at a family estate in Brittany, Mr. Bush speaks Spanish and Pig Latin, which he calls "the new Esperanto...the global language of diplomacy."

"You wouldn't believe some of the things my foreign buddies have told me about Enator-say Erry-kay," said Mr. Bush. "It's all on the Q.T., of course."

(2004-03-16) -- Spain's newly-elected socialist prime minister today declared the start of a "new era of protection from terror" as he cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the al Qaeda embassy in downtown Madrid.

The building, formerly known as the U.S. Embassy, will house the offices and "manufacturing facilities" of the global religious social services organization headed by renowned philosopher Usama bin Laden.

"Spain's involvement in the war on terror caused the recent train station bombings," said Prime Minister-elect José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero. "Now that the Spanish people have elected a socialist government, and embraced al Qaeda's diplomats, we have nothing to fear. Al Qaeda has promised to protect us from extremists like those at the U.S. White House and Pentagon."

Mr. Zapatero said he was "pleasantly surprised at al Qaeda's reasonable pricing for high-quality protection."

(2004-03-15) -- Countless dozens of protestors marched on CNN's Atlanta headquarters today to speak out against the Cable News Network's "barrage of negative coverage" about the U.S. role in the liberation of Iraq.

The event followed a CNN story about an anti-war march in Washington D.C., which the network claimed drew a crowd estimated by police to number "in the low triple-digits."

No independent crowd-size estimate was available for the Atlanta protest, but organizers said several cases of bottled water were consumed and at least one participant claimed he was inadvertently jostled by a fellow protestor.

"This is arguably as massive as the anti-war march in D.C.," one organizer shouted over the din of several clusters of chatting protestors. "We figured if we could get a crowd this large, then CNN would have to cover the march even though we're protesting their coverage. You just can't ignore the roar of the vox populi."

(2004-03-13) -- Presumptive Democrat presidential nominee John Forbes Kerry today appealed to the United Nations to form a multilateral coalition to combat U.S. President George Bush's most recent campaign ads.

"I will not retaliate, despite Mr. Bush's attacks, until I can assemble a true, multinational coalition under the leadership of Secretary-General Kofi Annan," said Mr. Kerry. "I have asked French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) to introduce a resolution in the Security Council declaring Mr. Bush to be in material breach of his commitment to change the tone in Washington. His TV ads are filled with deception and denial, so I again call for regime change in Washington."

Mr. Kerry, who is known to be supported by many foreign leaders, said he will put his presidential campaign on hold until the U.N. has inspected the Bush advertising and passed the resolution.

"You won't see me running a unilateral campaign," he said. "I'm leading America back into the arms of the global community, where we'll be safe again."

Mr. Annan said the full Security Council should take up debate on the resolution in July, and may be ready to begin inspections of the Bush campaign ads as early as December.

(2004-03-10) -- Senator John Forbes Kerry today defended his 1995 attempt to cut $1.5 billion from the U.S. intelligence budget, saying "the bill failed...no harm, no foul."

The bill in question, S.1290 introduced September 29, 1995 by Mr. Kerry, included the following proposal in Sec. 3, paragraph (7):

Reduce the Intelligence budget by $300 million in each of fiscal years 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, and 2000.

However, Senator Kerry said he only introduced the bill because he "knew it would not garner a single co-sponsor and would never get out of committee."

"It's not like I was some sort of super-effective legislator, building coalitions for my ideas and persuading my colleagues to make the tough, responsible decision to reduce our national intelligence capabilities," said Mr. Kerry. "You can't blame me for the intelligence failures that may have led to the 9/11 attacks. My bill failed. In any case, that was nine long years ago. I can't be held accountable for every youthful indiscretion."

Mr. Kerry went on to talk about how his Vietnam combat experience has prepared him to lead America's 'police action on terror'.

(2004-03-09) -- After slamming the Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election campaign for its use of 9/11 imagery in campaign ads, the Democrat National Committee (DNC) today again demanded that the ads be pulled, this time because they refer to Mr. Bush as "president."

Indeed, a review of the commercials shows that some do include the term "president" immediately before the surname "Bush." Juxtaposed with images of former Texas Governor George W. Bush, it seems clear that the spots do not refer to former President George H.W. Bush, but rather to his son, who did not actually win the popular vote in 2000.

"These ads are deeply cynical," said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe. "Some families of the victims of the 2000 election have come to me, weeping because the commercials reminded them of that tragic time."

(2004-03-09) -- The U.K. House of Lords early this morning approved a revised measure creating a 'Supreme Court' to replace the current panel of legal lords, drawn from the House of Lords itself, which had been the highest appellate jurisdiction in the United Kingdom.

Conservative opponents of the plan had initially delayed consideration of the bill, but acquiesced when they discovered that the new Supreme Court would be modeled on the highly-effective and equitable U.S. Supreme Court. In exchange for their votes, the conservatives also demanded that justices on the new court wear a 'supreme wig' over the traditional powdered wig.

Like the U.S. Supreme Court, the British court will consist of non-political, impartial justices who interpret the law as it affects specific cases, always with an eye to preserving the original intent of the framers of the nation's founding documents.

Advocates of the new court say the old system of allowing law lords to rule on the laws they help write in the House of Lords undercuts the will of the people, and exposes the law lords to allegations of political bias.

"We look forward to the day," said an unnamed lord, "when the decisions of our highest court are above reproach because, like America, we have removed politics from the equation."

Meanwhile, in the House of Commons, a competing proposal would select three Members of Parliament as a 'high court of the people' called 'mp3'. Opponents, however, said advocates of the mp3 plan are "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

(2004-03-08) -- Viacom, the parent company of CBS and UPN, today announced that it would drop Martha Stewart's show and replace it with a new program called 'Janet Jackson Living' which it described as "a live, cutting edge fashion show."

In a brief statement, Viacom President and COO Mel Karmazin said, "Now that we know that Martha lied to federal investigators, we can't in good conscience allow her to give decorating advice to our nation's impressionable homemakers."

Mr. Karmazin said, "Janet Jackson Living is aimed at 8-14 year-old girls struggling with significant garment issues."

(2004-03-08) -- Weighing in on the debate over same-sex marriage, Sen. John Forbes Kerry today confessed that he is "Biblically bi-textual."

The admission came as Mr. Kerry defended his principled stand opposing homosexual marriage while favoring same-sex civil unions with marriage-equivalent rights and privileges.

"I'm a Christian. I've read the Bible," Mr. Kerry told a crowd of supporters in Tougaloo, Mississippi, "and I know you can find the clauses that go both ways. I'm not here to argue that with you."

A spokesman for Mr. Kerry later clarified the candidate's remarks, saying: "Senator Kerry has read the Bible both in English, which reads left to right, and his ancestral language, Hebrew, which reads right to left. So, in that sense, you can find clauses in the Bible that go both ways."

(2004-03-08) -- A key early indicator of the November presidential vote showed today that Sen. John Forbes Kerry leads President George Bush 2-to-1 among unnamed foreign leaders.

The quadrennial United Nations U.S. Presidential Preference Poll demonstrated what Mr. Kerry has said: "I've met foreign leaders who can't go out and say this publicly, but boy they look at you and say, 'You've got to win this, you've got to beat this guy, we need a new policy,' things like that."

Mr. Kerry's global presidential campaign is coordinated by a coalition of Hollywood celebrities who left the United States in 2000 to protest the election of Mr. Bush. The Benedict Arnold Group, a Section 527 committee named after the hero of the American revolution, has already raised some 83 million Euros on behalf of Le comité pour élire Monsieur Jean Kerry Président des Etats-Unis.

(2004-03-08) -- Just hours after the 25-member Iraqi Governing Council approved that nation's new interim constitution, a three-judge panel of the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned it on the grounds that it provides "excessive power to the ignorant masses."

"Democracy cannot be entrusted to millions of people who have never been to law school," an unnamed judge wrote for the panel. "Ultimately power must rest in the hands of those who know what's best for others. That's the American model, and that is what we should export to the world."

The Ninth Circuit panel said it might reconsider its ruling if the Iraqi Governing Council were to allow the establishment of branch campuses of Harvard and Yale Universities in Baghdad.

"It's possible that within 10 to 12 years," the panel concluded, "that judges could be prepared to rule equitably in Iraq as they do here in the United States. Only then could Iraq return to the relative stability it has enjoyed for the past three decades."

(2004-03-07) -- Radio shock jock Howard Stern today demanded that his syndication company take him off the air immediately, fine him heavily and fire him. The announcement comes as recent headlines about Mr. Stern have increased the ratings for his radio show.

"If Infinity Broadcasting pulls my show nationwide," said Mr. Stern, "I predict that my audience will increase exponentially. It's crucial that people think I'm hip and controversial again. That's what makes them tune in. Therefore, I demand to be fired."

Mr. Stern followed his announcement with a string of expletives and detailed descriptions of deviant sexual activity, which he said "prove that I'm the hippest middle-aged radio guy around."

(2004-03-06) -- In an early attempt to quell the questioning about whom he will pick as a running mate, Sen. John Forbes Kerry, the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee, said today that he has hired Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com, to screen potential vice presidential candidates.

"Traditional veep-search processes give you a picture and paragraph," said Dr. Clark Warren. "We go much deeper, comparing the candidates on 29 dimensions of compatibility. The first step is for Sen. Kerry to understand himself. Once he knows what he believes in, it will be easier to find a political relationship that works."

'Veepstakes' speculation has run rampant among political pundits since Mr. Kerry locked up the nomination with his Super Tuesday primary sweep last week. However, the junior senator from Massachusetts actually started the search process several months ago, according to Dr. Clark Warren.

"I sent him the link to our free personality profile some time ago," he said. "For a man like John Kerry, it may be the toughest test he faces during this campaign. But once he's done the profile, we won't just locate a running mate, we'll find him a soul mate."

(2004-02-27) -- Despite the heartache sparked by four guilty verdicts today, Martha Stewart left a New York City courtroom with a spring in her step.

"Of course, I'm saddened by the prospect of 20 years in prison," said Ms. Stewart, "but just before the jury announced the verdict, I text-messaged my broker with a sell order for all of my shares of Martha Stewart Living OmniMedia (MSO). I just had a feeling about it. As it turns out, the stock took a dive minutes later. I guess I'm just lucky."

Ms. Stewart said she would use the money from the stock sale to appeal her convictions on the grounds that the jury was not comprised of her peers.

"I'm entitled to trial by a jury of my peers," she said, "but there were no Martha Stewart peers on that jury, as if such people exist. One might argue it wasn't even a jury of my species."

(2004-03-05) -- As Democrats assailed the Bush campaign yesterday for airing TV ads that include brief images of the aftermath of the 9/11 terror attacks, Sen. John Kerry lashed out at his own presidential campaign for employing "savage, militaristic imagery" in his ads.

"Where's the respect for the families of the victims of the Vietnam war?" asked the presumptive Democrat nominee as he viewed his own ads, apparently for the first time. "Images of a man toting a weapon, of gun boats on patrol, descriptions of battle scenes...these must be tremendously upsetting to the Vietcong vets and to the tens of thousands of American war protestors like me who fought valiantly for a despicable cause."

Mr. Kerry called upon his campaign to end its "jingoistic media assault which tries imply that a 60-year-old man has foreign policy savvy because he fought in a war 36 years ago."

The Kerry 2004 campaign refused to pull the ads, or even to respond to the senator's remarks.

(2004-03-03) -- Sen. John Forbes Kerry today refused to accept Sen. Hillary Clinton's support for the Democrat presidential nomination because the former First Lady issued her endorsement first in an interview on Japanese TV.

"I will not accept Sen. Clinton's Benedict Arnold endorsement," said Mr. Kerry. "By outsourcing coverage of her announcement to the Nippon Television Network Corporation, Sen. Clinton has cheated the major U.S. networks out of crucial content. I'm for American jobs on American news networks because they generate American tax dollars."

Sen. Clinton issued the following statement: "No one can prove to me that Nippon TV is any less American than CNN or ABC News."

(2004-03-03) -- John Forbes Kerry, the presumptive Democrat presidential nominee, today said President George Bush lied about the presence of water on Mars.

The charge comes a day after NASA announced that its Mars rovers had found evidence that there may have been water on Mars in the past.

"Evidence of previous water is not the same as the presence of actual water now," said Mr. Kerry. "No one doubts that Mars once had a 'water program', if you will. But Mr. Bush spent $800 million on his unilateral Martian adventure. That money could have provided affordable health care for poor children of minimum-wage-earning same-sex domestic partners who were wounded by assault weapons on underfunded public school playgrounds."

Mr. Kerry added that when he supported increased funding for NASA, he didn't know that "Bush would...uh...foul it up as badly as he did."

(2004-03-03) -- With John Edwards expected to announce his withdrawal from the presidential race today, the contest for the Democrat nomination narrows to two men — Sen. John Forbes Kerry, D-MA, and Sen. John Forbes Kerry, D-MA.

"I think we're going to see them go at it hammer and tong until the convention," said Terry McAuliffe, chairman of the Democrat National Committee. "We couldn't hope for two men who offer more contrast; the war hero vs. the peace protestor, the wealthy husband of an heiress vs. the assailant of the privileged class. One backed the attack on Iraq, the other opposed it. One voted for the USA Patriot Act, the other denounces it. One supported the president's 'No Child Left Behind' education plan, the other is harshly critical of it."

Mr. McAuliffe said his main job as party chairman over the next six months is to "keep the two John Kerrys focused on attacking President Bush, rather than sniping at each other over character issues."

(2004-03-02) -- Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has begun top-secret negotiations with Haitian Interim President Boniface Alexandre to return Bill Clinton to power in the island republic.

Mr. Clinton, a former U.S. president in his own right, ruled Haiti for several years in the mid-1990s. Mr Carter will reportedly tell the Haitian leader that Mr. Clinton has vowed to rent office space in a "predominantly African-Haitian" area in Port-au-Prince, and to bring a McDonald's restaurant franchise to the neighborhood to boost the economy.

In 1994, Mr. Clinton commanded a military operation which landed Jimmy Carter on the island for so-called "negotiations" with the military ruler Raoul Cedras. Meanwhile, Mr. Clinton ordered five dozen military aircraft toward Haiti as the vanguard of an invasion force. Mr. Cedras capitulated. The planes turned back and a 15,000-person American military occupation force, under Mr. Clinton's leadership, soon took over the country.

Dubbed Operation Restore Freedom, the maneuver led to the re-installation of then-and-again exiled President Jean-Bertrand Aristide as Mr. Clinton's steward. Considered one of the major triumphs of the Clinton administration, America's $2 billion investment in Haiti led to a revival of democracy and capitalism, reducing the Haitian unemployment rate to only 66 percent.

Mr. Aristide is now held hostage by U.S. forces in the Central African Republic, according to itinerant international statesman the Rev. Jesse Jackson. The kidnappers are demanding an end to the bloodshed in Haiti as they torture Mr. Aristide by sticking long pins into voodoo dolls made in his image.

(2004-03-01) -- According to a new study by the Pew Research Center, writing weblogs (or blogs) is not nearly as popular as once believed. In fact it's a "fringe-group activity" like reading USA Today, or watching CNN.

Only about two percent of Internet users (roughly 2.4 million persons) actually write blogs, which means that creating blog content is only about as common as reading USA Today, the largest circulation daily paper in the country with 2.6 million readers. To look at it another way, the number of bloggers is about equal to the combined circulation of The New York Times (1.6 million) and The New York Daily News (805,000).

"It's really pathetic," said an unnamed researcher who worked on the Pew study. "After several years and a lot of hype, blog writers are still just a tiny fraction of the population. The number of bloggers is only a little bit higher than the combined primetime viewership of CNN and MSNBC. If I were a blogger, I'd be ashamed to be engaged in such a peculiar activity."

Glenn Reynolds, a blogger whose name has appeared in every article ever written about blogging, said, "I'm saddened...saddened and dismayed. I really thought blogging would catch on."

(2004-03-01) -- Just hours after Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide fled to exile in Africa, the new interim ruler of Haiti announced a proposal to rename the island republic 'Lovi'.

"Image is everything," said Supreme Court Chief Justice Boniface Alexandre, the interim president. "For years our people have suffered the low self-esteem that comes with the name Haiti. No wonder they have turned to voodoo and violence, rather than responsible self-governance."

(2004-03-01) -- The new Iraqi constitution, approved early Monday morning by the Iraqi Governing Council, now awaits the signature of Saddam Hussein whose word has been law for almost three decades in this nation of 25 million.

"We think he'll really like it," said one unnamed member of the council. "It's the crowning achievement of the Hussein era, in which freedom and democracy finally blossomed in the Arab world."

The council issued a statement thanking the United Nations Security Council for its "patient diplomatic perseverance without which this document could not exist."

Mr. Hussein could not immediately be reached for comment.

(2004-03-01) -- Oscar-sweeping director Peter Jackson this morning said he would team up with Pixar Studios, which last night won the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature Film, to produce a rollicking adventure tentatively titled "Finding Smeagol."

Mr. Jackson, whose trilogy capstone 'Return of the King' (ROTK) captured 11 Oscars, inluding Best Picture and Best Director, said he was "eager to explore what ever happened to Smeagol (also called Gollum) after he disappeared into that river of molten lava at the end of ROTK. Because the film already had six endings, we really didn't have time to resolve Smeagol's story. It was a cliff hanger, if you will, which shouts for a sequel."

For Pixar's part, a studio spokesman said 'Finding Smeagol' will challenge its computer animation experts to "create a whole believable world in spectacular, graceful orange, all at about 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit. Anyone who's ever seen a lava lamp has imagined what it would be like to live in that stuff."

The story will follow the adventures of Smeagol's father, voiced by Albert Brooks, as he searches for his jewelry-obsessed, prodigal son.

Mr. Jackson plans to shoot much of 'Finding Smeagol' on location at New Zealand's Ruapehu volcano. The film will combine live actors with computer-generated imaging (CGI) animation in ways never before attempted. Andy Serkis will reprise the role of Smeagol/Gollum, and is already being fitted with a special 'heat resistant' costume.