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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Interstellar Burst's LiveJournal:
| Thursday, June 10th, 2004 | |||
| 11:09 pm | Tonight I consumed: 1 Zyrtec 2 Aleve 1 glass of red wine 1 shot of Nyquil I'm either going to sleep really well or die. To make the Nyquil more enjoyable, I poured it into a shot glass and got up on my sister's kitchen counter so I could pretend I was dancing on a bar for a free shot. That's true except for the counter part. I did pretend I was doing a real shot instead of cherry aceteminophen. I can't figure out if I'm experience really bad allergies or a cold. I keep going back and forth between the two. I didn't do much today. I went out and got some coffee and did some plant shopping for my sister. No, it's not what you think. She's actually planting some flowers outside her front door and she wanted me to pick them out for her. I pretty much hung around the house after that. Suzanne got tied up with her job (she works with horses) and by the time she called me tonight I was on Zyrtec, Aleve, and halfway through the wine, so I didn't get to see her. I drove by my parents' house. I didn't go inside. It looks the same. This whole freaking town looks the same. I'm so disappointed in myself for coming back here. I told myself I'd never visit, and I never wanted to. I guess I could say that I'm stronger for facing my fears, but the truth is I came here out of desperation more than anything else. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: five for fighting | ||
| 8:47 am | je ne sais quoi I went out with my best friend Suzanne last night. It was so much fun. When I moved away, I was 17 and all we could do was drink coffee at Barnes & Noble. Now we can go bar hopping, and there's nothing quite like a night out drinking with a childhood friend. Bars in Billings are, not surprisingly, kind of shitty. The only vodka mixed drink anyone knew how to make was a screwdriver. I had 5 of those, a Smirnoff, and two of those little test tubes the hot chick with the tray was selling. Then when I got home I had some Nyquil because I'm either having an allergic reaction to stress & climate change or I'm catching Suzanne's cold. Mixing liquor and aceteminophen is a decidedly poor choice, but the amazing thing is I feel twelve times better this morning and I'm not hung over. Of course, aceteminophen IS supposed to help with hangovers, providing it doesn't damage your liver in the process. Here's what I'm thinking: imagine the cold-fighting vitamins I got from the orange juice in all those screwdrivers. Anyway, men in Billings must be pretty desperate. I have never been hit on like that at clubs in Florida. Then again, it occurs to me that most of my friends are male and I'm usually with a mixed group when I'm out. Last night some guy asked me to dance and I told him no because, well, I don't dance. Unless I'm completely trashed. And even then, not to country music. I tried to get him to dance with Suzanne instead but she told me to dance with him. Apparently the vodka was starting to take effect, because I gave in. He told me how much he hated Montana because everyone is narrow-minded, and I told him that's why I moved 2000 miles away. I asked him why he didn't leave, and he said he's moving to Nevada in a few months. It just so happened that Suzanne and I had been having a conversation about Nevada's prostitution laws in the car on the way to the bar, so in my semi-drunken state, my response was, "You know prostitution is legal in Nevada!" He said, "Yeah, it should be a lot of fun." Either he didn't hear what I said or he's the most honest man I've ever met. He came and found me at the bar later and gave me his phone number. Never mind that I live 2000 miles away. He told me, "You have that je ne sais quoi." This was undoubtedly a line that he used on every chick in the bar, but what a good line nonetheless. So yeah. I don't think drinking and spending 20 minutes online looking up how to spell "je ne sais quoi" counts as the soul searching I'm supposed to accomplish while I'm here. This is what I've figured out so far: I must love Keith a lot to miss him this much. I miss my kitty cat, too. And all my friends. I miss Melbourne, but I don't miss my apartment or my job (not that I have one anymore anyway) or anything else in my life down there. This all traces back to not being able to go into my chosen field. That's when I started hating my life and everything started falling apart. And flunking out of school coincided with the surfacing of some childhood demons, which I suppose I could try to look into while I'm here, huh? I'm thinking about swinging by my parents' house today. Suzanne lent me her car (her family has 3 altogether) so I can do some exploring on my own today. I need the alarm code to get into my parents' house, though. I can get that from my sister. I suppose. It warmed up yesterday, but it looks gray and miserable again today. At least I'm not freezing my toes off. Yet. Current Mood:  awakeCurrent Music: five for fighting "100 Years" | ||
| Tuesday, June 8th, 2004 | |||
| 10:22 am | June 6th, 12pm, Atlanta airport Twelve o'clock is too early for a drink. Twelve o'clock is too early for a drink. TWELVE O'CLOCK IS TOO EARLY FOR A DRINK! 4pm, Salt Lake City airport Four o'clock, hoswever, is NOT too earluy for a drink. Hell, its six oc'lock on the est coast, after all. One maritini and a vokda and tonic isn't going to make me vomit on the plane, is it? Oh well, theres always the barf bag. hoepfully. I think Im ready to see my hometown now. I meab, how bad can it be? They have liqwuor stores, right? It's 59 degrees in my sister's house. 59 DEGREES. I haven't felt 59-degree-temperature in I don't know how long. I am fucking freezing. I couldn't sleep last night, either from stress or cold or both (a T-shirt and boxer shorts is appropriate sleepwear for Florida, but not Montana). Right now I think I'm wearing two articles of clothing that belong to me, along with borrowed socks and pajama pants (my sister's), a T-shirt (Keith's), and a sweatshirt (this belongs to my sister's boyfriend). I am so freaking cold. Look how weak I've become, living in Florida! It's great. I'm so glad I no longer feel native to this shithole. I played SiMs all night to keep my brain occupied while I couldn't sleep. One of the married female SiMs is making it with all the other women in the neighborhood. It's pretty funny. So being back in Billings after 3 years is decidedly creepy. Hanging out in my sister's house with her two cats isn't bad because I lived with them (and her, of course) in Butte before I moved out of state, so I don't really associate them with my childhood. I suppose it sounds weird to say I don't associate my sister with my childhood, and technically it's a false statement, but the truth is we weren't close at all until we were both young adults. I've been hanging out with my best friend Suzanne, whom I've known since I was 8 or 9, and that's been a little strange. Seeing HER is great, but sitting in her parents' house and talking to her mom is really weird. I have yet to take a jaunt over to MY parents' house. The thing is, I really think I should call my mom (remember, they're out of town) and tell her I'm going to be poking around her home, and I don't really want to talk to her at all. And I don't really feel all that warm & fuzzy about seeing the place anyway. Ugh, I am so fucking tired. My toes are cold. And ten o'clock is DEFINITELY too early for a drink. Current Mood: freezing Current Music: a lawnmower outside | ||
| Sunday, June 6th, 2004 | |||
| 2:25 am | amillionthingsatonce I feel so bad for abandoning my job and letting my manager down and losing the one anchor I had for the almost three years I've lived here and didn't even realize WAS an anchor. I'm running away back to where I came from; that's right, I'm flying to Billings (MT) tomorrow to see my sister Diane and my best friend Suzanne, who I've known since I was 9 years old. I dug out my keys to the TEMPLE OF DOOM (my parents' house) tonight. They were in my hall closet; I can't believe I kept them all this time -- I NEVER thought I'd go back there. They {shudder} are on vacation, which means I'll be able to go in and trash the place. No, I'm not going to do that, although it might be fun. Except that there's two of them and my mom really isn't the one that I hate and she lives there too. Actually what I'm going to do is sit in the middle of the house and let the ghosts flow through me...do a little demon-hunting, maybe. I think I'll actually be staying with my sister, even though I don't think she's too thrilled about it (coldhearted BITCH). See, I cry hysterically because I miss her, but then I talk to her and quickly realize that I probably shouldn't. She said, "Well, I don't think you should stay here for too long because we might get sick of each other." Well why don't I just go back to Florida and kill myself then? And I know that makes me sound like a histrionic attention whore, but honestly, I feel like I am going to die if I don't get away from here for awhile. Don't get me wrong; I love Melbourne and I love my friends. I just don't love myself or my life anymore, and I don't think going on just any old vacation would solve anything. Going back to Billings will bring things full circle; I haven't been there since I moved nearly three years ago and there are a lot of bad things there that I guess I need to face. And a lot of stuff here that I need some perspective on, perspective that I think geographical distance might give me. I am so tired of sucking the life out the people around me. I really hate that about myself. I’m incredibly high maintenance, but not in the traditional sense. I don’t need an hour and a half to get ready in the morning, three kinds of moisturizer to travel with, a hairbrush with me at all times, or a certain kind of cream for my coffee. I’ll drink water with lemon in it even though I hate it that way. Keith can hang out with whomever he wants whenever he wants. Hell, he can even sleep with them for all I care. But the fact of the matter is it takes SO MUCH to make me okay…usually more than anyone can offer. I used to be able to do it by myself. And that’s the only way it can truly be done; because if you’re not happy with yourself, by yourself, then anything someone else is giving you isn’t really happiness. I’ve always known that. It doesn’t mean I don’t wish someone else could make me okay, though. But it is why I’ve stopped calling my friends. Which makes me feel bad because keeping them at arm’s length so they’re not affected by my issues means I’m also not helping them with their issues. And that makes me a bad friend. But when you’re thinking about killing yourself, you don’t care so much about that anymore. I feel like there’s a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. I hear what people are saying, I see them, I care about them…but it’s clouded somehow. Sylvia Plath, renowned writer and sufferer of depression, referred to that affliction as a bell jar that descends upon you (hence the title of her famous semi-autobiographical book). That’s exactly what it’s like. Sometimes I worry I have sociopathic tendencies because I don’t feel like other people and I can’t live in the world like other people. I WANT to, though. I don’t think I’m better than my friends. I want a normal life. Of course, I’m sure Ted Bundy did, too, but he also wanted to rape and kill, which is something I’ve never even considered dabbling in. So I think I’m okay, at least as far as being a sociopath goes. I did talk to some people today to let them know I'm going away for a couple weeks. I'm so lucky to have my friends. I will never get over Matt being one of them. We used to make each other miserable at work all the time. Now he's calling me at 1 in the morning and saying he wants to get up at 7 to see me before I leave. My flight leaves at 10:30 in the morning; it's 2:30 now; I'm so stressed out I think I might have a coronary and I HATE MY TEETH Current Mood: absolutely fucking insane | ||
| Thursday, June 3rd, 2004 | |||
| 9:28 pm | So I'm watching Will & Grace, because it came on TV and I'm sitting in front of it, and it occurs to me that not only does Debra Messing have no breasts, but she is continually costumed in clothing that accentuates this fact. Now, I know what you're thinking. This is vicious and cruel and I have no life for having time to write about this. But, as a woman who has no breasts herself, I'm allowed discourse on such things. (As for the no life thing, well, you've got me there.) I just don't get it. I mean, she's hot. She just doesn't look good in a strapless shirt with no bra. (I don't either; this is why I'm allowed to say so.) I suppose one could argue that she's rising above the need to market herself as an aesthetically pleasing female and instead using her acting and comedic abilities to further her career. Nah. Current Mood: working on being drunk Current Music: the tv | ||
| 6:31 pm | so you mean I shouldn't be living with him?
Current Mood:  amused | ||
| 6:14 pm | Last night I returned a voicemail message from my sister and she told me if she had someone to grant her one wish she would wish for me to be happy. I never thought my big sister, who hated me for 15 years, would say something like that to me. It makes me sad that I moved 2000 miles away right after we reconciled, preempting any kind of real relationship we could have had. Of course, during the three months before I moved, I was LIVING WITH HER and she had no time for me, only her boyfriend. Ah well. I've learned that my sister really does love me, it will never manifest itself the way I want it to, and if I want to have a relationship with her I have to accept this. Work left me a message today. I think it's time to go get good and snockered and then listen to it. Current Mood:  hungryCurrent Music: will & grace reruns on tv | ||
| 12:04 am | I lost my job today. Well, no. That's probably not quite right. Losing my job is, "Where'd my job go? I can't find it." No, I think I got fired. Or abandoned. Or something. Totally butchered paraphrasing "American Beauty" there. Current Mood:  sad | ||
| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 | |||
| 1:59 am | Waiting to die is no way to live, but when death is the only thing you look forward to, what are you supposed to do about it? Take antidepressants, and when those don't work, drink alcohol (a good mix, by the way), and when that doesn't work, cry hysterically, and when that doesn't work, cut yourself, and when that doesn't work, pretend your life doesn't exist by putting yourself in another reality...books, television, movies...and altering reality is the purpose of antidepressants and alcohol and cutting anyway. It stormed like a bitch here earlier tonight and I thought about going for a walk in the rain...I remember the day last summer when I went to FIT to register for fall classes, I got caught in the rain on my way back to my car and soaked through until my pants were transluscent and my bra was wet and I could smell my shampoo and I thought, "I actually feel alive," and I think getting caught in the rain is one of the only non-drug-induced ways to feel like that. But I chose drugs instead of rain tonight and drank hard lemonade, which doesn't really do much unless you drink six of them in half as many hours, which I didn't do. Looking forward to death scares me because the more I like the idea, the less afraid of suicide I become, and fear is the only barrier between me and a slab in the morgue. Fear of the unknown, fear of the other side, fear of failure and ending up back in the mental hospital, fear of letting other people down, fear of an afterlife, fear of missed chances and laugh lines that never had a chance to crease my face. But isn't fear of aging and fear of wasting time and fear of wrong choices and fear of LIVING worse? If I die I won't ever have to wake up in the middle of a panic attack again and then do it six more times before I have the courage to get out of bed for the day. I won't have to miss my sister anymore. I won't have to miss my mother and pretend I don't. I won't have to go to work and run to the bathroom twice during the first hour of my shift to cry because I'm weak. I won't have to feel guilty for WANTING to die. I won't have to analyze my feelings and wonder what sociopathic tendencies I might have. I won't have to go to the dentist and get my mouth drilled and rearranged. I won't have to pretend I'm not miserable when I am because I spent two and a half years living alone and crying alone and now I live with someone else and I don't know how to suppress my baseless agony so it doesn't affect someone else. I won't have to dream anymore or feel anymore or want anything anymore. Keith told me that everyone hates their job, no one is happy, we all feel too much, and we all hurt too much. He thinks I'm weak for not sucking it up, but I have sucked it up before and I don't think it makes much of a difference in the long run. And it's not as though he didn't spend years before I knew him refusing to accept the drudgery of existence. And he'll probably read that and be offended, and I'm sorry, but it's true. I spent three years fighting like hell and then I went completely fucking insane and I don't know if I'm ever coming back from it. And I don't know if I care. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. I don't understand the value of fighting so hard when everyone IS miserable. None of my friends are happy. Most of them drink or smoke pot or fuck to pretend that they are, and when they're not doing that, they dream of acheiving or attaining something that they think will make them happy. I drink to pretend I'm happy; I can't stand the smell of pot, so I've never done it; fucking makes me want to die more than any other action on the planet; and I spent years dreaming of something I thought would make me happy, but then I got to FIT and I couldn't cut it. So I cut myself instead, and went a little too deep for most people's liking, and asked for help and ended up in the looney bin. I wish I had killed myself that afternoon instead of going to see my counselor at FIT. I wish I would have killed myself that night I took those pills instead of telling Keith and Pete what I'd done. I wish I would have jumped into traffic one of those hundreds of times I crossed the street on my way to or from school. I wish I would have driven to the causeway and jumped off one of the countless times I've drunkenly considered doing just that. I wish I were dead right now instead of writing this post that makes me sound clinically depressed, self-pitying, borderline, anhedonic (is that even a correct form of that word?), dysthymic, sociopathic, and just downright pathetic. Current Mood: miserable Current Music: if you like pina coladas...getting caught in the rain... | ||
| Monday, May 31st, 2004 | |||
| 12:12 am | another year ahead, another year behind I turned 21 on Tuesday. I'm now working on becoming a legal alcoholic instead of an underage drinker who needs enabling friends to supply her with liquor. Birthdays make me contemplative (they do that to most people, I assume). So here's a rambling post about nothing and everything all at once... For those of you who know me, sorry for the bluntness. For those of you who don't know me, sorry if I come off as dramatic. Last year at this time, I wasn't in school. I hadn't been for almost a year. I was working full-time as a supervisor at Barnes & Noble and I hated it. I was applying to FIT for the fall semester. I was miserable because I felt like I was wasting valuable time. This year, I'm not in school because I essentially flunked out. I busted my ass for two semesters, withdrew medically from both, and ended up in the mental hospital at the end of February. My ex-boyfriend moved in with me, I took almost two months off from work, gave up on school, and tried to give up on life. I tried to kill myself once (AFTER I got out of the hosptial and WITH the drugs they prescribed me) but changed my mind in the middle of it. Pete and Keith made me eat bread (where's Marie Antoinette when you need her?) and drink water on my bathroom floor. I felt like a histrionic drama queen. I spent weeks sleeping 18 hours a day and thinking about dying, but eventually my antidepressants kicked in a little bit and I went back to work. I'm working in receiving, which I think might actually be worse than working on the floor, but it's only been a week, so we'll see. I have no idea if I'll go back to school or not. I tried as hard as I could at the one thing I wanted to do -- space science -- and I couldn't do it, either because I lack the intelligence or the emotional stability or both. I can return to FIT within two years without reapplying. Or I can go back to BCC for a few credits & reapply to FIT to transfer back over. Or I can get a degree I don't want for much less blood sweat and tears and almost as much debt, then get a job I hate to pay off the loans. Or I can work my way up at Barnes & Noble again and still have a job I hate but no loans (my guess is I'd have the same amount of disposable income either way). Or I can just not think about it and drink a lot. I went from being violently single to being engaged, partly because I faced abuse from my past and partly because I found a relationship that was unconventional enough to fall outside the parameters I always hated. I'm still violently single in spirit, which probably sounds trite, but it makes sense to me. I love him not because he is the one man who will tolerate a sexless marriage but because of what lies behind that tolerance: the fact that he sees me not as threeholestopenetrate but as a person. And we won't get married for years; the self-inflicted scars on my arms, the bills from Circles of Care and FIT, and the crying fits in the bathroom at work have to be far behind by the time that happens. And who knows when that will be. My friends had a surprise party for me on my birthday. Knowing that all those people care enough about me to throw me a party makes me cry. I had a blast. Thank you to all...although most of you will never read this. I love each and every one of you. So...on the agenda for the coming year: figure out the whole school thing. Don't lose job. Fix my teeth. (I have an adult tooth growing in behind a baby tooth that never fell out, which is turning out to be a painful, arduous, and expensive problem). Keep taking medication. Look forward, not back. And when all else fails, DRINK Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: the pinging of IM | ||
| Friday, May 21st, 2004 | |||
| 7:42 pm | 1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? no 2. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? no 3. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? the middle ones 4. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? last night 5. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? print, yes; script, no 6. ANY BAD HABITS? so many 7. WHAT IS YOUR BEST CD ON THE SHELF? I dunno...that's way too subjective 8. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so 9. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? no 10. DO LOOKS MATTER? in this culture, yes 11. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? usually on myself 12. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? with my friends 13. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? surprisingly, yes 14. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? well, it changed all the time, but I had a thing for Cabbage Patch Kids, My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Popples, Playmobil, trolls...I definitely miss my Popple the most, but probably only because it's so much fun to say 15. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? well, I was a science major, so I'd have to say humanities 16. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? yes 17. DO YOU USE SARCASM? yes 18. WHAT IS ATTRACTIVE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I jacked this from Ann Marie's journal, and I don't know her that well...but having seen a picture, I'd say her smile 19. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? kindness 20. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? dirty blonde slut, Robbinhood, cockring (it has to do with my last name) 21. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? no 22. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? no 23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk 24. SHOE SIZE? 8 25. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? purple and silver 26. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? my sister 27. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? "Friends" on TV 28. LAST THING YOU ATE? potato chips (yech) 29. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my friend Brad 30. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? the fact that he is the opposite sex 31. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? yes 32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? blah 33. FAVORITE DRINK? Coke 34. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? screwdriver 35. FAVORITE SPORTS? I hate sports 36. HAIR COLOR? blonde 37. EYE COLOR? green 38. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? sometimes 39. SIBLINGS? one older sister 40. FAVORITE MONTH? I don't have one 41. FAVORITE FOOD? mashed potatoes 42. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" 43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? I don't have one 44. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? yeah probably 45. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? happy endings 46. SUMMER OR WINTER? in Florida, there's hardly a difference 47. HUGS OR KISSES? definitely hugs 48. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ORAL SEX? sure 49. DOES SIZE MATTER? as long as you keep it away from me, I don't care what size it is 50. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have a laptop, so I don't have a mouse pad 51. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit 52. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? ummm...I think I watched "The King of Queens" reruns...but I was reading a book at the same time, I swear 53. FAVORITE SMELLS? Diesel cologne, rain 54. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? nonononononononopleaseno 55. WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST KISS? aww, do I have to embarrass myself? 56. WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST TIME? I prefer to think of myself as a born-again virgin, thankyouverymuch 57. BEST FEATURE? I have no idea...lips, maybe? 58. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? dark green 1995 Toytoa Camry...it matches my eyes (looong story) 59. BEACH OR MOUNTAINS? I left the mountains for the beach, and it was definitely the right choice Current Mood:  blah | ||
| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 | |||
| 9:55 pm | So I guess this is a major depressive disorder episode. I haven't felt this bad for this long since I lived with my parents. I'm taking two different antidepressants and going to therapy and I still feel like crap. I don't talk to my friends anymore because I know I'll lose them if they spend too much time around me...nobody likes to be dragged down along with someone who's miserable. I haven't been to work in weeks and school is long gone. I have completely lost myself. And, just for added fun, I'm having a really annoying dental problem that probably can't be easily fixed. Sigh. Current Mood: miserable Current Music: the TV | ||
| Saturday, May 8th, 2004 | |||
| 4:39 pm | maybe I'm lucky I'm not in school anymore Guard dies after shooting on Florida Tech campus in Melbourne MELBOURNE, Fla.— Police said Royce McCain, 73, of West Melbourne, was found shot to death near a walkway leading to the Florida Tech campus botanical garden in southern Brevard County. "It appeared he suffered a gunshot," said Sgt. Riordan, spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department. Detectives were attending an autopsy on McCain's body this afternoon. "As of yet, we haven't identified a motive for this crime," said Melbourne Police Chief Don Carey, who went to the shooting scene earlier in the day. "So we suggest that everybody take normal personal safety precautions," said Carey, speaking of security concerns some might have on the campus and in surrounding residential areas. The shooting occurred under a canopy of palm trees, near a gazebo adjacent to the security office and southeast of Shaw Hall, a witness said. Students have nicknamed the botanical area "The Jungle" and have been warned not to go back there at night because of poor lighting. Melbourne police received the call around 5 a.m., said Lt. Steve Fernez, Melbourne police department's lead detective on this case. Riordan said the call notifying authorities of the shooting was made by another security guard, but he could not specify whether it came in via 911. Police early this morning interviewed a taxi driver who they considered a witness, not a suspect, Riordan said. The circumstances of the shooting were unknown early today. Fernez could not say whether the shooting was a homicide or a self-inflicted gun shot wound or whether a gun had been found at the scene. "I just don't know yet," Fernez said. Riordan said the guards at Florida Tech are not armed while they work. Jay Wilson, director of communications for Florida Tech said the "close-knit campus" was "shocked and saddened to learn of the death on campus of the security officer." Television images showed police checking a sport utility vehicle in a parking lot near the security office. Officials from the Brevard County Medical Examiner's Office arrived on the scene around dawn today. Crime scene technicians with the Melbourne police department have photographed the body, which was removed from campus around 10 a.m.. Regular classes on the campus were not scheduled today because the university is on break following graduation ceremonies on Saturday. Summer school has not yet begun. However, students are on campus and have been seen walking in and out of the buildings. Crime scene tape has been wrapped around the area where the body was found as well as around a late-model brown GMC pickup in the parking lot of the security office. No other cars in the parking lot have been roped off. Two members of the school's psychology department have gone to the area and are helping staff members deal with the grieving process. The area where the body was found has been the site of a recent assault, according to Wilson. A female student was assaulted by an unidentified male. The student managed to get away. "It was a month ago," Wilson said. - J.D. Gallop, FLORIDA TODAY | ||
| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004 | |||
| 5:22 pm | oops According to my sister, who has worked at a family planning clinic more recently than me, condoms are not as effective as birth control pills when it comes to preventing pregnancy. I guess my contraceptive statistics are a little rusty. I stand corrected. Current Mood:  ditzy | ||
| 5:22 pm | oops According to my sister, who has worked at a family planning clinic more recently than me, condoms are not as effective as birth control pills when it comes to preventing pregnancy. I guess my contraceptive statistics are a little rusty. I stand corrected. Current Mood: ditzy | ||
| 3:00 pm | This has been bugging me all day, and I'm thinking maybe if I write it down it will go away. I went to the doctor this morning to have my thyroid tested. The nurse practitioner that I see is really nice, but she annoyed the hell out of me as follows: "Have you been having any problems with your periods?" "No." "Are you on birth control?" "No." "Are you TRYING to have a baby?!" "NO!" "Are you sexually active?" "NO." "Oh, okay..." AS THOUGH THERE AREN'T OTHER FORMS OF BIRTH CONTROL BESIDES PILLS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND JUST BECAUSE I'M LIVING WITH A GUY AUTOMATICALLY MEANS I'M LETTING HIM FUCK ME!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!! I HATE OUR SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!!! See, I knew I'd get the 3rd degree about sex. I hate that. Doctors always want to know if I'm getting dick. It's especially frustrating for me because of where I used to work -- I know all about birth control and unwanted pregnancy. Plus, I'm not a moron. Plus, I never want to have kids. Plus, I hate sex. Plus, I've always been smart enough to use a condom, even when completely snockered. Plus, I'm not supposed to take hormones because two women in my family have had breast cancer. Condoms have the same rate of effectiveness as pills. Why are women expected to take care of birth control? I read somewhere about several forms of male birth control that are safer and more effective than female methods; for instance, heating the testicles in warm water (not at home, obviously this is a medical procedure) for a certain amount of time temporarily deadens sperm..."temporarily" being several months, as I recall. Anyway. I was just shocked that telling someone I'm not taking birth control pills automatically suggests I'm trying to have a baby. That really pissed me off. Current Mood:  annoyedCurrent Music: "The Wayne Brady Show" on tv | ||
| 12:40 pm | I haven't heard from my best friend in a week. We used to talk every day. I don't know if she's busy or dealing with something or if she's just tired of me. I say this not out of mopey self-flagellation but out of well-grounded suspicion...I don't like depressed people, either, and I also don't like being around myself. I wouldn't mind just being TOLD "I'm sick of you." It would be better than wondering, because, really, I understand. I've stopped talking about my problems for the most part, but apparently that hasn't helped. Oh well. The ironic part is that her on-again, off-again boyfriend, who is a coworker I used to fight with endlessly, calls me all the time. I guess you never know who your true friends are. Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: traffic | ||
| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004 | |||
| 4:19 am | Wow, I hate being awake. Current Mood: awake | ||
| Friday, April 23rd, 2004 | |||
| 5:01 am | Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Friend 1) "It's okay." It's NOT OKAY, if it was do you think your friend would be like this? 2) "It's going to be okay." If s/he were capable of seeing or believing that, would s/he be like this? 3) "You just have to get yourself out of the hole you're in." And the award for most blatant statement of the obvious goes to... 4) "You need a hobby." First of all, you can't just *poof* find a hobby. It has to be something you come into and realize you enjoy. Secondly, a major part of being depressed is NOT ENJOYING THINGS YOU NORMALLY WOULD. So how the fuck would your friend have the energy to enjoy something new? Here's what you SHOULD say: "Why don't you eat your sorrows away? Here, here's some ice cream. Better yet, make it into a shake with some vodka. You'll be feeling better any minute now..." | ||
| 4:19 am | I fucking hate goddamn inconsiderate assholes who WAKE ME UP after I've finally drugged myself to sleep and then snore so that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to sleep at all, after being up for 4 fucking hours in the middle of the night because they woke me up in the first place. Fucking bastard. Sleep is the only fucking state in this miserable existence that doesn't hurt like a thousand razor blades tearing through my flesh and I fucking want to kill anyone who takes it away. It's the only fucking vice I have left. Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: you guessed it; SNORING | ||