I can only take so much credit for my success, though. I played tight enough that I didn't get myself in trouble, but I got paid off on hands all night - even when I sooooo didn't deserve to.

I won Omaha when A♠2♠xx became the nut flush and nut low. I won Omaha when T♥T♣ was joined by T♦ on the flop and T♠ on the turn. I didn't even have to call Omaha, since Helmut was calling it every time it came around to him. Even when I missed the flop I was reading the table, and was able to get people to dump when I bet from late position. Maybe I have fewer tells than I think.

Oddly enough, all of the crazy hands came in the typically low-risk, low reward game of 5 card draw. Churchwarden had bullied the table to minimal results by betting the max ($5) predraw on two hands in a row. Both times, the rest of the table (Helmut, Rick, Leo Bloom and me) all folded. With .25 antes, Churchwarden wasn't making much by jamming the pot, but he reports that he had trips both times and was hoping that he would get callers the second time because it seemed like such a bluff. No luck for Churchy, and he had to settle for $2.

The next time 5 card draw came around, nobody bet predraw. I had 4-5-7-8-x and took a shot at the inside straight. When I asked for one card, Churchwarden played a little keep away: "Is this the card you want? Are you sure? Maybe you want the second card..." - but I wanted the top card - a 6. After the draw, Helmut, who had taken three cards, bet the max. Well, god damn! Not looking to be greedy, I just called. And waited to slap my cards on the table. No dice. Helmut turned JK into quad Jacks and my straight looked positively puny. Still thanked Churchwarden for dealing me the card I wanted. One must be curteous, you know.

A few orbits later, Rick decided to throw a little wild card action into the mix. Probably inspired by Helmut's quads, he called 5 card draw with Jacks wild. Leo bet the max preflop. Helmut called and looked down at A♥2♥4♥5♥x. Believing (as Churchwarden wanted me to) that all of this predraw betting was just so much bullying (and looking at a nut flush draw), I called. And much to my surprise, Rick raised another $5. Calls all around. Pre flop there was already $41.25 in the pot on a game that usually has one player steal the blinds with a $1 bet. Yikes. I imagine Churchwarden was comfortable with his fold.

Leo stands pat. Helmut takes three. I take one and get ... 3♥! I stifled the urge to yell "Holy shit!" and just waited for Leo to bet. $5 from Leo it is. Helmut threw down his cards after an ill-advised $10 investment. I, of course, raised. Rick, wary now, called as did an equally suspicious Leo. When I turned over the wheel straight flush, a chorus of "No fucking way" and "What the fuck" filled the room. The cursing wasn't as sublime as Marie's c-bomb, but what it lacked in majesty, it more than made up for in sincerity. Leo couldn't believe that his natural AQ flush (no draw) lost. Rick was even more surprised that when his two wild jacks became an AKQ flush it wasn't enough. I even had the nerve to be upset that neither of them reraised me. At the time it made no sense to me. But if I were to guess now, Rick and Leo must have both figured that when I drew one card, two pair became a full house. No more looking into the mouth of this gift horse. I'll take my big pot and move on.

Final tally:

Ugarte + $107.50 USD
Churchwarden + $25.75 USD
Leo Bloom - $13.25 USD
Helmut - $50.00 USD
Rick - $70.00 USD
PTBNL (not present)

Ferrari has called a game for Monday, but that's because he has accepted a false god. I'll be at a seder with my family.
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Problem is, the guy in second position (who limped in, remember) calls all-in. I take back about $3,000, and the cards are turned:

ME: K♠ K♦

Number 2: A♣ J♠ (!)

Number 3: Q♣ Q♥

I'm feeling pretty good since I was expecting 2 to have AA. The flop comes, and a J hits, but so what? I'm still a huge favorite to win (huger, in fact, now that there are only two cards to come).

So what is the A♠ on the turn, is what.

Now, at this point I'm resigned to losing, but there are three spades on the board, so with the K♠ in my hand and the J♠ in Number 2's hand, I've still got 9 outs. Right?

Obviously, I didn't improve and got knocked out on the next hand by 88 when I went all-in with A5s against A8o.

Now, Two Dimes says that my chances of winning that second hand were less than 30%, whereas my chances of winning the KK hand were 58.17%. I'd be inclined to believe them, except they also claim that I had 10 outs going into the river:

pokenum -h kd ks - ac js - qc qh -- 2s jc 9s as
Holdem Hi: 42 enumerated boards containing As 9s 2s Jc
cards win %win lose %lose tie %tie EV
Ks Kd 10 23.81 32 76.19 0 0.00 0.238
Js Ac 31 73.81 11 26.19 0 0.00 0.738
Qc Qh 1 2.38 41 97.62 0 0.00 0.024

I thought this might be because it was missing the J♠ in my opponent's hand, except it correctly limits Queenie's outs to one, since Q♠ would give me the winning flush. Any thoughts?
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Eternal Sunshine tells the story of Joel Barrish’s (Jim Carey) decision to remove all memory of his ex-girlfriend (Kate Winslet), but a number of other stories creep in over the course of the movie. It starts slowly and after about fifteen minutes I was worried that it was going to be a “smart” but boring movie. However, showing a patience that is nearly non-existent in movies these days, the story slowly builds to a crescendo. There are few wasted scenes and the peripheral characters become increasingly relevant, in an almost Dickensian fashion of interconnectedness, as the full story unfolds. This is a very effective style of storytelling and I wish more movies employed it. But, alas, it appears Hollywood does not think the modern moviegoer has such patience.

The acting is phenomenal. Jim Carey is excellent and surprisingly effective playing a non-comedic, somewhat mousy character and Kate Winslet also delivers a strong performance as Clementine. The supporting cast is also great, including Tom Wilkinson, a nerdy looking Mark Ruffalo, Elijah Wood (without any close-ups of his eyes) and Kirsten Dunst, who is excellent as always (and as an added bonus we get a scene with her in her skivvies jumping up and down on a bed – and it doesn’t even seem gratuitous).

The story is interesting, funny, sad, heart tugging and uplifting at various different times. However, I did feel that there was more there that could have been mined, which is why Eternal Sunshine ultimately gets the (***½) rating rather than the elusive four stars. Also, the final twist, while good, unfortunately also made the actual ending a little forced.

We need more movies like this, but the marketing for Eternal Sunshine has been unimpressive. I had no desire to see this movie after seeing the previews and didn’t change my mind until I learned it was written by Charlie Kaufman and saw its 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. While I do think a better job could have been done marketing Eternal Sunshine, it is an unfortunate reality that it is much easier to market a formulaic, overly simplistic piece of crap than a complex and original movie. Eternal Sunshine is only on pace to make about $35 million. I encourage everyone to vote with their feet and then spread the word – unless of course you only like formulaic crap.

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#2 N.J. vs. #7 Cleveland: After a post All-Star break surge, the Cavs have fallen back, now 2 games out of the playoffs. But LeBron NEEDS to be in the playoffs for Stern and for NIKE, so look for the stars to align (and for them to pick up the extra ½ game on the Knicks so we can see Reggie at the Garden). Shit, LeBron and Co. might even beat the slumping Nets.

#1 Sacramento vs. #8 Denver: It is a three team race for the final playoff spot out West and the Jazz (who seem immune to all "outside" influences) somehow occupy the last spot with a bunch of nobodies. But Melo also needs to go to the playoffs, so look for the Nuggets to back door in. While the Lakers are surging and closing fast on Sacramento, now that CWeb is ruining the Kings chemistry, look for Sacramento to hold on to the #1 seed, so the NBA can at least pretend that someone might be able to stop L.A. from romping to another title.

No conspiracy stories to tell in the rest of the seedings.
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According to Two Dimes, my AQs was only a very slight favorite against Pauly's A8o and Mean Gene's 72o (note: I made up the suits b/c I don't recall what they were exactly, but that shouldn't make a significant difference in the numbers):


Figuring my odds were better than that, but also knowing my odds would be much better heads up, I bet to try and get Mean Gene out. If Gene had noticed me, he says he would have folded, leaving me with this pretty little picture:


But, it was not to be, so instead this was the picture:


So, Mean Gene becomes nearly a 2 to 1 favorite, and pulls of one of the most spectacular bad beats I've seen. But even pre-flop, Gene had almost 3 to 1 odds (where Pauly had closer to 4 to 1). Whereas asphnxma's (fuck it, from now on he is simply Harold) QQs got beat by QJo, which was nearly a 6 to 1 dog -- a much badder beat.

I mention this because it underscores the mathematics behind a fundamental tenet of poker: the more you know about the other hands, the more successful you will be. So don't just look at your AK, or QQ, and bet the house -- and don't put someone else on, say, JJ pre-flop, and then keep it there when their actions suggest A2, A7, or -- god forbid -- 72.
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Praise bleep. Bleep died for you. Bleep told me .... Bleep Bleep! How can I preach Bleep's message with all these God bleep bleeping bleeps interupting me. Bleep bleep!
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OK, let me get this straight. First, she'll talk publicly but not under oath (message: I will lie, but not if there are consequences to me personally for doing so). Now, she will testify publicly under oath, but only if no-one else in the White House has to do so (message: I am the sacrificial lamb whose body is being thrown into the machinery of this commission in order to prevent it from reaching the really embarassing stuff).

What happens when she takes the stand and, says "Let's not go there"? The NYT says that "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have agreed to a single joint private session with all 10 commissioners, with one commission staff member present to take notes of the session". Will they be under oath?

As I have said before, I understand that there may be sensitive information that requires that portions of the commission's hearings not be made public, but there is no excuse for not putting these people under oath. I want Bush and Cheney in separate rooms and under oath, so when their stories don't check out they can be prosecuted for perjury.
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First, please welcome the "Staff Picks" feature on the left hand side of the Cafe, where your gracious hosts will point you directly to their best work (or, if they are feeling particularly selfless, someone else's).

Second, please wecome two new poker blogs to the Gambling Room. The Fat Guy is actually long overdue. Ugarte asked me to put him up about a month ago, but I forgot. So, apologies and welcome. Also new to the Gambling Room is Riding the F-Train, a new blogger who plays a little game nobody really likes to call "the Cadillac of poker".

Finally, if anyone knows how to generate an RSS feed (preferably using pMachine RSS factory) from less than all the posts (i.e., only posts of a certain category), please e-mail me (use the E-MAIL link on the left there).
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My game, I have been told is too tight. I throw away things others at the table play (and win with) and while I am a consistent winner in the home games, my wins tend to be modest. I will make this one time a Rounders reference because it is fairly accurate: I am Knish. I don't make a living at this, so the comparison isn't perfectly apt, but the movie treatment of Knish seems to be on the ball. Low risk. Steady +EV. Tight. Dispensing advice that, in all honesty, should be taken. Knish is a great character, but I needed to change my game a little if I was going to have any real success at the table. So I did.

For the first time I really played position. I went for the blinds. I loosened up (for me) in late position. I bet middle pair when I felt that I was playing against nothing but overcards and draws. It was a new Ugarte and for a while things were going well. I started strong and was up early. I'm not a note-taker like Pauly, so I don't know what my early evening high water mark was, but I do know that the table noticed that I was in more hands than usual.

The early profits quickly dissipated, though. since I spent most of the night in a cloud. Even my early success didn't snap me back to earth, and my ethereal play became the subject of serious ribbing. As readers by now know, I am a stickler for poker etiquette. I consider the rules of the table a sign of respect to your opponents, and a repeated breaking of those rules a signal that you just don't give a fuck about those around you. So when I bet out of turn, you know something is fucked up. I stared at the cards when it was my turn to deal. I fumed internally at how long it was taking Ferrari to bet only to find that he had mucked his cards preflop, and it was me that the table was waiting for. Even Ferrari was zinging shit off of me but I was too addled to fight back. (NB: While he'd kick my ass if I stepped to him with malice aforethought, I would strongly suggest that you bet on me if it comes to an insult battle.)

The cards weren't coming ... unless I laid down my hand or they were accompanied by a board too scary to play. The strength that I showed early wasn't carrying over, and either my chips were dwindling or the felt was rising; either way, it wasn't good. If Ferrari's buy in was the same $60 that seems de rigeur at the other home games I play in, I would have had to rebuy. Fortunately, an angel smiled upon me. Having actually found the felt in front of him, Coach decided to pack it in and just as he left, Marie arrived. Her arrival changed the vibe at the game dramatically and for the better. A pretty girl (um, woman) will do that.

Of course, pretty and dainty aren't the same thing. Nothing says "treat me like one of the guys" like dropping a c-bomb on the table, but that is just what our fair Marie did. I can't even remember the context. All I know is that "cunt" rolled off of her lips in an always-classy British accent and almost knocked me out of my chair. Still, I was on the button (for 2/4 HE, 6 handed), and since position-conscious was the rule of the day for me and there were no limpers in front of me, that includes throwing a steal raise at the blinds with Q9. And in her first hand on the table, Marie reraised me! Cussing like a sailor and reraising out of the chute. Not a woman to be fucked with. Well, I guess I have to see the flop... Q-K-x. She checks to me, so I bet my middle pair and ... god damnit she checkraised me! I shouldn't have called, but I decided that since I had never seen her play before, I had to know if she was bluffing. Whatever came on the turn and the river, I was prepared to pay the likely $10 to see her cards. The turn was low, and as expected she bet and I called. But the river was a 9. I decided not to raise, since I didn't want to see KQ. I didn't. Marie flipped over QJo and I found myself with a pot I didn't deserve after a lucky river.

Ferrari's game changed also. He was a quiet killer all night. He won $186 but I can't remember a single hand he pulled (except the four tens in Anaconda). But when Marie sat down, his game became an entirely different animal. He bet hard into Marie on what seemed like (but probably wasn't) three hands in a row. Only once did he call Marie on the river to see her cards (and he mucked that hand also). Ferrari is obsessed with pot odds. Specifically, he is aware that once the pot reaches a certain level in a low-limit game, the call on the river is almost a no-brainer. It is hard to know exactly what he was trying to do. I thought that he was just dumping hands to Marie and I told him so after the game. He claims that he was trying to bully her with rags and dumped on the river when the bullying didn't work. He implores me to believe him because he is "too honest for his own good." But I just can't. It isn't because I think he is a liar; it is because I think he is a poker player. The least he can give me is that he went on tilt for a while. We'll see what he says. (We always see what he says.)

My lucky river 9 and Ferrari's "lost period" woke me up. I started playing real poker again. Omaha/8 was very kind to me and I won a lot off of Pauly in a game of 7card stack and roll when I was dealt a ♥ flush to the K. Pauly claimed to have a ♠ flush to the Q but ... he didn't show it. You know what? Pauly's a poker player too.

After my late night bounceback I cashed out +57 - a distant second to Ferrari, but a damn sight better than the night started.

Poker blog stuff

Felicia Lee set up a tournament for the blogger community at Planet Poker. At the time of this writing (1:15AM, well before I am setting this entry to go live) I know that Rick, Pauly and Mean Gene played and I expect to see writeups from all of them.

Update: You can start with Rick's. Then you can read Felicia's. And big ups to Genius of the Poker (who is not Boy Genius) who won the damn thing.

Mean Gene called some serious bullshit on Phil Hellmuth's nonsense advice to business leaders. I admit that Hellmuth can play some poker. He wouldn't be on TV at final table as much as he is if he couldn't walk the walk. Still, it is good that he is being taken to the woodshed because he is a Grade A windbag.

Jeremy at Love and Casino War is giving away Poker Tracker software to someone willing to admit to fishitude. I have no pride, so I threw my hat into the ring.

Last, and certainly not least, Stephen Elliott, the writer whose home game write-ups inspired this 'umble blog, is almost back. Back in SF after finishing numerous projects, including the promotional work for his book Happy Baby he promises to begin playing and reporting again. He started by posting a great tournament report by fellow writer Jamie Berger, so click the "home game write-ups" link. It is well worth it.
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Felicia deserves extra special poker props for having personally worked with everyone to make sure they got signed up (including yours truly, whose problem was he hadn't funded his account yet!). She also gets the booby prize for being first knocked out (her QQ got "cracked" by AA in the first or second hand of the game).

Other than stealing the blinds once, I only played two hands before getting knocked out. The first was a pre-flop raise by Pauly to which everyone folded. Knowing Pauly as I do, and holding A8s in one of the blinds, I called the raise. Flop was x-8-x, I check, and Pauly, no doubt concerned by my call, makes a modest bet. I call. Turn = 8. Gotcha, Pauly! Check, $200 bet, $600 raise, pause, call. The river comes and brings a possible flush (but not mine). I check, Pauly checks back. 888 wins, Pauly mucks. My guess is Pauly had something like Q7o.

The only other hand I played to showdown was spectacular. I'm sitting with AQs in last position, and Pauly goes all-in with his short stack (see hand above). I call, figuring him for -- at best -- Ax. Mean Gene also calls, which gets me worried. The flop comes 7 - 2 - A. I figure I've got Pauly dead to rights, and Mean Gene doesn't have Aces or AK, so I'm golden. I bet into Gene to get him out, but he goes all in, typing something like "I've got to do it". It occured to me that he might have the hammer, but only Pauly would call a $900 raise with the hammer, right? So, figuring him for something like JJ, I call (It occurs to me now that he might have had 77 -- folding would have left me with about $1900, enough to stay in it for a while; I should have folded, and I should have read that comment for what it was: a clear tell he had the hammer). Turn and river helped no-one, and Pauly and I both went out to the Hammer. Pauly had A8. As I told Mean Gene last night, he is my new hero.

I didn't stick around because I had to get up early this morning, so I don't know who won, but check out the links in our Gambling Room for other players' updates on the game.

A word about Planet Poker, whose interface has some nice touches (the "Tourney Info" feature is one of the more useful ones around), but wins the booby prize for having made poor use of avatars. I was a slim blonde with a peekaboo blue sequined dress (how did they know?), Pauly was a short-haired brunette, The Fat Guy had a sassy little pony tail, and Hdouble won the "hottest redhead at the table" award. Also, a cackling woman's laugh emanates from your computer speakers whenever anyone types "lol", and -- oddly -- a flushing sound when you type "loo" (don't ask me why people where typing "loo").
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Helmut's games are of a far different tenor than Ferrari's. The poker is less serious, the game more social. In fact, the motto of Helmut's Games should be "come for the food, stay for the inexperienced poker players," and Friday was no exception. In addition to Helmut, Ferrari, Rick and myself, the Friday game included Brother of Ugarte and Helmut's girlfriend, Sous Chef. But more importantly, Friday's game marked the return from South Africa of Heidi, the champion from The Tournament and her friend Jon. I have been waiting for this opportunity for some time, since she was apparently awful in the ring game I didn't attend, and she got me so mad at The Tournament that I was out for blood.

Hey, is that my blood? More on that in a moment.

And did I mention that there is good food? Helmut and Sous Chef whipped up make-your-nose-run-holy-shit-that-is-fucking-hot jambalaya and a very creative salad and provided a variety of beers and whiskeys. Back to poker.

I remember two hands clearly. First, an uncharacteristically awful play from Ferrari. I think Ferrari raised preflop with AQ (don't remember if it was suited, and it doesn't matter for the hand). Heidi bet out (raised?) when the flop fell K-9-x. And then there was a K on the turn. And a 9 on the river. And still Ferrari called her to the end. To the sound of a shreik like a car alarm, Heidi turned over Fido, proving that she was just as classy as ever. Still, two full houses is a pretty nice hand.

After the game Ferrari insisted that he won more money on the hand before it than he lost to the Two Family House, but I can't say that I remember that. I also remember the hand being more expensive than he recalls. Doesn't matter. He can rationalize all he wants, but when a second king hit on the turn, he should have been long gone and I think he knows this.

Second hand: Seven card stud. I called an early, but very small raise with an ace in the hole. Was it a mistake? Yes. The mistakes got bigger. I ended up in a raising war with Jon (who was showing AK) when I paired up my ace on 4th street. I got a 6 on 5th street, which is unremarkable except for the fact that I had a 6 in the hole as well. (Did I mention that Heidi was just calling all along? I should have. She had a pair of 4s showing.) 6th street was seemingly uneventful for everyone, though I will mention (for foreshadowing purposes only) that Heidi was dealt a J. If you are paying attention you will be a) horrified and b) not surprised when you find out that Jon and I capped the betting again, with Heidi unobtrusively calling all the way. For my final hole card I was dealt an 8. This would have been totally unhelpful until the hand quickly became something like that stupid parable about the horse. I first found out that I didn't have Aces up because my second hole card was a 5, not a 6. Bad news. But the 8, combined with the 7 and 4 that I didn't even describe in the recap because they seemed like blanks at the time gave me an I-don't-deserve-to-be-this-lucky straight. Good news! And then as I was raking up the chips, assuming that Heidi had mucked, someone pointed out that she just flipped over her first two hole cards: J4 which, if you have been paying attention, gave her 4s full of jacks. Very, very bad news! That's life, I guess. That hand cost me $50 and forced me to rebuy. And with that big pot, Heidi cashed in her chips and left the game up $140 in about an hour and a half of low-stakes play.

She played very well in her short time at the table, using a fake-confused act to full advantage but continuing her horrible sportsmanship. I leave it to Elton John to sum up Heidi's appearance at the game:

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I might be a little bitter. (Of course I don't actually think she is better than me - which might prove more than I realize - and I want to sit down with her again.)

As for the rest of the night, let's just say that Brother of Ugarte needs to read a bit about Omaha starting hands and strategy and Sous Chef has to become comfortable with folding hands that don't work out. Despite my early setback, I killed the table after the rebuy and ended up the big non-Heidi winner. Unfortunately I waited too long for this write-up. I don't remember the wins and can't report on them. The only reason I remember the losses is that I still see the scars and they remind me.

Tote board:

Heidi +$138.25
Ugarte +$76.50
Rick +$39.50
Ferrari +$10.25
Jon -$6
Brother of Ugarte -$58.50
Helmut/Sous Chef -$198

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***½ A very good movie. Doesn’t have quite the “oomph” to get four stars, but is highly recommended. From 2003, Capturing the Friedmans would probably fall into this category. Old movies would include Return of the Jedi, Indian Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, Clerks, The Matrix, Black Hawk Down, Caddyshack.

*** A good movie; an enjoyable movie. Recommended, but not a must see. Lost in Translation, Master and Commander, Bad Santa, Elf, X-Men and X-2.

**½ A decent to good movie. Could be the type of movie that has some strong, perhaps even very strong, points, but doesn’t sustain itself all the way through. Probably worth seeing if the movie is your “type,” but probably not if it isn’t. I’ll probably put a lot of movies into this category, since I tend to avoid movies that suck, but am not easily impressed. 21 Grams, Mystic River, The Dreamers, Big Fish, Finding Nemo, Last Samurai.

** An average movie. It won’t be painful to watch, is moderately enjoyable and, in the right context, can be a good experience. Decent formula movies go here. Decent movies with something “original” get **½ stars. Rounders, Pirates of the Caribbean, Matrix ReLoaded.

*½ A weak movie that does not offend. Or possibly an ok movie that, nevertheless, sets back the movie making industry. Demonlover, most Adam Sandler movies, The Mummy. I have not seen it, but from what I have heard, I suspect the Passion falls here.

* A bad movie. A movie you should stay away from. Might have a few minutes of real drama or humor, but as a whole is garbage. Matrix Revolutions.

½ A worthless piece of harmless crap lacking in redeeming qualities. Any movie with Pauly Shore in it.

No Stars A worthless piece of crap that sets back the movie making industry and the pursuit of art. Batman and Robin.

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So . . . is Mike McDermott (Matt Damon) gay? Let’s examine the evidence. First, we never see him get it on with Gretchen Mol. Now, admittedly, she appears to be a high maintenance, controlling, “I take law school way to seriously” type. But still, she’s kind of cute. Sure, there is a scene where Mike kind of indicates that he wants some action, but he doesn’t try very hard. And remember that line about the first time he has felt alive since he got cracked was sitting at a poker table? She sure thought it meant something – and it wasn’t that she was making the earth move for him. Then, after Gretchen Mol moves out, Famke Jenssen shows up in a short skirt, collects a $1000 from Matt and then makes her intentions quite clear. Matt turns her down cold. Rick said “now that’s discipline.” No, discipline is laying down top two pair when you know you are drawing against a straight. Turning down a roll with Famke Jenssen after your girlfriend leaves you is a sign of something else. Finally, at the end of the movie, Mike gets a little too excited over Teddy KGB’s butt fucking taunting. Verdict – playing for the other team.

Will Mike get cracked in Vegas? Again, let’s examine the evidence. First, Mike decides he “belongs” because he bluffed Johnny Chan out of a hand at a $300/600 table and then ran away with his winnings. Well whoop de damn doo! Johnny Chan is a world champion. He sits down at a high stakes table where a bunch of rich guys are happy to lose money to him to say they played with Johnny Chan. But there is this guy at the other end of the table, with a look of a poker player, who sits there for an hour not playing a hand. Then this guy raises Johnny and confidently re-raises after Johnny bets back in to him. Johnny knows what’s going on, either this guy has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, finally got it and is looking to get paid; or he has been sitting there for an hour waiting for a monster hand, hasn’t gotten it, but is willing to say fuck it and see if he can try and bluff Johnny Chan. You know why Johnny Chan is a world champion? Because he is not going to get into a pissing contest to find out. Congratulations Mike. You are good enough that a world champion cannot get a complete read on you and see right through you after you have been sitting at a table for an hour not playing hands. Yeah, you belong.

Second, let’s look at Mike’s first loss to Teddy KGB. First, you are simply a dimwit, even if your name is Stu Unger, if you buy into a no limit game with your entire stake. No matter how good you are, you have to be able to ride the swings. Hard to do if you put your entire stake on the line (unless you only go all in with the stone cold nuts, which would limit your play a fair bit, especially when the pros figure out that is what you are doing). Second, Mike thought he was setting a trap with the second best possible hand and got fucked because KGB happened to have the best possible hand and Mike inadvertently played right into it. Is that a sign that you don’t know what you are doing? No. Unless, of course, you have risked your entire stake on one sitting of no limit and now you just lost it. Mike’s crisis of doubt over his play (rather than stupidly risking all of his High Society) indicates he may not be able to handle swings all that well.

Now let’s consider the film’s climatic ending. Has Mike learned anything? No. A little taunting by KGB and Mike is on tilt ready to risk everything after he already saved his ass. So he figures out how to crack KGB. Well whoop de damn doo! KGB has all the markings of a bully who is pretty damn good, but he’s not ready for prime time. Think KGB would let Johnny Chan into his establishment? Hell no! His tell was fucking obvious and what the hell was that play at the end?!? Ok, flop comes with a possible straight. Guy checks, you bet, he calls. You put him on a draw. Turn card comes, no help. He checks, you bet the pot, he calls. River card, no help. He checks. You bet the pot?!? Why the fuck would you do that? If you were correct and he was on a draw, he folds and you only get what was in the pot (same as if you checked, assuming you actually had something). And if he was slow playing you the whole way? You get fucked in the ass, nice and slow. Only way KGB’s final bet makes sense is if he was bluffing the whole way, or only had a pair and was worried that Mike was not on a draw but had low two pair or something. In which case he is still probably fucked because if Mike was just calling with two pair the whole way, thinking you were bluffing, why would he fold now? Also, Ugarte pointed out to me that the KGB’s reference to “check, check, check” may have implied that Mike had been setting KGB up by checking and calling hands to the river all night, only to fold. Two problems with that theory though. One, Mike probably didn’t have enough money to do that. Two, you are still a stupid ass if you bet all in there, because sooner or later he’ll actually be doing that with something and call you for all your money.

Finally, how does the movie end? Mike is on his way to Vegas dreaming of winning the World Series of poker. Verdict – Mike is going to get cracked. He could probably grind out a good living in Vegas, but he is going to shoot for the moon and get his ass handed to him by the real pros.

Back to KGB. He probably still made money losing to Mike, because the word is going to get around and players not as good as Mike will probably come gamble with him, thinking they can crack him to.

Finally, why was Grandma (billed simply as Russian Thug on IMDB) so pissed that Mike lost? He gets his money either way – actually, he probably doesn’t, because if Mike loses then he gets bupkis (depending on what his arrangement with KGB was). Ugarte thinks he just wanted to break some more heads. Maybe.

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My alma mater, the Pitt Panthers were playing in the quarterfinals of the Big East Tournament at Madison Square Garden today at noon. I had hoped to make it down there in time to catch the entire game but, alas, work interfered and I was not able to make until only about 10 minutes were left in the game.

When I finally arrive, there is a line to buy tickets. Figuring that most people are there to buy advance tickets, I step forward and get the attention of the guy in front of me.

“Excuse me,” I say, “are you here to buy a ticket for the game currently being played?”

“No,” he responds.

“Well, would you mind if I go ahead of you?” I ask. “There’s only about 10 minutes left in the game. My Alma Mater, Pitt, is playing and I’d like to catch as much of it as I can.”

He does not respond. Rather, he just looks at me like I just asked him to step out of line and dance a jig. After a few awkward moments of silence, I put a sort of exasperated look on my face, mumble “ok” and begin to step back, not feeling in the mood to push the subject. At this point (did I mention, by the way, that this guy looked a little shady, perhaps a scalper type) he starts chastising me.

“Well, why are you arriving with only 10 minutes to go in the game?” he asks in a sort of neutral, but slightly derogatory way.

I smile. “I got stuck at work. But, I wanted to catch the last few minutes of the Pitt game anyway.”

“Why don’t you just watch it on T.V.” he asks in the same tone, waiving his hand at the Garden T.V. monitor (which is showing St. Joe’s v. Xavier game, rather than the game being played in the Garden).

“Well, that isn’t the game on the monitor and I wanted to support Pitt in person.”

“What are you”, he asks, “some kind of Pitt fan?”

I should note at this point that, in addition to my prior references to attending Pitt, I was wearing a t-shirt with the word PITT is huge letters covering my entire chest (which was just about eye level for this somewhat short man).

That was pretty much the end of it. I said something like “yeah see the t-shirt and I mentioned I went there a few times” and then probably muttered “Jesus” as I stepped back, admirably restraining myself from telling this guy off.

When he did finally make it to the front, I only overheard snippets of his conversation with the clerk, though it didn’t sound like he was making much sense. He left the window without buying a ticket.

Finally, I make it to the front and, of course, the game is sold out. Fucking Syracuse fans! (2nd game of a 2 for 1) I caught the last 7 minutes on ESPN2 in my apartment.

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I didn't play particularly well. To be perfectly frank, today was a pretty rough day emotionally. Even though I had been looking forward to the blogger tournament, by the time it came around I wasn't really in the right mindset for play. I won a few hands early with position raises and was able to get others to fold, but those small wins only barely kept pace with the money I was losing in blinds and missed flops. I honestly don't remember what I had in those hands, except to say that I wasn't bluffing. (I know that is not very convincing, but the hands weren't really memorable, and I don't feel like combing the hand history.)

I then got a phone call from my mother, which brought up all of the stuff I had been dealing with all day, so after 20 minutes of post-and-fold for the conversation I came back to the table even worse than when I left it. In addition, I had a stack of ~1400. After folding for a little while, I finally got a hand that was playable. I'll let you decide if the play I made was the right one. (Hint: I think it wasn't.)

With no limpers in front of me, I raised my A♦8♦ and was called by Boy Genius (I think) from the BB. The flop was A-T-x rainbow and when gza checked, I bet 500 and got check-raised all-in. So, should I have called? Well, I called, and Genius showed me AQo. All that will help me now is an 8 ... and there it is on the turn. (No queens ... no queens ... no queens ...) And the river isn't a queen! Its a 10! And ... and ...

Suddenly Boy Genius and I both have aces and tens, but he's got me outkicked and kicked out. Tournament over.

Actually, that is much more dramatic than it actually looked because, as I am sure blogs all over have already written, True Poker has some serious problems with the way it handles all-in situations. In fact, within a millisecond of my call the turn and river were on the board, both of our hands were face up, my avatar had turned into a shadow and I had to quickly scan the board and his hand to figure out why I lost. In fact, I noticed that he had a higher kicker than me before I realized that, had the cards been dealt one at a time, I would have had a moment of elation on the turn before being punched in the gut on the river.

It was a recurring theme: the players go all-in, the cards all appear at once, a winner is declared and the chat fills up with "I looked away ... what did he have?" Even the players in the hand don't have time to figure out exactly what happened in a hand without the aid of a hand history. As Rick said to me as we were watching the final table, "The program slowly passes the button around the table, but flips (and cleans up) the cards faster than you can read them." I didn't even see the final hand.

Other flaws in the true poker software:

1) The actual laughing when someone types "lol" is annoying.

2) You can't observe the other tables while you are playing.

3) You can't play in a ring game while the tournament is going on.

4) The board is very space-inefficient. There is too much black space around the board, and you can't change the size of it. It sits in the middle of the screen, so if you want to keep the chat log/play log it has to sit at least partially on top of the play area.

5) The play log doesn't list the cards that you were holding, nor does it include what other people played at showdown - so you can't review the hand until you get the hand history.

6) There is no place to type in your bets; to raise you have to use the slider.

Anyway, it is kind of cumbersome, and with the possible exception of blogger tourneys, I think I am done with True Poker.

Some additional comments:

I didn't see much of Rick's game because we were at different tables. I did see the hand he busted out on, though: a stone bluff on the river when he was shortstacked. Risky move and it backfired.

I got to watch some Pauly, though. Pauly was at Rick's table, so I didn't see him until after I busted. By the time I got there he had a decent stack, and with a couple of solid wins he moved into the chip lead. By the time the game moved to the final table, Pauly had a huge chip lead. He then took his big stack and used it to push people around. He was raising from UTG, late position, the blinds - and he was building a superhuge stack. Unfortunately you could se it coming - when somebody finally raised Pauly, you could be damn sure that they had a hand you didn't want to mess with. Just as I suspeced, Pauly was tilty enough that he didn't survive very long when StickandMove and Chris Halverson were finally dealt good cards. (On the other hand, third place is nice, so I don't think I'll give any more shit to Pauly.)

After the tournament was over I signed on to Bugsy's Club (who, incidentally, have the best interface I've seen) and played a couple of SNGs. I busted out early and embarrassingly in a 5+.50 NLHE SNG. I then finished in 2d in a limit Omaha/8 SNG. Net for the day: -16. Blech.

Congratulations are also in order for Felicia Lee, who finished in 5th and StickAndMove who finished in fourth.

You know, I really thought that Wil Wheaton was going to show up, but I guess he had other plans.

Finally, a big shout out to Iggy for setting this game up.
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McCain has said he "would entertain it." But he also added that "It's impossible to imagine the Democratic Party seeking a pro-life, free-trading, non-protectionist, deficit hawk." To be honest with you, other than the pro-life, which the V.P. couldn't really impact that much, I don't have a problem with the rest and even though there are plenty of issues I disagree with McCain on, I have always admired his independence.
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Ferrari's Home Game

The action at Ferrari's is dealer call, with most of the calls either 7-stud with a .25 ante and spread limit .25-5 or a round of 2/4 hold 'em or Omaha/8 (so that everyone gets the button and everyone pays the blinds). The buy-in is a cool $100. Ferrari upped the buy-in for two reasons: (1) he is trying to coax the crew into higher limits (though we are essentially content to keep playing the game we're playing) and (2) the higher buy-in means less need to rebuy. Reason #2 didn't work out so well.

The game had so much action and there were so many swings that there were rebuys all over the place. Sam and Joel both bought more chips from Pauly. Helmut bought chips from Ferrari ... who then bought them back from Helmut. Pauly passed the cash from Sam and Joel over to me when his stack dwindled toward the felt.

I was the first to call, so I called Hold 'em, feeling it was too early to annoy the table by calling Omaha/8 - a game that only I really like. Ferrari came out of the gate like a madman. There were only five players for the first deal, and he raised on four of the five hands in the hold 'em round. I am pretty sure that he saw the river on each of the first four hands, and may have seen it for the last one. It is difficult to believe that he had so many raising hands in a row, but he claims otherwise. I don't recall that he ever had to show his cards, so I rely on his word that the worst hand he had during that stretch was 99. I didn't have to worry about Ferrari's aggressive play because I saw paint only once in five hands; I just stayed out of his way.

In any event, Ferrari won a few pots early but lost a big one when Pauly called his pre-flop raise with junk but caught a monster flop. This was the beginning of a long night for Ferrari. His strong starting hands never developed into anything and Pauly's loose-aggressive play meant that flops bad for Ferrari were inevitably pro-Pauly. In short order Ferrari was grumbling about the river and Pauly's willingness to see a lot of flops and Pauly was almost invisible behind his giant stack of chips. But when Pauly's contract with the devil expired, I was quick to sign on the dotted line.

In reality, I just played hold 'em tight and Omaha tighter. I bluffed a bit more than I usually do in stud, but I had the up cards to represent strength - and the final down card kept giving me what I was telling the table I had all along. I also decided to dispense with tactics like slowplaying or check-raising. There were too many people willing to call to allow anyone to get free cards and I was able to build bigger pots by betting than I could have by trying to trap the rest of the table.

In my absence Rick was taking down the table like a pro, but in my presence he played a lot of the night on tilt. I don't think one thing had anything to do with the other, I'm just saying ... Of course most of Rick's problems came from two hands where he got sucked out on. In addition to Pauly's miracle full house, Joel chased a flush all the way to the last card in a game of 7stud and Rick paid dearly when he caught it. Of course he also lost a big pot to Pauly when he tried to use four clubs on the board to make a flush in a game of Omaha, so it wasn't just bad beats for dear Rick. He took a couple of late pots to keep his losses respectable and actually was never down far enough to need to buy chips. Not a good night, but one that certainly could have gone far worse.

In any event, I got a lot more action than I usually do. I have a reputation as a tight player (maybe tight-weak, but at least tight) and so I don't get flat called very often. Tonight, though, I was getting paid off left and right. Pocket 10s became trips on the flop and a boat on the turn; despite my raises, Helmut kept betting into me. In a game of 5stud/hilo/replace, I caught a pair of jacks that, by the time of the declare, was clearly the nut high. My 7♦8♦ flopped 6-9-T and I had callers through the turn. But I made real money at Pauly's expense twice.

First, in a game of Anaconda (the "screw your neighbor" version) I was playing eights full of sixes. This is about as low a hand as I am willing to play in Anaconda because (a) someone always has a full house; (b) people with full houses always call all the way to the end; (c) one of the parts of the full house is usually higher than an 8, making it hard to have any confidence in the hand; and (d) at a capped $20 in betting per round, it can get very expensive to hope for a bluff. It might have been the case here also, except Pauly made a mistake setting up his hand and was unable to effectively chase me out with his threes full of aces.

Pauly ordered his cards 3-A-3-3-A. I assume that Pauly was trying to bluff quads. This is a tough bluff because in a HiLo game, it is inevitable that one of the low hands has the case 3 showing somewhere else on the board. This was, in fact, the case. By fourth street it was clear that I had the nuts, but Pauly and I (along with the low) had capped the betting on the second and third rounds and Pauly had committed too much money not to see the river and make sure I wasn't bluffing. Big pot for me. (Of course, I hate Anaconda. I lost the money to Helmut on the next hand when his wheel beat my A2356 for the low pot. I also threw away 99944 when Joel bluffed KKKJJ and Rick was bluffing a straight flush - Rick won the hand with a Q flush over Joel's two pair.)

The second big win was more of a burn, and Pauly deserves credit for taking it well. I was dealt 2334 in a game of H/L Omaha/8. An A and a 7 on the flop meant that I was willing to call any bet while hoping for the turn to bring a qualifying low - I had the nuts no matter what the card was. When the turn was a 6, I jammed the pot and Pauly jammed right back at me. Helmut came along for the ride through the river. The river was a 5, making a board of A-x-7-6-5 with no flush possibilities. I split the low with Helmut, who had been wisely (but futilely) hoping that Pauly and I would stop raising one another because getting 1/4 of the pot when only three people are betting is a losing proposition. Everyone (including me) initially agreed that Pauly had the high with Aces up - until Helmut noticed that the 5 on the river gave me a straight to the 7. I was so focused on having the nut low that I didn't even notice that I had an inside straight draw. Pauly had to turn over a half pot of almost $50. I'd have felt worse if he hadn't been trying to win an Omaha hand with two pair, but I have to admit I felt pretty bad about miscalling my hand and ripping away the satisfaction of a win from Pauly. He got me back, though.

Uncharacteristically, I played A2o and even called Pauly's preflop raise. In my defense, I thought that Pauly was only raising at me because I accused him of paying the homeless for sex. The flop was A-x-2 and I bet like crazy, as did Pauly. I had him pegged for AK or AQ and was thrilled to have caught him. We capped on the turn and the river and Pauly showed me a pair of bullets. A kevlar vest won't prevent the pain when someone fires bullets at you during the showdown. I was betting my ass off, but I was essentially drawing dead from the flop. Ouch. But bonus points to Pauly for pulling off the illusion that the preflop raise was "revenge." It probably doubled the size of the pot.

As good as the night was, it could have been better. The last two hands cost me ~$20. The table was down to five, so I loosened up and played K3. I even called on the flop even though it had an A and a Q and I didn't even pair the 3. When the turn was similarly useless, I laid the hand down. On the next hand I finished the bet from the SB with Q♥8♥. The flop had a Q and I bet the top pair. Helmut called my bets on the turn and the river (since I was still holding the top pair) and outkicked me with QTo for a modest pot.

At the end of the night I was up $102 and Pauly's +$9 was the only other positive finish of the night. I think I am going to keep the good karma going too. When the cab driver inadvertently passed me a fin instead of a single for my change, I pointed it out and took the right amount of change. That has to count for something.

Poker Blogs

I have to give a shout-out to The Fat Guy. The two of us have been going back and forth on weather the Yankees are the apotheosis of evil and whether the Rangers could find their way out of a paper bag with a broadsword. His current rant on the media's fetish with the First Amendment while openly hostile to the Second is interesting, even though I am skeptical of the modern reading of the "right to bear arms." He also blogs about poker, but between the liberals and the Rangers he is being kept pretty busy.

I have to wonder if Suited Trash is ever going to update or if the site has been abandoned. Her last post is from BEFORE I left for Pakistan two weeks ago.

Thanks to Felicia Lee who sent me a primer on low stakes online SNGs and did me the favor of providing guidelines for tipping the dealer in a casino.

Finally, Iggy has done his usual comprehensive write up of the world of poker. If I could request one thing of him, though, it would be to do something to set off quoted material from other sources. Say, with italics or even quotation marks. That is petty, however. The more important Iggy-related news is that I am now registered for the Second WPBT Tournament at True Poker.

Look out world, here comes Ugarte. Bring it on, Wil fookin' Wheaton!!!
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I bought in for 50 (the minimum) and played limit hold 'em for an hour or so, just to try out the pretty nifty 3-D interface. After getting pocket aces cracked by trip eights on the river after trying to slowplay them UTG, I decided it was time to pack it in. But I got decent cards behind the BB, and got sucked into a couple more hands, and then I got dealt pocket cowboys in late position.

So I raised, and got a bunch of callers. The flop came with garbage (9 high), and somebody bet into me. I raised, and got a few callers. The turn helped nobody and my bet knocked out the remaining stragglers, leaving me and my caller heads up. the river's a 10, and I bet into him. He raises, and I call, wondering if he didn't get trip 10's.

Hardly. My little friend called me to the river with 9/10o, and cracked my KKs. With 5 dollars left, I got shitty cards and one shitty flop, and I was done. Fifty bucks gone in less than two hours. I'm going to bed now, but I have a message for that little chaser: I know what you look like, man, and if I ever run into you on the street (it will be hard to miss a giant silver android with glowing red eyes), you'll see what chasing really is.
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Online Tournaments

Bugsy's Club is holding a three-round WSOP qualifying event and this weekend is part of Round 2. Round 1 had a $1 tournament fee and the top finishers in each $1 qualifier, in addition to the cash prize pool, gained free entry into at least 1 Round 2 tournament. I did not earn one of the freebies; instead, for my shot at the Round 3 tournament I paid the $10 entry fee and played in the Saturday and Sunday tournaments. It had been a while since I played NL Hold 'Em in a multi-table tournament so I wasn't particularly optimistic, but I needed to get back into the game.

In the Saturday tournament I played tight and won all my showdowns. My positional play was strong and I was able to steal blinds and push around limpers after the flop from the button. Along the way I only one hand that I shouldn't have. A short stack went all-in with KK, but my 8♠8 took the pot when the 9♠ on the river gave me an unlikely flush. In the end, what killed me was that I wasn't aggressive enough.

The blinds had advanced to 400/800 and I was sitting in the BB with ~25K. The board limped around to me, so I was able to see the flop with J9o. And what a flop it was: J-9-6. With my two pair, I bet 800 and got called by the button (juggler32). The turn was a 7, I bet 1600 and juggler32 called again. The river was a 3, I bet another 1600 and juggler32 raised me ~14K. Dilemma. Should I reraise? I did have top two pair, and all of juggler's previous calls suggest discomfort with the strength of his hand. But my inner voice said "Fold. If he's been stringing you along, don't let it cost you the tournament."

So I called. And juggler flipped over 33 and showed me the set he made on the river.

So, I ask again, should I have reraised? Certainly a reraise is a far riskier move than a call, but I was in a good position to represent strength: I had bet out UTG every round since the flop, and juggler may not have felt so confident with the lowest set on the board. I still can't decide which was a bigger mistake: failing to make the turn and river more expensive for him or failing to reraise all-in.

A little while later I busted out when I went all-in preflop with AK, only to lose when Shadowfax put ~25% of his stack on the line to call with A4o. I was encouraged, but the turn was a 4 and no other help was forthcoming for Big Slick. (At least Shadowfax apologized in the chat.) 51st place out of 157.

While playing, I kept my eye on on Rick's wife's table. I think she ran into three full houses in a row and busted out somewhere in the 140s. Unfortunately (for journalistic reasons) I have no idea what Ilsa was playing because all of the hands I saw were calls and she didn't show after she lost.

In the Sunday tournament I played very strong out of the box and built a very solid table image for myself. Unfortunately, my strong play and solid table image was mostly built on rock solid cards. When the cards stopped coming my chips slowly melted away. As the game wore on solid starting hands began getting undermined by the flop and I had to lay down hands after making considerable preflop raises. Down to 9K (when the average player held over 20K), I was dealt cowboys. I made a modest preflop raise from under the gun, fearing that if I went all-in I would squander any value the cards had when the whole table folded. I wasn't looking to merely steal blinds. My wish came true when another short stack reraised me all in. Of course I called. My KK was facing AK. I smiled in the comfort of my home, but the smile evaporated when an A on the turn ended my day. 81st out of ~160. (Again, Rick's wife was in the game. I never really saw her involved in a pot when I peeked in on her table, but things must have gone better than Saturday. She finished up in the 40s.)

I played tight and solid through both tournaments. I didn't place, but I usually feel much worst after I've busted out. Either I'm improving and maturing or just growing numb.

Coach's Low Stakes Home Game

I'm sure this won't be the only write-up, as Pauly was at the game and is sure to report. Actually, you should look to him for the game results because only one of us remembered to bring a pen to the game. He'll probably have all of the results up before this is posted, so head over there. (Yep. Pauly's got a report. And he's got the results.)

In any event, I can't really complain about my cards. If you play tight, you are going to have to wait for cards. And so I waited. Got paid off almost every time also.

I decided to loosen up and play Ace-rag from any position because I promised that I would lay it down if I decided that the kicker would be important. I laid down A4 when sombody bet the K on the flop. Played A9 into a decent early pot when nobody raised my bet when I paired the A. Won some more when I bluffed with A6 and a K hit the board and Coach laid down his flush draw when it missed on the river. Finally, one hand should have made me more money but didn't because of some conservative play by PhD.

I went in with A8. The flop came A-8-x and I was sitting on Dead Man's Hand, which was also the top two pair. Ferrari bet, I raised and got two callers -- PhD and Ferrari. The turn was another A, giving me Aces Full of eights. Ferarri bet again, I raised again and again PhD and Ferrari both called. The turn was a 9, and I was sweating about possible kicker issues. Could it be that either of them was hanging around with A9? Nope, neither raised and I took the pot. PhD showed his hand -- 88. He had trips on the turn and, most surprisingly, didn't raise with them, nor did he raise when the ace on the turn gave him Eights Full.

I once read an old saw "if you don't lose a lot of money with a set on the flop, you didn't bet enough." I think that is right. Given the lack of preflop raising, it was unlikely that either Ferrari or I were holding AA. Since PhD had the best hand after the flop, he should have made the turn as expensive as possible and maximized his potential winnings when the odds were in his favor. He probably should have raised on the turn also - if only to see if I was willing to tolerate a raise.

Ferrari let himself be dragged to the river with A2, which is uncharacteristic of him. Man, I wish the river had been a deuce. Ferrari would have paid dearly and PhD would have had no choice but to call all the way. But that is just getting greedy. And between the greed and the advice that the good hands should be expensive if played correctly ...

Coach is known for calling "non-traditional" games and last night was no exception. He called 7stud, H/L Push - a game in which every player is given one chance to "push" an up card to the left for .50 per round of betting. I was dealt a spectacular low hand, and by the time all of the down cards were dealt I was showing the table 3♦5♦6♦K♥. I had the T♦2♦ underneath. From fourth street on I represented that I had both a killer low and a flush in progress and I bet accordingly. I was bluffing the low, of course, but what was showing was so good, who could doubt me? The last down card was the A♦, giving me the diamond flush to the Ace, and filling an A2356 low. I got what I "said" that I had all along. Swish and Brother of Coach both had pairs showing, but had been betting so conservatively I wasn't worried about full houses. Big Mike was clearly going low, but I was sure that his best low was an 8 or 9. That left Coach.

It was clear that Coach was betting a spade flush and the highest spade he had showing was a Q. It was a declare game, so I had to decide if I should take the certianty of a low pot against Big Mike or roll the dice and go H/L. I rolled the dice. When I bet after the declare Swish (high) and Brother of Coach (high) folded. Big Mike (low, natch) called and Coach called and said "You don't have a straight flush, do you?" - and flipped up the A♠. A♦2♦ 3♦5♦6♦ lost to A♠Q♠x♠x♠x♠ and I lost my both-ways bet. Which leads to another question for the assembled masses:

Does Coach get the whole pot or just the high portion? Obviously I take nothing. But Coach and I felt that since my low beat Big Mike, Big Mike "lost" the low and Coach, as the sole winner at the table, should get the whole pot. Brother of Coach and Big Mike disagreed (Thanks, bro!) and Coach decided not to push the issue, opting to split the pot and preserve relationships. We are truly cut from different cloth, coach and I. Ferrari sided with the split-pot crowd when asked about it the next day. I couldn't figure out where Rick stood.

Some final notes about the home game:

Rick never made it, trapped in the office. Ferrari left almost immediately after I arrived, claiming other plans.

Once again, Ferrari lost money when Coach was at the table.

Pauly briefly tried to front Bronx tough, but failed miserably as he had already copped to (a) growing up in Riverdale and (b) attending the top academic Catholic school in NYC. While the chances that he can kick my ass are still decent, that is not a particularly high bar.

PhD gets a serious gold star for having honor trump cash. He bet a considerable amount of money on a low hand, declared low and won low - until he was the only person at the table who remembered that the dealer had called the hand with a qualifying low - and his hand didn't qualify.

Lots of laughing, a good burger from Jackson Hole, and - for the first time in ages - a woman at the game. A good night for poker, even if once again I ended up essentially even for the night.

Conclusion

In sum, my play is getting better but my wallet isn't getting fatter. I feel that things are going to change, however, and my first chance to show it comes tonight at Ferrari's game. Keep your fingers crossed for me, everyone.
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The first time I saw Citizen Kane I was probably somewhere between 10-12 years old. My parents were going to watch it on video and they told me that it was an “adult” movie and that I’d probably be bored. Well that, of course, guaranteed I would watch (I have always wondered if my parents were using reverse psychology on me there), but I still was expecting to be bored. Instead, I was absolutely enthralled. To be able to watch a movie like Citizen Kane for the first time without the burden of expectations or knowledge was a truly wonderful thing.

I may have seen part or all of Citizen Kane one more time in between, but it certainly had been many years since I had seen it and I was curious to see my reaction to it with the full burden of memories, expectations and Rick’s take. I was enthralled again. Citizen Kane fully deserves its laudatory status in the annals of filmmaking.

The cinematography in Citizen Kane is amazing. Welles use of light and camera angle is far more technically and artistically accomplished than the vast majority of movies made today with the benefit of modern techniques and knowledge. Citizen Kane deserves consideration as a great movie on this basis alone.

I found the story of a man with nearly limitless amounts of money, who sets out to change and mold the world with a “I don’t care what other people think” attitude (because he expects everyone will eventually think what he thinks and, later, what he tells them to think), but painfully learns that he does care when he discovers the limitations of his power and influence, to be engrossing and fascinating. It is not told in a traditionally dramatic fashion and lacks the sappy Hollywood happy ending. Some might interpret this as a weakness as the movie does not “flow” in the way one typically expects a movie to, but I view this as a great strength. It is easy to follow the traditional formulaic pattern of a dramatic movie, but Citizen Kane disrupts us and challenges our expectations, while not losing any of its power. That is talent.

The acting is also excellent. Welles is magnificent and the rest of the cast is, for the most part, strong. The only possible criticism of Welles’ acting is that, at twenty-five, he didn’t fully pull of Kane in his later years.

I also found Citizen Kane to be remarkably timely, with many modern parallels. For example, the examination of a media mogul (modeled on William Randolph Hearst) is relevant to considerations today of media titans such as Murdoch and Bloomberg. The corrupt and unscrupulous Boss Gettys’ use of Kane’s affair to topple his run for governor -- with Kane believing, incorrectly, that the people wouldn’t care -- brought to mind the Clinton witch-hunt. And Kane’s retreat to his reclusive fantasy world of Xanadu still only scratches the surface of the King of Pop. Also, Welles’ examination of the degree to which money, power and the media can dictate what people think is relevant to this year’s election. Welles suggests that while people can be greatly influenced by such things, there is a point where “the people” will see through the bullshit, but that those who spout it often fail to realize this point exists (let’s hope Welles is right).

It was also interesting to watch this movie with the knowledge of who or what Rosebud is/was (if you haven’t seen Citizen Kane, don’t worry, I’m not telling). Watching Citizen Kane as a child, I remember going “Ah ha” when Rosebud was revealed and feeling that it completed the movie and made sense. Watching it a second time, knowing who or what Rosebud is/was and, thereby, knowing the parable Welles is telling actually made the movie more profound. Welles’ depiction of what a man of tremendous power and influence misses, regrets and longs for on his death bed is quite powerful.

To be fair to the critics, there are a few instances in the movie where it drags a bit and I can see how someone could get bored if they were not focused in on or engaged in the movie and didn’t particularly care about the movie’s artistic elements. Also, we never fully understand why Kane “losses it” to the degree to which he does, but, then again, does anyone understand why Howard Hughes or Michael Jackson became such wackos? Answering that question, it seems to me, is beyond what we can reasonably as of Welles. One might the depiction is unrealistic, but for the fact that real life icons of power, wealth and influence have made Charles Foster Kane look quite balanced in comparison.

I am not going to argue that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all time. I don’t believe in such a thing as an objectively “greatest” movie. But because of the combination of a great story, a non-formulaic style of telling it, tremendous technical and artistic quality, relevance 60+ years later and influence on future filmmakers, Citizen Kane absolutely deserves to be on any all time Top Ten list and gets the rare 5 stars (out of 4) on Signor Ferrari’s rating system (description forthcoming).

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Matthew, a 21 year-old American, goes to Paris in 1968 to learn French. Obsessed with movies he frequently views old classics at museum. At a protest over the theater’s closing, he meets Theo and Isabelle, attractive twins who he had observed but never approached before. They immediately bond with Matthew, inviting him to their house for dinner and then to stay indefinitely when their parents leave for a long trip. As Matthew discovers, the twins’ relationship is a fair bit closer than most brother/sister relationships and this creates tension as Matthew’s relationship with them, and especially Isabelle, develops.

The first half of The Dreamers is an interesting coming of age movie, but ultimately the storyline starts to drag and the relationships between the three becomes less interesting. The movie is visually engaging at times and the early references to old movies and the demonstration of their influence on the characters (which fades away in the second half) is the movie’s most interesting motif. By the end, I was losing interest and did not find the abrupt ending to be satisfying.

What I liked most about this movie was the frankness and directness with which Bertolucci’s shows the three in their more intimate and less clothed moments (and no, I am not just talking about sex). Taking the slightly odd context of their relationships as a given, the characters act on screen as we would expect them to act in real life. There is no fake Hollywood sensuality and no distinction between male and female nudity. The Dreamers is unquestionably an “adult” movie, but I am disturbed that a movie like this garners an NC-17 rating, whereas movies with callous violence, demeaning depictions of women and much more raunchy sexuality garner R ratings. The Dreamers probably gained an NC-17 simply because Bertolucci showed people naked, without hiding their genitals.

Ultimately, The Dreamers might be worth a viewing artistically, but don’t be distraught if you miss it.

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For starters, let me say that I didn't find it anti-semitic. Sure, the Temple Elders were a touch unsympathetic, but so were the British in Braveheart, the Romans in Gladiator, the Germans in . . . well . . . pretty much every movie. Remember, folks, this is a movie -- and a Mel Gibson picture, at that. Hollywood meets the Vatican: think Braveheart, without a storyline or epic battle scenes or even a terribly sympathetic hero, and you get to see the drawing and quartering. Actually, think Braveheart where the drawing and quartering lasts two and a half hours.

My only real complaint on a "historical accuracy" level is that Pilate is easily the most likeable character. That's problematic for two reasons. First, historical accounts don't make him seem like quite the honorable, fair, thoughtful man he is in the film. Second, in a film about Jesus, why is Pilate the only one with depth?

And he is. Everyone else is a caricature (Judas is a cowering simp who becomes a babbling maniac -- at least that's growth of a sort; Mary and Mary are kind of like Jesus' backup singers -- they follow him around, making soft noises but not really doing much of anything; Peter does a lot of staring; and the Rabbis ride around on mules and generally look smug and vicious; Satan (yes, Satan) is a dead ringer for Emperor Palpatine, and mostly just sulks around looking smug and vicious. Wait a minute . . .

Did I leave anyone out? Oh, yeah, Jesus. See, despite being the focus of the film (and a major religion, incidentally), he's not really a character. And that's the part that really bugged me. This film reduces Jesus, Son of Man, Son of God, King of the Jews, Prince of Peace, to nothing more than a fetish object: a body that we can watch be torn apart on screen for two hours.

I wouldn't say that this movie was about Jesus. In fact, I wouldn't say this movie was "about" anything. Instead, of being The Greatest Story Ever Told, it's an extended scene from one of the Hellraiser movies, with Roman soldiers as the Cenobites. In my opinion Gibson has done for Catholicism what Tobe Hooper did for the Texas Tourism Board.

The movie doesn't really teach you anything about who Jesus was, what he did or said, or what it meant. It just shows you how he died. And boy, was it gory. When it was over, I didn't think to myself "Hey, that Jesus was quite a guy!" or "Hmmm, what a great message he had!" In fact, it didn't make me think at all, except to marvel at how much the blood looked like barbeque sauce. There is no message of peace and love, no theological, philosophical or even political statement made or question posed. Just lots and lots of blood. And I think I saw a rib.

Also, the end is crap. I don't recall ever reading that when Jesus finally died, the earth shook, and the Temple was cracked in two (I think Mel got that from an Indiana Jones film). That may also have been a touch anti-semitic, now that I think about it. Editor's Note: I have been informed (by Pauly) that this is in fact in the gospel. Still, the scene with Satan screaming and writhing in defeat was pure cheese.

Bottom line: if you get off on watching someone get tortured and die slowly and gruesomely, this is the flick for you. Otherwise, rent The Last Temptation of Christ.

As for Gibson, his punishment should be to be placed in the Harrow and have "Stick to Action Flicks" inscribed on his body
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On the other hand, British Airways has some fine movie selections. On the way home I got to see Cool Hand Luke and Dog Day Afternoon. Those are some amazing movies, and they get better with each viewing.
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And so we list the complaints.

1. First - and most annoying - is that for the second online poker room signup in a row, someone has already taken the name Ugarte. So I am "Ugartes PG" (no punctuation allowed). I know I shouldn't blame True Poker for this, but it isn't my fault and I don't know who the other Ugarte is, so True Poker gets stuck shouldering the blame.

2. The table is set up in a quasi 3-D, which is actually a pretty neat angle. It feels more like a regular table, and your cards are always conveniently at the bottom of the screen. But for 3-D to work, all of the players have to be 3-D people. This is where it gets, shall we say, unfortunate.

True Poker gives you 15 avatars to choose from. All are "fantasy" avatars. There is Genghis Khan, Nefertiti, Gangsta, James Bond, Robot, Link, Professor Frink, Hot Girl, Punk Girl, Bandito, Emir, Fu Manchu, and a few more that I can't recall. This is a poker room? Where is the drunk frat boy? The chain-smoking old guy with missing teeth? The fat guy in a Marvin the Martian T-shirt? The Asian women chattering to each other in their own tongue? All the fantasy avatars seem so 1985. I was stuck with James Bond (who looks like Roger Moore, but sounds like Sean Connery) because at least he has a tux like Ugarte does in Casablanca. Ugarte was no Bond, though.

At Bugsy's Club, each player has a simple brass nameplate. At Poker Stars, they will import a .gif to stick in a simple picture frame. I think both are better than the cartoon characters at True. At least less ridiculous.

3. Did I mention that my character sounds like Sean Connery? Yes, he does. That is because all of the players call out their play "Bet" "Check" "Call" "Raise". Just when I had gotten used to the simple clinking of chips on the table, I joined a site that has more chatter than the home games I play in. I don't know, maybe this will grow on me. My first impression was "if I have to hear my own brogue one more time ..."

4. True Poker doesn't accept Central Coin, my payment method of choice, to fund my cash account.

5. The game doesn't automatically show winning hands to the table. I sat down at a play money table to test drive the format. I played one hand and decided that this wasn't the best time for a test drive. It was, I admit, was mostly my fault; a product of this simple equation:

"Awake at 5:30am" does not equal "Alert at 5:30am"

I sat down at a 3/6 table with 5 other players, one seat before the button and was dealt ATo. Everyone saw the flop. 8-8-A, rainbow. SB bets, a caller, I raise. Calls all around the table. The turn is a 7. Still no flush draws. SB bets, a fold in front of me and I raise again. Two callers (including the bettor) behind me. The river is a 6. I can't imagine that anyone is really on a runner-runner straight draw, but I still choose to only call the SB, as does the button.

The SB turns over A7, and the dealer asks if I want to show or muck.

At this time I would like to remind my readers that it is ~5:30am. And I didn't pick up my glasses from my nightstand when I lumbered over to the computer.

I have never played at a computer table that gave the winning hand the option of mucking. I understand that this is more "true" to the game so I respect the feature in a site that calls itself True Poker, but I didn't expect it.

And it was 5:30am!!!

I saw in the SB's hand as two pair. Aces and sevens. "Beats my aces," thought I. So I threw away my cards. And then I remembered the eights on the board, just in time to hear the dealer push the chips to the SB saying "Two pair, aces and eights." I had the guy outkicked and I threw away my cards. Ugh.

I signed off, tried to go to sleep, but decided I had to write instead.

It's going to be a long day.
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