Every thing is ready. I am bathed, lotioned, shaved and made up. the house is spotless and all is quiet. There are sweet smelling flowers adorning each room. All there is to do now is wait.

He will arrive at around 10, we will kiss long and lingeringly. His hand will tug on my hair and He will say,

"Hello slave."

And I will say

"Hello Master."

We will have a coffee and talk about His journey, and then unpack the car.
When done He will send me upstairs to get ready, which is easy as I wont be wearing underwear. A few moments later He will join me.

He will enter me immediately and fluidly, which will be quick, as I will be so wet. After He has made me beg for His semen, and we are both sated, He will say,

"Hello sweetheart."

And I will say

"Hello Master... welcome home."

My last day of freedom has arrived. Tomorrow a new life is born and a journey of slavery will begin. So it is with mixed emotions that I have glanced back at the other chapters that I call my life and as I settled to re read the last few years, I cried.

I cried for the hurt, the pain, the broken dreams and all that has been lost. For the one man that has been there since before I was born. I cry because I miss him and I can not tell him about the changes in my life. My thoughts were full of him when I sat in my car at the roundabout, and as I held the steering wheel tight, I lay my head against my hands and cried. For the guilt, the love and the life that we never again will share. I cried for the pain I know that he carried. I cried because he can not see that finally winter is over and spring has begun.

It was in that moment that I realised I will take him with me, on to the next chapter. He might not be here in person, but he lives on in me, and I carry him in my heart. I said goodbye to him once, I can not do it again. As I dried my tears and drove home, I swear I heard the whisper of his voice carried along by the breeze.

Now as I sit here and give a place to the things I dont want to take on this new journey, I feel some peace wash over me.

It is going to be hard not only for me but also for the Man who wants to share my life. I can only imagine how He feels, and I will work hard to make sure that He feels He comfortable and at home in my world.. A new country, a new start, a new life.

I can taste a new beginning and in that I feel joy.

I received this yummy birthday cake from TheBoss over at collar purple. Thank you! I hope that Invidia had all the spanks she wanted :)

The site is back after my band width went over... I paid... Its back. I had a phenomenal amount of hits in a short space of time that really pushed it up. blonde reminded me that it was because I am liked. Thanks blonde :)

I really needed to journal over the last couple of days, but obviously I was unable to. Instead I made a new css so was kept busy and out of mischief.

I took a quiz today that Invidia made for quizzilla. She makes beautiful pictures.

It showed me as Gorean, which I am not. I have dabbled in online Gor, became quite efficient at serving a fosters straight from the fridge, orange paga and all that.

Although I never took it seriously, it always has and always will hold a great fasination for me. The beauty of the words took my breath away. Some are so gifted in descriptive writing that I lost my head and wanted what I saw. Being the person I was at the time, not being able to maintan the complete slavish attitude that was expected of me, I rebelled big time.

When H and I finally got it together He banned me from irc Gor. Not because He doesnt agree with it but because this angel got banned from irc for weeks by the IRCops. They took away my fix and that was enough to teach me how to behave. lol.

Since that time 2 years ago, I have not been in any Gorean online chat room nor do I dare. Role play or not, chat can evoke deep feelings, so like my rules say, its best to stay away. My romance with Gor, mentally, still prevails.

Gorean: You are an artist who makes slavish
devotion a way of life. You have a fine
attention to detail and stay attuned to the
desires of your partner at all times. You
allow your partner to provide for you and have
an enormous trust in him (her).


How slavishly devoted are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Here is another thats probably more like me. Taken from Dawn

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

2 Days to go and I am feeling much better. In fact my mindset right now is extremely submissive. H keeps reminding me of what is to come and if I am ready.

I am sitting here with a thumping heart, wet pussy and thoughts of being controlled, which in turn makes me very hot.

Yes Master, I am ready.

I asked Sarah to ask me some questions which she kindly did. I thought it would be easy, but I have found it really hard to answer them.

Here are the answers as I see them.

1. Describe to me who you are in 5 words or short phrases.

I have strength but I am not strong
I have weaknesses but I am not weak
I have tenacity but I am not stubborn
I have sadness but I am not sad
I am contrary but I do not lie

Honest, intuitive, contradictory, reserved, loyal

2.What has been the most difficult feeling you have dealt with during the long distance relationship and why?

Wow this is hard because of the complexity of LDR’s.

The most difficult one for me was probably trust. I do not trust naturally so I had to really work hard on this one. There were times when it was particularly hard, especially when I heard or saw things that I either misconstrued or misinterpreted or just plain didn’t like. We each have friends from other times in our life and both have had to accept past history and people. We both can be jealous and for a slave that’s not very becoming. I have at times, closed my eyes to things that I didn’t want to know and kept telling myself that He loves me enough not to hurt me.

3. I know that you have been a little hesitant about what will happen when H arrives permanently. What is it that you fear the most? Why?

Being under scrutiny all the time. In an LDR it’s easy to hide when you’re not at your best, or your hair is not brushed, or the house is a mess. When you meet Intermittently its easy to put on your best face each day without to much effort.

I have lived alone for four years and in some respects I have become lazy and selfish. I certainly don’t put make up on any more if im not going out. I don’t dress in skirts or sexy clothes each day, nor do I tidy up unless I want to. That being said, my house is clean and tidy, but it’s done when I want to not because I feel I have to. That sounds very selfish and I don’t mean it to. It’s hard to explain. I could decorate when I wanted to and move furniture if I wished. This has been so important to me due to living with such an abusive controlling husband. It was not a BDSM relationship. He was just an insecure bullying control freak. H is nothing like him thank god, but I have enjoyed, relished and needed the space of the last four years. I just wonder if I have become complacent in that time and territorial.

Between going to work, having 3 teenagers, 2 dogs a cat and a Master to cater for is going to be hard work for a while until I get used to it. Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to it! I need it!

Certainly I have thought about if he will like the person I am day in day out. H and I have spent a lot of time together, but the longest period was only 3 weeks and some of that was spent on holiday relaxing.

One of my rules is to have my hair in a tail and H knows I have huge problems doing it. When he is here I will have no where to hide these small but significant failures. If I have problems with such a small rule what will happen when it gets to the big stuff.

4.What last made you throw your head back and scream with laughter until you couldn’t laugh any more?

This was in Holland with H. We watched a DVD called Masters #2 and the first scene was the funniest thing I had ever seen.

The Master was teaching 2 girls how to serve as maids in a cleaning business. They were semi naked and going through their paces when one started to be a very smart mouth so he gagged her with a ball gag. He was sort of telling her off and when he finished she farted, then laughed like a horse through her ball gag. The Master said he couldn’t believe she did that and neither could Master and I so we watched that clip over and over finding it funnier each time. Neither of us could breathe we were laughing so hard. I’m laughing now just thinking of it. It was so funny and so unexpected.

5.What is the one thing you want, desire, dream of above everything else, something that is directly for nicki? (No ‘world peace’ cop outs here.)

To belong.

Bonus question:
6.How do you love?

With difficulty. Being from an abusive family I have not learned how to ‘love’ in the normal sense of the word. I sometimes feel there is something intrinsically missing in me that I see in other people.

I try to show I love with an action or a touch, or a word. I always try to reassure when things look bleak for people I care about. I try to pick them up when they are down. I will always try to reach out to some one when they are in need.

I am a reserved person and don’t shower love with bells and ribbons. I show it quietly with soft words, kind deeds and compassion.

I love H with respect, passion, intensity, lust.

I am not very good at explaining love but I hope this goes some way to explaining.

Ok can I breath now?