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Madeleine Begun Kane,
Humor Columnist,
MONEY HUMOR COLUMNS


Madeleine Begun Kane
 
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Political Comic Strips      Political Song Parodies      Dubya's Dayly Diary

POLITICAL HUMOR    NOTABLES BLOG    LATEST HUMOR    LEGAL HUMOR

Do you spend money faster than you can earn it? These columns, song parodies, and comic strips won't solve your finance problems, but I hope they'll give you a few laughs.

  • Hapless Home Buyer's Guide "The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it's a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt..."

  • AWOL Jobs
    "Our jobs are disappearing
    To nations far and wide.
    While Dubya has no plan at all
    To stem this risky tide..."

  • On Wall Street (To be sung to "On Broadway")
    "They say that things are really bad on Wall Street.
    They say there's much malfeasance in the air.
    But I don't want to hurt my friends.
    And tough laws give my pals the bends.
    Then donors drop right off and I'm nowhere..."

  • I've recently starting doing Dubya comic strips, and some relate to money and the economy. They include Export Nation, Dubya Touts Tape, Our Prudent President, State of Disunion, and Blind Trust.

  • Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
    I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."

  • Taxing Times "My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:

    Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
    Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week.

    By late March we've made impressive progress:

    Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
    Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week..."

  • If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."

  • Working Stiffed "Finding a new job can be a daunting challenge. But if you follow my simple 21-step plan, you'll soon be battling cranky alarm clocks, rush-hour traffic, and the living for the weekend daily grind..."

  • Bye Bye Mitch (To be sung to "Bye Bye Love")
    "Bye bye Mitch,
    Mitch D's quit, he says,
    He helped make a mess,
    I sure ain't gonna cry..."

  • Class Warfare Song (To be sung to "Moon River")
    "Class warfare,
    Poverty will swell
    If Karl and Dubya get
    Their way..."

  • 401(k) Ode (Owed) (To be sung to "Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye" by Kahn, Erdman & Russo)
    "Four-Oh-One-Kay, good-bye!
    Keeps on dropping, oh my!
    Republicans who tell me,
    I shouldn't be blue, no words can tell how mad it makes me.
    Four-Oh-One-Kay, oh when
    Will you rise up again..."

  • Taxing Memories Did you get it together and file your tax returns on time? If not, you aren't alone. Every year, the IRS is swamped with extension requests ranging from the routine to the bizarre. Sometimes it even publicizes some of the wilder excuses, two of which featured wildlife. Who would have thought "My ocelot ate my tax forms," would work..."

  • Handling Harvey
    "CHENEY: Good morning, Mr. President. We need to discuss the Pitt problem. If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Harvey to resign. (Wink, wink)
    DUBYA: But I like Harvey. More important -- our pals like Harvey. What's the matter with yur eye?
    CHENEY: There's nothing wrong with my eye! If anybody asks, we're mulling over the idea of asking Pitt to resign. (Wink, wink)
    DUBYA: I just told ya -- I'm not dumpin Harvey! Ya really should get that eye looked at..."

  • Let's Roll Trademark Adversaries Unite Against President Bush "A trademark dispute took an unexpected turn this week after President George Dubya Bush used the phrase "let's roll" for roughly the eleven zillionth time..."

  • Ode To Kenny Boy (To be sung to the tune of "Danny Boy")
    "Oh Kenny Boy, the jails, the jails are calling,
    From state to state, and through the world so wide.
    The money's gone, and all the chips are falling,
    'Tis you, 'tis you must go and you must hide..."

  • How To Refinance: A Harried Home-Owner's Survival Guide "Hear radio reports touting the lowest interest rates in recorded history. Find out everyone you've ever met just refinanced at what is surely the bottom of the market. Become convinced that rates will rise four points by tomorrow. Panic. Rip interest quotes out of the Sunday papers. Visits helpful sites like RefinanceForPeanuts.com, ReallyCheapBucks.com, RefinanceBeforeGreenspanChangesHisMind.com..."

  • Pretzel Producers Allege Dubya Defamation, File Multibillion Buck Lawsuit "The National Association of Pretzel Producers ("NAPP") filed suit late yesterday against President Bush... NAPP's complaint, which seeks five billion dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for "pretzel product slander, pretzel product libel, and defamatory snack food disparagement," alleges that Bush and his codefendants "did willfully and maliciously and/or with reckless disregard for the truth, publish and disseminate false and/or untrue statements about the activities of one or more pretzels..."

  • Dear CardHolder: Frankly, We Expected Better Of You "One year ago we welcomed you to the EASY COME EASY GO ("ECEG") Credit Card Family with open pockets and the kind of unbeatable terms we could offer to..."

  • Corporate Confessions "During this year's annual shareholders' meeting, Ford Motor Co. made some surprising admissions about the environmental and safety problems of SUVs. Ford's refreshing attack of corporate honesty has inspired at least one other manufacturer to make some confessions of its own..."

  • Millionaire for the Masses? I've come up with a great way to impress friends, relatives, enemies, prospective dates and, most important, your mailman: Subscribe to Millionaire magazine and display it prominently at all times. Better yet, order two subscriptions and...

  • Mad Gift Giving Guide "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."

  • Car Cons "Wait! Come Back! I'll drop the price another thou."
    Imagine a car salesman following you into the parking lot, banging on your door, and begging you not to leave. Implausible? Perhaps. But that very memory cheers me whenever I think about the horror referred to in polite company as buying a new car..."

  • Electric Note "Dear Sir: I am writing this letter to thank you for the services rendered by your able employees. You will be pleased to learn that their timeliness easily outpaced that of any other workers employed by me. Indeed, they topped the record set by my plumber last month, when their scheduled 8:30 a.m. arrival occurred before noon twice in one week..."

  • Taxing Summer "Summer -- the perfect season for playing outdoor sports, becoming one with nature, ... preparing tax returns..."

  • The Blue and the Gray "I have great news for all you fashion loving fans of navy blue: Navy blue is the new black. Or to be precise, navy blue is the new gray which (until roughly twenty seconds ago) used to be..."

  • You Really Want A House? Okay, Here's The Drill. "President Clinton recently picked up a cordless electric drill and joked that he'd be needing one now that he's about to become a homeowner..."

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